Work Text:
Getting a little old for the office aren't you, Barba?'
Rafael couldn't get those stupid words out of his head, it was making him angry at the fact he was letting Buchanan into his head. It started with another case, Barba won like he knew he would, his case was strong and his arguments stronger, Buchanan had nothing to stand on and he knew it, a little dig at the end of the case just so he could try and get under Rafael's skin and normally it didn't work only this time it hit a nerve. Something deep inside him that he had been avoiding for a while now had come to the surface and it made him feel awful.
Ever since that stupid little sentence he began to notice things, small things, minor to some people but seemingly huge to him; the way he's had to loosen his suspenders a little bit, the way his shirts gape slightly between buttons, the way his jacket is just a tiny bit too tight that it doesn't lie as flatly anymore. He'd been putting on weight gradually since getting together with Sonny, even more so since they moved in together over a year ago now, it was now two to three square meals a day, his snacking hadn't cut down either, Rafael just hadn't noticed it until now.
Then he started to notice the way his hair is greying, and the way his eyes wrinkle more around the edges. He was looking older now, he was forty-five and had a job that drained him despite how much he loved it. Rafael was just hiding this extra age and weight behind bespoke suits and waist coats and it had always been his cover, he's always had this desperate need for people to respect him, to take him seriously; his father, his friends growing up, at Harvard, at work.
Rafael has always had to prove himself, has always had to fight for people to just see him as a person and not just another kid from the Bronx even though that's exactly who he was, who he probably still was. Only now it was working, people saw Harvard graduate, they saw ADA, they saw his credibility and they saw how he carried himself, with an air of arrogance and dressed to match. People saw his suits and his attitude and saw a man who was held together and was confident, who really didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of him, who could take anything.
It was all wrong, his desperation just became a fake confidence, this hard-ass lawyer role he had picked up became a second nature to him, he managed to stop himself from showing it upset him when the guys at SVU made it out like he didn't give a shit about cases because he always had to have more evidence, his job wasn't about just believing victims, he needed proof or he couldn't fight for them. Rafael had become good and pretending that those who tried to undermine him couldn't, that losing cases he was so sure would hold didn't keep him up for days on end, that being in his forties and being alone was just another part of his life.
Somewhere down the road Rafael lost who he was and his himself in expensive suits, all tied up nicely with suspenders and a jacket, but then Sonny had joined the team and made him remember what it felt like to be loved and to love, that he didn't need to be such an asshole all the time. Sonny taught him that he was more than his past and he didn't need to linger on it, which was easier said than done but they had helped him feel human again.
Rafael realised that maybe Sonny made him feel a little too human because he couldn't stop thinking about the way he's getting old and Sonny is still so full of life and youthful, he's let that stupid 'Getting a little old for the office aren't you, Barba?' into his head and that fake confidence he once had fell apart completely, now his suits made him feel self-conscious with the way they no longer fit right over his tummy, that the dark colours made the grey stand out more in his hair.
Rafael couldn't stop thinking about how he no longer deserved Sonny, twisting the engagement ring around on his finger, he was holding him back and he'd be a fool to think that he wasn't because Sonny was so passionate and vibrant and wonderful, still so young and happy and enthusiastic about life even when he shouldn't be; everything Sonny was, Rafael seemed to grow into the opposite and maybe Buchanan was actually right for the first time in his life, maybe Rafael was getting a little too old, but maybe it wasn't the office or the courtroom he was getting too old for, maybe it was his relationship. It was overwhelming, these thoughts were keeping him up at night and he knew Sonny was beginning to notice how restless he was and he knew he was going to have to talk to him about it.
Instead of confiding in Sonny, Rafael focused on work, thankful for the heavy load they both seemed to be given. Ignoring it was easier even if it did feel worse.
A week after Buchanan's comment and Rafael was walking to the precinct, he was meeting Sonny for lunch, they hadn't managed to do it for a few days because of busy cases and it was the first time since that comment that Rafael felt kinda happy, he'd really missed Sonny, their work schedules turning them into passing ships in the night and he thought that maybe spending some time with his fiancé would help him rid these insecurities he was holding back. They were planning on going out to the Thai place around the corner, they'd been there before and really enjoyed it, Rafael couldn't stop thinking about spicy noodles.
His thoughts were cut short when he heard laughter, Sonny's laughter, it sounded so beautiful but it made him stop in his tracks in the entrance of SVU, there was another guy there, someone new that Rafael hadn't had the chance to meet yet. He was tall and pretty cute, probably the same age as Sonny and Sonny was laughing with him, his hand on his arm in a way that made Rafael want to run, they looked so good together and it hit Rafael in the face with further realisation; this is what he's keeping Sonny away from, he was keeping Sonny away from a happy relationship with someone his own age who made him smile widely and laugh loudly and openly and this guy could be that.
Rafael pulled out his phone, sent Sonny a text telling him he was going to be working through lunch, and turned his back on the precinct, going back to the comfort of his office, no longer hungry. Sonny text him back and Rafael declined his offer to come to his office. When Sonny called, he pressed ignore.
When Sonny called again, Rafael turned off his phone.
Back in his office, he made himself coffee, pacing as he thought about what he saw. He didn't think Sonny would cheat on him, Sonny was too good a person to do that to anyone which made Rafael feel even worse; part of him wanted Sonny to realise that he deserved better but the other part, the selfish part, of Rafael wanted to keep Sonny all to himself. Sonny was radiant, he was gorgeous and generous and made Rafael feel good about himself but now he doesn't feel that way, he didn't deserve Sonny at all and now there was a new guy working alongside them and Rafael realised it was so easy to lose him.
Maybe he deserved it.
Rafael fell back in his chair, the coffee spilling out over the sides of the mug but he didn't care. Maybe he did deserve to lose Sonny, it made sense, Sonny had his whole life ahead of him still and Rafael was on his last legs in comparison. This new guy, whoever he was, looked so good with Sonny, better than he probably ever had, they looked like they could be a perfect couple and he made Sonny laugh, his smile wide and his eyes bright, Liv and Amanda were there, standing near them, they looked happy to be there and even Fin had a smile on his face.
They never look like that around him, he knew Amanda hated him and Fin was indifferent, Liv was his best friend but it felt like their happy moments together were few and far between now, the stress of the job and the roles they both play often drove a wedge between them. Everything in his life was beginning to fall apart and Rafael didn't even realise until Buchanan, of all people, made it clear. He gripped his mug tighter, he could feel the porcelain begin to give way until it shattered in his grip, shards and hot coffee flying across his desk.
The door opened and before he knew it there was someone in his office, kneeling in front of him; "Barba, what the hell?" He tried to focus his eyes, his vision blurry but he knew he was Carmen, "What happened?"
"Broke." His voice came out cracked, it was almost embarrassing but she didn't comment on it, she looked up at him.
"The mug, or you?" Rafael wanted to laugh but when he tried it came out as a choked sob, once he started he couldn't stop.
"I'm sorry."
"No," Carmen shook her head, one hand on his face, the other pressing tissues to the palm of his hand, "Do not apologise, I don't know what's wrong and you don't have to tell me but I'm going to cancel the rest of you day and get you to the hospital."
"I..."
"I don't want you to argue, you've really hurt your hand here," Carmen's voice was calm, gentle even, Rafael didn't deserve it, "Would you like me to call Carisi?" Rafael shook his head.
"No, it's... it's not that bad," He said, taking a shaky breath, the pain in his hand was beginning to register now, "He's busy."
"Are you sure?" Rafael nodded, glancing down at his hand, the tissues Carmen had pressed against his palm were red now, "Okay, keep pressure on your hand, I'm going to erase the rest of the day and call a cab." Rafael did as he was told.
It was weird, being at the hospital in the middle of the day, even weirder having to have pieces of a mug pulled from his palm. Rafael was always so collected and today he was a wreck, this whole week he had been a wreck but seeing how Sonny looked with another guy just tipped him over. He sent Carmen home once a doctor had come to see him, told her to take the rest of the day off because he knew he was going to, he just asked that she made sure his office was locked up.
He felt alone, the doctor had to put a couple of stitches into his palm and one or two in a few fingers which just made him feel so stupid, thankfully the coffee wasn't hot enough to cause any serious damage and now he was wandering through the city, arm in a sling at the doctors request feeling like such an idiot. He injured himself and had a minor breakdown in front of Carmen, he'd never cried like that in front of Liv before and it only happened once or twice in the whole time he'd been dating Sonny but he'd never hurt himself like this, the selfish part of him was happy he'd hurt his right hand because it meant there was no damage or need to remove his engagement ring.
The only issue now was wondering what to do with himself because he couldn't go back to work and the last thing he wanted was to go see Sonny and embarrass him in front of the precinct. Maybe he should just go home, try and do some work there, anything that isn't as depressing as walking around the city by himself in a shirt covered in coffee and blood with his coat only half on because he couldn't fasten it due to his stupid fucking sling. The confidence he hid behind completely shattered now.
Rafael was in the bedroom when Sonny came home, he couldn't stop staring at himself in the mirror, picking out every flaw he could find, even in the clothes, his shirt and sweatpants hiding his worst areas but he knew they were there, he knew there had been a reason why he'd started turning the lights off or keeping his shirt on while he was having sex with Sonny, he just didn't want to admit it. Now he looked pathetic too, with his injured hand and dark circles from lack of sleep and the wrinkles that just seem to get deeper every time he looked at himself, he was a mess.
He could hear Sonny calling for him, his footsteps getting closer and Rafael wanted to hide, "Babe?" Sonny's voice made him feel choked up, "You won't guess what, we have a new sergeant and he's... holy shit," Sonny's reflection joined his in the mirror, "Baby, what happened?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" Sonny scoffed, moving to stand in front of Rafael, blocking his view of himself but he still couldn't meet Sonny's eyes, "You have your arm in a sling."
"Just an accident at work."
"At work? And you didn't tell me?"
"There wasn't any need," Rafael shrugged, "I broke a mug and cut myself up a little bit, Carmen took me to the hospital, it was only a few stitches."
"You got stitches and you didn't tell me? Sonny sounded sad, now Rafael was upsetting him, he really wasn't right for Sonny, "You should have called me and I would have come with you to the hospital."
"I didn't want to bother you." Sonny gentle cupped his face, forcing Rafael to look at him, he was smiling softly but Rafe could see the hurt in his eyes.
"You could never bother me, I love you."
"I'm sorry."
"Please, don't be."
"So... a new sergeant?" Sonny looked uneasy, as if he wasn't read to change the topic but Rafael covered one of his hands on his face with his good hand, turning into it and pressing a kiss to his palm, "I'm okay, you can tell me."
Rafael wished he never asked, he wished he never had to meet Mike Dodds because this guy was everything Rafael wasn't, he was tall and slim and pretty, he had power and connections, and Sonny looked completely obsessed with him and it reminded Rafael of how Sonny was when they first met, desperate for his attention only, Rafe was insecure back then and kept him at arms length, forcing Sonny to worm his way into his life, whereas Mike seemed to welcome him with open arms. They worked so well together, they were so similar and Amanda called them work husbands; the first time Rafael heard that, they were going over evidence as a team, Rafael had pretended to get a call and left without saying anything else to anyone.
It had been a month now, a month of his stupid depressive pity party he had found himself in. He was still working, he was still winning cases and making deals; if anything, his career was thriving because he was putting all his attention into it. His relationship with Sonny however, was beginning to show cracks and Rafael knew he was the one putting them there, it was upsetting to see how sad he was beginning to make Sonny and it was beginning to get to the point where Sonny would hang out with Mike after work because Rafael was spending yet another late night in the office.
He hated how selfish he was, he should just break up with Sonny but he couldn't, he really loved him and the idea of not being with him sickened him but Rafael had to admit that he was destroying whatever they had but maybe that's what he wanted. If he destroyed his relationship then Sonny wouldn't try and get back with him, Rafael could go back to being alone and Sonny could go on and live a happy life with Mike or even some other person who made him happy.
Home life was tense, they walked around each other and didn't really say anything, they barely even ate together anymore and Sonny would already be asleep by the time Rafael went to bed, if he went to bed and didn't fall asleep on the couch again. He wished he could talk to Sonny, wish he could tell him how he was feeling without it turning into a big fight but he couldn't and how dumb was that? He couldn't talk to his own partner about how insecure he was? This was the guy he was supposed to be marrying but instead he was avoiding him.
Even Liv had tried to get whatever it was out of him, cornering him in his office under false pretenses of handing over information on the case. Rafael heard her tell Carmen not to bother them as she walked into his office, shutting the door behind her, she looked angry and Rafael really couldn't deal with it; "You have the files?"
"What is your problem?" Liv asked, walking to his desk.
"What?" Rafael tapped his fingers against his desk, "You told me you had something further for me, if you don't then stop wasting my time."
"Like you're wasting Carisi's?" Rafael stopped tapping his fingers, his jaw dropped.
"Excuse me?"
"Do you think he doesn't talk?" She asked, leaning forward and putting her hands on his desk, "Do you think we haven't noticed the change in him?"
"What change?"
"You have to be joking? How about the fact he's so sad Rafa, how he's constantly looking at that stupid entrance hoping you'll walk through it, the way he hangs up the phone with tears in his eyes when you say you're working late, again," Liv narrowed her eyes, "Are you seeing someone else?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"I think I'd be pretty damn certain if I was," Rafael said, feeling sick that people would think he'd cheat on Sonny, "I really don't need this."
"If you don't love him, you should tell him."
"I do love him and I don't need to explain to you what is going on in my personal life."
"Rafa... I just think that..."
"No," Rafael gripped the edge of his desk, "I don't need any fucking advice, okay Liv? Things are going the way they're going and by the end of the month I'll probably be fucking single anyway so just leave it." Liv pushed herself away from the desk, lips pressed together in thought.
"You're doing this on purpose."
"Doing what?"
"You're punishing yourself for something," Liv said, "I've seen you do this before, you've done it with me, you close yourself off and hope that the other person leaves."
"Shut up."
"What ever Carisi has done I'm sure..."
"He's done nothing, this isn't about him."
"Rafa, what have you done?"
"Please leave, Liv." Rafael was tired, he doesn't want to admit to Liv that he let Buchanan under his skin.
"Why won't you talk to me?"
"There's nothing to talk to you about."
"You're hurting and in turn you're hurting Carisi, I just wish you'd tell me why," Liv's smile was sad, "I'm sure you two can come back from where ever it is you've found yourselves, we always have."
"I don't think we can Liv, this isn't the same as what you and I have been through, I can't fix this."
"Just... don't give up on him," She said, walking back to the door, "Also, start taking better care of yourself, you look like shit." Then she left, Rafael knew she was half joking, trying to lighten the mood before leaving but Liv made it worse, she made it so much worse because she was right.
He looked so awful, he wasn't sleeping properly and he wasn't eating well either; going back to his pre-Sonny habits, no proper meals just left overs and snacks. He was probably drinking a little bit too much as well, just so he didn't have to go home. He never thought he'd end up like this with Sonny, but it wasn't because their relationship was bad, it was that he was bad for their relationship and he's just proving that fact right by acting like a stupid child.
He sent Sonny a text saying he'd be working late, again.
Rafael was in court a week after his talk with Liv, the defense had Buchanan and Rafael hadn't seen him since he made that stupid comment that ruined his whole damn life, not like Buchanan knew and Rafael didn't want him to know either. He never wanted that man to know he had any form of leverage over him because he'd use it until the day he died; then again, would that matter? Sonny is looking at him with hate in his eyes now, Buchanan has already done his worse.
The case was complicated but Rafael was certain he had enough to sway the jury into making a conviction, he was confident before entering the court but now he's talking to witnesses and doing cross examinations, he felt sick. It was a weird feeling, not one he's ever felt before, court is where he was comfortable and now he felt dizzy and sweaty and just disgusting. Buchanan was loud, he was always loud and vile, but Rafael couldn't make his brain tune him down like normal but he also couldn't understand a word he was saying which wasn't good, his notes in front of him were blank which means he's got nothing to go on and that made him feel worse; he was going to let the victim down.
The jury were lapping up whatever the fuck the defense was spewing, probably shit about how 'they're good kids with a bright future' and isn't that funny? Men in their twenties who commit such a terrible act are still seen as such good kids? They deserve a bright future while the woman they hurt will live the rest of her life probably paranoid and always thinking of herself as slightly broken and how is that fair? It wasn't and it's Rafael's job to make sure they didn't get that bright future, that he got justice but he was going to fail, his notes didn't make sense and he was beginning to feel confused about what he has asked and what he hasn't and who the fuck is he supposed to be questioning?
"Mr. Barba?" Rafael's head looked up, meeting the eyes of the Judge, "Are you planning on cross-examining this witness today?" Rafael felt his face flush, he didn't even realise that Buchanan had finished.
"Yes, sorry your Honour..." Rafael glanced at the witness, trying to put a face to the name as he rifled through the papers on his desk, he heard his pen fall off the table and roll across the floor but he ignored it.
"Mr. Barba?" Rafael waved a hand to signal he was okay and that satisfied the Judge. He stood up, hoping he had the correct witness statement in hand.
"So..." He started, unsure where to go with it, he had nothing planned in his head and he could feel himself shaking, "You... In your..." He couldn't read what was on the paper, "In your statement you told... told... Detective..." Rafael turned his head, looking for Sonny, he was sat only a few rows back, "Sonny..."
"Who?" Rafael shut his eyes and shook his head, focusing back on the witness, who looked just as confused as Rafael felt.
"Sorry, Carisi, Detective Carisi, you told him that you were leaving the club at ten thirty the evening of Friday ninth, correct?"
"Yes, because it's true." The guy looked cocky, Rafael wanted to hit him.
"Oh, it's the truth is it?" Rafael turned back to his desk, looking for a photo of surveillance footage to prove otherwise but his hands were shaking worse than before and the lights felt brighter; he couldn't breathe, something felt really wrong.
"Mr. Barba, what is going on?" The Judge asked and Rafael wish he could answer her.
"Uh... Prosecution would like to request a recess please, your Honour." Rafael said, he didn't turn to face her.
"On what grounds?" Rafael managed to make eye contact with Sonny, the hate that had been there a few days ago was replaced with nothing but fear and concern.
"I..." Rafael managed to push himself away from his desk so he could look at the Judge, "I don't feel great." Rafael didn't hear what the Judge replied with, not like it mattered as he felt his eyes roll back into his head before coming into contact with the hard floor of the courtroom. The last thing he heard was Sonny's shout of "Rafael!" before he was out cold.
Sonny was sat beside him when Rafael came to, he was holding his hand and Rafael wanted to cry; this was the first time they had any form of physical contact in weeks and it had to be because Rafael somehow ended up in hospital. He didn't move, content just to look at Sonny a little longer before the inevitable happened, Sonny hadn't noticed that he was awake now, he was just staring at Rafael's hand and muttering something that sounded an awful lot like a prayer under his breath. Rafael didn't want to interrupt but then Sonny looked up and caught his eye; "Rafael, you're awake."
"It seems that way," Rafael broke eye contact, leaning back on the pillow and shutting his eyes against the lights, "What happened?"
"I don't know, you were a mess," Sonny said, "I've never see you like that, where ever you were wasn't in the courtroom, you were shaking and stuttering and I thought you were going to be sick but instead you just fell backwards, it was terrifying."
"I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sonny asked, his voice was even but Rafael could hear the small cracks in it, "Why didn't you tell me you felt so unwell?"
"Wasn't important."
"Rafe... you passed out in front of everyone in the middle of court, giving yourself concussion from hitting your head off the floor," Sonny sighed, "Then doctors are asking me all these questions about when the last time you ate or drank anything was, whether you were prone recently to panic attacks and I felt like the shittiest person in the world because I didn't know what to say."
"Sonny, I..." Rafael opened his eyes and turned to look at Sonny, ready to tell him everything but he was cut off when a passing doctor came to see him; he turned to her instead, confession dying on his tongue.
"Mr. Barba, you're awake, how are you feeling?" She asked as she walked into the room, her smile was warm but she looked tired and Rafael didn't blame her.
"Fine."
"You don't look it," Rafael wished people would stop pointing out how bad he looked, "According to this," She said, looking at some paperwork in her hands, "You collapsed, now I just need to ask a few questions to see what the cause was."
"Okay."
"So we ran tests and they all came back negative which is good news that it's nothing serious," She said, "When was the last time you drank something, not coffee or alcohol but water?"
"I don't know," Rafael sighed, "It's been a while I guess."
"Okay, what about eating? Have you been having regular meals?"
"No," Rafael wished that Sonny wasn't in the room right now, he felt so ashamed saying all this in front of him, "I don't think I've eaten regular meals in weeks... just snacking between case loads." The doctor let out a disappointed hum.
"And sleep? How has that been?" She asked, "Regular? Decent?"
"The sleep I do get has been shit lately," Rafael admitted, "But that's my fault, working too much I guess."
"Okay... and what about panic or anxiety attacks? Are you prone to those?" Rafael sighed.
"I used to be on medication for anxiety but I haven't been on for years now," He said, "I guess I've had a few anxiety attacks since, but nothing on this scale for a while now... my last one on this scale was probably just over a year ago."
"I didn't know that." Sonny said, he was frowning.
"I didn't want to worry you, I was fine."
"Like you're fine now, huh?"
"Sonny... please," Rafael turned to look at him, begging him with his eyes, "Not here." Sonny just nodded.
"And how is home life?" The doctor asked, looking between Rafael and Sonny, she looked a little concerned, "I'm sensing a little tension right now."
"Yeah, I guess you could call it tension," Sonny said, "It's stressful at the moment."
"Okay," The doctor looked back at her notes, "Really, all I can say that caused this attack is the fact you've not been taking care of yourself, you were in court when it happened right?"
"Yeah, I was talking to a witness."
"An important case?"
"Aren't they all?" Rafael said, the doctor smiled at that.
"Touché," She said, "But, was it stressful?"
"Yeah, you could say so."
"Then that's my guess at what caused the anxiety attack, a mix of stress and bad self care, you need to be eating better and drinking more, sleep is important too so that you don't overexert yourself again and end up back in here."
"Is that it? Can I go home?" Rafael asked.
"Yeah, there's no need to keep you any longer, but you have to start looking after yourself Mr. Barba, you were lucky you didn't hit your head harder and that you were surrounded by people," She looked sad for a moment, "Next time you might not be so lucky, it's dangerous."
"There won't be a next time," Sonny said, "I'll make sure of it." The doctor was smiling again.
"I feel like I'm leaving him in capable hands, Mr..."
"Carisi."
"Mr. Carisi," She nodded, looking at Rafael, "You're a lucky man to have someone so caring, I'm going to put together your release forms, they'll be waiting at the front desk for you, but I mean what I said Mr. Barba."
"I got it."
"Good, take care." She flashed them another smile and then she was gone, leaving an awkward silence in the room. Sonny let go of Rafael's hand and stood up, grabbing some folded clothes from a chair in the room and chucked them at the end of the bed.
"Get changed, I'll be at the front desk."
"Sonny..."
"No, don't say anything," Sonny refused to look at him, "Get dressed and we can talk at home." Rafael watched him walk out of the room. Rafael felt his chest tightening, Sonny hated him, he'd fucked up so badly that he actually hated him but isn't that what he wanted? He wanted Sonny to leave him, right?
Another anxiety attack hit Rafael, not as badly as before that made him pass out but he felt close to it again. He didn't want to go home, he knew exactly what was going to happen, Sonny would tell him he was leaving, that Rafael had pushed him too far. He was going to walk out their front door and Rafael would never see him again because there was no chance he was going to stay on as ADA if that happened, he'd just fuck off somewhere new where nobody knew him and that would be better for everyone. Fuck, he was pathetic.
Sonny didn't say anything to Rafael when he joined him at reception, if Sonny noticed how red rimmed Rafael's eyes were from crying, he didn't mention it. Rafael signed the forms and followed Sonny outside, thinking they were going to catch a cab but there was Mike, standing beside his car and Rafael felt sick; was this how Sonny was going to tell him? That he was leaving him for his work husband and, god, Rafael really hated that nickname.
Mike tried speaking to him, asked him how he was feeling but Rafael struggled to get any words back out. Mike wasn't offended, told him he understood, that he was probably beat and that just gave Rafael further evidence at how amazing this stupid man was. Sonny sat in the back seat next to Rafael and gave Mike his address, Rafael pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window, shutting his eyes and falling into an empty sleep while Sonny struck up conversation with Mike.
Sonny woke him gently when they had pulled up outside their apartment block, they helped him out of the car and said goodnight to Mike, Rafael was surprised; he was so certain that Mike would wait for Sonny but maybe he'd come back after Sonny had left him. The thought made him wobble on his feet and Sonny grabbed him, helping him into the building, holding him close into the elevator and walked him to their apartment and into the sitting room; "Are you hungry?" Sonny asked, which wasn't a question Rafael was expecting as he stood in the middle of the room, confused.
"Huh?"
"I'll make something, go take a shower, it might help you feel better." Sonny wasn't looking at him but Rafael nodded, slowly making his way to their bedroom, tears back in his eyes because he just couldn't understand what the fuck was going on, why was Sonny dragging this out? Why couldn't he just tell him that they didn't love him anymore and leave?
The shower didn't make anything feel better, he was too anxious to enjoy it and he put the water on too hot to try and scrub away the embarrassment he felt but it didn't work, it only made his skin bright red and tender. He stepped out of the shower and wiped away the condensation from the mirror, grimacing as he realised he looked even worse than he had when these insecurities had reared their ugly heads. His hair was greyer, his skin was dull and he just looked exhausted.
Rafael got changed into a loose pair of sweats and Sonny's old Fordham hoodie that he probably only wore about five times before Rafael stole it. He liked how it made him feel safe, it was too long for him on his body and the sleeves covered his hands which Sonny always found cute. Sonny stole Rafael's Harvard hoodie that he didn't even realise he still owned, but Sonny looked amazing in it, it fit his body perfectly where it was too long on Rafael, but the sleeves stopped just above the wrists because his arms were longer but he didn't care. Neither did Rafael, but the thought of never seen Sonny wear it again sent another wave of anxiety through him. This was really happening.
He walked back into the sitting room, it smelt homely and Rafael noticed that Sonny had made a pasta dish that was one of Rafael's favourite comfort foods, what was Sonny's plan? Feed him one of his favourite meals to soften the blow? It wouldn't work, Rafael didn't want pasta dishes, he wanted to fix his relationship but there was no chance now. Not when he locked eyes with Sonny who was sitting in the arm chair, he looked angry and Rafael knew he was, the arm chair was only ever used by company or when they cuddled and Sonny was not in a cuddling looking mood. Rafael sat on the furthest end of the couch, away from Sonny.
The air was awkward, neither of them ready to make the first move, Rafael felt even worse as he tried to eat because it was just making him feel sick, he spent more time pushing it around the dish which just seemed to upset Sonny more; "You need to eat."
"I'm not hungry." Rafael muttered, it was the wrong response as Sonny harshly put his own dish down on the coffee table, the fork falling out and clanging loudly against the wood, Rafael felt his throat tighten.
"For fuck sake, Rafe," Sonny said, "You were just told by a doctor that you need to eat, I gave you food so why won't you eat it?"
"I just... I feel a bit unwell, I'm sorry."
"Unwell? It's not wonder considering you've probably spent the last month drinking coffee, eating trail mix and sleeping three hours a week," Sonny stood up so he could pace, it made Rafael feel small, "I don't understand where everything went wrong, we were fine then one day you stopped coming home."
"Sonny, please..."
"Shut up, it's my turn to talk," Sonny snapped, "You've been avoiding me, you're working late and taking on more and more cases, when you are home it's like you want to be anywhere else but with me, I don't understand? How could we go from 'let's get married' to complete strangers so quickly?" Sonny crossed his arms over his chest, "When the nurses were trying to get me answer questions about your diet and your mental state I suddenly realised that I didn't know who the fuck you were."
"Sonny..."
"You're going to be my husband, and I couldn't even tell them the last time you had a proper meal because if you were having them it wasn't with me," Sonny continued, ignoring Rafael's plea, "Every time I tried to touch you, you'd recoil and it's heartbreaking, then you'd leave the precinct without saying goodbye, I can't remember the last time we kissed or had sex or even said 'I love you', it's driving me insane because I don't know where I stand with you anymore." Rafael watched the way Sonny unfolded his arms and started messing with his own engagement ring, his chest felt like it was constricting, it was the same feeling he had in court and back at the hospital.
"I..." Rafael didn't know what to say, "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" Sonny scoffed, "And that's supposed to magically fix everything is it? You apologise and suddenly I'm supposed to understand why you've been acting so strange... are you cheating on me?"
"No," Rafael gripped the sleeves covering his hands tightly, "No, I'd never..."
"You'd never? I was so sure of it, or maybe I was just hoping that was the case, this would be so much easier if it was."
"If you're leaving... just go." Rafael's eyes were unfocused, he tried to calm his breathing but he was struggling.
"Leaving?" Sonny stopped pacing and turned to look at Rafael finally, "What are you talking about?"
"If... if you're leaving me..." Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears as he hugged himself tightly, trying to find some comfort, "Just do it and go, please." Sonny didn't say anything, he just stared a little longer which made Rafael feel even worse.
"Who said I was leaving you?" Sonny's voice was softer now, he pushed Rafael's dish out of the way and sat on the coffee table.
"You're making it pretty clear right now."
"No, Rafe... baby, I'm not going anywhere," Sonny said, his hand hovering over his knee like they were scared to touch him, "I just need you to talk to me, tell me what's happening so I can fix it."
"You can't," Rafael wanted to cry as Sonny's hand finally rested on his knee, "You can't fix it, it's not something you've done... it's me."
"What?" Sonny's other hand moved to cup Rafael's cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears that fell from his closed eyes, "Baby, what have you done?"
"No, not like that," Rafael opened his eyes and looked at Sonny, "It's me, I'm what's wrong with this relationship, it's nothing you've done or anything about you, you... you're perfect Sonny, you mean everything to me and I love you but..."
"But?"
"But... I'm no good for you," Rafael hated the way his breathing became a struggle, like he couldn't get in enough, and the sobbing that had started really didn't help, "I'm just bringing you down and stopping you from living your life and... and... and..."
"Shh..." Sonny moved to kneel between Rafael's legs, both hands on his face now, "Stop talking and just breath okay, just breath with me," They said, "Come on, that's it, in through your nose for four... hold for seven, good, you're doing so good, out of your mouth for eight..." Sonny breathed with him, helping him calm down; Rafael hadn't needed to use 8-4-7 breathing techniques for his anxiety in a while, he had gotten good at controlling it and working around it. This felt like a set back of sorts.
"I'm sorry." Rafael whispered, Sonny kissed his forehead.
"No, don't be," They said, wiping away some more tears, "You just need to explain what is going on inside that head of yours, I don't understand what you mean." Rafael didn't know where to start.
"I... I'm too old for you," He said, "In a few years I'll be fifty and then what? You still so young and spritely compared to me, you deserve someone your own age, you deserve someone who isn't... me."
"Rafael... where is this coming from?" Sonny sounded so sad, "This is so unlike you, I don't understand."
"I've just been thinking lately," Rafael hugged himself tighter, "I'm getting on, I /look/ old, my suits don't fit me right anymore and..."
"Your suits fit you just fine, what are you talking about?"
"No they don't, I've put on weight and I didn't even notice until a few months ago, I've had to adjust my suspenders and the buttons on my shirt leave gaps in between and..."
"Is this why you're not eating? Rafael, that's so dangerous baby," Sonny moved their hands from his face and to his shoulders, massaging gently, "Why didn't you mention you were feeling this way? If you felt bad we could have made changes, we could take up running again because I know you liked that, you didn't have to sit with these thoughts alone."
"I feel so stupid," He said, "I let him get under my skin and..."
"Who?" Sonny frowned, "Who got under your skin?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does."
"Sonny..."
"Rafael, tell me, who got under your skin?" Rafael sighed.
"Buchanan."
"What the fuck did that bastard do?" Sonny's grip tightened a little.
"He mentioned that I was getting too old for the office, I should have ignored him but it got me thinking and he was right, I'm not who I was when I first started, I'm not even who I was when we first met... and if I'm getting too old for the courtroom... then I'm definitely too old to be with you."
"Idiot," Rafael moved back a little, he knew Sonny would agree that he... "No, not you," oh, "That fucking asshole."
"Sonny?"
"He had no right to say that, and has he looked at himself? He's older than you and he's a vile person, defends the vilest of people and that's just a reflection of his character but you... baby, you are wonderful," Sonny's hands ran down his arms, "You are so wonderful, you're smart and passionate and you shouldn't listen to him, you're not the same as when we first met but neither am I, we've grown together, made changes together, because that's what couples do."
"I..." Rafael didn't know what to say, again, Sonny's words catching him off-guard.
"We've been together for so long now, there's been nobody else but you on my mind since the day we met, so what if you're older than me?" Sonny shrugged, "I think it's sexy, I think you're sexy, the things you probably hate about yourself I love."
"Really?" Rafael's voice held doubt but Sonny smiled, kissing him softly for the first time in weeks.
"Come with me."
"Where are we going?"
"The bedroom, I have somethings I want to tell you but we'd be more comfortable there." Rafael nodded, letting Sonny take his hand and guide him down the hall to their room, he let Sonny push him backwards onto the bed, shuffling back into the pillows like they told him to when he remembered something.
"What about Mike?"
"What?" Sonny rose an eyebrow as he got on his knees at the foot of the bed, hands wrapping around Rafael's ankles.
"Mike... I... it's really dumb."
"Tell me."
"I... I just thought that... maybe..." Rafael covered his face with his hands, "You'd leave me for him." Rafael did not expect that laughter that came from Sonny.
"Me? Leave you? For Mike?" Sonny pulled on Rafael's ankles, dragging him down the bed so that his head rest on the pillows but he was laying flat on his back, Rafael let out a surprised yelp, "Maybe you are a dumbass."
"Shut up," Rafael said, moving his hands, laughter bubbling in his own throat, "He's cute, you two get on really well and Rollins calls you work husbands and..."
"Sounds like your a little jealous," Sonny said, crawling up the bed so he was hovering above him, hands at either side of his head, he was smirking, his eyes filled with playfulness, "Is that what you've been at the precinct so little?"
"I couldn't stop thinking about how much better for you he is than me." Sonny's smirk turned into a soft smile.
"That's stupid talk, Mike's great and he's my best friend but he isn't you," Sonny dipped his head to kiss Rafael, "Nobody compares to you."
"That's so corny."
"Are you complaining?" Rafael laughed, reaching out to touch Sonny's face, his fingers shaking as he finally touched warm skin.
"No." Sonny kissed him again, Rafael would have cried if he possibly had anymore tears left in him. He'd missed this, he missed Sonny so much and he felt so stupid for nearly destroying everything they worked so hard to build.
"I love you," Sonny whispered, pulling away far enough that his lips still brushed Rafael's as he spoke, "I love everything about you," He pressed soft kisses to the corner of Rafael's mouth, his cheek, right up to the corner of his eyes, "I love the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh or when you smile, it's so beautiful," His lips carried up, kissing his temples, his eyebrows, his forehead, "And when you furrow your brow... it takes me everything not to kiss you there and then."
"You should do it." Sonny laughed.
"Yeah, because the rest of the squad would love to watch us make out." Rafael laughed at that too, Sonny kept kissing up until he was pressing kisses into his hair, Rafael's hands settled on their hips, "I love your hair, I love the silvers in it and don't you dare say there's anything bad about grey when I think I greyed faster than you."
"It suits you." Rafael said, shutting his eyes as Sonny kissed down the other side of his face, reaching his ear.
"And it makes you look so sexy," Sonny bit his ear lobe before moving his kisses to his jaw, his throat, anywhere with exposed skin, "There's so much about you that I love, so much that you seem to hate and I had no idea about, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you baby."
"I don't deserve you."
"You do," Sonny sat up, sitting in Rafael's lap as he gently pulled on the hem of the Fordham hoodie, "You deserve more than you think you do," Rafael opened his eyes and looked up at Sonny, "I love the way you look in this hoodie, but I love how you look without it... can I take it off?"
"I... I'm not sure, I..."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes." There was no hesitation in Rafael's answer.
"Do you trust me to stop if you get too overwhelmed or uncomfortable?" Rafael nodded, "I need to hear you say it, baby."
"Yes, I trust you."
"Can I take the hoodie off?" Rafael took a deep breath, he trusted Sonny.
"Okay." Sonny pulled the hoodie over Rafael's stomach, maneuvering him to be able to pull it from his arms and over his head, throwing it to the floor when it was off, Rafael felt exposed.
"How do you feel?"
"Open... a little anxious."
"Why?" Sonny ran his hands down Rafael's chest, finger tips grazing his nipples on the way back up, "What makes you feel like that?"
"I... I just feel..." Rafael looked at the ceiling, "I don't feel confident anymore, not with how I look, I worry that you..." Rafael let the sentence hang in the air, but Sonny understood, they hadn't lost that connection.
"You worry I won't like what I see?" Rafael nodded, "Oh baby, you are so wrong," Sonny's fingers stopped briefly in his chest hair, his breathing stuttering as he then spread both hands over his pecs, "I find you irresistible, fuck, you have no idea what you do to me," Sonny squeezed softly before moving his hands to Rafael stomach, "And your tummy? Every time I see it peaking a little under a waist coat or rolling slightly when you sit... I want to get my hands on you, you take my breath away," Sonny leaned down to press kisses over his chest, his hands still roaming his tummy, "You drive me wild but you also make me want to wrap my hands around you, you're so cuddly and warm and soft."
"I never thought being called 'cuddly' would make me feel good about myself."
"Does it?"
"Yeah, when you say it." Sonny smiled against his skin, Rafael could feel it.
"Then I'll say it more often, you always did give the best cuddles and I've missed them, the bed is so cold when you don't sleep beside me."
"I'm sorry," Rafael looked down, watching the way Sonny dragged his tongue down his sternum, "I'm so sorry for pushing you away." Sonny kissed just above his bellybutton.
"You're here now," They kissed just below his bellybutton, pulling down the waist band of his sweatpants as he kissed down his navel, "That's what matters, you're here now."
"I love you," Rafael tangled his fingers in Sonny's hair, making it messy but he didn't care, not when Sonny was being so caring after everything he's done, "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Sonny met his eyes, hands settling on his hips, "I promise that we'll get through whatever it is you're struggling with, but you have to let me in."
"I will, I promise." Sonny smiled up at him, hooking his fingers in the waistband of his sweatpants, asking for permission with his eyes; Rafael nodded.
Sonny dragged them down his thighs, Rafael letting go of his hair so that they could sit up, moving down with the sweatpants until he was sitting back at the foot of the bed, Rafael completely exposed now and he subconsciously tried to cover himself but Sonny took his hands in his own, putting them back on the mattress by his sides, shaking his head; "Don't." He whispered.
"I feel like it's a little unfair here," Rafael said, trying to make his voice sound jokey but instead it shook, "Being the only one naked."
"I can change that, baby," Sonny said, unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging it off, tossing it onto the floor, his undershirt followed it quickly and for the first time Rafael realised that Sonny had put on a little weight, not as much as himself but their belly wasn't as flat and as toned as when they first met. Rafael sat up, pressing his fingers gently against the soft warmth of his tummy, "Looks like my home cooking it getting to us both." Sonny laughed, running his fingers through Rafael's hair, he didn't sound insecure, he sounded like he embraced it.
"I..." Rafael's words caught in his throat, Sonny with a little tummy made him feel things he hadn't before. He leant forward and bit at where it poked ever so slightly over the waistline of his pants, Sonny laughed again, louder this time as Rafael bit up his stomach, leaving light marks as he went, until he reached just under his ribs, "You're so beautiful."
"This is supposed to be about you, not me," Sonny threaded his fingers through Rafe's hair, smiling down at him, "But thank you." It was the first time that Rafael realised that Sonny was looking softer, he was less sharp edges and more soft curves and Rafael couldn't take his eyes off him.
"I've underappreciated you." Sonny shook his head, quickly kissing him before pushing him back down into the mattress, spreading Rafael's legs so he could sit between them.
"Stop talking," Sonny picked up his right leg, pressing a kiss against his ankle, "Let me show you how much I love you and your body."
"I don't think I'm going to be up for anything, I'm so tired." Sonny pressed another kiss to his ankle, then to his calf, they were open mouthed and warm.
"This isn't about sex, I'm not doing this to get that type of reaction from you," Sonny said, "I just need to do this, if that's okay?"
"Yeah," Rafael could take his eyes off the way Sonny kissed up to his knees, biting at his thighs, leaving small purple bruises as he went, "It's okay."
"Good," Sonny gently put his right leg down and gave his left leg the same treatment, "Fuck, Rafe... your legs, you have no idea what they do to me," Sonny said, he sounded in awe, "The way you strut around the courtroom, like you own the place and maybe you do, you look so natural when you're there," Sonny kept moving his lips along the inside of his thigh, alternating between wet, open mouthed kisses and biting, "And the way your thighs looking in your pants? So thick and muscular? And don't even get me started on your ass, I would write sonnets on it if I knew how to write poetry," Sonny laughed lightly against his skin, it made Rafael shiver, "I often wonder how people can focus on what you're saying, that day I shadowed you and I got to see you up close while presenting... I thought I was going to have to ask for a recess, I couldn't keep my eyes off you." Rafael let out a noise that was somewhere between a whimper and a laugh.
"I don't know if any Judge would grant a recess on grounds of being hard in court." Sonny laughed against his skin, it tickled.
"Maybe if it was a Judge with a dick, maybe they'd take sympathy on me," Sonny said, lowering his leg and then leaning down so he could nip at his groin, "I had to try and think many holy thoughts that day, begging God to give me a break so I could walk out unnoticed, it's easy to slip out when I'm sat at the back, not so much when I'm in plain view of a jury." Rafael groaned, he didn't know how he'd be able to go back to work knowing this little bit of information.
"Did the Lord take pity?" Rafael murmured, watching through his eyelashes as Sonny who was dragging his tongue from one side of his groin to the other, his nails raking up his thighs, stopping on his hips and digging in. Sonny smirked against his skin.
"He gave me the strength and willpower to calm myself down until we got to your office, do you remember that?" Rafael nodded, he remembered that day so clearly because Sonny had practically jumped him the moment his door was shut, it had just been a clash of teeth and grabbing of clothes and borderline brutal passion, "You let me take full control, let me take you over your desk, the door unlocked, anyone could have walked in."
"I don't think I'd care if we caught," Rafael admitted, Sonny biting and sucking bruises into this tummy, his nails now trialing up his sides, leaving red scratches up as he went, "I don't think I'd care who'd see us together."
"Now, isn't that something to explore further?" Sonny muttered against his skin, his voice low and sultry and Rafael hated how exhausted his body was right now because the emotions still stirred inside him, "I can't get enough of your tummy, Rafe... you have no idea, you really don't."
"You're right, I have no idea," Rafael gasped when Sonny pressed the flat of his tongue against and slowly dragged it up his body, stopping just over his heart where he sucked a small bruise into his skin, "It's just been another reason to avoid the mirrors lately."
"That hurts to hear," Sonny whispered, "I wish you could embrace everything about you, wear that confidence for real because, holy fuck, you really are the most gorgeous man I have ever seen, the day you walked into the precinct to work on that first case, I was so nervous, I was the lanky newbie with a horrendous tash..."
"No, don't insult the mustache, I actually liked it," Rafael admitted, "Was a little sad when it went."
"Maybe I'll grow another, just for you," Sonny smiled up at him, his hands now smoothing gently over Rafael's upper arms, "But I really was nervous, you had this intimidating air about you, Amanda tried to warn me off by telling me what an asshole you were but I didn't care, I just wanted you so badly, I couldn't get you out of my head for /days/."
"Oh?"
"I was infatuated," Sonny pressed he cheek against Rafael's stomach, sighing as he shut his eyes, a small smile on his face, "I thought I was annoying you but I couldn't stop myself, the more I saw you work the more I wanted you, the more I got to know you... the more I fell in love with you." He rubbed his face lightly against Rafael's tummy, it reminded him of a house cat, Rafael ran his fingers through Sonny's hair.
"You never annoyed me, I was scared to let you in."
"I'm so glad you did," Sonny said, smile widening as Rafael massaged his scalp, "There's nowhere else I'd rather be than in your life and in your arms, you make me feel so safe, baby, so safe."
"Sonny..." Rafael could feel the tears in his eyes, this almost felt too much, too tender, Sonny's touches and kisses and words felt so much like body worship; he knew it wouldn't fix his thoughts, not right away, but it made him forget for the moment.
"I just want to hold you close tonight, is that okay? Will you let me do that?"
"Yes." Neither of them spoke again, not for a little while. Rafael continued to massage Sonny's head, Sonny barely moved besides how he would occasionally rub his face against Rafael or press small kisses into his skin.
It was nice, having this contact with Sonny, even when he had moved, laughing about how his back was beginning to ache from the position, it still felt nice and the air felt breathable between them again. Rafael stayed in bed while Sonny went about turning out the lights in the apartment, bringing in some water to put on Rafael's bedside table which they made him promise to drink.
Sonny stripped from the rest of his clothes, leaving them on the floor like Rafael's, his skin warm against Rafael's as he pressed their torso against his back, wrapping his arms around his waist, hands resting on Rafael's tummy, almost like Sonny couldn't get enough of touching it. It made Rafael feel safe, for the first time in weeks he felt calm and he wanted to cry but he was so exhausted, the day finally catching up to him so he let Sonny pull the covers over them, let them hold Rafael close and press kisses behind his ears, let them whisper niceties into his ear, both of them saying 'I love you' before sleep finally took over.
Sonny was still holding him the next morning which made Rafael smile, reminded him that last night hadn't been a dream. He let himself enjoy the contact, enjoy his partners warmth until he remembered the day before, remembered what happened in court; he sat upright, it made his head spin.
"Baby? What's wrong?" Sonny mumbled from beside him, rubbing his eyes.
"Court, the case... what's happening with it?" Rafael asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I collapsed in court, in the middle of a trial," Rafael said, "I fucked up, what's going to happen now?"
"Oh..." Sonny sat upright, "I don't really remember what happened in the court, but Liv mentioned that she was told you were going on leave, but I couldn't focus, I was just so worried about you... I'm sorry."
"No, this isn't on you, this is my fault," Rafael ran a hand down his face, "I can't go on leave, not with this case unfinished."
"I don't think you're going to have much choice," Sonny sat up too, kneeling behind Rafael so he could wrap his arms around him, resting his chin on his shoulder, "If they say that's what you have to do then..."
"I know, but I have to talk to the Judge, to the DA, whoever, I need them to just let me finish this trial."
"I don't know if..."
"Sonny," Rafael leaned back into him, "I can't let them get away, nobody else can be caught up to speed and I can't have this case being pushed back or... or end up as a mistrial because of me and..."
"Shh..." Sonny hugged him tighter, "It's okay, I'll take you in, you can go talk to whoever it is you need to talk to but if they tell you to go on leave, please don't fight them, you need to try and get yourself back on track." Rafael nodded.
"If that's what they tell me to do, then fine, I promise."
"Good," Sonny kissed his shoulder then checked his watch, "It's nearly seven, I'm going to make some breakfast for us then I'll take you into work, don't... don't over work yourself though, okay?"
"Okay."
"Great, drink that water, I'll be in the kitchen." Sonny kissed him again before slipping out of the bed, he grabbed his boxers from the pile of clothes on the floor and pulled them on as he left the room, "Rafe?" Sonny said, stopping in the doorway, turning to face him.
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too." Sonny smiled and then he was gone.
Rafael felt anxious the whole morning, struggling down the water and the breakfast that Sonny gave him, ignoring the texts from Liv as Sonny drove them to the court. Rafael had made a few calls and managed to convince the Judge to meet him, he had his case files with him ready to get this case over and done with, his mind feeling clearer because of Sonny last night.
Sonny dropped him off, they wanted to go in with him but Rafael kissed him, promised to call him and reminded him he had his own job to do. Sonny left him, once they were gone Rafael felt awful again, like everyone was staring at him but he held his head up high, tried to wear the confidence he was so used to before. He repeated some of Sonny's words from the night before to himself, reminding him that things were going to get better.
Sometimes Rafael managed to surprise himself, the meeting went well, he agreed to a few weeks off work to recover if he was allowed to complete the trial, Buchanan tried to convince the Judge he was incompetent, that if Rafael collapsed once then he'd do it again but Rafael still came out on top, won over the judge and by the end of the week, he had his conviction, leaving Buchanan in the dirt again.
The leave was going to be stressful, he made sure he stopped by to see Liv, keep her up to date and apologise for being so shitty, he even made more conversation with Mike, he still wasn't secure enough in himself to try and befriend him and he hated that he had to turn his back when Sonny was close to Mike; he wanted to embrace his partners new friendship, he wanted to be happy but he couldn't be, not yet.
Rafael was by himself for the first few days, he brought case files back with him, tried to get on with paper work but he couldn't focus. He thought after Sonny's grand worship of him he'd feel better but he couldn't fully relax, still uncomfortable in his own skin. By the fourth day of being in the apartment by himself, Sonny came back, letting him know that he's used some holiday time so he could spend time with him, so they could fix the rest of their relationship because they both knew that they had stuff they needed to work on.
They clashed the first day together, Rafael being too stuck into some paperwork, not eating the meals Sonny would make, by the third they couldn't keep their hands off each other like horny teenagers, reacquainting themselves, relearning where to touch and to kiss and to bite. By the sixth day, they were back to flipping through wedding magazines, and setting a date.
Rafael's insecurities were still there, small cracks were still needing to be fixed within their relationship from where he broke it, but they were working on it, things were looking up for them, by the second week he was able to hang out with Sonny and Mike and feel okay, Sonny would hold his hand and show him off and Mike would tease them and he made it so easy to like him. Every night Sonny would hold Rafael close, let him now how much they loved him, how much they loved the way he looked. Slowly Rafael started to believe him.
Rafael knew everything wasn't fixed, it wasn't back to normal but it was a start and that's all that matters.