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Namjoon has been in love with Seokjin for what feels like a lifetime.
As Namjoon watches Seokjin marry Jungkook he feels his heart shatter to pieces.
It’s a funny feeling, one’s heart shattering. It doesn’t feel painful, not like a knife slashing deep cuts until there’s nothing left, and it doesn’t feel like an explosion, a loud blast doesn’t send the pieces scattering in his chest. Instead, it feels like the headache after you’ve cried until there’s no tears left.
It’s the sound you hear when you step on grass still stiff with frost.
It’s when the surface tension of a water drop finally breaks.
It’s nothing at all and everything at once.
Namjoon grinds his teeth together and pulls a smile on his lips, glad for the fact that if someone else sees the tears sliding down his cheek, they would think they’re tears of happiness.
*
Namjoon is all smiles and awkward angles, still not used to the new heights from which he observes the world. He’s sixteen, a week shy of seventeen, and his friends have thrown him a surprise party. There’s Jimin and Taehyung, giggling with whipped cream on their cheeks as they present Namjoon the cake they spent the whole morning baking. Blushing Jungkook and smiley Hoseok with presents they’ve clearly wrapped themselves. Then there’s Yoongi and Seokjin, the hyungs, blowing big balloons and forcing horrible party hats on everyone.
“C’mon Namjoon-ah, you have to wear one!” Seokjin shouts and runs after Namjoon.
“No way hyung, it’s orange and sprinkly and has neon lights,” Namjoon laughs, dodging Seokjin’s flailing hands.
“Hyung will be very sad if you don’t wear it,” Seokjin switches tactics, making his voice wobble. Namjoon immediately stops in his tracks.
“No no, hyung don’t cry! Of course I’ll wear the hat!” he hurries to say. Seokjin comes to a stop in front of him, chuckling gently as he puts the party hat on a pouty Namjoon.
“There! Looking so handsome, birthday boy.”
“You always fall for the same trick,” Yoongi shouts at them.
Even though Namjoon feels utterly ridiculous with the party hat wobbling on his head and the rubber band digging in to his chin, the smile Seokjin gives him makes up for it. There’s fluttering in his stomach, dozens butterflies flapping their wings, and it’s that moment when he first realizes he’s in love.
*
The wedding guests are buzzing, trying to find their designated seats. Namjoon navigates the sea of aunts, uncles, cousins and neighbours, trying to locate his table. More than once he has to mutter an apology for stepping on someone’s hanbok.
“Namjoon hyung! Over here!”
Jimin is shouting and waving his hand at him two tables over.
“I swear, he was winking at me through out the whole ceremony,” Taehyung is grumbling at Hoseok when Namjoon finally reaches them.
“I’ll make sure to talk to him later, honey,” Hoseok says sympathetically and pats his husband on the knee.
“What’s happening?” Namjoon asks.
“Tae is pretty sure one of Jungkook’s cousins tried to hit on him during the ceremony,” Jimin explains.
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
Taehyung flails his hand. “Thank you, hyung. Sometimes I wish people weren’t so bold.”
Namjoon nods, his mind already wandering. He’s trying to make sense of the mess inside his chest where his heart used to be, whole and uncracked. Seokjin and Junkook had looked so happy during the ceremony, both in their hanboks, exchanging vows and promises of shared future. Maybe the heartbreak would be easier to understand if Namjoon hadn’t also been happy.
“Hey,” a soft voice says next to Namjoon and shakes him from his spiral. Yoongi has sat on the seat next to him, his sharp eyes observing him. “How are you doing?”
“Fine, hyung.”
“You don’t need to lie to me, Namjoon.”
Namjoon knows he doesn’t, this is a secret he’d shared years ago, after Seokjin and Jungkook had first told them they were dating. After a night of laughter and well-wishes, Namjoon had ended up crashing on Yoongi’s worn-down sofa, pouring his heart out.
“I know, hyung, but if I don’t, I’m going to fall apart and there’s no putting me back together.”
“Namjoon, I-“
Whatever Yoongi was about to say is cut out by the sudden roar of clapping and they all turn to see the two grooms emerge through the door. They’ve changed their hanboks for suits, sharp black with elaborate embroidery – Jungkook’s in silver and Seokjin’s in gold. They’re holding hands and smiling, they radiate enough happiness and love to fill up the whole room. Namjoon is going to suffocate.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” he mumbles and bolts from his chair. He hears someone shouting after him, maybe its Hoseok or Jimin – or maybe its Seokjin his brain offers – but he doesn’t stop to look.
*
They’re gathered up in noraebang, all seven of them. Bottles of beer and soju littered the small table in the middle of the small room. Taehyung and Jungkook were currently putting on a show while Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin cheered loudly. They had all given up on Jimin and Yoongi, who were deep in conversation at the edge of the sofa, sitting so close to each other they were practically sitting on each other’s laps.
“Namjoon-ah!” Seokjin shouted to Namjoon’s ear.
“Yeah, hyung?” Namjoon winced.
“Sing a duet with me!”
“No way,” Namjoon snorted.
“It would be fun!” Seokjin complained.
“Yeah, Namjoon,” Hoseok joined in, “we never get to hear you sing!”
“That’s because the last time I did, Jimin complained his hearing took permanent damage!”
“We’re only joking! You know we love your singing,” Hoseok grinned, the bastard. “Or you can always just rap.”
“Yes, rrrapp monster!!” Jungkook shouted from the stage, pointing at Namjoon.
“Please, Namjoon. For hyung?” Seokjin said, laughing that laugh of his that Namjoon loved so very much. Oh, how could he ever say no to him?
“Fine, but just one song!” Namjoon gave up. They had a point, he did have fun letting loose at noraebang.
Before he knew it, Seokjin had picked a random song, a microphone was pushed in Namjoon’s hand and they were both ushered to the front. Seokjin was smiling, his cheeks rounding up and butterflies were born in Namjoon’s stomach once more.
The butterflies became cold as ice as Namjoon recognised the song they were about to sing. It was Im Jaebum’s For You, a timeless classic and the cheesiest song one could sing in noraebang. No one saw Namjoon’s distress, no, they were shouting and cheering, shooting finger hearts and flying kisses their way. Namjoon could not sing this song, not with Seokjin of all people. Especially not while Seokjin’s boyfriend was watching them. He couldn’t hear the song or Seokjin singing, a bell was ringing in his head and a drum beating in his chest. If he sang even a word they would all know. They would all know he was in love with his best friend and had been for the past seven years.
Someone took him by hand. He could hear the song again and Seokjin was still singing. He was also the one holding his hand, gently coaxing him to look at him. Namjoon could see a silent question in his eyes, gentle reassurance. He mustered up a smile and lifted the microphone, quietly joining Seokjin’s singing. For that brief moment, Namjoon let himself go, let himself enjoy the stolen moment.
Until Seokjin turned to watch their audience, his eyes seeking Jungkook’s. Namjoon watched his features fill with love when their eye’s met. Maybe that was the moment he started thinking he should let go.
*
“Namjoon, please let me in?” Yoongi mumbles through the door of the bathroom Namjoon had locked himself in. He was sitting on the floor, his head buried in his hands.
“Is he alright?” Jimin’s worried tone carries through the door. Namjoon couldn’t hear what Yoongi answered him, but Jimin clearly didn’t like it.
“Don’t bullshit me. Our two best friends just got married and now one has locked himself up in the bathroom, so clearly something’s wrong.”
“Jimin, not now. I’ll fill you up later,” Yoongi’s muffled voice says. Namjoon hears them change a few words more before Jimin walks away and Yoongi’s back talking to the door.
“Namjoon, let me in.”
Namjoon opens the lock and Yoongi is instantly inside the bathroom, locking it back up and sitting next to him on the floor.
“Talk to me.”
Namjoon takes a shaky breath. It’s like the broken pieces of his heart have burst on fire.
“I should have told him,” he finds himself saying. “I should have told him I’m in love with him and maybe I would be the one standing there and wearing a matching suit and ring. I should have told him years ago, maybe I could have had a chance.”
Hot tears are rolling down his cheeks, fogging up the glasses he’s wearing. Yoongi massages calming circles on his back.
“Why didn’t you? You never told me that.”
“I was afraid of losing him. Ironic, given that I never had him in the first place. But I was afraid he didn’t feel the same and that me confessing would just ruin our friendship. I was so lost, hyung, for a long time. And when I finally found myself, when the thought of telling him didn’t form ice on my insides, he and Jungkook told they were dating,” Namjoon tells Yoongi. The words don’t stop, the hurt in him wanting to pour out, wanting to be heard.
“He came to me, you know. Jungkook. He always came to me with things that were bugging his mind, like I came to you. He told me he had a crush, had had for a while, and he didn’t know what to do. I gave him the advice I wish someone had given me. I encouraged Jungkook to ask his crush out on a date, to take the leap of faith. I told him he’d regret it if he didn’t. Two weeks after that we all went out to eat together.”
“And Seokjin and Jungkook told us they were dating,” Yoongi whispers, voice hoarse.
“Yeah,” is all Namjoon can say.
“I’m so sorry, Namjoon,” Yoongi says and there’s tears in his eyes.
Namjoon cries against his friend’s chest. He cries for the love that was never fulfilled, that never got to fly free. He cries for the lost years and wasted hours. He cries for the happiness his friends have found. He cries for he is sad, hurting and struggling to let go. He cries for that is the only thing he knows how to do.
*
Seokjin had texted Namjoon at 10 pm, asking him to go with him to the Night Market, because he had “a craving for hotteok”. Of course, Namjoon had said yes.
The market was busy with people as the two of them navigated it, trying to locate a place selling hotteok.
“You know what Jungkookie died yesterday?” Seokjin askes Namjoon.
“Bench press double his weight?”
“No, that is a regular activity of his,” Seokjin musses. “This was something else.”
“Then I don’t know, hyung,” he admits.
“He went and bought a bunny.”
“A… bunny?”
“A bunny! Can you believe it?” Seokjin laughs. “For all that we tease him of being one, he actually had the audacity to buy one and go ‘hyung, now you have two of me!’”
Namjoon tries to battle down the thorn of jealousy digging to his side. He tries to ignore the glint of white gold whenever Seokjin moves his left hand where the engagement ring sits on his finger.
“So now you two have an actually, living bunny as a pet?” he opts to ask instead.
“Apparently so, it’s awfully cute and watching it hop around is surprisingly calming,” Seokjin sighs.
“Does it have a name?” Namjoon asks and sees Seokjin’s eyes lit up with mischief.
“Not yet, but I’ve come up with some suggestions. What’s your opinion on Carrot eater 3000?”
Namjoon stops in his tracks.
“Hyung. That’s horrible.”
“Hmm, it’s a bit much, I agree.”
“You’re impossible,” Namjoon barks a laugh. It only prompts Seokjin to wink at him and utter the words “That’s why you love me,” before joining the line at the hotteok stand, leaving Namjoon standing in the middle of the street, utterly perplexed.
*
Later, after Namjoon has cried his eyes out and Yoongi has called Jimin in to help cover the tear tracks, and after the food has been eaten, Namjoon finds himself hovering near the walls of the wedding reception room. A band is playing and people are dancing, the food had been exceptionally good, but Namjoon only feels hollow inside. He wants to leave, to get to the safety of his home, where he can count up the pieces of his broken heart and properly mourn them. Maybe he’ll get them a nice box to store in.
His friends have definitely noticed something’s wrong but have politely avoided bringing it up. Namjoon can still see the worried looks they’re passing between themselves and it eats him. Today was supposed to be a happy day for all of them, a chance to celebrate love. Well, Namjoon thinks to himself, what is a wedding without at least one miserable guest?
Namjoon downs the remaining champagne form his glass and starts his goodbye round.
“Hey, I think I’m going to head out,” he says to Taehyung and Hoseok, who are in a staring contest with a man Namjoon can only assume is the cousin that was causing trouble earlier.
“Already?” Taehyung snaps his attention immediately to him. Namjoon wants to squirm under his observant gaze.
“Yeah. I, uh, I’m not feeling well. I think it’s something I ate,” Namjoon mumbles hasty lie that all three of them know isn’t true. Maybe one day he’ll tell them the true reason.
“Will you be okay? Do you want me to drive you home?” Hoseok offers, just as observant as his husband.
“No, no, I’ll call a taxi. Please, I know you both want to dance and resolve this whole staring thing you’ve got going on,” Namjoon hurries to say, gesturing wildly towards the cousin that is now looking bored.
“Oh that? That was solved an hour ago, now we’re just annoying him. Believe me, he deserves it,” Hoseok says waving his hand while Taeyung’s nodding in agreement.
“Take care of yourself, Namjoon hyung. And call us if you need anything,” Taehyung emphasises the final word. Namjoon just smiles and quickly hugs both of them before hurrying of to Jimin and Yoongi. They are chatting up with Jungkook, laughing at something funny, features dazzled with mirth.
“Hey,” Namjoon says and cringes immediately inwardly. That sounded a bit too cheery. Three pairs of eyes are immediately on him.
“Congrats once more on the wedding,” he says to Jungkook, hugging him. “You and hyung looked very handsome and in love today.”
Jungkook laughs softly, hugging him tightly. “Thank you, Namjoonie hyung. Are you leaving already?”
“Yeah, early morning tomorrow.”
He can feel Jimin and Yoongi’s eyes on the back of his head.
“I’m glad you could make it,” Jungkook says, his eyes holding emotions Namjoon doesn’t know how to decipher. “It really means a lot to us, hyung.”
“Of course,” is all Namjoon manages to say.
“Text me after you get home,” Yoongi makes him swear before Namjoon is hurrying of, waving them goodbye.
He should thank Seokjin also, say goodbye, but he can’t see him anywhere. Somehow he ends up in the middle of the dancefloor where countless relatives are dancing to the beat of the band. Then, there is a hand grasping his bicep, a familiar voice whispering his name. Namjoon turns around and there Seokjin is standing, a small frown on his handsome face. Namjoon wants to wipe that frown away, he shouldn’t be frowning on his wedding day.
“Hey, I was just looking for you,” Namjoon says. Seokjin is still holding his bicep, the warmth of his hand pulsing through his whole body.
“Dance with me, Namjoon.”
“What?”
“Dance with me. You have to dance with me before you leave,” Seokjin insists.
“Hyung, I don’t-“
“Hyung will be sad if you don’t dance with him,” Seokjin says, using the old tactic and Namjoon gives in.
They dance in silence, holding each other close, only the music and soft murmurs of other guests accompanying them. At some point, Namjoon closes his eyes, the moment lulling him to a different place. He wants the moment to last forever and to never have begun. He wants to note down every little detail so that the memory is whole and real. He wants to keep Seokjin close like this, not careing how selfish it is, how it doesn't ease the pain.
The moment is like the moon and the stars on a night sky. The first ray of sunshine breaking dawn.
It’s the waves crashing to shore.
It’s his broken heart giving one last sigh and letting go.
“Thank you for everything, hyung,” Namjoon whispers to Seokjin’s ear. Seokjin’s hand squeezes his a bit more tightly.
“Thank you for coming today, Namjoon. It meant a lot for me and Jungkook to have you here today,” Seokjin answers. “It meant a lot to me.”
The song ends and so does their dance.
“I love both you and Jungkook and I wish you both nothing but happiness,” Namjoon says. Seokjin smiles that closed smile that rounds up his cheeks, blinking slowly. A well of emotion reaches between them.
Namjoon let’s go of Seokjin’s hand and takes a step back.
“Hope your night continues as gorgeous as it started,” Namjoon nods and with that he leaves Seokjin and the wedding.
He doesn’t call a taxi like he told Hoseok. The cold night air is a welcome hug, filling his lungs with something akin to comfort. The opts to walk to his home, it’s not too far away. With each step he feels the hurt throbbing, trying to pull him under, until suddenly it ceases. The pain comes to a stop, easing just enough to make room for something else to come. It’s not an end and it’s not a beginning, but it’s something.
Something that with good luck will someday be whole again.