Archive of Our Own

Gon’s first thought when he wakes up is not where am I , nor is it what happened, surprisingly. 

The teen jolts upright in the middle of a room beeping with monitors and smelling of an overpowered sickness, one so pungent that he should probably cover his sensitive nose—and yet Gon Freecss cannot find it in himself to even notice these details. All he can think is Killua . 

It’s not an astonishing discovery, considering that Gon thinks about Killua more often than anything else. The white-haired boy is one of the only constants in his life; his rock, his shoulder to lean on, his friend. His best friend.

The details are extremely fuzzy, memory blurred where Gon knows it needs to be clear, but the last thing he remembers is seeing Killua’s face contorted with anguish as he tries to save a man that isn’t Gon. Can’t be Gon, because even though he can still feel the hollow emptiness where such power resided in him and morphed his body, the brunet still doesn’t want to acknowledge that it was him. 

As acquaintances and doctors alike file into the room, handing him clothes and weeping, Gon’s lungs hurt with the sudden room they have to contract. He takes a deep breath in; the pain grounds him for just a second. A second is a long time if the world is passing as slowly as it seems to now, and when Knuckle’s tear-stricken face pushes itself into his peripheral Gon’s lips won’t even muster a smile despite him telling them to do so. 

Images of white hair and pretty blue eyes flash in his mind, the phantom smell of electricity and the expensive shampoo a certain teen likes to use fills Gon’s nose, and Gon is suddenly, excruciatingly aware that he fucked up. 

The truth rings in his ears and leaves his newly restored lungs breathless. 

Meeting Ging is, predictably, a disappointment.

The man looks like he is smelling shit the entire time he talks with Gon, which is fine. Gon shouldn’t have been hoping for much— didn’t hope for much, because although Gon Freecss is an idealist, he is not an idiot—but still. Just from a simple conversation together, Gon can tell that he and his father are very similar; it’s an unfortunate realization.

Killua would be laughing a smug I told you so! If he were here to see it. He isn’t though, and… is that weird? Gon nearly dies and has met his deadbeat excuse of a father before seeing his best friend. The thought makes his skin feel uncomfortably tight on his body, but that could just be due to whatever drugs he was pumped with to stay alive.

No one particularly wants to tell him that he was on the verge of death, but Gon can see it on their teary faces anyway. He doesn’t know why everyone is trying to hide it from him. The brunet supposes it’s for someone’s benefit, but he isn’t sure for who , specifically. 

Gon has met nearly everyone and their mothers before seeing Killua again, now that he thinks about it. Even Hanzo is there, for some reason, and Gon hasn’t seen the ninja since he took the Hunter Exam a couple of years ago. 

The brunet gets swept up into the moment, of course, because seeing Ging reminds him of Kite. Morel gave Gon as much information as he could while they walked from his room to the auditorium: he (she?) is apparently part ant now, but safe and healthy and Kite regardless. It’s both relieving and nauseating. 

The relief doesn’t stop him from bawling his eyes out, however, and Gon is thankful that he isn’t easily embarrassed. There isn’t much talking done after that—Ging teaches him how to properly apologize, which is slightly ironic, and sends Gon off to fix things with Kite with a promise of seeing each other later. 

Gon wonders if such advice is solely meant to be used in regards to his teacher. Ging seems… knowing. 

Suddenly Gon is ushered out of the large auditorium with Leorio, who, despite his initial happiness, is now looking rather melancholy. He’s given a change of clothes when they both squeeze into a bright yellow taxi; his familiar green color is no longer as comforting as it used to be. 

Tanned fingers fidget with each other the entire time Leorio talks about what happened: the election, ants, Kurapika . The older man chokes when saying the blond’s name, something that does not go unnoticed by Gon despite how out of it he is. Leorio apologizes on behalf of their friend for not even answering a call but Gon doesn’t mind. He trusts Kurapika. 

Leorio talks about everyone and everything except for the one topic that Gon wants to hear. Needs to hear, more like, and it’s on the ride to Kite’s temporary residence that he finally musters the courage to mention the name that everyone seems hellbent on avoiding.

“Leorio,” Gon starts slowly, tasting the words on his tongue. “Where’s Killua?” 

“Huh?” The older startles. Gon had cut him off in the middle of his sentence. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been calling but he won’t answer his cell. But it sounded to me like he was traveling, looking for some way to heal you,” He sneaks a glance at where Gon is staring at his own hands with furrowed eyebrows. Leorio sighs, guilty. “Well, I’m sure he’ll come once we  contact him.”

Gon hums in acknowledgment, not looking up. He clasps his hands tighter. “I just- I need to apologize to him. When I fought with the enemy, I… lost myself, and I said terrible things to him.” 

He can feel Leorio’s eyes on him for a second. The busy road blurs by out of the car window, pedestrians walking and laughing without a care in the world. Gon envies them, if only slightly.

There’s a defeated sound that Leorio makes from out of the back of his throat. Gon finally turns to look at him; his friend’s head is bowed in shame. He starts rambling about how sorry he is for not being there, for being a shitty person, for abandoning them at the worst time—Gon appreciates the sentiment, he really does, but words flow through his ears like oil and water. 

By the time he gets out of the car that had pulled up at a large mansion, Gon couldn’t recall a single thing Leorio was talking about. 

Kite looks different but feels the same. Still has those intense, unforgiving eyes that root Gon to the couch he is sitting in, despite them now being a bright magenta. It reminds him of a person he met a long time ago—somewhere on Kukuroo Mountain.    

They are pretty. Short, with a rather ugly tail, but still beautiful and can easily pass as a human. The hot pink hair isn’t as soothing as their old color was, but Gon thinks that he just has a soft spot for white hair. 

“You defeated an enemy who was too much for me. That’s a fact,” Kite states, elbows on their knees and gaze piercing. Gon’s tea lay forgotten on the small table. “I’ll console myself by saying this means I was right about you.” 

Gon frowns. “But without Killua… and everybody else, I wouldn’t be here. I didn’t do it alone.” 

There’s an airy, thoughtful hum as Kite lets that sink in. “I guess that makes two of us, then.” 

The brunet suddenly smiles, cheeks aching from how recently unused its muscles are. Sitting here are two people that should be dead, talking about their lives as if they were simply a spectator throughout the entire thing. It’s almost funny; Gon briefly wonders what he would have done if he knew that Kite was still alive during his fight. He wouldn’t be breathing still, probably. Neither would Killua. 

Their conversation is short and breezy, reflecting Kite’s new appearance. Gon is interested to learn how much of this person is Kite and how much is this redhead—so far it seems like the only things to have changed are physical traits.

“I know what you came here to say, so thanks for coming to see me,” The ant wraps up. Their words are soothing and genuine. “I’ll call you if I ever need help. Say hi to Killua for me; you guys are a part of the gang.” 

Gon hopes that Kite didn’t see a minute flinch when they mentioned Killua’s name, but the thought is futile. The redhead gives him a sympathetic look and ushers him out the door with an encouragement to meet with Ging. Gon understands the sentiment yet it doesn’t make the bite any less painful.

With a wave over his shoulder to everyone standing on the lawn (including a purple koala, who Gon has never seen before in his life), the brunet races back to the awaiting taxi where Leorio is loudly talking on the phone. He slides onto the old leather seats and shuts the door rather firmly. The glare their driver sends him is scathing. 

“Yeah, he just got in the car,” Leorio answers a question that Gon can’t hear. “Ging is waiting at the—okay, okay. Sure. God , I get it! Bye.” 

Gon watches as his friend aggressively ends the call and slips the phone back into a neat pocket. “What was that about?”

“Killua being Killua,” The older mutters. Gon’s heart practically jumps at the name, back straightening as if pulled on with a metal wire, eyes wide with newfound attention. “He’s at the hospital, too. Insists you go talk to your dad before finding him.”

The brunet deflates at the clarification. Killua knows him too well. 

“I bet he’s checking up on everyone that's bed-ridden. I’ll walk you to their rooms after you speak with Ging,” Leorio tacks on, voice catching on his father’s name with a barely concealed snarl. It reminds Gon to check the viral video of the older Freecss getting decked; his lips quirk at the thought. The smile quickly turns bitter when the weight of Leorio’s words set in. 

“Everyone’s hurt pretty badly then, huh?” 

Leorio glances at him, probably wondering if he should bother responding. Rhetorical questions can be tricky like that—it must not be worth the effort, though, because his friend keeps quiet. Gon doesn’t blame him. 

The rest of the car ride is spent in suffocating silence. 

Of course he already left, Gon thinks to himself, lips twitching with the urge to either laugh or scowl. It’s Ging. 

At least Beans had the decency to look a bit empathetic. He’s probably had to deal with Ging’s bullshit far more than Gon has; the brunet can only imagine the mental stress it has caused Beans throughout the years. 

Whatever. There’s not any time to stand around and feel sorry for himself—Killua’s here. How long has it been since Gon has seen his friend? He doesn’t know how many days he was out on that hospital bed, doesn’t want to know, but has the feeling he’ll find out anyway. 

“Which way, Leorio?” The teen asks hurriedly, nearly bouncing on his feet. “Where is everyone?” 

“I’m taking you there! Geez. C’mon, get it the elevator and press three.” 

Gon obliges, clicking the large button and watching as the metal doors slide shut. His hands twitch a little bit, fidgety, and he picks at the bottom of his shorts. Is this elevator extremely slow or is it just him? No, no, it’s the elevator. Brown eyes stay locked on the screen above the door, absolutely agonizing in speed. 

There’s a slight cough as Leorio clears his throat and pushes up his glasses to readjust them. He’s also looking at the screen. “Listen, Gon… before you go up there. I think- shit, I shouldn’t be saying anything. I don't even know the full story.” 

“What full story?” Gon demands in a voice sharper than what he intended. The older man taps his foot for a second, obviously weighing the pros and cons of a situation that he isn’t educated on. Gon’s skin feels strange again, like it doesn’t belong on his body, and the itch makes him squirm. 

Leorio finally turns to look at Gon. “Killua went back to the house.” He holds up a hand when the boy’s mouth instantly opens in protest, and he shuts it with a click. “I don’t know why, so don’t bother asking. But he nearly started a war over it within his family. At least, that’s what I’m guessing. I’m not saying that he was the one who healed you, because I really don’t know, but you got better after he came back. So… do with that what you will.” 

Something must show on Gon’s face because Leorio sighs. 

“Just be careful, is what I’m saying. That’s all. I heard from the bald guy that Killua wasn’t doing too good, which is definitely an understatement.” 

There’s the familiar burning sensation in Gon’s nose and behind his eyes—Gon settles for a firm nod because really, what else is there to do? 

The elevator doors finally open and they step out, walking along the corridor to some open rooms. Gon catches a glimpse of Palm’s long, tangled hair through one of the doorways. She’s sitting beside an injured Morel and Shoot; the woman looks up, as if sensing his presence, and widens her eyes upon seeing him again so soon. They narrow again, however, expression becoming uncharacteristically stern and hard. 

Palm raises a scaled finger to point to her right and Gon looks over, but there isn’t anything there. It’s just the wall. 

Oh. Oh. Next door. 

Gon keeps on walking, not even noticing when Leorio lags and lingers around the first room. The next door isn’t wide open like the first one; from what he can see through its crack, the room is dark. He reaches out a hand but feels himself hesitate. With a shake of his head, Gon grasps the handle, gently tugs the door open, and lets his eyes adjust to the lack of light. 

There’s a figure laying on a hospital bed. They have long, black hair and are fast asleep. Gon blinks; he’s never met this person before, not that he can remember. Their chest rises and falls but otherwise does not move, completely engulfed in unconsciousness. 

Standing next to the bed, however, is Killua. He’s already staring at Gon with large eyes, shinier and wetter than the brunet has ever seen before. 

A small, cautious step forward. “Gon?” 

Gon can’t control his feet—they are already running as quickly as the short distance allows, barely stopping in time to avoid crashing into Killua and sending them both tumbling down on the floor. His hands move without his permission, brought up to cradle the other teen’s jaw and tilt it every which way, inspecting for injuries. Gon scans him from head to toe; thankfully, he doesn’t look hurt. The realization is enough to make him sag against Killua in relief, wrapping his arms around the blond and just breathing.  

Killua remains pliant throughout the entire examination, not even stiffening at the hug though they haven’t touched like this before. If anything, he melts into it, tentatively winding his own arms around Gon’s shoulders and pressing his forehead to the brunet’s collarbone. 

“Killua, Killua, are you okay? You aren’t wounded, right? I heard that- I. I heard-” Gon’s speaking in a rush, words jumbling together and mind working faster than his lips. His voice breaks for a second. “Killua, please tell me your alright.” 

The boy in his arms abruptly freezes, back tensing. Gon can’t see his face, doesn’t know what he’s thinking, and his eyes widen at the change. He gasps quietly when Killua suddenly pushes him away, not understanding. 

Gon watches as Killua straightens up after putting some distance between them. He’s looking at the floor with clenched, slightly shaky hands. There’s a brief moment of silence as the action sets in.

“Apologize,” Killua finally grits out from behind clenched teeth. He sounds angry but his voice is wavering. Gon reaches out his hand to graze over his friend’s alarmingly white knuckles but the boy jerks away as if burned; Gon feels his throat tighten in response. 

“Apologize,” He repeats in a loud voice. Killua looks up—the tears that were pooling in his eyes had spilled, making the furrow in his brow less intimidating than intended. He looks vulnerable, standing there and trembling, with wetness dripping down his cheeks and falling into a white shirt. “You need to apologize to me! Now, Gon! Y-You have to!”  

The white-haired teen’s voice cracks halfway through his demand and Gon’s eyes widen. He distantly notices that the figure resting on the bed is now sitting up and rubbing their eyes tiredly, woken up by the commotion and now looking at them both with curiosity. 

“I know,” Gon agrees, trying to sound as soothing as his nerves will allow. “I know, Killua. I said such horrible things to you and I am so sorry for it. I wouldn’t have ever said that stuff if I was thinking clearly. And I… I didn’t mean any of it. I’m sorry.” 

The apology sounds shitty to his ears and he nearly cringes at the delivery. His eyes sting and, if there were any more tears left after today, Gon knows he would be crying just as much as Killua. The teen’s shoulders are starting to shake more and more and Gon doesn’t know what to do—he’s never seen Killua cry before. Strong, powerful, and resilient Killua has never shown so much weakness to him, not like this. 

The brunet extends his arms again, this time a suggestion, and somehow through his tears, Killua can see it. His lips curl into a semblance of a snarl before dropping; for a moment Gon doesn’t know if he will accept the offer. But Killua eventually rocks forward into Gon’s arms, boneless, and sniffles against his shirt. Gon nudges him towards a couch in the corner with increasingly hurried movements, spurred on by loud snivels; he nearly has to carry the other boy with how heavily Killua leans on him.

Gon is alarmingly close to panicking. The brunet had expected Killua to feel strongly—it’s Killua, after all—but Gon thought that the chances of Killua being angry were far greater than anything else. He was prepared to deal with that anger: a punch to the side, some yelling, the cold shoulder if the boy was feeling particularly vindictive. What Gon wasn’t prepared to handle, however, are these tears that seem to be never-ending. Killua is the type to let his emotions build-up for a while before showing them, so how long has the younger teen been feeling this way?

Gon doesn’t know what to do with his arms once the duo is successfully situated on the couch; this situation is utterly foreign. He settles for a hand rubbing comforting circles into Killua’s back, and the action makes the white-haired teen shudder even more violently before going completely limp as if his limbs are made of jelly. 

“You’re okay,” Gon whispers mindlessly into pale hair, brain running a million miles per minute. He makes a shushing sound. “It’s okay, Killua. I’m sorry.” 

The phrase is repeated over and over again, words pressed against Killua’s head. Gon hopes that they somehow sink through the younger’s scalp and stay there. He brings up an arm to rub at his own irritated eyes, one hand still moving up and down on Killua’s back. 

“Killua,” He just needs to say his name. They’ll be okay. “Killua, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not just-” Killua hiccups between sniffles. “It’s not just about what you s-said.” 

The world comes to a standstill. It’s not just about what you said. 

“What do you mean?” Gon asks, voice high and desperate. “Killua?”

Gon receives no reply. He doesn’t really predict he’ll get one—it sounds like something he has to figure out for himself. They sit there for a moment with a stream of tears remaining steady, thoughts loud enough that Leorio could hear them from the room over if he tried. There is a slight shuffle from across the room and a cough. 

“Big brother?” A feminine voice calls. Gon’s eyebrows furrow; he had forgotten someone else was in the room. “What’s going on?”

Killua stiffens and slowly pulls away to wipe at his bloodshot eyes again, looking mildly surprised; almost as if he forgot there was another person with them as well. He blinks, disorientated. 

“N-Nothing,” He replies, not moving. His voice is scratchy and he makes no move to clear it. “Sorry, we woke you up. You should try and sleep more. Oh, um, Gon… this is Alluka. She’s my younger sister.” 

Younger sister? Gon thinks. Killua’s never mentioned a younger sister. He watches as she gets up to flick on the lights and he squints at the brightness. She’s pretty, with eyes the same color as Killua and hair the same color as the rest of the Zoldyck’s that Gon has met. She doesn’t look that much younger than them both, actually; her eyes ghost over their position. Despite being the most friendly-looking, she still has that calculated gaze that the Zoldyck siblings share. 

There’s a pregnant pause and he belatedly realizes that an introduction would be appropriate. “Uh, right. Nice to meet you, I’m Gon. I didn’t know Killua had a younger sister.” 

“I’ve been at home,” The girl smiles sweetly like it’s not one of the most terrifying places that Gon can imagine. “Killua just came to get me. It’s nice to meet you, too. And brother, I’m not tired anymore.” 

“Do you want anything to eat, then? Some water?” 

As Killua speaks, he begins to detangle their limbs and rise from the couch. A hot flash of panic flares within Gon and he grabs a pale wrist on instinct; Killua looks down at him, lashes still wet, but without any of the anger from his last outburst. There’s no way he got over it that quickly, right? It’s an act. 

“Wait, Killua, we should talk-” 

“It’s alright,” The teen responds, cutting him off. “I didn’t mean to go all crybaby on you, sorry. I can’t— we can’t discuss this right now. You apologized, I’m fine now.” 

It’s not alright , Gon nearly blurts out; he bites his tongue at the last second when he catches a glimpse of the emptiness behind his friend’s eyes. Even if he did protest, what else does the brunet have to say? He wouldn’t forgive himself if he was Killua. God, Gon doesn’t even know the extent of what he did . Memories are still fuzzy and being pieced together too slowly for comfort; Ging’s words suddenly float through his mind and Gon falters long enough for Killua to slip out of his loose hold. 

When apologizing to a friend, there is a rule. You promise to do things differently next time, and you keep that promise no matter what.

How can Gon promise to do something different if he can’t pinpoint what that something is? There’s the obvious, of course: he said shitty things. He was a bad friend. Is a bad friend. The worst. 

So Gon lets Killua go. He remains seated as the white-haired boy fusses over his sister, brushing hair away from her eyes and insisting on going to buy a water bottle from the vending machines downstairs. His fluffy mop of hair disappears around the corner after grabbing some cash and Gon is left alone with Alluka; he’s usually pretty good at talking to people, but his mouth currently feels like sandpaper, leaving his tongue raw and bleeding. The younger girl must notice and take pity on him because she speaks first. 

“Brother’s pretty evasive, right?” She comments lightly. Her lips purse for a second. “Sorry, that was nosy! I’m sure he has his reasons. His brain has always worked funny like that.” 

Is this supposed to be a comforting pep talk or something? Gon can’t even find it within himself to fake an appreciative smile. 

Alluka doesn’t seem to mind the silence, kicking her legs and staring with no shame. “I’ve known him my entire life; he’s only ten-ish months older than me, you know? He’ll come around, he always does.” 

Almost twins, the brunet thinks to himself slowly. Then: this girl is really nice . Gon nods, not able to do much else. It satisfies her, though, and she remains relatively quiet until Killua gets back, albeit the occasional comment about the temperature of the room or weather outside. Gon hardly even hears her—by the time his friend walks into the room, holding only two water bottles, he doesn’t feel there. Brown eyes see the room but don’t actually look , tanned ears hear but don’t actually listen , and the similarities between this and watching a movie from another person's perspective are too few to differentiate. 

Gon can tell that Killua is leaving before he even directly says it. It’s something about the air surrounding him, maybe, or that hollow glaze to his eyes that has been there ever since Gon saw him again three days ago. He isn’t surprised that the white-haired teen waited until the last minute to tell him; that’s always been Killua’s style. 

It shouldn’t hurt. It does. 

It’s unfortunate in more ways than one—once Gon got over his little moment at the hospital, he and Alluka have been all jokes while traveling to the World Tree. She’s wonderfully enthusiastic, almost reminding the brunet of himself, in a way. He wishes he could have spent more time getting to know her. Nanika, too, once Killua finally introduces him. It’s a bit betraying, to have his friend wait until the last minute to reveal her as well; the feeling passes as soon as it comes. Gon really doesn’t deserve to feel betrayed. 

“I’ll let my brother go once I’ve spent some time with him,” Alluka’s saying, dimples prominent in her cheeks. “Please play with him again real soon.” 

Killua turns to face her with a scandalized expression. “ Play with him again real soon? Don’t go planning playdates, what the hell?” He’s smiling again, too. He swivels back to Gon. “Isn’t she great? This is what you come second to.” 

Gon barely catches the discrete elbow that digs into Killua’s side at the statement. He laughs for a second but sobers quickly, spinning and starting to walk towards the platform. His feet feel heavier than they should. 

With a tilt of his head, he looks at the two siblings again. Alluka’s gaze is shifting between both boys, strangely knowing, but Gon doesn’t pay attention; he’s too focused on his best friend. 

“Kite said that no matter where we go,” Gon repeats with confidence that he doesn't have. He’s surprised his voice doesn’t wobble. “We’ll always be friends!” 

“Yeah!” 

And with one last quirk of his lips, Gon Freecss crosses onto the platform. He doesn’t look back. 

Life on Whale Island never changes. 

It’s good to see Aunt Mito and Abe, of course. His room looks the same as when he left it last, a fishing rod tucked in the corner and desk neat. The only different thing is the newly available space where Killua’s futon had taken residence for over a month; its position lasted so long that Gon almost forgot it wasn’t permanent. He wishes it was. 

The island smells the same. It’s invigorating and fresh, the trees always in a luscious green and flowers constantly bloomed. He spends time with Kon, who, despite the initial bristle of fur, quickly recognizes him. Kon’s found a mate now—Gon caught a glimpse of her peeking from behind a large bush and took note of her slightly rounded belly. He felt weirdly sentimental about it for a second before laughing off the notion, excitedly telling his family the news at dinner that night. 

He doesn’t mention how it feels like time is moving for everyone else but him. 

Gon’s skin itches with the want to run . More than what ten laps around the entirety of the island could satisfy; he’s tried. Being home is always pleasant—because that’s what Whale Island is: home—but now that he knows what the world has to offer, it feels more like a cage. A wide, wonderfully open cage, but a cage nonetheless. 

Mito notices, he can tell; he catches glimpses of her worry in soothing back rubs and cooking his favorite dinner multiple times a week despite not caring for pepperpot herself. Gon eventually has to tell her that it’s okay, Aunt Mito, seriously . She doesn’t believe him, of course, and he doesn’t blame her. The words taste like lies no matter how many times he repeats them. 

Living things no longer have the blurry cloud of nen surrounding them. It’s a shock, though he doesn’t know why —Gon gave up everything. He shouldn’t be alive right now, much less living a tranquil life on Whale Island as if there wasn’t a deadly war against mutant ants just a couple of months prior. 

The brunet mediates every day because there’s nothing else to fucking do, but no matter how many times he strains his eyes as if to use gyo , the attempts are futile. The realization leaves him with a dull emptiness; he feels useless. Gon is no stranger to weakness. They are more like friends if anything, but considering himself a hunter that can’t even summon basic ten is a joke. He doesn’t bother trying to explain it to Mito. He probably deserves to deal with it alone. 

It’s not gone for good, maybe. Ging said that there is a solution to every problem, and though Gon thinks that this might be classified as more than just a problem , he allowed his father to ramble on about it anyway. It was the poorest attempt at comforting that Gon has ever experienced in his life; he can’t even be upset at it. Ging told him that he’s seen situations like this before. “Never this bad, you know, but still. You’ll get nen back, probably. You’re related to me . ”  

Gon kind of wants to hysterically laugh at the stroke to his own ego thrown in. It’s somewhat reassuring, Gon guesses, if he was desperate. Which he is, unfortunately. 

“No aura… it just means you went back to normal,” His father had pointed out. “Isn’t that enough?”

Ging doesn’t get it. Gon wishes it was enough—but it isn’t, because he’s incredibly selfish. He knows that. The knowledge does not keep him from wondering about what could have been and what should be. Gon has always had issues keeping his head in the moment, but that’s what has kept him alive, right? That’s what lit the fire that boiled his blood, encouraging him to go and take and reach his goals . 

It’s also what made him take for granted the only things that mattered in his life. 

It’s a horrific discovery to realize that he left Killua. There was nothing monumental about the moment—he had been sitting on the beach, picking up shells and just thinking— when the epiphany hit him: it wasn’t just the things he said that were wrong. Gon left his best friend. Left him without a glance backward and didn’t consider his feelings at all because he was too blinded by rage. Yet, Killua still followed; Killua followed him knowing damn well that he was going to get himself killed because Gon’s an asshole. 

Gon faintly recalls a promise they made. It was sometime after meeting Ikalgo, if he remembers correctly. Not anything too explicit, but even he wasn’t dumb enough to miss the underlying message. 

“You have to promise me, Gon! Tell me you’ll go with me. Together. Promise me.” 

Killua was willing to die for him. That was obvious. And Gon was willing to die for him, too, and still would. Gon takes some time to reflect on that, which is uncharacteristic of him, almost outlandishly so. It starts with some simple questions, like, “What would I do if Killua was the one who left me behind?” 

The thought is terribly alarming. It produces a visceral reaction out of him, one that makes Aunt Mito raise her eyebrow at the dinner table. He waves her off with a grimace. 

Killua being the one to die wasn’t an option. Maybe Gon knew that even when his anger made it hard to see more than five feet in front of him. Maybe it was a subconscious decision; Killua has to be the one to live. He can’t get hurt. It’s not his fight, it’s mine. That mindset was irrational and ridiculous because Killua’s battles are his as well, so it should apply the other way around, too. They are a pair, a duo. It’s hard to say “ Gon” without tacking on an “ and Killua. ”

The more Gon thinks about it, the more rhythmic it seems. It’s a pattern. He does stupid shit without any regard to who it might hurt and expects those people to stick around; that’s not right, is it? That’s not normal. 

Killua is an interesting person. Gon, even after almost two years of traveling with him, still cannot fully comprehend how his brain works; that used to be okay, because Killua didn’t understand how his brain worked either. He quickly discovers that it isn’t alright, not anymore. It’s unfair and inconsiderate and fucking stupid that he didn’t know how his best friend was feeling for a long time. Weeks, months. Still, probably. Gon thinks he finally understands what Killua meant back at the hospital. 

“It’s not just about what you said.” Killua was right—he fucked up in a lot of ways more than just saying dumb shit. 

After just a couple of days of being back home, Mito forces him to begin writing an entire recap of his adventures outside Whale Island. She cuffs him on the back of the head when he makes a comment about how he would rather stick a fish hook through his esophagus , which she doesn’t find very funny. Gon grumbled and groaned and rubbed the sore spot on his scalp, but booted up their newly bought laptop to start writing regardless. 

It’s hard. 

Way harder than what he considers fair. He decided to start at the beginning, as all good stories do, but when he reaches writing about a long, dark tunnel with the phantom sounds of running feet, he abruptly has to stop. Images of a young boy with hair as bright as starlight are pressed into the very backs of his eyes; he can hardly write the blond’s name without feeling a burning in his sinuses that refuses to be cleared even when he blows his nose. 

Gon eventually finds a note when slacking off on his math homework. Well, considering it a note is generous; in the back of a notebook hidden in one of his desk drawers is Killua’s slanted handwriting along with a crude drawing that Aunt Mito would surely cringe at. 

Killua Zoldyck was here!

He doesn’t know when his friend wrote it. There must have been multiple opportunities while staying here, he’s sure. It’s been a long time since Killua was on Whale Island; the ink is old. 

The four words make his eyes tear and nose run in a way that he hadn’t allowed since the palace invasion. Mito bursts into his room after hearing the pained sobs reverberating off the walls and takes one look at the name on his paper, eyes softening in understanding. Gon calms down slowly, cuts out the note into the shape of a heart, and frames it. He finds himself staring at it more often than any of his schoolwork. 

His room gets torn apart while looking for anything else that Killua could have left behind. It’s unsuccessful, and he guessed as much. The younger teen’s mere presence is like that of a ghost; Gon is lucky that he found even those few words. 

Gon gets a text from an unknown number approximately three months after stepping off the boat to Whale Island. When he opens the chat his beetle nearly slides out of a tanned hand in shock—the first thing he sees is a picture of white hair and pale skin, fingers wrapped around the paper of a snow cone. Killua is in the middle of swiping a flat tongue across blue ice. The background is sunny, with palm trees glittering in the distance. It’s obviously taken by Alluka, with a low angle and Killua’s eyes faraway in clear disregard for the phone. He probably didn’t even know he was in view.

The picture leaves Gon breathless. He stares at it for longer than he should, even zooming in on the blond’s face just to see . He gets the urge to print it out. 

There’s a message, too: this is his third one! Lol.  

The honesty makes a laugh crawl out of Gon’s throat. The sound feels foreign for a second—it has been a long time since he felt such unadulterated happiness. It’s not surprising that the first time he’s laughed so freely in months is due to Killua’s addiction to sugar. 

That night he makes Mito take a picture of Abe and him. Gon looks over it, knows that his smile is less bright than the last time they saw each other, but sends it back to Alluka anyway. He never was the better actor between the two of them. 

After that, a lot of Gon’s time is spent thinking about what to do when he leaves Whale Island. Where to go, who to see, what to say. He already knows two answers; a lot of time is spent thinking about the third one, though. Gon doesn’t mind. Time on Whale Island feels endless. 

The photo of Killua and his snowcone gets printed and framed despite a small voice in Gon’s head advising against it.

Gon is fifteen and eleven months when he finally musters up the courage to ask Killua if the other teen wants to meet again. 

Communication between them has been mediocre at best; Gon’s more likely to get a response via email or text rather than call, as Killua usually has bad service wherever he and his sister might be. Replies to his emails can take anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months. 

The reply to this email took only ten minutes.

The answer is a simple yes: attached are the date and location. His eyes widen when he reads the address—it’s Yorknew, of all places, and on May fifth. Gon smiles to himself a bit, knowing that Aunt Mito is going to kill his friend for stealing him away on his sixteenth birthday, but runs to tell her the news nonetheless. 

(She pretends to be mad. Gon knows all the complaints are fake, driven by a false overprotective-mother mindset that Aunt Mito could never fully master, but he still appreciates the effort.

She tells him to give Killua a note that she hastily scribbled down as soon as Gon announces the trip. In her beautiful handwriting, it reads, “Come home and visit sometime!”)

Gon steps off the blimp at Yorknew exactly one month later and isn't sure where he is supposed to go. He’s right on time, but the email Killua sent never specified the place at which they were meeting and the two haven’t spoken since. 

The only things in his backpack are his phone and some money, as well as a spare change of clothes. Gon has long since ditched the full green attire, switching to simple black sweatpants and a dark green tank top that he wears more often than not. In Gon’s pocket is a thin card with the Hunter Association logo on it; he hasn’t let go of the license ever since he got it back after pawning it a couple of years ago. He smiles at the memory. 

The brunet entertains the thought of texting his friend or just walking around the city and hoping he stumbles across him, but both options sound rather silly. Thankfully, Killua decides for him. 

“Hey, Gon!” A voice calls from behind him. His eyebrows raise at the sound of his best friend’s voice; it’s older, smoother, but still unmistakably his. Gon turns to see two figures hurriedly approaching, but quickly bows before he can catch any details. He bends a full ninety degrees at the waist, hands nervously glued to his sides, and stares at the airport’s shiny floor. 

A pair of purple shoes tease the very top of his vision, the very same ones Gon saw for two years straight. 

“I’m sorry,” Gon breathes out lowly. “I am so, so sorry, Killua. And thank you. I really don’t deserve to be standing in front of you. You are so kind and sweet and forgiving and I just- I was-“ He makes an irritated sound at the back of his throat when words fail him. “An asshole. So thank you for agreeing to see me. For everything.” 

Gon straightens the slightest bit and peeks up. Killua’s face is more defined than the last time he remembers, corners of his eyes lined with black makeup, and Gon wonders if it’s new. It looks good. 

The blond’s hair has grown a little bit, long enough that it would probably stay if he tucked it behind his ears. It otherwise looks the same, still unruly yet soft. Gon knows from experience that it truly is as fluffy as looks suggest. His bangs fall gently over wide and incredulous eyes, slightly watery either from the short declaration or from seeing Gon. Maybe both. 

“I want to talk more about this later,” Gon finally continues, keeping eye contact. “But I had to get that off my chest. Please.” 

Killua huffs a laugh, not bothering to wipe at his eyes, blush sitting prettily on his pale features. “Get up, idiot, we are in public. Making a whole speech in the middle of an airport—this is so embarrassing.” 

Gon stands back up fully and grins, wide and bright, and readily accepts the hug when Killua discreetly opens his arms. He winds his own around the other teen’s back, cheek’s resting together; Killua’s feels hot to the touch but is stretched in a mirroring smile. 

“I missed you,” He whispers in Gon’s ear. Gon blinks at the blatant honesty. “We can talk more later, yeah.” 

Gon suddenly remembers that there is another person next to him and promptly swivels them both so that he can see Alluka’s happy face. She’s grown, too, taller and stronger; he eyes the new muscles along her biceps that spell danger even through her clothing. 

“Hey, you!” He excitedly greets, not letting go of Killua. “It’s so good to see you again. You look beautiful.” 

Alluka laughs. “Oh my gosh, thank you. I’ve also missed you! Alright, alright, big brother, stop hogging Gon. I want a hug, too!” 

Gon unwinds his arms, chuckling, and already misses the warmth that their hug provided. Alluka squeals a high-pitched “Birthday Hug!” and slams into his chest as soon as Killua is out of the way, leaving Gon a little breathless. 

“Ah, thanks!” He says, picking her up and gently spinning her. When her toes touch the floor she unfurls her arms from around Gon’s neck. “I almost forgot it was today, actually. Too much excitement.” 

The girl tsks. “Getting so old that you forget your own birthdays, huh? Don’t worry, we remembered for you.” 

She sends an expectant look Killua’s way and he startles. “Uh, yeah. We got some stuff planned for today. I already booked our hotel, too. Near Heaven’s Arena.”

There is an appropriate ooh and ahh at the statement. Gon can’t bring himself to respond with more than that; he knows he’s staring at Killua, yet is incapable of looking away. The blond’s body has gotten a bit more lanky, lithe, and he is secretly glad that they are around the same height still. Gon gets the urge to hug him again—that would be too much though, he’s sure. The new boundaries between them are faint but there and the boy isn’t too keen on pushing them just yet. 

The way that Killua sticks near him doesn’t go unnoticed, however. Not anything drastic—just close enough for Gon to feel him, sensation magnified because of how hypersensitive he is to Killua’s presence. It makes the hair on his arms want to stand up. Ticklish. 

An awkward pause ensues and Gon realizes he should say something. 

“Okay! Lead the way, right?” 

Killua just blinks at him; the makeup around his eyes looks so good, holy shit. Gon cannot get over it. He thinks he notices a knowing smirk dancing across Alluka’s lips out of the corner of his eye, but when he turns to look at her the only smile on the girl’s face is that of pure innocence; Gon doesn’t believe it for one second. 

“Um, r-right,” Killua stutters and flushes, making an irritated face at the sound. Huh. “Yup. Yeah. Alluka, you have the directions.” 

She snickers at her brother’s jumbled speech. “Uh-huh. Follow me.” 

The walk out of the airport and into the sun outside is brisk and short; Gon takes exaggerated gulps of the smelly, city air and smiles. He hasn’t left Whale Island for around two years now, and the change in scenery was a necessity. 

His skin itches with anticipation—for what, he isn’t quite sure. Gon has always trusted his gut, however, so when his intuition says that something big is going to happen, he believes it without a doubt. 

It isn’t long before Alluka is leading them both into a long line standing outside of an aquarium. He laughs upon realizing what the place is, politely nodding to the cashier when Alluka flashes some sort of pass on her phone. It’s nice of them, Gon thinks, to choose something like this; he’s guaranteed to enjoy anything with animals. 

Alluka’s already talking his ear off. As they pass schools of assorted fish, she relays anything and everything that comes to mind: what places they’ve been to, how she has been, how much that dress cost that she’s wearing right now. She’s extremely smug to correct his already lowballed estimate of its price, because it was “on clearance and I had a coupon!” 

The girl keeps the conversation mostly about her, not speaking for Killua, and it’s slightly unnerving. Killua doesn’t interrupt at all; he chose to walk on Gon’s other side, surprisingly, leaving the brunet in the middle of the two siblings. 

“So what have you been doing?” Alluka finally asks once she’s exhausted sharing information about herself for the moment. 

Gon laughs, hesitant. “Oh, nothing much. I would have texted if I did anything cool.” 

“Whale Island is plenty cool, I’m sure,” The younger girl denies. She points a finger around Gon to gesture towards her brother. “He’s talked very highly of your home. I would love to visit someday!” 

He turns his head to look at Killua. The blond shifts uncomfortably and refuses to make eye contact, just humming an affirmative and becoming very interested in the nearest plaque. After a quick glance over, Gon realizes it gives information on how jellyfish mate. He holds in a snort. 

“Well, you can come home whenever you’d like,” Gon suggested with a smile. “We would love to have you.”

Alluka positively beams in response before dragging him off to look at a shark slowly swimming by the glass. 

The whole situation is awkward. Gon would be lying if he denied it. But as Alluka goes off on a tangent about the quality of cheap headbands and Killua’s eyes widen while looking at a seahorse, Gon finds that he doesn’t care as much as he probably should. He hadn’t planned on doing anything for his birthday other than seeing Killua—that was a gift in and of itself—and is touched that they thought of taking him out for a day in the city. 

A lady and her kids start walking their way and Killua has to move to let them by; his clothed arm brushes Gon’s bare one and the touch is so light that Gon shouldn’t have felt it at all. He does, though, and goosebumps instantly erupt on his skin. 

What the hell was that, Gon thinks to himself incredulously. Killua’s already leaned away again and the bumps still remain. No, seriously. What the fuck. 

“How did you guys know I would be at the airport?” He suddenly asks to give himself a distraction. Alluka blinks at him, eyes wide—he must have cut her off. 

“Oh, we didn’t. It’s a funny story, actually. See, I told brother that we should just call you, like a normal person , but then he got all embarrassed-” 

“Alluka!” Killua hisses. 

“And was like, ‘No! We can’t call and ask where he wants to meet! ’” Alluka continues, unphased at the interruption. When mimicking Killua’s voice, she makes her own high and whiny. “So then he looked up where flights would be coming in from—honest to god, looked it up, like a nerd— and bet that you would be where you actually were. Weird. I asked him what we would do if you decided to run here or something, but he seemed pretty confident that you wouldn’t.” 

That’s so… Killua. “I thought about taking a train, you know. Sight-seeing before I came here.” 

“Liar,” The white-haired boy butts in again. Gon’s just happy that he gets to hear Killua’s voice. “You’re just saying that to throw me off my game. I have good hunches.” 

Gon can’t argue with that. It’s almost irritating, how easily he can be read even after two years of separation. The irritation is quickly swept away by a warm, fuzzy feeling that Gon rather likes, however, and he finds that he doesn’t mind. 

Alluka eventually complains about being hungry (in addition to around forty other problems that Gon now knows every detail about,) so they decide to grab some food and take a seat near the dolphins. Or, at least, that’s what Gon and Killua do—Alluka can’t seem to sit still long enough to eat with them, getting up from their bench with a slice of pizza in hand and leaving to stand right in front of the glass. A toddler pulls on her skirt and points to a dolphin swimming through blue water and she nods enthusiastically; they start to talk as if Alluka can magically speak baby language. Maybe she can. 

“I was thinking that we could walk around the city some more,” Killua starts in a quiet voice. He’s staring down at his food. “After this, I mean. And then go get dinner somewhere, and head to Wing’s. Or bring food there. Take-out?” 

Gon must not chew fast enough, because Killua mistakes his silence for a firm no. “We don’t have to, though. Um. It’s whatever you want, ‘cause it’s your birthday.” 

“No, that’s fine!” Gon agrees, waving a hand and shaking his head. “That sounds perfect, thanks. I’m excited to see Zushi again.” 

Killua stares for a second before a soft smile graces his features. It sort of feels like the air was stolen straight out of Gon’s lungs. “Yeah. Alluka and Nanika are excited, too. They haven’t really been around other teens, and I told Nanika that these guys are okay to switch near. She’ll take advantage of that.” He picks up his drink to take a sip. 

It’s then, with Killua’s hand wrapped around the cup, that Gon notices his nails are painted. A deep, dark black color that contrasts with the paleness of his skin; Gon stares in poorly hidden awe. Killua’s hands have always been beautiful, as weird as it sounds, with slender fingers that conceal a strength and gracefulness he has never seen elsewhere. He gets the urge to compliment them.

“Going through your emo phase?” The brunet asks instead, not having the decency to feel guilty. He gestures towards the nails that glint with the sunlight and then subtly glances up to look at the eyeliner surrounding his friend’s eyes. 

“Go to hell,” Killua responds, but he’s smiling; the grin is small but it’s there. 

Gon hums a bit. “I like it, the makeup and polish. It looks really nice. You look really nice.” 

Killua’s face sours almost imperceptibly, like he bit into a lemon, and Gon expects a shove to the arm. Maybe a hissed insult, a threat to shut the fuck up. No such comment occurs and he’s mildly shocked—Killua from two years ago would have hit him, no doubt. 

It is quiet for another moment, both boys watching as Alluka talks animatedly with her hands to the nearby zookeeper. She points to the dolphins, much like that toddler had done to her, and visibly giggles when the other answers something. The slice of pizza is long gone.

“Thank you,” Killua finally mutters, looking like he wants to squirm. Gon laughs and dodges the swipe at his bicep by sliding down the bench, heart nearly giving out when Killua instantly follows him and stops much closer than they had previously been. Their shoulders would brush if Gon relaxed. 

Gon takes a minute to appreciate how Killua actually accepted the compliment—that’s unheard of. Has Alluka and Nanika been giving him lessons on basic human decency or something? 

He kind of wants to touch Killua again. Another hug, maybe, or just a poke at his side to make sure that he is real. Real flesh and blood and not some words sent through a text at three in the morning. That’s weird though, right? It’s definitely weird. Acknowledging it doesn’t make the craving go away, unfortunately, and Gon’s really about to do something stupid. 

The brunet almost jumps out of his skin when Killua is the one to relax, arms now pressing together the faintest amount. The point of contact is one of the sharpest sensations he has ever felt and Gon is left temporarily stupefied because when did Killua get this bold? Is he even noticing this? Wait, was this on purpose? Why am I thinking so much instead of looking at dolphins? 

That last thought is what snaps him out of his slight reverie. This shit is fucking ridiculous.

“It’s really good to see you again,” Gon comments; he cringes instantly. That wasn’t meant to come out of his mouth. Oops. “I mean. Yeah.” 

Killua laughs. “Yeah, I feel the same…” He kicks his leg. “This is so awkward.” 

Gon lets out a gasp of breath that he didn’t realize he was holding in. “It really is, isn’t it?” 

He and Killua giggle and the heavy weight sitting on Gon’s shoulders gets lifted. At least they can joke about their situation, as tense as it is. Neither mention what they are going to do tonight, or the day after that—is Gon supposed to travel with them? Is he going home? Killua never said how long he’s planning on staying here; Gon doesn’t want to go home. 

Alluka skips over to their bench and gives them an observant glance over. She eyes their empty hands with a subdued smile. 

“You guys done?” She asks. Something about their position must be extremely funny because the girl’s lips are twitching like she’s holding back a laugh. “That employee said that there’s about to be a penguin feeding, but it’s on the other side of the building. We gotta hurry!” 

Gon stands up and Killua follows. “We decided on take-out later, so no more snacks while we are here,” Killua announces. He fixes his sister with a rather firm look for such lighthearted scolding. “I gotta call four-eyes and let him know, be right back.” 

The oldest teen cringes at the name, watching as Killua walks away to pull out his phone. At least his friend’s crude humor has stayed as diligent as ever. Killua puts the device to his ear and starts talking too quietly for Gon to pick out over the crowd.

“So…” Alluka starts, drawing out the word. She’s fondly watching her brother, too. “Whatcha think so far?”

“Of what?”

She waves around a hand. “The aquarium. The city. Your birthday. I dunno.”

“Oh, it’s awesome! Yeah, everything is great so far. Thanks.” 

She makes a noncommittal sound and glances around. Gon copies the movement, taking in the view of adults and children alike being amazed by certain breeds of fish. The dolphins are getting rowdy now, swimming around the large tank faster than before, and there are at least five people taking pictures of the spectacle. 

“How about Killua, then,” The girl casually questions after a moment. “Whatcha think about him?” 

Gon nearly chokes on his spit, feeling his cheeks start to darken. Alluka is certainly not as sweet and innocent as the girl he left at the World Tree—how is he supposed to answer a question like that? What does that even mean? 

“It’s good to see him,” Gon manages to say without coughing. “Of course. Y’know?”

“Right, yeah, mhm,” Alluka agrees, bobbing her head. Her shoulders shake with restrained laughter. “Totally.” 

Gon squints at her, feeling a little miffed. He leans closer. “Fine, then. What do you think about everything so far? I heard you’re excited to visit Wing’s.” 

“Oh, I am! Zushi’s my age, right? And your guys’ friend? That’s, like, all of my requirements for a best friend. The bar is on the floor.”

The brunet laughs loudly. “Me, yeah. Not sure if Killua would really consider Zushi a friend, though, ‘cause they kinda started on the wrong foot. It’s been a while, too.” 

This seems to concern Alluka for a second. She shifts, almost nervously, and looks to where her brother is still on the phone. Gon wonders where the sudden apprehension came from; the girl brings her hand up to fiddle with a strand of hair and looks lost in thought. Maybe Nanika is saying something. 

“That…” She finally mutters. “Isn’t good. I thought they were good friends. Just my luck, really. I should have known that you’re his only friend, the loser. This sucks.” 

Gon blinks. “Is there a reason why you wanted them to be or something?” He brings up a hand to poke at her forehead and she doesn’t react quickly enough to stop him. “Got some evil ideas up there?” 

“They are good ideas, thank you very much. I am nothing but pure kindness. And if I did, I wouldn’t tell you! Now be quiet, Killua’s heading this way.” 

Sure enough, when Gon turns Killua is magically in front of them and seeming more suspicious than ever. He gives them both a glance over and narrows his eyes, gaze lingering on his sibling as if Gon couldn’t possibly be conspiring with her. It’s both insulting and funny. 

“I don’t trust you,” He says to her. “What were you just talking about?”

“How badly I want to see the penguins, duh!” Alluka replies with the most realistically genuine smile Gon has ever seen. “Gosh, brother, nosy much?” 

Killua rolls his eyes, gives Gon an exasperated look, but lets himself be dragged along anyway.

Alluka, as it seems, takes a great liking to Zushi. 

It’s… really cute, honestly. The trio had walked into Wing’s apartment, carrying armfuls of steaming food, and Alluka made a beeline for the boy. It makes sense: Alluka hasn’t been around other kid’s her age, from what both Killua and herself said. He doesn’t know if Killua let her stay around in one area long enough to develop any real friends, either. Gon heard that the duo was always on the move, both for fun and to throw off any family members that want to pick a fight. 

They bought a wide variety of things—seafood, mostly, because that’s Gon’s favorite. Zushi and Wing were thrilled to see them both again, smiling and clapping him on the back. He notices that Zushi finally let go of his old karate gi and now wears plain clothes and Gon kind of gets weirdly emotional over it. That outfit had sentimental value. 

Gon can’t sense nen anymore, but there’s still this vibe that strong people have; he definitely feels it from Zushi. He gets an itch to ask for a sparring session despite knowing he would lose. 

Wing took his plate to eat on the balcony. Something about an important phone call that Gon didn’t care enough to listen to, but the newly available space on the couch is nice. Alluka and Zushi are on the couch opposite him and Killua, which is unexpected but welcome. He takes a bite of fish. 

At some point during their conversation, Alluka picks up her hand to wave it around dramatically. Recounting her and her brother’s adventures requires an overwhelming amount of eagerness. When the hand is finally done flying through the air, it lands suspiciously close to Zushi’s, who stiffens. 

Killua glares at Zushi’s hand as if the poor boy had planned this entire thing. Gon is sure that loud, panicked alarms are ringing through their friend’s head—Gon can’t blame him. Killua is fucking scary. 

Still staring at the placement of his sister’s neatly manicured nails, Killua’s lips pucker the tiniest bit. His upper lip curls, and then his nose scrunches, and even Gon starts to sweat a little. The white-haired boy suddenly bursts into loud and realistic-sounding laughter, but Gon gets the distinct feeling that it is anything but genuine. 

“Hm? What’s so funny?” Alluka asks with a lilting, innocent smile. 

“Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about the day that me and Zushi met,” Killua recalls with an obnoxiously large grin. Zushi instantly winces at the memory. “We fought, remember?” 

Alluka gasps and turns to the boy next to her. “You fought brother at Heaven’s Arena? Really? Did you win?” 

“Nope,” Killua answers for him. “Not even close, sorry. It was a pretty easy match.” 

Zushi simply sits there, glances around, and makes no move to speak. It's not like he could deny the loss, after all. Gon still feels bad. 

“Really?” Gon interrupts. “It wasn’t so easy when Zushi kept getting up after all your hits though, huh?” He ignores the absolutely scathing look Killua sends his way; the brunet has long since become immune to those glares. Besides, someone has to stand up for the nearly-trembling teen in front of them. 

Alluka leans even closer to Zushi. The girl's eyes are sparkling. “You took several of my brother’s hits when you were that young?” She questions in awe. “That’s amazing! You must be so strong!” 

Gon watches as Killua’s eye twitches at the display, his plan backfiring. Gon shrugs his shoulders. Whatever, it was deserved. 

“Oh, it isn’t a big deal,” Zushi laughs nervously, eyes flitting everywhere but Alluka’s face. Gon mentally applauds his effort to diffuse the situation, as futile as it seems. “It was a long time ago, and Killua hadn’t even learned nen yet. I’m not that strong.” 

Gon can’t tell if the younger teen is trying to be genuinely humble or not. Knowing Zushi, he probably is, but girls dig that thing where you act all modest. Killua must notice this, too, because his stare becomes that much more piercing. 

“It’s true,” Killua agrees with a sweet voice. Despite knowing that it’s fake, it still sounds heavenly to Gon’s ears. “I could kick your ass very easily now. Oh, that would be fun, actually! Let’s have a rematch!” 

Zushi goes incredibly pale. “No, it’s alright. I think I’ll pass.” 

“I insist.”

“Uh, no, really! There’s no point.” 

“Excuse me? You think you could beat me or something?” 

“Wait, no, I never said-” 

Alluka holds her hand up to silence them both. “Brother, knock it off and stop trying to pick a fight. You’re being rude.” 

Killua sniffs, petulant, but otherwise goes quiet for the time being. Gon has to resist laughing out loud—Alluka and Nanika have him trained and on a leash. Amazing. He can’t blame Killua, though, because the sisters are extremely persuasive and adorable. It would be hard to resist complying with their every demand; after two years of traveling, Killua has probably become the equivalent of a walking doormat. 

“Happy birthday, by the way,” Zushi mentions. “Sorry, I forgot to say that earlier. How old are you?”

“Sixteen,” Gon replies, smiling. “What about you?”

“Oh, my birthday’s in the summer. I’m turning fifteen on August 27th!” 

Gon thinks he hears Killua hiss fucking Virgo under his breath, but he could have misheard.

“Cool!” Alluka butts in. “I’m three months older than you! Mines in a couple of weeks, May 24th.” 

The younger pair starts an enthusiastic conversation about birthdays that somehow leads to favorite ice cream flavors and then to nen abilities. The topic would normally interest Gon, but Killua is now refusing to talk and he doesn’t have much to share about the subject anyway. It’s been years since he’s been able to summon jajanken and the reminder leaves a bitter taste in the back of his mouth. He briefly wonders if Wing would have any advice for him since he’s right there to ask. 

Gon had entertained the idea of contacting Bisky back on Whale Island but decided against it, both out of embarrassment and for his own safety; she would have probably blown his eardrums out by yelling. 

The television is playing some cheesy romance movie in the distance and Gon can faintly hear Wing talking on the phone. That, paired with Alluka and Zushi’s chatter, is arguably one of the most comforting environments Gon has ever had the pleasure of being in. He still can’t believe he’s here— sometimes, back home, he felt like he would never leave. It took months of hyping himself up to ask Killua if the teen wanted to meet again, and even then Gon was afraid that the answer would be a concise and sharp no. But to his amazement, Killua agreed and is now sitting next to him one month later. It makes Gon want to smile so hard that his cheeks hurt. 

There are problems, of course. Like, for example, he’s been with Killua for half a day now and can count the number of conversations they’ve had alone on one hand. Having Alluka as a buffer between them is a lifesaver; Gon makes a mental note to thank her later. He just doesn’t know what to say, which is stupid because there were ten million things he could have told Killua when he was on Whale Island. But Killua knows what he did for two years (a whole lot of nothing) and Gon knows what he and Alluka did for two years because of how much she’s told him. They had texted back and forth the bare necessities. He’s already talked about everything that seems safe. 

Well… Gon could compliment Killua again, if just to see a pretty blush form on his cheeks. That was always a fun thing to do to kill free time. Is it too soon to start acting like how they were, though? It probably is. 

Killua is so close yet so far. He feels just out of reach even while sitting only a couple of inches away. Gon has a sneaking suspicion that if he tried to gather the other boy up in his arms, Killua would slip through his fingers like grains of sand and float away in the wind… or something equally as poetic and depressing. Analogies have never been Gon’s strong suit. 

“These couches are really spacious, don’t you think?” Killua’s voice snaps Gon out of his thoughts. He must be making another attempt to scare Zushi off. Gon’s eyes refocus and he realizes that Alluka got even closer to Zushi, somehow, and it’s kind of endearing—Killua might kill him if he said that out loud, so he keeps quiet. 

“Yeah,” Alluka agrees with a sudden edge to her voice. “They must have been pretty expensive to have this much room, huh?” 

The siblings make intense eye contact for a second; it’s kind of like a catfight. Hackles raised and claws out. 

“Speaking of room, maybe you should give Zushi some. You just met and you’re already suffocating him. Rather impolite, if you ask me.” 

“No one asked. Also, you’re a hypocrite.”

Killua makes an offended noise. “Enlighten me, then.”

“Are you joking?” She says, incredulous. “You’ve been clinging onto Gon ever since we saw him! Have you been more than five feet away from him at any point today? Look at how you’re sitting. Go ahead.” 

Gon glances at their position on the couch. Sure enough, he and Killua are nearly pressed together, leaving only an inch or two between them. Gon gets the uncanny urge to cuss at the girl, because if Killua moves away due to this call-out then Gon might scream. 

“Irrelevant,” Killua comments without leaning away. Gon thanks every god he can think of. “This conversation isn’t about me, by the way.” 

“Sounds like you're bitter,” She says with a light voice. Her eyes, however, are reduced to slits. “Jealous, maybe-” 

“Ah, ah,” Killua tsks, aggressively shaking his head. “Keep on talking and we are leaving . I’ll godspeed us out of here before you could even blink.” 

Alluka opens her mouth, thinks for a second, and then closes it. It’s kind of upsetting, because Gon wanted to hear what she had to say. He isn’t sure what godspeed means either; it makes a warm curiosity bubble up in his chest. 

Zushi squirms in his seat but seems intent on minding his own business. Good for him. 

“Nanika wants to introduce herself,” The girl randomly announces with a faraway look in her eyes. She doesn’t wait for anyone to reply and the room suddenly grows cold with aura. Her features morph into black holes quicker than Gon’s eyes can perceive—when the change stops, he waves a hand. 

“Hi, Nanika!” He greets with a large smile despite the sudden change in events. Killua had mentioned that he told Nanika it was safe to switch around these guys. “It’s nice to see you again. You look pretty.”

“‘Kay,” Is the reply. She giggles. “Pretty.” 

Killua pinches the bridge of his nose. “Alluka didn’t even wait for me to give an all-clear. Does our little system mean nothing to you both? Seriously? Good evening, Nanika.” 

All of the color has drained from Zushi’s face and Gon belatedly realizes that Killua must have not told him about Nanika. Gon personally thinks that’s a dick move, but most of the things that Killua does are. Her aura had been chilling the first time he felt it, too.

“Oh, right,” Killua offhandedly waves his hand. “That’s my other sister, Nanika. Say hello to her.” 

“U-um, okay. Hi Nanika, it’s nice to meet you. My n-name is Zushi.” 

The boy holds out a hand awkwardly, as if he doesn’t know if that response is appropriate. Gon assumes that Nanika stares at it for a second (it’s hard to tell when she doesn’t have pupils), and then smiles widely. She clumsily holds his hand between both of her own and giggles again. 

“Mm, hi,” Nanika says, stretching out the vowels. “Zu… zus… ee?” 

Zushi blinks at her once, twice, and then utterly melts. He nods with vigor and grins, complimenting her and gently correcting her pronunciation. Nanika loves praise, if Gon remembers correctly, so this instant chemistry is adorable. He kind of wants to take a picture. 

Killua finds none of it humorous. “That’s the first fucking name she’s said other than mine and yours,” He whispers with grit teeth. “I’m gonna kill this bastard.” 

Gon doesn’t understand how it’s Zushi’s fault but nods regardless. Staying on Killua’s good side is his first priority at the moment. 

“Wait,” He murmurs back despite not needing to; the pair in front of them are plenty loud enough to cover their conversation. “Nanika can say my name?” 

The anger fades from his friend’s face; it’s slowly replaced by a light flush. Killua shifts and looks around, gaze finally settling somewhere near Gon’s foot that’s balanced precariously on the coffee table. Wing would scold him if the man saw how close it is to their food. 

“She picked up on it a couple of weeks after the World Tree,” Killua admits. “I may have talked about you a lot.”

He talked about me a lot, Gon thinks. He feels kind of dizzy. That’s a good sign. The brunet hears a distant bye-bye and then Alluka’s bubbly voice returns, but he’s staring too hard at Killua to look.  The younger teen’s gaze eventually moves from his foot to make eye contact and they stay like that for a couple of seconds—at least, until Killua starts to frown as he realizes something. 

“Hold on,” He talks to no one in particular. “Nanika didn’t say bye to me. She always says bye… what the fuck?” 

“She had other priorities, brother,” Alluka explains with a saccharine smile. “Sucks to be you.” 

“Who had other priorities?” Wing asks, catching the last of the conversation as he enters the room; Gon nods to him and resists laughing when the man reaches over the couch to ruffle Killua’s hair. The teen is secretly glad that his mentor’s phone call ended when it did because Gon is slowly learning that Alluka has become a little shit over the years. Gon’s willing to bet that it’s due to Killua’s influence. 

All mirth drops from the girl’s expression. “Mr. Wing! You just missed Nanika, but don’t worry. She’ll be back later.” Alluka yawns, blushing when she couldn’t cover her mouth in time. 

“Are you tired?” Killua instantly questions, sitting up straight. He checks his phone. “It’s kind of getting late, actually, and we haven’t even checked into the hotel yet. We should probably get going.” 

“Oh, right,” Alluka starts; she sounds a bit nervous, which is concerning. “About that. Uh, I’m not going to the hotel.” 

It goes quiet. “What?” 

“I mean, I’m staying here. I already asked Mr. Wing if it would be okay and he said yes,” She glances at him for support, and the older man nods. 

Killua starts to look a little… panicked. “What? When? And why?” 

“I figured you and Gon would appreciate some time alone, so I stole your phone earlier and texted Mr. Wing for permission.” 

Gon’s mouth almost drops open—Alluka’s giving him a chance to talk to Killua privately. He loves this girl. He has to pay her back, somehow; what do fourteen-year-old girls like? Money? A high-five? Gon could do that. 

“Some time alone…” Killua repeats under his breath, clearly not as grateful as Gon for such an opportunity. “When did you swipe my phone, the hell? I have a password!” 

“Your password is just my birthday. When I snooped through your phone is beside the point. I read all of your notes, by the way. I’m pretty sure that app isn’t meant to be used as a diary, but you do you.” 

“You are a menace,” Killua murmurs, scandalized. He glowers at Zushi, who isn’t to blame in the slightest. “Even if I let you stay, where would you sleep? There are only two rooms.” 

Alluka’s cheeks pinken even further. “I… wait. I didn’t think that far ahead! Shut up! And I can do whatever I want, thank you. There’s no letting me.”  

“I can sleep on the couch!” Zushi hastily squeaks. The brunet probably sensed where Killua’s mind was heading. “And she can take my bed! Or I could sleep in my room at Heaven’s Arena. It’s not a big deal!” 

“Oh, really? I’ll show you a big deal, hotshot.” 

“Nope, nope, nope!” His sister waves her hands and stands up, frantically gesturing for Gon to get up as well. He obliges and Killua has no choice but to follow, getting pushed by Alluka as she ushers them out of the door. “Nope. Go on, get out of here. Hurry up. Have fun and don’t come back until this,” She vaguely makes a circle around them both, “Is sorted out. Breakfast will be waffles, and you know I like to wake up early. Bye!” 

The door is slammed behind them, bags magically appearing at their sides, and Gon blinks. That was poorly executed. He glances over to Killua, who looks slightly nauseous; guess he has to take the reins from here. 

“Okay,” Gon says while picking up his backpack and one of Killua’s duffles. “To the hotel, yeah?” 

The walk to where they are staying is short and silent, Gon getting more nervous the closer they get to their destination. Killua seems intent on not speaking—whether it’s purposeful or because he’s lost in thought, Gon can’t tell. 

Killua talks to the receptionist without preamble, getting a key and following Gon into the elevator. His jaw nearly drops out of his socket upon seeing the size of their room; a more accurate description is a medium-sized apartment. It must have cost a fortune, especially in this city and so close to Heaven’s Arena. 

Gon sets down his bags in one of the two available rooms. He really hopes that Killua is in a reasonable mood; his friend said that they could talk more later, but how soon is that? Killua is the smartest person Gon knows, so he does not doubt that the boy understands Alluka’s intentions. He walks back out into the common area where Killua is already sitting on the couch. 

He’s fidgeting slightly, twirling a long strand of hair between his fingers. That must be new, because the act of fidgeting in a normal sense had been drilled out of Killua a long time ago now. The only other example of a nervous tick that Killua displays would be putting his hands in his pockets, maybe, but that habit is more discreet. 

“Hey,” Gon greets, slowly creeping closer and sitting down a decent length away. 

Killua stares at him. “Hi.” 

It’s silent long enough for Gon to want to squirm but he resists. He’s gotten better at being able to sit still and breathe after two years at Whale Island where there wasn’t much else to do than just that. Mito says he probably has ADHD. 

“This is humiliating,” Killua finally mutters. “And awkward.” 

“Is it?” The brunet ponders, looking around. Going from loads of background noise to virtually none is jarring. “I don’t think it is.” 

“Your sense of embarrassment is nonexistent.” 

Gon just smiles. The other boy finally tucks the piece of hair he was playing with behind his ear; around half of it catches and the other half falls back into place. The action reveals some pretty ear cuffs and earrings. Gon blinks at the shiny metal, willing to bet that Alluka bought them.

“I like your earrings,” He compliments. 

Killua gives him a dirty look. “You can stop trying to sweeten me up now. It’s weird.”

“I’m not! I’m just being honest. It’s not my fault if you are becoming sweeter.” 

The white-haired teen glares at him for a second, cheeks tinted pink, and then glances away. Gon considers that a small victory, even as Killua’s mouth stays stubbornly shut and they merge into another silence; this time it’s not as tense as the last. Gon doesn’t think that he could ever be uncomfortable while Killua is near. 

It’s kind of funny how different Killua acts around him when there are others around versus alone. He becomes quieter and reserved—not any less bratty, though. Gon can’t help but wonder why. Because he’s more comfortable, the brunet hopes, or something along those lines. 

The other teen clears his throat lightly and Gon refocuses his attention back on him. Killua points at his arm. 

“You have a scar,” Killua casually points out, as if he’s trying to sound nonchalant. Gon glances down at it himself and almost cringes. 

Not the topic I was expecting, he thinks to himself grimly. That sucks. 

“I have many scars,” Gon eventually replies, half-smiling. He thumbs over the scar tissue subconsciously; it wraps a perfect ring around his right arm and clearly shows where the limb had been severed years ago. “But yeah. Gnarly, right?” 

Killua makes a noncommittal sound. “I guess.” 

Gon watches the way that Killua stares at the disfigured skin for a little longer than necessary. He doesn’t feel self-conscious of it, but it does bring a sense of guilt every time he catches a glimpse of it in a mirror or while moving his arm. 

“I like it,” Gon continues. “It forces me to remember stuff I would rather forget. Like a reminder.”  

“That’s stupid. Why would you like that?” 

The brunet blinks. “Um, I mean. I worded that wrong. I don’t like the reminder, I… need it. Yeah, need is a better word for it.” 

Killua doesn’t respond, looking away from his arm and glancing around the room. He’s twirling a new piece of his hair around his finger; the action is getting quicker the longer they both sit there. The silence is suffocating. Gon’s previous confidence from the airport is long gone—now he has no idea how to start this conversation. Might as well just go for it. 

“Listen, Killua,” Gon sighs. He has to bite the bullet at some point. “I’m just going to talk, okay? And you can interrupt me anytime.” 

Killua’s eyes settle on his own once again and stay there, neither encouraging nor discouraging; that’s probably the only permission that Gon is going to get. He takes a deep breath in. There are so many things he could begin his apology with. Too many. 

“I missed you,” He blurts out without quite meaning to. The blond’s eyebrows raise the slightest bit. “A lot. I didn’t realize how awful it would be to go from having someone by your side every day to not having them there at all. It was horrible. There were so many times when I turned my head to say something to a person that wasn’t next to me.

“And that’s—that’s the thing, really. You were always there. I don’t think I told you how much I appreciate you enough. I… took you for granted a lot. I’m sorry.” 

Gon grimaces at the memories and Killua watches the movement. The younger teen doesn’t do more than shift a little at the speech, lips sealed and eyebrows furrowed. Gon wonders what’s going on in his head. 

“I had a lot of time to think about what you said back at the hospital. I didn’t even realize what you had meant then, but it makes sense now. I upset you when I didn’t want you to come with me, right? To fight Pitou? I- that was really shitty of me. I know. But, um, Killua…” 

He pauses to swallow thickly. Gon has thought about this a lot . 

“This is going to sound horrible, okay, but… I don’t regret how things turned out.”

At this Killua finally has a flash of shock run across his features. He blinks and swings his legs up onto the couch to face Gon completely. He leans forward and Gon resists the urge to lean backward. 

“What?” Killua hisses. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

Gon is determined to not back down, goddamn it. “Exactly what I said. I don’t regret how things turned out. I was… angry, back then, but I think a small part of me still was rational enough to know that you couldn’t die. It’s probably one of the reasons why I didn’t let you come with me. I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if you died,” His voice drops to a whisper. “That wasn’t a possibility. It will never be one.” 

The blond gasps loudly, obnoxiously. His mouth is hanging open in disbelief and Gon sees his hands flex out of his peripheral. 

“I don’t give a shit about your stupid…  hero complex, or something!” The younger teen all but yells, furiously shaking his head back and forth. He points an accusing finger at Gon’s face. “You promised me that we would go together and then you left to get yourself killed alone. Imagine how I felt. Can you please try to imagine how I felt?” 

Killua sniffles quietly and Gon realizes that his eyes are misty. 

“Not even just during the battle,” He continues. “Imagine what it was like to have to carry you back afterward. Or see you in a hospital on the verge of death. But that doesn’t matter, right? As long as I don’t have a scratch on me, you’re free to do as you please, right? Fuck you. Your logic is such bullshit, Gon.”

“Your logic is just as bad!” Gon instantly protests. He can’t even disagree with what Killua is saying. “One of us deserved to come out of there alive and it wasn’t going to be me. The whole thing was my fault.” 

“It was nobody’s fault, dumbass! Pitou was stronger than me, you, and Kite combined. That’s it. End of story. You- you took this burden when you didn’t have to. I wanted to help you carry it.” 

The brunet says nothing—he doesn’t know how to respond. Gon won’t take back what he said because he meant it, but now Killua is wiping stray tears off of his cheeks with a pale hand and he can’t think straight. This isn’t going the way he wanted it to.

Killua laughs. The sound is bitter. “This is so typical. Here I am, hoping that you are going to properly apologize, and instead you say that you don’t even regret hurting me. Why did I expect any better?” 

“I do regret hurting you,” Gon corrects, firm. Should he reach out? “So much. I never want to see you hurt. I’m sorry for my actions, I really, really am, but I’m not sorry for how things ended. And I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense.” 

There isn’t any reply other than soft sniffs and the sound of Killua readjusting in his seat. The older teen has only seen Killua cry one other time—at the hospital—and the sight still brings a heavy feeling in his chest. 

“Despite all of that,” Gon finally resumes. “I promise to do better next time, Killua. I never want to hurt you again. That probably doesn’t sound realistic, but it’s true. We’re a team, right? You are my best friend. Friends don’t hurt friends.” 

Killua’s eyes widen. He goes still for a couple of seconds, like he isn’t sure if he’s allowed to move, and then slowly gives a single nod. It’s more of a tilt of his head than anything; Gon is just glad that the rage in his eyes has faded and the crease in his forehead has smoothed out. Killua’s anger is like a fire, sometimes: burning, hot and bright, but dying quickly. Minutes pass by with them just sitting there, taking in the situation and each other's presence. 

Seconds pass and Gon realizes that he wants to be the one wiping at Killua’s tears. Ignoring the burning sensation behind his own irises, a hand ghosts near the blond without Gon’s permission, hovering and unsure. 

“Can I… hug you?” He asks. 

Killua doesn’t answer; the boy nods one last time and Gon instantly rushes in, rearranging himself on the couch to be able to properly hug. They both have wet eyes and snotty noses and Gon can feel hot tears falling onto his shoulder. It’s gross but alleviating. 

The brunet’s lips are somewhere near Killua’s ear. “Are you mad?” 

“At your lousy attempt at an apology?” The response is muffled against his skin. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I should be.”

“You should, yeah.”

“I’m not, though,” Killua sighs. “It’s impossible to stay mad at you. You- I forgave you right away, you know. Even when you were hooked up to a million different machines after trying to kill yourself. I tried to be angry, but I think I knew that deep down you were already forgiven. Holding you accountable is fucking impossible.” 

“I’m sorry,” Gon repeats. Killua squeezes him tighter. 

“You’re Gon,” He says simply, tone clipped as if it’s obvious. As if that fact in and of itself is the only excuse necessary. The teen shrugs a little and the action causes them to both move. “And I’m Killua.”

“I’ll do better,” The older boy promises again. “I swear it. My apology is shitty and my logic is shitty, I know, but this promise isn’t. I didn’t consider your feelings at all for a long time and that isn’t fair. It needs to change.” 

Killua pulls back to look at him. His eyes are bloodshot but Gon is sure that he looks equally as bad. “This isn’t like… a free pass. You still did terrible things to me,” He quiets a bit and looks down. “But I’m happy that you actually recognized what you did wrong. I didn’t know if you cared enough to.” 

“I’m stupid,” Gon agrees. “Most of the time. I can be smart if it’s for you, though.” 

Gon swears that Killua’s cheeks color; it’s hard to see in the darkness of the room. It must be pretty late by now.

“That sounds so dumb.” 

“It’s true!” He insists. Gon loves the way that Killua’s lips quirk up and make his tears less painful to watch. “I’m being serious!” 

Killua giggles quietly. The laugh is wet and unattractive and Gon missed it so much. He can’t help but laugh too. They definitely look ridiculous, sitting in a dimly lit hotel room and chuckling with tears streaming down their faces, yet Gon doesn’t care. 

The sudden urge to demonstrate how badly he wants to stay with this mystery of a boy is nearly unbearable.

“Killua,” Gon starts. He feels strangely nervous. “I want to go with you. Wherever you go. I… want to stay by your side, for however long you’ll let me.” 

“Moron,” Killua insults with a voice full of affection. “Hasn’t that been the plan the whole time?” 

A pale hand lifts up to knock at the door. Gon kind of wants to groan at how loud the sound is—he’s had a headache ever since he woke up this morning. A night of crying left him with a pounding near his temples. He presses his forehead in between Killua’s shoulder blades for a second, realizes what he’s doing, and quickly pulls away. 

The door swings open to reveal Alluka’s wide stare. Killua’s sister is ready for the day despite the early hour, dressed and makeup on, hair done. She glances at her brother and then at the teen behind him, gaze flitting between their bloodshot eyes and closeness. The sight is pathetic, no doubt, but she smiles regardless. 

“Yay!” The girl cheers, clapping and moving out of the way to let them inside. “Aww, look at you two making up! Someone write this on a calendar. It’ll be, like, an anniversary.” 

“Alluka…” Killua threatens. He rubs at his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah,” She waves him off. “It was about time, my god. I assume this means Gon won’t be going back to Whale Island, hm?” Alluka doesn’t wait for a response, giggling. “Duh, why am I even asking. Okay, come on. Me and Zushi were just playing Uno—he’ll reshuffle for you guys to join. Mr. Wing is making breakfast!” 

She leads them to the dining room table. Gon follows Killua, secretly agreeing when the boy mutters something about it being too fucking early. They hadn’t slept the best last night, even when Gon gave up on resting in his own room and snuck into Killua’s. 

He sits down in the chair directly next to Killua and flashes Zushi a smile. The younger teen looks tired, too, but Alluka has enough enthusiasm to make up for what everyone else lacks. 

After ten minutes of playing, Gon isn’t exactly winning, but he isn’t losing, either. Alluka currently holds the most cards and Zushi the least. Zushi lays down a draw four and calls red; Killua’s grip around his hand tightens as he adds more to the collection. Gon briefly considers switching seats. 

“You seem better, brother,” Alluka comments as she puts a card down in the middle. 

Killua stiffens, like he doesn’t want to talk about it in front of so many people. Gon is mildly surprised—the white-haired boy is a private person and he isn’t sure what Alluka is trying to do by bringing personal stuff up so randomly. She has him caught.

“Um… I feel better, thanks,” He manages to choke out even when Zushi hits him with another draw two. Killua sends the boy a menacing look and Zushi pointedly glances away. 

A hum. “So, when do you think you are going to be leaving? I know you mentioned visiting Leorio next, right?” 

“We can leave in, I dunno, a couple of days?” Killua offhandedly answers as he picks up cards. He doesn’t have a yellow in his rapidly growing hand, obviously. He finally finds one and slaps it down with a victorious smirk as if he isn’t losing the most at the moment. “And yeah, I thought about it. The old man might need a check-up.” 

“Really?” Gon interrupts, suddenly excited. “I haven’t seen Leorio in forever! He’ll be really happy to have us come over.” 

Alluka purses her lips. “Yeah, us… erm. Not to have a repeat of last night or anything, but I’m not coming with. Sorry to spring this on you, brother.” 

The room goes silent. Gon sees Zushi wince out of the corner of his eye. 

Killua narrows his eyes. “What.” 

“I’ve been thinking for a while,” Alluka says. “About how I should finally learn nen. The proper way. I mean, you’ve taught me a bunch of self-defense and stuff, but I still feel weak. And now that I’m here… I think this is a good opportunity for me! Mr. Wing is a nen teacher and Zushi is really proficient as well! Plus Heaven’s Arena is right there. Zushi said that with my current skills I could make it up to the 100’s in no time!” 

“Nen?” Killua gasps, scandalized. He throws his cards onto the table and stands up; Alluka does the same. “That’s not necessary. I told you that you should wait ‘till you’re older!”

Zushi places another card in the middle and Gon picks up four cards in response. It’s down to just two players now. 

“‘Wait ‘till I’m older’? That’s so dumb! When you were my age, you were fighting mutant ants and getting yourselves killed, remember? Besides, Zushi’s my age and he knows nen.” 

The blond’s mouth shuts with a click and he sends an accusatory glance Gon’s way. Gon shrinks back at its intensity—he probably is part of the blame. Alluka wouldn’t have dared to try something like this if it meant that Killua had to travel alone. She’s knowledgeable, in that way. 

Killua shifts his stare to Zushi, who squirms. Gon can practically see the gears turning in his head. 

“Is this because of him?” Killua accuses; a lithe finger is pointing at their friend. Zushi freezes and then slowly places down a red four as if moving at such a low speed would make him disappear completely. “It’s totally because of Zushi, isn’t it? You little shit!” 

Alluka’s jaw drops. “What? No! I said I’ve been thinking about this for a while, remember? He’s just a bonus!” 

Zushi sets his second to last card onto the pile and quietly murmurs uno. Gon curses. 

“I hate this,” The teen hisses. “I could teach you nen! I’m stronger than everyone here combined.” 

Gon startles a bit, unsure of why he’s getting dragged into this conversation. Isn’t this kind of cruel? He can’t even use nen right now. How offensive. 

“Nanika says you’re a liar,” Alluka sniffs. “And she’s right. You just want me to reluctantly agree and then you’ll go back on your word once we are far away from a real nen teacher.” 

Killua’s expression sours. “Nanika didn’t say shit! And that’s… not true.” 

“Yeah, uh-huh. As if I would believe that. If you can name one good reason for why I shouldn’t stay, then I won’t. I’ll tag along with you and Gon.” 

His mouth opens and she squints. “One good reason, brother.”

The mouth closes; Gon watches as Zushi finally places down his last card and wins the game. Figures. 

“She has a point, Killua,” Gon says slowly, thinking about each word with care. He doesn’t have an excuse to stay out of their conversation anymore. “We learned nen at twelve. I can relate to her feeling weak without it.” 

“Well, yeah, but…” His friend trails off. Gon gestures for him to sit back down and Killua does so hesitantly. “I still don’t like it.” 

“You don’t have to, but you’re her brother. You should support her.” 

Killua shifts in his seat like he’s being scolded. “That’s true…” He makes a noise in the back of his throat that is suspiciously close to a whine. “Fine. Fucking fine. I guess it’s reasonable.” 

Alluka rolls her eyes, but she’s beaming; her smile is contagious. She runs around the table to sneak behind Killua and plant a dry kiss on his cheek. 

“This isn’t just for me, though,” She reminds, nuzzling into his hair. “I was holding you back. Going certain places, doing certain things, ‘cause I don’t have nen. Now you and Gon can do all that stuff! I’ll catch up to you guys later, silly.” 

“I don’t have nen either, Alluka,” Gon points out with a frown. 

She lifts her head and puts a finger to her lips. “Yeah, for now. I have a hunch that you two will be able to figure it out. You’re gonna have to call me and let me know when you finally get it back—I think I’m placing bets.” 

Killua melts into her back hug, fond glint to his eyes despite himself, and doesn’t even flinch when he notices that Zushi won the game. Gon hears Wing banging some pots around in the kitchen; the man probably heard their loud, tense voices earlier and decided to hide in there for a while. Smart man. 

“Just because I’m agreeing doesn’t mean you’re off the hook,” Killua mentions after a minute. “You are going to have so many rules. You’re gonna have to answer my phone calls at least, like, twice a week. No going places without telling someone you’re going there, no-” 

“Oh my god, I get it!”

“No going out on dates-” 

Alluka slaps a hand over his mouth, horrified. “Shut up! Please, please shut up. Let’s discuss this later. Preferably never.”

Killua licks her palm and she removes it with a disgusted curve on her lips. She wipes the spit on his face and runs back to her seat, a happy skip to her step. 

“Okay,” The girl calls as she gathers the uno cards into a pile. “Rematch?”

Their goodbye is not particularly grand. Zushi and Gon hug. Wing offers a delicate hand for a shake. Alluka nearly squeezes the life out of him, tearing up and sniffling; Killua takes the chance to try and convince her to come with and she denies even while hiccuping a sob. 

“Are you sure?” The white-haired boy asks while frantically wiping at her eyes. “I think it might be better for you to just come with.”

She sniffs and whispers something in his ear that makes him flush, cheeks burning, and he abruptly stops drying her tears. Alluka laughs hard enough that Gon can’t tell if she’s crying from joy or sadness. 

“You are a fiend!” Killua mutters, embarrassed. “Fuck. Maybe I won’t miss you.”

Alluka gasps. “You don’t mean that! Geez, you’re so touchy. Just leave already. Call me later.” 

Killua starts smiling and then doesn’t stop. The expression looks good on him. 

The blond was upset for a couple of days, of course. Nagging Alluka into repeating all forty-two of his rules multiple times a day and only becoming satisfied when she misses less than three. The slight betrayal in his eyes lessened as their time together passed, though; Gon suspects that he finally started to realize that Alluka is trying to be a good sister. His feet have started to have a bounce to them, arms jittery with a newfound excitement at such an opportunity. Gon can tell from the gleam in his eye. 

“We’ll try and be back for your birthday in a couple of weeks,” Killua says, starting to make his way out of the door with a bag in each arm. “But no promises. Give me updates on your training as much as possible. I put Bisky’s number on your phone, in case you want to do some real work. Uh, no offense, Wing.”

“None taken,” Wing comments dryly, amusement flashing behind his glasses. “Have fun, boys.” 

Gon shares one last knowing look with Zushi and then waves, Killua copying the motion; the smile on their faces doesn’t fade even when they make it all the way down the stairs and into the busy street. Gon’s sure that his happiness must be palpable to every pedestrian walking near him, curling and twisting around his frame the same way nen should. He can see Heaven’s Arena in the distance. 

He hikes up his backpack father onto his shoulders. The older teen wonders if there’s a post office around—he should write to Aunt Mito. She’ll be overjoyed to hear the news. He should give Killua her note, too, the one that she made what feels like forever ago. Killua jabs an elbow into his side before he can get further lost in his thoughts.

“Okay, where to?” 

The brunet blinks. “I thought you said we were heading to Leorio’s place?”

“Well, yeah. We’ll get there eventually. I just thought we could take our time, no rush,” Killua suddenly glances at him, flighty. “If that’s okay with you, I mean.”

Gon is distantly reminded of a time where he was told to enjoy the little detours. Maybe Ging’s advice wasn’t so shitty after all. 

“Yeah, it’s cool,” Gon agrees with a smile. “I’ll follow you anywhere. Lead the way.”