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The moment Amity reached a hand out in search of her bedmate’s palm to curl her fingers around and found nothing but cold open bed sheets, she knew something was wrong. She’d been warned about this, but didn’t think it would ever come. She prayed it hadn’t come. She pleaded with whatever beings were listening that her partner was still okay. That things hadn’t finally gone so far.
Amity hoped they still had time. There was too much to think about, with so little options to make it any easier to understand. Lately, everything was just a little scarier, a little darker, and a little louder. Being alone felt suffocating, but being together felt constricting. They couldn’t be without each other. If they just had more time...
If you get out of bed...
Luz stood near the edge of the room, back turned to the rest of the open space, facing the window that had a perfect view of the night sky and dark forest beyond the edge of the yard.
And find me, standing, all alone...
“Luz?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, her throat closed and dry from disuse during sleep. She almost considered clearing her throat and trying again, but that thought felt dangerous somehow. Like she’d be disturbing a shadow larger than them that watched from the corners of the ceiling.
Luz didn’t flinch at the sound of her name. She swayed, just slightly, as if she were on the verge of losing her balance even though she was simply standing still. Her shoulders didn’t hunch in anticipation of being discovered. Her breathing didn’t hitch at the prospect of being found. Her fingers didn’t twitch in surprise, aching to turn around and greet whatever had just called to her.
The lack of response disturbed Amity.
Amity gingerly stretched a hand out to touch Luz.
But she didn’t, she couldn’t.
There was something wrong. Something quiet, unspoken, but loud and scary. There was something ugly in the air between them. She couldn’t give Luz something ugly. So she couldn’t touch her.
Open eyed...
Luz didn’t turn around, so Amity made the harrowing decision that made her legs shake to approach her herself. Every light step felt like it made the room stretch further and further, until there was an ocean between her and Luz. It made her dizzy with vertigo to keep her eyes open, but when she closed her eyes she lost all focus on reality and nearly lost her balance.
She just wanted to go back to bed. She wanted Luz to follow her without needing to be told, so she wouldn’t have to stay in this room and continue feeling these terrifying things all alone.
But that wouldn’t happen.
So she took another step.
Every second felt like a decade, but the sun never rose so Amity really wasn’t sure if time was still moving at all. She couldn’t feel her own breathing, or hear her heart beating anymore, so maybe she wasn’t really awake. Maybe this was just a practice run her brain was making her suffer through in a dream. Maybe Luz was still in bed with her, body relaxed in peaceful slumber, with their legs tangled together and their fingers laced between one another’s. If Amity flexed her fingers, maybe she could feel Luz’s between her own through the cellophane veil of sleep.
She twitched her fingers tentatively, allowing them to taste the air. Her joints creaked and snapped slightly as they moved. One hand curled into a loose fist, and when she tried to squeeze the muscles together she felt weak. She could barely grip a pencil if she tried. Her legs shook a little harder, as if the little energy she had was being wastefully given to her hand in its feeble attempt at feeling strong.
It was then that she realized how awake she really is.
Her hands were cold. Her legs were still shaking. And if she focused for just a moment, ignoring the growing vertigo that was starting to make her feel sick, she could feel the air rushing between her lips in the frigid cold air through her dry mouth. Why was it so cold? Was it just her, or was there something else going on?
Still, Amity pressed on. There were questions she couldn’t answer, ones that she didn’t want to think about because the truths would be scarier than the mysteries, so she pushed them away.
In just six steps from where she started she circled around the statue of a person to stand before her, slightly obscuring the view to the window. She kept her head down like a scolded child. More for own safety, if anything. Peace of mind, for if she looked Luz in the eyes she’d surely find a darkness she isn’t meant to see. She couldn’t let herself get lost in that darkness, not like Luz already was. Which was why she didn’t look out the window, either.
The human’s head was tilted forward, straight ahead, but her eyes were turned upward, staring wide-eyed and blankly through her lashes at the starry night sky. Amity wanted to look at what she was seeing, to see what was holding her attention so raptly as if she were in a trance commanded by the Titan himself, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to look at what Luz was looking at in the sky. Or rather, the lack thereof.
Not again.
It hurt to think about. So, she didn’t think.
She kept her head down as she gently gathered the tips of Luz’s fingers in her hands. She forced herself to only look at their feet. They were so close. If she wanted, she could take a step forward, press her body against Luz’s, wrap her arms around the stone-stiff girl and just stay there until it was over. Whenever that would be. It would be okay. It had to be. In all the realities of the universes there had to be one where everything would turn out okay, and Amity wanted to just stay there, holding Luz in her arms, long enough to make this reality the one with the better ending.
Luz probably wouldn’t even notice she’s there.
...Somehow, that thought hurt more than what Amity was currently subject to witnessing.
With the slightest tug on Luz’s fingers as the only voice she dared to use, Amity silently begged Luz to come back to bed. There was no noise from either for a moment, and for a second she nearly dared herself to look the other girl in the eyes. However, her eyes stayed glued to the hands held between their bodies.
If she immediately became aware of the horrible feeling of Luz’s gaze drifting away from the window and landing squarely on her, she ignored it with tears in her eyes. The way the air seemed to freeze as well as rush away from her lungs at the same time just from the way Luz looked at her, even though Amity couldn’t see her looking at her, terrified her in a way that she really should’ve been used to by now. It made her lower lip tremble and her arms press tighter to her sides. But she ignored it all. She had to ignore it.
Luz wasn’t okay. Luz needed her.
She couldn’t focus on herself because if she did then she’d start spiraling, and Luz needed her.
“Can’t you see her, Amity?” She whispered in a tone that didn’t reflect the tenseness still wrapped around them. She sounded... giddy. Like a child marveling in wonderment. It was wrong. It made Amity confused, and the confusion made her sick, because somewhere deep down she knew the truth and her confusion was just there to protect her. Inevitably, that made her angry, too.
Burn the page...
With another slightly stronger tug of her fingers, Amity watched as one of Luz’s feet slid forward just a fraction. The shaking in the witch’s knees still hadn’t stopped, but she refused to let that stop her. She took a step back, slowly guiding Luz to turn around so she could be led back to their room. Thankfully, Luz didn’t put up an ounce of resistance, even though her attention stayed glued to the window as long as it could before it was obscured by the doorway to their bedroom.
Amity coerced her to sit on the bed, and still without looking at her face, she leaned Luz back to lay down. Those wide brown eyes still stared, but they didn’t feel as hollow as before on her skin. Amity felt like she could finally breathe again.
She turned her back to the bed and walked to their dresser. Opening the top drawer, she dug out two items; A notebook with a deep purple textured leather cover, protecting the stiff yellowed pages, and a box of matches. With the gracefulness of a thief, she opened the ancient tome and slowly plucked a photograph buried between the pages. It wasn’t hers, but it’s contents made her heart ache as if it were.
The faces in the photo were familiar and foreign at the same time. One had a name she knew, a name of the person who laid just a few feet behind her, boring hot icy holes in the back of her head with unblinking eyes. The other, a soul she’s only heard about through stories. Enough stories that, if she imagined hard enough, she could pretend they really knew each other. A mother she’d never likely get to meet.
The longer she examined the photo the harder it became to think. Why did she take it out of the drawer again? To... reminisce? ...No, because Luz needed her to. But what did she need? Something... something told to her, long ago... a warning... Oh, right. To burn the page.
Amity glanced at the box of matches to the side. It would be so easy. She’d be doing Luz a favor. She had asked for this, after all.
...Amity couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to pick up the matches. The photo, it was too much - everything was becoming too much again. She couldn’t think, it was getting hard to breathe. The photo needed to be hidden again. But Luz needed—
No. What Luz needs isn’t here. It’s elsewhere.
Amity set the photo back in the notebook, placed the notebook back in its drawer alongside the matches, and slid the drawer closed.
Quietly, she returned to their bed and laid on her side facing her partner. She still didn’t want to look the human in the eyes, still afraid of the emotions she’d find swimming in there.
A hand came up to rest on the witch’s upper arm. It was warm, a stark contrast to the chill that still hung around the room. Despite the fear the tingled under her skin at the contact, it was also gradually becoming comforting.
Finally, Amity allowed herself to be vulnerable in the face of uncertainty. Her eyes dragged themselves up from Luz’s neck, over her lips and across her cheeks, before settling on her eyes.
They were the same eyes she fell in love with a long time ago, and they’re the same eyes she wanted to wake up to every morning. They held something in them that was only reserved for Amity, and right now, that reservation made her feel safe. It seemed like a little bit of Luz was finally coming back to her.
After waking up and finding her not in their bed, Amity assumed the worst. Thankfully, it seems she had prayed and asked for blessings hard enough to get them through another night. How many more nights, she wondered, before the next night will be the final one? It was hard to tell. That was okay, though. Somehow. Because they had each other.
“I’m okay.” Luz said with an honest smile.
But it wasn’t a smile. It didn’t reach her eyes. It wasn’t real. She wasn’t okay, and that rattled Amity’s soul.
She couldn’t fix anything, it seemed, even though Luz found mercy and let her believe she did. Or maybe it was pity.
Amity told herself that she would guide Luz back to bed as many times as she needed until Luz’s smile one day reached her eyes again.
The next day, after a discussion left unspoken but an agreement met through a mutual ache to act - though for Amity, it was more akin to desperation to make things go back to the way they used to be; of course, she’d never admit that out loud - they left a note.
Amity didn’t know who would find the paper, or when, or even if ever, but she knew there would be someone curious enough to discover it eventually. Maybe it would be their friends, maybe it would be a wanderer who stumbled upon their abandoned home in their travels several years from now. It didn’t matter.
They left without packing any bags that day, unknowing if they would come back. Although, the uncertainty wasn’t as daunting as Amity thought it would be. No matter where they ended up, whether it would be on the other side of a dimensional doorway, or as a stone statue in the trophy room of a cruel emperor, at least they would see their fates together.
If you see this,
Come find us heading for the Bridge
Bring a stone
And all your rage
Sincerely,
Luz and Amity