Chapter Text
"She's so full of herself, who does she think she is?!"
One twirl
"Always looking down on us with those dead eyes of her's, like we're not even worth her attention."
Two twirls
"Must be real fun on that throne of hers as she tells her pitiful subjects all their flaws"
Three twirls
"The ever arrogant Ice Queen."
"Miss Nakamaru"
I halted my pencil spinning and looked up at the annoyed face of my science teacher.
"Have you been listening to a word I've been saying? Or is your pencil really that exciting to you?"
A rhetorical question, a way to embarrass me for my lack of focus. But said lack of focus caused the words to spill out of my lips before I can stop them-
"I haven't, no, and it's not that exciting, but it's more interesting than your lecture on alloys."
I already knew I'd made a mistake even before the class went dead silent and the rage covered his face in red. I looked down and noticed his finger twitch; it seems that he might have smacked me if touching a student weren't against the rules of the school. The urge to offer him a warning about his temper danced on my tongue, but this time I bit it back.
Just like I'd always trained myself, I bit it back.
"Go...stand in the hall." He finally managed to spit out, his voice low but obviously still laced with anger. I didn't need to be told twice, I made a quick bow and walked out of the classroom.
My face had been a cold, blank stare through the entire ordeal
As I closed the door behind me, I heard a chuckle and a whisper-
"As expected of the ice Queen."
I could hear a few snickers from behind the closed doors, as well as the teacher settling them all down, but that was behind me now. I just rested on the wall and did what I could to pass the time- playing with my oversized sweater's sleeve, twirling my long brown hair between my fingers, or once more playing with the guilty pencil, which I had neglected to leave on my desk as I left.
Of course, even if it was still class period, teachers, cleaning staff and students who had excused themselves to do stuff like go to the bathroom still littered the halls. As they passed me they whispered- about the "troublesome kid who was probably rude to the teacher again"; about the "arrogant Ice Queen who could look haughty even in the middle of punishment". The ever infamous "Rin Nakamura"
To say I don't mind the whispers would be a lie, but mostly, I envy them. It would be nice to whisper under your breath your feelings hidden away from others unless they strained their ears. People's issue with me lied in that I could never seem to whisper, only blurt. Only say the truth, or at least my own impression of the truth.
A weird disposition, an annoying curse. Of course all children had a stage where they couldn't help but be honest, to say all the thoughts that popped into their little heads, and as you grow older and learn social cues you learn to curb that habit and lie when the situation required. I learnt it just like any child but I couldn't do that, couldn't lie. For some reason, I just wasn't able to, even if I think of a lie, the truth would escape my lips. An unfortunate curse to have at the start of your teens when you might want to be rebellious.
"Then again, one rebellious child is enough." I sighed, gripping my sweater a little tighter as memories of last night flooded back- Dad yelling, Toma yelling, Mom crying. I blinked and stared at the window, trying to force my mind adrift again. Even barely visible, my face reflected back- brown hair tied near the tip with a band draped across one shoulder, green eyes and, my second big problem, a deadpan expression. Slowly, I lifted both my index fingers and pushed the edges of my lips up. I moved it forwards and backwards, but the result could barely be considered a smile. I sighed again and abandoned the venture.
Apparently, there was a period in my life when I emoted like any other child. My baby pictures were proof- in them I cried, I laughed, I got sulky, all those kid stuff. Then one day, my expressions started getting colder. They got colder and colder until eventually, they stopped. Nothing inside had changed- I could still feel excitement and sorrow and all those things. But at some point I stopped being able to show those inner feelings to anyone else. Around my family, my stone face was, allegedly, softer, and while they were still muted compared to other people I could make expressions when I was completely alone in front of a mirror, but it was still a weird phenomenon I had no control over. An inconvenient thing that drove people away. I've only barely made it through half of my first year in middle school and I already had a nickname-
'Ice Queen'
One who looks down on others, admiring their imperfections with a stoney face and a disinterested attitude. It was...an inaccurate moniker to say the least.
But...I can't say I didn't deserve such a disdainful nickname.
"You may come back in, Miss Nakamaru," My teacher's voice dragged me back to reality and I turned to him, "I hope you've properly been reflecting on what you did."
"I've been reflecting on things but it wasn't really on what I did. Thank you though." Bite it back.
I gave a quick bow and hurried back to my seat, as I passed him, I swear I heard something about "Kids not knowing when to apologise", but it's fine.
They're only whispers in the end.
****
There was yelling when I returned home. Not unexpected, but still disappointing; yelling so loud I could hear the tremors from outside our house, I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if I went inside so I stayed in the backyard with our rottweiler, Dawn; playing fetch and sharing some snacks I had gotten on the way home from school.
"And I forfeited the bus and walked all the way home just to avoid this…" I muttered to Dawn, scratching the back of his ears as he excitedly licked my fingers, "Well, I guess with these snacks it worked to your advantage."
Dawn's ears perked up a second before the back door kicked open, and we both found ourselves turning to the source of the noise- an angry, lean boy, his short brown hair more disheveled than usual. As he stepped out, a loud voice could be heard behind him, but he took the key out from the inside lock and slammed the door shut, locking it from the outside.
"...He can still come out through the front door." The boy straightened, whirling his eyes to me, finally acknowledging my presence with a startled expression. I played with Dawn's paws as I stared back at him.
"Or the kitchen window."
A laugh sputtered out of his lips at my statements, and I could see the tension leave his shoulders and his green eyes light up as an easy smile spread across his face.
"As if that old geezer is going to go through that much effort just to pointlessly yell at me."
"Dad's not that old."
"Anyone a decade older than me is an old geezer as far as I'm concerned."
With that childish retort, he walked over to me, the key spinning in his finger. "So much fuss over a single piercing."
"You got another one?"
He grinned at that, obviously excited to show off, and in one big step he was crouched beside me, arching his chin to give me a better view of his new achievement. It was a nose ring, bright and gold, blatantly hanging through the newly formed hole in the little cartilage that separates his nostrils. His excitement bounced on me, even as he said nothing, asking questions like 'what do you think?' and 'super cool isn't it??'. I simply stated in silence for a few more seconds (what did Dad think when he saw it? How mortified had mum been?), before picking up Dawn's paws again and giving a non-committal response.
"It looks painful."
He, Toma, my older brother by 4 years, pouted at the lack of praise and pettily snatched Dawn's paws from me.
"Well it does still sting a little, but what kind of man would I be if I couldn't handle a little pain?"
"Isn't that the same thing you said when you poked 3 holes in your ear with a safety pin weeks back."
He went red as I brought back his old shame. I still remember his crying face as he gripped his ear in pain and his sulking face as mum dragged him to the hospital to make sure he didn't give himself an infection.
"Th-that's different! My friends took me to a professional this time, so just forget about that incident already!!!"
A gust of air escaped my nose as I looked on at his fluster in amusement, but the edge of my lips still twitched in displeasure at the word 'friends'.
Friends, huh…
"...you didn't have that piercing yesterday, when do you get that done? Did you skip school today?"
The embarrassed pink staining his cheeks disappeared with my query, and he turned his attention back to Dawn without a word, as if I hadn't even said anything.
Ah, I knew it.
"Again? Skipping school to get something that violates its regulations, no wonder dad got upset. You should have just save it for Saturday or-"
"Are you going to lecture me too?"
My blood froze. His voice wasn't loud or angry like it would be for dad, it was low, cold, accusatory. The words that had been moving so easily from my lips just a second ago caught in my throat, choking me.
Ah, I...forgot
His words were a warning, a reminder of my folly, of the line I was threatening to cross. My stomach twisted in anxiety and I suddenly felt small. I clutched my chest as if to desperately still my heart that was suddenly beating into my ears and stared down at my feet.
"...sorry. I'm...sorry…" I managed to squeeze out, my words barely reaching even me. I couldn't bear to look at him, what face was he making? Was it a face like what my classmates and teachers gave me everyday? No...no...if these careless words of mine did that, I-
"Geez, you're so overly serious, it was a joke!" The comforting feeling of his hands on my head pulled me out of my spiral. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye and a soft expression was on his face.
There was...no way that was a joke.
He suddenly stood up, dropping Dawn's other law and stretched his hand out to me.
"How 'bout I take you on a ride with my bike till dad cools down? We can buy ice cream or something."
He had…changed the subject. And this was an apology, a way to return balance to this precarious see-saw, this nerve wracking balancing act that we had set up to maintain our good relationship despite all the drama that had become our day to day thanks to him. One step forward, one step back, discarding heavy load that would upset the equilibrium, this is how we...had tried to leave at least this one safe space if ours intact.
"...sure." I placed my hand in his and let him pull me up. We hurried to the garage and pulled his bicycle out into the streets. Even though it was against the law, I settled in the back carrier, waiting for him to start moving.
"Oh yeah, how was your day anyhow?" He suddenly asked as he plopped a helmet on my head and settled in the seat.
"Dull with a side of teachers getting upset with me."
He snickered as he kicked off and started pedaling.
"So same as usual?"
"Same as usual."