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Sirius knows it.
Sirius fucking Black knows it.
Lily had been careful ever since last semester when she started to realize the signs of those things . She’d tried to back away, to avoid more contact despite the fact they had exchanged letters through Summer (just normal conversation, talking about what was going on and their families and discussing their friends – it didn’t mean anything), and that they had seen each other (they just happened to be on Diagon Alley on the same day to shopping, which was smarter and safer—and also didn’t mean anything), and Lily had convinced herself that her feelings for him were entirely friendly and would remain so—if only they hadn’t become Heads together.
There was no way her feelings could remain amicable when she was required to stay together with James Potter for hours at a time, alone in the Prefects Room as they worked and planned, their hands brushing against each other sometimes; or when they would run away to share a hot chocolate at the kitchen, enjoying the fact that as Head Boy and Head Girl they could ignore a little more the curfew, and he’d make her laugh and would help her wipe off the chocolate out of the corner of her mouth.
Lily had fancied someone before, and she knew how to identify the signs, as pale as those previous signs seemed when it came to James. Still, she knew what meant the way she would shiver whenever he’d touched her, or how her heart would skip a beat when their eyes met without planning and he would grin deviously at her or how she would sit closer to him than she needed, just to catch a sniff more of that wonderful scent.
She was falling for James Potter and the worst part was that she’d totally missed the timing in which he fancied her back.
Because all those signs she saw in herself were unfortunately absent from him. James had apparently mastered the art of considering her as nothing more than his friend, because when he’d touched the corner of her mouth—and she had blinked to him, she really had, a blink that said we are alone now and you are touching my mouth can you just kiss me? —James had done nothing but smile nicely, friendly, drawing away.
And she absolutely knew he was treating her as just his friend when the very next week he’d asked her if she didn’t mind changing her Friday patrol rounds with Leanne Diggory. Fridays were the day they patrolled together until late in the night. Fridays were the days where they would go to the kitchen and share a drink and talk about life and it was their moment.
‘Sure,' she had said, acting as if she didn’t understand what his request meant for them. ‘Any particular reason?’
James had flushed then, his hand automatically flying to his hair like he did when he was nervous and after a moment he glanced at Leanne across the Prefects Room. Lily had followed the direction of his gaze; Leanne was smiling back at James and Lily understood even more.
‘Well,’ she said then, keeping her voice carefully light even as a crushing weight had taken residence in her chest. ‘It’s a pretty reason.'
She couldn’t fault James for not being interested in her anymore, but she couldn’t also just stop feeling that thing for him, not since there was no way for her to avoid him completely. So she resigned herself to having a platonic crush on James Potter, one that she administered very well until the day of the first Quidditch game of the season.
Lily had been so diligent that none of her friends had noticed her feelings for him—and she knew that because there was no way Mary or Dorcas would keep it silent if they suspected. She had been careful not to gasp when they were on the grounds and James had been dropped at the lake by Sirius, stepping out of the water and taking off his shirt to dry himself (but she had taken that memory to her heart and lost herself in dreams about him); she had not frowned when she saw James leaving his group at the last Hogsmeade trip to go talk with Leanne, flashing that dangerous grin of his to her (but she had punched her pillow in anger lately, wishing James had come to her ).
And then there was the first Quidditch match and Gryffindor had won and in the post-game euphoria, Lily had made the tiny mistake of hugging James and keeping that guilty longing smile on her face when they had broken apart.
That’s when her gaze had met Sirius, and he had widened his eyes in surprise, taking in all that her smile meant—by the time Lily had rearranged her face into a normal expression, Sirius was smirking knowingly, that moron.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
He knows. Lily knows he knows. Sirius knows Lily knows he knows.
It could be worse if it were any of other James’ friends, she reasons dismayingly. Remus would have come to talk to her and urge her to share her feelings with James; Peter would spill the word to James, unable to keep a secret from him.
But it doesn’t look like any of these other scenarios is really worse as she sees Sirius’ eyes shining with a predatory look, like a wolf that knows it got his prey.
She considers running away. But Lily is no coward, there is no place for her to go permanently and she believes in keeping her enemies closer, if Sirius could be considered as one, at any chance. That’s why she keeps her ground, pretending everything is nice and not at all bothered when she sees James is near the fireplace talking with Leanne Diggory.
It won’t fool Sirius, but Lily can keep her dignity at least.
And remaining alone at the drinks table allows for him to get closer to her, which is important for her to check how much damage she did today.
‘Enjoying the party, Evans?’
Lily nearly sighs. Nearly one year of friendship with the Marauders told her they only call her by the last name when they are in full teasing mode.
James calls her a lot by Evans, though, but it sounds nice and she rather likes it.
‘Same as always. Nice party.'
‘Oh, I thought you’d be feeling… too crowded.' Sirius throws a glance towards the fireplace and Lily doesn’t need to follow the direction of his gaze to know what he is talking about. ‘Maybe you wish you were at one of those Head meetings.'
Lily pretends to be amused. ‘Heads can enjoy parties too.'
‘One of the Heads is certainly enjoying the party if the party is happening back at the throat of Leanne Diggory—’
She can control her eyes enough to not look in their direction to confirm how literal Sirius is being right now, but she cannot stop the grimace on her face fast enough; it is a spasm of hurt and anger and jealousy, and it becomes obvious that Sirius saw all these emotions when his grin just increases.
Well, too late to still save her dignity.
‘Good for him. Now, if you excuse me—’
‘Oh, I don’t,’ he replies gladly. ‘Why, you seem a little green to me, Evans.'
‘It’s my eyes, maybe you didn’t notice their colour before.'
‘Well, I never particularly cared, but I remember a young bloke reciting that your eyes were pure emerald bestowing grace upon that poor bloke’s heart.'
‘Jade,’ she corrects before she can think better of it. ‘He compared them to jades.'
Sirius’ grin is criminal now. At least, it’s making her want to murder him.
‘My, Evans, for someone that threw a hex at him you seem to have memorized his words.'
‘He kneeled to recite that poem to me in the middle of the Common Room, what else could I do?’
‘Snogged him?’ Sirius suggests, arching one eyebrow when Lily shakes her head. ‘Just imagine, if you had snogged him back then, he might not be snogging someone else right now.'
It’s a fair assumption, but this time Lily doesn’t have to disguise any particular emotion. She doesn’t regret not going out with James before; they were far too different back then. He matured a lot since those days when he would ask her out when he would be so infatuated with her that it was annoying mostly…
Unfortunately, in the list of things he changed since growing up, his feelings for her were included.
That makes her frown.
‘He is free to do whatever he wants,’ she says, a safe mid-term.
‘Or whoever he wants.’
She closes her fists, wanting to punch something; most likely Sirius’ face, though she will settle for her pillow too.
‘Are you here for any reason or you just want to piss me, Black?’
‘Mentioning that James’ hands are all over Diggory’s bum would piss you?’
‘Ah, fuck off, Sirius,’ she says, not bothering anymore to pretend anything.
He laughs—a loud carefree sound that seems like a dog’s bark to warn that something is happening; in this case, that Lily Evans is making a fool of herself.
‘I will leave you alone—if you just admit it.’
‘Admit what?’
'Are we really playing this game, Evans? Let's not go through the five stages of Lily Evans' acceptance of her undying love for James Potter, shall we?'
Lily blinks, fighting not to splurge over her drink.
'I have no idea what you are talking about, Sirius.'
'Have it your way then. I just thought you should know, I was kidding. James' tongue is carefully kept inside his mouth.'
And he indicates the fireplace. Lily looks at it now and, sure enough, though James is still talking to Leanne, he is fairly apart from her, hands untouching, in a friendly stance.
When she looks back, Sirius is not there anymore, but wherever he is she knows he is smirking, that prat.
He corners her three days later in the library. Lily is surprised and disappointed.
Surprise because Sirius managed to last three days, during which James has acted normally with her, which means that Sirius didn’t mention anything of his suspicions; and disappointment because Sirius didn’t mention anything of his suspicions.
She couldn't help but wonder, during those three days, how James would react if he knew of Sirius' suspicions. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't know; it might make things awkward between them and Lily is okay with being just friends. Really. Most of the time, anyway.
Sirius is grinning. It’s more a smirk, actually, arrogant and beautiful, the smile that made girls in Lily’s year sigh for him ever since Sirius was thirteen. Lily remembers when the talk began about who was the most charming boy in school, and Lily nodded and mumbled something no one really heard when Sirius Black was mentioned. She understood it, and she still does; Sirius has this classic beauty, with his aristocratic face and the fact he doesn’t seem bothered by all the looks he gets.
But the thing is Lily didn’t see it back then and she still doesn’t.
She stayed quiet, though, and not once voiced her list of reasons why James Potter was—well, not charming, he just had charm. It was different.
Except lately she can’t really tell the difference.
It’s the way James’ grin feels inviting, the way his laugh echoes in any room, so warm and loud and happy. It’s how he ruffles his hair sometimes, almost without noticing it, making it messy in a way that Lily can’t help but stare, needing to find some pattern there (there isn’t any, but she keeps trying anyway). It’s how he seems to still grow up each summer, his body filling in all the good places thanks to all the Quidditch work in a way that makes Lily very grateful this sport exists.
So while Sirius’ smirk is undeniably gorgeous, she’d rather have James’ carefree melting grins any day.
Which makes it so easy for her to ignore any embarrassment as Sirius puts a chair next to her, much closer than reasonable and speaks lowly at her ear: ‘Still in denial, Evans?’
She shivers because he is really close, but keeps her eyes fixed on her scroll. She won’t let Sirius mess with the end of her homework.
‘There is nothing to deny, Black.’
‘Evans, Evans. This would go much easier if you just admitted your feelings. See, I know how this will go. We’ll stay here for nearly one hour, with me pestering you, and you saying I’m seeing things where there aren’t and I’ll have to point the fact that you were ogling over James last night, nearly drooling—’
‘I didn’t drool,’ she notes quietly.
She is sure of it. Lily may have been watching James the night before when he was sitting on the couch in the Common Room, all of the Seventh Years close together to finish a particularly difficult DADA essay, and then James had yawned, stretching his arms lazily above his head with his glasses on his hand, his shirt stretching over his chest and showing all the nice muscles Lily was so grateful to Quidditch for.
And again she had slipped for one second, her mind easily conjuring the image of her in his arms, letting her fingers trace the shape of his biceps, then the muscles on his chest, his abdomen. She would place a soft kiss over his heart, feeling the beating (quick beating, in sync with hers), then she would raise her head and James would look back at her, lips curved in her favourite grin, his hazel eyes shining with the need for her and—
One second was enough for Lily’s imagination.
She’d thought no one had noticed it, but maybe Sirius was paying her more attention than she’d like (which is close to zero).
‘So you admit you were staring then?’
She puts the last dot on her homework, finishing the essay two paragraphs earlier than she’d like, but it seems safer. Her temper is rising.
‘I have eyes, Sirius, staring comes with it.’
‘You don’t seem to stare at your other friends.’
‘It’s because they are not as fitter as James. And yes, that includes you.’
Sirius looks properly outraged as she knew he would be.
‘Now I know you are blatantly lying, Evans.’ He smirks unexpectedly. ‘Or you are so deep in this that you are blind.’
‘James is the one that wears glasses,’ she remembers him coldly, packing her things. ‘I don’t really need you annoying me, Sirius, I still have two scrolls for Arithmancy—’
‘No, you can’t be angry! That’s the second stage, we are still not over the first!’
‘Stage of what?’
‘I told you, the five stages of Lily Evans' acceptance of her undying love for James Potter. You are still in the denial phase.’
Lily blinks, pressing her lips in evident annoyance.
‘That does not make any sense, Black.’
‘Of course it does! See, first, you will deny it, so much drama, you are just friends, blah blah blah. Then you will be angry because how can you be in love with that arrogant toerag? Then it is my favourite bargaining stage, where you will keep telling yourself it’s just an attraction, if you snog him just a little it will pass. We will need to go through that boring depressing phase where I’ll provide you firewhiskey or hot tea, whatever suits you, until you finally gloriously accept that, yes, Lily Evans fancies James Potter, messy hair and bespectacled oblivious git and all.’
Lily blinks again, quite impressed. ‘You spent a lot of time on this, didn’t you?’
‘I had some free time on Monday.’
She lets out a laugh, unable to refrain from it, and the laughter is only cut when James drops his things in front of them.
‘What is the joke?’ he asks amusedly, gaze going from Sirius to Lily, eyebrows raised in his expectative of sharing the joke.
Except Lily can’t exactly share the contents of Sirius’ musing. She just shrugs, carefully to avoid his eyes when she doesn’t want to tell him the truth (as if she hasn’t been lying every moment to him about what she really feels for him).
‘Just Sirius being not serious.’
‘The only thing he can be is serious, Evans’ James answers easily. ‘It is the easiest thing for him.’
‘Jokes at the expense of my name. So creative you two.’
‘I can tease your nickname. How is it? Madfoot?’
‘Padfoot .’ Sirius rolls his eyes, but he looks in an extremely good mood.
‘Madfoot sounds better,’ James jokes, then he turns to Lily. ‘You finished the Potions essay?’
‘I was waiting for you, partner.’
James smiles at her, and Lily can return this smile because this is what friends do, right? There is nothing about it, despite the fact that she didn’t have to wait for him to write this essay. Just as she didn’t have to ask Dorcas to exchange partners with her this year for Potions (all the while pretending it was to give Dorcas a good excuse to be near Sirius — Lily is smart).
And yet, despite all the hands brushing during Potions class, all the moments they talk playfully while brewing a potion, all the essays they wrote together, James never once thought this was the hint Lily was aiming for.
He raises to pick up the books they will need for finishing the essay and Lily lets out a sigh before looking at Sirius.
He is smiling too satisfied for her taste.
‘You played me for a fool, Evans,’ he declares approvingly. ‘I came with the pumpkin and you are already taking the pie out of the oven.’
‘Meaning?’
‘You know you fancy him!’
Lily takes her wand, rolling it lazily between her fingers.
‘It seems your five stages are outdated, Black,’ she notes, raising one eyebrow warningly at him, before relaxing her face when James comes with the books and they start their homework.
The hex is almost ready when Lily recognizes the person who has just linked arms with her as she leaves the bathroom.
‘What I don’t get it, Evans,’ Sirius says as if they are continuing a conversation that Lily doesn’t remember them starting in the first place, ‘is why my poor best friend seems oblivious of your feelings for him.’
Lily looks around, but they are alone in the corridor. In any case, she drags him into an empty classroom.
‘Look,’ she begins, tossing her hair out of her face and looking at him seriously, ‘whatever is not going on between me and James, I’d rather you not meddle with it.’
‘How can I meddle with something that doesn’t exist?’
‘By making something far too complicated exist in the first place!’
‘Lily.’
‘Sirius.’
‘Did you tell James how you feel about him?'
'Not tell , but I am blatantly obvious about it and—no, stop giving me that look. I am not going to declare my feelings for him!'
You are unbelievable. What James sees in you—’
‘Saw,’ she corrects him simply, ignoring the pain that always comes with remembering how ill-timed her feelings are.
‘What?’
‘What he saw in me. James doesn’t fancy me anymore.’
Sirius blinks, seemingly confused. ‘He does.’
‘Oh, really?,’ she challenges, crossing her arms. ‘When was the last time he ever said something about me?’
‘He compliments you all the time—’
‘Sirius? You know what I mean. Those stupid catchy love poems. Or that pining sigh when I entered the same room he was. Or you know, him asking me out .’
‘Well, that doesn’t mean—’
‘I kept touching him, okay? Finding stupid reasons to be near him. He touched my mouth . We hugged. I pretended to be asleep on his lap —and you know what he did? He woke me up and told me to go to my room!’
‘What was he supposed to do?’
‘We were alone, I don’t know, maybe enjoy it and kiss my forehead? Or caress my face? But he did nothing except tell me to leave him alone!’
‘I am sure there is an explanation—’
‘Yeah, there is, and he is over me.’
‘No, no.’ Sirius shakes his head, crossing his arms, pouting like a kid. ‘He can’t be over you, not when you finally figured out you don't hate him anymore.'
'I never did, actually.'
‘He still fancies you, I’m sure—maybe he just forgot it!’
‘Or maybe he is busy realizing how much he fancies Leanne Diggory.’
‘Oh, that, I was just messing with you, Evans,’ Sirius says, surprised. ‘Nothing is going on between them, he is just being nice to her.’
‘For now,’ she whispers, all her fight gone. ‘He asked me to exchange my shift so now he partners with her for patrols, and he is always around her, smiling and so nice —’
‘You really are jealous.’
Lily sees no point in denying it. She crosses her arms, sitting at one of the desks. ‘Green-jealous, yeah, you’ve said it.’
‘But I don’t want green Evans, I want red-angered Evans going after her man!’
She rolls her eyes at the silliness of what he is saying.
‘I told you, I’ve tried. He is not interested in me anymore.’
‘And I am telling you he just buried his feelings for you in denial and fear of rejection—’
‘Maybe he needs to go through the five stages,' she deadpans, the corner of her mouth twitching even if she doesn't see the humour there.
'Nah, James needs rehabilitation, his case is far—Hey! I had a great idea!'
Somehow Lily doubts it. Sirius is beaming, his eyes sparkling with something she knows comes with a prank and with trouble.
'We are going to make him remember that he fancies you! Yeah, yeah, I see it. Five stages of getting James Potter to admit he never stopped loving Lily Evans.'
Sirius ignores any remark Lily makes about the fact she is fine with her hopeless feelings for James, which she can't really complain about because her remarks were just half-heartedly. The truth is Lily is feeling rather glad of having someone else to share the fact that James is totally clueless about how she feels about him.
She feels less alone. Like Saturday night, when they are in the Common Room, and Mary and Lily finally manage to channel the Muggle radio into playing Beatles songs. Soon the entire room is dancing to the catchy songs, a night where all troubles seem far away.
They are friends, so nobody bats an eye when Lily finds herself dancing with James, whirling with him around the room, their laughs mingling together in a sound that Lily enjoys more than the song. When the song ends, they are out-of-breath, in the middle of the Common Room, looking at each other as if they are the sole occupants of the room.
And Lily sees the exact moment when the euphoria post-song is replaced by a quiet electricity, a buzz in the air that has nothing to do with the Beatles, when her pulse is racing not by the dance, but for the way James is staring at her with his eyes shining, n wondrous expression on his face as he realizes how close they are and how Lily hasn’t moved away.
Then he breaks their gaze for a tiny second, his eyes falling to her lips (that she moistens with her tongue very carefully, watching him swallow in reaction), and his hands twitch as if he wants to hold on to her even tighter. When their eyes meet, hope fills her chest that this time something will happen.
But all James does is bow before her, so formally and playfully, before he breaks away from her, his hand ruffling his hair as he turns around, engaging in a swift conversation with Remus as if they had never stopped talking.
Lily sighs and when she turns around, her eyes meet Sirius. He seems equally dismayed by James’ lack of reaction, and she almost expects him to present her with a bag of chocolate cookies.
The sad part is that she’d accept it.
‘I found you a date,’ Sirius declares, looking very satisfied with himself as he sits next to her in the Great Hall.
Lily chokes on her pumpkin juice.
‘What?’
‘A date. You know, you and someone going into an event.’
‘I know what a date is,’ she replies, crossed. ‘Why do I need one?’
‘Slug’s next dinner, it’s this Friday, right?’
‘Yeah, but… Why?’
‘What do you mean why? To make James jealous.’
‘Sirius—I won’t snog someone just to annoy him!’
‘Who said anything about snogging? Come on, Evans, just follow me here. Considering how you turn all Welsh Dragon every time James talks to Diggory, I guessed what was lacking was him feeling the same.’
‘That is—’
‘Devilish smart? Proportional? Poetic justice?’
‘Lame,’ she finishes for him, going back to poke her breakfast, dismayed. ‘For me, I mean. Going out with someone just to make him notice me?’
‘Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.’
‘I am not that desperate. You may not believe me, but I’ve been dealing very well with my unrequited feelings.’
‘Well, I haven’t. If only Prongs knew how you feel about him…’ he throws a surreptitious glance at Lily, who shakes her head. She has only one rule she’ll abide by and that is she won’t just tell James she fancies him; Sirius hates that rule, but he follows it anyway. He has some weird loyalty codes sometimes. ‘There. Since you want to take the hardest path, we will have to improvise.’
‘You are insufferable, did you know that?’
‘It’s one of my most known qualities,’ he agrees, unashamed, and Lily shakes her head, defeated. ‘I’ve learned with James.’
‘Well, in him it’s rather charming,’ she replies, making him laugh.
‘I will repeat those words in my toast in your wedding,’ Sirius promises, winking at her.
Lily will murder Sirius slowly. He doesn’t deserve the benefit of a quick death.
She could blame herself for believing in him, but Lily doesn’t believe in blaming the victim, and that’s what she is, no doubt about it. An innocent victim who accepted Sirius’ suggestion of a date with Carmichael Smith, Hufflepuff’s best chaser. Smith met her in Gryffindor Tower, which Lily supposed it was rather nice (his Common Room was so much closer to Slughorn’s office) and also allowed for her to stay a little in the Gryffindor Common Room, looking pretty out of her usual student robes, just in case someone was there to notice it.
But there were no Marauders in the Gryffindor Common Room, and Lily didn’t see any of them when she left at seven to meet Smith, which so far meant that Sirius’ devilish smart plan was looking just pointless.
The more time she spent in the company of Carmichael Smith, however, the more she realized Sirius’ plan wasn’t just pointless, it was horrible . Smith was the least gentle Hufflepuff she ever met—he spent all seven floors talking about himself, his amazing family, his amazing abilities at the Quidditch field, his amazing connections in Slughorn’s dinner.
Amazing is the last word Lily would use to describe her night unless it counts for the amazing hex she is planning next time she sees Sirius.
She lasts one hour—one excruciatingly painful hour—until she evades Smith and, assuming he wouldn’t notice her absence (she’d left him in front of a mirror), Lily picks her cloak and leaves the dinner.
What a great waste of time, she thinks darkly, walking alone in the halls. She pauses at the bottom of the stairs, hesitating just a little until she turns left; hot chocolate in the kitchen looks like the only thing that could save this night.
She takes a few steps, stopping when she hears a noise behind her. Lily turns, hand already holding her wand, but there is no one there. She is probably just hearing things, and in fact, nothing seems amiss as she walks into the kitchen. The house-elves smile at her, always generous, and Lily asks for the creamiest hot chocolate they can make, just as the portrait opens again.
Somehow Lily is not surprised that it’s James that appears, but it doesn’t really matter; her heart makes that twist that always does the first time she sees him every day, warmth spreading through her body until it takes shape in a grin she can’t avoid in his presence. He looks somewhat hesitant, hand fussing his hair in a telltale of nervousness, but when his eyes meet hers, he smiles a little.
‘Hey,’ he greets, coming to stand close, even though there is a place for him to sit next to her.
‘Hi.’
James watches as a house-elf comes bringing Lily her hot chocolate, complete with one bar of chocolate that’s slowly melting. He raises one eyebrow.
‘Oh, the special request? Your night was that complicated, Evans?’
His tone is lightly teasing, but his use of her surname condenses all the annoyance she had been harbouring. It’s not really his fault, except it is a little too—if he hadn’t made her fall in love with him in the first place, she wouldn’t have accepted Sirius’ poetic justice’s plan and wouldn’t be in need of a cup of creamy chocolate.
Except James didn’t make her do anything. Lily is the one who was stupid enough to fall for someone who is clearly uninterested in her. That doesn’t calm her.
‘Night was okay,’ she replies, voice colder than she’d normally use with him. ‘How about your patrol ?’
James blinks, confused. ‘What patrol?’
‘Your date night patrol with Diggory. It’s Friday night, isn’t it?’
He glances at the watch on his wrist, though Lily knows it’s past eight already. He should have already met his prefect partner for their round. Lily wonders what they talk about during it; if he tells Leanne the same stories he shared with Lily, or if their hands brush while walking in the narrowest corridor, or if he pulls her against the wall as Lily dreamed once (nine times), his thigh pressing her, his hand holding her waist and his mouth so hot —
‘Remus covered for me tonight, he asked me…’
‘So you had nothing better to do and decided to snoop on me?’
‘I wasn’t—I was just worried —why are you mad with me?’
‘I am not,’ she lies, not convincingly. James sits next to her, taking the cup from her hands so he can drink a little of the chocolate. ‘I just had the worst date ever.’
‘So it was a date?’ he asks, stealing a glance in her direction.
‘I—no, it was a prank. Si-someone told me I would have a great time with Smith.’
James chuckles lightly, still sipping her chocolate absently. ‘I think you were set up, Lily. Next time you should ask your friends before seeing someone.’
‘Oh, should I?’ she replies, finding it amusing, her annoyance burning away. ‘Do I need to ask your permission?’
‘No,’ he flushes, his hand once again running through his hair. ‘Just a few tips… I mean you should hear what Sirius says about him.’
Lily blinks. ‘What Sirius says?’
‘That Smith is the most annoying pompous git he ever met.’
Flay him . Lily won’t kill Sirius, she will flay him, piece by piece of skin until he begs to be dead. Then she might consider it, but no sooner.
‘Well, sorry about your date,’ James adds when Lily stays quiet longer than reasonable, still plotting Sirius’ slow demise.
‘I’ll survive it. At least it was short .’
'Good, I heard…’ His voice dies, and Lily looks at him curiously.
‘What?’
‘It was just something I heard… Smith is rather gropy , so I thought… if he had tried anything to you—'
'What, you were gonna defend my honour?'
'Not your honour, I just—I didn't wanna anything happening to you.'
James is staring at her, his hazel eyes now pure liquid gold, as melted as the chocolate bar and equally warmer.
'I can defend myself,' she says, her voice low and a little rough. There is something weighing in the air between them and despite the fact the elves are working around them, it's almost as if there is no one else but her and James.
'I know. I would just offer my help.' He puts a lock of her hair behind her ear, and Lily shivers; he sees it, taking in the sight of the goosebumps on her skin and the flush that came to her cheeks. There is a glint in his eyes, a surprise and a doubt, and his hand stays still in the air, almost touching her face.
'I would accept it,' Lily whispers, moving her head so it rests against his open palm. He blinks slowly, assessing her, assessing the situation.
'What would you accept, Evans?'
You. All of you. The words are there, written in her eyes, clear as she stares at him deeply, unmoving, refusing to go away. But she can't say them, because there is still a distance between them that James is refusing to break and she needs him to make a move too.
'Your help,' she says at least, her voice light now and it's enough to break the moment. His hand leaves her face when he stands up. 'I bet you would know some very nice pranks.'
'Always available, Evans,' he assures her, looking so at ease that Lily wonders if she imagined that moment before. She doesn't think so; her heart is still beating at a pace too quick to be comfortable, and her dreams are never that vivid. ‘Oh, sorry.’
‘Why?’
He gives back the cup, now empty. ‘I drank all your hot chocolate.’
‘Oh. It’s fine. Talking to you has the same effect. It’s—’ ( warming and good and addictive and sometimes all I can think of in the middle of the night) ‘—relaxing.’
‘Anytime. Perhaps… perhaps I could change my patrols with Remus permanently.’
She pauses, unsure, standing up too.
‘So you would have Friday nights free again?’
‘No, I thought… we could go back to patrolling Friday night. And…’ he gestures all the kitchen with one hand, while the other hand is buried deep in the hair in the back of his neck. ‘I miss this,’ he admits, voice heavy as if he didn’t want to be saying this.
Lily pauses, watching him, even as James’ eyes seem to be concentrated on the movement of house-elves around them. This , he said. What is this? Visiting the kitchen? Drinking hot chocolate? Time with her?
‘I guess Leanne doesn’t enjoy coming to the kitchen,’ she says, at last, trying to get some reaction, read him.
But all James is sigh without any evident emotion. ‘I wouldn’t know. Never asked.’
‘Good. I mean—I missed this too.’
And now James turns to her, eyes slightly narrowed as if he is the one hoping to understand her words. Us , Lily thinks. This is what I missed, even… even if it’s all I can have .
But James doesn’t read her just as Lily can’t read him back. They return to the Gryffindor Tower in silence.
Sirius has a smirk on his face that he doesn’t drop even when she points her wand to his face, nearly touching his chin.
‘You are the worst ,’ declares Lily, between her teeth, ignoring the looks of the younger students in the Common Room. ‘This is the last time I’m ever going to take your advice, Sirius Ori—’
‘Where were you last night, Lily?’ he asks calmly, watching her with an air of superiority that Lily supposes it’s his charming look, but it does nothing to ease her nerves. ‘Because unless I’m very much mistaken—and I have a map that is never wrong—you and your dear beloved shared a moment alone last night.’
‘Smith? I shared one hour of my life with him that I’m never getting back —’
‘Who said anything about Smith?’ Sirius shakes his head, rolling his eyes. ‘He is a pompous git, super annoying.’
‘You send me on a date with him!’
‘Well, it was a means to an end.’
‘If your end was make me regret ever listening to you—’
‘Evans,’ he interrupts her, still patient. ‘Did you or did you not end up alone with James in the end?’
Lily pauses. ‘I did.’
‘And was I hallucinating when James asked Remus last night if they could change patrols so he could have Friday nights with you ?’
‘I guess not.’
‘So, there you go. Everything went perfect.’
‘You can’t have planned all this!’
‘Of course I can . Except when it comes to why he is so adamant in ignoring his feelings for you, James is quite predictable. I am his best friend, you know.’
‘So you set me up on a terrible date so we could… share one night again?’
Sirius blinks now, looking a little confused. ‘I thought it was important to you . You said him changing shifts meant he didn’t fancy you anymore and—well—one problem solved!’
‘That wasn’t… he didn’t change back because he wanted to be with me, just because…’ Lily stops, trying to gather her thoughts, and then the answer becomes painfully obvious. Worried, James had said. ‘He was feeling sorry for me, he was just acting chivalrous.’
She sits next to him, defeated and tired. Sirius pats her on the shoulder, looking strangely embarrassed.
‘Hey, don’t be so down. You’ll have time together now!’
‘We had time before,’ she remembers. ‘He is just not interested.’
‘Or maybe he is just too afraid of misreading you and ruining your friendship forever?’ Sirius suggests. Lily shrugs, doubting him; she has given more than enough signs for James. ‘He doesn’t know you fancy him, you know,’ he adds, watching her.
Lily blushes. ‘Maybe he doesn’t know for sure, but he should have seen something by now.’
‘Oh, I doubt it. He needs to get another prescription for his glasses for ages now. Are you sure you don’t want to just tell him…?’
‘No.’
‘Ugh.’ Sirius sighs dramatically. ‘The hard path, always. Well, since your beloved is acting all stubborn, we will just have to take his defences down, won’t we?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Evans, Evans. Haven’t you learned to trust me by now?’
‘No,’ she answers without hesitating. ‘Quite the opposite.’
‘You hurt me, Lily. We make an awesome duo and our operation needs a name. Dark Flower, we could be. Or how about Lilypad? ‘Cause I’m Padfoot—’
‘Yeah, I got it. We are not having a name, Sirius.’
‘You are no fun.’
There is a peculiar expression on James’ face all day that Lily doesn’t understand. He should be happy; it’s the last day before the winter break, and she knows he always enjoys going back home to see his parents, especially now that Sirius lives with them, but James doesn’t seem his usual self.
He avoids her during dinner, sitting with the other players of the Quidditch team; during the prefects meeting later, James sits next to Remus instead of his usual place next to her, and Lily can’t help but feel alone. Whatever else she might feel for him, they are a good pair of Heads.
James stays quiet as he helps finish the reports they need to present to Professor McGonagall about the activities of the semester, acting as if he is upset with her, and Lily doesn’t understand what she did wrong. There is only one thing, though, that comes to her mind, only one reason he could be so out of tune with her.
He found out.
Probably Sirius said something, or else James finally put two and two together and understood what her smiles and lingering touches meant and… he was rejecting her . That would explain why he doesn’t want to be near her, why his face looks so troubled; he doesn’t even want to be friends with her anymore. Lily wonders if she should say something, try to explain that this silly crush—as it could even be called that—will pass, that things don’t need to get so heavy between them…
‘Aren’t you gonna be late?’ he asks without turning to her. It’s the first thing James said to her all day.
‘Late for what?’
‘End of the term party.’
‘What?’
Something in her voice makes him finally look at her. His face is screwed as if he is trying to understand if she is messing with him.
‘The party Sirius organized because you asked for.’
‘I asked ?’ Lily repeats, bewildered. ‘I asked him jokingly if you were having a party. I didn’t tell him to have one!’ When James looks confused, Lily shakes her head. ‘It’s the last day of the term, all I wanted was a calm night!’
His eyes widen as he nods. Both of them understand what a party means; first of all, McGonagall is going to eat them alive if anything goes amiss, because as Heads they shouldn’t even allow an unplanned party in the Common Room. And also they will have to stay up late to make sure nothing happens.
‘I think Sirius may have really misunderstood you, Evans,’ James says, a little more like his normal self as if her evident annoyance is easing his mood.
Lily snorts, throwing her things inside her bag without looking at them. ‘Tomorrow I’m going to sleep on him all the way to London,’ she threatens, annoyed. ‘He better be a comfy pillow.’
That comment wipes off the growing smile on James’ lips, but he turns away before Lily can say anything.
He fidgets with his hands, trouble written all over his face as they walk back to the Common Room.
‘Rudolph,’ he says to the portrait, and when it opens, they can hear the sound of the music and people talking. Lily moans loudly, just wishing she could go to bed instead of having to chaperone a party she most did not ask Sirius to arrange, and that sound makes James turn to her, his forehead all wrinkled. ‘What’s going on between you and Sirius?’
Lily blinks. ‘There is nothing—’
‘You two are talking together all the time, secret things that you shut up anytime I—anyone gets close.’
‘We are just friends. It’s… it’s nothing, you can ask him.’
‘I did,’ James says, unashamed. ‘And he said it was a starflower thing, I shouldn’t be worried.’
‘I don’t know what—there is nothing for you to worry about, he is right.’
‘Well, he is arranging a party for you and keeping secrets from me, and… I am already worried, ok? If you fancy him—’
‘WHAT?’
Her outburst silences his voice. James is properly surprised with her scream, but not more than Lily because she couldn’t guess, not in a million years, that James would see her spending time with Sirius as a sign she fancied him.
God, he is seeing all the wrong signs.
‘It’s not Sirius I fancy! You know, he is right, you do need to check your glass' prescription, Potter.’
And with that, she walks inside the Common Room.
Lily wishes she could drink all her sorrows away, but all that Sirius comes to offer her is butterbeer, even though she is sure she saw him handling a bottle of firewhiskey to his friends—at least, Remus looks more cheerful than she sees him normally and Peter is already dancing in the middle of the room, completely ignoring how his steps are out of the rhythm. And James… he is on a couch on the other side, keeping to himself, a thoughtful expression on his face as he holds a glass of something in his hand that doesn’t seem like butterbeer at all.
That is not very like him; James is usually the soul of the party.
In his silence, Sirius seems to be double efforting. He keeps the music loud, encourages people to dance and makes sure all goblets are filled during the four hours of the party.
When it nears midnight, Lily raises, walking towards him and tapping him on the shoulder, refusing to look in James’ direction even though he is sitting right next to Sirius.
‘Time to wrap things, Sirius.’
To her surprise, he doesn’t complain. ‘Your wish is my command, Lily. Just stay here.’
She knows exactly what he is implying by “here” as Sirius casually raises, leaving vacant the place next to James. Sirius is many things, but subtle is not one of them. ‘No, I will—’
‘Sit here,’ he insists. ‘My party, my mess.’
And without waiting for her answer, Sirius leaves. Lily sighs and, after a moment’s hesitation, she sits on the couch, keeping her eyes on the rest of the room; Sirius is really finishing the party, talking to people so they can go to their rooms, vanishing the remains of the party.
‘He would be a good prefect,’ she muses out loud. Next to her, James gives a light chuckle.
‘Tell him that and it will be the worst offence he ever heard.’
Lily laughs, turning to James. He is sitting at ease on the couch now, looking much more relaxed than she saw him all day; considering the bottle of firewhiskey on the table, almost empty, it’s not difficult for her to guess the reason for his peaceful state.
Except when her eyes meet his, Lily reconsiders if she could use “peaceful” to describe James at this moment. His hazel eyes are burning, with no walls around them as he stares at her, alive with more fire than any drink could ever cause. It feels strangely familiar as if she saw this look in a dream she can’t exactly remember.
And it’s hard to resist the appeal his gaze has upon her. Lily feels drawn to him, hopelessly so because she knows she has no real strength against it. This is it. This is how she has been waiting for him to look back at her for months now, all affection and not a single doubt.
‘Evans,’ he calls her, voice smooth, and the use of her surname sounds strangely more intimate than if he called her by her first name. ‘I am sorry to think you fancied Sirius.’
Lily gives a nervous laugh. ‘You should be sorry,’ she agrees. ‘It was the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘You said you fancy someone else.’
Lily shudders. ‘I did. I do.’
‘Oh.’ He pauses, watching her, and he slides closer to her on the couch almost distractedly. ‘Is someone I know?’
She licks her lip, taking her sweet time to decide how to answer him. His eyes follow the movement, the fire sparkling now.
‘You can say it like that,’ Lily answers finally.
‘He is a lucky guy.’
‘A bit obtuse sometimes,’ she replies, smiling, but James shakes his head, strangely austere.
‘No, I mean it,’ he assures her, raising his hand to touch her face, the pace very slow considering how this touch is making her blood boil suddenly. ‘I envy him a lot .’
‘James…’
‘I shouldn’t say these things,’ he adds, almost to himself, and yet unable to stay silent. ‘I keep pretending I am not in love with you, but it’s so hard sometimes.’
Her mouth is suddenly dry; Lily swears the beating of her heart is echoing in the room, undeniable evidence of the joy these words bring her. This is it . This is the confession she had been waiting for, the sign her feelings are not one-sided.
But her eyes fall in the near-empty bottle of firewhiskey next to him and this brings more clarity than Lily would like.
‘How drunk are you, James?’
‘Not enough,’ he promises, approaching her, his face dangerously close now, his hand tracing her mouth now. ‘Sometimes I have to fight so much my desire to just kiss you.’
‘Like now?’, she asks, in a whisper. He lets out a small laugh, his breath inebriating with the scent of the firewhiskey, and Lily knows this is how his mouth would taste at this moment.
‘I am not fighting anything right now,’ James declares, his eyes leaving hers to fix on her lips. ‘I am going to kiss you, Lily.’
And there it is. This is the moment Lily has been waiting for a long time now, has imagined both in the depths of her sleep and during the middle of the day, watching James and wondering how it would feel to be in his arms, kissing him.
She doesn’t need to imagine anything at this moment. He raises from the couch, pulling her up with him, the distance minimal between them and speaking louder of his intentions. Her heart beats so fast that it nearly hurts, and it feels like she is seeing this from above, almost an out-of-body experience, except Lily is feeling everything . The warmth of his hand holding her face up; the pressure of his other hand on her back, stopping her from breaking apart as pointless as it is. She doesn’t think she could move away.
That’s the last thing Lily ever wanted.
And yet … Even with James’ eyes burning brightly with purpose and feeling— I am in love with you —, even with how he is getting so close , his eyes fluttering close, lowering his head in search of her lips as Lily imagined a thousand times him doing, for once not pretending those sparkles between them are non-existent, even then, she breaks away, and James doesn’t fight back.
Of course not. Even drunk he wouldn’t force her into anything.
‘Go to your dorm, James,’ she whispers, biting her lip with enough force to draw blood. Anything to resist doing everything her body screams for her to do. ‘It is late.’
She can’t look at him—her self-restraint can take her up to a point only— so instead she walks away, to the radio that Sirius forgot it on playing a soft song; Lily supposes this was his attempt of setting the mood, though he was never mistaken like now.
When she finally turns, she is alone in the Common Room.
Sirius finds her the next morning while she is returning from the toilet in the Hogwarts Express. Her expression should say it all, but of course Sirius ignores it, stopping in front of her.
Lily is tired after a restless night in which she only stared at the ceiling of her bed, struggling with the ghost of the kiss she didn’t share with James. The fact that he acted normally with her when they met briefly during breakfast didn’t help; it had assured her she had made the right decision avoiding a kiss he wouldn’t remember later, but it had done to placate that empty hollow inside her.
‘So, how was it?’ he asks, oblivious. ‘Prongs is keeping his mouth shut, but you and I are buddies, Lily—’
‘Drop it, Sirius,’ she tells him, unsmiling. ‘Just forget it.’
‘But—I saw you close last night, I got him to admit he is still crazy about you—’
‘He isn’t crazy, he was drunk, that is it.’
‘That was the point,’ he declares, looking at her as if Lily is missing the point here. ‘Drunk James is candour . That’s why he rarely drinks…’
‘Well, I’d rather have a sober James.’
‘But sober James is denying all—’
‘Maybe there is a reason. I don’t care what he said, he isn’t in love with me, he is just… he is not interested. That is it. I’m done pretending there is a chance.’
‘No, no, Lily.’ Sirius gives her a bracing look. ‘He told you he is in love with you? Don’t give up on this.’
‘Too late,’ she says, crossing her arms, just tired . ‘I don’t want it anymore—these stupid feelings, this hope you gave me as if… as if he isn’t over me now.’
‘He isn’t!’
‘Then maybe you are the one who needs glasses, Black,’ she declares, keeping her voice low enough so the people walking by now don't hear them. ‘I’m telling you, this play is over.’
‘Lily…’
‘Don’t. Just leave me alone, Black.’
‘I can’t leave it alone, not when you two—’
‘Sirius,’ she calls him, voice leaving no room for discussion now, ignoring anyone close. ‘Fuck off.’
And with what, she storms away.
The letters come during break, and Lily answers them with mild enthusiasm, giving half-truths that don’t seem to fool anyone, but at least Dorcas and Mary understand she doesn’t want to talk about that discussion with Sirius in the middle of the Hogwarts Express. James just asks if she is okay. Lily tells him that she’ll be and that feels like a half-truth too.
She isn’t really surprised to hear people have been talking about her discussion with Sirius, but only because she is feeling rather numb about everything. It’s how she copes with everything that happened, she guesses, especially with the fact that she meets James in the Prefect Compartment for a quick review of the patrol schedules on the train, and other than looking concerned for her, there is no special acknowledgement in his eyes.
No mention of the fact that he declared his feelings for her and they almost kissed.
Of course he doesn’t. That’s why she stopped him in the first place, because she knew his mind was foggy that night. It doesn’t hurt any less.
So she does the reasonable thing that is avoiding him. The first Friday night, when James suggests rather timidly a trip to the kitchen after a silent patrol, Lily denies it. She knows where she wronged before, even before she accepted all of Sirius’ crazy plans, and it was standing too close to James, allowing herself all those silly moments in which she hoped something would happen.
She needs space. She needs to move on, just like he once did.
James lets her have it, lasting seven long and miserable days before he finally talks to her.
‘Here,’ he declares, showing up next to her in the Prefects Room, and giving her the largest cup Lily has ever seen of hot chocolate. ‘Take it.’
She does mechanically; he placed a Warming Charm on it, which a part of her considers very nice, already conjuring the image of James going to the kitchen and asking the house-elves for the chocolate the way Lily enjoys it: hot enough to burn her tongue, with a bar of chocolate melting inside and a giant layer of foam.
But she suppresses any feeling other than gratitude. He did for her what he would do for any of his friends; there is no hidden meaning behind it.
‘Thanks,’ she says, placing the cup on the table in front of her and going back to review the reports.
He sits next to her, and this sudden proximity gives her memories that Lily wished she hadn't.
'How are things?'
'Same.'
'You know, just because you and Sirius broke up, you and I can still be friends.’
Lily shrugs, not answering. That is one of the theories that would most amuse her; someone mistook her fight with Sirius for a lover's quarrel and she found herself object of gossip with Sirius Black, a first in her life at Hogwarts.
If only it was true, her life would be simpler.
'No comment?' James tries again, and she knows by the lightness in his voice that he is trying . 'Keeping the beans to yourself? Smart.'
She keeps her eyes on the report. Grant confounded the days, she will need to ask him to redo…
'We all have a theory, you know? Remus thinks it was the party. Peter is sure you two are secretly snogging, unlikely as it is. My theory is the best though.' Still no answer. 'Don't you wanna hear it?'
'I need to finish this, Potter.'
'Remus did everything right, Grant will need to write again, it's always the same. Come on, Evans, amuse me for a moment.'
'I really don't—'
'Evans, Evans,' he sings and somehow this breaks into her just enough for Lily to glance in his direction, which is a terrible mistake. James is grinning invitingly, looking at her as if he wants to share with her the best jokes in the world. Her heart skips a beat. 'You know I refuse to stop irritating you until you give me attention.'
'You are not irritating me.'
'Not even a little? Just a tiny bit?'
The corners of her mouth lift without Lily being able to control it.
'Maybe just a little,' she agrees, exchanging the reports for that cup of hot chocolate, sipping it. It's really tasty, creamy as she enjoys it.
He really knows her preferences, ironic as it is.
'So now you are talking to me again…'
'I didn't stop talking to you.'
'Could have fooled me, Evans,' he says teasingly, moving closer. She pretends to be concentrated on her drink. 'I was being honest, you can hate Sirius' gut and still be my friend. You may even vent about him, I promise I won't tell.'
'I may curse him', she warns.
'Lips are sealed,' he promises, mimicking a movement of zipping his mouth which Lily follows. She enjoys the shade of light brown of his lips, and how full and well-drawn they are. They look so soft .
She drops her gaze, adamant in letting it go.
‘So, are you gonna stop avoiding me after all?’
‘I… Yeah, sure.’
‘You are not sounding very convincing, Evans,’ he replies, and now there is something heavy in his voice. ‘Are you mad at me too?’
Lily glances back in his direction. James looks strangely flustered.
‘If I’ve done something to upset you… Remus told me I may have drunk too much during that party before break…’
‘It was not you, it’s—’
‘“It’s not you, it’s me”, really, Evans?’ James sounds teasing now, inviting her to share the absurdity of what she is saying, and in another time Lily would share it without a question. But she is speaking the truth now; it is her that is the problem. James is perfectly okay with just being her friend, but Lily… she is the one that can’t control it.
‘Well, it is. I need some time alone.’
‘You mean without me?’
She almost denies it, but looking at him, Lily doesn’t feel like it. It would not be fair. ‘A little, too.’
‘Because you are mad with Sirius,’ he guesses. Lily nods. ‘Even when you know we aren’t a package.’
Lily doubts it a little—her closeness with James came, on purpose or not, with an acquaintance with Sirius, because for all purposes they are brothers —, but she nods again anyway. She could stay mad with Sirius while keeping her friendship with James if only things were not very complicated.
‘So, my theory. Can I tell you? Then I promise to leave you alone.’
Alone . It is a heavy word. Does she want him to leave her alone? Lily knows the answer, but life hasn’t been giving her the things she wants lately.
‘Okay,’ she says, and it sounds heavy too.
James takes a deep breath, his hand once more running through his hair before he says anything. ‘I think he tried to mess with… us .’
‘Us.’
‘As in you and me, and… something else. You know.’
He flushes, looking away, more flustered than ever. Lily feels a sudden urge to touch his face, make him look in her direction so she could decipher what is on his mind. Something else, he said, and Lily thinks of the way his eyes were glistening as he stared at her, drunk on something much more powerful than firewhiskey.
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Some things he has been saying. Weird questions. He keeps talking about you and, no offence, but you are not Sirius’ type at all.’
‘Sirius has a type?’
James shrugs, clearly not wanting to answer. ‘And he asked me how that party before winter break went. It was morning, my head was exploding, and all he wanted to know was if things had worked out. Took me a while to put things together.’ He glances back in her direction, wondering, when Lily stays quiet. ‘So?’
‘It is a good theory.’
James sighs. ‘He really did it, didn’t he? I am so sorry, Evans, really. I’ll talk to him, he shouldn’t have…’ He closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment. ‘No wonder you don’t want to be near me. I get it, of course, but I promise you I didn’t ask him to do any of this…’
‘I know.’
James looks nothing but relieved. ‘You do?’
‘Yeah. He wasn’t… he wasn’t doing it for you.’ He raises one eyebrow in questioning, and Lily suddenly wishes she could find the darkest corner of the castle and hide it there, away from the curiosity in James’ eyes. But she is a Gryffindor, and she glances at the lion emblazoned on his robes before taking a deep breath. ‘He was doing this for me.’
‘You?’
Lily nods, her heart beating crazily fast in her chest, in a mix of adrenaline and fear and relief. This is it , she thinks; no more secrets.
‘But… why?’
‘James…’ she sighs. His eyes widen at her call, and Lily wonders if he finally can hear the way she sings his name, enveloping it in care and longing every time she calls him for months now. ‘He wanted to make you admit you still fancy me,’ she explains, and at this, he opens his eyes even more, clearly surprised.
‘Why?’
‘Because Sirius probably pitied me. Or wanted to prank me. I’m still not sure. He just saw… he saw how I acted around you and decided to take things into his own hands.’
Last year, during a practice, James got hit by a bludger on the head; Lily met him in the infirmary later, having run there as soon as she heard it (back then, she should have noticed her concern was well above ordinary), and found James sitting in one of the beds with a faraway look, dizzy and unable to properly form a sentence.
That’s the same look he has now, except Lily is sure no bludger hit him.
‘But… why?’
She almost chuckles. ‘You need to change your questions, Potter,’ she says with a playful tone that he doesn’t seem to absorb. Lily sighs. ‘Don’t freak over this, and I promise I am getting over it, I don’t want to mess up our friendship… But I sort of have a crush on you.’
That is a mix of truth and lies (she is trying to get over it, she really doesn’t want to mess up their friendship, and it is a little more than a crush), but Lily doesn’t feel very guilty. James is looking at her as he does when she is mentioning some Muggle contraption that he can’t picture at all.
He opens and closes his mouth five times before he says anything. ‘You don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘You don’t have a crush on me,’ he says as if it is the most obvious thing, as if he is clinging to this belief as a sailor would cling to a piece of wood after a shipwreck. ‘I would have noticed.’
This makes her smile, amused beyond words. ‘No, you wouldn’t,’ declares Lily resolutely. ‘I’ve been giving you hints for months now.’
‘You can’t—’
‘All those times I stayed with you here, in this room, alone after a meeting? Or when I showed up to watch the Quidditch practice? When I asked Dorcas to exchange partners for Potions class so we could work together?’
‘That wasn’t… you were just being nice, I mean… are you really saying, all those moments… were you really flirting with me?’
‘You have finally noticed it?’ she asks, with a smile that’s braver than she feels. Perhaps if they can laugh about it later, they will be able to save the awkwardness of it all. ‘Every time I winked at you or all those moments I stayed so close we almost—’
‘You weren’t staying close,’ he disagrees, eyes flashing with sudden distress. ‘I was the one crossing the limits, and I felt so guilty—I didn’t want to ruin our friendship!’
‘Well, I didn’t want either!’
There is a moment of silence.
‘So what do we do now?’ James asks finally, a warm fire in his eyes.
‘I don’t know. I… I am trying to get over it.’
‘Don’t. I mean—you can keep this… this sort of crush on me. If you want it. I… Sirius was right, I sort of still fancy you.’
‘No,’ she disagrees, a tentative smile on her lips. ‘Last party, you said you are in love with me.’
The fire in his eyes spreads to his cheek and he fidgets with his hands; Lily knows he is fighting his instinct of messing with his hair, so she moves closer, and raises her hand, running it through his hair. His curls are as soft as she wondered before. It’s quite fun making a mess out of his already dishevelled hair, as if she is creating pure chaos there.
When she withdraws her hand, she sees James is staring at her with a look of pure wonder.
‘I think I really am,’ he whispers. ‘In love with you, I mean.’
Lily blinks slowly. ‘Sirius said you get really candour when you drink.’
‘I do. And you can always trust drunk talk.’ His hands are twitching again, but this time it’s in her direction. ‘So I told you that… and then what?’
‘Then you tried to kiss me.’
‘But we didn’t,’ he notes, without a doubt. When Lily looks at him questioningly, a confident smile rises on his lips. ‘I would remember it.’
‘You don’t even remember what we talked about,’ Lily points out, smiling too.
‘Me declaring my feelings for you is nothing compared to how it would be if we kissed.’
Her gaze drops for his lips; that relapse lasts less than a second, but he clearly saw it. His lips curve into an expectant smile, and suddenly Lily knows how this conversation has to end. Her heart—that was almost back to its quiet pace, almost comfortable with the way things had turned to—starts palpitating fast again, pounding inside her in a countdown.
‘It would be dangerous,’ she whispers. ‘If we kissed.’
‘You know me, I court danger,’ he says, but there is still something restraining him. ‘But you didn’t let me kiss you that day.’
‘I told you, you wouldn’t remember it. I couldn’t risk that.’
‘I would remember now,’ he notes quickly, and now Lily knows there is nothing holding him back.
So she blinks. The blink that says then please give us something to remember by . Kiss me , she blinks at him, like she has done quite a few times now, and this time, James understands perfectly.
Sirius knows it.
Lily knows he knows. Sirius knows Lily knows he knows, so he sits unashamedly between James and Lily on the couch in front of the fire in the Common Room, placing his arms around their shoulders and bringing them close in a hug.
‘Come on, say it.’
Lily exchanges one amused look with James.
‘Say what?
‘That I am awesome !’ He places a wet kiss on Lily’s cheek before doing the same with James.
‘Padfoot! What we’ve talked about you licking people’s faces?’
‘You need to talk about it?’ Lily asks. James nods seriously.
‘You wouldn’t guess how much.’
‘Hey, we are in an important discussion here! My awesomeness!’
‘Exactly why are you awesome?’
‘Lily, Lily. Let’s not go through the five stages of Lily Evans’ acceptance of Sirius Black’s awesomeness, shall we?’
‘I will keep in denial for a long time.’
‘You hurt me, Lily. You would think snogging James would make you happier.’
‘Oh, we are snogging now?’
‘ Please .’ Sirius rolls his eyes haughty. ‘Those stupid grins in your faces. The way you can’t stop touching each other. All that amount of hours you spent in the Prefects Room.’
‘We are Heads, Padfoot, we need to be there.’
‘I’ll have to say it, then? Evans, your shirt was buttoned wrongly. James, there is a huge love bite on your neck. Unlike you two, I can see things.’ He stands up suddenly, looking at them with a huge grin as if he is the proud artist and they are his masterpiece.
Lily supposes that Sirius is right in a way. Messy and complicated as things got, he did help her and James. He gets to boast a little.
‘Unless you want to see me kissing my boyfriend, Sirius, you might want to turn around,’ she replies after a while, guessing he boasted enough.
Sirius winks at her.
‘Boyfriend,’ he repeats, pleased. ‘My, you are adorable . No, you are Lames .’
‘Still with the weird duo names?’
‘They are charming .’
Lily laughs, accepting when James pulls her closer and kisses her forehead tenderly, as if the sound of her laugh is a magnet. Lily allows herself a moment to enjoy him—being close to him, nothing holding them back, finally free to show all her feelings, enjoy his company—before grinning at Sirius.
‘Thanks, Padfoot. Your Starflower thing was a success.’
‘Anytime, Evans.’