Work Text:
* * * * * * *
Elias: I suppose it was inevitable this day would come.
Reese: It's coming for us all.
Elias: You ever wonder how much you're willing to take? How much further you can go?
Reese: Sometimes... Right now, I just want to get as far as the exit.
* * * * * * *
John came home to Harold—to the Subway refuge—as soon as he could. John had gone into adrenaline overload. He desperately needed to see Harold. After what he'd seen first hand what'd happened to Anthony and Elias, he needed… needed to hold him, make love with him, to reassure himself that Harold was safe and alive. Once he arrived, he found Finch and Bear watching over Shaw, who was asleep in a small bed.
"Ms. Groves knocked her out with a heavy duty tranquilizer, John." Finch explained the situation to Reese.
John looked worried. "How much did Root give her?"
"Enough to stop a bull, apparently," Finch replied with an acerbic glance, turning his body to see Reese.
Reese looked over at Harold, "Oh, she's gonna be madder than one when she comes to."
"I'm afraid I had no choice. Miss Shaw's cover is blown. Our survival depends on her seclusion."
"So how do we proceed now, Harold?"
"With extreme caution, Mr. Reese. The events of the past few days have made our world more dangerous than ever before. Perhaps we should let her sleep."
Reese took Finch by the elbow, “Harold, you have to know that Anthony meant more to Elias than we assumed. They were partners, our kind of partners…’life partners.’”
“John, you heard Elias say that Anthony is the one he cares about?”
“Yeah. They’d been together as friends since they were kids in “the system.” While I was trying to protect Carl, I could see that he was upset when Dominic and his men had taken Anthony hostage.” John turned Harold to face him. “You have to know what was going through my mind right then. That we could be in the same situation someday.” Reese’s face was creased with worry. “And when I find out that you’ll help a Number out in the field…without me! I feel caught between that ‘rock and a hard place,’ Harold.”
“I know, John, but what can I do? There are always more Numbers…”
"Harold..." John pulled Finch to him, his face full of anguish, reaching out to gather him in his arms. "Harold! Elias asked me how much I'm willing to take. How far I'm willing..." Small shudders began shaking his body.
"John?…”
Reese and Finch’s regard for one another has always grown stronger over the years. Harold reached out to steady John’s shoulder, his body.
“Harold…do you know when I started to fall in love with you?” John's voice was soft and hesitant. “Remember the time I discovered that you worked at IFT? You were disguised as a lowly software engineer? I shouldn't have been surprised to learn that, of course, you really owned the company.”
John adjusted Harold’s collar. He affectionately draped his head on the shoulder of the older man’s neck. It was going on four years since two of them had been working together, spending so much time with each other they just about lived together.
“I don’t want to lose you, Harold. You are my connection to the world." John closed his eyes and breathed in. "You are the reason I’m becoming a… a better person."
John shuddered again from the backwash of his adrenaline surge. “Being there, witnessing Anthony's sacrifice for Elias, brought it all too close to me, Harold, too close… too close...” John ended in a whisper. "Too close."
Harold noticed John's increasing distress; the tremors were coming in waves of intensity. Harold stayed calm, his voice subdued and gentle. "John! Please, you need to sit down. Come with me." He took John's hand. "Let's sit together over here on the futon. Please. Take a slow breath.” Harold watched as John sat and inhaled to try to unwind. “Here, why don't we lie down?" Finch reached for the duvet that was folded across the back of the futon frame and put it over John's shoulders.
"Fuck! Harold! It could have happened to you… or me! Harold!" Reese clenched his fists on his thighs, his face contorted, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. "Harold. Please?" He was babbling—"How much more? How…much more? I don't know. I don’t…want to lose you.” John choked out. “I can’t...live without you." He clutched Harold's hand, almost squeezing it too hard.
Harold’s voice wavered. "John—I'm here. Please...get comfortable."
John grabbed Harold's tie, and kissed him with desperation. Laying his hands on Harold's shoulders he kissed him all over his face, his glasses, his neck, overwhelming feelings flooding through him from the adrenaline. John grasped Harold fiercely around his hips.
"Harold! Touch me! Make love with me!” John groaned. “I have to show you... I don't want... I love you... I love you so much!" He couldn't stop crying. "We've only been lovers for...such a short time! Jesus!" John was close to falling apart.
"John... John.” Harold murmured. “I'm here… Always." Finch managed to disengage from John's hug, to change his position to sit next to him. He helped Reese to stretch out on the futon, then he sat and put John's head in his lap, stroking his forehead to soothe him. Harold silently started to cry too, drops running down his cheeks.
They stayed like that, lingering quietly for some time as John gradually relaxed. "I wonder if this is a residual effect from delayed PTSD?" Harold asked.
"Maybe.” John raised his head, then turned and rested a hand on the outside of one of Harold's hips and looked up at him. “I just want to be sure that you know how much you mean to me. I don't want to repeat what I did before, not saying how I feel about you, like I did...I did...with Jessica." John stopped, swallowed and choked out, "I don't want to make that mistake again. I love you, Harold."
“I love you, too, John.” Harold smoothed the damp hair away from John's forehead.
John sighed, and resettled his head on Harold's lap. Soon, they fell asleep together, in the aftermath of their emotional meltdown.
* * * * * * *
John woke up from their nap first. He sat up, and shifted closer to Harold. Harold opened his eyes behind kiss-smudged glasses and gently smiled at him.
"Harold. We have to talk about this. About life, death and… and love. I don't know where to start, but I know I have to say something, I want to talk this out with you.
"I'm not sure that I know truly know how to live, and I know for sure…I know nothing about love.” John paused for a few heartbeats. “‘Live life to the fullest,’ they say, but, yeah, I sure as hell know more about death.” Reese closed his eyes as if he was retreating, knowing that there was no real way to disengage from his past.
He took a few moments to gather his thoughts. Since he'd started keeping his secret journal as part of his psychotherapy, John was finding it easier to share his feelings, his self awareness.
"I know that life—my life is richer having met you, Harold. I know how fleeting life is, since I used to take it away." John turned to look down at his feet. "Sometimes I feel more like death is under my control, because I've been trained to kill." He sighed. "Sure, when I was an operative doing wet work, they were alleged terrorists, yes, and my job then was to use lethal force, instead of shooting to incapacitate." John took a deep breath and turned to face him. "Now, I do my best to help others and that’s because you chose me to help you.
"Harold? What are you feeling right now?" Reese puffed a sigh. "What do you know about life? Or any of this...stuff I'm trying to sort out?"
"Well, John, my experience about life is pretty close to yours." He looked at John, his eyes soft, yet intense. "Life is out of my control. Because of certain things I've done, because I've always felt that I'm an outsider... Because..." After a deep breath, Harold gave a long sigh. "My family... My mother wasn’t there for most of my childhood. My father... Early onset Alzheimer's took him...away. He was the main influence that started me, when I was young, to look for innovative ways to help his memory with codes and computers." Harold turned his torso toward John. "I've just told you more about me than I've told...well, anyone."
Harold turned away and looked at the arches of the subway station. "And what about death? It's my sense that most people choose how and when they die. But...I think you know far more about death and dying than I do, so anything I have to say, I am sure you know already."
John leaned toward Harold, reached out and covered Harold's hand with his.
"As far as love goes, John, sometimes I feel as though 'love' is a foreign language. Growing up as I did, spending much of my time alone... I've never felt adept at relationships, connecting with people. I've always felt as though I've been on the outside looking in. Science, mathematics and technology were easier to trust than people." Harold meshed his fingers with John's hand on his thigh. "I was surprised when The Machine pointed out Grace to me. At first, I thought there was a bug in the programming. First, because I am to attracted men, more so than women, and I thought The Machine knew this, knew me. Even though I may not have always acted on my attraction. And second, because I hadn't anticipated that the machine I'd built would consider taking on the function of ‘matchmaker.’” Harold gave John an unsure smile.
"Harold, I know I've had a tendency to fuck up my love relationships. I’ve made a total mess of everything when I don't say how much I love someone." John shifted, fidgeting a little where he sat. "Thinking I should protect those I love from me only makes things worse—for both of us."
John turned his head away, and stared out in space. “There's a part of me that doesn't want to take the risk of love—loving, being in love, falling in love.” John sighed and turned closer to Harold. “But I've learned to my great sadness, if I don't…step up, take that risk, I'm left with only regrets and…and…” John croaked, “grief.” His chest felt tight, his eyes burned as sudden tears threaten to fall, and he was aware of the same heartache when he'd watched Jessica walk away at that airport.
John paused, embracing Harold's shoulders to hug him close. “Harold, life, death and love will always be a puzzle to me, and I’m guessing to you, too. I think I overheard you tell Henry Peck: ‘…if you really need a mystery, I recommend the human heart.’ I don’t know about you, but I’m brave enough to stick with you on this…well, what we share now. I’ve made my choice; I choose you. Harold, we know that nobody has forever.” Reese sighed, closed his eyes and touched his forehead to Harold's.
“Yes, John. So let’s make the most of what time we have.” Harold put his hands on either side of John's face and kissed him. In a moment, their kisses became deeper, more passionate.
John stood, leaned over and shifted the futon into the bed configuration. He swung his body back up, turned, his side facing Finch, and laid a hand on his shoulder, drawing him near. “Harold. Let’s just cuddle. Is that OK with you?”
“Yes, John. Let’s just be together tonight…settle in, and enjoy each other’s company.” Once again, the older man took Reese's hand and they assisted one another as they both lay down.
Harold pulled the duvet over them and spooned behind John, snuggling closer, his arm over John's chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Both John and Harold are aware that they are never safe. As Harold said when he first spoke with John, based on what he knew about their secret work with the "Irrelevants," and their tangential connection with the government via The Machine, the most likely outcome would be that they'd end up “really dead.” Both of them know that death is a likely possibility for their work together—but the unexpected happened—life and love surprised them.
Before Harold sought out John to participate in his "Irrelevants Project," before John and Harold grew to trust one another, Harold had early on, before John knew him, directly observed John’s merciful character, something he knew was unique for a CIA assassin.
Before John and Harold knew they loved each other, the two of them thought/believed (like many people) that by avoiding sharing and living from their hearts that they could be safe, they would be able to keep their hearts safe, and the hearts of those they love safe. Paradoxically, the Source of safety is Love. That to be safe, you have to step out into the unknown, the unsafe, outside your comfort zone. To be unafraid of death, because, really, Love is stronger than death.
That is what we see with Harold—his love though from afar, of Grace. Harold's love of and for John. Harold has reached out his hand to John, first as his partner/employee, and then John (who, we have observed, began to trust Harold sooner than he trusted John) reached out to embrace Harold as partner/love/lover.
In fact, that is why Anthony and Elias knew that their plans would succeed because they knew down in the depths of their hearts that their mutual courage—deep, rock bottom courage that came from their long-term understanding and love for one another—from their love and friendship—would be the true key to their victory.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *