Archive of Our Own

"I figured it out."

Cara stiffened at Kahlan's words, the breathless way in which she said them. She'd known this was coming. Ever since Richard all but dragged Kahlan back after she stormed off in a fit of jealous rage, he'd been distancing himself from the confessor—no, the woman. He'd explained his theory to Cara, that somehow Kahlan wasn't Kahlan anymore, and Cara had to admit it made sense. She could also plainly see that it disturbed him, enough for him to go so far as to invoke his title in order to stick Cara with first watch—so he wouldn't have to be alone with her. Funny, how he was never Lord Rahl unless it was convenient.

Once Kahlan had grown tired of sulking and badgering Richard about his sudden lack of affection for her—which had, nonetheless, taken up the better part of two days—it had only been a matter of time before the hyper-emotional woman found something else to fixate on. The lingering glances, becoming increasingly frequent as the night wore on, made it clear to Cara what that was to be.

Cara shifted uncomfortably on the log where she sat poking idly at the fire. Kahlan's statement hung in the air, baiting Cara to answer with the obvious question. Not that Cara needed to ask—Kahlan was a terrible liar at the best of times, and without the guarded mask of her confessor training she was even worse. Her expression was an open book—one that Cara didn't want to read, that she knew would be dangerous to even acknowledge. Not that she had any choice in the matter.

"Figured what out?" Cara finally asked with a resigned sigh, staring stubbornly into the flickering firelight.

"Why I got so jealous," Kahlan said, eager excitement creeping into her tone. She all but jumped up from her bedroll, where she hadn't even been pretending to sleep, and sunk down on the fallen log next to Cara—far closer than necessary. "I was so angry when I thought you'd been with Richard."

Cara swallowed, working her jaw as her hand tightened around the stick in her hand. It was all she could do not to reach for an agiel. "Because you had clearly taken leave of your senses," she ground out.

Kahlan ignored the jab, her voice taking on a breathless quality as she dropped her hand to Cara's knee. "I just assumed I was jealous of you." The warmth of Kahlan's skin burned through the leather, and Cara's free hand fell to her side, not yet closing around an agiel but resting close enough to feel the magic emanating from them. She knew where Kahlan—no, not Kahlan—was going with this. "I was jealous of him, Cara."

It had been a losing battle, anyway. Cara gave in, gripping the hilt of an agiel tightly as she avoided Kahlan's searching gaze. "Kahlan—"

"It hurts," Kahlan rushed on, her hand twitching nervously on Cara's knee. "To think of someone else touching you the—the way I want to."

Cara inhaled sharply as Kahlan's hand slid ever-so-slightly up her thigh. She dropped the stick she'd been using to poke at the fire, clutching Kahlan's hand and removing it forcibly from her leg. "You should get some sleep, Confessor," she said firmly, cursing the tremor that sneaked into her voice.

"That's just it, though!" Kahlan said earnestly, taking advantage of Cara's inadvertent offer and grasping at Cara's hand with both of her own. "I'm not a confessor, not right now."

I know, Cara thought with a roll of her eyes. She had heard this argument before, when she had trailed Richard and Kahlan on their "walk". It wasn't as though she'd been intending to spy on them, but how could she protect the Lord Rahl if he went traipsing through the forest at all hours of the night—without weapons, no less?

"We can be together, Cara," she continued, an excited urgency creeping into her tone, "and you'll be safe. We don't have to worry about my powers killing you."

Cara scoffed; she had devised many and varied ways to get around that particular problem. She almost opened her mouth to tell Kahlan as much, but just barely managed to bite back the words; she didn't need to encourage this insanity.

"I've seen the way you look at me," Kahlan said knowingly, when Cara remained silent. "I know you want me." Her voice was low, thick with desire, and even though Cara knew without a doubt that this was not the Kahlan she knew, it struck a chord deep inside Cara. What Kahlan was offering—

But this was not Kahlan, Cara insisted to herself. No matter how much she looked like Kahlan, sounded like Kahlan—no matter how many times Cara had imagined seeing Kahlan look at her like that, like she wanted Cara, like she...cared for Cara.

This is absurd, Cara thought, clenching her jaw. She snatched her hand back roughly. "Whatever it is that I might want, Kahlan, it's certainly not this."

Kahlan was silent for a long moment, her eyes wide with hurt, before a sly smile stole over her lips. "I know what you're doing," she said. "You're being noble, because you think I belong to Richard, and you don't want to hurt him."

Cara stiffened, her brow creasing tightly. Kahlan had landed awfully close to the truth, even if Richard was not her most pressing concern at the moment. Obviously Kahlan's powers of perception weren't entirely linked to confessor magic.

"But Cara," Kahlan urged, "what if this is our only chance?" Her hands slipped back onto Cara's knee, squeezing gently. "I would rather know your touch now and risk hurting Richard, than never be able to feel it at all."

Enough. Cara abruptly rose to her feet, letting Kahlan's hands fall away from her. "I'm not going to do this with you," Cara said firmly. "You go to sleep or I will. Either way, this conversation is over."

To Cara's relief, Kahlan seemed to realize that Cara wouldn't budge, and retreated to her bedroll. It was a bittersweet victory, made all the more complicated by the glimmer of challenge in Kahlan's eyes before she finally closed them in slumber. Cara could plainly see that Kahlan wasn't going to give up on this.

Sinking back down onto the log, Cara snatched up her stick, poking angrily at the fire with it.

Cara's suspicions proved well-founded. Over the next three days, Kahlan found a variety of excuses—some, Cara had to admit, rather clever—to be near Cara, alone if at all possible. It wasn't helped by Richard's increasing distance; he fell into a habit of riding several paces ahead of them, and rarely talked when they stopped for meals or to camp. If he turned to see Kahlan riding closer to Cara than was necessary, or came back from a hunt to find Kahlan all but sitting on Cara's lap, Kahlan explained it away as "bonding between women".

Not that Richard was fooled; the strained looks he'd been giving Kahlan soon extended to Cara as well, and he nearly stopped talking altogether, only breaking his silence when he needed to give an order. When his horse threw a shoe around midday, Cara could practically feel his relief.

"These horses haven't been well cared for at all," Richard said. It was the most words he'd strung together at one time for days. "Oakfell isn't more than a league from here. I'll take the horses into town and see what can be done for them."

Cara's eyes narrowed. "You'll take them into town?" She repeated, crossing her arms over her chest in defiance. "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?"

"It's not a good idea to bring her into a town, Cara," Richard said, eyeing Kahlan warily. She had perched herself on a rock nearby, and was staring openly at Cara. "She's not exactly subtle, and she doesn't have her powers to defend herself."

"And of course I have to play nursemaid while you go into town," Cara huffed, cocking her hip as she followed his gaze. Kahlan met her eyes with an eager smile, and Cara looked back at Richard accusingly.

Richard sighed, his shoulders sagging. "I just...I need a break, Cara."

Cara scoffed loudly. "You need a break?" Her arms dropped to her sides, gesturing in disbelief. "At least you can relieve yourself in peace!" Cara hissed, jabbing a finger in his direction. "You're not the one she won't stop badgering about feelings and—" She stopped abruptly, seeing him flinch. She rolled her eyes, shaking her head a little as she realized his problem. "You're jealous."

His answering scowl was more than enough of an answer. Richard lowered his eyes, his hand closing around the hilt of his sword.

"You're jealous," Cara repeated, stepping in close. Her voice took on a dangerous tone. "Because that psychotic emotional caricature of Kahlan has decided that she wants to walk on the wild side, and she doesn't want you anymore."

Richard's eyes shot back up to meet Cara's, blazing with fury. "Maybe you should just give in to her," he snapped moodily. "It seemed to cure her of any feelings she had for me."

Cara raised her eyebrow, preparing to deliver a scathing retort, but Richard sighed again, his knuckles going white where they clutched his sword.

"Stay here and keep her safe," he said coldly. "I'll be back by nightfall."

She glared after him as he led the horses away, muttering under her breath, "You owe me, Seeker." Clenching her fist around one of her agiels, she braced herself for what she would find when she turned around.

"Alone at last," Kahlan said with a soft smile, pushing up off of the rock and advancing on Cara. Seeing Cara's obvious agitation, she reached out and squeezed at the blonde's shoulders. "I know he's upset, but it's for the best. Now we don't have to hide from him."

Kahlan's hands slid down Cara's arms, rubbing up and down in what Cara was certain was supposed to be a comforting gesture; it only served to heighten her frustration. "There's nothing to hide, Kahlan," she ground out, her eyes focusing on the trees beyond Kahlan's shoulder.

"Not yet," Kahlan said, her smile taking on a seductive edge. Her hands fell from Cara's arms down to her waist as she stepped closer, thumbs stroking small circles into her sides. Her breath teased at Cara's ear. "Stop fighting it, Cara. Please."

Cara inhaled sharply, closing her eyes as she tried to cling to the remnants of her resolve. It had been getting harder and harder, and she was just mad enough at Richard to stop caring about his feelings on the matter. His suggestion had been made in anger, and she knew he hadn't meant it, but it was sounding more attractive by the second.

At best, Kahlan would move on and find something else to focus on until they got to Aydindril and Zedd fixed her. At worst, Cara would still have gotten to experience something she'd been craving for months. Perhaps the memory of pleasuring Kahlan would be enough to sustain her until she could break herself of her own inappropriate fixation.

Kahlan's lips brushed against Cara's cheek, a whisper of a kiss, before she pulled back to look Cara in the eyes. The naked desire visible in Kahlan's expression was enough to destroy any remaining thought Cara had of resisting.

Surging forward, Cara caught Kahlan's lips in a fervent kiss. Kahlan let out a startled moan, but she recovered quickly, returning it with just as much hunger as she clutched at Cara's hips in a desperate attempt to pull her closer.

Without breaking the contact, Cara managed to back Kahlan up to the rock she'd been perched on before. She guided Kahlan to sit down on it, kneeling between Kahlan's thighs as she pressed herself tightly against the other woman.

Finally pulling away from Kahlan's mouth, Cara's lips trailed down Kahlan's neck, sucking deep kisses from the sensitive skin. Kahlan moaned, arched against Cara, and heat flooded Cara's belly, throbbed between her legs. It was harder for Cara to tell herself that this wasn't really Kahlan when it was Kahlan's skin under her tongue, Kahlan's voice gasping into her ear.

When Cara's hands slipped into the slits on either side of Kahlan's skirt, sliding up her thighs, Kahlan groaned, her own hands dropping from Cara's hair to shove them back down.

"I thought you wanted this," Cara said impatiently, sitting back on her heels. She ran a gloved hand through her hair in frustration. She had held out for so long, telling herself this would never happen; it would be a cruel twist of fate if Kahlan backed out now, when Cara had finally let herself believe she could have this.

But Kahlan didn't look like she wanted to back out; her smile turned predatory as her tongue moistened her lips. "I do want this," she murmured, peeking up through her lashes as her fingers came up to trace the edges of Cara's neckline. "I want you, Cara."

Before Cara had time to react, Kahlan shifted forward, forcing Cara back until they were both kneeling on the ground. Reaching up to tug at the laces behind Cara's neck, Kahlan's fingers fumbled with the tightly-knotted leather for several moments before she finally loosened it enough to begin slipping the laces free.

Cara swallowed hard, her hands flexing against Kahlan's waist. She knew she shouldn't allow this, that it would make things far more complicated than they needed to be. But Kahlan's mouth was sucking at her neck, Kahlan's fingers were slowly but surely working her leathers open, Kahlan's breasts were pressing deliciously into her own, and Cara had wanted this too much, for too long. If Kahlan wanted to touch her, Cara could not bring herself to deny her.

Cara's leathers, unlaced down to the waist, were loose enough for Kahlan to slide her hands back up the bare skin of Cara's back, hooking her fingers under the edges of the leather and peeling it forward. A soft gasp passed Kahlan's lips as Cara's skin was revealed, her eyes widening as they drank in the sight of Cara's full breasts, nipples already hard and wanting.

"Kahlan," Cara moaned breathlessly as Kahlan bent down to close her lips around one of the straining peaks. Kahlan was nowhere near silent as she explored Cara's chest; her tiny grunts and moans vibrated against Cara's skin, sending jolts of desire straight to Cara's sex. Her touch was anything but skilled; she sucked a little too hard, in not quite the right way, and her fingers tripped clumsily over the swell of Cara's breast, but it was enough to make Cara tremble with need.

Far too soon and not soon enough, Kahlan pushed gently but firmly at Cara's shoulders, pushing her onto her back on the ground. After giving Cara a moment to readjust her legs, Kahlan straddled her waist, tugging her hair to one side as she leaned down to kiss Cara once more. Cara arched up, grunting against Kahlan's tongue as a warm hand slid down her bare side, slipping just under the edge of her leathers where they folded over at her hips. Pulling back from the kiss, Kahlan lowered her mouth to Cara's ear as her fingers traced Cara's hipbone.

"I want to taste you," Kahlan murmured, her voice low and thick with desire. "All over."

Cara's eyes widened, the words hitting her squarely between the legs. A strangled groan caught in her throat, and she felt Kahlan's smile against the side of her face.

"I want to touch you," Kahlan continued, her hips grinding down into Cara's almost unconsciously. "I want to feel you clench around my fingers as you scream my name."

"Where—" Cara panted, her brow furrowing in confusion and arousal. "Where did you learn to talk like that?"

Kahlan drew back to look at Cara, and the bright red flush of her cheeks was a comforting sight; it reassured Cara that she hadn't fallen asleep and begun to dream this. "I'm a confessor, Cara. At least, I usually am," Kahlan said softly, turning her gaze down to Cara's chest. For a terrifying moment Cara thought Kahlan was about to cry, but when she looked back up, Kahlan's eyes were glinting with a shy sort of mischief. "When you spend most of your time in prisons, listening to criminals confess their sins, you pick up a few things." Something fragile and uncertain flashed across her face. "Why, is it—do you not like it? Should I not...talk?"

Cara groaned, reaching up to drag Kahlan's lips back down to her own. "I think," she panted when they finally drew apart, "that there are better things to do with your mouth."

The bright smile that spread over Kahlan's lips made something seize in Cara's chest; she closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see it, trying to regain some semblance of control over what she was feeling. Meanwhile, Kahlan eagerly worked her way down Cara's body, pausing to tug off Cara's gloves before hooking her fingers under the edge of Cara's leathers, sliding them down over Cara's hips. Soon Cara's boots and leathers were lying in a heap somewhere off to the side, and Kahlan was kneeling between her legs.

Cara's eyes shot open at the first hesitant touch of Kahlan's fingers to her sex. Kahlan's eyes were wide and guileless, amazement clear on her features as her fingertips slid through the slick wetness.

"I...I did that?" Kahlan asked breathlessly. Cara nodded, her hips jerking into Kahlan's hand. With a surge of confidence, Kahlan smiled hungrily, plunging two fingers awkwardly into Cara.

Cara grunted, arching her hips to correct Kahlan's angle; it didn't hurt, but it wasn't going to do much else either. When Kahlan's face fell at seeing her obvious frustration, Cara reached down to cover Kahlan's hand with her own. "Like this," she said, curling Kahlan's fingers and guiding them back into her. Kahlan may have had theoretical knowledge, but clearly it was going to take some work—and no small amount of patience—to put that knowledge into practice.

Once Kahlan had found a rhythm, she leaned down, lapping hungrily at Cara's sex. In this she fared better; Cara suspected it had something to do with those sporadic trips Kahlan took to gather firewood. Whatever the case, Kahlan's tongue tracing clumsy circles around her clit soon had Cara bucking into Kahlan's mouth, panting as she felt her release build in her.

It had been far too long since Cara had been truly pleasured. Leo had been something of a disappointment in that respect; but in Cara's experience, most men were—they were far too enamored with their own equipment, and seemed to think it alone had the power to bring a woman to the heights of pleasure and beyond. It was a relief for Cara to be able to lie back and enjoy someone's attentions, even if Kahlan was inexperienced.

There was, of course, another reason that factored into Cara's enjoyment; but she pushed the thought away, tried to focus on the sheer physical pleasure and not the warm, full feeling that bloomed in her chest when she looked down to see Kahlan's head between her thighs. It wasn't long before her climax crashed through her, pleasure pulsing in her blood as she clenched around Kahlan's fingers. With a heavy, sated groan, Cara collapsed back against the ground, willing her heart to stop racing.

Kahlan moved up, curling into Cara's side and slinging a leg over Cara's hips. She smiled as she reached up to guide Cara's face toward her own, kissing her sweetly. When she pulled away, her eyes dipped shyly as she chewed on her lower lip. "Cara, I—"

Cara surged up to claim Kahlan's mouth, not at all ready to hear whatever Kahlan was about to say. As the kiss grew hungrier, Kahlan began rocking against Cara's hips, her own arousal still very much unsatisfied.

"I need—" Kahlan whimpered as Cara bent her knee to give Kahlan more direct contact. "Cara, please."

Not needing any further encouragement, Cara swiftly reversed their positions, tugging eagerly at Kahlan's clothes. Before long, she had Kahlan stripped bare and writhing under her touch.

"Spirits, Cara," Kahlan gasped as Cara's fingers slid into her. She clutched at Cara's shoulders as Cara quickly brought her to the edge of release and pushed her over.

Even though Cara knew that Kahlan's power was gone, that there was no danger, she still tensed reflexively as Kahlan cried out, half-expecting to be flooded with the agonizing pain of confession. When all she felt was Kahlan's sex throbbing hot around her fingers, desire surged in Cara, and she shifted so that she could suck Kahlan's clit into her mouth as she increased her rhythm once more.

"Oh—I—Cara," Kahlan cried, as Cara drove her to another climax. It became an addiction, the sight of Kahlan coming undone beneath her; Cara didn't stop, couldn't stop, until finally Kahlan tugged weakly at her hair. "No—no more. I can't."

Cara let herself be dragged up to meet Kahlan's lips again, lingering to memorize how it felt to kiss Kahlan, to feel her kissing back. Now that their passion was cooling, her senses were returning to her, and she realized with painful clarity that she would never have this again—should never have had it in the first place. The warmth in her chest morphed into a sharp, hollow ache, and she found her hands sliding over the pale expanse of Kahlan's skin, committing every curve to memory.

"I wish we could stay like this forever," Kahlan said with a dreamy sigh, nuzzling into Cara's shoulder. "Just...run away, find some place where nobody knows us and just be together."

"Right," Cara scoffed, an uneasy feeling stirring in her stomach. "And leave Richard to be mauled by banelings the next time he stops to save a kitten from a tree."

"I'm serious, Cara," Kahlan said, nudging Cara's shoulder with her own. "Why couldn't we? Richard has the compass, and Zedd...and if he needs a confessor, he can always send for Dennee."

Cara was starting to understand how Richard had felt, why he had been unable to even look at Kahlan after he'd realized what had happened to her. Only what Cara had done was worse—she had known Kahlan wasn't right, and she had—

"This was a mistake," Cara said, abruptly shoving herself to her feet and reaching for her clothes.

"What?" Kahlan gasped, her eyes flooding with tears as she sat up, catching Cara's hand with her own. "Cara, how can you say that?"

"Because it was," Cara snapped, yanking her hand away and resolutely avoiding eye contact. "You should get dressed. Richard will be back soon."

Kahlan inhaled sharply, and Cara closed her eyes, bracing herself for whatever argument Kahlan came up with next, but the only sound that reached her ears was heavy, ragged breathing interrupted by sporadic sniffling as Kahlan began to collect her clothing.

A beat passed in relative silence as Cara folded her leathers into a compact pile, trying to put her thoughts in order. There was a stream nearby, where they'd filled their waterskins earlier. It would be a welcome excuse for distance, and she could at least attempt to wash the scent of Kahlan from her skin—although Cara had an aching suspicion that she would never be rid of it. But first...

"Kahlan," Cara said, rising to her feet and turning to grasp Kahlan's wrist. Kahlan reluctantly looked up at her, tears streaming down her reddened cheeks, and Cara had the sudden desperate urge to reach up and wipe them away. She stopped herself at the last second, clenching her hand into a fist at her side. "Don't tell Richard about this." Swallowing hard, she continued. "You—you'll be back to normal soon. Knowing this happened will just hurt him."

Kahlan's lips turned up into a strained, watery smile as a glimmer of hope sprang to life in her eyes. "Cara, I don't just want you because of whatever this is that happened to me," she said, shaking her head slightly as she sniffed back tears. "That's part of what I realized, I—"

"You'll still have your powers back, so it won't matter," Cara snapped quickly, falling back on logic she knew was faulty. "Just...don't tell him." Snatching up her leathers and clutching them to her in a death grip, she turned around and began walking away.

"Where are you going?" Kahlan asked, her voice quavering with more tears.

"To wash up," Cara said over her shoulder, her pace never slowing.

"Can I come with you?" Kahlan asked hopefully.

"No."

When Richard returned with the horses, they'd both had time to wash up and build a fire for the evening meal. They were sitting in awkward silence across from each other, Cara stubbornly refusing to meet Kahlan's wounded gaze.

"The horses are fixed up and good as new," Richard said, guiding the animals over to tether them to a nearby tree. "And I checked with some of the townspeople. We should reach Aydindril in a day or two."

"Good," Cara muttered, staring morosely into the flames.

Richard knelt down to put a hand on her shoulder. "Look, Cara, I...I'm sorry for blowing up at you earlier," he said remorsefully. "I've had a lot on my mind, but I shouldn't have snapped at you like I did. I know you'd never betray me like that."

Bile rose in Cara's throat, and she swallowed it back roughly. Her eyes flicked over to Kahlan's, almost pleading with the other woman to remain silent.

Richard followed her gaze and sighed, apparently interpreting Cara's guilt and shame as anger and irritation. He hung his head, walking over to sit next to Kahlan on the fallen log Cara had dragged over to the fire. "And I owe you an apology too, Kahlan," he said softly, reaching for her hand. "I haven't been treating you well ever since we figured out what happened to you, and I'm sorry for that. It's not your fault, and I promise you we're going to find a way to fix it."

Kahlan looked back at Richard, clutching his hand tightly. Even across the fire, Cara could see the fragile hope dawning in her eyes. She didn't know why she hadn't seen it before; Kahlan, this Kahlan, wanted nothing more than to be loved. When Richard had rejected her, Kahlan had turned to the only other option she had.

All the better, then, that Richard had decided to be accommodating once more. Cara was in no position to provide Kahlan with such a thing. If Kahlan had been in her right mind, she would have known that, would never have sought it from Cara in the first place.

Kahlan's body sagged against Richard's, her head resting on his shoulder as his arm came up around her. Cara looked down at the fire, trying to forget the way Kahlan had looked at her, the way it had made her feel like maybe she could give Kahlan what she needed. She shook her head, her hand drifting to the agiels at her side. It didn't matter; none of it did.

Cara's pulse pounded in her ears as she watched the magic flare in Zedd's hand, then between the two Kahlans, building to a blinding intensity before flashing out of existence, leaving just one woman prone on the floor. She watched Richard help Kahlan up, scarcely remembering how to breathe. This was the moment she had been both waiting for and dreading; Kahlan was herself again.

Her agiels were clutched tightly in her hands, and the whine of pain in her ears nearly drowned out the voices of her companions. Nearly.

"What are you two talking about?" Kahlan asked, glancing between Richard and Zedd in wary confusion.

"You really don't remember?" The slight hint of disappointment in Richard's voice was barely perceptible, but it was there nonetheless.

"Remember what?"

Cara told herself the sudden, hollow ache in her chest was relief.