Chapter Text
“Goodnight, Sterl. I love you, honey.” April blew a kiss before hitting the button, smiling sadly as the screen went dark, the photo of smiling, happy Sterling fading to nothing.
She closed her eyes as she fought back the tears; tonight was not the night she was going to win this fight. In her heart, she doubted it was a fight she could ever win.
Every night, she did this, and every night she ended up wiping away tears. And it wasn’t getting any easier. Even after months of this particular bedtime routine, her heart felt like it was in the process of breaking, every night a fresh new wound.
If you asked her, April wouldn’t be able to provide you with a single sane, rational reason why she kept doing this to herself, but here, alone in the dark of the night, safe underneath the covers, she knew all too well the why: this was her penitence.
She had broken Sterling Wesley’s heart.
She had broken Sterling’s heart in the most cruel way imaginable, and it was only fair that she’d be reminded of what she had lost that night. What she had given up. Denied herself.
That part she could deal with. She’d spent years compartmentalizing her feelings. So this part was not new. Everything else was.
The first few days after the lock-in had been unbearable.
Walking through the doors of Willingham on Monday morning was easy. She was back to being April Stevens, valedictorian-in-waiting, perfect daughter, part of Team Stevens and as much as she hated her father, it was a part she had years to perfect.
Walking back out at the end of the day was the opposite of easy, because Sterling had been gone, missing, and nobody had any real answers as to why.
She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she’d been suffocating a little bit more the longer the day went on.
She made it out the doors and into her car before she broke down and sat there crying until Ezekiel found her and talked her down.
But that day had turned into several and enough days to finally make up a week, then another.
Eventually the twins returned, but nothing else did, nothing returned to normal.
She never got any answers, because Sterling wouldn’t talk to her. At first Sterling wouldn’t even look at her, and she couldn’t really blame her, because who would want to look at the bitch who would kiss you senseless one minute and then twist the knife in your back and leave you bleeding out on a bench the next.
It was even worse when Sterling one day did meet her eyes and she could see the depths of hurt and loss and confusion they contained.
Maybe Sterling had learned how to compartmentalize because to anyone else, she seemed fine, but April knew, she saw clear as day that the Sterling she loved wasn’t actually present anymore.
Something was broken, and although she wanted nothing more than to walk over to the blonde girl and wrap herself around her and comfort her and tell her it was going to be okay, she didn’t. She couldn’t. And she was pretty sure had she been brave enough for once in her life, she wouldn’t be welcomed.
The weeks had turned into months, and if she wasn’t careful, the months would turn into years and that would turn into Sterling being gone, out of her life, forever.
If she hadn’t already been crying, that thought would’ve done it.
Something had to change, she just had no idea of how. Or if she even deserved it.
Maybe someday, but not today.