Chapter Text
The first time Jian had told James he loved him, James had not said it back. Jian hadn't expected him to and he didn't think he'd have believed him if he did.
"So, the first few lines of the movie are disconcerting, yes?"
And yet, as the months (four, to be precise) passed by, a tiny part of him was growing increasingly anxious.
"When I think of my wife, I always think of her head."
He spun his pen on his knuckles, watching with unfocused eyes.
"I picture cracking her lovely skull. Unspooling her brains."
He was aware it was pathetic. The pen fell off his desk.
"Trying to get answers."
He used his foot to roll it back toward himself. They were meeting up today; spending tonight and tomorrow together.
"The primal questions of any marriage."
It would be the first time in five weeks. When his pen was close enough, he leant over to pick it up.
"'What are you thinking?' 'How are you feeling?' 'What have we done to each other?'" Mrs. Farlow uncapped her whiteboard marker. "What is the purpose of opening the movie this way?"
Through the window, Jian watched a class of freshmen play soccer on the hockey turf.
* * *
He dug his hands into his hoodie pocket, rounding the corner of E block. The basketball season had ended last month and Jian wasn't particularly thrilled with all the free time he'd suddenly found himself with. Being busy was easier than not. A scowl darkened his face when his eyes found Noah Williams, laughing with two other seniors, just up ahead.
Noah, mid-laugh, spotted Jian and whistled. "There he is!"
Jian grit his teeth. Noah only did this when Jian was alone; Jian wondered if he was scared of Desmond and the others. He was about to look away when Noah lifted his right hand and mimed a blowjob. His two friends sniggered. Jian clenched his fists, stomach starting to turn.
"Always so unfriendly." Noah said as they got closer.
Jian glared and shouldered the taller of Noah's friends on his way past.
He got a muttered, "Faggot." in return.
Something ice-cold and thorny snarled through his gut. It wasn't a feeling he particularly minded.
He cut across the lower field to the back gates.
Part of him echoed the slur; the derision; the disgust. Part of him relished in it; settled in the back of his mind and sneered. You deserve worse.
James was picking him up from the tea shop opposite the art gallery.
Of course, Jian knew he didn't deserve worse. There was nothing wrong with him, not in regard to sexuality. The suggestion that there was implied something was also wrong with James. This implication made Jian angry.
It was about a 40 minute walk to the tea shop. And then he'd be waiting for at least another hour. James finished work at 5pm.
Nonetheless, Jian couldn't help finding a warped sort of validation in Noah's explicit hate. It was as if he were the exception; homophobia was inexcusable except in the case of Jian Nangong. In which homophobia had a very justified voice.
Noah's attitude toward his sexuality was easier to cope with than his friends' quiet support. Support which (for Jian's sake) they did their best not to acknowledge, but which occasionally slipped through the cracks. And each time it did, nausea swelled through Jian. It was so fucking messed up.
* * *
He passed Fuckoffee on his way to the tea shop and, after a brief moment of deliberation, shouldered the door open.
"Howdy, farm boy." Kendra hummed, hardly looking up from the coffee she was making.
Jian made a small noise in response, moving to the counter.
"You in a bad mood?" she asked, steaming milk. "You ever in a good mood?" She modified the question, shooting him a quick look.
"'M havin' an espresso."
Kendra snorted. "You don't like espressos."
"S'cheap."
"Give you a discount since you're so cute." she threw him a wink. "Half-price on a matcha latte?"
Jian set his jaw. "Espresso."
She clicked her tongue and finished up her coffee. "Stubborn." She murmured, pressing a lid on top of a takeout cup. "Sir." She smiled at the man hovering to Jian's left. "Your cappuccino." She handed it over and returned his quick thank you.
"So," she tapped Jian's order into her till. "you got plans for the weekend?" She watched Jian swipe his card.
"Mn." Jian answered, entering his pin.
Kendra started work on his drink. "You really are in a bad mood."
"Tired."
"Sure." her eyes rested on him for a moment before she sighed and refocused on her job. "Just lemme know if I can help, yeah?"
Jian swallowed and fixed his gaze on her purple nail polish. "Mn."
"How's school going?"
Jian bit the inside of his cheek. "'M so fucked."
Amusement pattered across her face. "Why?"
"Exams in a month."
Kendra laughed quietly. "Whose fault is it you never study?"
"Don't." Jian muttered.
Kendra glanced at him. "Fine." She slipped her hands into her apron pocket. "And how's the love of your life? James?" A smile found its way back to her face. "Why don't you study with him? Isn't he mad smart or something?"
Jian set his jaw.
From his occasional mentions of James, Kendra had drawn her own conclusion that he was also a student at Kinnick. Jian had never clarified. James had told him not to. Jian understood. He opened his mouth. He wasn't sure what was about to come out. His mind had been lagging nigh constantly today.
"He's thirty-four."
Oh.
Kendra fumbled with Jian's coffee. It landed on the floor.
Jian recognised he'd made a mistake.
He stood there, opposite Kendra, and felt-- numb.
There was panic, perhaps; anxiety and shame. But they were abstract and muted. He dug his nails into his palm and wondered why he was so out of it today.
"Shit." Kendra finally muttered, eyes dropping to the mess on her floor. She picked up Jian's empty takeout cup and dropped it in the bin. "You really coulda timed that better." She continued before disappearing into the backroom.
Jian idly considered leaving at this point.
Kendra reappeared, now wielding a mop.
Jian watched her wipe up the puddle and waited for her response to the small bombshell he'd dropped.
Kendra started on his coffee again once her floor was sufficiently clean. She wore a frown. Jian wasn't sure what it meant, but he didn't think it was anger or disgust.
"'Kay." she murmured, gaze on the machine before her. "I'm gonna need you to explain yourself, farm boy."
What was there to explain? "He--" Jian's mind moved sluggishly to find the right words. "-listens t' me 'n' looks after me."
"You're actually... dating, then?" Kendra asked, still not looking at Jian; still frowning.
"Yeah."
She let out a long, long sigh. "And you're, what?" She ran her eyes fleetingly over him. "Seventeen?" A lid was retrieved for Jian's coffee.
"Almost." he didn't think it was relevant.
"Almost." she echoed, brows furrowing some more. She fixed the lid on. "You don't have to answer this next question." She told him, sliding the coffee onto the counter and watching Jian hesitantly take it. "Have you had sex with him?"
Jian stared at the lip of his coffee lid. He couldn't answer that.
"Okay." Kendra filled the silence. "It's not-- important." She ran a hand through her hair. "Even if he's breaking the law." That part was a muttered afterthought.
"He'd've waited 'f I'd asked him to." Jian told her and he truly believed James would have. "I's the one that..."
Kendra sighed again. "Not to burst your little bubble, farm boy, but an adult man should know to say no if a child asks f-"
Jian finally felt something more acutely. He glared at Kendra. "-'m not a chil-"
"-yes you are, Jian." for the first time since he'd met her, her eyes were hard. "Under the law and in the eyes of most adults, you are a child."
And now Jian's anger was morphing into dread. Because he really had-- fucked up. In the truest sense of the words. And he didn't think he could fix this.
"Listen, Jian." Kendra tried to catch his eye and Jian was actively uncooperative. "I'm not judging you."
He scoffed.
She took no notice. "But I need to know you're safe."
"I am." he told her. "I-- I- it sounds fucked when-- but you don't know him. You don't--" He swallowed, putting his coffee back on the counter because he was beginning to grip the cardboard cup too hard. "-you don't know what it's like when we're-- t'gether."
"No." Kendra admitted quietly. "I don't."
Jian looked at the logo on her apron.
Kendra considered him for a lengthy moment.
At last, "Would you introduce me?"
Jian blinked, glancing up at her face. He'd not expected that. "I--" It would mean he would have to tell James he'd told Kendra. Which wasn't... something he wanted to do. "-yeah." He managed. "'Nly 'f he agrees."
Kendra smiled. Less than a curl of her lips. But a smile nonetheless.
Jian set his jaw and picked his coffee back up. "'M gonna go."
Kendra offered him a slight nod. "Take it easy man."
* * *
He didn't go into the tea shop because he didn't want to feel that awkward pressure to buy something. Instead, he sat on a bench between two trees on the footpath. His phone ran out of battery toward half-four and he stared at the black screen for a long while, then shoved it away and stared at the concrete beneath his shoes.
He was listlessly entertaining the idea of having a wander when someone dropped beside him. Normally, he'd be alarmed. But the way this person moved and the way their cologne smelt meant Jian didn't have to look to know who it was.
He bit his lip and nudged James's foot with his own. "Hi."
He got a gentle nudge back. "Hi." James stood. "I couldn't find parking 'round here, so we're on Leigh Street."
Jian got his things and pushed himself up, glancing at James as he slung his bag over his shoulder. He was wearing a tie today. He didn't usually. A navy suit, white shirt and maroon tie. He looked good.
"You seem tired." James said as they began up the street.
Jian swallowed and gave a small nod. "I am."
"Busy week?"
Jian stuffed his hands into his pockets. "No." He watched a skateboarder careen down the footpath across the road. "But I like bein' busy."
James hummed.
Jian shifted his gaze to James's hand. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring. Jian had noticed he'd begun taking it off before they met. Probably because he knew how it made Jian feel. Jian's chest twinged and he fixed his eyes back on the footpath.
* * *
They drove predominantly in silence. James had asked one or two questions and Jian had given one or two answers. Usually, silence between the two of them was of a warm, comfortable kind. And maybe that's what it was today. Jian couldn't tell. There was something heavy in his chest that was refusing to budge.
"Do you want to eat out?" James asked, fingers tapping ever so lightly against the wheel.
Jian did not. But he knew James liked to. "Mn."
"Okay." James hummed, glancing out his window. "Would you prefer Korean barbecue or Ebisu?"
"Korean barbecue." Jian said. Ebisu was a Japanese place James had taken him to a while ago. It was very fancy and very pricey. Jian had not been able to relax at all.
"Did I even need to ask?" James let out a breath of amusement. Indicators began to click dully before he switched lanes. Jian liked the sound of indicators. It was a clean noise; reassuring in a strange way he wasn't sure he understood.
He leant his head on the window, watching a red Toyota whizz past.
* * *
Jian was in charge of the meat. James watched with a fond expression.
They had a table in the back-left of the dimly lit restaurant. Jian was on the cushioned wall seat; James sat opposite.
Jian began snipping up their pork, gnawing on the inside of his lip.
James poured himself some more raspberry wine.
Jian hated the way it smelt.
"How long until exams start?"
Jian shot him a quick glare before refocusing on the meat.
James sighed lightly. "Did something happen?" He asked. "You're a bit off today."
Jian set the tongs and scissors aside. "C'we get some tteokbokki?"
James raised calm eyebrows. "Will you be able to eat that much?"
"Would I ask otherwise?" Jian muttered, taking up the tongs once more and poking a few bits of pork.
James watched him quietly.
Jian turned over a mushroom.
A waiter passed and James signalled him.
Jian watched with a lowered head as he asked for a serving of tteokbokki.
"Thanks." he murmured once the waiter had moved away.
James nodded and took a sip of his wine. Upon putting it down, he said, "Just promise to tell me what's going on later."
Jian stared at their sizzling food, chest twisting with unease. "Promise."
"Okay." James leant forward, a smile coming onto his face. "Guess what I watched last night."
Jian felt himself begin fractionally to relax; he liked when James smiled like this. "What?"
"Treasure Planet."
Jian snorted. He'd told James about that movie a month or two back, after watching it himself. He'd told James it was good. It wasn't. But Jian had enjoyed it anyway. "You like it?"
James laughed. "No." He watched Jian with dancing eyes. "Liam did, though."
"Least someone has good taste." Jian muttered and James laughed again.
* * *
"Des applied t' some culinary schools." he told him, eyes on James's laptop. They were half-watching Our Planet. "Émilien Roche or somethin'."
"And the others want to study at Emerwich?" James was running his fingers through Jian's hair in absentminded patterns.
"Mn." Jian listened to David Attenborough educate them on phytoplankton. "S'cos we all wanna stay t'gether."
James hummed, grazing his nails gently over the nape of Jian's neck. "You're lucky with your friends."
Jian felt himself smile. "I know."
"What about you?" he asked. "D'you plan to move out for college?"
Jian's smile dipped. "Think I can afford it?"
"Student loan." James murmured. "And I'd be happy to-"
"-no." Jian cut in. "'M gonna get a job."
"A job?" James repeated, hand coming to rest around Jian's shoulders.
Jian watched the clouds on-screen bloom in a time-lapse. "When school ends."
James was quiet. A rumble of thunder sounded from their documentary.
Jian bit the inside of his cheek.
"What about when school starts again?" James finally asked. "D'you really think you'll have time for a job?"
Clouds continued to mushroom. "I'll figure it out."
More silence from James.
Mr. Attenborough explained the role phytoplankton play in cloud formation.
Jian got the feeling James was annoyed.
Eventually, however, James just released a soft exhale. "We'll talk about it later."
Jian scowled and wondered what there was to talk about.
James's hand moved back into his hair.
* * *
David Attenborough had just brought them to a deep-sea coral reef when conversation started again.
"You gonna keep your promise?" James asked, tone gentle and even.
Jian took a moment to remember what he was referring to. His stomach dropped.
"Baby?" James's thumb stroked the side of Jian's neck.
Anxiety began to claw at his chest. Jian dug his teeth into his lip and tried to ignore the soft brush of James's thumb. Fuck. He was gonna be angry. Jian was so stupid. He swallowed and slowly sat up, untangling himself from James.
James frowned, mirroring Jian's movements.
Jian's eyes flicked to the documentary still playing on the device between them, then to James's belt and then, finally, to the collar of James's shirt. "I--" His gut rolled. "-fucked up." He glanced at James's face for a fraction of a second, chest knotting because his expression was patient and concerned and that wasn't-- "I- I don't--" -Jian didn't want to make James angry. The idea made him feel ill. And yet he couldn't stand the gentle way James was watching him. "-I told Kendra." He said, voice quiet and lacking any of the complicated emotions he was currently feeling. "Wasn't thinkin'. It just-- came out."
James did not answer.
"The corals are made up of many anemone-like individuals; polyps that live in colonies, connected by a hard skeleton."
Panic rose from Jian's stomach, into his chest and up his throat.
"Told her what?" James broke the silence. His voice was also devoid of emotion. Jian felt like he was drowning.
"She thought you were also a- a student at-"
"-what did you tell her, Jian?"
Jian's throat clicked and he glanced up at James again. Just like his voice, his face was indifferent. Jian hated it. "She wants t'--" He hated it. "-meet you."
A beat passed.
The playful documentary soundtrack made a stark contrast to this new atmosphere.
"The polyps have stinging cells in their tentacles to snare passing prey, their only source of food."
Jian watched one such polyp snatch a passing plankton.
"For fuck's sake." James finally muttered, rubbing a hand over his face and looking to the side.
Jian lifted his eyes to the tense set of his jaw. He waited for James to say more. To get angry. To yell.
He waited for five seconds. Ten seconds. Half a minute.
David Attenborough went on about bristle worms.
James leant over and shut his laptop. Harsh.
Jian flinched unmeaningly at the sudden movement.
James stood and crossed to the balcony. He opened and closed the French door with a touch more force than necessary.
Jian watched him lean on the railing.
He had a shower.
He wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. Still, it was what he did. He'd almost gone out to James. But there was a reason James had chosen to be alone.
Jian bit his lip against the lump in his throat and cleaned himself the way he usually did before sex.
Presumptuous, perhaps, assuming James would want to touch him. But Jian's thinking was he'd at least be able to make James feel good. And that would be a start. A start to something; some sort of apology or reparation.
When Jian came out, sweatpants low on his waist and towel around his shoulders, James was on his phone on the bed. Seeing Jian, he dropped it aside and Jian deduced he'd been waiting. Hopefully not for long.
James watched him silently. Jian couldn't begin to decipher his expression. Anxiety and guilt churned in his gut. Water dripped down his neck from his poorly dried hair. The sound of him swallowing seemed to fill the entire hotel room.
James sighed and gestured for Jian to come closer. Jian didn't hesitate.
"I'll dry your hair." James said, hands guiding Jian into the position he wanted him in. Namely, on his knees between James's legs, facing away from him.
Jian gnawed on his lip as James began moving the towel over his hair.
"Do you understand why I'm upset?" James asked after a moment or two.
Jian swallowed, staring blankly at the bathroom door. "Yeah."
James was quiet again. His movements were somehow both rough and soft. "Then can you explain to me what you were thinking?"
The lump in Jian's throat was back. He wasn't sure he'd be able to speak around it. "I..." His brain was all jumbled. The only coherent thought was, "'m sorry."
James finished with his hair and dropped the towel to one side. Hands under Jian's armpits pulled him up before dropping to his waist and turning Jian to face him. "You're sorry?"
Jian's eyes began to water.
James's eyes were flinty. "You understand there could be actual, legal consequences? If I meet her and she-"
"-she wouldn't-" his voice was wobbly.
"-it would ruin my life, Jian. I would lose my job; my family." James told him and Jian clenched his fists, focused entirely on not crying. "I would lose you." And that statement meant Jian's efforts were in vain.
A weak sob slipped out. "I didn't mean-"
"-that's irrelevant." James cut in. "Because you did." The grip on Jian's hips sat on the very cusp of painful. "I don't care that you're sorry." James said and now his tone held a faintly biting edge. "It's not something you can take back. I told you not to-"
"-James." his cheeks were itchy with tears.
James watched him with a frosty gaze and set jaw.
Jian bit the inside of his cheek, trying to get a handle on his irregular little sobs. His chest hurt. "She- she-- she-" He didn't know what he was trying to say. "-she-- 'nly wants t' know 'm safe."
"And if she decides you're not?"
Jian's nose was runny. He sniffled and wiped his face. "But I am."
James let out a short sigh. "I love you," He muttered. "but sometimes you really piss me off."
And Jian--
-went cold. His body tensed impossibly further. Heat twisted in his chest. More tears dripped from his eyes. His head began to spin. His heart started pounding and it ached. Everything fucking ached and he couldn't keep up.
"What?" the word was small and broken.
James let go of his hips and rubbed both hands over his face. "You heard me." He murmured, dropping the hands and glancing at the bed's headboard.
Jian swallowed, took a moment to find something even remotely similar to composure, and, while he was still searching, his mouth moved without permission: "Why?"
James released a dry breath of laughter, looking back at him. "Is that what's important right now?"
Yes. Jian swallowed again and gave the slightest shake of his head.
James exhaled through his nose. A few seconds passed. And then, "Okay." he murmured. "You said she wouldn't report anything?"
Jian blinked, unprepared for this sudden shift from hard to soft. Still trying to process, he nodded. "She- she-- she ain't-- I don't- think she wants t' interfere." He managed, voice scratchy. "Think she just wants t'- t' see you. T' understand why-- 'm happy with you."
James nodded. "Okay." He repeated under his breath.
Jian watched him, unsure what to do.
James watched right back. "It's okay, baby." He finally said. "I just wish you'd have thought first."
Jian itched to say I'm sorry again, but something told him James didn't want to hear it.
James sighed. "We can figure it out tomorrow." He said, lifting a hand back to Jian's waist. The touch was gentle and warm.
Jian bit his lip and nodded.
James let out another breath, this one very quiet. "How about I make you cry some other way, hm?" The hand on his waist tugged and Jian unthinkingly straddled him. James pressed a kiss to his cheek. "That's what you were doing in the shower, yeah?" He asked. "Getting ready for me?"
Jian had never felt so many emotions in such a short span of time before. It was beyond disorientating. A painfully timid, "Yeah." snuck from his lips.
James smiled and gave him another quick kiss. "Lube's in my bag, baby."
Jian felt himself flush and nodded.
Thoughts ricochetted around his head. He couldn't get his footing. Yet still something burnt in the base of his gut. It wasn't arousal. It wasn't anxiety. It was joy.
A deep, intense joy.
Because the thought being bounced most regularly about his head was a relatively simple one:
He loves me.