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The problem with the complete Tony Stark experience was that it typically involved meeting at some boring charity event, getting drunk to cope with the boredom of said event and then making out in the cloak room. And the taxi. And the elevator. And the bed (assuming they made it that far with their clothes still on). The experience was completed with Pepper forcing the lucky person to sign a NDA the next morning.
Tony had met Loki at witchcraft shop so clearly step one was out. He couldn’t imagine being bored in Loki’s presence either though getting drunk did hold some appeal. Since when was magic real? How did it work? Why did no one know about it? Tony had so many questions, so, so many and no idea where to start because magic wasn’t supposed to be real and the laws of physics were supposed to be absolute.
Then there was the making out. That step was possibly still on the table but Loki could apparently teleport into the penthouse which cut out the cloakroom, taxi and elevator but hopefully not the bed. Shit. This was going to be a disaster.
“JARVIS, get Pepper on the line, tell her it’s an emergency.”
“Very well Sir,” JARVIS said. Tony looked through his wardrobe as the call connected. Did he wear a suit (usual Tony Stark experience attire) or jeans and a band shirt or…
“I have Ms Potts on the line Sir,” JARVIS said.
Thank god (who definitely isn’t real), Tony thought. “Hiya Pep, I need to know what to do for a first date.”
“That’s the emergency?” Pepper demanded. “I don’t need to reach into your chest again or deal with the board or increase the PR budget or rebuild the labs?”
“Uh, no,” Tony said, although the board always needed dealing with and the labs needed some new equipment and the PR team had been working a ridiculous amount of overtime lately. At least the arc reactor was working well and still firmly implanted in his chest.
“Your emergency is that playboy, billionaire, philanthropist Tony Stark needs to know what to do on a first date?”
“Yes?”
Pepper sighed. “Do you know what the other person likes?”
Being a troll. Magic. “Isn’t that what the first date is for?”
“Some sort of entertainment followed by dinner is usually acceptable,” Pepper said. “Perhaps Broadway or the Opera?”
Probably the suit then.
“Right,” Tony said, Loki had seemed pretty damned dramatic with his magic tricks, he could endure the opera for him, probably, and if not there was always the possibility of kissing in the shadows. “So I take him to the opera and then out to dinner? That’s it?” Tony asked, just to be sure. It couldn’t be that easy could it?
“Somewhere nice Tony,” Pepper said. “Candlelit tables and silverware, not greasy takeout, and have a limo pick you up and drop you off.”
“Right, right, I can do that,” Tony said, he’d just have to get JARVIS to organise everything.
“Will there be anything else Mr Stark?”
“That will be all Ms Potts,” Tony replied.
Tony honestly wasn’t sure how this first date thing was going. Loki seemed to be enjoying himself and they’d held hands as they walked to Tony’s favourite Italian restaurant. That was a good sign right? Now they were seated at a small table, Loki’s hand on his when he wasn’t gesturing as he spoke, gazing into each other’s eyes. There hadn’t been any kissing yet but they still had time. They hadn’t even had the starters yet.
“So where did you learn magic?” Tony said. Ugh, he couldn’t believe he just said that. He wanted to wash his mouth out with soap but magic was definitely real and he didn’t recall seeing any classes on it at MIT.
“Asgard,” Loki replied with that damned smug smirk he’d worn when he’d bet that magic was real. Not that Tony objected to losing said bet, he got a hot date and a whole new field to explore, but that smirk was not a good smirk.
“Is that in Norway or something?” Tony asked. Geography wasn’t his strong suit, particularly not when it involved tiny, tiny little towns no one had ever heard of but it sounded vaguely familiar and Norse-ish.
“Or something,” Loki said. “It’s a planetiod orbiting a blackhole.”
“No,” Tony said. “Just no.”
“No?” Loki repeated, arching an eyebrow.
“Do you really expect me to believe you learned magic from an alien? And don’t even get me started on the physics of that. Seriously? A planetoid in a stable orbit around a blackhole? No way would anything live there. That’s so far outside the Goldilocks zone.”
Loki sniffed. “I learned magic from my mother.”
Tony opened and shut his mouth a couple of times and then took a gulp of wine. “You’re an alien?”
“That’s a matter of perspective.”
Tony groaned. “Are you seriously telling me that you weren’t born on Earth?”
“That is correct,” Loki said. Tony was really beginning to hate that smirk (and maybe love it just a little).
“But you don’t look like an alien.” Loki looked like a perfectly normal human, well perfectly normal for an insanely hot and intelligent human anyway.
Loki blinked at him. “What do aliens look like then?”
“Uh, not humanoid? Like at all.” Biology wasn’t his field but he knew that there was no way aliens had evolved to look even vaguely humanoid. It was statistically impossible. It was a miracle that humans were humanoid and they were still filled with design flaws.
“Are you forgetting that I’m a master of illusions?”
Tony had actually. Loki was a lot to take in all at once. “Is that your way of telling me that you really have six tentacles, no mouth and can see radio waves?”
“No, that’s my way of telling you I have red eyes, blue skin, two horns and a body temperature below freezing,” Loki said blandly. He could have been talking about the weather.
“But you’re warm,” Tony said. Not super warm, his hand felt slightly cool actually, but definitely not below freezing.
Loki sighed. “I can shape-shift as well remember.”
Tony finished his wine and poured another glass. “You’re a shape-shifted alien magician.”
“Mage,” Loki corrected.
“Right. Anything else you want to tell me?” Tony asked, feeling like his brain might melt if it had to process anything else.
“Not at the moment,” Loki said because that wasn’t worrying at all. That could be future Tony’s problem though.
“Then what the hell are you doing running a witchcraft shop on Earth?” Tony asked. It was not what Tony would do if he had his own spaceship and a whole universe to explore. Did Loki have his own spaceship or had he caught some sort of interstellar taxi? He couldn’t have teleported from the nearest habitable planet could he?
“How else could I meet someone as interesting as you?” Loki purred. Okay, so maybe if he had his own spaceship Tony would use it to meet Loki but only because Loki was so fascinating.
“I am one of a kind,” Tony said more or less on autopilot, his brain having temporarily deserted him. He blamed Loki’s smile, or perhaps his voice, or maybe the casual way he delivered world breaking statements. It really wasn’t fair, he could have at least shapeshifted to be a less attractive human.
“Indeed,” Loki agreed, hiding his smile behind his wine glass. “What other secrets of the universe would you like to know?”
“All of them, duh,” Tony said.
“Alas, I fear our date will not last that long,” Loki said, “particularly as I suspect you want to put our mouths to uses other than talking.”
Yes, very much so but he could wait. There was science to be done first. “The complete Tony Stark experience wouldn’t be complete without a second date,” Tony said. And a third, and a fourth, and a fifth…
“I see,” Loki said, leaning back in his chair as the waiter delivered the entrees. “Well then, where shall we start?”