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Renée is surprised by Doug’s patience. Him and Hera have been dropping cryptic hints about their present for nearly a month and he's been practically vibrating with excitement all afternoon at the thought of giving it. Nevertheless he has insisted their birthday present for Renée should be given last.
Doug has waited while Renée opened her gift from Lovelace: a hamper containing local foods from all the places Isabel has visited on her recent travels. He's waited while Dominik gave Renée a pair of Broadway tickets. He's waited while Jacobi turned up at the door with a box of chocolates, a happy birthday message scribbled on the back of a bus ticket and a sheepish smile. But now that Jacobi has finally been persuaded to stay and they are all gathered in the living room again, Doug hands Renée a rather heavy rectangular package.
“This is from me and Hera,” he says, grinning. Lovelace pulls a face of mock-offence. “But the others contributed too,” he adds hastily. Renée takes the present, intrigued.
“It was Doug's idea,” Hera says with affectionate pride. Renée slits open the wrapping paper, careful not to rip it. For a split second, she recoils when she sees the thick hardback book inside. It looks horribly familiar: the navy blue of the cover, the silver letters of the title, even the authoritarian font. But then she actually reads what it says and she laughs in relief: Doug and Hera’s Back-on-Earth Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual.
Doug looks worried. “We didn’t misjudge this, did we? I don’t want to have brought back all the bad memories…”
“No, Doug.” She still sometimes envies his naivety; he thinks her bad memories are something that might occasionally be brought back to her, rather than a constant presence in her mind. “Thank you, it was a lovely idea.”
“We figured you should have a manual not written by genocidal maniacs,” Hera says. Dominik makes an odd noise, halfway between a laugh and a whimper. He still hasn't completely adjusted to the news of exactly what Goddard Futuristics have been doing on their deep space missions.
“Did you actually write 1001 tips?” Renée asks in disbelief, opening the book to a random page.
576. Gravity is a thing now. It is important not to forget this.
“Yeah, 1001 tips exactly,” Doug asserts proudly.
“They've been working on it for months,” says Dominik. That might explain all the whispering and secrecy, including the time Renée stumbled upon what appeared to be a private meeting of everyone except her.
“You guys really need to find better things to do with your time,” Jacobi comments.
“Like what, spending thousands of hours on Minecraft?" Lovelace asks mockingly, referring to Jacobi's current obsession. Jacobi pulls a face. Renée ignores their bickering; she's too busy reading the book.
780: Even if it was the best course of action in one particular scenario, harpooning your boss is not usually recommended.
She chuckles at that one.
781: If you do harpoon your boss, we will help you hide the body.
“Look at the first tips,” Doug prompts with a shy smile. Renée flicks backwards, marvelling at the attention to detail, how the formatting exactly matches that of Pryce and Carter . They’ve even made a mock copyright page.
“They are a bit soppy,” says Hera. As Minkowski turns to the first of Doug and Hera’s 1001 tips, she raises her hand to her mouth with a soft 'oh’.
1. Remember you are loved.
Below the tip is a group photo of them all snuggled up on the sofa, probably from one of their film nights. The photo shows them all in pyjamas and covered by blankets, and she can tell from their expressions that they are warm and content. It looks candid- Hera probably took it without telling them. Renée is saying something and the others are turned towards her, listening intently. Doug's leaning his head on Renée's shoulder. Isabel has her arm around Doug. On Renée's other side is Dominik, who is holding her hand and looking at her in wonder. Jacobi is in his usual place, perched unnecessarily on the arm of the sofa, like he thinks he's going to leave at any moment, even though he never does. But in the gap he has left between him and Dominik is someone Renée has never seen before: a photorealistic digital drawing of a woman with pale blue skin and waist-length hair, waving out of the picture.
“Hera, is that you?” Minkowski asks quietly, staring at the page with fascination.
“Yes," Hera answers. Renée holds up the book for everyone to see.
"Now we know she's beautiful as well as smart," says Doug. Hera snorts, but Renée knows she's pleased. She turns the page.
2. Seriously we don't know what we'd do without you.
3. For starters we'd probably be dead. But even if we weren't dead, we'd be super sad without you.
Beneath this tip is another drawing. It's clear from the rather childish style that this one has not been done by Hera. Doug has scribbled four stick figures of varying heights and one floating head (presumably to signify Hera), all frowning, some with tears on their faces.
As Renée looks through the book, she finds in-jokes, loving messages, descriptions of happy memories, amusing quotes from different members of the crew, recipes for foods they like, references to her favourite musicals or to films they've watched together, and the odd piece of genuine advice.
135. None of the bad stuff was your fault.
Renée tries not to wonder whether the old pre-memory-loss Eiffel would have ever made her something like this, something this honest and personal and kind.
209. You ARE the very model of a modern Major General.
Renée knows that that one was Hera's idea. There's a brief distraction from the book while Hera tells the story of the talent show, which makes them all laugh. Renée finds she doesn't even mind the embarrassment of it.
376. How to make the best ever Molotov cocktail
"No prizes for guessing who put that in!" Renée jokes, looking over at Jacobi.
"Look, they asked me to contribute," he says defensively. "And this is the most useful advice I can give. I would have talked about some more advanced explosives if they'd let me."
474. Remember that you are now 8 lightyears away from Wolf 359 and the shit that you went through there. That's 4.703 × 10^(13) miles.
Dominik has put in some memories from when he and Renée had first met, as well as the lyrics of a song they had danced to at their wedding. Isabel has made some playlists for different moods and given tips on how to deal with nightmares/insomnia.
629.You don't need to worry about the following anymore: airlocks, engine failures, alien transmissions, what the coffee is made of, the risk of Doug setting the air supply on fire. No longer worrying about these things will save a lot of time.
When Renée reads that one out, Isabel jokes that she wouldn't put it past Doug to find a way to set the air on fire on Earth. Doug pretends to be indignant but he's smiling.
829: There's no one else I (Doug) would rather have as the first person I remember seeing.
Renée is only halfway through reading that one out loud when the tears that have been pricking her eyes since the first page start rolling down her face. As soon as she starts crying, there's a concerned chorus of "Minkowski" (from Isabel and Jacobi), "Renée" (from Doug and Dominik) and "Commander" (from Hera).
"Are these sad or happy tears?" asks Doug, touching her shoulder gently. "Did I upset you?" He sounds so caring that it makes her cry more.
"No, they're happy tears," she reassures him. And it's true, despite the pang of sadness that last tip gave her. She's crying happy tears because she's alive and safe. And the people she loves are alive and safe and here with her (even if they'll never be the same as they once were). And, as if that's not enough of a miracle, they love her. They love her even though she couldn't save them from going through hell. They love her enough to make her this beautiful ridiculous book.
"Thank you so much for this," she says through the tears, gesturing at the book. "And for everything." Doug is stroking her back. Isabel is squeezing her hand. Hera is saying that this book was them trying to thank her . Dominik is reaching across to put a reassuring hand on her knee. Jacobi is giving her a box of tissues.
"How about a group hug?" Doug suggests tentatively. She nods and they all pile in around her.
Later, when she reads the last page of Doug and Hera’s Back-on-Earth Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual , it'll feel like the truest thing she's ever read.
1001. We can never be sure of what's next, but we can be sure that we will find out together.