Work Text:
---⁖⁘ ❄🌰❄ ⁖⁘---
nce upon a time, a star appeared in the inky black night.
So the night cherished her who was his only light.
The star ran away though he vowed to chase her till the end.
And so he met the moon who became his first friend.
But to reach her dreams, the star brought about the night’s end.
How was the grieving moon to know that when the night died a god did descend?
And shackled to the darkness the god longed for a glimpse of moonlight.
How lonely he was, trapped once again in a never ending night.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
It feels like I’m floating in a vast sea of darkness, weightless and unanchored. Not even sure anymore of what or who I am… or if I even exist.
But it’s lonely. So achingly lonely that I flail and reach out for something to hold on to, for anything to chase away the dreadful cold.
I open my eyes and immediately lose my breath as another feeling crashes on me —I am falling, plummeting helplessly because of a horrible weight. I’m not sure if it’s in my chest, on my shoulders, or on my back but it pulls me down anyway.
I’m slammed back into consciousness and the pain is all too real. As real and cruel as my reality — I am the Twenty-fifth Bam.
But you can call me Viole. It’s the name FUG gave me — Jue Viole Grace to be precise — because they said that the Twenty-Fifth Bam is dead.
It’s been five years since the Fall . My fall into this endless night, a pitch black darkness from which perhaps I shall never rise again.
How fitting that it started with a plunge into a pit devoid of hope and light. Pushed off the raft by a person I held dear. Shinsu so thick it flowed like water swirled around me, pulling me deep into its cold embrace. So viscous it crushed my body with enough pressure to collapse my lungs and make my bones creak. It was agonizing. Other people surely would not have lasted as long in those depths, in that concentration of Shinsu. I knew I was meant to die back then.
Still, no matter how painful it was, though I thought my body would break, I stayed alive. Yet, what hurt more than the excruciating pressure and the terrifying ache wrapping all my limbs was the debilitating cold that tore through my heart and threatened to shatter my mind. And so I lost consciousness and drifted with it’s flow for who knows how long until I woke up in darkness.
At first I thought I was in another cave. They seem to figure prominently in my life. Then, I heard a voice that brought me back to the harsh present.
‘You look awful. How does it feel to be betrayed?’
Those were the first words I heard when I woke up. My body was in so much pain and so was my soul. My head felt like it was still swimming and would soon burst.
‘I... don’t know,’ I told the Red Witch. ‘I don’t know what this feeling in my heart is… I don’t know… I should know why! Why Rachel betrayed me!!’
‘Betrayed,’ Hwaryun had said. She gave form to the thought I was desperately holding at bay. It was her who found me still reeling from the implications of Rachel’s actions.
‘All we want is waiting up there ,’ Hwaryun insisted.
She called me her GOD.
Is that what I am? How can that be when I’m so powerless?
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
Far into the outer regions of the Testing Floor, a lanky Ranker moved with measured ease through secret tunnels delved into the mountainside. He made his way to the training grounds hidden within the caverns there. They belonged to FUG, the most notorious organization in the Tower. Actually a collection of misfits who opposed the Jahad Empire.
Once again the Ranker was called upon to be a teacher. To raise a God-Slayer that would make FUG’s wishes come true.
So... the Elders found an Irregular. He idly wondered what kind of person he was. If he could hold a candle to the ones who came before such as Urek Mazino who fought on par with the Arie Family Head or the mysterious Enryu who killed a Guardian and decimated an entire Floor.
He took a sharp right and then a left at the sudden fork. Power thrummed through his bones with every step yet he barely made a sound. The cigarette case he took out caught the light of one of the scattered lanterns, too far apart to give ample lighting. Not that he needed them. He’s ancient. So old that he can read the flow of Shinsu and make his way without need of illumination.
His new pupil was already there with the Red Witch, Hwaryun. He noted the slight build, the thin arms, and the lifeless amber eyes that seemed to have recently lost their light.
For a moment he felt a flicker of pity. It should have gone away as soon as he blinked. But his new pupil was just a boy. One that looked too ordinary for the designs Fate had for him.
“Viole, greet your Master. This is Ha Jinsung,” she introduced him.
“Are you sure this is him?” he mumbled around his cigarette. The boy didn’t look special. In fact he looked like he could be blown away by a stiff wind.
“Yes, it is. He may not look like much but you’ll be surprised at what he can do,” the witch said enigmatically.
“Don't be too angry. I know you hate us now. But we won't harm you if you cooperate. Instead, we will provide you with the best. Money, power, girls, honor, revenge, whatever. Tell us what you want, and we will get it for you,” he told the boy.
“I just want to be strong,” the boy said.
Thin puffs of smoke floated around Jinsung as he looked closer at the boy. Viole did have a strange air to him. Like he belonged to a different world.
“What for?” Jinsung asked, faintly amused.
“So that I don’t have to say goodbyes anymore. I need to climb the Tower. There is someone I must find and someone… some friends I must protect.” This time a fire burned in the boy’s eyes with an intensity that intrigued the old Ranker. A stubborn resolve radiated from the steadiness of that voice.
People he must protect? So they’re blackmailing him, huh? Jinsung was not surprised at all. He’s been in FUG for a very long time and he’s aware that the Elders were not beyond underhanded tricks to get what they want.
“Well then, I will teach you how to become a God. It is a hard and lonely path. Are you sure you’re up for it?”
“Yes.” The boy’s voice echoed in the dark cave.
So started his training in the Martial Arts and in the ways of a Wave Controller among others.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
Training was excruciating.
When Hoh hurt Rachel, I was desperate to save her. That was the first time I learned a technique by getting hit with it.
Reverse flow control.
I wasn’t supposed to get it in that instant but I did. It wasn’t as good as Quant’s but it was enough to freeze Hoh.
He kept calling me a monster. Sometimes I wonder if I really am.
When I saved her though, all she asked was why I followed her when she told me not to come. She looked at me like it was my fault that she got hurt.
Hoh said the same thing. I thought he was my friend but he just laughed. He said everyone in the Tower was an enemy. That he hated me so much. Because I had power. Talent. Potential. I didn’t really understand his words at that time. I didn’t grasp a lot of things. Didn’t understand why he chose to die.
I couldn’t understand why everyone was leaving me.
Now, I’m learning a lot of techniques the same way.
SLAYER CANDIDATE . They said that’s what I am now. A killer. I don’t like it. But I don’t have a choice…
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
Jinsung expected the boy to give up within a week but he held on. He watched the stone golems crack his bones and split his flesh. Yet even after all the bruises pummeled into that frail body, the boy kept standing up. He silently praised the boy’s persistence.
“The only way to win is not to escape from your enemy but to fight it. Not head on but with cunning, to let go of fear and face the golem without needless struggling. Find its weakness and then deal a decisive blow.”
The boy nodded. He had prodigious talent alright and he had the strange ability to copy techniques by getting hit with them. He was hardworking and tenacious too. Driven by the threat looming over his friend’s lives.
And Jinsung recognized his battle instinct. It was still raw but it glinted menacingly at opportune moments.
He knows he is weak. He trembles and he quakes yet he refuses to give up his quest up the tower. Fear gnaws at his bones yet he refuses to succumb to it. Yes, maybe he is crazy. Crazy enough to walk the path only the insane will travel. He will take the risk and gamble with his life to achieve his goal. Because survival is not his priority, death is not his greatest fear.
Jinsung crushed what’s left of his cigarette underfoot and deftly lit another.
He’s out of his mind, that boy.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
I always preferred passing out from exhaustion and into the void. Else, I was haunted by painful memories and harrowing fears. And on nights when they did not give way to nightmares, they kept me awake till the break of dawn. There were many things I wanted to forget. But to my horror the things I wanted to erase remained agonizingly clear while the things I wanted to remember started fading to gray.
Why am I so weak?
What does it take to be strong?
Whatever I did, I tried my best. I did. I really did. That’s why I ran as fast as I could to catch up to Rachel. I knew I was weak. All I could grab back then was her ribbon. It came undone making her tumble and fall. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I caught her but her weight pulled us both down. Yeah... weak.
‘Where are you going? ’ I had asked as I looked at her. It hurt to see the blade-sharp edges of her mouth pulled down in discontent.
‘I’m going up the Tower. To the outer world. I will see blue sky during the day, and starlight at night.” Her voice was prickly cold. ‘I’m sick of living in this dark world.’
And ignoring my distress, all she offered was sorry and a piece of advice, ‘Forget about me.’
I was abandoned despite my desperate pleas.
She finally smiled when in desperation I shouted that I will follow her until I die. But her smile felt wrong. It didn’t reach her eyes.
Was she mocking me? Why take me under her wing and teach me about the world only to leave me behind? Was it a duty imposed by someone? Or was she bored out of her mind enough to take on the arduous task of teaching someone to talk? Was she lonely too? Desperate to find someone in a worse place than she is? Did she want to be someone’s star so she could find satisfaction in herself?
How does it feel for someone who is nothing to become someone’s everything? That power... The satisfaction of holding their happiness at your whim. That feeling of importance. Of having meaning. Was that what she sought?
I want answers!
I need to understand...
But all I keep hearing — spoken by different mouths and different voices was ‘All the answers are up there.’
I plough forward with as much resolve as I could muster, driven by the fear of losing what little things I had that I thought were important. At first it was Rachel, the only person I knew, the one who broke the monotony of my lonely days in that dank cave, the one who taught me everything and that there was a world beyond the darkness.
Back then I thought she was an angel and it made me really sad when she told me that I can’t meet others like her. That I wasn’t worthy of meeting an angel.
How wrong that was in so many ways.
First, she wasn’t an angel. And when I arrived on the Floor of Test, I met a real one and made my first real friend.
He was really pretty. Or handsome. Both I think. Handretty. Is that a word? His hair was the cloudless sky and his eyes were polished jems. The bluest blue I’ve ever seen. He answered all my questions and taught me a lot of things. He’s really nice. He’s very smart and funny too. Being with him was fun. The happiest I’ve ever been. He said we needed to get more allies and helped me make more friends. He even wrote a whole script to get that feisty princess on our side.
A FRIEND. I wonder if he even remembers me or still considers me one after all this time. Just as he is mine, I want to be precious to him too.
But I can’t even contact him. Can’t even let him know that I’m still alive. I can’t risk his safety like that. He’s too important.
Yeah, I miss him. I miss him a lot.
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
“What’s this?” Viole just arrived in the training area for another day of lessons. “What’s a caterpillar like you doing in a dark place like this?”
He looked around but all he saw were the rocky walls of the cave and piles of rubble where rock golems have collapsed. There wasn’t any clue about where the insect came from or how it got there.
That was the second time he saw one. The first was when he spent the day outside with Khun and Rak on an impromptu picnic. He had been intrigued by the creature since Khun told him that the ugly bloated thing would turn into one of those butterflies flitting about. They looked so fragile yet beautiful. And so free.
Viole looked around again. It was quite early still so his Master and Hwaryun had yet to arrive. He crouched and watched what the creature would do.
It ignored him as it made its way to a corner where the air was still and hung fimly onto the rock wall. Then, it stopped moving.
“Viole? What are you doing there?”
“Ah! Nothing, Master.” He quickly moved towards the old Ranker to receive his instructions.
Yes, right now I’m a PUPIL . I have to learn and get stronger as fast as I could. I can’t let them hurt my friends. I can’t… I… I can’t bear it...
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
Training crammed into every minute of every day that I barely had time to think. I was a little thankful for that. Because when night came, only the fading memories of those days with my friends kept me barely sane.
I didn’t know anything about the Tower back then, not even what Rankers were. I was lucky to have Khun who explained things really well.
Khun was funny. He had the cutest expressions. He did a great impression of Rak. I liked spending time with him. He made me feel happy and at ease. I’m glad that he enjoyed spending time with me too.
Then, I made more friends...
‘There is not much to say about me. I didn’t have a family nor a house. The only thing I had was a dirty piece of cloth. So I thought I would die there doing nothing and all alone. But now I have friends. Thanks.’
But I’m an IRREGULAR. Someone who doesn’t belong in the Tower.
Was that my mistake? Was I not allowed to have friends?
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
“Isn’t he fascinating?” Yu Hansung wore an unsettling grin as he watched Viole train with rock golems.
Jinsung didn’t deign him with an answer. Thin tendrils of smoke rose around the old Ranker as he puffed lazily at his cigarette.
Hansung continued talking anyway. “The fear of losing those friends of his is swallowing his other fears. It’s just the perfect motivation for him.”
“How so?” Jinsung’s eyes narrowed.
“Viole doesn’t think the same way as the Tower’s people do. He was raised in a cave after all, a dark womb. Being alone in that darkness for so long has stunted his growth gravely. Emotionally among other things. It didn’t help that he got someone who taught him everything he knows but not enough. All to be abandoned by that person. He’s just a poor babe who found a mother but was suddenly forced to wean off her before he was ready.” Hansung’s giggle grated on the old Ranker’s nerves.
“And so?”
“Humans are social creatures who instinctively crave human contact from the moment they are born. It is a basic need blatantly manifested in children. Viole’s emotional state is almost childlike in its simplicity, isn’t it? He doesn’t care for power or riches. He just needs the friends who answered that need.”
Jinsung gave him a disgusted look and moved to set up another golem.
Unfortunately, Hansung was right and it made Viole so damn easy to manipulate.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
Whenever I fall asleep, I hear it echoing in my ears like a curse:
What do you desire?
Money and wealth?
Honor and pride?
Authority and power?
Revenge?
Or something that transcends all these?
Whatever you desire…
...is here.
Then, why are the things that make me happy always taken from me?
Dreamless nights are few and far in between. Sometimes the visions began with a rustling sound. With the wind against my face. With a loud voice welcoming Regulars to the 2nd floor. It was so bright that at first I wondered whether I was still inside the Tower. The voice droned on to explain that I had to take a test so I can go up. A simple test. 400 down to 200. I got a bad feeling and the smell of blood confirmed it. The warning bells in my head told me to run. But everywhere I went, there were monsters and blood.
Sometimes in the middle of that carnage, I find a limp body with pale blue hair. His eyes were closed but I knew they were blue. I always woke up screaming from that one. It never got any easier.
Sometimes it’s a different nightmare.
As always, I end up alone.
Hoh called me a MONSTER. If that’s what I am then why does my head whirl? Why does my heart hurt a lot? And even more when I feel so fragmented that all I can remember are pieces of blue and strands of the sky amidst all the red and black. Somehow, it calms me, those scraps of blue in my discordant memory. So even more than the wounds carved into my flesh, it pains me to think that one day I may not know what blue is anymore.
Won’t someone save me from this nightmare?
Anyone?
Khun… I want to see you...
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
“Viole, isn't making any more progress,” Hwaryun said.
Jinsung hated how monotonous her voice was. Reading people was a necessity in the Tower and all the more in FUG where everybody was just using everyone else. Knowing what makes your colleagues tick was a matter of life and death. Jinsung had a knack for it but Hwaryun… Hwaryun was something else. Doesn’t help that she’s one of those damned guides. They — she especially — make him feel disturbingly naked. Like she has all the cards, and his paths and decisions were laid out for her to see and put together or tear apart.
Oh yeah, that’s supposedly exactly what those Red Witches do.
Creepy.
“He lacks killing intent,” Jinsung grumbled as they observed how Viole sparred with one of the lower ranks of FUG. He had no trouble fighting the golems and progressed rapidly with those. Jinsung watched his eyes grow colder with each passing day but still he lacked the thirst for blood that made it so much easier to draw out the murderous capacities and unbridled strength of other Slayers.
Viole beat the associate to submission but it wasn’t as satisfactory as Jinsung wanted.
The old Ranker scratched his stubbly chin. “Why do you fight?”
“Master?” The question seemed to confuse the Irregular. Was it a trick question? Another test?
“Why do you fight, Viole?”
Jinsung noted how the boy’s hands balled up into tight fists at his sides. “I want to find my answers. I need to know why Rachel betrayed me.”
“And then what?”
“Sir?”
“Once you catch up to her and get those answers, what are you going to do? You can never go back to the past. What then? Keel over?”
“No, I…”
“Is that going to make you happy? More likely it will just bring you more pain. Are you a masochist?”
“But I—” Viole stammered, unsure of what to say.
“Think carefully. What do you really want?” The old Ranker’s eyes bore down on him.
“I need to protect my friends. They're precious to me.” Long hair covered the boy’s eyes as he lowered his head. Behind that fringe they were dull, long leached of their brightness.
“So you're just going to be the pitiful martyr who watches over them from afar? Suffer in the shadows so they could be happy in the light?” The mocking edge of Jinsung's voice was blade-keen and it dripped acid on Viole’s wounds.
“Yes! If that means that Mr. Khun gets to live and spend his days in peace I would!” Viole spat with more vehemence than he intended. He shook with dread and anger and whatever that was that coiled filthy and putrid in his gut.
“Are you really okay with that? Do you think he’ll thank you for it? And you know what kid, this Tower is so fucked up there's no such thing as a peaceful life here. It's all an illusion that will get wrecked in the shitty chaos that will soon descend. War is coming whether you like it or not, and all that is precious to you will be caught up in the landslide whether they or you want it or not. So tell me. Cut the bullshit, kiddo! Tell me what would make you happy?!”
Somewhere I belong…
Viole’s knuckles have turned white. Flashing eyes glimmered with unshed tears. A stark contrast against dark bags under them and his pallid skin.
“Dig deep and find your reason! Find the root of your desires! What do you really want, Viole?!”
Once you've known warmth. Once you've tasted that sweet feeling of belonging, it never goes away.
Viole took a deep breath. It rattled in his lungs, particularly in that cobwebbed place where his heart should have been. When he spoke his voice was quiet yet agonizingly clear. “I’m an Irregular. I don’t really fit anywhere since my very existence goes against the rules of the Tower. I may not have a place to belong to but there is somewhere I want to be…”
Jinsung looked at him carefully, releasing a pungent sheet of smoke as he said in a much calmer voice, “Where's that?”
“I... I want to be with my friends! I want to be with Khun!” Viole yelled. I don’t want to be alone.
“There. That wasn't so bad, was it? You finally said it. It's too late for me. But you’ve barely started your journey. Get stronger. Strong enough to do what you must do. Strong enough to clash with the Ancients and the Powers that hold sway in this Tower. Strong enough to be who you want to be. What I’m saying may not make much sense now but soon you will start climbing again. Go up and live out your happiness.” The old Ranker’s hand was heavy on Viole’s head. He chuckled when he caught a glimpse of momentary clarity swimming in those amber eyes before it was swallowed again by a fathomless cold. He’s learning to hide his thoughts fast, huh? Troublesome brat.
“I didn’t know you make such rousing speeches,” Hwaryun chuckled as he passed her on the way out.
“Neither did I.” He looked at her carefully. She was as guarded as ever. Her one useful eye reflected nothing but amusement.
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
The next day Viole was set to spar with the Master himself.
It’s been almost two weeks since he’s watched the caterpillar’s skin turn hard and become a chrysalis. It hung from the side of the cave unmoving for such a long time that he wondered if it was still alive.
Yet that day, it looked different. The chrysalis has turned transparent and he could see black and gold markings.
He watched in awe as it emerged but soon felt disappointed. The wings were crumpled and looked useless while its abdomen looked too bloated for flight.
Viole frowned. Was it sick? Did it fail to metamorphose properly? Was it a failure?
The insect ignored his regard and kept hanging there, shaking its wings to unfurl them. It was tediously slow.
Footsteps warned him that his Master had arrived.
Sparring with his Master demanded Viole’s full attention so he forgot about the butterfly. Especially since he was still world’s away from the old Ranker’s speed. Even though he has been honing his body reinforcement, a direct hit from his Master would be difficult to recover from even though the old man held back. It was extremely hard but possible to limit the damage he received. For now he needed to focus on technique, his Master said.
He’ll still end up bruised and bloody though. He’d be extremely lucky if he doesn’t break a bone. No small price to pay for the strength he needed to obtain as fast as he could.
“Found your resolve, kiddo?” Jinsung liked the new sharpness in his eyes. It bordered on desperation but it was a start.
Ignoring the question, Viole feinted a jab to the right, diving to deliver a punch to the Ranker’s stomach. “Hah!”
“Not bad. You just have to deliver it a hundred times faster!” Jinsung easily blocked it with an arm. He was just planting a foot down to realign his center of gravity when an iron grip latched onto that same arm and sent a Flare Wave explosion rippling through flesh and bone. Jinsung reflexively sent the boy flying.
“You’re brutal,” Hwaryun stated in her usual deadpan as Viole crashed to the far wall.
“I’m effective.” Ashes fell from the cigarette clenched between his teeth as he contemplated his newly shredded sleeve. He’s a Ha — known for some of the toughest bodies in the Tower. And here he was getting scratched by a baby slayer. “But I must be getting soft.”
“Yes, you are. He has that effect on most people.” Whether she was mocking him was awfully hard to tell.
“I’ve just taken a liking to him. That’s all.”
“Don’t get too attached.” The satisfied smirk on Hwaryun's face made his skin itch. “He’s ready for his first mission.”
Across the cave, Viole stayed down. It felt like his back had snapped. He was finally able to use the Floral Butterfly Wave technique. But he was still largely deficient.
He waited as his bones mended. It was a while before he could move his fingers so it would probably be a while more before he could stand.
Movement from the corner of his eyes made him turn his head.
The butterfly had dried it’s wings and flitted over him as if showing off it’s victory.
It looked haughty and beautiful. Black against gold against black. For a second, Viole wondered if he could fly free like that too. If he
could be as mindless and unbridled by destiny.
Go , he willed it. And never come back to this dreary place.
And as if it heeded his thoughts it flew away towards the tunnels that led outside.
Maybe, he thought, it was sent to give him hope.
He was hurt. Then, he healed. And it itched. But it should be okay since the skin has knit and the bones have mended.
So it should be okay. Right?
Even so, the boy was made to realize his priorities; that the lives of his friends mattered so much more than the strangers he was sent to kill. From afar he looked ruthless. Jinsung observed how he quickly dispatched anyone marked as his target, caring not for the blood that stained his hands. Or maybe that was his mercy — granting his opponents swift deaths.
That should appease those pesky Elders for now. That’s it little monster. Don’t hold back.
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
“Look what I caught!” A lanky FUG associate waved the butterfly his hand, his whole body shaking in his exuberance. “Isn’t it pretty?”
“It’s also dead,” the portly cook grinned sardonically. He wiped his beefy hands on his grease stained apron and turned back to the stove.
“Oh,” the first one frowned as he looked at the hapless insect in his hands. Its black and gold wings were torn. He then eyed the sludge the cook was stirring in his oversized pot. It was mostly tubers but a hunk of some kind of meat bobbed among the other flotsam. He made no effort to hide his grimace.
“You really are such an idiot. Don’t know your own strength. No delicacy at all,” the cook lectured as he ladled the stew into some bowls. “That’s why you’ll always be a grunt. Just throw it away and bring the Slayer Candidate his food.”
“Okay…” The mangled insect fell from his hand. “He always finishes his food now, doesn’t he?”
“He has to. Have you seen how he trains? He’s just as scary as Master Ha.” The cook placed bowls of food on a tray.
“Have you ever seen his eyes? They look dead. Gave me the shivers. Do you suppose he’s really a god?”
“He’s a killing machine. That’s what he is. Keep your voice down. You don’t know who’s listening.”
The cook watched the other guy disappear back into the tunnels. Then, he looked down at the dead thing on the floor and scoffed. Pretty things don’t belong in the darkness. He stepped on it as he followed the other one out.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
There were a lot of factions within FUG. Some tried to get on my good side with gifts and uncalled for favors. I don’t really like dealing with them so I leave them to Hwaryun and Master.
Once, I found scantily clad girls in my room. I broke one’s arm after she suddenly moved too close. Well, I was wary of assassinations because of recent attempts. Her blood curdling shriek brought Master and Hwaryun running. They sorted the situation out.
Master gave me a strange look as he asked, ‘Do you not like them?’
‘No,’ I said, confused.
‘Do you find them attractive?’ he tried again.
I gave them a cursory glance and told Master, ‘No. Should I? They’re not even half as pretty as Khun.’
Master and Hwaryun both had a good laugh. I was just telling the truth.
When they weren’t plying me with gifts, some of them were getting creative with finding ways to get me dead.
One time someone poisoned my food.
‘Viole? Viole!’
I could hear my Master’s angry voice but I was already convulsing on the floor.
The person who brought my food was executed along with anyone else who was suspected of having anything to do with it. Then again, they didn’t really catch the mastermind. Hwaryun was sure it was one of the Elders.
It took me a week to get the poison out of my system.
From then on, I resolved to learn to cook for myself. Turns out I was pretty good at it.
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
It was an ambush. And just like most successful ambushes, it happened in the dark.
Hwaryun has warned Viole that one would be attempted soon by one of those factions of FUG that opposed him. They were still surprised by the desperate doggedness of the perpetrators though. And it came right after he completed a particularly difficult assassination mission. Viole was already burying the memory of the unfortunate noble’s blood in that bottomless pit in his mind.
The two of them were traversing a secluded mountain path on their way back to the hideout where Jinsung awaited news of his success.
Even the trees were hushed in the tense air. Cloaked men surrounded Viole and blew themselves up with chemical explosions. Though the Irregular was highly resistant to Shinsu, he was not immune to those. It seemed like someone in the opposing faction was well informed.
Khun did say that everyone is a ferocious enemy.
A blast tore painfully through Viole’s shoulder. He crouched as he fought the wave of dizziness, blood and bile hiking up his throat.
His eyes were usually covered by his hair. And when anyone caught a glimpse of them, they were often flat and lifeless, like those of a fish out of water and long left to dry. Yet now golden eyes glinted in the darkness, overwhelming and suffocating. Like a monster lurking in the inky black night.
“Stay down! I have worked so hard all my life to make them notice me. I am fearless! I am strong! Getting rid of you will show them not to ignore me! I want this so much more than you! I will be Slayer! Not you!” someone shouted vehemently. A hooded man who wouldn’t even show his face and used his comrades as shields.
Viole can understand it — the desperation and the fear. He pushed through the pain and got rid of his assailants one by one.
“—doesn’t matter,” Viole rasped out. The spell set to heal his torn body has commenced. It surrounded him like a red skeletal frame, rapidly stitching flesh and bone. He hid the grimace behind his hair. Healing always hurt as much as the grievous wounds.
“What?”
“In the darkness my star betrayed me. Just like you’re all doing now. Yet because of her, I discovered the bright sky. And I met someone who held it in his eyes and his hair.”
“Argh! What the hell are you babbling about? Just die!”
“Sorry, there’s something worse than death. So I can’t die here yet.”
“Why, you—!”
“I said it doesn’t matter. I am Jue Viole Grace. I will be the Slayer that will kill Jahad and his family.” The men in front of the hooded man fell like flies. Viole glared at the guy with eyes glittering with a predator’s rage. “Your courage means nothing. Even if fear freezes my blood, I’ll survive anyway and become their god.”
“Monster!”
“Yes, so it would have been better if you stayed away from me. I don’t want to hurt any more people than I have to. But if you get in my way, then I will not hold back. I won’t show mercy. The lives of my precious people depend on it.” But my most precious person… what would you say if you saw me now? Khun...
The last thing the hooded man saw was a chilling eye burning underneath that long curtain of darkness. And a butterfly.
It was hauntingly beautiful.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
I passed another floor’s test. The wetness staining my clothes made me cringe. I can never get used to it. My robes were dark so the blood wasn't noticeable but I knew it was there. And it wasn’t mine. I fought the nausea brought on by the metallic scent. I couldn’t show weakness there.
I hated those kinds of tests the most. Though I tried to steer clear of trouble, other Regulars seemed drawn to fighting me like moths mindlessly seeking their death on a blazing flame.
Did they really want to die? Of course not. Who would?
And now their blood is in my hands.
What exasperating idiots.
Did they deserve to die? Maybe some of them did. Maybe some didn’t. But I’d rather not have my friends bleed in their stead.
No, not Khun. Definitely not Khun.
I would do anything to keep his precious blood safe.
At times like that, I remembered the things I learned from Khun. Especially a conversation that felt like it was made in a whole other lifetime...
‘Isn’t there a way we can help them?’ I had asked.
‘Help? Why?’ Khun had thrown the question back.
‘Well, I just feel bad that they might fail.’
And I distinctly remembered the exasperated sigh he took as he said, ‘Bam. I know what you’re trying to say, but this is a fair result of a fair competition. If those two don’t fail then someone else will. Are you going to help those people too?’
‘Well… I know but —’
‘Bam! You are also here because you made someone else fail. And you will make someone else fail again to go up, right?’
‘Yes, but…’
‘Stop it, Bam. This is not a problem that we can solve.’
‘Isn’t there any way everybody can be happy? Not a way like this…’
‘Well… the God who created the tower might know the answer.’
‘Where’s that God?’
‘All I know is he’s in a higher place than us.’
It was an unfortunate reality of the Tower. It’s so hard to accept. Even now I don’t think I could but it’s something I just had to live with in order to do what I must.
Khun definitely understood people better than I did.
Ah… was thinking of Khun again.
It aches when I do. It aches when I don’t.
Couldn’t help shaking my head. I really needed that shower.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
I awoke to the beeping of monitors. I’m in the medical ward again. I looked down and saw red soaking through bandages on my chest. The skin seemed to have stitched together but it still felt like I’ve just been run over by a herd of giants.
I closed my eyes. They felt hot. But there were no tears.
Here it is... Loneliness.
I hate how it grins like a devious fiend as it welcomes me back with it’s icy limbs. See how it mocks me as it scrapes across my skin with disgustingly clammy fingers wrought with needle sharp nails, piercing through flesh and soul with relish. And all I can do is shudder as it slithers around me in a hold so tight that it chokes my breath.
I hate how it fills my ears with a silence so thick that not even my strangled sobs echo in the endless darkness.
It’s cold. So cruelly cold that it won’t even let me grow numb, never permits me to escape the rending pain as it hollows out my existence, forces me to face my insignificance until all that is left is an empty husk, an unwanted ‘me’ who shall be left to drift and fade miserably away like an forlorn ghost.
Forsaken.
Unwanted.
Alone.
I fear indifference… Weightlessness.
I was tired of the darkness but I never knew exactly how lonely I was until Rachel came and showed me the joy of having someone affirm my existence.
She lit up the cave literally. The light seeping through the hole she came in was dazzling and for a while it hurt a bit to look straight at it. She was the first person I ever saw. How strange and wonderful it was to learn that I was not alone. That there were other beings like me.
She taught me everything. She taught me how to talk. The things I heard, the things I read, everything I felt was all from her.
I was a speck of dust, wallowing in darkness for who knows how long. Homeless. Friendless. Without meaning or purpose.
Then, she filled my days with meaning. I looked forward to seeing her again.
I loved her stories. It made me really happy to learn new things. I liked how she patted my head when I did well. It made my chest feel warm.
And mostly she talked about stars. How beautiful they were and how much she longed for them. So much so that at last I promised to bring her to see them.
Yet here I am, severed from all my hard earned connections… from the friends I wanted to hold dear.
I exist, a hollow husk — deprived of all solace. I am just an empty hand, reaching in vain to grasp another. I am but a speck of dust, buffeted by the winds of fate, left to vanish into darkness like a fleeting existence.
Isn't it too cruel? I thought that I was finally beginning to breathe a little.
They are my precious ones.
Mine.
But now their lives are forfeit because of me…
Khun… what should I do?
You said I was amazing because though I wasn’t strong and didn’t have any skills to rely on at the time, I still tried to protect the people who trust me. I want to, I really do. But it’s just so hard....
I want to see you...
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
Hwaryun knocked on Viole’s door and let herself in. “What’s that?”
Viole hid the piece of cloth in his hands. It was a beautiful saturated blue. “It’s… It’s something that belonged to my most precious friend.”
“Oh?”
Then, a strange thing happened. Viole smiled. Well… almost—the edges of his lips pulled up a tiny bit. But they couldn’t reach his eyes.
“His first words to me were ‘Hey stop. With that awkward posture you can’t even snag a baby rabbit.’ He really was kind. Then, he called Rak a pet, a big crocodile. So sassy. When I was scared that someone wanted to hunt me, he just hit the big gator with his bag and told me to run. It would have been funny if we weren’t running for our lives.”
Hwaryun watched quietly as Viole fingered the piece of cloth, gently smoothing it between his hands. She could vaguely make out the symbol of one of the Great Families.
Viole went on with his story, looking at what he held, seemingly entranced by memories that floated warmly in his chest. “He saved me and we hid behind a big rock. He suddenly turned serious when I told him that Rak wanted to fight with the Black March. He grabbed my hand tight and looked at me intensely with those sharp eyes. That was the first time I realized how blue they were and wondered if the sky beyond the tower was as beautiful as they are.”
He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I wonder... What if I met him first? What if it was him who brought me out of that dark cave? Would he have saved me and kept me by his side? Maybe then I would still be with him, listening to him and Rak bicker, laughing at his jokes, or learning more about the Tower as we enjoyed the company of our friends. Then, at the end of the day, we’d watch the lights dim as we set aside tests and worries for the night, and I’d listen to his breath grow shallow and steady, warm in the thought that in the morning I’d see his blue eyes once again…
“He said he’d decided to go up the tower with me, that he didn’t care about the rules anymore and laughed as he said that it would be fun to hang out with me. I thought it was funny since I was a quiet person. I thought that raging gator would be more fun than me and I was right. There was never a dull moment with Rak. And one thing never changed, he was always loud.” Viole chuckled softly as he combed over those precious memories. It almost sounded like a sob.
Hwaryun didn’t want to break his reverie. Somehow she knew, her god needed this. There’s more than enough time before he has to leave. So she just listened.
“The first time I teamed up with Khun, there was an exhilarating rush and when he smiled back at me once we had captured Rak, my chest felt pleasantly warm. I think I was really happy back then,” he finished.
“You were,” she acknowledged.
“Will I ever be happy like that again?” he asked though he knew it was pointless.
“Only you can decide that. Now come, my god. We have a mission to accomplish.”
I hate being lonely… I hate it so much.
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
Jinsung was waiting for him when he came back from the mission.
“Your training is finished,” Jinsung said. “It’s time for you to make your way up the Tower.”
“By myself?” Viole blinked.
“Hwaryun will continue to be your guide. We will be in touch with you as needed. Well, actually you don’t have to return if you don’t want to. Just be happy.”
As if I could do that. FUG still has the lives of my friends hostage. But Viole remained silent save for a murmured thank you.
He could finally move on his own and take the tests by himself. Of course FUG will still be monitoring him and he’ll have to report all his movements but if he’s careful then maybe…
Viole rejected the thought before it could form.
---⁖⁘ Viole ⁖⁘---
No. I can not be careless. Master said I am ready but even now I am hardly strong enough. I know I don’t deserve to be happy but I can't help wanting the things I do.
Maybe I am like a child running towards what he wants and selfishly trying to keep it within his grasp.
Maybe I’m as crazy as they say I am.
How am I to deny it when it hurts this much? This ache in my chest and in my head that's almost tearing me apart.
Rachel tried to kill me. There’s no denying it. Saying she was sorry doesn't cut it.
Why...?
Why?
Why did she do that?
What does she know about me?
Why has it come to this?!
Apparently, though I knew what she desired, I didn’t know to what extent she was willing to go for those stars.
There’s a bitter taste in my mouth and it makes me cringe because it doesn’t belong there. I’m confused. I’m conflicted. I’m angry. At her. At me. At this Tower. At the damn stars that she wants to see.
What ifs and if onlys keep swimming in my head. What if I tried to convince her better not to go up the Tower? What if I tried harder to convince her to let me leave that cave earlier? What if I was stronger? If only I hadn’t met her. If only I could have forgotten about her just like she told me… If only…
But I can’t deny that I do not regret meeting Khun and Rak. I do not regret making friends and spending time with them because those were the happiest moments of my life. I’ve never smiled or laughed as much as I did in the little time I spent with them compared to all that time I spent in the cave that was tainted in sorrow because I held myself back and naively thought that what Rachel gave me was enough.
For a long time I tumbled into bed exhausted and cried myself to sleep. Those are my friends. I worked hard to make them and keep them. They are mine!
So I will do what I must… I will bloody my hands so that they can stay safe… For now I will get stronger. Until I am strong enough to protect what is precious to me. Strong enough that their lives can’t be used to threaten me to submission. Strong enough so I won’t have to suffer loneliness anymore. Strong enough to return to Khun and climb the Tower by his side.
Because I know deep inside... in spite of it all, rather than a deified weapon or a monstrous king-slayer, I still would rather be just the Twenty-fifth Bam.
I just... I just want to see Khun again. I want to be with him and the rest of our friends.
I just want to be me.
Dare I say that I just want to be HUMAN?
---⁖⁘ ❄ ⁖⁘---
Once upon a time, someone loved the stars so much that she wanted to be a star. The night cherished her anyway because her light though only reflected, broke the frightful dark. Still, the call of her wish was too strong. So she left the lonely night to chase after the endless light.
The night was very sad and chased after the only light he knew. And so he met the moon who became his first real friend.
The night was kind. He promised to be the star’s strength so she could have her heart’s desire. Little did he realize that the star was afraid of the night. And so she brought about his end.
The moon was distraught and mad with grief. How ever was he to know that when the night died a god did descend? And that trapped in the endless night the god despaired as he longed for his most precious friend.
---⁖⁘ ❄🌰 END 🌰❄ ⁖⁘---