Chapter Text
You make me feel almost human.
-Lauren Daigle, 'Almost Human'
Hunched over at his usual place in the ship’s lab, Snatcher coats a glass fragment with a clear solution he spent the day adjusting. He holds up the glass with his pliers and guides its edge to line up with a counterpart fragment propped up on a stand. He leans closer and inhales to keep his hand steady, then reaches to a dial on the side of the lab table and ticks it up a degree at a time. As he does, a charged buzzing builds in the air and a thin laser drills onto the point of contact between the two pieces, setting them aglow starting from the jagged edge of their shattering point and expanding like magma to ignite them in their entirety.
A giggle sounds from the other table. “Hah, what’s a Luka? ” Hat Kid asks.
Snatcher’s hand spasms, cranking the dial and the low buzzing becomes a shriek. The needle of focused light expands into a brilliant beam, and the glass fragments flash white-hot and burst into a spray of molten dust.
“Agh!” Snatcher flinches back, cutting the laser and dropping the pliers as the microscopic shrapnel slaps against his face shield. Even though he’s wearing gloves, he wrings his hands out, the miniature concussion enough to sting him where his clothes are thinner.
“Whoa! Are you okay?” Hat Kid tosses a book onto the table and vaults over to him, Bow Kid at her side.
Snatcher whips his head in their direction, stopping them mid-sprint with a burning glare. “ What did you call me?”
Hat Kid actually shuffles back a half-step. “I...didn’t call you anything? I was just wondering what a ‘Luka’ was.”
Snatcher flinches at the sound of his name again, and at the sight of it, the two kids frown with worry.
“Snatcher?” Bow Kid peeps.
And like a counterspell, hearing that name--the one the two of them have been calling him this entire time--spoken in Bow’s tiny, distressed voice, shakes him back to rational thought. He takes a breath to steady himself.
“Where did you see that?” he asks, peeling the face shield away from his head and tossing it haphazardly to the side.
“Um, it was just in one of your books,” Hat Kid says, brushing her knuckles together with her shoulders withdrawn. “I thought it was maybe an ingredient or something.”
“What?” he groans, sliding his way over to follow them back to their side of the lab. Hat Kid picks up the book she had been holding before rushing to check on him and points at a slip of paper that had been stuck in the margins. A dried flower is still pressed onto it, hints of deep pink still persisting even through the fading of age. Snatcher picks it up and reads it.
Dearest Luka--for whenever you find your mind is wandering and needs a place to rest. -Love, Ven.
Right. That was the old journal she gave him when they were young. He never ended up writing in it when he was still alive because he had been paralyzed trying to figure out the perfect ideas for what to fill it with. Snatcher stares at note for far too long, and the kids bubble next to him with suppressed questions. When the edges of the paper crinkle from the force of his grip, he unclenches his hand and lets it sway back down onto the table. “It’s not an ingredient.” He rips the goggles off and throws them over his shoulder onto the floor, the gloves dropping in a trail behind him not long after as he stalks toward the door.
Snatcher slows down once he makes it to the bridge, realizing he has no destination in mind, only that the sudden pressure that engulfed him in the workshop expelled him from the room. The kids have tiptoed out after him--he feels rather than hears their nervous approach from behind.
"Is it a name?" Bow Kid asks quietly, and in her voice Snatcher hears rather than sees the hunch of her shoulders and her fidgeting with her thumbs. He answers with silence.
" Your name?" Hat Kid follows, also hesitant.
He contemplates fleeing again, but they'll follow if he leaves them confused. "Yes."
"From before?"
" Yes, obviously! " he hisses, and his feet propel him forward again, back to the bedroom. He shouldn’t snap at them, he tells himself as he marches out. It’s not their fault. He’s surprised Hat Kid hasn’t retaliated by now. They don’t seem to be following anymore though, which is a temporary blessing that will have repercussions later, when he has to pick up his own pieces and soothe their hurt feelings.
Snatcher drops himself face down on his bed and makes himself a coffin out of his blanket and lies this way until he’s light-headed from the partial smothering. When he comes up for air, Bow Kid is sitting two feet away, knees pulled up to her chest, and Snatcher lurches, slapping a hand to his chest.
"Oh f-Kid! When did you materialize there?"
She twists around and pulls a mug of tea from behind her and pushes it toward him.
Snatcher eyes the mug, then gingerly takes it, rubbing his eyes with his other hand. "Let me guess," he sighs, "the other one is mad."
"No," Bow says, to his surprise. "She just feels bad so she doesn’t want to talk yet. But she wanted to give you tea."
It’s still pretty warm when he sips it, though a little over-brewed, giving it an edge of bitterness. Snatcher lifts an eyebrow at Bow. "And what about you?"
She shrugs and curls up tighter.
Snatcher sighs again and shuffles himself over to sit next to her, leaning against the glass of the window. He drapes the blanket over her so they’re both wrapped in it together. Bow Kid unfurls in its shelter and snuggles closer, ducking herself under his arm.
"So your name is Luka?" she asks after a time. The sound of it still sends a stab of ice through his core. "It’s a nice name." She glances up at him. "You don’t like it?"
He huffs bitterly. This is a better conversation for Moonjumper, but he has to hold his own for now. "It’s just been a long time," he says. "I guess I don’t really feel like that guy anymore."
Bow Kid scrunches her nose adorably. "You don’t feel like...yourself?"
"Yeah, kid. We’re not the same people, y’know? I mean we are, but we’re not." Great talk, Snatcher.
"Huh?" Bow says, predictably.
"I don’t know either, kid. I just don’t feel like he’s me. I’ve spent a long time being a ghost, remember?"
“Oh...Like you changed so much that you could be two people?”
“Heh, see, you got it.”
“But then…” She frowns. “You’re different now too.”
Now there’s a lot to unpack in that. “Yeah, I guess.” Snatcher laughs nervously. “I guess being human again, I fell back into some old habits.” The words taste strange even as he says them, coated in the flavor of denial, so acrid now that he knows its name. “Well, not exactly, I-I mean…” But the words to match the feeling are tangled in the weeds. He took so much for granted how Moonjumper could hear what he couldn’t say. Snatcher tugs at the hem of the blanket, aware that Bow is watching him, still waiting for him to finish his thought.
“Old Luka habits?” she asks, once it becomes obvious he’s tapered off. “Sorry…” she says, after he flinches.
“I-yeah. Suppose so.” But again, not exactly. He’s holding her against his chest, curled up in the warmth of a blanket in the comforting dark, and he can’t blame this on his past anymore. These things are coming close to second-nature by now. The sounds of their footsteps, their chatter, their presence have imprinted into the background of his life so that he moves in accord with their orbit like a satellite captured by their gravity.
“So then, if you change back...are you gonna be like your, uh, your normal Snatcher-y self again too?” she asks.
Snatcher hesitates. The kid makes a point, after all: he’s different now. Once they fix the Time Piece, will he change again? Will he forget the warmth of this moment? Will he forget his whispered confession to Moonjumper? The texture of denial on his tongue? There’s too much uncertainty in his future. Best to manage expectations. “I-uh. Maybe, kid. I don’t know.” But even as he says this, his arm around her shoulders tightens.
“Oh. You were kind of scary.”
That should be validating. He was trying to be at the time. But there’s something she’s trying to say, underneath what comes out aloud. Her words eddy around the heart of the matter like a river diverting around obstacles hidden below the surface.
I didn’t want to lose you, she’d said, when she held his hand.
Though perfectly still on the surface, Snatcher’s heart races--the heart that ghosts don’t have.
“Heh, yeah, kid, that was kind of the point.”
“I know,” she says glumly.
It’s going to be a while before Bow Kid works up to saying what she really means, but maybe it’s just another testament to the way he’s changed that Snatcher hears the words within the words-- I want you to stay this way.
(Does he? )
They talk some more, mostly about books and alchemy, though at one point Bow Kid finally admits she hated the Death Wishes but did them because she was worried about Hat.
“You weren’t supposed to like them,” he tells her, but he can’t even trust the things he says anymore. The magic of hindsight, he thinks with chagrin. If he really wanted to drive them away, there had always been more efficient methods.
After nearly an hour, Hat Kid still hasn’t returned, so the two of them shuffle down the slide, Snatcher with the blanket still draped over his shoulders like a cape, and Bow tiptoeing beside him, hidden in its folds, and they embark on their investigation together. They find Hat slumped over with her face on the kitchen table and a mug of room-temperature cocoa still in her hand as she snores. Snatcher fails to both pick her up and keep the blanket on, so Bow Kid takes over cape responsibilities while Snatcher carries her droopy sibling back to the bedroom.
(His upper body strength is improving.)
“I’m not sleepy,” Hat Kid says with her eyes still closed when he props her on the edge of the bed.
“Sure thing, kiddo.” Off to the side, Bow Kid rummages through their closet to get their pajamas.
“I’m not, ” she says. She looks up at him with puffy eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you mad. I didn’t know-Agh!”
Snatcher cuts her off with a poke in the side as he sits down next to her. “I know.” He stares down at his hands clasped in his lap. “It’s not your fault. I...I shouldn’t have, uh, shouldn’t have yelled.”
“So if that note was for you, then...Ven is…”
“Vanessa, yes.”
She’s silent for a while, and even Bow Kid looks somber as she hands over Hat’s sleep clothes and then sits on Hat’s other side. “Why’d she do that to you?” she bites out at last, taking Snatcher aback.
He drops a hand on top of her head, making her slump down a bit. “Whoa, kid, take it easy!” Her jaw still juts out as she grits her teeth. “Where’s this coming from?”
“You were family, right?” Hat snaps, though it’s not directed at him for once. “Family’s supposed to take care of each other!”
“Hey, hey! It’s okay!” He grabs ahold of her shoulder, giving it a little shake.
“It’s not!” She bangs her fists on her thighs. “They’re supposed to be on your side, not hurt you! You-” She turns to him, and her eyes are fully watery again. She opens her mouth to shout something else but her lip trembles, and she clamps it shut again, clenching her teeth so hard it makes Snatcher’s head hurt to look at. Beside her, Bow Kid sniffles too, apparently caught up in the burst of emotion. Hat Kid throws her arms around him, balling up the fabric of his shirt in her grip.
“Kiddo…” It’s a little hard for him to move since she has his arms pinned to his side, but he manages to pry her off him. He lifts his hand, draws it back in hesitation for a moment, then reaches forward and shakily brushes his thumb along her cheek until she finally loosens her jaw. “Come on, what’s going on?” he asks softly.
“You-” she hiccups, “-looked so sad.”
Snatcher goes still, parsing her meaning. He picks up her pajamas which have spilled onto the floor in her outburst. “You’re upset because I was sad?” he asks, still keeping his voice low.
At the very least, Hat only sticks her lip out this time instead of fully grinding her teeth, but she doesn’t respond otherwise, only glares down at nothing. That she got so angry on his behalf is something he’s going to have to sort through too, but right now neither kid seems like they can talk about it, and Snatcher doesn’t have the presence of mind to guide them through it himself. Instead he stands up, nudging Hat Kid to join him and coaxes them to the washroom to get cleaned up and changed and nips off to the kitchen to make some comfort food while they’re occupied.
He heats up a fresh round of cocoa for the two and renews his own cup of tea, keeping watch over a pot of instant soup as he does so. When the drinks are done and the soup simmers idly, Snatcher leans back against the counter and scrubs his face with his hands, finally alone to catch himself up with the situation. Who is he now? He’s wondered this a number of times in the last several weeks, but never so loudly. There is the question, but where is the answer? All these times he’s tried to pin his actions on the instincts of his old self, but he never used to do any of this. Instincts they may be, but these are new.
He picks up the tray of drinks and food, gripping them harder than necessary just to make sure the tremor in his hands doesn’t create a mess, and steps back out into the hall to be whoever it is he has become--the guy that makes them cocoa and carries them to bed.
“Hey, kiddos, feeling better?” Snatcher sets the tray down on the bedside stand. The kids are sitting in bed, Hat Kid just a mound entirely submerged in blankets, and Bow Kid up to her chin in them, leaning against her.
“Mrmgh,” Hat grumbles in a muffled voice.
Snatcher peels the blanket off. Their hair is still damp from washing, leaving water stains on the sheets and pillows. They take the offerings of food with mumbled thanks and eat quietly while Snatcher sits on the edge of the bed, wondering what he’s supposed to say.
“You don’t have to think about what happened to me,” he finally says. “It was a long time ago.” Meaning: please don’t think about what happened to me, you’re a couple of kids, oh my god, don’t think about that.
“But you still think about it,” Hat says.
“Not all the time.” And he realizes this is more true now than ever. For once, instead of burying those memories and carefully skirting around their gravesite, Snatcher has been so preoccupied with other things that he’s been trampling all over it. “I’m fine, kiddo.” He’s not, really, but this too is truer than it has ever been.
“But the note,” Hat Kid presses.
He shakes his head. “Just surprised me. Maybe brought some things back. But those are my things to carry, got it? It’s not something I want you to be worrying about.”
“Okay…” The way she glances off to the side tells him otherwise.
“I’m serious, kid.”
“I know!”
That’s probably as good as he’s going to get out of her, whether she actually decides to listen to him or not, so Snatcher lets it go.
Bow beckons a hand toward him. “Are you going to read tonight?”
“Hm? Sure, kiddo.” He leans over to the bed stand and grabs the novel they’ve been working through. He opens it and starts reading--silently. Snatcher suppresses a smile, waiting. A pillow smacks the side of his face, and he snorts.
“Out loud, peck-neck!” Hat Kid says.
“Well, you didn’t say!” he laughs, but flips back to where they actually left off and begins the bedtime ritual in earnest.