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It’s after The X-Factor live show. They’ve all been at the afterparty even though Nick had to get up for the radio the next morning. These days, he could do the show standing on his head, on half an hour’s sleep and a bottle of whisky. It’s not what it was, but they’re all pretending it is, and weirdly, that helps.
Also, he and Harry are out in a public place for the first time in ages and it’s … weird. In the sense that it’s actually fine. It’s as easy as it ever was and Nick’s surprisingly un-fucked up about it. But then something genuinely weird happens.
‘We’ll be out of your hair before you have to get up for work,’ Harry wheedles. ‘Just a sofa to crash on. Please?’
‘Where’s Liam?’
‘He’s saying hi and bye to the Funky Buddha crowd, so...’
‘That fucking place. Isn’t there anyone else? Niall? What’s Horan up to?’
Harry raises an eyebrow across the room. ‘He’s not pulled in ages. I hate to interrupt.’
Nick looks over to where Niall is getting on very well with a woman from the crew who Nick had seen earlier.
‘We’ll be getting a car at arse-o-clock in the morning. We’re on Ellen tomorrow.’
Nick minces dutifully. ‘Ooh, we’re on Ellen tomorrow,’ he mouths, and Harry dutifully punches him in the shoulder. Which is how they get lumbered with an extremely drunk Louis at the end of the night. They get a cab back through north London, Louis between them, sagging against Harry.
‘This a regular occurrence?’
‘I think it’s being back on The X Factor. Simon and everything. Gets like an over-excited puppy. Bless.’ Harry receives a weak shove and there’s a muffled ‘f’ckoff’ before they all lapse into silence. It’s late. They travel in quiet for a bit until Louis emits a quiet snore.
Nick looks down at him. ‘You mates again then?’ he says softly.
Harry shrugs. ‘We never fell out.’
‘Come on, Haz. It’s me.’
Harry doesn’t answer for so long Nick thinks he’s refused the question. He never was very good with home truths. Nick lets himself get hypnotised by the street lights strobing past and remembers Harry from three years ago, a bewildered kid who came to him hungry for love and distraction, thinking it was Louis who had wrecked their friendship and not realising it was something bigger than both of them.
‘We just can’t be bothered anymore.’ Harry’s voice startles Nick out of his train of thought. He’s looking out of his side of the cab, holding his phone loosely between his thighs, stroking his thumb absent-mindedly over the screen. ‘It takes a lot of effort to make sure you don’t sit or stand next to someone for three years, never touch or look at each other.’ Harry turns to look at Nick. ‘We’re just really tired. And I think we decided. We never said anything, I think we just both decided at the same time. They can say what the fuck they like – write or tweet or whatever – because we’re gonna be gone in a couple of months and nothing they say can touch us.’ Harry smiles sadly. ‘It’s like a weird sort of fuck you.’
~
‘Wow, this is pretentious. Where are we, Haz?’
‘Mine,’ Nick says as they manoeuvre Louis onto the sofa. Louis stretches out and Nick flops onto the armchair nearby while Harry goes off to make tea.
‘I might have known.’ Louis attempts to curl his lip sardonically but it doesn’t quite work. ‘Is that chair yellow velvet?’
‘Yes,’ Nick says patiently. To be fair, it is one of the maddest bits of furniture he’s ever bought.
‘Bet it’s from some twatty vintage place in Shoreditch,’ Louis mumbles, eyes sinking shut.
‘John Lewis, actually.’
‘That’s where my Nan shops,’ Louis says.
‘Mine too,’ Nick says.
Harry gives out a soft breath of a laugh, and they all giggle softly until Pig clacks in. Louis’ attention swivels to her. He struggles up onto one elbow. ‘Hey, hey, who’s this?’
‘It’s Pig.’
‘Pig. Piggy-wig.’ Louis reaches out a hand and Pig gives it an experimental lick. ‘What is he?’ Louis’ scratches the top of her head and she looks like she’s in doggie heaven.
‘She’s an English bull terrier.’
‘She.’ Then he grins. ‘Bill Sykes’ dog.’
Everybody says this. Everybody and their great grandmas’ fucking tea-ladies know it’s the villain’s dog in Oliver! and Nick’s over it because a) he’s not a brutal dickhead and b) Pig is the sweetest-natured creature he’s ever known, human or otherwise.
But he knows most people think this is a unique piece of information they’re giving him, and also, he does secretly love it a bit too, so he humours them.
‘Yeah, it’s Sykes’ dog.’
‘Cool,’ Louis says. ‘Hey girl. You all right? Yeeeah.’ Pig nuzzles and licks his face. ‘Yeah. You’re the best, aren’t you babe. Aren’t you?’ He scratches behind her ears and Nick’s belly flip-flops annoyingly.
Nick shakes his head. ‘All right Tomlinson. You’re a hit with animals and children.’ There had been some very small fans at the X Factor studio and Nick had commented on how good Louis had been with them.
'Yeah, I am.'
Louis looks up and Nick realises he’s never been in the path of Louis’ smile before. He remembers Alexa gushing about Harry being like a lighthouse and how Nick never let her forget it. He wonders what she’d have to say about Louis, or maybe she’d just take the piss out of Nick for being so daft.
Louis drops his head back to Pig and nuzzles her some more. Nick’s about to get up for blankets, when Louis says softly to Pig, ‘Gonna be a good dad.’ Pig gives a little ruff of agreement. ‘Sometimes I worry though.’ Louis looks up. ‘I’m not with her mum. Like my dad.’
Nick is paralysed. Louis' not sobering up then. He glances up in a semi-panic and sees Harry already on his way over. He drops down into a crouch by Louis’ head. ‘You’re not your Dad, Lou,’ he says. It sounds like something he’s had to say before.
Nick wants to get up, go and finish the tea, but it’d be really obvious he’s escaping, so he stays where he is.
‘But what can I give her?’ Louis flops onto his stomach, props his head on his hands so he’s facing Harry. ‘I can’t live in LA. there’s nothing there for me.’ He looks up. ‘I know you’re...’
‘Her?’ Harry says.
Nice deflection, Styles, Nick thinks.
‘Yeah.’ Louis’ smile is as big as the sun now. ‘We found out couple weeks ago.’ A little head wobble. His smile falters. ‘But if I don’t go there, then she’ll have to come here. I’ll be twenty-four. I want to have a life. Wanna write. Or do other stuff. She’d just weigh me down.’ A sharp edge creeps into his tone. ‘That’s what my dad thought of me. I’d be like him, a shit dad. I don’t wanna be like him.’ He adds suddenly. ‘It’s scary.’
Harry hadn’t warned for this. He’d said ‘drunk’ not ‘near to emotional breaking point over his impending fatherhood’ which Nick had – of course – forgotten about for the last couple of hours. He’d also forgotten about Louis’ mad complicated family life. Not that Nick’s was My Family perfect, but still. Louis’ emotions are all over the place.
‘Yeah, but you won’t be like him. You helped bring your sisters up. They love you. You love them. You’re gonna be a great dad, Lou.’
Harry’s by Nick’s side so Nick can’t see his face properly, but they’d talked about this. About kids, about having them, never explicitly with each other, but sometimes the talk had felt loaded enough that the ‘one day we’ll do it’ was implied. Now, here they were, further away from each other than they’d ever been, listening to someone else’s ambivalence about what they’d both wanted so much.
‘You’ve got god-kids don’t you, Grim?’
The slurred question dragged Nick's attention back to Louis, half-asleep now.
‘What? Yeah,’ he mumbles out, confused at how Louis knows this. ‘It’s not the same though.’
Harry gets up, murmuring ‘I’ll finish the tea.’ Nick looks up sharply. Where the fuck are you going? he wants to hiss. Don’t leave me alone with him. But Harry’s gone.
Nick smiles uneasily at Louis and decides to do what he always does as a last resort in awkward situations: he launches into a funny story about Arlo and it makes Louis laugh.
‘But I get to hand them back,’ he finishes. ‘I don’t have to go to parents’ evenings or nag them to tidy their rooms.’
Louis laughs weakly. ‘Like you’d ever do that.’
‘I would actually. Very house-proud I am.’
Louis flaps out a hand. Nick doesn’t know if Louis means it to land on his knee, but it does, warm and light. ‘You did good, by the way,’ Louis says.
‘Did I?’
‘Yeah. The other week. When whatshisface went. But you did that thing. You know. Goin ter the public... thingy.’
‘The public vote,’ Nick helps.
‘Yeah that. That was a good idea.’ Louis smiles and Nick smiles back and without thinking reaches out to stroke Louis’ hair gently off his forehead. Luckily Louis doesn’t flinch away away or jump up yelling ‘Get off me, Radio 1 filth!’ which he is half-expecting. Harry’s still in the kitchen but Nick is sure he’d do this even if Harry was here. It doesn’t mean anything. Louis’ straight anyway. But Nick had thought Harry was. And Harry had mentioned he and Louis had done stuff...
Oh god.
Nick pulls his hand back. ‘Oi Harry,’ he says. ‘What’s going on with them teas? Are you chanting over them or summat?’
Louis splutters out a laugh as if Nick was the funniest person ever and Nick escapes.
Harry isn’t doing anything untoward and California to the tea, just fishing the bags out of the mugs.
‘He sort of falls apart when he’s drunk doesn’t he?’ Nick murmurs, peering back over his shoulder.
‘What do you mean?’ Harry says, but it’s around a smile of recognition.
‘I thought he’d be aggressive or arsey. Like Louis, only, you know, more so. But he’s. Really messy and soft.’
‘Yeah.’ The fridge-door jingles as Harry opens it for the milk. ‘Though he can be a dick as well. Just depends on his mood. Must be all right. Despite.’ Harry’s wave of the teaspoon is enough to encompass Louis’ impending fatherhood. ‘You know.’
‘Yeah.’
‘He likes you, you know.’
‘Er.’
Harry hands him a mug. ‘As opposed to hates you. I know you thought...’
‘I didn’t think anything. It was just internet bollocks.’
‘Right. So anyway. He does actually like you.’
‘Ok. Glad we’ve established that. Shall we?’
They take the tea back through.
Louis’ fallen asleep. Nick and Harry drink their tea and take it in turns for the bathroom. Nick brings out duvets for both of them. ‘Sure you’ll be ok?’
‘Yeah. The car’s coming at four-thirty.’
‘Fuck, that’s obscene. Yes. You’ll definitely be all right out here.’
‘Need every hour’s sleep you can get now, eh Grim?’
‘Fucking too right, Styles. Don’t slam the door on your way out.’
Harry just smiles and Nick leans down to kiss him, quick and soft on the mouth. ‘Love you. Bye.’
Harry lets out a soft laugh. ‘You too, babe.’
Nick turns and walks down the hall to his bedroom, closing the door. He thinks it might be the first time he’s slept alone with Harry still in the flat. It’s a relief, all things considered.