Chapter Text
“Okay… how about we have some Chunin proctor this years exams? Considering the Jonin are stretched so thin.”
Atsuko recommended from her spot in the chair across from Lady Tsunade. The blonde woman leaned her elbows on the desk between them and hummed in thought.
“It’s not standard procedure… but ever since the attack by the Hidden Sand Village, the Jonin ranks just haven’t been the same. We lost too many in the attack and not enough Chunin have been promoted. It could work.”
Tsunade agreed, nodding slowly before Atsuko could continue.
“Additionally, maybe we could request that each village who sends their Genin to participate, also send a few Jonin to assist with proctoring? It may show our hand, but I feel like it would be a sign of good faith. Might boost morale between villages.”
Atsuko suggested, shrugging a little to show she wasn’t too attached to the idea. This was the way things had gone for 2 and a half years. Shikaku, being the Jonin Commander and representative for the villages Shinobi, would advise Lady Tsunade on what was best for the Jonin and Atsuko would take up the position of providing an outside perspective. However, it wasn’t often that the two crossed paths.
When she’d first started this job, she didn’t quite understand why Tsunade had selected her. But, over the years, she came to realize that she viewed things differently from quite a few of the people in the upper ranks and that her opinion or suggestions were often outside of the box. She didn’t care for tradition or societal rules, considering things from a more emotional and compassionate perspective.
After 3 months in this position, Atsuko had asked Tsunade why she’d been chosen in the first place. She’d made an ass of herself at a meeting with the villages councilors and had almost been fired as a result. Tsunade had let out an all suffering sigh, burying her face in her hands before grumbling, “Honestly, Atsuko. I don’t know.”.
It had stung at the time but Atusko had shown up for work the next day anyway. She worked all day, running errands and sending out communications to neighboring towns, filing mission reports and presenting the more delicate ones to Lady Tsunade for review. By the end of the day, the older woman pulled her aside.
“I chose you for this position because you’re likable, Atsuko. I need someone who can improve relations between the council and the people of the village. Not only that, but you have a big heart and a propensity for compassion. Understanding. You see the way people act and it helps you understand their motivations. I need someone like that here. Who can read and wiggle in between the lines.”
So, that’s what Atsuko had being doing for 2 and a half years. She almost acted as a liaison between Tsunade and the people of the village. When Lady Hokage herself wasn’t able to tend to something minor in the village, Atsuko would go in her place. A representative of sorts. She would travel with Tsunade to her meetings with the Feudal Lord and sit in on any meeting the woman had, just to monitor the expressions of the person she was speaking with. Fine tuning her people reading skills, she could tell when someone was lying or if there was an ulterior motive to some of the things they were saying. It worked well, and Atsuko was able to pick out these discretions with near 100% accuracy by this point in her career.
Other days, she and Shizune would assist with paperwork and the other mundane parts of Tsunade’s job. But today, they were discussing the upcoming Chunin exams and how to proceed considering they were still low on Jonin.
“That actually isn’t a bad idea, Atsuko… I’m sure Gaara would send some of his people. We could send a letter to each of the four Kage. Draft up the letters later today and bring them to me for approval. Make sure they don’t sound like requests for assistance.”
Tsunade instructed, and Atsuko nodded, jotting down it down on the To-Do List she had resting on her lap.
“Also, if we are definitely going to employ some of the villages Chunin as proctors, I would like to suggest Shikamaru Nara.”
Atsuko tossed out her final suggestion, not pulling her eyes away from the paper in her lap as she wrote down some additional notes.
“Of course. He was the only student from the previous exams to be promoted to Chunin. He would be perfect for the first stage. We should be able to spare a few Jonin for general safety and monitoring as well. Izumo, Kotetsu, and, since his team is temporarily dissolved, Kakashi Hatake.”
Tsunade answered and Atsuko nodded in response, jotting down the names. Not that she would forget, but she found it comforting to list out the events of her day. Journaling had become a big part of her life in the past couple years. She found it easier to process everything if she broke it down, hour by hour. At the mention of Kakashi, her breathing stuttered slightly, but she kept it under control. This wouldn’t be the first time she’d have to see him and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.
“I can speak with all of them today if you’d like.”
Atsuko offered and Tsunade confirmed.
“Okay, great. I’ll have the letters drafted and on your desk this evening. As well as the paperwork for the proctors of the Chunin exams.”
Atsuko answered, swiftly standing from her chair and tucking her black day journal under her arm. Tsunade smiled in a way that Atsuko couldn’t help but admire. While Atsuko strived to maintain a professional distance with the older woman during working hours, they had grown rather close over the past couple years. Jiraiya being Atsuko’s father had greased the wheels for that relationship, Tsunade pretty quickly taking on the role of the fun Aunt.
Late evenings in the office turned into drinks and easy conversation between Shizune, Atsuko, and Tsunade. Though, Shizune was often left to play the designated sober friend as the other two women drank more than their fair share of sake. Being able to hold her liquor had certainly earned her some brownie points in the beginning and Atsuko soon found that those little reprieves from life, locked away in the Hokage’s office, were like chicken soup for the soul. Lighthearted conversations mixed with in depth emotional ones left her feeling warm and content when everything else in her life had been so unsure.
“I think it’s a good evening for drinks.”
Tsunade piped up, leaning back in her chair with a smile on her face. Atsuko couldn’t stop the chuckle that bubbled up from her throat.
“It’s always a good evening for drinks. I’ll bring dinner?”
She suggested, and the blonde woman nodded.
“Perfect. Thank you, Atsuko. I will see you then.”
Tsunade finished and Atsuko took that as her cue to leave. She excused herself from the office and began to make her way out of the Hokage Tower in search of Shikamaru, Kakashi, and the other Jonin on her list. Deciding it would be best to stop by her house first. Just to check the mail first. Definitely not because she wanted to freshen up before she saw Kakashi.
On the walk home, she found her mind wandering. But not in the way it used to. Aside from her job and the requirements that came along with it, she’d spent the majority of her free time in the last couple years alone. Over the last year or so, she’d found some peace within herself. It hadn’t been easy but she’d started by confronting some of her darker thoughts. Processing them and her emotions in the privacy of her home.
She spent a lot of time revitalizing the garden in her backyard and slowly redesigning the interior of the house. It gave her something productive to do that had visible results. With the new rose bushes planted in the backyard, she allowed her hurt regarding Kakashi to leave her. Burying her apologies in the warm dirt and accepting that, while she had been the deciding factor in the end of their relationship, she would always love him.
As she finished the last strokes of sage green paint on her kitchen cabinets, she came to terms with Sasuke’s loss. She still worried about him from time to time, and as the deadline for Orochimaru’s transfer into his body neared, she found it happened more often. However, she knew that what he was doing was necessary. She’d promised to support him no matter what, so she took solace in that never-ending pride and love.
Her entire home had been renovated over the course of 6 months and she found that every room held a healing energy she couldn’t quite describe. The kitchen reminded her of Sasuke, the backyard was dedicated to Kakashi. Her bedroom renovation had allowed her to confront some of her darkest fears and thoughts, so when she crawled into bed now, she felt free. Weightless and able to sleep peacefully, consistently, for the first time in several, several, years.
She’d even kicked the habit of picking at her finger nails. Granted, she realized that some things would never leave her. She still had bad days, occasionally, and sometimes her worries would rise without provocation. But she felt better equipped to handle those things now that she wasn’t seeking refuge in other people. Atsuko had come to terms with who she was and, in all honesty, had become her own best friend.
So, as she strolled home with the sun on her chest and face, she hummed under her breath, the music rattling around in her mouth and mixing with the sounds of the village. Today would be a good day because she had decided it would be.
When she finally arrived home, she deposited her journal and keys on the kitchen table, thumbing through the mail as she moved to the bedroom to change her shirt. It was warmer than she’d been expecting this morning and her typical long sleeve shirt was suffocating her. As she peeled off the sweaty material, she spotted an envelope with her name written in confident block letters on the back and a smile spread across her face. Jiraiya. She quickly tugged on a short sleeved shirt and zipped her Jonin vest back on over top of it before sitting on the edge of the bed and tearing into the envelope. As she did so, Yami entered the bedroom, announcing her presence with a soft ‘meow’ before hopping onto the bed and making herself at home in the blankets.
Atsuko had found some peace in the last couple years, but it hadn’t been easy in the beginning. After Kakashi had packed up the last of his things, she’d turned back to drinking and self isolation for a while. Spending all of her down time curled up in bed with a bottle. Tenzo had tried to stop by on a few occasions to talk to her, but she’d shunned pretty much everyone in her life at that point. Not putting any effort into personal relationships. She’d sent him away several times, letting him know he needed to focus on himself and allow her some space to think. But the one person who had managed to get through those defenses was the person she’d least expected.
She had started this night just like any other. After coming home from a long day, Atsuko forced herself to shower before pulling on a pair of old sweatpants and an even older t-shirt. She got settled on the couch with a bottle of whiskey and clicked the TV on, content to drink until she passed out while whatever program was on filled the silence. The blue light from the screen filled the dark room and the volume was entirely too loud, so there wouldn’t be an opportunity for a clear thought. Just noise and light until the alcohol forced her under. This would be how she spent the entirety of her weekend.
This had been her routine for several weeks now. She would fight a hangover the next morning and force herself through a day of work, only to return home and start the cycle all over again. She took a pull from the bottle, holding the glass neck in a clenched fist as her eyes focused on the television. Or rather, focused on the flashes of color. She didn’t have the energy to even pay attention to the show that was on, just staring for the sake of overloading her senses.
Just as she was about to take another swig, a sharp knock on the front door caused her to rip the bottle away from her mouth. She tried to ignore it, settling deeper into the cushions of the couch in defiance, but the knock came again, louder this time. With a groan, she pulled herself up and muted the TV.
“Who is it?”
She shouted, hoping she could just tell whoever it was to go away for now. She figured it was likely Tenzo. He would show up every couple days to try and get her to talk to him, but she’d been consistently sending him away. Telling him she would talk to him when she was ready. But he was persistent. So, the last time he’d knocked on her door she’d been rather rude in an attempt to keep him from coming around. She’d told him to ‘leave her alone’ and ‘get a life’ before slamming the door in his face.
It was harsh, but she really just couldn’t stand the idea of being coddled at this point. He would coo and pet her hair and tell her everything was going to be okay. But that’s not what she needed. She felt like she needed to suffer in silence and pay for her sins. Additionally, the stunt he’d pulled in the hospital had left her with a bad taste in her mouth. Cuddling into her lap and holding her like that… with Kakashi out of the picture, she didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. Or make another emotional mistake by sleeping with him in a moment of vulnerability. It was just best that he stay away for now.
“It’s Jiraiya!”
The voice from the other side called back and Atsuko’s eyes widened at that. He was not at all who she was expecting.
“C’mon! I thought I’d come and collect on that meal you promised.”
He shouted again, not giving her much time to think. At that request, she scoffed at the memory of the family dinner she’d planned, right before her family fell apart. Just as she was about to tell him to leave, a small voice in the back of her head rang out.
Well, not your entire family… he’s here, isn’t he?
She found herself moving from the couch before she had time to fully consider the action, shuffling around to the front door and turning the lock. She pulled it open just enough to see the man on her porch. Jiraiya was grinning wildly at her, like a giant kid with his eyes scrunched shut.
“Hey, kiddo. Long time, no see…”
He introduced, and immediately Atsuko regretted opening the door.
“Ah… Hey Jiraiya. Look, I’m really not in the mo-!”
But before she could finish her sentence, the large man was pushing the door open and stepping into her home. She was so shocked, she didn’t even try to push back, just gripping the doorknob as she swung around along with the door, wide eyed and sputtering slightly.
“You know, it’s not good manners to invite someone over and then stand them up.”
Jiraiya continued as he slipped his sandals off next to the door. He moved past the foyer into the living room and it took Atsuko a second to snap out of it and follow him, allowing the front door to swing shut. When she followed him into the living room, he was already making himself at home, sitting down on the couch and kicking his feet up on the coffee table. She watched in mild astonishment as he had the nerve to wrinkle his nose in disgust at the liquor bottle and trash on the table, using his big toe to poke at the glass bottle. His eyes scanned the room and he spoke without looking at her.
“Damn, you’ve really let the place go, huh? Akari would have your head if she could see this mess.”
Jiraiya commented, snatching the remote from the couch and turning the TV off, leaving them in just the darkness of her living room. Not a single light was on. Atsuko was still so stunned by his boldness that she hadn’t moved from her position next to the couch, staring down at him in wide eyed horror. No one had been in the house since Kakashi had packed the rest of his things and now that someone else had entered her space and commented on the state it was in, she felt her stomach churning at the site. He was right. The coffee table was covered in empty soda cans and liquor bottles. There were water ring stains on the wood and an ashtray that was overflowing with cigarette butts. Dirty clothes and trash littered the floor around the room and when she turned slightly to look at the kitchen, it wasn’t in much better shape. The sink was brimming with several weeks worth of dirty dishes. So much so that the mess of pots and plates had spread to the counter because she’d ran out of room in the sink.
The kitchen table was covered in trash as well. Grocery bags and junk mail and empty take out containers galore. She’d been living in it for so long, she hadn’t realized how disgusting it was. She swallowed against the growing lump in her throat and turned her attention back to the man on the couch.
“Yeah… sorry, I wasn’t expecting guests.”
She huffed, more than a little irritated at his presence. She turned the living room light on, wincing slightly at the brightness and at how it brought even more grime into view. She snatched the still open liquor bottle from the coffee table and took a long drink.
“That shit’ll kill ya. Maybe go a little easier on it.”
Jiraiya commented and Atsuko scoffed as she pulled the bottle away from her lips, fixing him with a condescending smirk.
“Gee. Thanks, dad. Any other fatherly advice you want to impart on me before I kick you out?”
Atsuko snapped, locking eyes with the older man for a tense moment. Anger is a secondary emotion, her brain reminded her and she turned away from him with a sigh, walking over to the kitchen table and setting her bottle down. She kept her back to him, trying her hardest to calm down. The sound of the couch creaking was overwhelming loud in the quiet house as Jiraiya stood behind her.
“If you really want me to head out, I will. Just figured you’d like to spend some time with your dear old dad before I have to leave for a while.”
He replied, the last sentence sarcastic and teasing as she heard him shuffle towards the foyer. Of course he was leaving. She turned on her heel, fixing him with an exasperated expression, trying her best to hide the disappointment in her question.
“You’re leaving the village?”
She asked, and he took a step closer, arms crossing over his wide chest as he gave her a nod.
“Mmm-hmm. I’m taking Naruto too. We need to keep him on the move to avoid the Akatsuki for the time being.”
He replied and Atsuko had to stifle another scoff. Of course. She’d just found out he was her father and now he was leaving for some undetermined amount of time with Naruto. Bitter jealousy gnawed at her stomach and she crossed her arms as well, turning her gaze to the floor.
“I know about what happened, Atsuko. I wanted to come and talk to you afterwards, but Tsunade said you needed some space. Time. Whatever. I know it’s kind of late now but… I don’t know, I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to be doing here. I just wanted to check on you. Based on the mess, seems like you needed someone to.”
Jiraiya finished, looking around the room again with concern, his eyebrows furrowed. Atsuko let out a defeated sigh at his words. They were genuine. She knew he was just trying his hand at whatever dad’s were supposed to do when their daughters were upset, and she’d rudely thrown that back in his face. Honestly, his presence was welcome. She was ashamed that he, or anyone, had to see her this way, but he was right. She probably did need someone to just push their way through the barriers she’d erected.
She pulled her head back up and nodded, dropping her arms as she moved to turn on the kitchen light as well. She wrinkled her nose in disgust of the dishes and garbage.
“Okay… I’ll make dinner. But it may be a minute… I have to clean a little first.”
After Atsuko had cleaned and made dinner, Jiraiya had decided to stay the night on her couch. So, that had forced her to clean the living room as well. The next day, the older man had encouraged her to get out of the house for a bit. He treated her to lunch and brought her to Naruto’s training. The young blonde had been ecstatic to see her and she’d actually gotten the chance to properly thank him for all he’d done to help Sasuke. She still remembered the grin he’d given her and his promise that he was going to get stronger and bring Sasuke back to the village. Back to her and Sakura. She’d had to excuse herself to cry.
After that weekend, Jiraiya and Naruto had set off on their journey. Her father promised to write her as often as he could while they were gone. And he’d stuck true to that promise. Just about every week, there’d be a new letter waiting for her when she got home. Even if it was just a few lines letting her know that he was thinking of her, she relished in them and stashed every single letter in her own keepsake box.
As she peeled this one open, a photo caught her eye first. This was the third one he’d sent over the last couple years. It wasn’t often that they had time to take pictures during their travels, he’d explained in a letter, but he always made sure that when they did he had an additional copy made to send her. Their bond grew over these written communications and she couldn’t wait to see him when he and Naruto finally returned to the village. The photo was one of Jiraiya and Naruto, grinning wide with their eyes scrunched shut. Jiraiya looked the same as ever, his mane of wild white hair framing his face and sporting a blinding smile that somehow managed to give the older man an almost boyish quality. Next to him, Naruto was giving the camera a thumbs up and her eyes widened when she saw him. Just from the picture she could tell how much he’d grown. He was taller and more mature looking, but that smile of his was the same as ever. Unwavering and confident. She wondered if that energetic nature of his had calmed any during his time away.
Jiraiya had told her through letters that Naruto was so fixated on catching up to Sasuke, it pushed him to new heights every day. That information had warmed her heart. She’d witnessed their bond morph into something beautiful during the time Team 7 was still intact and she knew that Naruto had provided Sasuke with some much needed sunshine. To think that the young blonde was so dedicated to his friend that just seeing him again inspired so much strength… it also gave her hope. She remembered something she’d told Sasuke once. It felt like a lifetime since then, but the words rang out in her head like it had just happened yesterday.
“I’m going to live my life in service of that love… And I’m not the only one. There are other people who would do the same for you if you gave them the chance. So, please, don’t turn your back on us.”
Though Sasuke had left the village in pursuit of his own goals and attempted to sever his bond with Naruto, she was glad to see she’d been right all along. Sasuke was loved deeply, and that fact filled her with an indescribable warmth.
She set the photo aside and carefully opened the letter. It was one of the shorter ones, fitting on a single page.
Hey, Atsuko,
I hope you’re still doing well and that Tsunade isn’t running you ragged. She can be pretty demanding, trust me I know. I wanted to send you this quick letter and let you know that Naruto and I should be returning to the Hidden Leaf a week or so from when you get this.
In your last letter you said that you wanted to know how Naruto was doing, so I included this picture for you. Figured it couldn’t hurt to have another one of your dear old dad, either. You know, last time I told you that the kid has come a long way, and I mean it. He’s even starting to look like a man!
Miss you like crazy, kiddo, and I can’t wait to see you. I’m hoping you’ll greet me with open arms and an open kitchen… these food stands we’ve been hitting recently just don’t compare to a home cooked meal. I promise I’ll bring the booze and the good stories.
Love,
Dad
Atsuko grinned as she read over the letter. He’d started referring to himself as ‘Dad’ in a serious way about six months ago and, while she hadn’t really adjusted to calling him that, it made her smile when she read it. The promise to return in a week was huge. They’d been communicating through letters alone for the last two years and she was excited to finally be able to see him and Naruto again. She’d also need to inform Tsunade of this update, considering Naruto was still being pursued by the Akatsuki as far as they knew. Though Jiraiya had mentioned a few letters back that they hadn’t had any run-ins with the group.
When she rose from the bed to ready herself to leave the house again, Yami let out a disapproving meow as her sleeping spot was disturbed. Atsuko chuckled, reaching back to the scratch the black cat behind her ears. Immediately, she stretched out and rolled over to lay in a ray of sunlight that was shining in from the window.
“Tch. Lazy cat.”
Atsuko scoffed before leaving the bedroom entirely in favor of checking her appearance in the bathroom before she left to speak with Kakashi. The white streak in her hair had spread over the years, peppering her dark hair with white pieces throughout. It had also managed to claim her eyebrows, now totally white in color, matching her father. She hadn’t minded the changes. In fact, she’d found it pretty cool when the little white hairs had started to sprout up.
Other than that, not much had changed. Her honey toned eyes were wide and sharp as ever, lips maintaining their circular fullness and the shape of her face following suit. Though, she’d found it difficult to regain the weight she’d lost on her mission to find Sasuke. With her job being so demanding and with no obligations to feed anyone other than herself, sometimes she just forgot to eat. It wasn’t the healthiest, but she’d work on it down the road. She maintained a curvier shape, but a lot of the meat on her bones had melted away. Though, honestly, the more she came to terms with her inner feelings, the less she cared about her appearance. As long as she was clean and dressed decently, she didn’t concern herself with much else.
Even now as she stood in the mirror, trying to freshen up before she saw Kakashi, she couldn’t really bring herself to find any faults. She looked happy and healthy, that was all that mattered. She pulled her hair into a half up bun, leaving a few salt and pepper strands to frame her face. Then, she reapplied some deodorant and gave herself a couple spritz of homemade rose water before collecting her journal and keys, leaving the house.
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On her way to talk to Shikamaru, she’d actually run into Izumo and Kotetsu on their way to the training grounds. She’d quickly advised them of Tsunade’s request to assist with the upcoming Chunin Exams and both had agreed. Though it wasn’t like they could actually deny an order from the Hokage. Still, Atsuko checked them off the list in her black notebook before continuing on to find Shikamaru. She figured he’d be with Asuma, playing Shogi or just following the older man around leisurely.
Sure enough, she found them in their typical Shogi spot, the board positioned on the floor between them as they sat crossed legged. She crossed the garden to where they were seated, waving as Asuma noticed her presence. The gruff looking man had a lit cigarette in his mouth and he smiled as she drew closer, immediately reaching into his vest pocket to produce a pack of cigarettes. When she finally reached them, he held the carton out to her and Atsuko gratefully accepted, slipping one of the cigarettes from the pack and leaning down so Asuma could light it.
“Hey, Atsuko.”
Asuma and Shikamaru both commented at the same time.
“What brings you out here? Tsunade need something from me?”
Asuma questioned as she took her first drag, Atsuko shook her head as she let the puff of smoke go with an easy exhale. She propped the lit object between her lips and fumbled to pull her notebook out from under her arm.
“Nope. I’m actually here to see the boy genius.”
She responded, smiling around the cigarette filter at Shikamaru. He’d grown over the years too. Honestly, it was a little scary how much all of the kids had changed. Shikamaru, specifically, was starting to look like a grown man. He was a couple inches taller than her now, eyes more narrow and cheekbones more prominent as his face lost some of its childlike roundness. He gave her a skeptical look as she flipped through her notebook, removing the cigarette and teetering it between her fingers at the bottom of the page, carefully not to burn the book.
“Lady Tsunade has requested that you assist in proctoring the Chunin Exams this year. She’d like you to handle the first stage.”
Atsuko advised and Shikamaru immediately dropped his head back with a groan.
“God, what a drag.”
He moaned, causing Atsuko to chuckle as she took another drag from her cigarette, flicking the ashes to the ground beside her. Asuma jumped in soon after.
“Drag or not, Shikamaru, if the Hokage is requesting you to handle something personally, you don’t have a choice. It also speaks to what she thinks of you.”
Asuma advised and Atsuko nodded in agreement, raising an eyebrow at the teenager.
“You should know that when we were discussing having Chunin assist in this years exams, your name was the first one we both thought of. It means that Lady Hokage herself sees your potential. She wikes you…”
Atsuko cooed the last words, reaching out to jokingly pinch Shikamaru’s cheek. He groaned again, swatting her hand away before leaning back with his palms planted on the ground behind him. Asuma chuckled from his spot next to Atsuko as a faint blush covered Shikamaru’s cheeks and he stared up at the sky, rolling his eyes.
“Fine, fine. I’ll do it. But I just want it to go on record that I wish I wasn’t.”
He conceded and Atsuko chuckled again.
“Noted. Mentally. I’ll write down that you enthusiastically agreed.”
She hummed, balancing her cigarette back between her lips as she jotted down his response. Shikamaru turned his head slightly to look at her through squinted eyes, the sun shinning down in them.
“Who else is helping?"
He asked, face already scrunched up like he expected to dislike the answer. Atsuko clicked her pen, slipping it back into her vest pocket and tucking her journal back under her arm as she took another drag from the cigarette, hands now totally free so she could properly enjoy it.
“Kotetsu and Izumo. I’ve already spoken with them. You, of course. I’m supposed to go see Kakashi as well. But we’re gonna send some letters to the other Kage, see if they have anyone of their own they’d like to include in the process. So, if this goes the way I expect, it’ll probably just be a few Sand Ninja.”
Atsuko replied, and Asuma hummed slightly, responding before Shikamaru had the chance to.
“That’s probably a good idea. Strengthening morale between villages and all. And speaking of Kakashi, how is he? I haven’t seen him around in a while.”
Asuma asked, only to be met with a shrug from Atsuko, the question making her heart flutter a little. Everyone knew what had happened between her and Kakashi. They both had eventually had to tell people that they were no longer together. Afterwards, in Atsuko’s experience, the same question always came. ‘But why? You were so good together?’. She didn’t feel right airing their dirty laundry, so she’d always replied the same way. ‘I screwed up and things just kind of fell apart.’
However, Asuma seemed to make it a point to ask about Kakashi like they were still together. She couldn’t tell if it was some kind of manipulation tactic or if he just genuinely never cared to change his language. Still, she’d grown used to it.
“I haven’t seen him in a while either. The last time was… oh, jeez, a couple months ago I believe. And it was only in passing after Tsunade had assigned him a mission. Was kinda hoping you guys might know where he is so I don’t have to turn the whole village upside down looking for him.”
She replied, flicking her cigarette to the ground and stomping it out with her sandal. Asuma and Shikamaru both shook their heads in unison.
“Nope. Sorry we couldn’t be of more help. But when you do find him, could you give him a message for me?”
Asuma asked and Atsuko nodded, he extended his hands and she understood immediately, slipping him her notebook. He skipped to a back page and tore it out, pulling a pen from his own pocket and scribbling something down on the note before folding it up and handing it to her.
“It’s private though. So, no prying eyes.”
He warned, throwing her a good natured wink. Atsuko only laughed and nodded, sliding the folded up note under the front cover.
“Yeah, I don’t wanna know what it is you all talk about, anyway.”
She quipped, earning her a chuckle from the gruff man.
“Okay, I’m off. Thanks for the smoke, Asuma. And Shikamaru, you’ll want to stop by the Hokage’s office bright and early tomorrow to start discussing the first phase.”
Atsuko advised as she exited the garden, her back turning just in time to hear Shikamaru let out another suffering groan.
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She spent the next couple hours trying to track down Kakashi, growing steadily more irritated by the minute. He wasn’t at his apartment. Nor the training grounds, and she’d searched almost the entire plot of land. From there, she’d gone to check some of the restaurants and bars she knew he frequented, only to find his typical seats empty. She sighed as she stepped back out on the the busy street after checking the barbecue place he liked. There was only one other place she could think of and she really preferred not to bother him there if that’s where he was. However, she didn’t know where he’d go after that and she really didn’t feel like doing this song and dance again.
So, she set off in the direction of the Memorial Stone. By this point, the sun was beating down from it position high in the sky. The heat of the summer day was merciless and she was covered in a thin sheen of sweat that never seemed to dissipate. She stopped in a small corner store, buying herself a cold bottle of water, and another for Kakashi when she finally ran into him.
By the time she pushed through the trees to the clearing that housed the Memorial Stone, the majority of her bottle was gone. But she could see him in the distance, sitting on the ground and leaning against the smooth slate. He seemed to be relaxing and not mourning, so she approached with a little more confidence.
The sight of Kakashi still managed to take her breath away. He was wearing a similar outfit to her, a short sleeved navy shirt with his Jonin vest zipped up over the top. His long legs were sprawled out on the ground in front of him and his head was tipped back towards the sky. He hadn’t aged at all over the last 2 years and she found it unfair to say the least. Not a single new wrinkle or the sprouting of crows feet around his eyes. He looked just as young and beautiful as the day he’d packed the last of his belongings. He still wore his mask, the black fabric showing off the sharp line of his jaw as he relaxed, seemingly trying to enjoy the sunlight instead of fighting the heat it produced.
His silver hair was a little shorter now and not so… voluminous. But when he jerked his head up as he heard her approach, it was like seeing him for the first time all over again. Her heart skipped a beat and she gave him a nervous smile as she drew closer. He didn’t move to stand, but he did return her soft smile, his visible eye shutting in the process.
“Hey.”
He greeted and she nodded,
“Hey… I figured this is where I’d find you… Here.”
Atsuko returned, handing him the cold water bottle as she drew close enough to pass it to him. He reached out gratefully, taking the object from her hands and immediately pulling down his mask to take several, thirsty, swigs. She couldn’t tell if it was the heat of the day or the way a few beads of water escaped his mouth and ran down his strong chin, but her cheeks warmed as she tore her eyes away from his face. She looked at the Memorial Stone over his shoulder, chewing the inside of her cheek as he drained the bottle.
Seeing him was always so strange after everything that had happened. When they’d parted ways, it didn’t feel like she thought a break up should. There was no screaming or hurling ugly words. It was almost like any time they spent apart was nothing but a bookmark. Reminding them that they could resume at any point. At first, it had just felt like a break. Maybe they could reconcile soon. But as the months turned to years, Atsuko was left in some weird limbo. She didn’t feel quite right when he wasn’t around, but she didn’t feel like things could ever go back to the way they used to be.
So, she’d pushed the idea of getting back together with him to the back of her mind. He still managed to elicit some reactions from her when they ran into one another, so she tried to avoid it as much as possible. Especially considering her current position. It just wouldn’t be right to entertain those ideas any more.
As she waited for him to finish his drink, the image of the water dripping down his chin brought back a memory. A few days after the initial ‘break-up’ Kakashi had come back by the house to collect the rest of his things.
Sitting at the kitchen table, clutching a hot cup of coffee between shaking hands, Atsuko was trying her hardest to maintain her cool. It had only been a few days since she’d asked Kakashi to leave but she knew he was on his way back today to speak with her and gather the rest of his belongings. She’d tried to go through some things last night, separating his clothes from hers and looking around for his books and other items, but she’d just ended up making a mess of things. There was a mountain of clothing on her bed and other things strewn across the floor because she couldn’t tell what was his or hers anymore. They’d only been living together for a year, but they’d managed to blend every aspect of their separate lives into a massive shared one.
She had spent the last couple days in bed. Crying and refusing to move, even if no one was there to tell her to do so. Still, none of this made any sense. Atsuko couldn’t seem to figure out why she wanted him to leave so badly. She thought about what he’d said that night and it did make sense, but she couldn’t bring herself to work with the logical side of her brain. Deep down, she just wanted to feel miserable. To be left alone to cry and rot away to nothing. There was nothing that could truly make her feel better at this point, so she welcomed the sorrow and pain.
As she cradled the hot ceramic in her hands, she raised it to her lips just in time to see the front door swing open. Kakashi was walking in like he still lived there, pulling his keys from the lock and turning his head up to meet her shocked stare.
“Oh. Sorry… Habit, I guess.”
Kakashi stated as he pushed the door closed behind him and crossed the threshold into the kitchen. They stared at each other for a tense moment before Atsuko finally lowered her mug to rest on the kitchen table. Neither of them seemed to know how to proceed, so she tore her eyes away from his face and managed a soft.
“I tried to separate some of your things out… they’re on the bed.”
She told him and Kakashi immediately let out a harsh scoff. Atsuko jerked her head back up, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and anger only to find him shaking his head in disbelief.
“You still want me out?”
He questioned, like he could hardly believe that she was sticking to what she’d demanded in her emotional state several days ago. Atsuko nodded slowly, clearly there had been some kind of miscommunication.
“Yes? Kakashi… this is over.”
Atsuko added, gesturing between the two of them with that final line. His shoulders slumped for a moment and he dropped his head to stare down at the ground. Another silence fell in the room before he shook his head and straightened his shoulders. He moved so quickly, she could hardly see him. Before Atsuko could register was what happening, her chair had been turned to the side and Kakashi was kneeling in front of her, his mask pulled down and his hands gripping her thighs.
“Ka-!”
She started to speak, but he cut her off when one of his hands flew to the back of her neck and he smashed his mouth against hers. Atsuko gasped immediately as the desperate kiss took her by surprise and he used that as his opportunity to deepen it, the grip on the back of her neck tightening. This wasn’t right, her brain screamed, but he was sucking the air from her lungs and the slightly dizzy feeling that induced caused her to give in. She reached out and gripped the front of his shirt in tight fists, tugging him closer as her legs opened and she welcomed his trim waist between her knees. Her eyes fluttered shut just as the tears started, rolling down her cheeks and further soaking the already sloppy kiss.
When it seemed like she wasn’t going to pull away, Kakashi lowered his hands to her hips and sunk his fingers into the meat there, pulling her to the edge of the seat and pressing her impossibly closer. Atsuko broke the kiss to breathe, their foreheads pressed tightly together as both of their eyes peeled open to stare at one another, chests molding together as they fought to catch their breath.
“Kakashi… this won’t change anything.”
Atsuko managed, voice already ragged from the short but passionate kiss. Suddenly, Kakashi opened the eye containing his Sharingan, a move that was only reserved for the most intense moments. The gaze he fixed her with so deeply personal that it felt like her chest was on fire, burning hot and suffocating.
“I know. I just can’t stand the thought that… that someone else would be the last one to touch you.”
Kakashi breathed, an angry edge in his normally calm voice. His words took her by surprise, he’d been so measured in his response to her infidelity just a couple days ago… But now, maybe he was finally realizing that this was over. He didn’t feel the need to tamper down that jealousy anymore. It also implied that there would never be anyone else for her after him. He would be her last. Atsuko knew that was the truth as well. When he was gone, she would be alone forever unless they decided to reconcile. No one could compare. So, her hand splayed against his chest before sliding upwards and around his neck, tangling in the silver hair on the base of his head. She leaned forward and sealed their lips against one another again.
After they’d shared what had turned out to be the most heartbreaking, passionate, sex of her life, Kakashi had begun packing his things. It was surreal. The empty feeling that she couldn’t really describe, combined with a post sex haze as the love of her life prepared to exit her life. Their relationship was over, but it didn’t feel like the end. No more hurtful words were exchanged and no more real tears shed. When Kakashi was preparing to leave for the final time, Atsuko had stopped him. Apologizing profusely but telling him this was the way things had to be. Then, he’d responded in a way she would never forget.
‘Quit apologizing. I’ve already forgiven you.’
Even if that had been the case regarding her infidelity, they both understood why the break-up was really happening. Atsuko needed time away to figure everything out. To get in touch with herself and come to terms with Sasuke’s loss. Kakashi, whether or not he wanted to admit it, had some introspection to do as well. He couldn’t just turn a blind eye to the fact that his adoptive step-son and student had packed up and left the village. They needed to process everything separately and, thanks to that time apart, Atsuko felt like she was in the best position of her life.
Mentally, she was more sound and had learned new coping skills. She had a well paying job that she loved and she didn’t depend on anyone else to make her happy anymore. She’d converted her home into a sanctuary and she’d come to terms with a lot of what had happened. Not just regarding Kakashi, but Sasuke as well. And some events from her war-torn childhood that has always plagued her. Life wasn’t perfect and neither was she, but things were looking up.
However, as she recalled the words he’d spoken to her at the time and the way they’d made her feel, a little guilt gnawed at her insides. Logically, it had been an emotional time in both of their lives and two years had gone past. They’d both felt and said things that didn’t reflect what they felt now… or so she hoped that was the case for him. She’d moved on and she desperately prayed that he had as well. Unable to bear the idea that he really had spent all of this time waiting for her or trying to better himself with the goal of getting her back as his driving force.
Despite the fact that she told herself she’d moved on, she couldn’t help the butterflies in her stomach that hatched every time he was near.
“Thanks, I really needed that.”
Kakashi commented, pulling her from her thoughts as he set the empty water bottle down on the ground next to him.
“I figured if you were out here you would. It’s hot as hell.”
She responded, moving to take a seat next to him against the stone. She needed a break after running around looking for him all morning. Kakashi let out a hum of agreement, squinting up at the sun for a moment before readjusting his mask and turning to look at her.
“What’s up? Got a mission for me?”
He questioned, and Atsuko shrugged, opening the notebook in her lap as he peered down at it.
“Kinda. Well, Lady Tsunade wanted me to see if you’d be interested in assisting with the Chunin Exams this year?”
Atsuko asked, unsure why she phrased it like a question when they both knew it was non-negotiable. Kakashi let out a dry chuckle and nodded, turning to look back across the clearing.
“Hm. You say that like I have a choice. When do I need to be there to go over details?”
He asked, maintaining some professionalism in his tone.
“Tomorrow morning. Doesn’t really matter what time since I believe she’s just requesting your assistance with security and monitoring…”
Atsuko replied, already jotting down the time she’d spoken with him and his agreement. As she went to shut the notebook, the note from Asuma poked out between the pages and she pulled out the folded paper.
“Ah, Asuma wanted me to give you this. I’m not sure what it says, he said it was private.”
She said dismissively, handing him the note before settling back against the stone and looking across the clearing again. There was slight ruffling of paper and Kakashi’s eyes scanned over the paper before letting out a humorless chuckle and stuffing it into the pocket on his vest.
“How have you been?”
He questioned, clearly not intent on sharing the contents of the note with her. Atsuko smiled in response, choosing her words carefully as not to tell him the tid-bit of information about her life that she was afraid may upset him.
“Really good, actually. I finished the renovations on the house. Everything is bloom, so I spend a lot of my free time in the garden. Well, what free time I have when Tsunade isn’t running me ragged… but, overall, good. I feel great. How about you?”
She asked, dropping her head back as well to feel the sun on her neck and chest. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, only to find him watching her intently with a visible smile under his mask. The sun was hitting him beautifully, his silver hair glimmering and dark eyes reflecting light in a way that was mesmerizing.
“I’m alright. Haven’t had much time to relax, though. Seems like it’s just one mission after another these days.”
Kakashi replied, sighing slightly at the end as his head dropped back again as well, staring up at the sparse clouds scattered across the bright blue sky. Atsuko hummed in response, turning her eyes back above as well.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll get a break soon. Get to laze around for a couple days and do some reading…”
She mused and he hummed as well.
“That does sound good…”
He agreed, followed by a sound of approval from Atsuko. It did sound nice… he could relax with a good book. Nestled between her legs with his back resting against her stomach as her fingers moved over his lean shoulders, massaging and working away the tension his stressful job brought on. Her eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment, losing herself in the fantasy before she realized just exactly what she was doing.
She stood quickly, clearing her throat as she dusted off her pants and snatched her notebook from the ground.
“Ah… Well, I should be on my way back. I’ve still got some letters to draft up and paperwork to do.”
She excused, the blush covering her face now entirely due to his presence. Kakashi sat up as well, a flickering of confusion in his visible eye as she practically scrambled to get away. He chuckled as the realization hit him and he leaned back again to allow the sun to wash over him.
“You know, you treat me like you hardly know me.”
He sighed out and his words froze Atsuko in place, her eyes turning to saucers as she stared down at him. He was right but… she was just trying to be polite. She’d lost the right to act like she knew him intimately after what she’d done. Or so she thought. She tried to stutter out a response, but he beat her to it.
“Asuma’s note… Wanna know what it said?”
He questioned, opening an eye to peak at her again. She could see the smirk under his mask, but still couldn’t formulate a response. He was crossing some invisible line she’d conjured over the years. Openly teasing her like this was something she’d thought impossible. Then again, she’d never been in a relationship that ended the way this one had. Hell, she’d never been in a relationship like theirs had been. Ever.
“It said, ‘Better get her back quick or Shikamaru’s gonna steal her.’”
Kakashi advised, letting the words go with the wind as his eyes fell shut again, seeming content to just bask in the sunlight. The words hit her like a punch to the stomach. Not because Kakashi actually had to worry about Shikamaru sweeping her off her feet… he was a kid and she knew Asuma’s letter was just meant to tease. Rather, it hurt her to hear it because someone else had already ‘stolen’ her.
“So, I guess I better up my game. It’s been a while. But I’ve been thinking recently. Wanna give it another go?”
He asked, casually, but the way his eyes peeled open to watch her was vigilant. There was a hint of something in his eyes… nervousness? Fear of rejection. Atsuko’s heart sunk at his expression combined with his words. But she didn’t want to think about it too much. She was in a different place now and he would just have to understand…
“Kakashi… I’m sorry but I’m already seeing someone.”
Atsuko replied, eyes still wide in shock as the words spilled from her mouth. The only people who knew she was seeing someone were Tsunade, Shizune, and Jiraiya. And Sakura, considering the pink haired girl spent a lot of her time training with Tsuande. But that was it. She didn’t feel the need to tell people because… well, because she felt it would be controversial among her friends. They wouldn’t be outright hateful about the situation, but Atsuko worried that because they were mutual friends of Kakashi, things might be awkward. So, she and the man she’d been seeing were keeping things low-key for the time being.
Kakashi’s face flashed quickly. There was clear hurt visible on his face for no more than a millisecond, then he was apologizing.
“Oh, I had no idea. I’m sorry if I made things awkward.”
He covered quickly, standing from the spot he’d been relaxing in and bringing his hand up to the back of his neck, the nervous gesture tugging at Atsuko’s heart strings.
“No, don’t worry about it, really! I haven’t told many people… it’s kind of casual but… I wanna give it a shot, ya know?”
She replied, both of them careful to keep the conversation light despite the fact that they both knew there were heavy implications to her dating again. There was a long silence that fell between them, awkward and heavy as the other tried to think of something to say.
“Who is it? Do I know him?”
Kakashi suddenly asked, trying to mask his jealous prying with a curious lilt. Atsuko saw the intentions immediately, but she opted to ignore it in favor of playing dumb. No need to call him out on it or start some strange argument. She smiled shyly and nodded.
“Uh, yeah. I’ve been seeing Tenzo for almost two months now…”
Atsuko replied, trying to maintain an almost embarrassed, shy, voice. That admission was probably like another punch to the gut for him. Her best friend throughout the entirety of their relationship and now that they were broken up, she was dating him. Still, Kakashi smiled fondly, closing his visible eye as he nodded.
“Oh, thats good… Tenzo’s a good man. You two were always close.”
Kakashi stated, maintaining that positive tone until the last sentence. Then, he fell a little flat, a slightly bitter edge in his voice. Atsuko nodded, again opting to ignore it.
“Yeah… like I said, it’s pretty casual but I’m happy.”
She concluded, shrugging nervously as she chewed at her bottom lip. Another silence fell as they both turned their gazes to the ground, watching as the wind swirled and kicked up a tiny tornado of dirt between them. The breeze not helping with the heat but rather causing the dirt to stick to Atsuko’s sweat covered arms. Suddenly, she felt gross. Sticky and too hot and dirty, unable to tell if the feeling was exacerbated by the conversation.
“I should get back… still got quite a bit on the docket for today… I’ll see you around, Kakashi.”
Atsuko excused, turning her head up to look at him for a brief moment. He forced a smile and nodded in return, throwing up a casual hand to wave at her.
“Sure. I’ll see you around, Atsuko.”
Kakashi replied, the sound of her name on his lips causing her stomach to turn with an emotion she couldn’t quite pin down. She forced the same awkward smile, offering him a wave before turning heel and heading back towards the Hokage Tower.