Archive of Our Own

It was a little pathetic; Puck thought as he sat in the coffee house a block from his house desperately searching the want ads for a new roommate. After all, he was supposed to be the badass here; he was the one who was supposed to cheat not be cheated on…not that he would have ever have cheated on Kate, but the point still stood. He was the sex shark that had finally stopped the hunt and settled down with a nice girl… a nice Jewish girl even! He’d been happy with her too, she’d been nice, just kinky enough to keep the sex interesting without wanting to ball-gag him, and gave him plenty of space. Now of course Puck knew that the ‘space’ she had been giving him had actually been her fucking every guy from here to mars, and now Puck was sitting in the coffee house a block from his house desperately searching the want ads for a new roommate.

Pathetic.

Puck was determined to put a silver lining on the cumulonimbus that was his life; he’d thrown out that bitch Kate quicker than you could say ‘cheating skank’ (which he had said…many, many times), he’d called his mom to tell her that she wouldn’t be getting those precious grandchildren from him anytime soon, and rushed to his favorite coffee place to get the paper he was currently looking through, and had been for the past hour. Puck had bought two different papers in search for the new perfect roomie.

He wouldn’t put up with some fresh-out-of-college frat boy that would party every night and trash the place Puck had taken pride in fixing up and making his for months before you could even really call it a proper home. He didn’t want some weirdo druggie who would undoubtedly try and turn the place into a meth lab. He sure as hell didn’t want to live with a woman and always have that pressure of -roomies or maybe more- hanging over his head every time he wanted to walk from the bathroom to his bedroom in just a towel. However finding someone who didn’t have actual friends they could move in with and wasn’t a complete psycho was proving a difficult problem all on its own- without adding any other qualifications to the list.

There was one maybe on the list- Someone who described themselves as a black man looking for apartment, worked the graveyard shift and listed a phone number. Puck couldn’t tell too much from that little blurb, but the one below it was a male stripper so he willing to take the chance on a least meeting the guy. Puck browsed through the rest of the page not finding anything worth circling with his sharpie, defeated Puck stood up and walked towards the restroom- not really even needing to go but willing to do pretty much anything right now to get away from that horrid newspaper and the future-not-roommates lurking in its depth.

Stopping in the short hallway leading away from the line of people waiting to receive their order, Puck noticed something so familiar to him yet brand new in the light of his current situation- the community notice board. Of course this was the perfect place to find a roommate; he’d know that a least whoever he found had good taste in coffee, lived in the neighborhood already and could meet him someplace that was public but still neutral ground. Looking over the board Puck saw posters for bands’ gigs, community gardens, and finally one person looking for a place to live!

Puck pulled a tab off the announcement and read over the text. Apparently a GWM was looking for a place to stay, could afford $550 a month, was a non-smoker, and kept regular hours. The tab announced the GWM’s phone number and the best time to reach him. Smiling and thanking the coffee house gods for being so gracious and giving, Puck moved past the board and into the bathroom, which he found he really did have to use after so long trolling through the vast amount of random flyers and business cards.

Walking out of the building in a much better mood than when he entered Puck dialed the number to his hopefully future-roommate and began the short walk back to his house. He passed the laundromat and comic bookstore before his call was answered.

“This is Sam Evans,” A voice somehow different than Puck expected, greeted formally.

“Hello, this is Noah Puckerman; I’m calling about your ad for a roommate. I’ve got an apartment that’s close to Chastity’s Coffee where you posted the ad, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in meeting me there sometime to see if you’d want to move in.” Puck announced hoping he sounded normal and came off as someone you’d want to live in.

“That sounds awesome; I’ve got a few questions though.” Sam said shuffling something on the other end of the phone, making Puck think he was interrupting something important- then again finding a place to stay was important he supposed.

“Of course, ask away.”

“Great, first you said you lived near Chastity’s, how near exactly?” Sam asked -the shuffling continued.

“Just two blocks down South Evergreen.” Puck said trying to simultaneously be as descriptive and vague about where his house was.

“That’s cool.” At this note from Sam, Puck could hear the scratch of pen and paper “Do you have any other roommates at the moment?”

“No it’s just me…my girlfriend used to live with me but we broke-up recently.” Puck said crossing the street and heading down towards his house.

“That’s good…crap, I didn’t mean about you and your girlfriend breaking up….I just,” Sam spluttered into the phone nervously.

“No it’s cool, you’re glad it’s just going to be me you’re sharing an apartment with.” Puck laughed into the phone at Sam’s obvious distress.

“Thanks…so how big is the place?”

“It’s actually really big there’s three bedrooms you could take the last one as an office or whatever right now it’s just holding my guitars, no parking though.” Puck answered walking up the stairs to his front door.

“Awesome, okay I’m really busy tomorrow but how about we meet for breakfast? I can be there at 8 if that’s good for you.” Sam said as the shuffling noise made its comeback on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah that’s great for me actually.” Puck said getting out a pen and writing down the time and place on the calendar sitting on his hall table. Setting down his keys and lifting off his jacket, Puck said goodbye to Sam and promised once again to meet him tomorrow morning.

Puck walked into the empty house and fell down onto his couch thinking of how his life would change living with someone he wasn’t related to or in a relationship for the first time in his life. It would be insanely weird to get to know someone and try and become friends with them as he was trying to learn to live with them. Trying to figure out all of his new roommate’s ticks and eccentricities without having that strong foundation of love and caring that he’d had with all of the people he’d previously lived with, Puck wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for the challenge. Ready or not however Puck couldn’t afford to keep his place without some help… not on his musician’s salary. Now he saw why they always encouraged you to live on campus during college; and wished if only for a second that he’d actually done the traditional college thing.

----____----

The next morning saw Puck rising earlier than he’d expected. After another late night call from his mom asking if Kate and him would be getting back together anytime soon and his sister taking the phone from her and promising to keep their mother away from the phone unless there was an actual purpose to call, Puck had fallen asleep easily for the first time since he’d thrown Kate out. At first it was simply the shock of finding his girlfriend sucking-off some Hispanic guy at the ad agency she’d been temping for at the time and the grief of his first truly serious relationship failing that prevented his sleep, then it was the worry about how he was going to afford the rather expensive apartment on his own and what he was going to do with all of his guitars and the other equipment if he was forced to move to a smaller space. Combine those recent traumas with his recent increase in work opportunities and Puck was completely drained…both emotionally and physically. It would be a welcome relief to have someone else to go shopping, when Puck simply couldn’t find the time. 

So Puck was rather excited to make a good impression and get his new housemate moved in and familiar with Puck’s life. Puck shaved, deciding at the last minute to shave his head as well, he had the extra time. Dressing casually as he would be in the library all day and no one besides the books would even know he was dressed in something as soft and un-badass as some khaki pants a soft sweater and a pair of TOMS Botas, Puck pushed on his glasses and decided that he was sufficiently ready to leave the house.

It took Puck only three minutes to walk to the coffee house and realizing he was fifteen minutes early Puck settled down in a corner of the café with his coffee and The Zombie Survival Guide. Puck reached the section on fighting zombies in mountainous areas before a shadow fell over the words, distracting Puck from the techniques and tools for fighting the zombie apocalypse. Looking up Puck saw a young man looking down hesitantly at him. The man- Puck presumed it was Sam- looked nothing like Puck had imagined him. Puck had been expecting someone in business wear, constantly looking at his watch and drinking three espressos before heading off to work after their meeting was over. What Puck got was about as far from that image as humanly possible without changing Sam’s sex. Sam was dressed in dark-purple jeans, a loose fitting stripped shirt and a blindingly bright-white watch.

“Are you Noah Puckerman?” Definitely-Sam asked looking around the rest of the shop as he waited for an answer, nervously.

“Yeah, I am.” Puck said standing and shaking hands with a relieved looking Sam Evans. He gestured for Sam to sit and took a seat himself, sneaking glances of the obviously younger man.

“Thank god, I’ve asked three other guys if they were you and one of them hit on me!” Sam exclaimed quietly yet still drawing looks from other patrons.

“Yeah, we probably should have at least told each other what we’d be wearing…even if it would be a little bit blind date-ish.” Puck agreed picking up his coffee to take a drink, continuing to size up his surprising new acquaintance. “So it said on the flyer that you had a job, what is it?”

“That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about, I’m a blogger and I work from home most of the time…so I’ll get to use that office you were talking about a lot. Sorry if that’s a problem.”  Sam said looking up into Puck’s eyes searchingly.

“No that’s really cool actually. I don’t mind at all, I’m really busy with my job so it would be nice to have someone home that could take care of anything that I can’t be there for…letting in repairmen, signing for packages, you know that kind of thing.” Puck smiled gratefully into his cooling coffee.

“What do you do?” Sam asked politely back.

“I play piano…mostly bars and jazz clubs, that kind of thing.” Puck grinned over the table.

“Wow, that’s got to be a fun job,” Sam grinned back leaning forward over the table in interest.

“Yeah it really is, I used to get into a lot of trouble as a kid, burnt down a few things, had a pregnancy scare with this one girl; typical high school jock. Then, I got into music. First it was all about being a rock star. Playing a guitar in front of millions of people and getting all the girls I could sounded like the best thing I could do with my life. It evolved though; it started to really be about the music and what I could make with just my hands and my heart...” Puck reminisced to himself about all those years finding anything he could to burn, explode, or destroy in any way he could- he’d had a lot of anger back then, still did sometimes. “But anyways, you seem really great and I need someone to move in fairly quickly…so if you’ve got the time I could show you the place right now.”

“That would be awesome, I’ve been living with two of my friends for a while now, but they’ve been dating for years and I constantly feel like I’m in their way. I’m really anxious to be out of there.”

“I’ll bet.” Puck said standing up from the table and grabbing his book and coffee mug to take back to the house. “It’s just about a three minute walk to the building.”

The pair walked in silence for the three minutes- both feeling awkward. When they finally arrived at Puck’s building the tension had reached a paramount and both were glad for the excuse to talk about something, anything.

“So…this is it.” Puck said pressing the seven digit code into the keypad on the front door. “I got keyless entry about a year ago after three trips to my mother’s house for the extra key in a month. Plus it’s easier to reprogram than getting your locks changed.”

Opening the door and once again throwing his keys down and putting his jacket on one of the hooks by the door, Puck invited Sam to do the same. They both walked quietly around the apartment, Puck showing off particular features of the place and explaining what certain things were and Sam asking questions every now and then.

 “So I hope this isn’t weirdly forward or anything but…I love this place, what’s it going to take to get me the room?”

“I’m so relieved you said that.” Puck replied helping Sam off the floor and onto one of the chairs in the spacious living room. “I was really worried about finding a roommate… all the other guys in the paper were psychos. You’ve definitely got the room.”

“Awesome! I could move in Saturday...” Sam said excitedly pulling out a blackberry from his messenger bag and flipping through it.

“I’ve got a day long gig at some gala thing. Let me help you move…you’re doing me a huge favor at least let me help you do this.” Puck insisted getting his own calendar from the hall table and coming back to sit on the end of the couch nearest Sam. “Here, Sunday…does that work for you?”

“Yeah Sunday’s good for me,” Sam laughed writing down the date in his calendar.

 “Yeah, um does 9 sound good?”

“Yeah, 9 sounds great,”

----____----

Nine o’clock on Sunday brought Sam, a box of doughnuts, and two really buff men carrying Sam’s things to Puck’s door. Sam was wearing what appeared to be the rattiest sweats Puck had ever seen, the doughnuts were some kind of an assortment, and the two buff guys kissed…a lot. It was all good though because out of the four of them they unloaded the truck filled with Sam’s things in under two hours and almost had everything moved around to where Sam wanted it before Puck decided that it was time to order a pizza…on second thought, looking at the two men standing in his kitchen he better get three.

----____----

Puck found out later that evening that the guys that had helped Sam move in were the friends that he’d been staying with previously and they had been together for years. Matt and Mike- even their names fit together and apparently were the poster boys for the modern gay relationship. They’d both done football in high school, went to respectable colleges, and had a house in just a few blocks away from Puck. Matt was a kickboxing instructor and Mike was a cop. The more Puck thought about them and heard about them the more he decided that they had the perfect relationship. They both made decent money, did things together and apart and they preferred opposite sides of the bed.

They were great guys and Puck was happy to have finally made some friends outside of the music industry. It was hard to meet new people when you were constantly out at auditions, gigs, or doing whatever odd job that was actually paying the rent that month. It had been like that in high school for him as well, though then it had been jocks that had been his only friends, or more like ‘friends’ in Puck’s opinion, and that was more out of the desire to survive high school unscathed than for a lack of time and opportunity. This was better though Puck decided; and hell if all gay guys were as cool and friendly as Sam’s friends, Puck was more than happy to be their token straight.

 “These are really nice sheets…” Puck remarked more out of need for conversation than any real affection for Sam’s bedding.

“Yeah they are 1000 thread count, organic Egyptian cotton…and worth every penny.” Sam smiled smoothing down the top sheet. “If I’m going to spend a third of my life sleeping and then a not insignificant portion of time doing other things on this bed, I might as well make it as comfortable as I can.”

“I hear what you’re saying man. In college there was this girl that I knew…well everyone ‘knew’ her but she had these silk sheets…blood red too. They were almost better than the sex.” Puck laughed at the memory, surprised and happy to hear Sam join him. Most people got uncomfortable when he talked about the skankier girls he’d been with, or mentioned the number of partners he himself had. “As much as I miss those sheets though, I’m glad I’ve gotten past that phase in my life.”

Much to Puck’s surprise Sam looked up at him sharply. The action was sudden like Sam had been shocked by what Puck had just said, but the look in his eye told Puck he knew exactly what he was talking about. That look made it clear that Sam knew exactly what it was to both enjoy the memories of your past and simultaneously wish that they’d never happened.

“I think I know what you mean.” Sam said quietly looking back down and tucking in the midnight blue blanket now covering his bed. 

“Yeah, I think you do too.” Puck smiled sliding and extra-large pillow already equipped with its case onto the bed and hitting it a few times for good measure. Looking around the room it appeared as though Sam had already lived here forever, everything was neat as it could be but even that made it look rather lived-in somehow. “It looks like you’re all moved in.”

“Yeah, it does doesn’t it?” Sam murmured a little in awe with the transformation that had turned this room from a mostly empty oversized closet into a very modern looking bedroom. “Thank you for your help you’ve been amazing.”

“Thank you for moving in on such short notice and for bringing help….your friends are quite the guys.”

“Yeah, they’re crazy… they’ve been together since anyone can remember. It was rough for them for a while though, they used to live in this tiny little town before they moved here. They were fresh out of college and Mike found a great job as a deputy there, but as soon as the town found out that they weren’t just roommates, things got bad quick. They actually had to move in with Matt’s mom for a few months before Mike got a job here, it was hell on their relationship.” Sam recalled as they both broke down cardboard boxes to recycle. “I can’t be to upset about it though; if they’d never been driven out of town by those ignorant people I’d never have met either of them.”

“I can’t even imagine what that must be like; I’ve lived here all my life. My mom still lives in ten blocks away.” Puck replied unsure what to say about the situation that not only Sam’s friends, but most likely Sam as well, had found themselves in.

 “It doesn’t just happen in rural communities Noah. That shit, it happens every day.” Sam said quietly the familiar air they’d been building up all day was lost suddenly.

“I know; I just wish it didn’t happen at all.”

“One day it won’t. One day everyone will get to walk down the street holding hands with whoever they won’t and if anyone says anything to them that will be what is socially unacceptable. One day everyone will look back on all this shit that’s happening now and see how disgusting it all is.” Sam breathes it out like it’s a mantra, like it’s something he says to himself every day.

“Sam, I don’t mean to assume things, but…are you gay?” Puck asked

“Noah, I don’t mean to assume things, but…are you stupid?” Sam asked back eyes sparkling with laughter. The affronted look on Puck’s face just made Sam laugh out loud “The first thing I said in my ad for a place to stay was that I was gay!”

“What?”

“Here,” Sam said digging through the messenger bag that had been leaning against his closet door and pulling out a copy of the ad he’d been putting up. “GWM, gay white male. What did you think it said?”

“I had no idea; I guess I really didn’t think about it.” Puck said looking down at the paper that sure enough advertised Sam as gay.

“Puck I think me moving in here might just be the best thing to ever happen to you,” Sam said proudly sitting next to Puck on the bed and smiling down at his new roommate. “Hey, I just realized…you’re shorter than me.”

“Shut up, asshole,” Puck grinned punching Sam softly on the arm a getting up from the bed. “Just for that, you have to pay for Chinese tonight.”

“I think I can swing that.”

----____----

“NOAH!!!” Sam yelled from the vicinity of their shared bathroom.

“WHAT?” Puck yelled back, unwilling to get up from the couch to see what Sam was yelling about this time.

“Just come here!” Sam hollered sticking his head out of the bathroom to glare at the back of Puck’s head that was just sticking above the couch cushions.

“I’m coming,” Reluctantly Puck stood from his spot on the couch and wearily walked down the hall to the bathroom. “What’s the matter this time?”

“I can’t find my contact anywhere…can you check if it’s still in my eye?” Sam asked pleadingly, using his best puppy dog eyes. Which was funny because Sam’s one eye was clearly more focused and the other was slightly red from all the poking Sam must have done trying to find the contact on his own before calling Puck in to help.

“Sure, hold still,” Puck said softly taking the few steps forward that separated the pair.

Focusing on Sam’s eye that lacked a contact Puck gently took Sam’s face in his hands, bringing them up ward to take hold of Sam’s cheeks. Smoothing his left thumb over Sam’s right eye, Puck carefully pulled down on the delicate skin to get a better look at the eye. It was then that Puck noticed how incredibly soft Sam’s skin was. Puck’s own musician’s hands were rough and caught at nothing as he looked into Sam’s eye trying to see a circle of blue or green. Seeing nothing Puck pulled further exposing not only the eye itself but also the inside of the cavity it was resting in. The red skin was filled with veins and splotches but no contact.

“Okay,” Puck said voice heavy from feeling that making itself known in his chest. “Can you look down now?”

When Sam obeyed the request Puck released the skin he’d had taut under his fingers and slid his hand up to the eyelid to pull it just as he’d done the soft skin underneath before. Puck was glad that Sam was preoccupied looking up at the ceiling so he could not see the look that Puck was sure was in his own eyes. For whatever reason this experience of being so close to Sam, holding him in such a delicate position made Puck question his decision to ask Sam to move in.

Sam was a great roommate. He put his dishes straight into the dishwasher and turned it on whenever it was full. He never complained about the music that Puck would either be listening to or play at all times of the day and night. He was considerate enough to leave a note on the refrigerator whenever he would be gone for more than an hour or two. He trusted Puck enough to go poking around in his eye without permanently blinding him.

Now, however, having Sam’s soft, warm skin underneath his fingertips offering up this level of trust to Puck, he wasn’t so sure that it had been a good decision to live with him. Puck would remember this moment and how exposed he’d felt every time he saw Sam from now own.  He would remember how difficult it was for him to keep his mind on the task of finding that lost contact and not draw his hands down over Sam’s cheekbones to rest at his jaw and rub his thumbs over those big, full lips of Sam’s. Puck didn’t know if he could handle seeing all these visions currently pouring through his head- thoughts of Sam’s skin and eyes swirling together with images of what Puck could do with such a beautiful canvas- every time he eat lunch with Sam or slipped into the bathroom just as Sam was slipping out.

“Found it,” Puck breathed softly, pulling the lost lens from the inside of Sam’s eyelid where it had turned inside out and stuck. Holding the blue disk on his index finger he let go of the tender skin surrounding Sam’s eye and placed the contact on the other man’s hand turning around and leaving the bathroom as quickly as he could practically running back to the living room and the couch where he was summoned from.

“Noah,” Sam said announcing his presence in the room almost as softly as Puck had left the other. Puck turned around to look at his roommate. Sam was standing in the doorway leaning on the frame a hesitant look on his face, one eye bright red and a small frown on his lips. Sam opened that mouth trying to find the right words for what Puck wasn’t sure. Biting his lip harshly and turning the skin around it white with pressure Sam seemed to reevaluate his tactics after seeing whatever look was on his friend’s face. “Thank you,”

And with such a simple statement, one that was obviously not the one he’d come all the way into the living room to say, Sam went back into the bathroom to get ready for whatever he was doing. A few minutes later and Puck heard the front door open then close behind him leaving him utterly alone in the apartment. Feeling free to even think about what just happened in the bathroom now that Sam was gone Puck finally started dreading what Sam must have thought about his behavior. He’d held Sam so close and tenderly the blonde must have noticed the way Puck was feeling. Even with his eyes directed to other places in the room as Puck searched for the lens Sam must have been able to feel the way Puck breathed more carefully just being near, how his rough guitar-calloused fingertips did their best to avoid catching on Sam’s delicate skin, and the way his eyes drifted over every part of Sam’s face. Sam must have felt how Puck had felt towards him for those few moments and felt so awkward.

Puck couldn’t stand sitting here just thinking about Sam and not only how attracted Puck had found himself to him but how stupid Sam must think him for feeling that way. Getting up and putting on his jacket Puck left the apartment as well, noticing that, for the first time, Sam had not told him where he was going. Walking down the streets of his neighborhood Puck found himself drawn towards Chastity’s, looking for a minute at the menu drawn in chalk to the brick on the outside of the building movement inside the coffee house caught Puck’s attention.

At the table Puck had chosen to meet Sam just a few months ago, before they’d become roommates and before Puck had realized just how awkward and out of place another human being could make you feel, sat a guy that looked nothing like either Puck nor Sam. He was small, lithe and had his nose stuck in his iPhone instead of a book. He was clearly waiting for someone, just as Puck had been. Suddenly another man came up to the table with two drinks and a huge salad in his hands, masterly balanced from plenty of experience. If the man sitting at the table looked nothing like either Puck or his roommate this man did not doubly so. He was tall and broad, looking like he could take someone out with a good puff from his lungs. Setting the lunch down on the table the man surprised Puck by sitting next to the smaller man instead of across the table from him. Scooting his chair as close as he could to his lunch-date the larger of the two crossed his arm behind the other’s back pulling him into his chest and pressing a kiss to his temple before taking the phone from his, supposed, boyfriends hands and putting it down on the table far away enough from the other so he could not reach it. The two just smiled at each other and began eating their lunch, sharing the salad between the two of them and talking in between bites of lettuce and croutons and drinks of coffee.

Puck’s chest ached at the site of two people so happy and in love at the table that Puck had just so recently been able to gain back his independence from Kate gain back a life of his own that he could enjoy. He’d found that freedom with another person though. He’d just been substituting the companionship he’d gotten from Kate with the friendship and trust he had with Sam. In some odd way, Sam was his rebound from his ex. He hadn’t gone out and slept with some random chicks to get over the ache he’d had sitting deep within him from his first serious relationship going to shit. No, he’d formed another emotional attachment that was not only ridiculously strong for the length of time in which it’d had to build but also with his gay roommate and the only one of his friends who didn’t know his ex. Puck didn’t even want to begin to analyze how fucked up that was.

Glancing back at the couple happy in their own bubble of bliss in the coffee house, Puck knew he’d been putting Sam in a place in Puck’s life where he not only didn’t belong, but in a place that wasn’t Puck’s right to put him. He needed to step back, reevaluate everything that had happened after Kate had cheated then left. Find out why he was trying to substitute Sam for her.

“Fuck, I need a therapist,”

----____----

Puck did end up getting a therapist. They’d yet to get to what was truly worrying Puck, his sudden and intense attachment to his roommate, instead staying of Puck’s feelings a betrayal and defeat at having his first real relationship end the way that it did. Puck had yet to even think about the numerous reasons he might need therapy after everything that had happened to him, all those things his dad had done. It had been really helpful and Puck was enjoying the insight that Dr. Relin had helped him achieve, but Puck had yet to bring up Sam. He was nervous that talking about Sam and Puck’s feelings for him would start making him think about what had happened in the bathroom and how he’d been treating Sam since then.

When Puck had gotten back from his walk Sam wasn’t home yet. Puck had settled into the office to play the bass that lived primarily in the closet there. He’d played until his fingers burned from overuse after such a long time of disuse. Sam had obviously returned sometime while he’d been playing as when Puck emerged into the kitchen to sort out something to eat Sam was there layering a lasagna. Sam it seemed had completely forgotten about how awkward and tentative things had been when he’d left as he begun assuring Puck that the lasagna was for both of them and how lucky Puck was that Sam had felt like cooking otherwise they’d be getting takeout again. Puck had feigned not feeling well and laid out on the couch avoiding Sam while still having almost every thought revolve around him.

Puck had acted the same way towards Sam for almost a month now. Avoiding him with excuses of work and friends, he’d even gone so far as to actually go to temple with his mother every week just to get out of the apartment as often as possible. When he was home he was distant. He knew it wasn’t fair to be this way, especially so soon after he’d given that speech to Sam about being distant himself. He had to. There was no way not to obsess over whatever was going on in his head right now, but not laughing with Sam every day and touching Sam everyday made it just that little bit easier to tell himself that it wasn’t happening. That he just needed to keep going to Dr. Relin and work out whatever issues he had with Kate and what had happened, he wasn’t really attracted to Sam he was just lonely and needy. There was no way in the world that he was in love with his roommate.

His sixth appointment with Dr. Relin however seemed to point in another direction.

“So, Noah, have you been seeing anyone lately?” The doctor asked after she’d gone over how that week had gone for him and what he’d been struggling with.

“No,” He answered suddenly, to suddenly by the look on the doctor’s face.

“Do you want to tell me about that Noah?” She asked clearly not as interested in why he hadn’t dated since Kate as he was in why he had such an aversion to the question.

“I…I’ve had feelings, really strong feelings, for someone. I’m afraid of what they mean and I don’t really like to even think about it.”

“Have you told anyone else about these feelings?”

“No, I don’t like to talk about it or even to him…” Noah began before he realized that he’d said he, quickly cutting himself short he looked at the therapist trying to gauge her reaction.

“Him? Are you familiar with your feelings for men or is this a new revelation?”

“It’s new, really new. I actually called for an appointment the day I figured it out. Not that I thought, ‘oh, I’m gay, I must need to see a therapist’ it was just so sudden and when I think about it I knew what I was doing. I was rebounding emotionally with someone who’s actually close to me instead of physically with someone I would never even see again. I can’t continue feeling the way I do, because it’s not real. I just want someone to be close to like I used to think I was with Kate and once I get that feeling again I’ll realize that it’s not what I really want. I got rid of Kate because she wasn’t good for me and she was just using me. How can I go from that straight into a relationship with my gay roommate? It would be just the worst thing I could possibly do to him. I like this guy, he’s been really great to me and I couldn’t do something that I’d regret doing later.”

“How do you know these feelings aren’t real?” She asked in a voice that was clear of all agenda or accusation.

“Because if they are real, and I am actually in love with my roommate, my entire life will change. I won’t get to just be Noah that plays piano and goes with his mom to temple occasionally, I’ll be gay Noah and that’s all. And fuck this all sounds really petty and if Sam knew about this he’d beat me over the head for trying to ‘deny and integral part of myself just so I can keep my life the way it was’ which he’d be completely right in say. My life sucked before I meet him. I just barely escaped a life as a career criminal when I was younger, I barely make any money and ‘the dream’ of making music was slowly slipping down the drain, my mom wouldn’t stop talking about settling down with a nice Jewish girl and having babies, I only had once serious relationship and she cheated on me. Now I’ve got a fantastic roommate that’s beyond encouraging of my music, my mom is finally happy with just seeing me every week for temple and I’m starting to make friends that don’t look at me like I’m a fucking loser for what happened with Kate. I know that if it ever did work out and I was with Sam it would be tough but amazing. I know my life would go back to sucking without him, and that’s why my feelings can’t be real, because if they are I lose everything. I’d have to tell him, he’d feel awkward and move out. I’d go crying to my mother who would stop seeing me because her only son was gay, all my new friends would start to look at me just the same way that my old ones do and I’d have nothing.”

“Noah.” Dr. Relin said a very serious expression on her face like she was about to give him the answer to life. “You feel what you feel. You’ll never be able to change that or fix it. There is nothing to fix. If you are in love with your roommate you are in love with your roommate, you really don’t have any control over that. I know that scares you especially after what happened with Kate, not having any control, but you don’t, not over this. That being said you do have a choice. It is entirely within your rights to keep it to yourself. If you feel that telling Sam about these feelings would not be worth the risk of everything going wrong, it’s more than okay to keep it quiet. You have control over how you chose to handle what life gives you, everything else, what you feel, how other’s feel about you, how the world works it’s out of our control. I think that’s what we should start working on next week okay?  Being okay with things being out of your control.”

Puck went home thinking about what she’d said. He liked her because she was unconventional. All the therapists he’d gone through during his troubled faze had always just sat back and let him make his own conclusions to what he was saying. Puck liked a little more guidance than that. He was right though, after going through most of his life feeling like he couldn’t control anything that was happening to him, he’d learned that he could ignore the way he felt about them. It didn’t matter that his dad left when he was seven because he didn’t even like the bastard in the first place. It didn’t matter that all anyone wanted out of him was sex because he didn’t care about them either. Nothing mattered. That attitude had almost landed him in prison though.

Puck was still thinking about everything Dr. Relin had said as he walked through the door into his apartment. Setting down his keys and coat Puck heard a strange shuffling sound coming from the office. Following the sound Puck walked as quietly as he could to the office door peering through the crack between it and the wall. Sam was sitting in his office chair Skyping with some girl and crying rivers down his face. Knowing he shouldn’t be listening to whatever was about to be said Puck listened anyways telling himself that whatever had Sam so upset Puck should know about.

“I would just like to know what it is about me that is obviously so repellant to every gay man within a fifty mile radius of me” Sam said arms wrapped around his legs, hands not even bothering to wipe the tears streaming down his face.

“There is nothing repellant about you Sam. You are an intelligent, beautiful, nice person and if this guy wants to be a jackass and cancel on you for the fifth time then there is obviously something wrong with him, sweetheart.” The girl on the screen assured looking like she would like to reach through the screen and hug Sam.

“I don’t know Quinn, you should have seen his ass. How can anyone that beautifully sculpted be such a jackass?”

“And now we’ve come to the root of the problem. You need to start looking for guys you can connect with not just ones that you want their dick. The guy who is going to make you happy might not even be that attractive to you at first. Just look at me and Daniel, we were friends for how long before we got together?” Quinn asked  

“Years, it took you guys forever to realize that you were in love.” Sam laughed his voice rough from crying.

“Exactly, now I’m not saying that you can’t meet someone and know instantly that you could have something special with them but sometimes it takes a while and it’s the last person you’d expect. So keep putting yourself out there and dating but try and form some emotional connections okay? You need people who can be there for you and love you no matter what more than you need someone to stick it in you.” Quinn said laughing herself and the stricken look on Sam’s face at her expression.

“You’re the best you know that Quinn? You should do this for a living you’d be the best therapist in the world.” Sam said putting his feet back on the floor and releasing himself into a more relaxed position.

“Oh, trust me I know. If I didn’t love the puppies as much as I do I’d be charging you for my services!”

The two friends quickly said goodbye to one another and logged off. Sam got up from the chair and stretched himself up walking over to the mirror that Puck had put in there long ago so he could have a place to get ready while Kate was hogging the bathroom.

“Oh good, look at me!” Sam exclaimed and walked quickly towards the door. Puck backed up from the door and took a few steps back down the hall before walking forward again and running directly into Sam. Holding them both up before they fell down Puck can feel the muscles in Sam’s arms tense in anticipation of what Puck isn’t sure. Putting his feet back on solid ground Puck releases his roommate to steady himself and looks at him for the first time despite listening to his conversation for the past five minutes.

“What happened?” Puck asked trying to sound as genuinely surprised as possible, “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine just some stupid guy,” Sam says obviously embarrassed by how much he’s been crying. “I’m being stupid crying about it.”

“You’re not being stupid. You want to tell me what happened?” Puck asks inclining his head towards the living room.

Sam looks up genuinely shocked by Puck’s offer to lend his shoulder for more crying on. It’s only then that Puck makes eye contact with him; it’s actually the first time they’ve made eye contact since that day in the bathroom that left them both so awkward around each other that they’d been living with one another and not really looking at each other. Sam smiles up at Puck broadly “that would be really great, thanks.”

Sam leads them both to sit on the couch and Puck sits closer than he should be with his plan on keeping his distance from Sam both emotionally and physically. Sam looks like all the joy and confidence that he acquired when looking into Puck’s eyes has suddenly left him. He starts shuffling his sock clad feet on the carpet, obviously nervous about talking about his love life with the roommate that’s been avoiding him for over a month now. Puck puts his hand on Sam’s arm and despite his understanding of the physics of static electricity, he still can’t help himself but think that the electricity running through his body the moment his skin meets Sam isn’t just friction, its chemistry.

 “What’s going on?” Puck asks gently attempting to get Sam to say something.

“My date canceled on me. I know I shouldn’t be that upset about one date, but this just seems to be happening to me over and over again. Every time I meet a guy I really think I’m going to like and that could actually be with me for more than a grope in someone’s backyard while everyone else is inside doing coke lines off a hooker, he ditches me before I can even freak out about me geeking out during the date. And while I know that all my friends are right and I’m shallow and have horrible decision making skills it still hurts that I put so much effort into trying to get just one guy to stick with me for more than a minute and I can’t even get that. Everyone always tells me how good looking I am and are amazed at how smart and yet all I can think is ‘why the fuck am I alone then?’ It sucks that the longest relationship I’ve had with a guy who wasn’t my father is probably…you. How pathetic is that?” Sam asked laughing out of desperation to not start crying again.

“That is not pathetic. You want to know what’s pathetic? Before Kate basically forced me into getting serious with her I’d never had a relationship. Real or fake, short or long. I’ve never asked anyone out, I’ve never initiated a kiss or a fuck, I’ve never even tried to be with someone. Why bother when everyone just leaves anyways right?” Puck said laughing a little bit himself. “And it fucking hurts too. Knowing I’ve never trusted anyone enough to lose control to let up on my perfect plan of never letting one in, never letting people hurt me. It hurts more than if I’d let someone break my heart, but I’m too fucking scared to just let myself be with someone. You are so lucky to be that brave. You let me in the first day you moved in, let me see who you were. I’ve never done that and it’s something you should be so proud of Sam because you may get your heart broken more than you’d like but at least you can still feel yours.”

“God were both fucked up aren’t we?” Sam laughs pushing himself back into the couch cushions.

“Yeah we are. But you just got ditched so I should be the one taking care of you right now. What do you say you pull out that comforter of yours, I go put a pizza in the oven and we watch Shelter?” Puck asked lifting himself up from the couch.

“You’ve got that gig tonight though at the Special, you can’t stay home with me and watch gay films.” Sam argued thinking to himself that  Noah had already done more than he had to.

“I’ll take care of it Britt and San can take of it for me,” Puck assured walking away from the couch assuring Sam that he was staying at home tonight “and Shelter isn’t just a gay film, we’re obviously going to have to watch again with the commentary if you haven’t learned your lesson yet.”

Sam got off the couch as well and went into his bedroom to get his blanket as requested. Looking at the mirror he’d put above his dresser Sam realized how much better he looked after only a short time talking with Noah. He’d looked like such a mess when he’d contacted Quinn to talk and he’d looked even worse after their conversation but now he could see the smile in his own eyes and Sam was almost sadder realizing how affected he was by Noah’s presence. The man had been ignoring Sam for a while now. Ever since that day Sam had lost his contact actually. Sam knew he had probably freaked his roommate out, hell he’d been freaked out by how close they’d gotten and by how effected he’d been by Noah’s soft attention to his skin. Sam had figured that things would be weird for a while before they both got back to the equilibrium they’d had before.

They hadn’t gotten back to their familiar routine though. Noah was never home; he’d be in for a few minutes a day to pick up a guitar or change his clothes and only came home to sleep in the early hours of the morning. Sam had known then that their interaction in the bathroom had affected Noah more deeply than he expected. Sam thought he’d had his little gay freak-out then things would get back to normal, obviously he was wrong. Until tonight and the return of Noah’s tender and caring attitude, Sam was sure that Noah would be telling him that he needed to move out any day now. Sam had even looked at a few places online before closing his computer and telling himself it was premature to be looking for a place yet. Noah just needed more time right?

It seemed he had. Maybe that therapist that Noah had been ‘secretly’ been seeing had helped him work through whatever issue that had been caused by that day in the bathroom. Perhaps it wasn’t even what Sam had assumed that had Noah acting weird lately. It was kind of egotistical, now that Sam thought about it, to have assumed that Noah’s issues stemmed from whatever had happened that day. Noah could be dealing with something really big right now and Sam had just been avoiding him as well assuming that it was Sam that Noah had an issue with. Deciding to use the opportunity of Noah taking care of Sam to reconnect with his roommate and find out for certain what had been bothering Noah so.

Sam lifted his blanket from his bed and headed back into the living room where Puck was already sitting waiting for Sam to start the movie. Sam pressed play on the dvd player and sat next to Puck on the couch spreading the blanket over both of them before settling down into the couch to watch the film.

“What pizza did you put in?” Sam asked quietly as music poured from the TV.

“Garlic chicken,” Puck replied not lifting his eyes from the skateboarder on screen.

“Now you’re just spoiling me. Shelter, garlic chicken pizza, and my favorite rommie? It’s too much,” Sam smiled at the side of Puck’s face gently lit blue by the sky onscreen.

“You deserve it,” Puck said finally tearing his eyes away from the movie, “I know it’s been hard for you recently, especially since I haven’t been around all that much,” Now that Puck had broken the ice about his recent self-imposed exile from his own apartment he knew that Sam would question him, would want to know just why Puck hadn’t been around.

“Why haven’t you been around?” Sam asked quietly now taking his own turn to use the TV as a shield between himself and Puck. “I know you’ve been seeing a …someone recently, did something happen?”

Puck could not believe how loaded such a simple question could be. Did something happen? So many things had happened to Puck recently. So many revelations and surprises. There weren’t enough words in the world to accurately describe what had happened to keep Puck away from Sam. The big one though, the one he was sure he would never admit to anyone ever, he’d fallen in love with his roommate. He knew the doc was right about that, however much he protested it during their session. He was in love with Sam and there was nothing he could do about it; except tell him and Puck was sure he’d never be ready to change his life like that.

“I’ve just been having a hard time with a few things,” Puck said trying to keep his answer as neutral and answer-free as possible.

“I know it’s no of my business and I know that you’ve been seeing someone and probably don’t need my help, but I just want you to know that you can always come to me. What you’re doing for me right now, listening to all the shit that’s going on in my life and all my rambling, it means a lot to me and I want you to know I’ll always be here if you need it too. I want you to be able to come to me whenever you need.” Sam said sliding his hand to Puck’s thigh for just a brief second, Puck wasn’t even sure Sam had meant to do it in the first place.

“I want to Sam I really do, but I can’t.” Puck found himself saying before he even knew words were leaving his mouth.

“Why can’t you?” Sam asked genuinely curious, “You do know I’d never judge you for anything you might say right?”

“I don’t know about that man. This…this is big I don’t know how it even happened in the first place. I was doing fine everything was just fine and then all of a sudden there’s this thing living inside my chest. It’s not where they tell you it will be either, they always say your heart is supposed to hurt, but it’s not that it’s right here,” Puck says jabbing two fingers in his sternum. “And it doesn’t even hurt so much as it aches. It aches all the time and nothing I do, nowhere I go, nothing I try and distract myself with helps at all. Every time I see you, it gets so much worse. I don’t know how to deal with it and just being around you, knowing that you’re sleeping not even a few feet away makes me feel like there is an alien about to pop out of my chest any moment now and kill me. I’d almost welcome it too.”

There is silence from both men sitting on the couch for quite a while. Only the sound of surfing and waves exist to interrupt the quiet between the two.

“I’m the monster in your chest?” Sam said his voice almost hysterical, “I make your hurt so much you want to die?”

Sam knows he’s screaming now and that it is a total overreaction but he can’t help the panic that spreads through his entire body at hearing that. He’s never given Noah any reason to hate him this much, to feel this strongly either way about him. Sam knew he said that Puck could say anything to him and he would not judge him but Sam figured that Puck could figure out on his own that did not include telling someone they made you want to commit suicide.

“You’re making it sound like I hate you!” Puck yelled back clearly not happy at being misunderstood about a secret he wasn’t even aware he was telling. “I don’t hate you. There are so many things I feel about you but hate is not one of them.”

“Are you saying you like me?” Sam asked the whisper of his voice almost more shocking to Puck than the yelling had been.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Oh,”

Silence reigned again, both men turning their eyes towards the television where lying on a lounge chair two men fought drunkly then after a moment of silence on their part as well began to kiss. Both Puck and Sam had watched this movie much more than once, they could both tell you exactly what was going to happen in it, and yet the drunken kiss of the actors on screen caught them both off guard. It was ridiculous how pertinent a movie could be to their particular situation. Shutting off the movie with a click of the remote Sam flipped his blanket off himself and Puck, extending his hand to his friend as he stood. Puck cautiously took the hand and followed it out of the living, down the hall, and into Puck’s own bedroom.

Sam deposited Puck onto the bed and turned towards the small set of speakers that housed Puck’s iPod. Clicking it on and turning up the volume as loud as it would go Sam laughed quietly to himself as the speakers pounded out Vampire Weekend into the small bedroom. Turning around again Sam tore off the two shirts he’d been wearing all day and throwing them towards Puck’s hamper near the closet. Watching Puck watch him with an expression that was close enough to awe to count Sam flung himself down next to the man already waiting in the bed Sam had promised himself he would never even dream of being in.

“I like you too,” Sam said feeling remarkably unlike a thirteen year-old girl as he did.

“That’s good,” Puck answered reaching for Sam and pulling him close as he could get him.

“I want to have sex with you,” Sam said reaching for Puck’s shirt and pulling it off.-

“I want to have sex with you too. Tomorrow though, right now I just want to kiss you and go to sleep.”

“Tomorrow?” Sam almost wined in protest.

“Morning, I promise.” Puck said tucking his head down and placing his lips softly on top of Sam’s.

Sam picked up the thread and began kissing Puck back forgetting all about his protest of Puck’s refusal of sex right there right then. Opening Puck’s lips with his own Sam began to tease pulling away and nipping gently at the side of Puck’s mouth or his chin, but always returning to the lips feeling how smooth they felt and how warm Puck’s entire mouth was around his tongue. Puck was content to let Sam kiss him, not pressing for more or initiating anything more than a gentle bite of his own to Sam’s earlobe. Loving the feeling of Sam’s body pressed next to his, their bare chests barely grazing, Sam’s nipple catching on Puck’s nipple ring everyone once in a while, Puck ended the kiss instead placing his entire body over Sam’s hugging him, feeling every single part of Sam.

“My therapist thinks I’m in love with you,” Puck says softly into Sam’s ear as they roll over so Sam may lie on top of Puck and stay there for the night.

“Really?” Sam mutters sleepily, proving Puck’s idea of morning versus night sex was a good one.

“Yeah,” Puck says opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling of his bedroom, thinking about how fucked up he’d just made his life.

Tugging Sam tighter to his side Puck prayed to whatever god his mother always claimed was out there that he was in love with Sam, nothing less could make this worth it.

----____----

Waking up the next morning Puck opened his eyes to a world full of blonde. Somehow during the night Sam had wormed his way up from Puck’s chest, resting his face over Puck’s so their bodies were perfectly aligned and Puck was blinded by the curtain of hair Sam had spread over his eyes. Smiling and breathing in the scent of Sam’s shampoo Puck gently swiped the locks away from both of their faces and behind Sam’s ear.

“Sam,” Puck whispered his mouth already in place next to Sam’s ear. “Sam, wake up. We’ve got to have that sex I promised you.”

Suddenly Sam’s eyes flew open and after a few moments of clear confusion and hesitation a gentle smiled made its way onto Sam’s lips. Giving a grin of his own Puck moved his mouth along Sam’s jaw from ear to mouth giving a greeting of ‘good morning’ after each kiss. Pulling back from Sam’s lips Puck looked at the full Sam in all his messed up-hair, sweat pant-clad, sleepy-eyed glory. Puck was sure his heart had stopped beating for a second there and would have laughed at himself for being so corny if Sam hadn’t looked so beautiful in that moment.

“You’re amazing,” Puck whispered diving back into the soft skin and warm scent that surrounded Sam.

“How about you tell me that again, but this time with your dick in me?” Sam asked quietly speaking for the first time that morning.

“I think I can handle that,” Puck laughed flipping Sam over onto his back and slipping his pants down his hips, throwing them to the floor. “The question is will you be able to return the favor?”

Sam laughed into Puck’s mouth as he tries to keep his promise to praise Sam to the heavens while giving him the best sex of his life.

----____----

Two days after Puck had confessed his burgeoning feelings for Sam and Puck had scheduled another appointment with Dr. Relin. He wasn’t due to see her for another week but after that night and the next morning’s events he really felt like he needed to see her again. So at four in the afternoon Puck kissed Sam goodbye in the living room and left the apartment preparing to walk the entire way and sort out exactly what he wanted to say to the doc. Even though it had only been two days of holding Sam, kissing Sam, sharing those feelings he’d been scared to even skate around before, Puck felt amazing just being with Sam. It didn’t matter what his mother was going to say when he told her or what was going to happen when Sam eventually left; it just mattered how soft Sam’s skin was, how amazing Sam felt inside him, how loved he felt sitting with Sam between his legs watching TV or listening to one of Sam’s audio books.

Puck knew he needed to figure out what was going to happen with him and Sam though he couldn’t just live in this moment, couldn’t just wrap himself in Sam and live their forever. Puck needed a plan, needed to sort out how he felt about things and what he was going to do about those feelings. Puck was more grateful for Dr. Relin at that moment than ever before. Self-examination and planning were never two of Puck’s strong suits.

Walking into Dr. Relin’s office Puck found the doctor speaking in hushed tones with her receptionist as a young teen sat in the corner looking like she’d just been mauled by a mountain lion. Deciding that the doc could probably see that he was there and her receptionist was obviously too busy to sign him in Puck took a seat next to table the teen was currently trying to stare a hole through.

“Let me guess,” Noah started speaking without realizing he was doing it “Step-dad,”

The girl looked up at him with a look that clearly said ‘I’m three seconds from cutting your penis off,’

“Got it one huh?” Puck continued despite the girl’s glare “Never had a step-dad, but if yours is anything like my old man was before he took off those look just as bad as they are.”

“Look,” The girl started in a voice that was just as scraped and beat up as the rest of her “I don’t know who you are but I don’t need a pep talk and I don’t need you to bond with me. What I need is for my uncle to get off work so he can pick me up and I can go back to not having middle age men try to pick me up.”

“Middle aged? Fuck you middle aged!” Puck laughed happy to see the look of shock and delight that flashed in the girls eyes at his response to her insult “And I’m not trying to pick you up. I’m pretty sure that my boyfriend would have a huge problem with that. I just wanted you to know that the doc is amazing with this shit. She doesn’t do all that just sit there and listen bullshit she gives just as good as she gets.”

A long silence passed in which Puck noticed the doctor had returned to her office and the receptionist had waved him off when he tried to stand and sign in. Finally the girl beside him seemed interested in talking to Puck.

“So your dad?”

“Yeah. Let’s just say he was a really big fan of baseball.” Puck said rolling up his sleeves and giving a half grin to the girl.

Before either Puck or the girl could say anything else Dr. Relin called in for Puck. Giving a wave to the girl Puck quickly followed the doctor back into her office, sitting down in his usual chair.

“So Noah, what brings you back here so soon?” She asked giving Puck a curious glance.

“I had sex with Sam,” Puck replied looking up into the doctor’s eyes for her reaction.

“Did you tell him what we talked about?”

“A little bit. I told him how he made me feel and I told him you thought I was in love with him but I haven’t said that to him. I can’t say that to him.” Puck said already feeling exhausted just a few seconds into the session. “At least not yet.”

“Why not? Are you unsure that’s the way you feel or are you just scared to admit that to him?” She asked looking at Puck like he was the most exasperating thing in the world.

“How am I supposed to tell him I love him when my mother could disown me for telling her? Everything could fall to shit at any moment and I can’t tell him I love him if I’m not sure I can be around to love him forever.” Puck replied mirroring the doctor’s look.

“Of course you’re not going to be around to love him forever Noah, you’ll never get that guarantee. One day you’ll die, or he’ll die, or you’ll stop wanting to be with each other. What you have to ask yourself is, is every day you get to spend with him between now and then worth it? Because you can’t just let Sam think that everything is great and that your relationship is progressing when you’ll never get to the point where you can be honest with him about the most basic thing in a relationship. If you can’t tell him how you feel about him and how much you mean to him everything else doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that you do love him and that you’ll always be there for him and will treat him right because if he doesn’t know that you’ll do all these things for him he’ll never feel like he can really trust you. They’ll always be doubt in the back of his mind about just how much you mean to him and why you’re in this relationship in the first place.”

“Why do you always have to be so heavy doc?”

“Because you’re too stubborn to realize that sometimes it’s better to protect those around you than your own heart.” The doctor said with a grim smile, “I know that you’ve been hurt and that you have probably the best reasons in the world not to trust, but it’s still not reason enough. You have to risk to get rewarded Noah, otherwise you’ll just be stuck wondering why everyone in your life has left you.”

“That’s easy to say…” Puck grumbled sliding deeper into the soft leather chair.

“And so much harder to do, I know, I really do. You’ve got to try though as corny and sickening as this is you can’t live without love. You have to let people in and let them show you that you can trust someone without them hurting you. If you trust anyone enough to do that don’t you trust Sam?”

“Of course you know I do, but this isn’t about me! What if I can’t do it? What if I try and tell my mom but I can’t? He’ll be so disappointed. And if I can never be close to him? It’ll be Kate all over again and you know it?” Puck sighed, frustrated at himself and the doc.

“He’s done this more than you have Noah. If he wants to get into a relationship with you he knows the risks and he’s decided that you’re worth it, all you have to do is decide if he is.” The doctor said taking off her glasses and putting down her note pad, clearly asking Puck to think about this before he answers her.

Grudgingly, Puck complies. He thinks about all the amazing things he’s experienced with Sam that he’s never had with anyone else. Puck has felt closer to his roommate-now boyfriend than he ever did to Kate. The question is could he ever tell that to Sam? Could he give up what little control he had in this situation and give everything over completely to Sam? In the months that Sam had lived with Puck he’d proved to be not just an excellent roommate but also an amazing friend. Every admission that he’d made to Sam had been taken for what it was worth, just a part of Puck. He’d made Puck feel so secure so safe and never asked for anything in return. Hell, the night that Puck finally told Sam even a little of what the blonde made him feel Sam had been weeping alone in the office and steadfastly refused to let Puck give up one second of his time for Sam until Puck had worn him down.

“He’s worth more than anything I’ve ever had in my life,” Puck eventually said looking into Dr. Relin’s eyes asking for her approval in his answer.

“Can you tell Sam that?”

“I hope so,” Puck replied attempting to be as honest as he could.

“Okay, let’s talk about this fear you have of your mother then…”

----____----

Puck felt a lot better after leaving Dr. Relin’s office that afternoon. Walking back to the apartment Puck could feel the weight of all his anxieties slid off of him. Puck thought about Sam and what he would tell him when he got home. Sam obviously knew he was seeing a therapist but was quiet about asking any questions. Puck understood that it might be considered rude to ask someone about the state of their mental health but after you’ve allowed someone to sit down on the toilet in the same bathroom in which you are currently taking a shower all the rules about decency go out of the window. Puck would have to tell him tonight though and if that wasn’t scary enough Puck would soon have to tell his mother the other reason he was in therapy right now.

Walking up the steps of his building Puck remarked on how lucky he had been to find Sam’s advertisement that day in the coffee house. Even if Puck had found another respectable, clean, and psychosis-free roommate he wouldn’t be Sam. He wouldn’t come home with a video game as a ‘present’ for Puck and then proceed to practice all night while Puck was out at a gig so he could slaughter Puck the next day. He wouldn’t get up at ridiculous hours in the morning, make breakfast for no one, put the leftovers in the fridge, then go back to sleep for three hours. He wouldn’t make Puck crazy with lust just by geeking out over Avatar, high on monster. Puck supposed no one else could do these things; no one else could have made Noah Puckerman fall in love with his roommate completely against his will. No one else could even come close to making him think about telling his mother that he was in love with Sam, his male roommate.

Falling down onto the sofa Puck could hear Sam moving about in the other room shuffling papers on his desk probably trying to sort out whatever he was writing about now so he could have the weekend free for once like a normal person. Smiling at the thought of a weekend alone with Sam after already having two blissful days in bed with the man, Puck lifted himself from his sprawl and wandered into the office.

“What are you doing?” Puck asked resting his shoulders on the door frame, watching Sam work “you look sexy with those glasses on.”

Sam turned around alarmed at Puck’s entrance. When Sam did so, Puck could clearly see the older blonde woman that Puck had come to recognize as Sam’s mother. Horrified at the thought of telling Sam he was sexy in front of anyone much less Sam’s own mother Puck quickly left, dashing into the kitchen to hyperventilate in peace. Moments later Puck could hear Sam leave the office and enter the kitchen, stopping at the threshold.

“I already told her about you, you know?” Sam offered clearly unsure as to what Puck was thinking “She likes you. Well, she likes what I’ve told her about you.”

“What have you told her about me?” Puck asks quickly forgetting his previous meltdown over the subject.

“That you are an amazing person, you play beautifully, and you love me,” Sam says quietly still unsure about what this confrontation with Puck is really about.

Puck looked at Sam bewildered. He’d just spent a good hour and a half in therapy with Dr. Relin telling him over and over again that if Puck never told Sam that he loved him then Sam would never know. Clearly Sam was confident enough in this statement that he was telling his mother that Puck did. Puck had prepared himself so well to finally tell Sam how he felt and Sam was already telling other people. It seemed so unfair that Sam could be so sure and so brave to just assume that Puck loved him from nothing more than the way Puck acted around him. It made Puck so angry that Sam could know something so intimate about Puck before Puck hardly knew it about himself.

Then, Puck looked at Sam. Sam was looking hesitantly from Puck to his feet and back. He had his hands in his pockets yet they were constantly moving clearly fiddling with something in a nervous manner. Sam wasn’t sure of anything. Puck could see in Sam’s eyes that the man feared what Puck would say next. Even if Sam was sure about how Puck felt about him, Puck could see that everything else was still a mystery to the man across from him.

“I do love you, you know?” Puck asked stepping forward to take Sam’s face in his hands.

“Yeah, I did. I just wasn’t sure you knew that or that you wouldn’t freak out when you figured it out. You are frightening did I ever tell you that?” Sam asked a small hopeful smile on his face.

“No, I don’t think you ever have.” Puck said smiling back at Sam and gently rubbing the edge of Sam’s jaw. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay,” Sam said gently whether from fear of what Puck was about to tell him or concern for Puck’s obvious discomfort.

“First though, I’ve got a question to ask of you. Do you love me?”

“Yes,” Sam replied with no hesitation almost like he knew the question before it was asked.

“That’s the best thing I think I’ve ever heard,” Puck said leaning in to kiss Sam gently while pulling Sam’s body into direct contact with his own. “I don’t tell people this, but you need to know. When I was ten my father left my family and it was the happiest day of my ten year old life. I’ve gotten over what he did to me and I don’t think about it that often, my mom isn’t so lucky. She was with my dad for eight years before I was born and only once defied him in any way. For eighteen years she was brainwashed and beaten into thinking like he did. He made her think that we all deserved what he did to us, that he was only doing what God demanded of him. She still holds onto a lot of what he beat into her. She can’t let go of what he did to us and it’s broken her.

“It’s one of the reasons I was so angry as a teenager, I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t let him, why we couldn’t move on as a family. I forgave her a long time ago for letting him do what he did to me because he did it to her too, but after he was gone and she still wouldn’t let me go see any friends because dad would have been mad, that I couldn’t forgive. I still haven’t really, but she’s my mom and I love her. She gets better all the time, I think seeing my sister grow up without him at all has really helped her see that she can live without him. The thing about all of this is though, the reason I’m telling you. My mom won’t be happy or even just mildly disappointed when I tell her about you; she’s going to be livid. She’s going to blame me, then god, then everything down to the public school system. She’s going to hate you for a really long time. She’ll come around eventually but it’s not going to be easy getting there. So that along with a lot of control issues that I apparently have is the reason I couldn’t tell you I love you. I do really love you.”

Sam looked up at Puck the entire time with wide eyes. He’d known from small pieces of conversation that Puck’s dad had left at an early age and that Puck had hated the bastard, but Sam was still shocked at what Puck had just told him. Sam wrapped his arms around Puck and squeezed tight unsure of what else to do after Puck’s admission.

“I’m so sorry. You are so amazing and I am beyond happy that you made it here.” Sam said pulling a grin on to his face with fierce determination. When Puck began to smile back Sam knew that whatever serious moment they’d been sharing before had ended silently and peacefully. “So does this mean you’re my boyfriend now?”

“I already told that girl in the waiting room that my boyfriend would be upset if I started hitting on her, you wouldn’t want to make me a liar would you?” Puck said his body finally relaxing after such a great admission.

“There are a lot of things I want to make you… a liar though, not really one of them,” Sam grinned pulling on Puck’s hand and leading him down onto the couch. “I’ve been meaning to ask for a while now, but things were so new and I didn’t want to spook whatever we had going. Do you want to go on a date with Mike and Matt?”

“Threesome, kinky…are you going to watch?” Puck asked raising an eyebrow in Sam’s direction.

“I meant a double date you pervert. You and me, Matt and Mike, having dinner together and being ridiculously cute.”

“We are all pretty damn sexy…sure why not.” Puck agreed easily leaning over Sam’s body and kissing him hard before leaning Sam fully down on the couch. “It’s not like we haven’t done it before,”

“We have never had a double date with Mike and Matt, or any other couple for that matter,” Sam protested as Puck bit down on his ear lobe.

“Sure we have, the only thing that will be different this time will be that I get some at the end of the night.”

Having no response or argument to Puck’s statement Sam just leant back and allowed Puck to bite all along his skin only stopping to remove his shirt and pants that he’d barely had on for two hours. Puck explored Sam’s body for what felt like the hundredth time but could only have been the twentieth, maybe twenty-fifth. Licking and biting every bit of Sam was something that Puck had never really cared to do with anyone before. Foreplay was one thing, but giving someone’s body attention just to feel the way it moved underneath his hands or taste it on his tongue with no other motive; no other human being could inspire such wonder and dedication as Sam did in Puck. Puck supposed that it was proof if nothing else how much he truly loved Sam.

What Puck loved most about Sam though, was how awkward he was. From the very first phone call Sam was all pauses and sudden movements. Sam was a walking billboard for what Puck supposed was the new leading man, awkward, socially stunted but ultimately earnest, caring, and attentive. Sam was the good guy that just couldn’t express to people how much he wanted to be a part of something. Always unsure of himself and scared to say something wrong, Sam gave Puck hope that everyone wasn’t how they seemed. Sam was an amazing writer, but you wouldn’t know it by talking to him. Sam was what showed Puck that everyone could have something hidden that even they didn’t know was there. Mostly Sam saw something in him that only he saw.

Pulling back from the exploration of Sam’s body Puck found them both hard and wanting. Puck wanted something even more than sex in that moment though; Puck wanted to show Sam what he might never be able to tell him- just how much Sam’s undying belief in Puck had changed him and how much he loved him because of it. So, for the second time in Puck’s life, he stopped what was about to be an amazing sexual act and cuddled with Sam. Puck pulled Sam’s pants back up and forced his shirt back over his head, ignoring Sam’s confused look. Flipping on the TV Puck wedged himself between Sam and the back of the sofa getting comfortable for a long session of Ninja Warrior.

----____----

Having your roommate as your boyfriend was one of the weirdest things Puck had ever experienced. Sam slept with him in the master bedroom but had all of his clothes and things in his room. They took showers together frequently but Sam still went all shy about Puck being in the bathroom while he was brushing his teeth. They had to sit down and split rent and utilities every month usually after long bouts of sex. The weirdest part of the whole situation for Puck though, was how remarkably similar it was to when they were just roommates. Sure, Sam and Puck had copious amounts of sex and said the words ‘I love you’ quite a bit more than they used to but everything else was relatively the same.

Puck had a plan to resolve some of the weirdness that had seemed to creep up on the pair. It was an awesome plan too, if Puck didn’t say so himself.

“Sam!” Puck yelled into the apartment his voice carrying with it a particularly whiny tone. As Sam entered the living room where Puck was currently lounging, Puck smiled and gestured to the seat beside him. “I need to ask you something?”

“Is it how I kicked your ass at Super Mario Bros. yesterday, because then the answer is, I had less friends than you as a child,” Sam smirked a true smile in his eyes.

“No actually it wasn’t but we’ll get back to that. I wanted to ask you if you’ll move in with me,”

For a long, long time Sam just sits on the couch and looks at Puck with a confused glint in his eyes and his eyebrows furrowed. Seemingly unable to comprehend Puck’s question, Sam looks at the walls, television, and even Xbox for help in deciphering Puck’s query.

“Noah, you do know that I already live here right?” Sam asked gently as if speaking to someone who just received a rather intense concussion. “I’m your roommate remember?”

“I know that Sam, but now you’re not just my roommate anymore you’re my boyfriend too and it’s weird that even though we love each other and sleep together every night your stuff is still in your room! I’m asking you to move in with me as my boyfriend who I love and want to continue to live with because I want to be around him all the time and share everything in my life with not just because I can’t afford the rent on my own.”

“Oh,” Sam said a smile beginning on his lips and growing bigger with each second. “Does this mean we can have pizza again?”

“Sam we can have pizza whenever you want to buy it,” Puck replied a smile forming on his own mouth.

“It’s not the same. It tastes so much better after you have been moving stuff around all day and you get so hungry that you start shaking a little bit and then the pizza finally comes and it’s practically like an orgasm.” Sam exclaimed excitedly.

“You are a weird kid you know that?” Puck laughed standing up from the couch and walking back towards the hall. “Do you want me to call Mike and Matt or do you think we can handle moving all your stuff into my room?”

“Oh, I think we can handle it, but before we do I think we should have sex in my room one last time before it becomes a guestroom!” Sam said lifting himself from the couch as well and moving quickly back to his room to lie on the bed and wait for Puck to ravish him.

“You’re going to be really shaky in just a second and it’s not going to be from hunger,” Puck promised splaying himself over Sam.

----____----

Two days after Puck and Sam officially moved Sam into their bedroom, Puck got a phone call.

“Hello?”

“Noah,” Puck’s mother answered sounding as if she had just been sobbing uncontrollably for the last hour or so.

“Hey, Ma,”

“Noah, I need you to tell me the truth. Have you been seeing someone recently?”

Puck froze in fear of what his mother knew. Did one of his mother’s friends see him at the grocery store with Sam? Had they been caught by her Rabbi while they waited in line at the movies? Puck didn’t know why he was so shocked that his mother had found out about Sam. Neither of the two was exactly hiding what they had. Puck frequently told friends, acquaintances, and even the occasional stranger about his amazing boyfriend Sam, it was only a matter of time that his new relationship got back to his mother.

“Yeah, ma I have,” Puck said bracing himself for the yelling that was sure to come.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know what to say. How could I have told you that I was so in love and enamored with someone I knew you wouldn’t approve of?”

“You tell me anyways Noah! You don’t let me here from Mrs. Murphy next door how happy she is that you finally found someone after that retched Kate!” Puck’s mother yelled into the phone. “How could you do this to me?”

“I haven’t done anything to you mom. I know that you’re hurt that I didn’t tell you and I’m sorry that you had to hear about it like that but me and Sam? That is not something I did to you; that is something that I choose to let myself have. I choose to let Sam into my life because it makes me happy and he makes me happy. Why can’t you be happy for me?”

“I just can’t talk to you right now Noah,” Puck heard shuffling then a slight woosh of air before the dial tone reached his ears and with that statement Puck’s mom hung up the phone without so much as an ‘I love you’ or ‘I’ll see you soon’. Puck knew that his mom wouldn’t take the news of his new boyfriend well but it still made him want to cry his eyes out after hearing her be so upset over something that made him so happy.

“Noah,” A soft voice called from the doorway, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Puck replied looking up into the eyes of the man who loved him. “I think I’ll be okay,”