Archive of Our Own

10^th Birthday

On Benji’s 10^th birthday his parents gifted him a guitar. It was red and shiny and even though it was a smaller size for young learners, it still felt gigantic in his lap. His parents smiled at him and told him that they loved him, Benji told them that he loved them too and that it was the best present he had ever received. He strummed on the top few strings and practiced for the rest of the afternoon, just sounding out melodies and trying to piece together something that resembled a song. Occasionally he could hear the sounds of his parents voices rising from downstairs as they completed electronic calls with their clients.

Later in the evening, Benji brought them his guitar, played what he had practiced, and smiled as his parents praised him for being such a quick learner. Then they went back to their conversation about a case they were working on at their joint law firm. They went out to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and Benji blew out 10 candles on a vanilla birthday cake. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so happy.

The next night Benji brought the guitar out again and played for his parents. Just like the previous night, they seemed to enjoy it and then dived back into their work. Benji was an only child, he didn’t have anyone to play with at home, and so his guitar became his best friend. He treated it like it was fragile and took it with him everywhere around the house. He cleaned it every day and decided not to name it because he was too cool for that. His dad had a bass guitar and never named it, so Benji figured that he wouldn’t name his acoustic 6-string. He learned how to play a few chords by the end of the week and was able to slowly strum ‘brown eyed girl’.

A few days later, on Saturday night, Benji found his parents in the kitchen looking tense. “Benji sweetie, would you mind going back to your room?” His mother turned towards him, “your dad and I are having a grown-up conversation.”

“I learned how to play a new song?” Benji said softly, trying not to show too much excitement while peeking up at them from underneath his bangs. He was often asked to leave while his parents had these ‘grown up conversations’ but never understood what they could possibly be about.

His dad smiled and set down his glass of red wine, “well, I guess in that case we’d better listen.” The three made their way into the living room and Benji proudly showed off his newly learned skills. His parents applauded, kissed him on the forehead, and told him that they loved him. Then they went back into the kitchen and resumed whatever ‘grown-up conversation’ Benji wasn’t allowed to know about. He took his guitar and made his way to his room.

The cycle repeated itself each night, he would learn something new to play and show it to his parents. It never failed to get their attention, but he eventually noticed their excitement dwindle. Eventually he started guitar lessons and slowly stopped showing them his consistent progress. By the time he began middle school, he was able to play guitar in his schools jazz band and stopped playing for his parents.

12^th Birthday

On Benji’s 12^th birthday his parents told him that they would be moving from their home in Orlando to a new home in Atlanta. Two weeks later, Benji said goodbye to his classmates and helped his parents pack up his things into cardboard boxes. Before he knew it, their whole lives were changing. The hardest part was saying goodbye to his guitar teacher, Justin, a 25-year-old with shoulder length blonde hair who Benji spent 2 hours a week with at a music store downtown.

Justin taught Benji about the guitar but also clued him into which bands were worth listening to (Queen, Red Hot Chile Peppers, Pink Floyd, Metallica). He always brought mini Twix bars and Benji soon found himself with a new favorite candy. Sometimes he would remember having dreams about Justin, but he could never remember what they were about. Benji looked forward to his guitar lessons more than he looked forward to anything else and he begged his parents to let him go early just so he could spend more time with his teacher.

In their last meeting, Benji was finally able to play the riff from ‘Another Brick in the Wall’. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t fast, but it was something. He smiled and laughed, excited that he was able to play the riff during their last lesson.

“Thanks for the lessons Justin,” Benji looked up at him beaming.

“No problem little dude, have fun in Georgia.” Justin set his guitar down to the side of his stool and stood to walk over the door. “You leavin’ any girls behind here?” He winked at Benji.

“What? No. Gross” Benji scowled.

“Gross?” Justin chuckled. “One day you won’t find it so gross.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever not find it gross.” Benji made a face as he shut his guitar case.

“Well, you don’t want to be a fa-whoops-fairy right?” Justin said nonchalantly.

“A what?” Benji had heard that phrase on television and in the movies his parents watched sometimes, but he’d never heard someone use it in real life. He knew it was bad, but he wasn’t completely certain of what it meant.

Justin chuckled again, “nothing kid, forget I mentioned anything. Have a great time in Georgia, I’m gonna miss you!”

Benji quietly said thank you and then made his way out to the car, his dad ruffled his hair as he got into the passenger seat. They drove home in silence.

“Well, you don’t want to be a fairy right?”

Fairy…

Is that what you are?

I don’t think so?

But how would you know?

“Hey dad?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s a fairy?”

Benji’s dad coughed. “Like in the movies, Tinkerbell or something?” He asked hopefully, not looking over at his son.

“No, like, a person.” Benji wished he had never asked.

“Don’t worry about that Ben, you don’t need to know.”

“But-”

“End of discussion, Benjamin. Now when we get home, you need to finish packing up your books, the movers are coming in the morning to pick up the first load.”

Just keep it inside you Benji, no one needs to know.

14^th Birthday

On Benji’s 14^th birthday he went to the local pool with some of his friends from school. The move had been difficult but Benji had quickly adjusted and found a good group of friends at Creekwood Middle School through band. Living in Georgia was just as hot as living in Orlando and even though it was October, the pool was a welcome break from the humid air.

His parents were chatting with his friends parents under a pavilion by the pool, glancing over to the teens once in a while to make sure they were alive. None of the adults seemed interested in swimming, but they did get him a pretty big birthday cake so Benji still counted that as a win for the day.

Lucy, one of Benji’s newest friends, pushed Benji’s shoulders down until was under water. He could hear her laughing as he came back up for air and he splashed her as soon as he came back up.

“It’s my duty to throw you under 14 times, since it’s your 14^th birthday!’ Lucy laughed.

“It’s your duty?”

“Yes!”

“Stop flirting!” He heard Kyle scream from across the pool where he was with two others, Jake, and Lauren.

“We’re not flirting!” Benji and Lucy shouted back, rolling their eyes. Then he felt himself pushed under the water again. By the time he came back up, he could see the three others making their way over. Benji had joined band right when he moved and found these weirdo’s pretty quickly. They were fun but loud, and Benji often found himself happy to be around them but also sometimes a bit exhausted.

“I’m going to get a drink.” Benji said, pulling himself out of the pool.

“I’ll come with you.” Lauren said quickly, following him. Lauren played the alto sax and was quieter than Lucy, Kyle, and Jake. But she was always the person in their friend group who gave great advice and was there when you needed someone to listen. They made their way over to the vending machines where they could get coke.

“Are you having a good birthday, Benji?” Lauren asked with a smile, she seemed a bit shy.

“Yeah, are you having a good time?” Benji asked. He hadn’t spoken with Lauren alone very often. She was always there but Benji hung out with Lucy or Kyle more than anyone else.

“Yes.” She said quietly, Benji put a few quarters in the machine and then felt a hand tap him on the shoulder.

“Um, Benji…” Lauren gave him a determined look as he turned around and then suddenly she was kissing him. They were the same height but in that moment Benji felt much smaller than her. He was being kissed for the very first time. By a friend he didn’t know liked him but who he knew was objectively pretty. And it felt…..

Strange?

Wasn’t he supposed to like this? Wasn’t kissing girls something he was supposed to want? All of the guys at school said so, and he also knew what they said about boys who didn’t like kissing girls. He didn’t want to be like that. But this felt like kissing his pillow, although much more human. He felt nothing at all, her lips were warm and soft but that was it. What would it mean if he didn’t like it? Was it just Lauren or was it….?

Lauren pulled back abruptly, “I hope that was ok! I’ve liked you for a while, but I never told anyone until now. Although I think Kyle knew. Do you think Kyle knows?”

Benji assumed his face was as red as hers and he shook his head.

“It’s ok.” He smiled at her.

“What’s taking you so long?” They heard Lucy shout, “bring me back a mountain dew!”

Benji laughed and held his hand out to Lauren, she blushed and grinned at him as they made their way back to the pool.

Later that night, after they had all left, Benji invited Lauren over to his house. His parents had gone out for an important dinner with someone from work. Benji brought her to his room and they started making out on his bed. He could feel his body responding to the soft touches that she was giving him, but it didn’t feel as good as he thought it would.

Lauren sat up and took her shirt off, leaving her in just her bra, “you can take it off if you want,” she said excitedly, Benji didn’t know what else to do but to comply. He didn’t see what the big deal was about boobs, every other boy in his class seemed to think they were the greatest thing on earth but Benji never thought of them. Looking at Lauren’s boobs now, he didn’t feel any different.

Lauren pushed Benji back down lightly and started unbuckling his belt, then she pulled his jeans down to his ankles.

“Is this ok?” She asked. Benji nodded, “how far do you want to go?” He asked her.

Lauren blushed, “we can go all the way,” and Benji nodded.

His first time was nothing special, he had a few condoms that were passed out in sex ed hidden in his desk drawer, so they were able to be safe. It was short and felt good, but not great. At the end of the night, Lauren kissed Benji and left, needing to rush home before her parents started to worry about where she was. Benji stared up at his ceiling and wondered if this was what sex and relationships were like, and then wondered if Lauren and he were even in a relationship. He felt a wave of something come over him and he abruptly sat up and got his guitar, strumming until he was too tired to think.

Why didn’t you like it?

Was it just Lauren or was it all girls?

No, don’t go there.

Just don’t.

Just keep it inside you Benji, no one needs to know.

By the end of the week, Lauren had decided to go out with Kyle. Benji didn’t know if he felt sad or even angry, he didn’t think so, but he didn’t feel much of anything. Kyle started to ignore him at school, Benji thought that Lauren must have told him that they slept together. He started to see less of his friends after that.

15th Birthday

On Benji’s 15^th birthday he found a flyer on their schools bulletin board. Starting school at Creekwood High had been a new beginning. Some of his previous friends, Kyle, and Lauren, had gone to another school a few miles away, making life much less awkward at lunch and between the hallways. Although he didn’t speak to Lucy and Jake as often, he still said hello to them and kept his head down. It wasn’t that they weren’t friends, it was that Benji didn’t know how to talk to them (or anyone) anymore without feeling weird about what happened.

His parents had stopped coming home every night. Now they spent about 3 nights a week at their office when they had late client meetings, which was downtown and a 45-minute drive away from their house. It was easier to just get a hotel room next door for the evening, they said, and since he was in high school, they trusted him more and therefore gave him extra privileges. But Benji felt numb when he was home alone in their large house.

When he got to school on his birthday he found a flyer looking for guitar players for a pop/rock band. They had contact information for some guy named Derek and Benji ripped off one of the small pieces with his number. He texted Derek and they found a time to meet up later in the afternoon to have Benji audition for the band.

When Benji got to Derek’s house, he was surprised to find it so close to his own. He was able to walk there in 15 minutes easily with his guitar and knocked on the door. A tall guy with brown hair answered the door, looking down at Benji.

“Hey, you Benji?”

Benji nodded and held out his guitar, “I brought this, is that ok?”

Derek laughed, “yeah, absolutely, come on in.” Derek brought him down to his basement where the other band members were waiting.

“Benji, this is Savannah and Josh. Sav plays drums and Josh plays rhythm guitar.”

“Hey.” Benji smiled at them, a little nervous but excited to play again. He had decided against joining band in high school, wanting to focus on playing the things he enjoyed instead of being stuck with jazz music and overplayed classics all of the time. If he was honest with himself, he was also trying to avoid Lucy and Jake.

The band was great and Benji played well with them. Benji caught Derek’s eyes a few times and the older boy winked at him and smiled. He didn’t even notice that almost 2 hours had gone by before Derek stopped and said, “I think this’ll work out.” Benji smiled wide and felt happier than he had in months.

“One thing though, I’m gay and Sav is bi, if that’s a problem for you, you can leave.” Benji froze, his eyes widened. Derek and Sav looked at him coolly.

“No-not at all, not a problem.”

Derek grinned, “awesome, come back tomorrow, we practice every day after school. What year are you?”

“Freshman.”

“Really? You look older than that. Well, anyways, Sav and I are seniors and Josh is a junior, so we probably won’t see you in classes, but feel free to come sit with us at lunch.”

“Sure.” He nodded and tried not to look too excited, he didn’t want them to think he was some lame freshman, so he put on a casual smile even though he wanted to jump around the basement for joy.

“See you around Benji!”

Benji left Derek’s and started walking back towards his house, the lights were off when he got there, they probably stayed at the office.

Once he got up to his bedroom, Benji looked for Derek on Instagram. Once his found his profile he spent the rest of the night scrolling through his pictures. Derek was 17, a senior at Creekwood, and played bass. He had a little sister, loved watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, and had a cat named Mocha. But more importantly, Derek had a killer smile and a mischievous look in his eyes that made Benji feel something in the pit of his stomach.

Benji threw his phone down and stared at the ceiling. He thought back to when he was on this exact bed 1 year ago, when he had sex with Lauren and felt nothing. Derek wasn’t even here, and he could feel more for the boy he just met than he did with his friend who he lost his virginity too.

Did that mean?

No.

Just keep it inside you Benji, no one needs to know.

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Benji fit well with the band and he started hanging out with them between classes and at lunch. He would go to Derek’s every afternoon and eventually started driving there straight after school in Derek’s car. In late December, after they’d gotten to know each other a bit better, Derek invited Benji to a friend’s house party. Benji, wanting to spend more time with Derek, agreed and found himself at a seniors New Year’s Eve party the weekend before school started again. Benji’s parents didn’t ask questions, they seemed excited that he was making an effort to hang out with friends again. They also loved Derek, his dad had bonded with him over playing bass.

“Want some?” Derek asked him, holding a red cup out to Benji about 30 minutes to midnight.

“What is it?” He asked, looking at the brown liquid inside.

“Honestly, I’m not completely sure,” He took a sip out of the cup, “probably some sort of mix of stuff, but it tastes fine.”

I’ve never drank.

But I don’t want to look dumb.

Can’t be that bad.

“Sure.” Benji took the cup and took his first drink. He coughed a little bit, bringing his hand up to his mouth. It tasted like some sort of weird combination of coke and rubbing alcohol.

“I think it could have been. This is probably the cheapest shit they could find.” Derek laughed, Benji blushed, he hadn’t realized he said that out loud. “Eventually you stop caring about how it tastes as long as it gets you there.”

Benji sat with Derek and finished the drink, it burned down his throat and he could feel it in his chest. But he found that Derek was right, he cared less, and it burned less the more he drank. His head was feeling fuzzy and he felt warm inside, it was a good feeling. He smiled at Derek and found himself giggling more than he ever had.

Derek looked at him funny, “I’ve never seen you make that face before, you ok?”

“Well, I’ve never drank before, so, even,” He laughed.

Derek snorted, “you’ve never drank?”

Benji shook his head.

“Well, what do you think?”

Benji smiled,

“It’s good.”

Later on, 5 minutes to midnight, Benji watched Derek with another guy, a junior he had seen around school sometimes named Logan. He watched them kiss at midnight and then cheer as they rang in the new year while Benji stood alone in a crowd of people.

“See something you like?” Sav was next to him with a knowing grin.

Benji jumped, “Wha- no!”

“Want my advice?” Sav handed him another cup, “down this, it’ll help.”

Benji did. And then the next morning he woke up in Derek’s basement hungover for the first time in his life. Sav and Derek (and Logan) were on the floor next to him. Benji’s head hurt and his mouth felt disgusting. It was the most fun he could ever remember having.

__________________________________________________

A few months later, Benji went with Derek and Sav to a house party and Benji met Conner. Conner had sandy blonde hair, dark brown eyes, and was on the Creekwood diving team. Conner said that he thought Benji was cute and Benji immediately ran into the kitchen to find another drink.

20 minutes later Conner found Benji sitting on the bed in someone’s room, Benji wasn’t sure whose it was, he had been to too many house parties in the past three months to keep track. Conner asked if he could kiss Benji and Benji just nodded. Conners lips touched his and Benji knew in that moment that he was gay. He had always been gay. He would always be gay. Even if he didn’t want to be.

Conner was a frequent guest at the parties Derek and Sav brought Benji to, and somehow Benji always ended up with Conners tongue down his throat in random bedrooms, bathrooms, and once even a large walk-in closet. High school was wild.

First it was just kissing, then shirts came off, then pants, and then eventually everything else. By the fourth time they met up, Benji had come to look forward to hooking up with Conner and when they had sex for the first time, he felt excited. It was great, it felt like he always thought sex would feel. Not strange, or dull, or just OK like it did with Lauren. It was actually satisfying. Benji smiled at Conner and asked if they could hang out sometime. Conner laughed and kissed Benji one last time before leaving the room, Benji found Derek and they spent the rest of the night playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and downing a bottle of Whiskey with 10 other members of the senior Creekwood class.

At the next party, Conner brought his girlfriend of two years and never talked to Benji again. Benji told Derek that he wasn’t feeling good and left, walking home slowly. It was a perk that so many people at Creekwood lived around one another.

By the time he got home, Benji’s parents were asleep. It was still early in the evening, so he found one of his parents bottles of Vodka and spent the night in his room with it. By the time he woke up, his parents were gone, and he filled the bottle back up with water before returning it to their liquor cabinet.

He felt better.

__________________________________________________

After band practice one night, Benji stayed behind with Derek to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. Derek said that his favorite was Kourtney and Benji said that he had no idea who any of them were. Derek explained who everyone in the family was and Benji watched him as he animatedly talked about his favorite show. When Derek was passionate about something, his entire face lit up and he was endearing, like Benji wanted to listen to him talk forever.

Then, Benji leaned over and kissed Derek. He pulled away quickly.

“I’m sorry Derek, I don’t want to-”

Derek smiled at him, “it’s OK Benji.” And he kissed him back. The two spent the rest of the evening lazily making out and talking.

“So, you’re gay?” Derek asked quietly.

“Not sure what I am.” Benji whispered.

Liar.

“That’s ok.” Derek said.

It’s not ok.

“I don’t want to tell anyone.” Benji told him fearfully.

Derek frowned, “does anyone know?”

Benji shook his head, “only you. Well, and Conner.”

Derek huffed, “Conner Baker is an asshole, but he won’t tell anyone. He’s too afraid to lose his girlfriend.”

“Oh, so he’s?”

“Bi I think, but I’m not sure. Good news is you don’t have to deal with him anymore.” Derek kissed him softly, “I thought you were cute the moment you came to my front door, I just didn’t know you were interested. Lucky me.”

Benji smiled, “lucky you.”

He stayed the night with Derek, his hands were big, and his arms felt warm around him, it felt safe as he buried himself in his chest as they slept on the couch together. He started to think that maybe, just maybe, it would be ok.

__________________________________________________

The next day, Benji grinned the entire way home. His parents cars were in the driveway and he excitedly opened the door and found them in their study.

“Hey.” He said and they looked up from their books.

“Good morning Benji, did you have a good time with your friends last night?”

“Yeah, um, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I was with Derek-”

“You spend a lot of time with that band Benji, are you still studying enough?”

“What, yeah mom, I am but I-”

“How is Derek? And how is Savannah? She is such as lovely girl, aren’t her and Derek dating?”

“What? No, but speaking of Derek-”

“Have we met Derek’s parents dear?” His mother asked his father, “I think that they work at the Wells Fargo headquarters for Atlanta just down the block from our building.”

“I’m not sure, but we’ll have to invite them out for dinner sometime.”

They continued their conversation and Benji gave up. He walked up the stairs to his room.

Keep everything inside of you.

16^th Birthday

On Benji’s 16^th birthday he woke up in a hospital bed. It was his seventh day there and he thought he would be used to the low beeping noises, but they still sounded as loud as they did when he first woke up the previous week.

__________________________________________________

(Thoughts in parentheses)

Derek, Sav, and Benji started to go to house parties almost every weekend over the summer, school was out, and they were free. Benji looked forward to being with Derek and even though he didn’t feel comfortable coming out to the whole school yet, he felt comfortable enough with Derek that he didn’t mind PDA at his friend’s house. It was a strange system, but it worked for Benji.

He started to drink more and more, it took a while for him to get drunk, and Derek’s friends always challenged him to see who could hold their liquor better. Benji usually won. When he wasn’t at parties, Benji started sneaking bottles out of his parents cabinet, always careful to refill and even add food coloring when needed to make it look the same. His parents didn’t like to drink often, they just thought that having a supply would impress their party guests, so they never noticed. By the end of June, Benji couldn’t imagine a day without drinking.

He knew that the alcohol was hurting him, he knew that when he drank it was destroying his body. He could see how bloodshot his eyes were, how damaged his stomach was from the excess acid from the alcohol, it was impossible to sleep without getting drunk. When his parents took him to the doctors after one pretty bad hangover, he lied and said that he thought it was food poisoning from a dinner at his friend’s house. The excuse seemed to placate his parents and the doctor looked like her day was too busy to probe further with a boy who was so adamant and otherwise healthy. It was a miracle that school was out, he could barely concentrate on anything other than band practice and getting drunk. But even band practice was getting a little difficult without taking a drink, his hands would shake and mess up his playing, so he started taking a few shots before heading over to Derek’s.

On one night after band practice, Derek stopped Benji and asked if he was ok, that he seemed strange lately. He couldn’t remember the last time that they had spent time together outside of band practice, and Benji seemed distant. Benji shrugged it off and kissed him, as he pulled back, Derek frowned and leaned in again.

“Benji, is that alcohol? It’s 4pm?”

“What? No.”

Derek narrowed his eyes. “I have a nose Benji.”

“Ok yes, but my parents were gifted this super expensive bottle of Bourbon from a client whose case they won last week, and they wanted to crack it open. They let me have a little bit.”

“Really?” Derek didn’t look convinced.

“Really, I promise.”

(Liar.)

“Promise?” Derek looked hesitant.

Benji winked at him, “One hundred percent, see you later handsome.”

“Bye beautiful.” Derek said softly as Benji walked down his driveway.

For the next few months, Derek, Sav, and Josh watched as Benji got worse, but every time they brought it up Benji would deny it. Benji started missing band practice and skipping school, although he was somehow able to keep his grades average enough to not cause the school to notify his parents. When he was at school, he would hide a flask in his backpack and drink it in the bathroom stalls in between classes.

“Benji, we need to talk.” Derek stopped him one afternoon as school let out. Derek had started college that fall but sometimes he came to pick Benji up from school as a surprise.

“What?” Benji looked away.

“What going on?”

“What do you mean?” The words sounded heavy on his tongue, which was starting to get a little numb.

“Really?” Derek said sadly. “Benji, are you drunk right now?”

(Yes)

“No, of course not.”

“Let me see your backpack.” He reached forward for his bag.

“No.” Benji jerked away, glaring at Derek.

“Benji.”

“Derek just leave me alone.” He shouted, breath coming out shallow.

Derek froze, “fine,” and he walked away, leaving Benji alone to walk home.

Later that night, Benji crashed his dad’s car into a Wendy’s, he didn’t remember how he made the decision. He just knew he was hungry, and that Wendy’s was a quick 5-minute drive away. He would be back before he knew it and his parents were asleep anyways. Thank god for 24 hour fast-food.

Everything from there was hazy in his memory. He remembered getting to Wendy’s, ordering food, and then paying for it. But when he tried to drive away, he steered the car into the side of the building, right next to a window, instead of getting back on the road. He remembered the screams of people in the parking lot, thankfully no one was sitting inside. He remembered the way his head hurt, and the left side of his body felt numb. Then everything went black.

__________________________________________________

He had woken up to see his parents standing over him, he could tell that they had been crying and it took five seconds for Benji to break down from a combination of the pain from his injuries, the looks on his parents faces, and the realization of what he had done.

“I’m gay, I’m gay and I don’t want to be. I’m so sorry, I-” Benji felt like he couldn’t breathe. The words were choked inside of him as he felt tears roll down his face. The pain medication he was on was strong and as soon as he got the words out he could feel himself falling back into unconsciousness.

__________________________________________________

The next time Benji woke up, Derek was there. He could feel Derek’s hand on his and he squeezed it as much as he could, still feeling exhausted.

“Benji?” Derek whispered.

“Hey Derek.” Benji half-smiled, he could tell that Derek had been crying, his eyes were red and swollen.

“How are you feeling.” He asked, rubbing his thumb across Benji’s hand, like he was trying not to break it.

“Physically, ok, these pain meds work really well.” He smiled. Derek didn’t smile back, his eyes were glassy, and he looked away.

“So. You, crashed your car into a Wendy’s, drunk.” Derek stated. He didn’t seem angry, but his eyes looked stormy.

“I’m so sorry Derek, you were right to be worried. I-I don’t know how to stop- I.”

“No, I’m sorry, I should have seen or been able to tell- I- God Benji, I gave you your first drink and now.”

“It’s not your fault Derek, it’s mine. It’s my fault. And now-” Benji’s voice cracked, he didn’t realize how close he was to falling apart here in front of Derek, in the middle of a hospital with doctors and nurses everywhere. He swallowed and shoved it down.

“Is anyone hurt?”

Derek snorted, “besides you? No, it was 2am so the dining room of Wendy’s was closed. You just did some structural damage.”

“What about my dad’s car?”

“Totaled. But Benji, it’s just a car ok, what’s important is that you’re ok.”

Derek cried and Benji comforted him as best he could with a broken leg and broken rib. His parents made their way back in and cried with Derek. They told him that they loved him and were scared for him but that they supported him. After a few hours, everyone left and Benji was alone in a hospital room.

The looks on their faces, their tears, the guilt, the damage. It was too much. So Benji decided that he would never drink again, no matter how much he wanted to. He would lock up all of the parts of him that craved alcohol and never let them see the light of day. He didn’t want to hurt the only people he loved even more than he already had. He wouldn’t let them see him hurt again. If he just smiled, everything would be ok.

Just keep it inside you Benji, no one needs to know.

After taking some time to heal, Benji started attending weekly AA meetings. His license was suspended, and he pled guilty to a DUI. He got a job at a local coffee shop, Brasstown, to start paying back the fines his parents payed for him through juvenile court. He wanted to pay them back as quickly as possible, so he worked every day after school. Eventually he was promoted to assistant manager halfway through his sophomore year.

The band practiced a few late nights a week and on the weekend to help Benji keep his schedule, and life was moving forward at this new normal. Benji and Derek stayed together, but Benji often felt like Derek only stayed out of guilt. Derek moved into college and Benji was still in high school, there was no way that he wanted to hang around his old school when there was so much more he could do without Benji clinging to him. To make up for it, Benji became the perfect boyfriend, going out of his way to make sure they didn’t get into any fights, he never mentioned being uncomfortable when Derek drank in front of him, and he backed down from any possible confrontation.

Benji’s parents were ambivalent at best. His mom seemed to have no problems with him being gay, but they also didn’t really talk about it. His dad however, always seemed to find a reason to leave the room when Benji entered. Benji didn’t say much to his parents, they existed within the same house but kept to separate rooms and corners. The nights where Benji had intense headaches and could feel his hands shaking from withdrawal, he buried himself into his bed and screamed into his pillow, not wanting his parents to see how much he was struggling when all he wanted to do was go grab a bottle of whatever liquor they still had hidden somewhere in the house. He kept his pain killers in the kitchen and put a chair in front of his door to stop himself from going downstairs and taking more than the intended dosage.

It would be so easy to just say you accidentally took more than you needed.

I bet Oxy would feel the same as booze.

Maybe it would feel better…..

STOP

Just keep it inside you Benji, no one needs to know.

__________________________________________________

On one random day over winter break, Benji’s dad asked if he wanted to go get lunch. They pulled up to a strip club. Benji looked to his dad who refused to meet his eyes.

“What are we doing here dad?”

“Benji, I uh, it’s completely fine if your gay but- I just- I wonder if you think that because you don’t know what it would be like to be with a woman.”

Benji stared straight ahead and out of the car.

Just keep it inside Benji, calm down, it’ll be over soon.

His dad got out of the car and Benji slowly moved to join him. He walked into the strip club and sat down at a random table after his dad payed off the bouncer with a few hundred dollars to get his underage son in without issue. Then his dad paid for a lap dance and a stripper named Jacuzzi came over. She sat on his lap and put her boobs close to his face, Benji thought of Lauren, and how he would never, no matter how hard he wished for it, be straight.

“Please stop, I’m so sorry, I’m gay, I don’t want this.” Benji said to her, feeling anger seep through him. Jacuzzi got off of him, took the money he got from his dad, and went to find another client. Benji got up and made his way to the exit as quickly as he could, hearing his dad calling him as he followed his son out.

“What was that?” Benji shouted as he soon as he was outside.

His dad, face red, looked towards the ground.

Benji could feel the anger rolling inside of him, desperate to claw its way out.

“What was that?” He shouted again.

His dad, collecting himself, looked up and met Benji’s eyes.

“Are you really gay?” He asked, sincerely.

“Yes, and that’s never going to change. I’ve had sex with a girl dad, and boys. And it’s pretty clear to me that I’m gay. And I’m trying so hard not to hate myself, I’m trying to hard dad. But I-” Benji stopped suddenly.

That was too much

His dad came over and gave him a hug.

“I love you Benji, I’m sorry.”

17th Birthday

On Benji’s 17^th birthday he woke up, stared at the ceiling, and felt happy about the day ahead for the first time in years. His birthday’s had been inconsistent at best, but this year he had a boyfriend that he truly loved. He jumped out of bed, got dressed, and quietly made his way down the stairs before realizing that his parents were in the kitchen. The last thing Benji wanted was some sort of weird and awkward confrontation with his parents, all he wanted to do was see his boyfriend.

My boyfriend, Benji smiled to himself. His boyfriend, Victor, who he had been with since the beginning of summer. Victor, who was funny, and sweet, and loving, and caring. Victor made him feel happier than anyone else ever had. His breakup with Derek made sense, after the initial split, he went over to his house and they talked about everything that had happened over the past few years. The two realized that they had only stayed together because of a collective guilt over Benji’s accident and the history that they had with the band. But now they needed to go their separate ways, although they would keep in contact.

Glancing down at his watch, Benji realized that he was going to be late to his shift at Brasstown. He sat on the stairs and counted to 60, hoping that by the time he was done that they would have moved out of the kitchen. Once the voices of his parents faded away, Benji rushed out the door.

By the time Benji made it to work he was only 10 minutes late, well within time to make up some excuse about dreams and the Hemsworth brothers that Victor seemed to appreciate.

“Well, lucky for you, today’s the only day you’re allowed to be late. Happy birthday! And I’m glad you slept in cause I can’t have you tired for tonight. I have big plans for us.”

“Oh yeah, what kinds of plans?”

“Uh, let’s just say I may have ‘borrowed’ a bottle of Champaign from my mother’s wine cabinet.”

Benji’s eyes dropped a bit, he knew he’d have to find a way out of the Champaign, but that could wait until later. Maybe I can distract Victor with a blowjob or something.

“A little bit of drinking, a little bit of fooling around. And that’s all I have planned. Should I have tried a little bit harder?”

“No, no, that’s perfect. My parents should be out cold after this bougie dinner they’re dragging me to.”

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

I wish you were right.

He tried to placate Victor by telling him about how his mother tries to impress the wait staff with her pronunciation of French foods. It made him laugh and Benji watched as Victor’s eyes lit up his whole face and his smile made him look like sunshine.

Suddenly, Benji’s mom entered and brought him a chocolate pastry that she always got when she dragged him to this French bakery close to her practice. He rolled his eyes when she asked for an oat milk latte, which met the criteria for her new vegan diet she decided to try two weeks prior. Benji thanked her for the croissant and turned away from his mother, leaving Victor with her.  He went to the back stockroom and started looking through their inventory, thinking about what was to come later that evening.

Chez Luisant was a restaurant one of his parents clients owned and had been to multiple times prior. They said that they were excited to celebrate his birthday but Benji suspected they were even more excited to uphold professional connections. He knew that his parents cared about him, but he wished that they had tried a little harder to do something that he wanted to do. No, he thought. Just get through the night, it won’t be that bad. If you say anything you know it’ll make everything worse. After you get home you can go see Victor. He finally located the oat milk and made his way back out to the floor to start the espresso machine.

“Oh, I’m going to take a rain check on the latte. My, uh, my matcha’s just kicked in and I’m feeling a little buzzy. I can’t wait to celebrate you later.”

“Did she just wink at you?” Benji asked and glanced at Victor as his mother walked out of the coffee shop. Victor said something about having the softest cheeks in Creekwood and Benji chuckled, quickly squeezing his boyfriends ass, then Victor pulled him in for a kiss.

I wish my birthday could just be this, with you.

__________________________________________________

Later that night, Benji’s parents took him to the restaurant. His mom and dad ordered Champaign to sip on while they waited for their table and Benji tried not to watch as they drank it. He knew they would opt for sparkling cider while they were eating dinner, but it was still difficult sometimes, even a year sober, to be around it.

Benji felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see his boyfriend.

No.

“Well, look who the cat dragged in.”

“And what a dapper cat he is. Wait, Victor isn’t the cat. He’s what the cat is dragging. That is such a strange expression.” Benji wished he could make his parents mute with the power of his mind. He looked up at Victor.

“Victor, what are you doing here?”

“Uh, good to see you, too?”

Shit

“No, sorry, I-I just meant-”

“We asked Victor to join us as a little birthday surprise.” His mother said smiling. He knew that she thought she was doing something good for Benji, but he wished that she had done literally anything else.

“Ah well, you guys look great. I wasn’t totally sure what “cozy chic” meant, but now I think I get it.”

“It sounds like my wife gave you one of her indecipherable dress codes. Last week, it was “fireside fashionable.””

“Well, no matter what I say, he always wears the same sweater vest.”

“Oh, there’s our table.” Benji said quickly as he saw the waiter making a hand gesture towards them.

“Oh, Victor, you are in for a treat. The food here is truly divine.” His mother said as she made her way into the main dining area.

This is my worst nightmare.

Benji got up and walked towards the dining room quickly to try to catch up to his mother, he avoided looking at Victor, too scared to make eye contact or show any sign of discomfort. She had already sat down by the time he caught up with her and he felt his dad behind him, arm over Victor’s shoulders, making it impossible to intervene early.

Once they were seated and appetizers were ordered, the conversation picked back up.

“Your mom really does say ratatouille like she’s trying to win a Michelin star.” Victor whispered to him.

Benji smiled curtly and nodded, then looked over to his parents, trying desperately to get their eye contact. Without even glancing his way, Benji’s mom clanged her fork against her glass and Benji’s heart dropped.

“Um, mom, can I actually talk to you for a second?” He gestured behind him, trying to get them to leave now, immediately, and get his parents away from his boyfriend.

“Sure. Right after the sparkling cider toast.” Benji sat back in his chair and gulped, trying to push down the anxiety surging up through him like a tidal wave.

“Benjamin, we couldn’t love you more.”

If you loved me you’d stop right now.

“We all know that the last couple of years haven’t been easy-”

NO.

“Mom, I, I just” Benji tried again, he did everything he could to come across as calm, but he could tell that his voice was starting to shake.

“Let her have her moment, she practiced this at home for an hour. A very long hour.” His dad’s eyes were firm and Benji knew that he’d lost. He sat back again and prayed for them to get through this with the least amount of damage as possible.

“Shush!” His mom laughed.

“After your car accident last year,”

Benji could still hear the crash of metal before everything went dark. He could still hear the screams of the Wendy’s employees and customers in the parking lot as they realized what happened.

“You were so hard on yourself and things were pretty dark for a while there, and-”

Victor looked at Benji, he could see it out of the corner of his eye. Benji could feel his breathing getting heavier, he looked to Victor and then quickly looked away.

Should I stop this? Can I stop this? Will they listen?

“-you decided to put in the hard work. Look at you now. You’re so committed to your sobriety, and your AA meetings.”

There it is.

“And last week, you earned your one-year chip. We couldn’t possibly be prouder of you, darling. We love you so much Benji. Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

And at that table, in a restaurant he couldn’t care less about, wearing clothes that made him feel like the room was on fire, surrounded by glasses filled with liquid that resembled the alcohol he wanted right now more than anything, the one thing he never wanted Victor to know was out in the open.

“Wait, wait. You’re, you’re sober?” Victor asked Benji.

The room fell silent to Benji, all he could hear was the ringing in his ears.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

I can’t do this.

Benji found the front the restaurant and somehow managed to avoid knocking anyone over as he tried to escape as fast as possible. He could feel his fingers clenching and unclenching into fists, a coping mechanism that started doing unconsciously after he first experienced withdrawal symptoms. Once he came into the open air he felt like he could breathe a little bit better.

What do I do now?

He knows now.

I was going to tell him!

Should I have told him before?

How was he supposed to tell him?

How was he supposed to tell him that no matter what he says, no matter how much Victor is there for Benji, it would never be enough? How does he tell him that all he wants, more than anything else in the world right at this moment, was to open a bottle of whiskey and pour it down his throat until he couldn’t feel anything anymore? That no matter what Victor says, does, or doesn’t say or do, there’s nothing he can do to stop him or take the feeling away. Even worse, there’s nothing he can do to make him stop wanting it.

And there’s nothing that makes him stop wanting it. It’s a year later and Benji can still remember what it feels like to lose himself in a haze of alcohol and get to a place where everything feels good and numb. Where any pain, sadness, or anger melts away with every drop of liquor.

Sometimes Benji almost talks himself into taking a drink or two. It had been a year sober, wasn’t that enough time? He’d given his body enough pause from alcohol to heal. Healthy people had a few drinks a week; if he just had a few he wouldn’t be doing anything that the average person didn’t. Why couldn’t he drink the same amount as his classmates did? Why couldn’t he just be a normal teenager?

But it wasn’t the same and that thought is what he tried to cling to when he was craving alcohol. It made him angry and frustrated but he knew that what it really made him feel was shame. Shame from knowing that it would never just be one, or two, or even three. It would be as many as he could drink before he passed out or couldn’t remember where to get more. Shame from knowing that this would never fully go away, and he would have to live with this forever. Shame that if Victor knew he wouldn’t be able to look at him without worrying, or worse, that he would see Benji as weak. It was pity that Benji couldn’t take, he saw it on his parents face, on Derek’s face, he never wanted to see that from Victor.

And it’d been a year. That’s a long time. What if he fucks it up and then everyone that knows is disappointed in him? His parents, sponsor, everyone at AA would be disappointed. That’s enough people, he didn’t need his boyfriend disappointed too. How would he look at him after that?

Benji didn’t want Victor to know any of those things, maybe not ever. He wanted to keep it locked up and away from Victor, who smiled so brightly that it made Benji believe that maybe everything would be ok. He didn’t want to darken that, especially considering everything Victor had been going through in the last few months. If Benji added his problems onto Victors, he didn’t know if they’d withstand the weight of it all.

But now, he knew. The moment Victor walked into the restaurant Benji knew that it was over. He knew that they wouldn’t walk out the same way that they walked in.

“Hey.”

Benji turned around and saw Victor walking towards him.

Just be cool Benji. Maybe we can pretend it’s no big deal.

“Hey. I’m really sorry you had to find out about AA like that.”

“What about at the cabin?” Victor asked.

Shit.

“We, we were drinking vodka,” he continued.

“I was drinking orange juice. I switched out my cup when no one was looking. Whenever we’re around alcohol, I, I just… fake it. It’s easier to pretend that I drink instead of explain why I don’t.”

How do you explain that you’re a 17-year-old alcoholic to a bunch of people you just started getting to know?

“I mean, I, I get that. I do. With other people. But why didn’t you tell me that? We tell each other everything.”

Everything Victor, really? You tell me everything?

Benji could feel himself starting to get angry and he tried to push it down, he didn’t want Victor seeing that side of him.

“I don’t know, Victor. I, I guess I just didn’t want you to think of me as your boyfriend, the alcoholic.”

Victor’s face tightened, “I would never judge you like that.”

I know! I know! But that’s who I am Victor!

“No, of course not. It’s just my own stuff. Look, can you. I’m sorry, okay. Can, can you just forgive me?”

He looked at Victor and tried his best to look cool. This whole night had been one giant nightmare and it just wouldn’t end.

Victor stepped towards him, “I want to, it’s just that, you always push me to be more open with you.”

No.

“And this is like, a huge part of your life that you just hid from me.”

The dam inside him broke. And then he fucked everything up.

“You know, you could at least try and be a little more understanding.”

Stop it Benji.

“I’ve put up with a ton of your shit and never made you feel bad about any of it.”

The words just came out, the anger felt so strong and intense, his vision was blurry. He wanted to hurt Victor. Why couldn’t he control himself?

“Whoa, what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing. You know, just forget it.”

Walk away Benji.

“No, please, tell me. What shit have you had to put up with?”

Fuck.

“I don’t know Victor. There’s the fact that you’re completely new to being gay and every single thing that we go through is this massively big deal that we have to examine. And then, then there’s your mom who thinks that you’re going to hell for being with me and every time she takes a tiny step forward, I’m supposed to jump for joy. I mean, I’m not even allowed in your house. But do I ever make you feel guilty about any of that stuff? No. No, I’ve been nothing but patient and understanding. The very least you could do is just, is return the favor.”

Good job Benji.

“I guess I just didn’t realize how much patience and understanding it took to be with me. Happy birthday Benji.” Victor turned and walked away.

He had broken his only rule.

Keep everything inside of you, don’t show them how you feel, you’ll never win.

_____________________________________

The rest of Benji’s birthday and the day after were a blur. He went back inside and told his parents that Victor had to leave, and they spent the rest of the meal trying not to bring up the awkwardness. Benji’s mind spiraled,

Good job asshole.

Look, you pushed away the only persons who actually loves you!

It doesn’t matter anyways, he knows you’re a fuck-up!

Why would he want to be with you now that he knows?

Why can’t you just control yourself?

Why are you so angry all of the time?

Why don’t you just take a small drink?

On the car ride back, Benji’s phone chimed.

Victor- Hey, can you come over?

He waited until they got home, and his parents turned their lights out before he snuck out through the basement door. After that, everything moved in fast forward. Victor let him in, Benji apologized, Victor asked him to his room, they started to have sex, Victors mom walked in. Victor pushed him off and went out to see his mom. Benji sat there in Victor’s room for a moment and looked around at the bedroom of his boyfriend that he had only been in 1 time before. Then things got blurry again.

Benji blew up and Victor asked him to leave. He got home and knocked himself out with NyQuil, woke up the next morning, and fought with Victor again at work. By the time he made it home and realized that his parents were gone, he felt exhausted. Before he knew it, he was in front of his parents ‘secret’ liquor cabinet. They thought he didn’t know about it, but they were never too careful with hiding things around him. But now, here it was right in front of him.  

It wouldn’t be too bad.

You could just have 1 shot, maybe 2.

Relapse is a part of recovery, and you haven’t relapsed yet, you’re allowed this one!

It’ll be fine.

No one will know.

What would Victor think?

The last thought shot through Benji like someone pouring cold ice water over his head. He dropped down onto the carpet and brought his hands to his head, taking deep breaths as he tried to get himself under control. Eventually he called Hank, his sponsor, and he was able to stay on the phone with him until he got to Benji’s house. Hank stayed with him until later in the afternoon.

Then Victor showed up.

At first, everything was fine and once Benji saw the picture of them on Victor’s phone he knew that they would be alright eventually. Then, he saw the text from Rahim, and everything fell apart again.

Victor had told Rahim about his alcoholism and now two people at Creekwood knew. Benji could feel his heart breaking in his chest from the betrayal. Everything felt so intense and it took him a few moments to figure out what words he wanted to say. They ended the night with their relationship on pause.

Benji crawled his way back up to his bed and stayed there until the next morning. He hated his birthday.

18^th Birthday

On Benji’s 18^th birthday, he woke up early and packed up some of his things. As he made his way downstairs, his parents greeted him with pancakes and smiles, wishing him a happy birthday. For the first year in many, he was looking forward to the day ahead.

After breakfast, Benji grabbed his bags and guitar and put them in the back of his truck, waving at his parents before driving off.

________________________________________

(thoughts in parentheses)

The night of the wedding felt like it was lifetimes ago, when it was only hours prior. Benji remembered seeing Victor and Rahim slow dancing together. The person that Victor had been spending a lot of time with lately, the person who Victor’s family loved, the person who Victor had told Benji’s most shameful secret.

He could see the way they looked at each other, the way they held each other, the way that they moved together, and he knew.

Then Victor looked at him and paused, shocked.

Benji stepped back and turned to run away. Victor tried to stop him but Benji had to leave.

(Of course, he’s with someone else, of course he doesn’t want you. He can be with someone else, who’s better, who isn’t a disaster. You should have known better. This is what you get).

Benji got home to an empty house and didn’t even think before he was in his parents liquor cabinet. He grabbed the first bottle he could find, took the cap off, threw it down, and started chugging. He must have downed a quarter of the bottle before he stopped, feeling relieved in the moment. Benji picked up the cap from the floor and made his way into the living room, not thinking about who would see or when his parents would be home. He didn’t care anymore and even worse, he didn’t want to care. The alcohol would take care of that for him. Time moved slower as he let the feeling roll through his body.

Finally.

Soon he felt himself get warm and his thoughts slow, everything felt nice and he smiled. It had been a while since he’d felt this good. Benji didn’t know how long he was there on the couch before he heard a knock on the door. He took another swig from the bottle before he stood up shakily to see who was there.

Victor. He took a breath.

Benji opened the door slowly and Victor smiled at him, “Hey.”

“Hey” Benji could hear himself say quietly, he leaned his head against the door and held onto the handle, stumbling a bit, but trying to hide it from him.

“Benji?” Victor stepped forward, “Are you ok?”

“Why areeyou here?” Benji said, he could hear how slurred his words were and hated the way it sounded.

“Benji, are you drunk?” Victor said quietly.

Shame burned deep in Benji and he started to close the door.

“No, Benji, wait!” Victor pushed the door back open, he didn’t meet much resistance considering how gone Benji was. “Can I come inside, please Benji.” Victor’s eyes were persistent and Benji could tell it was not a request.

“Sure.” He backed away from the door and started to make his way to the couch. Benji sat on the opposite end of the couch from the bottle, suddenly feeling sick. This was what he didn’t want, he didn’t want Victor involved with his shit or having to deal with this. He was used to carrying everything inside of him. He also hadn’t eaten anything all day and suddenly he was starting to feel the consequences.

Victor found the bottle and took it into the kitchen, he could hear him pouring it down the drain. Benji closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch. A few moments later he felt a warm hand on his forehead, pushing his hair back.

“Benji?” Victor said quietly.

“Mm?” Benji replied.

“Can I sit down?”

Benji nodded and Victor sat next to him, he opened his eyes halfway and saw Victor sitting there awkwardly. Benji chuckled.

“Not what you expected, huh?”

Victor sighed.

“No, why are you drunk, Benji?”

“Why am I drunk? Why?” Benji laughed.

“I thought you’d been sober for a year?”

“Well ’m not perfect Victor, far from it. I’m-a mess. But it doesn’t matter anymore right, you have Rahim?”

“I don’t have Rahim. I didn’t even know I felt anything for him until tonight.”

(Oh.)

“But you feel something for him?”

Victor paused, “Yes” he finally said. “I didn’t know until he kissed me.”

“He kissed you?” Benji said in a small voice.

“He did, it was right after you left. And then I went and spoke with Felix and I knew that even though I have some feelings for Rahim, I love you Benji. I choose you, I always will.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Victor said back.

“Why choose me?”

“Do you… not want me to choose you?”

“No, God Victor, I don’t-I don’t know anything anymore, I thought I did, and I was wrong. I can’t even-” Benji could feel the bile coming up in his throat. He slapped his hand over his mouth and tried to get off the couch.

“Oh no, stay there, I’ll be right back.” Victor shot up and Benji stared after him, trying his best not to vomit everywhere. His parents would kill him, well, they were already going to kill him.

Victor returned with a trash can from their closest bathroom and quickly handed it to Benji who abruptly vomited into it. Victor sat next to him and rubbed small circles into his back. After finishing, Benji pushed the trash can away and collapsed back into the couch. He tried to take a few deep breaths to stop the room from spinning and his eyes burned with tears from the vomiting.

“I think I’m gonna pass out soon.” Benji said, his brows furrowed.

“We should probably get you to bed.” Victor moved over to help him.

“Can do it mself.” Benji mumbled, trying to push himself off of the couch. The last thing Benji wanted was for Victor to see him at his most vulnerable.

“Benji, c’mon, let me help you.” Victor put his arm on his shoulder.

“No.” Benji tried to shrug it off.

“Benji.” Victor held on tighter. Somehow Benji was only getting closer to Victor instead of further away.

“Said no.” He tried to pull away, but it wasn’t working.

“Benji.”

“No, please.”

“You can’t make it up there yourself.”

“I can try.”

“Why won’t you let me help you?” Victor pleaded.

“Because I don’t deserve it!” Benji finally cried out, tears were streaming down his face and he curled in on himself. “I don’t deserve it, I-” His words were muffled into Victor’s chest as the other boy pulled him into his body and wrapped his arms around Benji. He buried his face in his hair and rocked them back and forth, letting Benji cry into him. He had never seen him cry before but thinking back on their relationship he hadn’t seen Benji ever be anything but cool, happy, or sometimes what seemed uncharacteristically angry.

“It’s ok, it’s ok.” He whispered. They sat there for a while, just holding each other on the couch. Victor felt Benji’s body get heavier against him. “Benji?” He asked quietly.

“Mm?” Benji said sleepily.

“We really should probably get you to bed. I’m not strong enough to carry you so you’ll have to help me.”

Benji nodded and felt his arm get wrapped around Victor’s shoulder and Victors arm wrap around his waist. Then they slowly made their way to the staircase and awkwardly climbed their way up. Victor opened his bedroom door and helped Benji get undressed and into bed.

“Stay?” Benji whispered.

Victor frowned, “Is that a good idea?”

Benji shook his head, “downstairs? On the couch?”

Victor pulled out his phone and sent a text to his parents and Pilar. “Sure.” He reached his hand back out again to smooth Benji’s hair down, “get some sleep.” Benji watched Victor turn off the light and walk out of the room and then he couldn’t remember anything more.

________________________________________

Benji pulled his mom’s truck into the driveway of his family’s house at Lake Lanier. The last time he was here was a little under a year ago, but everything still looked the same. He grabbed his bags, guitar, and headed inside.

________________________________________

The morning after the wedding, Benji made his way downstairs and found Victor still there in his kitchen. His head was hurting less than he thought it would, but it took three full minutes of brushing his teeth and two swigs of Listerine to make his mouth feel less like a trashcan.

“My parents come home?” Benji asked yawning,

“No,” Victors brows furrowed slightly while Benji nodded and made his way over to the kitchen counter.

“You don’t seem surprised. Do they, not come home a lot?”

Benji shrugged and found a banana in the fruit bowl, he started to peel it down while walking over towards the barstools that Victor was sitting at.

“Sometimes. Depends on how busy things are at their firm.”

“Your parents are lawyers, right?”

Benji nodded.

“I’ve never had a night alone at home. My parents are there, or we had a babysitter. Back in Texas my grandparents or other family would watch us.”

“It’s not so bad, makes sneaking people in a lot easier.” Benji tried to lighten the mood.

“It sounds lonely.”

Benji paused and looked over to where Victor was picking at his fingernails. He swallowed and gestured towards the fridge.

“Do you want anything?”

Victor shook his head, “I’m not hungry.”

“Victor, I’m really sorry that you had to see me like that, I never wanted you to have to deal with…that.”

“It’s ok.” Victor said quickly.

“It’s not.”

“I’ve seen a lot of people drunk, I am a basketball player after all.”

Benji grimaced, “it’s not the same.”

“How?”

He looked away and towards the window, the sunlight streaming in seemed cold and it was bright against his eyes.

“I feel like you keep so much locked away inside of you Benji, there’s so much I don’t know about you and sometimes I feel like you don’t want me to know.”

Benji squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead with his fingers.

“You’re not wrong.”

“Why?”

“There’s a lot that I didn’t- still don’t- want you to know. But that’s my own stuff, it has nothing to do with not wanting you to know and more that I don’t want anyone to know. After everything that happened last year, the car crash, getting into AA, dealing with Derek, I felt so ashamed that I pushed everything down inside me and hoped that it could just stay there forever.”

“You could have told me.”

“I didn’t’ want to put anything else on your plate. You’ve been dealing with coming out, your family, your mom. I didn’t want to make your life even more complicated by making you have to help your alcoholic boyfriend.”

“I wouldn’t have cared.”

“But I do.” Benji looked up to meet Victor’s gaze. “I do, and that’s the real problem here. I care. I can’t explain this well, but I feel, so, ashamed of myself because of this. Over the last year I have fought every day to not drink, and I haven’t since the night of the accident. But God Victor do I want to, I want to every day, I think about it so much. The night we were at my parents Lake it was hard to watch all of you drink. Being around alcohol is difficult. And it makes me feel like I can’t control myself and I’m fighting all of the time. I never wanted you to know any of that because I don’t want you to look at me differently.”

“I would never.”

“But you already did.”

“What?”

“Three nights ago, when you came over, you were worried about me because I hadn’t responded to you for a few hours and skipped school. You thought I had been drinking and came to my house.”

“But you had to call your sponsor.”

“Sometimes that just happens, I will probably have to call my sponsor sometime later today and probably tomorrow. It’s a tool I use to try not to drink. I already get so mad at myself for wanting to drink and I try so hard not to. But I also want to be able to just skip school, get upset, or not respond to you for a few hours without you freaking out about me possibly drinking.  It makes me feel even worse because I’m already so mad at myself for wanting to drink and then I feel guilty because I know that everyone else is expecting me to fuck up and drink. I want to be able to make mistakes without alcohol always being the first thing people think.”

“I’m sorry that I made you feel that way.” Victor said, “I don’t totally get it, but I don’t want you to feel guilty.”

Benji shook his head, “I should have told you before, I was just scared. I was thinking about telling you later that night, but then my parents took care of that.”

Victor frowned.

“Speaking of parents, my mom didn’t really have a problem with me being here and she mentioned that you had talked. When was that?”

“Yesterday, she came to see me at Brasstown, told me about how you stood up to her for the first time and called you a mama’s boy again.” Benji chuckled.

“Really?”

“Yeah, she told me that you fought for me more that she’s ever seen you fight for something before.”

“That’s true.”

“So then when I came to the wedding. What was that? With Rahim?”

“It was… something unexpected. After you said you didn’t want to go to the wedding I felt like I couldn’t show up single because Mia’s parents planned a small wedding. I didn’t want to be rude. Rahim was at my house and after Pilar said she didn’t want to go, I asked Rahim if he wanted to. But only as friends Benji, I didn’t intend for anything else to happen.”

“But it did. You said that he kissed you.”

“Yes.”

“And you, liked it?”

“Yes.”

Benji felt his eyes burn again, and he saw Victor’s eyes tearing up as well.

“But not as much as I love kissing you, as much as I love you. I think that with Rahim everything has been so easy. He’s been in my house so much that I got used to him being there to talk to and before I knew it we were at a wedding and he was telling me that he had feelings for me. But I love you Benji, not him. But, I really like talking with him. There are things Rahim gets things that you don’t, there are things that I can talk to him about that I can’t always talk to you about.”

“Like what?”

“The morning after your birthday when we were at Brasstown. When you said, ‘what does being White have to do with it?’ I didn’t know how to respond. Benji, I know that you’ve had a tough time with everything, but you’ll never know what it’s like for me and my family. There are things that I wish you understood that I know you don’t and sometimes it’s difficult.”

“Things that Rahim does?”

“Yes.”

Benji looked away. “I’m sorry. I know I don’t get it, but I want to.”

“When you yelled at my mom and told Adrian you were my boyfriend I couldn’t believe it, I’d never seen anyone, but my grandparents speak to my mom like that. It made me feel like I was in the middle of you two. In my family, we don’t talk to our parents like that unless we want to be grounded for the rest of our lives.”

“I’m sorry Victor, I was so messed up that night after everything at dinner and then when we fought outside. I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m just trying to explain why I did it.”

“I think there are a lot of things we don’t understand about each other. And I think it’s come from us not talking to each other about them.”

“You’re right.”

The two paused for a moment while Benji got a glass of water. When he returned to Victors side, he smiled at him, feeling lighter than he had in months.

“I love you, Benji.”

“I love you too, so much. But I don’t, I don’t want that to stop, and I feel like if we keep going this way, it will.”

Victor put his hand on top of Benji’s,

“It wouldn’t. But you’re right.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.” Victor chuckled.

Benji smiled sadly, “Me neither. Last night, you said that you choose me, that you would always choose me.”

“And I would, over and over again.”

“But there was a choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“You had to make a choice, meaning that there was another option. Another person who you were seriously considering.”

“Yes.” Victor’s eyes were glassy.

“I want to be with you, so much Victor. But not like this, not like I am right now. I’ve been in a relationship for almost the past two years and I think that I don’t remember how to be OK alone. I don’t know how to find happiness alone or even love myself. And I want to be able to love you with all of me, but I don’t know how to do that when I don’t even love me. And I don’t want to be a choice, but I think that I understand why there was one. We haven’t exactly been stable, in more ways than one.”

Benji took a breath before continuing, “when you said you had to make a choice, that you had to think about it, that hurt, and it made me realize that I didn’t trust you. But if I said it was only about trust I’d be lying to myself, it’s not. We’ve been fighting about so much lately, and I know that fighting is normal, and people fight all of the time in healthy relationships, but I don’t know that we can figure out all of our issues while we’re also together.”

Victor smiled and nodded, “When I was talking to Rahim, he asked me what my type was, and I said that it was you. I love you Benji and I want to be with you, but I don’t know anything outside of you. About what I like, who I am as a gay man of color, who I want to be. I didn’t realize it until he asked me. I also, I don’t want you to have to teach me everything, I want you to be my boyfriend, not my instructor. I already had Simon for that.”

The two boys sat together trying to hold back tears. Benji wrapped his arms around Victor and pulled him close, tucking his face into Victors neck. He felt the other boy lean into him, and the fabric of his shirt become wet. After a while, Benji pulled back and kissed Victor, cradling his cheeks in his hands. It was deep and mournful, both of them knew it would be the last kiss they shared for a long time.

Victor took a shaky breath. “Let’s make a promise. In a year from today, if we’re both ready and unhappily single, we’ll meet back up and try again. But I think we need that time to figure out some things on our own.”

Benji smiled while trying to wipe away his tears. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too.”

Victor left after that and Benji called his parents to ask them to come home. He cleaned up the kitchen and found the empty bottle in sink. After staring at it for a minute, Benji took it out of the sink and put it on the kitchen counter, waiting for his parents to get there.

________________________________________

Everything at the lake house looked exactly the same if a little dusty. The house was big but empty, begging for people to come stay. The walls and ceilings felt like they were caving in on Benji, so he grabbed his guitar and went outside.

________________________________________

“I just feel so angry all of the time.” Benji said, looking down at his hands.

“I’m not surprised.” Rachel said softly, looking at him with a small smile. Benji still attended weekly AA meetings but asked his parents if he could start going to individual therapy the day after his conversation with Victor. Rachel was an addictions counselor and reminded him a bit of his first guitar teacher, she was young and had long blonde hair.

Benji’s parents had come home after Victor had left surprised to see their son siting in the kitchen waiting for them with an empty bottle. He told them that he had gotten drunk the night before. His parents had been angry and Benji finally broke down and told them about everything that had happened in the last few years. The things they already knew and the things they didn’t. He told them how difficult it had been to pretend every day that he was alright, that he felt like he was fighting alone, doing his recovery alone, but couldn’t do it alone anymore.

His parents got rid of all of their liquor, something they said they should have done a long time ago and they agreed to stop ordering alcoholic drinks when they went out to dinner together. They decided to start attending family therapy and become a larger part of Benji’s recovery. It was a big adjustment for Benji, getting used to having his parents around and involved, but it was a good one.

It had taken a few months but Benji felt like his parents were trying, they started eating dinner together most nights of the week and set a curfew for Benji, extending it on nights that he worked at Brasstown and had gigs. They made sure that at least one of them was at home every night. Benji asked Sarah to hire another assistant manager at Brasstown so he could cut down on some of his hours and start spending more time with his parents and at treatment.

“What?”

“There’s a lot of research that shows that people who have addictions, eating disorders, other dependencies, have a lot of rage built up inside of them just begging to come out. So, it’s not surprising to me that you say you feel so angry.”

Benji didn’t know how to respond. They sat in silence for a few moments.

“I don’t, I don’t want to be angry but I’m so angry at so many people.”

“Who are you angry with?”

(My mom, my dad, Lauren, Kyle, Conner, Derek, Victor

Me

Me. I’m angry at myself)

“Everyone.” Benji looks off to the side, clenching his fists.

“Do you tell people when your angry? How do you typically work through it?”

(I don’t)

“Drinking. But not anymore. I, I don’t know that I actually do.”

“What happens when you get angry at someone?” Rachel asks gently.

“If it’s my parents, I don’t do anything. They don’t care and I always loose. I learned that a long time ago. Fighting back doesn’t work” Benji thought back to the night at the wedding a week ago. “If it’s someone else, someone I care about, I just ignore it because it’s easier. Until it blows up. And then I- I hurt people.”

He felt his eyes tearing up thinking about Victor, how even after everything he came to Benji’s house and helped get him into bed while being so drunk. How he stayed with him until he knew he was ok and then slept on their living room couch. How he and Benji had talked for an hour about everything and Victor still said that he loved him.

“How do you feel after you let it out?”

“Horrible. I don’t understand why I’m like this.”

“Do you know what happens when someone you age has an addiction?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you know what happens to the brain when you have an addiction? Especially as a teenager?”

No. It was never something Benji talked about with his parents or even focused on in AA.

“To keep it short, the brain does a lot of developing while you’re a teenager, it’ll keep doing a lot of developing until you’re in your mid-twenties. When you start drinking, a lot, it halts a lot of that development. It makes it more difficult to emotionally regulate, meaning that you might feel everything so much more intensely that the rest of us, or you might not be able to cope or get over things as quickly as other people. Using alcohol makes it easier to deal with difficult emotions, but it also makes them so much stronger and in the long run, makes everything seem more heightened. It sounds like there’s a lot of things hiding under the surface with you Benji, things that seem better when you use alcohol to take the pain away. But it’s time to start understanding those feelings instead of trying to push them down. And it sounds like it’s time to start letting people in instead of taking on everything alone”

Benji was quiet for a moment but then looked up at Rachel.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“But Benji, everything will be fine.” She smiled at him and Benji stared to believe that maybe she was right.

________________________________________

The sky was a mix of pinks and blues and the sun was halfway set over Lake Lanier. Benji sat at the campfire that he, Victor, Lake, and Felix had visited on the night before junior year started. Now, a few months into the fall semester of their senior year, things felt better. Benji had taken time to reconnect with some of his friends that he hadn’t seen since before he was with Derek. One of them, Lucy, had been dating Lake for almost a full year and Benji had found close friends in the two. Benji spent more time with his new bandmates and they were able to book gigs at larger venues than Brasstown over the past summer. He was looking forward to the wintertime when they would be able to start playing at school dances, which meant more money for band equipment.

Victor seemed happy, from what he could tell based on the brief conversations they had at Brasstown and in the hallways at school. While they didn’t hang out or make plans together, the two were able to keep up with each other occasionally. Benji pulled back on shifts and Sarah tried not to schedule them together unless it was necessary. The two were happy to act as acquaintances rather then completely avoid one another.

There was never a time where Benji stopped loving Victor, but after a few months Benji was able to get to a point where he felt like he didn’t need Victor to be happy. The individual and family counseling as well as AA meetings had been a lifeline through the first two months, and then slowly Benji started to feel like his head was coming above water. When Victor and Rahim officially started dating in February, Benji was a little sad but didn’t feel the need to immediately find a drink. Instead, he called Lake and Lucy and they went out to a park and ran around until Benji didn’t feel anything but happiness.

Victor and Rahim stayed together until the middle of the summer, eventually realizing that they loved each other as friends instead of as partners. Rahim was now dating a football player named Lincoln Greenfeld, and they seemed really happy together.

Now, as Benji looked out over the lake, he was thinking about the future that was to come. He had applied to a few community colleges as well as some of the close state colleges, just trying to see where he could get in while being close to his family. Something he never thought he’d care about or try to focus on.

He heard someone’s footsteps approaching and turned to see Victor walking towards him, wearing Simon’s jean jacket and smiling brightly.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Benji couldn’t look away.

Victor sat down on the ground a few feet next to him, he wrapped his arms around his knees. “So, how have you been?”

“Really good. Weren’t you supposed to get here tomorrow?” Benji smiled, not at all mad to see the boy a day earlier.

“I figured you’d already be here. And I wanted to make it for your 18^th birthday.”

“Best one yet,” he said softy while plucking the strings, transitioning into a song he hadn’t played in a while.

“Is that ‘Call me Maybe?” Victor moaned, dropping his head into his hands.

“Absolutely.” Benji said with a mocking grin, “It’s your favorite.”

“It is not my favorite.”

“Oh, you’re right, sorry, I remember now. Your favorite is ‘Baby Shark’. I don’t think I know how to play that one.”

Victor pushed him and Benji pretended to fall over to the side, both laughing. When he sat up, Victor was watching him with a smile, Benji could feel his heart beat faster. He had missed the way that Victor’s eyes could make him feel so loved.

Benji transitioned into playing a few songs from his bands recent set list. Victor softly sang along with him and they spent the next hour just enjoying each other’s company as the sun went down and the sky became dark. Then he switched back into ‘Call me Maybe’.

Benji looked down at the guitar and then over to Victor. “I played this song for you the night of the open mic at Brasstown. After we danced to it, I couldn’t get it out of my head. At first I couldn’t figure out why, and then when I saw you there in the crowd and I knew that I liked you. I liked you from the moment I saw you, Victor. I knew that you were special even when I had only spoken to you in the hallway for 1 minute, the way you looked at me made me feel so warm inside; I had to know your name and make sure that you knew mine. When you applied at Brasstown I ignored the rest of the applications just to make sure that we could spend more time together. I might have gone a little overboard with the flirting, but I couldn’t help it. When you kissed me at that motel, I felt something so strong, but I pushed it down, like I did with everything. I tried to pretend that it didn’t mean anything, but it did. Then we got together, and we lived in this perfect summer bubble. But the bubble popped. The last year has been difficult, but I feel better now than I ever have.”

Benji took a breath and steeled himself for what he was about to say.

“I know that we said we’d take a year and then meet each other. Last year at this lake house, I told you that I loved you. I still love you Victor, I never stopped, and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving you. But what I’ve learned over the last year is that I will be ok no matter what, even if you don’t want to be with me. But I want to be with you, again, and I wanted you to know that.”

It was difficult to look at Victor, but Benji managed, he felt anxious but also somehow he felt alright. He knew that now, at this point in life, he had people around him that he could lean on and be safe with. He didn’t have to keep everything inside of him.

Victor reached out at took Benji’s hand, “I love you too, so much Benji. The last year has been hard for me as well. My mom and I have gotten so much closer again and my family finally feels like a single unit, instead of being spread out. My parents got back together and we’re doing things like going to church and just playing board games. I didn’t realize how long it had been since we felt like a family. And I didn’t realize how much that was affecting me either. Being with Rahim really helped me learn more about who I am and what I want.”

Benji nodded while Victor took a pause.

“And I want you, Benji. I always have, and I think I always will too. Maybe we were a right person, wrong time? So yes, I want to get back together, why do you think I came up a day early?” Victor laughed, “I couldn’t wait another day.”

Benji felt his heart burst and he set the guitar down and rushed over to Victor, ran his thumbs gently across his cheeks like he used to do, and kissed him. They pulled apart and leaned against each other, enjoying the moment.

Then Victor stood up and brushed his pants off. He looked down at Benji and held is hand out, smiling expectantly.

Benji looked into his eyes and felt more happy that he had in years, not since his 10^th birthday when he was given his first guitar, or his 15^th birthday when he joined his first band, or even when he and Victor initially got together. This birthday, his 18^th, felt like a new beginning, one that he was excited for.

Benji took his hand.