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Kaito didn't come to training today.
With claims of colds and allergies, he had shooed Shuichi away from his door. The reassuring smile sent his way might even have placated him, had Shuichi not seen the blood on the hem of his sleeves, and the droplets at the corner of his mouth.
Kaito was sick. Far sicker than either of them were willing to admit. So Shuichi let him stay in his room, let him naïvely believe that Shuichi couldn't see through his lies. It was better that way.
That left Shuichi with a problem. He couldn't snap the delicate threads of his daily routine, couldn't collapse the web holding him up. His step-by-step plans for the day were the only thing keeping him sane in this godforsaken dome, he couldn't destroy that by not going to training. The simple idea of training without Kaito had him feeling sick to the stomach. Careful breaths and slow steps led him out onto the grass.
So there he was, sweating even in the cool night air, desperately trying to get to 100 sit ups. It was difficult without Kaito's constant chatter.
At some point he had zoned out, left cold and empty by his own brain. He sat there, curled over his knees, feeling almost like a corpse.
Almost like–
It was his fault Kaede and Rantaro were dead. He knew that. Their voices played on loop in his mind every night. He was the one who told Kaede there might have been a mastermind. His stupid, faulty detective work got people hurt, ruined lives. That's how it always had been, the truth was dangerous, he should have known better. He was the one who killed Rantaro, not Kaede. The blood... Shuichi's lungs stuttered and shook. He killed them both, he killed all of them. He should have been the one who died. He should never have solved that case, why did he listen to Kaede? He should have kept his mouth shut. He was supposed to keep his mouth shut. He learned that, years ago.
Shuichi's stomach felt twisted, his throat burned with acid. He was going to throw up. Or maybe pass out. Maybe both? He should just... If Shuichi wasn't here would Kaito be saved from that same fate? If he… would he finally do one helpful thing with his worthless life? If he ki–
"Hey." Shuichi snapped his head up, blinking twice to see Maki sitting next to him on the grass. How long had she been there?
"You're shaking," She said bluntly. Shuichi took stock of himself. He had lost touch with his limbs minutes or hours or years ago. Maki was right, as usual.
She pressed onwards without waiting for a reply. "Spill it."
He felt calmer with Maki's presence, though he was still weak and shaky. But, if she hadn't interrupted that train of thought...
He looked back down, fiddling with a blade of grass. Was it worth it to tell her? She couldn't do anything, she couldn't bring them back, couldn't stop Shuichi from being an idiot. It would change nothing. Maki's eyes burned into his skin.
He mumbled to the floor. "I could have saved them." The grass was soft under his fingers, pliable. Traitorously, his brain reminded him that it's still alive, unlike– the blade snapped with a sickening crunch.
He squeezed his eyes shut, breath quick and unsteady. "I–I shouldn't ha–have–" His throat tightened, choking him and his words. He cursed himself for stuttering.
Maki seemed to have an epiphany, and turned to face him. She took his chin in her hand, not quite tight enough to hurt but not exactly gently. "Shuichi, stop that." She said firmly. He barely registered her words, but he knew he couldn't. He never had. He always fell into whirlpools of thoughts, choked, and spluttered. He always drowned.
"You had no choice but to solve the case." She tilted his chin up, forcing him to look at her face. "If you didn't, everyone else would have died."
He cringed. The mention of death didn't help, it crashed into his thoughts like a wave against a cliff, but Maki was trying. Maki was trying. His gaze flickered up to hers, but fell quickly. He couldn't hold the eye contact he knew she was looking for. He tried though, he really, really, tried, but the thought of it made his stomach churn and he was in the wrong headspace for risk-taking. He stared resolutely at one of her scrunchies instead, shaking, hoping she'd end the conversation here. Her hand stayed put.
"It isn't your fault." Maki said, voice taking on a pained tone he couldn't place. She was wrong, though. It was his fault. He knew, deep in his gut, that if he hadn't told Kaede about his deduction, she wouldn't have…
Shuichi wanted this to be over. He needed this to stop. He needed her to move her hand, his skin burned under her touch. Sharp, and cold, like blood would be drawn if he breathed wrong. He knew she didn't mean it like that, of course she didn't. He didn't mind touching normally, and this was rare for her, but he couldn't deal with it right now. His head spun with a mantra of 'I can't, I can't, I can't!' Goosebumps and shivers ran through him.
He forced out a small, strangled "I know."
But all he knew is that he was a liar. A murderer.
Maki studied him for a long, agonising moment. Then she let go.
"Let's do push ups." She stated more than requested, already moving into position. His train of thought ground to a stop.
Whether she believed Shuichi or sensed his once again declining mental state, he couldn't tell. Either way, he was grateful to have something else to focus on.
---
They spent the better part of an hour in silence, aside from Shuichi's ragged breathing. Strangely, his thoughts stayed silent. The effort involved in the workout made it hard to ruminate. Maki seemed to have noticed the physical difficulty, though, and slowed her pace to match him. Even so, she finished before him, tucking barely loose strands of hair back into her twin-tails.
By the time Shuichi finished his set, it was evident that Maki's distraction worked.
It was nice, he thought, training with Maki. He hadn't really expected that, he'd always thought that Kaito bridged Shuichi and Maki. Kaito was carefree in the way Shuichi wasn't, full of boisterous exclamations of dreams and beliefs. Maki was... well, Maki. She could be harsh and biting when she needed to, but Shuichi was realising today that she cared. She wasn't particularly fond of feelings or affection, so he hadn't been able to tell before now, but it was obvious with the way she saw him in trouble and went out of her way to help. He didn't know why she cared, but she did.
Shuichi collapsed into the grass to lay on his back.
It was funny, he'd never noticed how pretty the stars were. The gentle hues of the night sky were calming. Encouraging, almost. He took deep breaths, basking in the starry light. Some small part of his mind registered that this sky was too clear, that they were far, far away from civilisation, but the rest of him was too tired to care.
Shuichi was content under this starry blanket. It almost seemed like a home away from home, even if the cold air brushed against his nose and the grass poked through his blazer. This was why Kaito was so passionate about space, he realised.
Maki blinked at him for a moment, before gingerly laying next to him, an uncertain - maybe confused - air radiating off her. He turned to face her.
"Maki, have you ever stargazed before?" He asked.
Kaito had told them all about the stars. Over games, in the middle of training, and even the few times Kaito had managed to drag Shuichi out of his room for breakfast. Even with all of his enthusiasm, they had never really stopped to lay down and look. Kaito had, certainly, but Shuichi and Maki had always been too focused on other things to take any breaks. He hadn't retained much of Kaito's infodumps, but the way Kaito spoke about it was imprinted in his memory despite that.
Shuichi breathed deeply as Maki glanced at him, hands under her head.
"No, I haven't." She moved to observe the stars. "I wasn't allowed." She spoke in an almost resigned way.
He frowned involuntarily, glad she was no longer facing him to see it. "I'm sorry."
Her eyes moved back to his face. "Don't be. Have you stargazed?"
Shuichi smiled, replying sofly. "Only with Kaito."
She didn't say anything in reply, but Shuichi thought he might have seen her smile for a second, too.
They laid there together, observing the stars. The chilled wind of the night ruffled their hair and flushed their cheeks, but it was consistent, gentle even, in the way that shoreline waves flow. The evening was a far cry from the pure positivity Kaede and Kaito threw into every moment, but it was safe here with Maki. He could breathe.
"Why are you so different in the trials?" Maki asked casually.
He shot up from the grass. "Wh-what? I-"
She sat up too, trying to explain, to soothe. "You're a lot calmer in them. Stronger."
Shuichi tried not to freak out. Could his brain seriously not handle being calm for 10 minutes? Chill out. What was he meant to say? How could he explain something like that? Did he even know why he was different? Maki waited for him to gather his thoughts, which felt like an eternity. He tried to telepathically apologise to her.
"I-," His eyes flicked to Maki's, then back to the floor.
Shuichi diverted to rambling. "I guess investigating is the only thing I feel prepared for, especially here. It might actually be the only thing I can do. I've been working with my uncle for a long time and it feels like... if I stop I–I'll fall apart. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't know." – He sucked in a breath – "By the end of the trials I rem–remember how dangerous the truth is, but by then I can't back out. Kaede–" Shuichi's breath caught, "Kaede... taught me that." He huffed a bitter laugh, fidgeting with another patch of grass. "Stupid, right?"
She just shook her head. "No."
Shuichi stared blankly.
Maki sighed, and twisted one of her twin-tails. "I'm scared too."
Shuichi didn't know what to say. With her endless rationality and stoic demeanor, he hadn't realised she might be afraid of everything going on. An oversight, on his part, really. They had been kidnapped and told to kill each other, for fuck's sake, not to mention this whole situation probably reopened a lot of fresh wounds for Maki. It made sense.
Maki made sense.
Shuichi tried harder than most people to understand the world around him, out of some deep, anxious compulsion. He rarely succeeded. But with Maki, the world was a little simpler. When Shuichi slipped and fell, she was there to set him upright, and when Kaito rushed in too fast, she was there to slow him down. Shuichi would catch her too, when the time came. They looked out for each other. Whether or not their fears were the same didn't matter as much as he thought it might. She understood and that was all he really needed.
"We're both a little fucked up, huh?" Maki whispered, a hint of a smile in her voice as she flopped back into the grass. Shuichi flashed her a grin, and she pulled him down with her in an unexpected display of mischief. Shuichi was startled for a millisecond, before they both broke into peals of laughter.
For the first time in a long time, he made easy eye contact.
"Yeah. I think... I think we'll be okay, though."
---
Hours later, they woke with entwined pinkies, faces bathed in the day's first rays of sunlight.