Chapter Text
The day Bokuto moves out is the first day in almost eighteen months Akaashi has troube sleeping. Having issues with sleeping has always been a constant in his life, but living together with Bokuto, having someone he trusts with his life close by, has helped tremedously. Especially the way Bokuto always realized when Akaashi's anxiety got so bad it would lead to bad dreams and sleepless night and pulled him out of the dark spiral.
It has started some time during high school, the many nights he lay wide awake, staring at the dark ceiling and listening to his own heartbeat and the thoughts spiraling out of control. It got better with Bokuto, but now, it's the first night without familiar sounds from next door. No soft footsteps of Bokuto getting up in the middle of the night. No soft snoring, barely audible through the thin wall. No music to wake Akaashi up tomorrow morning.
Only the oppressive silence of their previously shared two-bedroom apartment. Now it's his own, Akaashi realizes. His own apartment. He will have to find a roommate. Bokuto thinks he already has someone in line, has already done everything necessary. Bokuto hasn't had the space in his head to look out for Akaashi. Then he'd know. Akaashi hasn't even took photos. Or drafted a text. Or even looked up how much the rent would be. Every time he's thought about it, there was this overwhelming sense of dread. He can't imagine anyone besides Bokuto living in the room on the other side of the wall.
But the only thing in Bokuto's head in those last few weeks has been the contract he signed. Two years, first string. Starting roster of the MSBY Black Jackals. Along side Miya Atsumu. Akaashi still remembers Miya. A genius setter, so much better than he himself ever was. He will be Bokuto's setter now and it hurts so much more than the last almost three and a half years. All those time, Bokuto played alongside so many people, but none of them were a direct replacement for Akaashi. But now. They will get along, he knows that. Bokuto will fit in perfectly with his new team and he will forget. Drift away, become the star he's destined to be and Akaashi will be forgotten. And he should be happy. Bokuto fulfilling his dreams has always been Akaashi's biggest source of happiness. But instead...
****
It takes Akaashi three days until he finds the energy to pick himself back up. Three days of slacking off. Of lying in bed until noon and skipping lunch in favour of cheap instant ramen. Of staring at the small gaps dotting the apartment where Bokuto left his footprints. Three days, then he has to get back to work. Has to continue writing his thesis, there is only so much time left. Has to get his apartment back in shape. There's only so time until his money runs out and he can't pay their apartment anymore.
His, a voice in the back of his head reminds him. His apartment. It's his now, Bokuto is gone and Akaashi hasn't heard from him in three days. It's the way things are supposed to be. Stars are unreachable and he has had his time, basking in the bright light Bokuto emits. Now, without him, the apartment feels dark and empty.
When they picked it out, Bokuto has loved the big windows in the front, leading out to a garden. Their landlady, Hanamura-san, is a nice, elderly woman who lives downstairs. She always tends to the gardens, but in the summertime, in the oppressive heat, Bokuto often helped her. But now, when Akaashi looks outside, all he sees are the dying autumn leaves. They scatter the ground and he puts a note to tend to the garden in his phone. (He won't get to it. Hanamura-san looks at him with a sad smile and picks up the gardening tools herself.)
****
In April, when Bokuto brought it up for the first time, the cherry tree was in full bloom. Light pink petals strewn around them, Bokuto was kneeling in Hanamura-san's vegetables, picking weeds, while Akaashi sat on a blanket under the cherry tree, his nose buried in his lecture notes. He pretended to read his lecture notes at least, but in fact he was just watching Bokuto's strong back, the way his shirt was riding up his muscular back.
Bokuto had always been strong, broad, muscular. So much energy, packed into an appropriately buff body. Even all these years ago when they met, Akaashi still remembers, he looked like he could burst out of his school uniform at any moment.
But that day, something had been off and it took Akaashi a whole afternoon to pinpoint it. That was a testament to how hard Bokuto tried to hide it, because there was almost nothing that escaped Akaashi's careful gaze.
"Bokuto-san? You're hiding something," he stated and he could clearly see every muscle tightening, the way his friend froze, while kneeling in between their landlady's cabbages and tomatoes.
"I... got an offer."
After that, silence. Just the soft rustling of the wind, the sound of a stack of paper being set down.
"A Divison 1 team?" Akaashi asked, carefully. That counted as good news, right? If Bokuto got an offer for a Divison 1 team, that meant he was a good step closer to achieving his goals, right? But it also meant...
"Yeah. the Black Jackals. Want me. For the next season."
The Jackals. In Osaka. Five hours by train. It was the first time in all the years Akaashi had known Bokuto, that he had lost his words. A full minute of stunned silence, of desperate fumbling for words.
I'll miss you.
Please don't leave me.
Stay.
I'll go with you.
That is what Akaashi wanted to say. "That's good," is what came out of Akaashi's mouth.
"Yeah... It's a huge chance. If I do well..." Bokuto paused. Sweat rolled from his forehead and he wiped it away with dirt-stained hands, leaving traces of soil on his face.
"My manager said, that could be a huge step towards playing internationally."
Internationally...
****
That day, Akaashi realized that he would lose what they had at some point, no matter what he did. He had just hoped it would take a bit longer. Until they both have settled comfortably into adulthood. Until he has found someone he wants to spend his life with. (Many years later, he'll laugh at this idea. He has found that person when he was thirteen.)
The apartment is dark and empty, when Akaashi sets the pot of green tea down on the kotatsu, next to the cluttered mess of paper strewn around. His first draft for his thesis is due in a week and he has to get his shit together...
"Enough time grieving", he tells himself and folds his legs under the table, careful to leave room for a second pair of legs. Only after he's in his usual, comfortable position, he realizes there's no one coming home to him. No one to help him get the whole pot of tea finished.
Involuntarily, Akaashi reaches for his phone, checking it for the sixty-third time today. Still not even a short message from Bokuto. It's been four days since his contract started, four days since he's heard from Bokuto the last time. The longest since... that one week after Bokuto's graduation, where he'd spend a week-long vacation with his sister in Russia and hadn't had international connections on his phone.
"He's probably just busy", Akaashi tries to remind himself. "And I shouldn't inconvenience him further." Then, he sets his phone down on mute and gets to work.
****
His life falls into a quiet and lonely routine by the one week mark. Akaashi gets up at 7:30 every morning. Does a few minutes of Yoga, like he's done every morning for the past seven years. Halfway through his usual routine, his brain wanders off and he can't finish his moves. By 8:30 he's sitting in his office, subsisting purely on coffee, grading assignments from first years, bibliographing research for the post doc he's working with. Doing whatever gets thrown at him robotically. He stumbles from work to class to his thesis and falls asleep under the kotatsu around midnight. Wakes up at around four am, stumbles into his bed and lies awake, listening into the deafening silence of their - his - apartment. At some point, he will fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.
On the tenth day, he doesn't fall asleep at all. Instead, he spends the whole morning staring at the sun slowly rising, the light creeping over the horizon and falling onto his bedroom walls. Even though it's been almost two weeks since Bokuto moved out, almost two months since Bokuto told him when he'd move, where he'd move, showed him pictures of his new apartment in Osaka, Akaashi is still not used to the eerie silence.
But he's gotten used to being alone. The paper trash is filled with cartons from their - his - favourite pizza place. The countertop holds more empty, dirty cups then it did ever before. And the bags under Akaashi's eyes get deeper and darker every day.
When the grad student from the office next door asks if everything is fine, Akaashi puts up a smile and disappears into his office, behind his desk again, inhaling his seventh cup of strong black coffee, even though it's only ten fifteen in the morning.
When his phone rings, Akaashi almost drops it, scrambling to unlock it. Bokuto! Finally!
But when he sees the very familiar number on the display, his heart plummets down into the depths of his chest once more. It's not Bokuto. The number on his screen is just as familiar by now, but it's not Bokuto.
"Tsukishima," he greets his second-best friend with all the enthusiasm he can muster right now - which is exactly zero. "Why are you calling?"
"Oh god, Akaashi! Thank fuck, are you okay?"
Akaashi scrunches his forehead and reaches for his mug.
"Of course, why shoudn't I be?"
"Because you have been MIA for the last two weeks?" Another voice butts into the conversation and Akaashi faintly realizes whose it is after a moment of silence. Kuroo. Of course.
"I was busy", he says, tries to play it down. There's no need anyone needs to see how much Bokuto's departure affects him. Least of all Kuroo, who'd probably go blabbing to Bokuto right away. Bokuto doesn't need any distractions, he has to learn how to work with his new team, has to get along with Miya and settle in in his new home.
A home which has no room for Akaashi.
His chest tightens.
"Dumbass! I know you're busy, you're always busy, but you never ignore us. Kei asked you about five times if you want to go get dinner with us tonight... Kei's in Tokyo and it's high time you get out of your slump!" Akaashi wants to hang up. Wants to disappear. Wants to call Bokuto. Wants to take the next train to Osaka.
****
Instead, he agrees. He knows, if he says no, both of them won't stop bothering him and if he's really honest with himself, he feels so lonely right now... maybe they can fill this void at least a little bit. Which is how he finds himself squeezed in a full subway train after his last lecture, on his way to Kuroo's apartment on the other end of Tokyo.
When he gets off the train, Kuroo and Tsukishima are already waiting for him. Kuroo is intently studying the scheduled trains and Tsukishima is standing close to him, talking about something - pretty enthusiastically, for Tsukishima's standards even. It's subtle, they aren't even touching, but in the way Tsukishima is quietly occupying Kuroo's personal space, their shoulders brushing against each other, the way Kuroo's body is facing him, it's painfully obvious how close they are. Akaashi swallows, but the dry, fuzzy feeling in his mouth doesn't go away.
He and Bokuto used to tease them about how obvious their feelings for each other had been for years. Pretty much from the very beginning, it had been painful to watch Kuroo pine for Tsukishima. Especially since Akaashi - ever good at reading people - saw just how desperately Tsukishima had been waiting for a signal beyond teasing and banter. (At the first clear one he got, he'd practically jumped Kuroo, kissed him senseless.)By now, they are together for almost three full years. All three of them long-distance and the way they still manage to be so close and intimate feels like a jab straight between his ribs.
Akaashi wants to greet them, wants to wave, but it feels like his body is frozen in place. Who is he to interrupt their precious time together? They surely have better things to do...
Better things than spending their precious time together with his pathetic ass. Going on dates, being a happy couple. They have little time together, with Kuroo fresh in grad school and Kei being both in college and still playing volleyball. Professionally now. Sometimes, Akaashi wonders. How do they do it? How do they cope with this distance?
He swallows again, going through the trains in his head. The next one back home is running in a few minutes, if he can just... avoid them until then. And when he's on the train, he'll text them, say something about a migraine and then...
Why is he even thinking about avoiding two of his best friends?
Across the platform, Tsukishima lets out a little giggle and Kuroo looks at him like he'd move Mount Fuji if Tsukishima so much as hinted at it. How is he supposed to fit in there? It had been not a big deal, when all four of them went out together. He and Bokuto would drift off in their own little bubble and Kuroo and Tsukishima in theirs. Now, though...