Chapter Text
"I think we both need to get a life."
Steve said sympathetically and saw her smile through her tears. He was glad he could at least accomplish that at the moment. He hated to see her like this.
"You first." she replied bitterly.
She missed him. Lately, she found her thoughts floating to him more often than not. Maybe it was the traumatizing fear left in her of losing more people close to her. And maybe it wasn't just that.
He gave her a sad smile and his eye caught the half-eaten peanut butter sandwich left on her plate.
"When was the last time you had a propper meal?" he asked her, pointing to the plate with his chin.
She rolled her eyes and smiled at him. Her good old Steve, ever a considerate gentleman, something rare nowadays. "I can take care of myself, Rogers, I'm a big girl."
He scoffed at that and smiled "No doubt about that, Romanoff, it's just..." he sighed, casting his eyes to the floor, smile slowly fading away, his expression turning serious. Natasha was looking at him curiously behind the large desk even though she knew exactly what he was going to say. They had been over this before.
"I'm concerned about you, Nat. You spend way too much time on this and it's getting the best of you-"
"Steve, please." she sighed out, raising her hand in protest. "I don't need this right now."
As much as she was glad to see Steve, the last thing she needed to hear right now was a lecture on self-care. She knew he only meant well, but today she was just not in the mood.
Steve stopped talking, at her request, but he wouldn't let this go just yet.
He was worried about her because she was not well, and maybe others couldn't, but he of all people could see it. She had changed a lot after the snap. Quieter, if that were possible and, to his sadness, more distant. Isolated in her own mind in grief, yet somehow still managing to lead the remaining Avengers.
He saw she hurt more with each day passing, and felt helpless knowing he couldn't do anything about it. He of course made sure to constantly remind her he was there for her, but she rarely spoke with him anymore, choosing to bottle everything up instead, and it pained him. He missed her.
Life after losing their friends was not the same and it would never be again. But everyone found a different way to cope with it and move on. Even the remaining Avengers team members who chose to stay active carried on with their lives anyway.
But Natasha. No. She remained here, tireless and tough as a rock, continuing their job, refusing to live for herself. And she was worlds apart from the woman he met all those years ago and he was more than happy to be close to her and watch her soul grow. But to renounce herself wouldn't fix this, wouldn't bring them back. It would only consume her. And he tried to make her see it.
He closed his eyes and exhaled heavily through his nostrils, pausing for a minute. "Natasha," he said as he got up from his seat and approached the desk "I only want you to be okay."
"I know that-" she tried to object but he interrupted her, continuing as if he hadn't heard her.
"You've put everyone and everything else before you and you've put yourself on hold. You don't take care of yourself. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't rest." he counted, growing upset, unable to stop himself, his troubling thoughts taking control of his mouth, telling her things he'd been keeping inside for a long time now.
"I can't see you like this, Natasha." he finally uttered and it came out barely above a whisper.
She too was up from her seat now, approaching him as she saw the now evident distress he was in. It broke her to see him like that too. That's what they both were now. Two broken people.
"And what's more, I feel like I can do nothing to help you because you won't speak with me. I wish I could take all your pain away, I wish I could make you feel better, but I-I don't-" desperation filled his voice and in an attempt to soothe him, she interrupted his incessant raving.
"Steve, Steve." her hands rose up to cup his face and she looked into his eyes.
She knew he cared a lot about her, but she hadn't realized the exact amount of affliction her current state was causing him. And now, staring into his tired eyes, she saw her own sorrow reflecting, but also something else. Something different.
Something she hadn't noticed, but wasn't sure didn't exist before. A kind of tenderness and care she could only dream of seeing in someone's gaze directed to her. And that made her heart swell with a feeling she couldn't quite register.
It ached but she didn't know why. Or, rather, she wished she didn't know. Because this realization in this little moment was all it took to set her heart aflame again. She felt her brain slowing down, struggling to process it, but still attempted to speak.
"It's okay. I'm okay-"
He dared to return the favor of cupping her cheeks, running his thumbs across her cheekbones.
"Are you, really?" he questioned, eyebrows drawn in concern.
His eyes were burning holes in hers but she couldn't look away and their faces were now inches apart. She could feel her face burning up, her heartbeat speeding up and she internally scolded herself for feeling like an enamored schoolgirl.
And he was right. Though she didn't want to admit it, it was true. She still felt tired and depressed most of the time, as if she stayed frozen five years ago, and she was in pain. But right at this moment none of that mattered. It all seemed to fade away into her impulse to move, do something.
And she did.
Standing on her toes, she found his lips with hers in a soft, tentative kiss to test the waters.
Steve was startled, but didn't pull away. Holding his breath, and with his heart about to explode, he responded to her, gently kissing her lips. They kissed, ever so soft, as if not to scare the other but, at the same time, with a casuality that could only exist between two people who understand each other's soul.
She was the first to pull away and Steve wished she didn't. They were still close enough that he could feel her breath fanning his face, and wanted to taste her lips again. But, coming to his senses, he opened his eyes, searching hers.
He wanted this, had wanted her for a long time now, but was unsure if he should act on his feelings, for fear of crossing the line and rejection. Even now that Natasha had made the first move, he was still hesitant.
If they were doing this, he wanted to be sure it was her true feelings speaking and not her need for consolation and human contact right now. That those beautiful moments they shared were product of real, unadulterated feelings towards him, the same ones of love and adoration he felt for her.
He gently cradled her face and rested his forehead against hers, eyes shut. Her breathing was heavy and her hands were bunching up his blouse, holding tightly onto the fabric, clinging to him.
God, how he wanted her.
She sighed and, without thinking, slumped forward into his embrace, feeling his strong arms encircling her perfectly, one hand stroking across her back. They were both silent, lost in their thoughts and each other's arms.
Natasha didn't know how long they stayed like that but she never wanted it to end. It was so comforting. He was warm and solid and she already felt better. Steve had saved her life in so many ways. She was grateful she had him.
Realizing she had feelings for him had hit her like a ton of bricks and left her unsure of how to feel, how to react. She was so not used to this, this kind of feelings. And it bugged her that she couldn't be sure if he felt the same or if he kissed her back out of pity, or so as not to upset her. She had to know.
He beat her to it though.
"Natasha" he started, eyes fixed on her face.
This was his chance. This was the time to learn if she felt like he did, no turning back. This confession would end his endless longing to know, know if it was only him or not.
Steve gulped, watching her watching him with eyes sharp and curious. He took a deep breath and continued.
"I'm going to be honest here. No games." he declared with a serious voice and Natasha felt her breath catch.
She braced herself, steeling her nerves for the inevitable. There it was. He was going to tell her he didn't have feelings for her, that she had misunderstood his compassion for something more, that this between them could never wor-
"I love you." he admitted, voice steady. "Have for a while now." he said, slightly nodding to emphasize his statement.
Natasha drew in a shaky breath and swore the earth vanished from underneath her feet. Her heart was beating like a drum, burning, a spark of joy setting it on fire. She couldn't believe her ears. Steve's words had shaken her. No one else had ever... loved her? Never. And she wasn't breathing anymore.
It was lost on her how a man like Steve, a literal saint, could love a woman like her, an assassin, a two-faced liar. How had she gotten so much luckier than she deserved? A few moments passed, with her unable to speak.
She swallowed, looked down at the floor, moved her mouth as if to speak but nothing came out and Steve felt like an idiot for saying what he said. He was working out how to fix the situation in his mind, when she spoke. Her eyes were still fixed on the floor.
"Steve," she swallowed again and lifted her gaze back at his and noticing his eyes were watery. Words failed her and, instead of speaking, she kissed him again, hoping the kiss would suffice and convey all the warmth flooding her heart.
She pulled away once more and Steve blinked down at her, regarding her face. He understood. Of course he would. If there was one person she could count on to understand her beyond words, it would be Steve. His brain processed the information, sure at last that he hadn't read things between the lines that didn't exist.
And the joy he experienced when it settled in him that the feelings were mutual was unlike any other he'd experienced in a long time.
Natasha was crying for the second time that evening. Only this time, Steve reckoned, it was tears of relief.
Steve remained silent, only gave her a heartwarming smile and brought his hands up to her face, eyes locked in hers, to wipe the tears away and caress her cheeks and then her red tresses, only to watch her eyes flutter closed as she gave into his touch.
And then he kissed her. He kissed her with all that he was worth, with all the love and the lust and the longing he had held inside for so long. He kissed her softly and tenderly and then deeper and harder. And, if she let him, he was determined to show her exactly how he felt. He was certain he would have kept kissing her forever had there not been their need for air forcing them to part.
They pulled away, both breathing hard, foreheads resting against each other's. Natasha felt like her heart was about to break out of her chest, her head was spinning and her hands were shaking. She never thought she would ever get to feel like this. She always made fun of and looked down on those "in love".
She used to believe that love was for children, even that it was but a pathetic way to justify sexual attraction, but she was now seeing she had been wrong all along. She never thought of herself capable of loving anyone due to the way she was raised, but then Steve came into her life and here she was, not even comprehending how she had come to love him without even realizing it in the first place.
Somewhere amongst all this war, all the pain and loss, love had been able to creep into her heart and bloom into something unknown to her till now. Somewhere between their missions together, and their jokes that no one else caught up on, and the little moments of sharing what's in their hearts, she had fallen and doubted she would ever get back up.
Their breathing was even again and Steve was the first to speak.
"I know you feel lost. And alone." her eyes opened and she looked up at him, "And I know you're in pain. But it's not over, Natasha. You and I are still here. We're still standing. And it's not like us to give up." she nodded, a sad smile playing on her lips.
She needed him now more than ever. And he was a total idiot for not seeing it before, for neglecting her, for leaving her at the tower alone to manage the remaining Avengers and their missions, for unconsciously letting himself grow distanced from her in such a tough time. But he would fix everything now.
"And I promise you" he kissed her forehead, "from now on", he kissed her cheek, "you will never", he kissed her other cheek, "ever be alone again."
Finally, he sealed her lips with another loving kiss, as if sealing his promise. "Never" his eyes were steady on hers and she believed every word coming out of his mouth.
She held his gaze, enjoying the comfort it brought her. Steve was here, and so long as he was here, so was she. She swallowed past the lump in her throat.
"Thank you, Steve." she said, voice filled with emotion.
"I'll always be here for you, Nat. No matter what." he answered and softly kissed her once again.
"Now come on." he said, giving her that sweet, Steve-ish smile she loved so. "Let's make you something to eat. Even my cooking is less terrible than that peanut butter sandwich."