Chapter Text
Kazuaki Nanaki wanted to die without dying.
It had been a constant source of self disgust for him. How was he supposed to excuse that? How cowardly did that make him? How much of it was just that unending loneliness, the desire to be saved by someone.
In short, Kazuaki didn’t want to die. He wanted to almost die, and then be found by someone who would rescue him and care for him and love him unconditionally.
Hitori Uzune was… a compromise, sort of.
He didn’t know if Uzune loved him unconditionally. They hadn’t known each other very long. Kazuaki still called him by his last name, since he was too nervous to bring any kind of endearment into their relationship. Afraid Uzune would realize how dependent on him Kazuaki was and run away.
Uzune was a compromise. Rather than swooping in and saving poor, suicidal Kazuaki with unconditional love, Kazuaki had fallen completely in love with him, and now Uzune was going to die with him.
That was a good compromise, Kazuaki thought. All he’d ever wanted was someone who loved him. Uzune probably didn’t, but just being willing to exist near him was good enough. Kazuaki didn’t mind. Someone who wasn’t entirely repulsed by him was good enough.
“I’m home,” Uzune called. Kazuaki had missed the sound of keys in the door, too wrapped up in his thoughts. Stupid. Uzune wouldn’t approve of his absentmindedness.
At least that wouldn’t matter for much longer.
“Uzune!” Kazuaki heaved himself up out of his pile of blankets and bounded into the entryway, ready to embrace his friend. Uzune had a few heavy bags in his arms, so that didn’t happen.
“Do you want me to help with those?” He asked instead.
“Mhm.” Uzune shifted one of the two to him, and Kazuaki struggled to keep it up, almost dropping it instantly.
“Wah! Heavy!”
“That’s the lighter one,” Uzune said. Mockingly? No, probably not. Kazuaki had a habit of assuming the worst in people.
“Aaah, sorry,” Kazuaki whined.
“Just give it back to me.” Uzune didn’t wait for a reply, just let Kazuaki deposit the bag back into his still-full arms. He walked into the kitchen and set them on the counter.
Uzune made everything look effortless. Or maybe Kazuaki really was somehow just worse at everything than everyone else.
He watched Uzune with a morose look as he unloaded all the groceries and put the perishables in the fridge. It felt nice to do domestic things with him, but Kazuaki rarely had the energy to help out, so mostly Uzune did all the hard work. Like with cooking. It was nice in theory to make dinner together, but Kazuaki didn’t like doing dishes or cutting up vegetables, so Uzune usually ended up doing all the hard parts. And then Kazuaki would take seconds anyway, because for some reason he couldn’t help himself. And later when he’d threaten to cut up his arms about it, Uzune would have to tell him he wasn’t useless after all, and even Kazuaki could tell when someone lied to his face.
“I bought groceries for the next week,” Uzune said. “But I also stopped by the pharmacy and bought supplies.”
Supplies. Did that mean the pills he mentioned? Eek, the thought of it was scarier than Kazuaki had thought it would be. “O-oh,” he managed.
“I figured you might want some more time,” Uzune went on. “We could do it tonight and get it over with, or we could wait for the end of the week and eat all the groceries first. It’s up to you, I don’t really mind either way.”
Uzune was so thoughtful. He knew Kazuaki was scared, that he might want more time. Maybe he could at least work up the courage to tell Uzune how he felt before they died together. Or maybe that would change everything, maybe Uzune would accept him and he wouldn’t have to die anymore…
“Nanaki?”
“Oh! Ah- um, maybe we could wait? I’d feel too bad wasting the groceries after you spent money on them…”
“Alright,” Uzune said. “Then what would you like for dinner?”
“Omurice!” Kazuaki said instantly, which made Uzune laugh.
“Isn’t that normally a breakfast food?” Uzune wondered, probably to himself.
Kazuaki thinks as long as it’s just the two of them, there’s no reason to care about things like that. It was better than eating snacks for all three meals, like he did before he met Uzune, anyway. The apartment still showed evidence of that lifestyle. It hadn’t been very long that Uzune had been living with him, so they hadn’t had time to clean. That, and that Uzune flatly insisted that Kazuaki help clean, so they hadn’t gotten around to it yet.
Uzune made him his omurice, and they ate together. Kazuaki cheerfully explained the mechanics of his latest gacha obsession, and Uzune gave a rough and short description of his day at work. That was how their dinners usually went, Kazuaki shoveling down food and talking through mouthfuls and Uzune coldly responding and trying his very best to be kind. It must be hard for him to be kind, though, to someone like Kazuaki, so it didn’t bother him much.
He talked a little bit about his job. He was a teacher, Kazuaki thought. Uzune was a hard worker. Luckily, Kazuaki had enough money from his parents that he could pay for the apartment himself, so at least he wasn’t burdening Uzune with that. His parents were a bit of a sore subject, so he tended not to think about them.
It was fine! He had Uzune, and his games, and his little apartment. Now that he wasn’t alone anymore, there was no way that his dead neighbor’s ghost could find him in his sleep. It was fine now!
And if it did all go wrong, or if nothing changed…
Well. He had until Sunday! And then he could just die, with the only person he had. That was good enough for him.