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Adam sits on the barstool at the island in the middle of the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and some fruit. He glances through his twitter feed, looking to see what everyone's up to. It's supposed to be a gorgeous day today. Maybe they can get some people together for a little barbeque, have some fun in the sun. That'll put him in a better mood than the one he woke up in.
He's thinking about what they might need to pick up from the grocery store when he feels Sauli's hands slip under his shirt. He immediately sucks in his stomach, already regretting the pint of ice cream he consumed while watching the movie last night.
Adam gently removes Sauli's hands from his shirt before he spins around to face him.
"Good morning," he says before giving him a kiss.
Sauli moans into his mouth before trying to slip his hands under Adam's shirt again. Adam quickly stands up causing their lips to break apart, and Sauli's hands to fall.
"How'd you sleep?" he asks, trying to distract him.
He grabs his bowl and rinses it in the sink. He stiffens when he feels Saulis hands come around him from behind.
"I'm cold," Sauli whines. He steps closer to Adam and tries to slide his hands under Adam's shirt again.
Adam pulls them away. "Then put on a shirt," Adam replies shortly.
"Someone's cranky this morning."
Adam sighs. He hasn't had a morning like this one in a long time and hates them. He always ends up snapping at whoever he's with, like it's their fault he doesn't feel so great about himself. Adam has issues, lots of them in his mind, and his self image is just one of them. Most of the time he likes himself, likes how he looks. But every once in a while he has an off day. Thanks to the pigging out last night, this is going to be one of those days.
"I'm going to take a shower."
Adam starts to walk away but Sauli's hands stop him. "Maybe I should join you. You might be a little happier after." He slips his hands under Adam's shirt and caresses his sides.
Adam slaps his arms away. "Sauli, stop it. I'm not in the mood."
"Since when?" Sauli laughs.
"It's not a good day, that's all." Adam says without heat. He refuses to meet his eyes. There are lots of things he can confide in Sauli, but this insecurity isn't one of them. He doesn't need the pitying look he knows he'll get.
"Oh baby," Sauli says in a sweet voice tinged with concern. "Are you not feeling well?"
"You could say that," Adam replies, taking the way out that's just been handed to him. It's not like he's technically lying because, right now, he doesn't feel good about himself.
Sauli smiles at him and Adam starts to feel better. "I'm not surprised considering how much you ate last night." Sauli laughs teasingly, his fingers poking him in the stomach.
Adam's spine goes rigid. He doesn't need reminding about all the food wolfed down. He saw the soft belly in the mirror, the bloated look to his face. Sauli keeps teasing him but Adam's not listening anymore. He needs to leave before he says something he'll end up regretting.
"I'll be out in a few minutes," he says before escaping to the bathroom.
He looks at scale in the corner and knows he shouldn't but he does it anyway. He cringes when he sees the number. He scrubs his hand over his face. He could pass on the shaving. The growth will cover up his slight double chin and his scars. He shakes his head wishing it would change his mood and decides to shave anyway. He climbs in the shower and washes his hair while the hot water sprays over his back. He washes his body quickly, not wanting to touch himself any longer than he has to.
He really hates days like today. They're even worse when he can't snap himself out of it.
He wraps a towel around himself before heading into the bedroom to get dressed. He stops in the doorway when he sees Sauli inside, sitting on the side of the bed, playing with the ring on his finger.
"It's all yours." He quickly pulls a shirt out of his drawer and puts it on. He feels better already - not so exposed.
"Thank you," Sauli mumbles before he shuffles out of the room, his eyes avoiding Adam.
Great, now Adam feels even more like shit, which he didn't think was possible. He finishes getting dressed and wanders down to the kitchen to make a list of stuff they need. He decides to go find Sauli when he doesn't come downstairs. He should be done with his shower by now. He can hear him in the bedroom talking on the phone. He doesn't stay. Even though he doesn't understand the conversation, it still feels like he's eavesdropping.
Sauli enters the living room a little while later. Adam watches him from the couch as he makes his way over. He lays down and rests his head on Adam's lap, like he always does when they watch TV.
"Was that your sister?" he asks, the show on the screen forgotten. He runs his hands over Sauli's head in a comforting jesture, trying to make up for being an asshole earlier.
"Yes." One word. That's it.
"Are you okay?" Adam asks hestatingly.
Sauli rolls over and looks up at Adam. His eyes search Adam's as he nods. He kisses Adam's stomach and Adam can't stop himself from flinching. He can tell by the way Sauli's eyes skirt away that he noticed it.
"I need to go to the store for some things. Do you want to come?"
Sauli sits up and hugs his knees to his chest. "Are you mad at me?"
"No," he answers. "No, I'm not mad at you," he says again, more forcefully when it looks like Sauli doesn't believe him.
"Okay," Sauli says quietly, not pushing when Adam knows he wants to.
Adam sighs and knows he has to tell Sauli what's bothering him. It's not fair to make him think it's something he did when it's all Adam.
"Sauli, you didn't do anything. I'm just feeling a little," Adam pauses trying to find the right word and settles on, "Unattractive." He shrugs. "Probably because of last night."
"What?" Sauli asks clearly not understanding what Adam means.
"You know I was fat when I was a teenager," he starts and he sees Sauli nod. "Sometimes I have days when I still feel like the fat kid," he shrugs. It's not so bad talking to him about it. Now that he's started, he's not sure why he was afraid to tell this to him in the beginning.
"You're not fat."
"I know but sometimes I don't feel very good about myself. I shouldn't have taken it out on you." He leans over and gives him a kiss. "Do you want to come with me?"
He's changed his mind about the barbeque. He'd rather have a quiet evening home alone but there's still some things he needs to get.
"No thank you. I need to work on the Tutka video."
"Okay. Is there anything you need?"
Sauli looks at him carefully before shaking his head. "No."
Adam gives him another kiss and leaves Sauli siting there staring at the door.
How can Adam think he's fat? Even for one second? He's the sexiest man Sauli's ever met. He wants to do something to try and show him how irrational he's being but what?
* * *
Adam returns home and puts the few groceries away.
"Adam?" Sauli yells. "Can you come here for a minute?"
Sauli pats the mattress next to him when Adam strolls in. "Lie down with me."
Adam smiles and lies down. "What's going on?"
Sauli reaches out and holds his hand. "I was thinking about what you said earlier. Are you feeling better?"
Adam shakes his head slightly. "A little bit. It'll pass. It always does."
"I was only teasing you about what you ate last night," Sauli says quietly. He wants to make sure Adam realizes he does not think he's anything less than spectacular.
Adam looks down at their hands. "I know."
"I want to make love with you."
Adam looks into Sauli's face. "Right now?"
"Yes." Sauli says calmly, his voice steady, his eyes looking into Adam's.
Adam licks his lips. "I know what you're trying to do."
Sauli laughs softly. "What? Trying to show the man I love what he means to me."
"Sauli," Adam drawls out. "I'm not a head case you need to fix."
Sauli ignores that. "Do you know how often I lie awake at night and do nothing but stare at you?"
"How often?" Adam figures he had. He does it too when he can't sleep.
"Almost every night. I wake up, snuggled next to you, and I can't help but watch you."
"Every night?" Adam swallows. That answer makes him a little uneasy.
"Yes. Do you know what my third favorite part of your body is?"
Adam can't help but laugh. "Why not my first?"
"Your eyes are my favorite and your heart is a close second," Sauli says seriously.
Adam kisses him, because, well he can't not kiss him after that.
"What's your third?" Adam puts his arm under the pillow to get more comfortable since it seems they will be here a while.
"This." Sauli slips his hand under Adam's shirt to caress his belly. Adam immediately sucks in his breath.
"Sauli," Adam says, this time in warning.
"You don't have to hide it from me. I've seen it, examined it. I know everything about it. Like how it's softer here," Sauli's fingers trace around his belly button. "How you have this little splattering of freckles here," his fingers move up and to his left side, right next to his love handle.
Sauli moves his head closer to Adam, his fingers sliding over to trace the line of hair that goes hidden beneath his pants. "How the hair hides your other freckles."
His mouth covers Adam's - soft, coaxing, just like his fingers, until Adam gives in and rolls onto his back. One of them, or maybe both of them, moan softly when their tongues touch. Adam still gets the same tingling sensation when they kiss. A million tiny electrical zaps skate across his body, making his skin come alive.
Adam slowly opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling. Sauli's lips trace his jaw to kiss the soft skin under his chin. He closes his eyes and forces himself not to stiffen, to lose himself in the feelings Sauli's creating.
As if sensing his hesitation, Sauli lifts his head. His eyes search Adam's for a long while. "Do you know why I like it so much?"
Adam shakes his head.
"Because it's soft," Sauli says quietly.
Adam scoffs and rolls his eyes.
"Look at me," Sauli says, using his hand to push Adam's face back. "I mean it. The thing you hate most about it is what I love." Sauli smiles before admitting, "I use it as a pillow. When you're sleeping. I always thought it was made for me. I lay my head on it and let my fingers play in the hair. It always lulls me to sleep. Like a glass of warm milk."
Adam laughs. "Great. So now I put you to sleep."
Sauli laughs with him. "Not always. Do you know why I like riding you so much?"
"Because you like sex?" Adam laughs.
Sauli slaps him playfully. "I'm being serious," but he chuckles. "Because when I'm leaning forward, I can feel your stomach against me." Adam's fascinated by the change in Sauli's eyes. "God, it's the best feeling." Sauli closes his eyes and sighs. Adam can feel Sauli's erection throb against his leg and he knows he's not lying.
"Can I take off your shirt?" Sauli asks. Adam nods and lifts his arms. It's not like Sauli hasn't seen every part of him but today it's difficult to lie there and let Sauli stare.
Sauli quickly strips off his pants. He slides himself over Adam as he kisses him, moaning into his mouth on every upward thrust. The moisture Adam feels on his skin inflames him, until he's gripping the back of Sauli's neck, kissing him passionately.
"Oh fuck," Sauli swears.
He straddles Adam and pumps his hips faster and faster, holding on to Adam's shoulders. Adam stares at his face, watching the changes of emotion. Sauli's eyes are closed, and his bottom lip is gripped between his teeth.
"Touch it," Sauli pants. Adam slips his hand to stroke him. "No. Not like that. Jesus, that feels so good." Sauli takes Adam's hand and places it on his cock. "Just push it down. Oh yeah, oh God, just like that."
Adam isn't doing anything but exactly what Sauli said. His hand is flat on him so that Sauli is thrusting between his hand and his stomach. Adam is stunned by the fire in Sauli's eyes when he opens them. A second later, he's the recipient of one of the hottest kisses they've every shared. Sauli's thrusting his tongue all around, moaning into his mouth, biting his lips - it's completely out of control - and hot. So fucking hot.
A minute later Sauli bites his shoulder as he comes. Filthy, dirty words in Finnish fly from his lips. Adam rubs him through the last tremors.
Sauli giggles. He lifts his head to smile at Adam. "Sorry, I lost control. It was better than I imagined."
He gives Adam a quick kiss. "You've fantasized about fucking my stomach?" Adam's heard of some weird kinks but this might take the cake.
"Yes." Sauli jumps off and grabs a towel from the bathroom. He wipes off Adam and then himself.
"Why?" Adam shakes his head, trying to figure out exactly how weird his boyfriend really is.
"I told you. It's soft." He shrugs, as if to say that explains it all.
Adam's quiet for a long while, thinking about what Sauli tried to tell him, and what he showed him.
"What else do you hate about yourself?"
Before he can think, Adam answers. "My nipples. They're not flat. My double chin."
"But they are so very sensitive." Sauli's hand rubs over them gently, tweaking them until they harden.
He's right. They are. It's the reason he took out his nipple rings last summer.
"And your chin. I don't know. I feel like it's my special thing. When you hold me, I can tilt my head and my lips reach it. Like it's just there waiting for me to kiss it."
Sauli pulls Adam to a sitting position.
"You see Adam. All these parts of you," Sauli traces over the tiny roll on his stomach, over his nipples to cup his chin. "They make you who you are. And to me, you're beautiful. Right here, right now. Sitting here with me, you're the most beautiful man in the world. The sexiest. I wouldn't change one thing about you."
"Do you know I hate my legs?" Sauli asks suddenly.
"But they're incredible. All toned and compact."
"You say compact. I say short. And my torso's too long."
"Baby, it's perfect," Adam immediately says.
Sauli just smiles at him and the lightbulb finally goes off.
"So you really do like my stomach huh?" Adam wonders out loud a moment later.
Sauli laughs and jumps him, making him fall backwards.
"Do you think you can go shirtless around the house more often now? Please?" Sauli begs. "I promise not to jump you all the time"
"Yeah," Adam says, his hand caressing Sauli's back. "But not out in public."
Sauli smiles wickedly. "Good. I don't want to share."
"I love you," Adam says, smiling into Sauli's face.
"I love you too." Sauli says, his eyes softening.
Adam doesn't ask why, like he usually does. He doesn't need to. Because for the first time he actually believes the words.