Chapter Text
“Hyung.”
Taehyung looked around again, it supposed to be easy to spot him in the sea of people roaming around the busy district. Even if Seokjin wandered off, he couldn’t be too far that soon. “Hyung!” he called out loudly, retracing his steps back to the entrance of the shop where he promised Seokjin he would return to. There was no trace of Seokjin anywhere he looked, and Taehyung could feel himself shivering under his winter coat.
“I lost him... no... he’s just here... HYUNG!”
His heartbeat races the same pace as his running. Taehyung was getting desperate. His hyung, his one and only beloved, the man of his life, the only one worth living for.
Seokjin disappeared, just like that. Taehyung, however, wasn’t giving up just yet. As the clouds grew grey and the streets dim with chance of a light snow fall, put his hood up and continued to search for him. Looking at the phone screen, he focused on Seokjin’s photo, which was his wallpaper. He memorized his hyung’s features quietly, confident that this time, he would find him and bring him home.
Seokjin was five.
Taehyung was two.
Taehyung was brought in by the social worker one rainy Monday. For a room full of strangers, it was unusual for Taehyung to remain awake and not crying. He remained inside the elderly woman’s arms, looking around his new surroundings.
“We decided to name him Taehyung. I hope he grows into a fine boy.”
Seokjin, often found on the social worker office with his apparent fondness on babies - and basically any newcomer - welcomed the young Taehyung warmly. “Welcome!” he chirped at the toddler. Taehyung looked at him, his chubby cheeks remained as stoic as his blank expression. The social worker sighed softly, knowing well what’s wrong with the child.
“Jin-ah, can you help our Taehyungie walk to the playground? Play with him, okay?”
She placed Taehyung down, and Taehyung walked slowly towards Seokjin. With a grin plastered on his face, Seokjin held his hand then they went to the playground.
Seokjin and Taehyung both have something in common: they were both abandoned by their parents.
Seokjin was found crying on a parking lot outside Everland. Only aged three at the time, security guards and the police tried to reunite him with his parents, but due to his young age, he never returned home. He didn’t know his parents’ full name, only his name, and told them they lived “in a small house”. Seokjin was eventually turned over to the Department of Social Welfare, hoping to be adopted by a loving couple in need of their little family.
Taehyung was recovered from a den of drug pushers, a hidden yet dangerous part of the city. Nobody from the pushers acknowledged Taehyung as their child, so for his safety, he was also turned over to the same department. As his birth mother had been taking drugs during pregnancy, Taehyung had delayed development on his cognitive and social skills.
Taehyung couldn’t distinguish a stranger from a friend or family.
That was until he met Seokjin. Seokjin grew extra fond of him, even as new children arrive at the department with time passing. Seokjin loved to play with him, assist him on eating, taking a bath, even sleeping. Taehyung grew a liking to Seokjin as well, calling him an endearing nickname, which happened to be his first word.
“Hyung.”
How Taehyung treasured his favorite hyung, no one can accurately explain it. Years passed by with couples taking interest in adopting him, due to his charming personality and inclination to singing songs, but he wouldn’t agree as long “hyung goes with me”. Seokjin’s fondness for Taehyung turned into overprotection as he turned 10, Taehyung 7. With too many kids around, petty fights and bullying became a daily occurrence. Taehyung was often a victim of these pranks, being slow to figure out what’s happening.
Seokjin wasn’t only just overprotective, he was ready to beat up any children coming for Taehyung. It even escalated to him throwing a tantrum during an open house when few couples took interest in adopting Taehyung. He couldn’t take the idea of someone else taking care of his precious Taehyungie. So much so that the social workers have labelled the two as a “dangerous pair” thus promoting them less and less to prospect parents.
Seokjin was 18.
Taehyung was 14, about to turn 15 in a few days.
Seokjin was about to finish high school in a few months, and on Christmas day, he looked at the application form the social workers have given him. As he has approached legal age, he’s free to leave the orphanage and start his life somewhere else. There were three options: 1. to study in a public university, 2. to stay in the department and become a social worker, and 3. to find a job.
His head was throbbing from thinking about it too much. He wished for a fourth option, which was to leave the place with Taehyung.
Seokjin knew that Taehyung was still too young to face the harsh outside world, and it would be hard for him to blend in with the rest. In the orphanage alone, Taehyung rarely, if not never, interacts with others that weren’t Seokjin. Taehyung often stays beside Seokjin wherever he is, only separating when one has to go to the toilet or during their lessons.
Taehyung took special remedial classes in the morning and at night, he would have Seokjin as his tutor before going to sleep. He didn’t talk much too, but whenever Seokjin tells him stories about the things he have read or heard, be it fictional or otherwise, he would listen intently, trying his best to understand his hyung.
As Seokjin was still busy pondering on his form, Taehyung walked towards their shared bedroom, trapping his hyung into a warm embrace.
“‘Erry Chrismas, hyung,” he smiled sweetly, “Come down, there is hot chocolate!”
Seokjin chuckled and leaned on Taehyung’s warmth. “Merry Christmas too, Taehyungie. Can I ask you something?”
Taehyung nodded and looked at the piece of paper on Seokjin’s desk. He didn’t understand what that paper meant, but he knew that it made his hyung restless since his 18th birthday. “Yes, hyung?” he chirped.
“Do you want to live with me, I mean, outside the orphanage?”
Taehyung’s smile turned upside down, his eyebrows etched with worry. “It’s scary outside.”
Seokjin sighed softly. He patted his lap, asking Taehyung to sit there. Taehyung was quick to oblige and sat on Seokjin’s lap, looking at each other’s worried faces. “I’m a dumbass, remember?”
“No, baby, you’re not…” Seokjin placed his hand on the small of Taehyung’s back, drawing soothing circles, “Remember what your teacher said, right? It’s okay to fall back a little from others, you’re actually doing really well.”
“No, I’m dumb,” Taehyung started to cry, the sound piercing Seokjin’s heart the most. “Tae…” Seokjin pulled Taehyung and let the smaller boy cry, inhaling deeply, “It’s okay, I’ll continue to help you, I promise. If we live together outside the orphanage, we’ll have more time to play, mm? And nobody’s going to hurt you ever again.”
Taehyung blinked his tears. Seokjin has a point, he could feel the others making fun of him because he always lag behind them. He couldn’t even read hangeul properly and had to have each syllable dissected in order to understand what he’s reading. He felt Seokjin’s lips pressed on his hair, and he smiled at the gesture.
“It’s scary but… anywhere you are, I want to stay with you.”
“Yes, Taehyung, we’ll always be together,” Seokjin pushed Taehyung slightly away, laughing squeakily at the hopes of being contagious. Taehyung laughed as well, then they headed downstairs for a shared mug of hot chocolate.
It was indeed challenging to be in the outside world, fending for yourself for the first time.
Seokjin chose to get a job instead of attending college, as he was still dedicated to teaching Taehyung at night. He started off as a cashier for a nearby convenience store in the morning, then after a quick lunch in their small apartment home, he would go to his next job as a receptionist for a local supermarket. Both jobs are menial at best, but it was more than enough to sustain them their daily needs.
They found an old apartment for rent through one of the social workers who helped them settle in. At first, Taehyung found difficulty in adjusting to the new place; after all, he had been in the same place as far as he could remember. They shared a solo bed, Seokjin not minding resting his back against the wall just so Taehyung would have a wider place to sleep. They only ate two meals a day: bread for breakfast, ramyeon for lunch, and they sleep early for them not to feel the need to eat dinner.
One day, however, Seokjin arrived from the supermarket with chopped roasted chicken in a paper bag.
“Taehyungie, look! I got us chicken!” he opened the door with a wide smile, looking at Taehyung who was busy reviewing his science notes. Smelling the garlicky aroma, Taehyung’s tummy growled, making him pout.
“Hyung, I thought we won’t eat dinner to save money,” he went to Seokjin and helped him place the chicken on their plates. “We had a big sale earlier, Tae, so my supervisor let me take some food home for us to share.”
Seokjin then cooked some rice and seaweed soup, and Taehyung tried to help in any way possible. Being the breadwinner is tough for Seokjin, Taehyung thought, while he’s still struggling to finish middle school.
“Enjoy eating, Tae,” Seokjin sat on the floor beside Taehyung, “Hopefully in a few months I’ll get promoted so we could eat dinner too, okay?”
“Thank you, really,” Taehyung mumbled and started to eat. Oh how it feels heavenly to have a warm meal on a cold evening, he often wondered up to this day. He noticed that Seokjin ate way faster and in larger quantities than usual, which made him worry.
“Hyung, did you... skip lunch today?”
“I had no choice, after my shift at the convenience store, I was called to arrive at the supermarket early. Even if it’s a weekday, there are a lot of people already!” Seokjin laughed albeit himself, and when he noticed that Taehyung didn’t laugh, he looked at his worried face.
“Hyung, why did you skip? You told me never to skip breakfast and lunch.”
“I’m sorry...” Seokjin placed his bowl down and ruffled Taehyung’s messy hair, “I won’t skip meals again, I promise.”
“Don’t get sick, hyung... soon...” he stammered, his hands shaking, “Soon... I will finish middle school and high school, and I will also work like you... so that you don’t have to work two times...”
“I’m fine, Taehyung... come here,” Seokjin placed Taehyung’s head against his chest, embracing him warmly, “I’m happy that we’re here, you know, it’s not too much, but at least we’re having a peaceful time here, right?”
Taehyung embraced Seokjin back, his nose nuzzling against Seokjin’s chest. “Yes, hyung,” he mumbled softly, not minding the unusual loud thumping of his heart, the warmth on his cheeks, and an unfamiliar sensation on his core.
He wanted to ask Seokjin what that meant, but he was too shy to disturb his favorite hyung even more.
Seokjin was 21.
Taehyung was 18.
Taehyung spent most days at home when he’s not in school. Having his real age concealed to his fellow high school freshmen, he couldn’t make himself comfortable around younger people. He often sat at the last row, which made him struggle even more when it comes to listening to his teachers’ lectures.
He also developed a secret habit that he hoped to the heavens that Seokjin would never ever find out: he learned how to masturbate. It started with experimental touches against his crotch which he felt really good with, then it developed into an after-school delight until Seokjin comes home with takeout dinner. Usually, Seokjin would arrive at 7 in the evening, so Taehyung made sure that he had cleaned himself and looked at least decent to avoid any awkward questions.
It was until one day, Seokjin went home earlier than usual. He planned on cooking potato pancakes for Taehyung since it was a rainy night, so he took a cab instead of his usual subway and bus route.
“Tae...?” Seokjin opened the door, his lips partly opened as he saw Taehyung, naked from waist under, squirming at the anticipation of his climax. Taehyung looked at Seokjin with horror, quickly covering himself with a blanket.
“HYUNG!” he stammered with face as red as tomatoes, “THIS IS NOTHING, I’M SORRY—”
“It’s okay... It’s okay,” Seokjin tried to be comforting to the confused boy. He set the groceries down and walked slowly towards the flustered Taehyung. “This is normal, Taehyungie, you’re at the age where you’re curious about sexuality, mm?”
Taehyung opened his mouth in an attempt to say something - anything - to get rid of this awkward tension, but he couldn’t utter a word. If there was a word more extreme than ashamed, it would be his feeling at the moment.
He looked down shyly, remorseful of his actions yet his cock twitches involuntarily under the sheets. Taehyung let out a soft cry, it’s his first time being on the edge since he would normally do this as quickly as possible. “Hyung...” he whimpered, “It... it feels...”
Seokjin knew what Taehyung had meant. Being a young adult, Seokjin was no stranger to this stuff. He had quiet sessions by himself while Taehyung was beside him, dead asleep like a rock. There were moments where he feared that the younger would wake up at the slight quiver of the bed frame, or his staggered breathing, or even him getting out of bed to clean himself up, but up until now, Seokjin was somewhat confident that his Taehyung was as innocent as a child.
Taehyung, however, wasn’t a child anymore. He just turned 18 a winter ago, and the once lanky, small boy had been hit by the growth spurt. Taehyung was once only at Seokjin’s chest when they stand in front of each other, but because of this spurt, Taehyung was almost the same height as Seokjin’s, not ignoring the fact that Taehyung’s facial features have matured as well.
The two of them aren’t kids anymore, Seokjin thought as he slowly discarded the blanket hiding Taehyung’s erection. He smiled softly, giving Taehyung reassurance he knows what he’s going to do.
“Let me help you, Taehyung,” he settled his clammy right hand on top of Taehyung’s warm crotch, making Taehyung moan uncontrollably as Seokjin gripped Taehyung’s erect dick.
He’s so big... how did he grow big in front of my eyes?
Seokjin stroked up and down in staggered pacing, unsure if Taehyung wanted to go faster, slower, or stay at the same pace. Taehyung’s teeth gnawed at his lower lip as he kept on moaning, dripping precum on his bare abdomen. “Taehyung,” Seokjin whispered against Taehyung’s ear, “Do you want more?”
Confused at what “more” meant, Taehyung froze into place, puppy eyes looking back at Seokjin’s. “What is... more, hyung?”
“This.”
They’ve shared friendly, comforting kisses on the cheek and forehead before.
However, this was the first time their lips touched and kissed. Being each other’s first kiss, both of them stayed in the same, awkward position for a few seconds before Seokjin pulled away slightly, his face as crimson as Taehyung’s.
“We... kissed, like in those movies,” Taehyung stuttered, breaking into a cry as Seokjin picked up the pace, letting his cum paint Seokjin’s hand white as he reached his climax, “Hyung! Hyung...”
As he softened up, Seokjin reached for a box of paper towels to clean Taehyung up, but he got a bit brave and pulled Seokjin into a kiss again. Seokjin kissed back, his lips roaming around Taehyung’s face then down to his jawline and neck.
He pulled away quickly, realizing his carnal desires were clouding his rationality. Seokjin was craving for more, to taste Taehyung’s sweaty skin, to leave marks where they’re seen easily, to experience making love, but he was all levels of uncertainty and insecurity.
Seokjin inhaled deeply and looked around their small place. They’ve been living in a one-room apartment for three years; one step from the door, you arrive at the kitchen, two, to the bathroom, three, to their bed. He looked back at Taehyung, whose smiling albeit a tad shyer than usual. “Hyung?”
“Yes, Taehyung?”
“Do you love me?”
“Taehyung…”
Seokjin saw the sincerity in Taehyung’s eyes. Taehyung smiled softly, pointing at his lips.
“I kissed you because I love you, hyung. You also kissed me… so… do you love me too?”
Seokjin was stunned at Taehyung’s question, no idea what to answer given the gravity of the situation they’re in. Sure, he’s been with Taehyung for almost all of his life, and they’re more than just inseparable, and he deeply cares for Taehyung. Yet, what Taehyung asked him was a question he also asked himself.
Do I love Taehyung?
Does Taehyung even understand what love means?
“Taehyung I… I care so much about you… I…” he began to stammer, the intent look on Taehyung’s eyes made him even more guilty - obliged even - to reciprocate the younger’s feelings, “I want to spend more time with you by my side.”
“So, you love me?”
Seokjin leaned forward and kissed Taehyung’s forehead.
“Taehyung, how do you define ‘love’?”
It was difficult for Seokjin to ask him that. Taehyung’s eyebrows furrowed and he began mumbling to himself, trying to recall the dictionary definition of “love”. “Hyung, I think I read it somewhere, but I forgot, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Seokjin ruffled Taehyung’s wavy locks, chuckling softly, “I… I love you too, Taehyung, do you want to be in a relationship with me?”
Taehyung’s face brightened up. It made him remember all the cheesy scenes he watched on dramas and movies they binge on during weekends. Seokjin happened to pick up an old television set from some garage and Taehyung was so happy when Seokjin carried it back to their house. Seokjin then saved up some cash to buy a cheap DVD player and a few illegal copies from a shady portion of the district.
Seokjin figured that Taehyung was learning more - and faster - when he watches shows rather than reading them on books. Also, after a week’s worth of hard work, it was nice to kick back and relax with Taehyung on the weekends with some feel-good movie or some variety show they would happen to catch.
Seokjin could see the happiness on Taehyung’s eyes, and he knew that Taehyung was playing some sort of romantic scene in his mind. He playfully hit Taehyung’s head with a pillow. “Yah, Taehyung, I asked you a question…”
“Of course! I want to be your boyfriend, hyung,” Taehyung chirped, then he giggled giddily, the red of his cheeks crawling up to his ears, “So, are we… boyfriends now, hyung?”
Seokjin chuckled and nodded. “Now, clean up, boyfriend Taehyung, you’re going to help me prepare dinner.”
Seokjin was 22.
Taehyung was 19.
Seokjin might have taken some time considering if he made the right decision on making Taehyung as his boyfriend, but upon Taehyung’s enthusiastic reply, it went smoother than expected. Taehyung was more energetic and bubbly than usual, even if it meant that Seokjin would come home tired yet he would need extra energy to play with Taehyung and bond with him. Taehyung was doing well with school according to his teachers, and he’s due to graduate from high school real soon.
“Tell me, Tae, what do you want as a graduation gift?”
Taehyung squirmed under the sheets, his arms still wrapped around Seokjin’s waist. He hummed loudly, meaning he doesn’t want to tell Seokjin. Seokjin sighed deeply and patted Taehyung’s head.
“Tae? Come on, you deserve to get something nice for your graduation! Tell me, I’ll get it for you.”
Seokjin got a little anxious after saying that, but he had to assure Taehyung, whatever crazy wish Taehyung would ask and regardless the amount. He had saved up enough cash in their wooden drawer in the event Taehyung asks for an expensive toy or maybe, a smartphone of his own.
“I’m shy,” Taehyung whined yet again, dragging the last syllable long enough in the hopes of Seokjin changing the subject. Seokjin pouted, using that same pout to kiss Taehyung’s hair. He removed the sheets, revealing a redder-than-tomatoes Taehyung.
Seokjin’s certain that Taehyung’s most likely going to wish for something extravagant, so he flashed a confident smile.
“Come on, tell me, I can get you anything you want.”
Taehyung looked at Seokjin and he stammered.
“I want… sex.”
Seokjin blinked repeatedly in disbelief. “Can you… repeat that?”
“Hyung, I want to have sex with you,” Taehyung stumbled along his words, “Hyung, I want to go to a beautiful hotel and have sex with you.”
“Wait, wait…” Seokjin got up from his bed and placed his palms in front of his shoulders, “Taehyung? How did you get that idea?”
“Hyung, I’m not a kid anymore,” Taehyung got up too, his pout being a complete irony to what he had just said, “I… I know those stuff already, hyung. I watched them on DVD.”
Seokjin blinked repeatedly again. “What DVDs, Taehyung?”
Taehyung opened his mouth to reply but Seokjin covered it with his hand instead. “Okay, okay. I think I understand now… Taehyung, did you buy those with the money I gave you?”
Taehyung nodded, not feeling any shame or remorse from what he had done, as if it’s just a normal thing to do. “You give me money to buy food at school, hyung, but our lunch is always free, so I buy DVD from the old woman before going home. I told her that you’re my boyfriend, so she said I need to watch those videos to make you happy. Will you be happy if we have sex, hyung?”
Seokjin’s ears reddened it’s visible to the dim light surrounding them. “Of course, I mean…” he tried to beat around the bush, “That’s a huge step for us, Taehyung. Are you sure you want to do that?”
“Yes, hyung… I’m sure,” Taehyung cooed, giggling when Seokjin’s lips touched his bare neck and jawline, “I want you to be happy.”
True to his words, Seokjin did splurge on an overnight stay in a four-star hotel just at the premiere part of the district. After the graduation ceremony, he took Taehyung to a fancy restaurant, chuckling as the younger tried to read the English words in the menu. The dinner ended with a bottle of champagne to share, and after a few sips, Taehyung was feeling funny.
“Okay, no more wine for you,” Seokjin took the wine glass away from Taehyung, “Let’s just bring his to our hotel, okay?”
“Okaaaay,” Taehyung wrapped an arm around Seokjin’s waist on their way to their hotel room, nervousness slightly masked away by the alcohol inside his system. Not too long after, they were both on the large bed, kissing and touching each other’s writhing bodies. Seokjin had the courage to touch Taehyung in places he haven’t before, and Taehyung did the same. They were drunk in lust and longing for this day to come, not much on the shared bottle of wine.
Seokjin stripped Taehyung off of his clothes, his eyes softened at the sight of his naked boyfriend, all erect and ready to be devoured. Taehyung showed a soft smile, knowingly well that tonight would be special to the both of them, that this act will make his boyfriend happy.
I want hyung to be happy, as much as he always makes me, Taehyung cried as Seokjin entered his virgin hole, his entire body tensed up at the sensation. Seokjin felt weak as well, eyes locked with Taehyung’s while he moved slowly, allowing the younger to be accustomed to his size.
They grew louder with Seokjin going faster with his deep thrusts, Taehyung moaned Seokjin’s name loudly each time Seokjin hits his prostrate. Taehyung had already came a few times, and Seokjin found himself getting more turned on the more Taehyung openly released his seed. “Hyung,” he pulled Seokjin down for an open-mouthed kiss, just in time for Seokjin’s climax. Seokjin felt the warm fluid filling up the condom he’d worn, yet his cock wasn’t close to softening up.
He anticipated for this day to come that sharing only one round wasn’t enough for him. Same goes for Taehyung, he shyly asked Seokjin for one more round.
And another one.
And another one.
Taehyung asked once again, all high from the pleasure rushing through his body, but as soon as he stopped talking, he fell asleep. Laughing softly, Seokjin, even if he was exhausted himself, took the time to clean Taehyung up and prepare him to sleep. Arms around his beloved, Seokjin fell asleep with a smile in his face.
He’s certain that Taehyung’s the one he wants to be with until the end of time.
“Stay with me, Tae, Christmas is in a week so there’s a lot of people today, okay?”
Covered in a brand-new coat, Taehyung did everything in his power not to lose grip of his hyung’s hand as they walk around the busy shopping hall. True enough, there was a large crowd and in the sea of people, Taehyung couldn’t hide his fear of crowds. However, he tried to overcome it; he didn’t want Seokjin to shop all by himself.
“Hyung, I’m…”
“Shhh, baby…” Seokjin paused in his steps and faced Taehyung, “We’ll only buy a few things, then we can go have a nice meal at home, mm?”
“Don’t go,” Taehyung’s lips were trembling, his puppy eyes became glossy.
“Wherever I go, you will be beside me, I promise,” Seokjin kissed Taehyung’s cheeks and forehead, “Besides, we’ll get you new shoes too, there’s a sale on winter boots in the department store so that your feet won’t get chilly outside.”
Taehyung clung to Seokjin’s left arm. He’s well-aware of his incapability to distinguish strangers from people he actually know, especially with a crowd as huge as where they were. During their days in the social welfare house, Taehyung would sometimes mistake a taller boy to be Seokjin, and it would take him some time to realize that they’re not Seokjin.
He was confident with going to school on his own, however. Seokjin had left some notes in his phone that contain directions going to the subway station, the convenience store, his school, and the park. He’s also aware that Seokjin doesn’t go to his school unless the teachers gave out their report cards. Those were but a few things in his life that do not change drastically, and he found comfort in them.
Moments like this, however, took him out of his comfort zone. He kept on looking at Seokjin’s face, hoping not to forget it if he would, in case, get lost in the crowd. “Blue jacket, black cap…” he murmured what Seokjin was wearing, “Holding… a yellow bag…”
“We’re here, baby,” Seokjin ruffled Taehyung’s hair, pointing at the store, “They got some great shoes in here, so just pick whatever you want to buy, okay?”
They enter the large shoe store; Taehyung’s eyes roam around the shelves upon shelves of shoes with prices slashed off for the holidays. He didn’t mind about the color or the brand, he focused on shoes that have the lowest price. “Wow,” he picked up a pair of sandals, “I like this, hyung!”
“Baby, you need to get something warm for winter,” Seokjin pouted, knowing well the main reason Taehyung picked the sandals, “It doesn’t matter what price it is, pick something you’re comfortable wearing, mm?”
Taehyung returned the sandals and walked to the adjacent shelf, his thoughts wandering at the sight of the winter boots available. Seokjin stood beside him, helping Taehyung by recommending a few pairs for him to try. Taehyung would get a little flustered when Seokjin knelt down and tried on the shoes, smiling as they fit nicely on Taehyung’s feet. “So, do you like it?”
“Hyung, it’s… expensive… it has many zeroes!”
“Don’t worry about the price, I received a good bonus check so I could buy you anything you want.”
Taehyung pouted, and eventually nodded. “Okay, thank you, hyung.”
“It’s my pleasure, baby.” Seokjin stood up and kissed his lips, “Come, let’s pay for this!”
The line to the cashier was fairly long, and Seokjin started to feel hungry. He looked by the glass wall outside and saw a vendor selling freshly-cooked street food to passerby and tourists. He estimated that the line was long enough for him to quickly buy a snack for them to share and return before Taehyung would reach the counter.
“Baby, listen to me,” Seokjin tapped Taehyung’s shoulder, “Do you see that small store? I’ll go over there and buy a quick snack then I’ll run back here, is it okay?”
Taehyung was hesitant, but looking at how hungry Seokjin looked, he nodded. “Okay, hyung. You go eat first.”
“I’ll be back before you reach the cashier. But, just in case, here,” Seokjin gave Taehyung a few bills, “Remember, you will get 4,000 won as change, baby. Give this to the lady in front, then she will give you your shoes and four 1,000 won bills, do you understand?”
“Yes! It’s math!” Taehyung grinned widely. After kissing his forehead, Seokjin put his hoodie back on then ran outside. Seeing the amount of people buying street food, he realized it might take him a while to return to Taehyung. Yet, he was confident that Taehyung understood what he had ordered him to do.
With each passing minute, Taehyung grew more and more anxious. “What… what was hyung wearing again?” he looked around, whining when the older man behind him shouted that he needed to walk forward. “YAH! YOU GO MOVE!”
“But… hyung might not see me here…”
“IF YOU DO NOT MOVE, WE’LL DO IT,” a few shoppers took advantage of the big gap in between Taehyung and the person supposedly in front of him, thus cutting the line. Taehyung froze into place, raking his mind rather harshly trying to remember what Seokjin’s clothes were, where he went to… and what he’d looked like.
“HYUNG?” he took out his phone, sighing in relief when he saw Seokjin’s face in his wallpaper. “Big eyes… thick lips… where is hyung…” dropping the shoe box to the ground, Taehyung ran outside the store in panic, “HYUNG! WHERE ARE YOU?”
The sight of different people of varied sizes and races jumbled his brain even more. He kept on looking at his phone and screaming Seokjin’s name as he treaded the crowded area. “HYUNG… HYUNG!” he cried out loud, hoping his voice was loud enough to be heard. Taehyung didn’t know which direction he was going to, until he remembered to call his hyung through his phone.
Unfortunately, Seokjin’s phone battery had died down, which made him even more petrified. “HYUUUUNG!” he was getting more and more anxious that his vision began to spin, his breathing staggered, and cold sweat giving him more chills. He fell to the concrete ground, covering his head with his arms because he was afraid people would stomp on him. Taehyung couldn’t feel his knees, he couldn’t stand up. He felt hopeless and desperate, and the only thing he could do at that moment was keeping on crying Seokjin’s name.
Taehyung might have dozed off, because the next time he opened his eyes, he was lying on Seokjin’s lap and he felt warmth from a nearby air heater. Seokjin, with his tearstained face, was leaning against the wall, fast asleep. Getting up slowly, Taehyung looked around, wondering where they were. His questions were soon answered when he saw a police officer walking towards them.
“Are you… going to put me in jail?” Taehyung looked at the officer with confused eyes, “I’m sorry…”
The officer looked surprised at what Taehyung said. “No, I just want to offer you either coffee or tea. You want anything? We can buy you some food if you’re hungry.”
“Where are we?”
“Ah, you only woke up now huh…” the officer explained what had happened. Seokjin returned to the store as quickly as he could, but he couldn’t find Taehyung inside the shoe store. Seokjin also noticed that Taehyung dropped his shoe box so prior to searching for him, he bought the boots and dashed right outside. Seokjin searched for the entire afternoon, but as it grew dark, he decided to seek help from the police.
Taehyung couldn’t help but cry, he felt bad for not following what his hyung had told him. “I’m sorry,” he weeped softly, but the officer didn’t mind; he was informed by Seokjin that Taehyung had difficulty in learning and memorizing.
Seokjin groaned softly, opening his swollen eyes as he woke up. Seeing Taehyung alive and well, Seokjin trapped the younger in his arms. “I thought I lost you,” he whispered, a tear falling off his right eye, “I’m sorry for leaving you alone, baby… it’s all my fault.”
“No, it’s my fault because… because I’m dumb, hyung,” Taehyung looked down, crying on his hyung’s shoulder, “I’m sorry for being dumb…”
They were left alone to patch things up, a female officer only returning to give them warm drinks and a sandwich. “It’s late outside, we can escort you home,” she looked at Taehyung with reassurance, “Rest well, understood?”
“Yes, ma’am… thank you for helping us,” wiping his tears away, Seokjin bowed down, and Taehyung followed suit. The police offered a ride back to their apartment, and upon arriving back home, Taehyung held Seokjin close, kissing his cold, dry lips.
“I’ll go wherever you are going, hyung,” Taehyung whispered in between kisses.
“We’ll always be together, never apart.”
Seokjin kissed back, wanting the same thing. Yet, with both of them being young adults, he could already feel the burden of Taehyung being heavily dependent on him. He understood that Taehyung was different from most of the society they’re in, but he hoped, a tiny sliver of break from all of this.
All his life he’d been there for Taehyung. Even just for a moment, he wanted to be there for himself too.
Seokjin was 25.
Taehyung was 22.
It was a warm summer evening. The two decided to spend the night in another hotel, thanks to Seokjin’s recent salary raise. He’d gone from being a supermarket staff to a delivery truck driver; having a driver’s license truly made Taehyung impressed. Seokjin always picked out the early morning or afternoon deliveries around the city or neighboring provinces so that he could come home at night to prepare dinner for the two of them.
There were times, just like this, that Seokjin had two days off so he could spend more quality time with his boyfriend in grand places such as this. He booked a room in a five-star hotel, which made Taehyung excited and guilty at the same time.
“Hyung, I told you, less zeroes is okay with me,” Taehyung frowned when Seokjin kissed his pout away, “This is beautiful, but also too expensive!”
“Let me spoil you sometimes, baby,” Seokjin helped Taehyung put his bath robe back on, “Come, let’s go to the balcony, mm?”
“Eh… are we going to have sex outside?” Taehyung blinked, noting that they would be wearing nothing but robes to the balcony. “Yah, no! We just finished two rounds, baby,” Seokjin chuckled, then dragged Taehyung with him outside, “Let’s take a break, then we can do it again later.”
Taehyung couldn’t hide his flustered face. They’ve been making love for almost three years already that he was certain he’s getting better each time. The two of them tried different positions, objects, and techniques to enhance the experience; Taehyung’s personal favorite was riding Seokjin and using vibrators in his sensitive areas. He also learned that Seokjin prefers doggy style and tying Taehyung on the bed.
Aside from their physical relationship, they also grew closer to each other, if it was even possible. Taehyung took time to learn more chores, especially cooking, so that he could prepare dinner since being a driver was even more exhausting for Seokjin. He also opened the possibility of him finding a job too, but Seokjin was adamant on saving enough money so that Taehyung could go to college.
The idea of going back to school was scary to Taehyung, but he couldn’t say that to Seokjin. He knew Seokjin wanted to at least try going to college and earn a degree in order to find a better-paying job, but tuition for the two of them was just too expensive for them to afford on top of their living expenses. One night, Taehyung expressed interest in taking up an art degree, and Seokjin was more than supportive of his boyfriend’s dreams.
“Do you want to be an architect, baby?”
“I don’t know, maybe?” Taehyung looked at Seokjin, his pout more apparent than earlier, “Can you really… get me to study college? How about you?”
“I’m a pro truck driver, it’s always been my dream to drive big trucks like that,” Seokjin laughed, trapping the younger in his embrace.
“Besides, if we save up enough money, who knows, we can get our own car mm?”
Taehyung showed a boxy grin, leaning against Seokjin’s broad shoulder. “Do you have anything else that you want, hyung?”
Seokjin felt his heart race at Taehyung’s question. Anything else, huh…
“Baby, do you remember those movies we watch at home? Where… two people fall in love then they eventually marry?”
“Yeah, we always cry when it has a good ending,” Taehyung smiled at the memory, “It looks really fancy though, with those cool suits and dresses, and the food, and the rings…”
“I want to marry you, Taehyung.”
Taehyung fell silent when Seokjin cut him off. He blinked rapidly, not believing what he just heard.
“Hyung… what did you say?”
He turned around, seeing his beloved hyung looking more flustered than he had seen before. Taehyung smiled meekly, giving Seokjin assurance to repeat what he just said.
“Taehyung, I… I want to marry you,” he said once again, albeit stammering in nature. Taehyung giggled and kissed Seokjin’s cheek. “Okay… you want to marry me, right? Because I want to marry you too, hyung,” Taehyung confessed, not minding his syllables getting jumbled up. He felt he was about to cry, almost the same as the actresses on the movies during the proposal scenes, and let his tears flow when Seokjin, all clad in nothing but a simple bath robe, got down on one knee, his clammy hands intertwined with Taehyung’s.
“Then, let’s make it official, even if the law is against it, even if the whole world doesn’t want this to happen,” Seokjin looked up at Taehyung, “I… I don’t have the ring right now, but once I get my next salary, I’ll give you the prettiest ring in the world, to show how much I love you… and I want to spend the rest of my days with you…”
“I don’t need a ring, hyung, I only need you in my life,” Taehyung cried, pulling Seokjin up with his arms, “I may not understand as much as you do, but one thing I know is that… you’re working too hard so that we could have a good life together. Hyung, thank you for loving and taking care of me… I love you so so much…”
Seokjin leaned closer and kissed his lips, ending with a soft chuckle. “It already feels like we’re married today, mm?”
“Yeah, I don’t really care for fancy stuff at all. I’m okay with what we have,” Taehyung leaned in as Seokjin wiped his tears away, “We don’t really have much, but with you… it’s like a small slice of heaven…”
“A slice of heaven, huh…” Seokjin kissed Taehyung once again, “I like that. Is it okay though, that we don’t have a grand ceremony?”
Taehyung nodded, looking around the balcony of their hotel room. “We save up money so that we could stay in a good hotel at least once a month. You’re really good at finding sales around the city so that we could have new things every now and then. Also, you’re the best cook I know! I’m really okay with what we have. With you, I am content.”
He pulled Seokjin to a large bear hug, seeming like he’s not letting go anytime soon. Seokjin embraced him back, watching the night sky surrounding the two of them.
“I want to give you the best,” he whispered; albeit Taehyung being content with what they both have, he still wanted to give more, to give Taehyung the best. After all, he already started to save up for them to move in a bigger house just outside of the city, so that Taehyung would have an easier time to go outside without the fear of being lost in a crowd. Seokjin had also finished saving up for that ring he found in a Pandora store on his way to work; he’s only waiting for a big sale to happen so that he could buy it.
The future looks so vast, and uncertain, but Seokjin only had thing in his mind: to make Taehyung happy.
“Hyung, can you say no to your boss?” Taehyung pulled Seokjin’s arm as the latter tried to get out of the door. “Baby, I’ll be fine,” Seokjin smiled, “It’s just a little rain. I will be back tonight, okay?”
“But the TV said it’s a big storm! Please, don’t go,” Taehyung whined loudly enough to be heard by their neighbors. He was a faithful watcher of the news ever since he found out that too much rain caused their ceilings to leak. It’s also leaking at the time, so Seokjin set up empty basins and pails to catch the dripping rain water inside their apartment. “Taehyung,” Seokjin sighed in exasperation. With Taehyung being this stubborn, he’s already getting late for work.
Taehyung kept on pulling at Seokjin, but the older was just tad too stronger. “I promise to drive carefully, so that you don’t have to worry too much, mm?”
Taehyung’s eyebrows are still furrowed, not believing Seokjin right away. He pleaded again and again, even offering to clean the entire apartment by himself just so Seokjin won’t go.
“Tae, please…” Seokjin held Taehyung’s hands, “I know you’re worried about the weather, but I’ll take extra caution while driving, I promise, and deliver the goods safely. I will be back tonight and we can have any food you want for dinner. Please let me go to work.”
Taehyung inhaled deeply and wrapped Seokjin in his arms, hugging him tightly. “Once you arrive there, and when you’re about to go back, call me, hyung.”
“I will,” Seokjin kissed Taehyung’s hair, smiling softly, “I also have a gift to you when I return, so wait for me, okay? There’s leftovers in the fridge, so just heat them up. When the pails are full, empty them inside the bathroom and don’t forget to throw our the garbage once the rain stops, got it?”
“Okay okaaay, you’ve told me that a lot of times already!” Taehyung pouted as Seokjin attacked his face with kisses, “If I do a good job, will we have sex tonight?”
Seokjin laughed in a melodious tone, then winked at Taehyung. “Of course, baby. See you later, mm?”
“Take care, hyung!” Taehyung waved goodbye. He only returned inside once Seokjin’s wide shoulders were away from his sight.
Since Seokjin typed out the instructions on Taehyung’s phone, Taehyung diligently finished all of his assigned chores then started to clean up. Humming along to an English love song playing on the TV, Taehyung couldn’t help but swim back and forth to two polarizing emotions: excitement over Seokjin’s arrival, and worry over Seokjin’s travel. Seokjin told him he’d be delivering a cargo of food to a town by the mountains, and from the shows he had watched, driving to the mountains when it’s rainy could be dangerous.
He left a short message to Seokjin, hoping he would be able to read it in a couple hours. Taehyung then prepared a lunch for himself then spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV and checking the pails every now and then.
Evening arrived, Taehyung jumped excitedly when Seokjin called him.
“Hi, baby. I just finished delivery, I’ll be home a little late, okay?”
“What took you long?” Taehyung whined, pouting so much that Seokjin could hear it from his location.
“I took a stopover until the clouds cleared up a bit. Don’t worry, it’s not raining too much, so I can drive smoothly later.”
“Did you eat?”
“Yeah, I packed lunch and a sandwich. Do you miss me already?”
Taehyung nodded, whimpering on the phone as a reply. “It’s still raining hard here, hyung.”
Seokjin took a cute sigh. “You’re still calling me ‘hyung’, baby. We’re already married, remember? You can call me Seokjin, or… Jin…”
Taehyung’s face heated up. “Is… is it okay? Doesn’t it sound disrespectful?”
“No, I would like it if my husband calls me by my name.”
“Hyung!” Taehyung, all flustered, whimpered loudly again, “You called me your husband!”
“It is true, baby. I’m devoted to you and nobody else,” Seokjin whispered on the phone, “I can’t wait to go home, baby. I mean… my husband…”
“Please go home carefully… my… my husband Seokjin,” Taehyung stammered, squeaking as he tried to call Seokjin by his name, “If you want, I can buy takeout food for us so that we don’t have to cook later.”
“You okay going outside by yourself, baby? It’s already dark, I can buy takeout for us.”
“I can do it, I only have to cross the road, right?” Taehyung peered through their tiny window, finding the convenience store across their apartment, “I’m already a grown-up, hyung— I mean, Seokjin.”
Seokjin chuckled softly. “Okay, I’ll eat whatever you buy for me. I have to go now, mm? Gotta drive before my boss closes down the factory. Love you!”
“I love you too,” Taehyung gushed, “I’ll wait for you to come back.”
But, Seokjin didn’t come back that evening.
With the food Taehyung bought had grown cold, and Taehyung sleeping with his face on the table, he didn’t realize that it was already morning. Sitting up straight, he looked around, thinking Seokjin might’ve returned when he fell asleep.
“Hyung? Seokjin?” he peeked inside the bathroom, “Where are you?”
Thinking Seokjin got out to buy supplies, Taehyung got his phone and tried to call him.
It was only ringing, but nobody answered.
He also noticed that Seokjin’s work shoes weren’t in their shoe cabinet, Seokjin’s clothes weren’t in the hamper, and Seokjin’s work bag wasn’t on his desk. Taehyung grew anxious as he realized that Seokjin didn’t come home yet. It was already 10 in the morning, he could’ve arrived a few hours ago, given the weather condition.
A big lump formed in his throat, and Taehyung found himself shivering in his seat. “Where is he,” he shakily asked himself, “Where is my hyung?”
He didn’t know much about Seokjin’s employer, but his hyung diligently put his employer’s phone number in his phone in case of emergencies. Just like what’s happening right now. Taehyung hasn’t even met Seokjin’s co-workers, let alone the person who hired him. He had to do something, though, as clock is ticking fast. Taehyung was about to tap “call” when his phone rang.
It was Seokjin’s employer. “Hello, is this Taehyung-ssi?”
“Ye… Yes, sir,” Taehyung stammered, “Is this hyung’s boss?”
“Yes… I’m sorry to tell you this… but… Seokjin-ssi…”
The next few words pierced through Taehyung’s heart like an array of bullets. Taehyung’s knees felt weak, he collapsed to the floor as he shakily retrieved his dropped phone. “Where is hyung?” he cried loudly, “Is my hyung still alive?”
“He’s still breathing, but the accident was just too…” Taehyung blinked through the tears while the employer described the incident. Seokjin was carefully driving downhill along the zigzagged road when he didn’t notice a vehicle from the other lane about to counterflow. He lost control of the heavy truck and he slid down the ravine. The bad weather made it difficult for him to be rescued, and he already lost a blood once he was rushed to the hospital.
Taehyung could feel his head spinning, his whole world crashing down. He tried to open his mouth, attempting to utter any word, but the shock left him speechless. Seokjin’s employer tried to get his attention back on track by shouting on the phone.
“Taehyung-ssi! Please respond!”
Taehyung only managed to let out a choked sob and a slurry “Hyung”.
“My son and I will pick you up from your apartment, we’ll go to the hospital right away.”
Then the line went dead. Taehyung didn’t know what else to do but to cry.
After a while, he heard loud knock on the door, and a deep voiced “Taehyung-ssi?” on the other side of the door. Taehyung reluctantly got up and opened it, face to face with two older men he never saw in his life before.
“Hello, I’m Seokjin-ssi’s employer and here’s my son, Namjoon. Can we go inside?”
“Where is my hyung?” Taehyung cried again, his entire body frozen as he felt helpless. Namjoon’s expression was soft, asking his father to leave the two of them alone.
“Seokjin-hyung told me all about you, come here…” Namjoon reached out an arm, “Let’s go to him, and hope he’s feeling better.”
Taehyung-ah, don’t talk to strangers.
“Who… are you?”
“I’m Kim Namjoon, I study special education in university,” Namjoon showed a dimpled smile, “Can we be friends?”
Taehyung looked down and shook his head. “Where is hyung?”
“We’ll go there right now, actually. Do you want to see him?”
“Are you going to hurt me?” Taehyung looked at Namjoon, and Namjoon couldn’t hide his pained expression.
Seokjin’s right. Taehyung sure is a lot of work.
“No, we’re going to go inside my car and I’ll drive you to the hospital. You will meet your hyung there, okay?”
“If I get hurt… hyung will catch you and hurt you too!” Taehyung tried to sound threatening, but his eyes widened when Namjoon nodded in agreement. “That’s a deal. So, shall we go?”
Taehyung was only wearing a sweater and a pair of sweatpants. He wore the first pair of slippers he found then followed Namjoon to his car. “Are you hungry? We can go to the nearest Mom’s Touch first.”
Taehyung refused, as much as he wanted to have something warm at the time he couldn’t feel anything but cold.
The moment Taehyung stepped inside the hospital, he felt small at the size of its lobby. Everything looked new to him, and the white-clad workers scared him a little. He had been in and out of the hospital as a child, the social workers who took care of him explained that the doctors are checking on the effects of… a certain disorder he couldn’t remember.
Alcohol… syndrome… fetal?
All Taehyung knew about it - and about his mother - was that she drank a lot during her pregnancy. Taehyung wondered from time to time that it could be the reason he was born “dumb”, and he thus learned that alcohol is not good for the body.
He kept on following Namjoon and his father, having no idea which room is what. Namjoon then approached him, trying to mask worry away with a soft smile.
“Let’s go to your hyung.”
Taehyung was led to a room with even whiter than white walls and flooring. Namjoon helped putting the hospital gown and hairnet on Taehyung then they entered another hallway with glass walls. Taehyung anxiously looked from side to side and saw patients lying on the bed, hooked on different machines. He bit his lower lip nervously, what if Seokjin looked like that as well?
He stopped his tracks when he found Seokjin in one room. “Hyung!” he called against the glass wall, “HYUNG! IT’S ME! TAEHYUNG! WAKE UP!”
“Taehyung-ssi, calm down…”
“NO, HYUNG WAKE UP!” Namjoon wrapped his arms around Taehyung, who was being hysterical. Taehyung couldn’t believe his eyes, his beautiful hyung covered in wounds and bruises, his face mauled by the impact of the fall. He looked at the moving lines inside the room, he didn’t know what those are for, and it made him even more frustrated than ever. “HYUUUUNG!”
It took a couple days to calm Taehyung down.
Aside from Namjoon, he had no one to go to, let alone talk with. Taehyung only went home to shower then he would spend the entire day in the hospital. Namjoon’s father decided to move Seokjin to a hospital near to Taehyung’s apartment so that Taehyung could only walk to get there without getting lost.
However, with Taehyung finding calm comes another source of stress.
As much as Namjoon’s family wanted to help with the mounting bills, they only earn enough for their household. Taehyung found Seokjin’s hidden stash of cash and used it all up to pay for the medicines, tests, and the various stuff the hospital does to keep Seokjin alive. A week after the accident and there were no signs that Seokjin would wake up soon.
Taehyung never worked a day in his life before; he’s regretting it now that his primary breadwinner is in comatose. He didn’t know which job to take, and he didn’t know what skills he actually had. Still bearing doubts on Namjoon, Taehyung tried to find a job on his own, starting at the time he left the hospital to freshen up at home.
“Hi, cutie, you look lost.”
Taehyung tried to ignore a young woman following him. “Who are you?”
“I’m your friend,” she replied with a sweet smile, “I notice you go in and out of the hospital everyday. Visiting a loved one?”
Taehyung nodded, stopping so he could turn around. The young woman was probably in her early 20s, just like him, wearing a down coat paired with heeled boots. “It’s… my hyung, he got in an accident last week,” Taehyung pursed his lips, “And… I’m looking for… any job because his bills are too expensive.”
“Oh, I know a perfect job for you? Are you… perhaps a virgin?”
Taehyung’s cheeks redden at the question, but being intimate with Seokjin was one of the highlights of his life.
“No, I’m not.”
“Are you gay?”
“I guess, yeah,” Taehyung feels himself getting flustered. She flashed another sweet smile, then held his wrist. “Come, follow me, I know a perfect job for you. And it pays a lot, especially for a cutie like you!”
“Really? I can pay my hyung’s bills if I get that job?”
“Yes, of course. Just follow what I’m going to say, mm?”
It has been three long months.
Seokjin just turned 25.
Taehyung was about to turn 23.
It’s Christmas Eve, Taehyung was busy packing his bag before going to his job. He made sure his makeup wasn’t too flashy to turn judgemental eyes when he visits Seokjin, deciding to add more layers when he goes to the strip club. Carrying an envelop full of cash, Taehyung left the apartment, wearing a mask to hide himself - mostly his shame.
Taehyung didn’t deny that being a prostitute paid a lot, he was even amazed that old, rich men had a lot of money to splurge on for the sake of sex. Starting out as shy, almost too nervous to do the deed with anyone, Taehyung stepped up since the money was too important. Seokjin hasn’t woken up yet, but his vital signs were improving.
The hope that one day Seokjin wakes up kept Taehyung determined. For now, he’d let other men defile him because once Seokjin gets better, Taehyung will once again dedicate his entire body and soul to his hyung.
His beloved husband.
Seokjin was admitted to a cheaper private room, yet machines and various medicines were still hooked to him. Taehyung kept his job a secret to Namjoon, whom he still doesn’t trust as much as a friend, but trusted enough to be told that he’s doing well getting funds for Seokjin’s bills.
Namjoon didn’t pry too much either. He was in his final year in university so he had to focus on his research.
Nights in the club dragged longer than the days in the hospital. Taehyung got accustomed to the smell of cigarettes and possibly, other drugs, whenever a man or a group of men pick him up to have fun for the rest of the night. He also learned to drink alcohol; apparently, alcohol was effective to drown the nervousness away.
Taehyung transformed from a shy, innocent boy to one of the club’s most popular performers in a matter of months.
There were even moments that Taehyung would completely enjoy the sex and forget the very reason he was in there in the first place.
Reaching his goal of having no more remaining balance, Taehyung happily placed his payment at the cashier. From here on out, he would only pay the succeeding billings, it made him overjoyed that he decided to take a week off from his job, as he still had a few hundred thousand won to spare.
As soon as he got the receipt, Taehyung met face to face with Seokjin’s attending doctor, her face all mixed up with emotions.
“Dr. Kang, good afternoon.”
“Good afternoon too, Taehyung-ssi. Seokjin-ssi is…”
Taehyung slowly walked home, given up on finding Seokjin along the busy shopping district. “He’s already a grown-up, he should know how to go home by himself!” he pouted angrily, ready to give Seokjin an earful once they meet.
He unlocked the front door, turned on the lights, and with a deep sigh, looked at Seokjin’s direction.
“You’re unfair, you know how I hate it when you leave me alone,” sitting across Seokjin, Taehyung faced him with furrowed eyebrows, “Why didn’t you tell me you already left?”
“Answer me, fucking hell, Seokjin… WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!”
He wished he was talking to a breathing, laughing Seokjin, but instead he was faced with a grey ceramic urn, resting on their dining table beside a small frame containing Seokjin’s photo and a wilted white lily. Taehyung rested his elbows against on the table and covered his crying face with his palms.
“I did all that I can to save you… it wasn’t enough… why… why am I never enough for you?” he cried louder, not minding if anyone else heard him. It’s close to a month since Seokjin passed, he simply stopped breathing when the injuries he sustained were far too much for his body. Namjoon reached out to help with the funeral, but instead of accepting any assistance, Taehyung chose to do everything by himself.
Up to this day, he blamed himself for what happened to his hyung.
“You’re not supposed to die yet, we still have a lot of things to do…” Taehyung’s eyes locked at the black velvet box beside the urn. It contained the engagement ring Seokjin was about to give Taehyung on the night of the accident. It was supposed to be Seokjin’s surprise; but it never materialized.
Taehyung never opened the box, until today. He was brave enough to know the contents of the box, since he believed that Seokjin did work hard to get this for him. Choking back a sob, Taehyung admired the silver ring, with a diamond less than a carat adorning it. He wore it to his left ring finger, sobs only became louder as it was a perfect fit.
“He knew,” Taehyung laughed to himself, “He knew my size…”
The memories of Seokjin’s cremation remained in his mind, more than any other important things in his life. Seeing Seokjin for the last time before he was sent to the furnace, Taehyung never, even for once in his life, thought of Seokjin less than beautiful, even in his eternal rest.
He watched from the door, the furnace reaching a thousand degrees to incinerate his beautiful, flawless body, those broad shoulders he had always leaned on, the chest that became his favorite pillow, those plump lips reaching Taehyung’s whenever they kiss, those arms that shielded all the bad things in his life. His beloved hyung that was once always ready to welcome him with open arms, now slowly being reduced to ashes.
Taehyung was the only one in attendance for Seokjin’s funeral, avoiding any calls from the social workers and other people as he wanted to be alone with Seokjin. For him, nobody else matters, only Seokjin.
So, with Seokjin gone, what is left for him?
“Fire… thousand degrees…” Taehyung stood up and opened a kitchen cabinet. With a heavy sigh, he disconnected the cooking gas line from their stove, the smell of LPG gas evident inside the apartment in a matter of minutes.
“Everywhere hyung is… I will follow… even if… I go through fire…” he carried Seokjin’s urn in his arms and the photo frame. Snuggling the diamond ring one more time, he smiled to himself. He looked around the apartment — their apartment, realizing that there wasn’t any amount of regret or remorse in what he’s about to do.
“I’m always brave for hyung… my Seokjin-hyung…” the idea of getting burned still scared him, there’s no doubt, however his fears melt away when he looked at the printed photo of Seokjin. It was a younger Seokjin, he was 20 years old at the time, he was asked to submit a 3R-sized photo for a modelling agency. Taehyung didn’t know if Seokjin got the gig or not, but even if Seokjin did, he didn’t push for it.
The fumes of the cooking gas slowly made Taehyung dizzy. His free hand gripped on the lighter, knowing in a minute or two he’s about to pass out. He may have borrowed the idea from a news article he watched on the news the other day, how quickly gas fumes explode that you wouldn’t feel any pain at all. Losing Seokjin was purely pain on its own, and Taehyung wanted to end things as quickly as possible.
He had no family to run to, which he was the most thankful for. He’s grateful not to have known who his parents are, that Seokjin never knew who his parents were, because life shouldn’t be as complicated as having a lot of ties in the family. It’s just more drama and problems that are different from what you have at your own home. People often looked at orphans as miserable children, devoid of love and affection from their parents.
For Taehyung, however, he never felt whatever that void was. From the moment he’s aware that he’s alive, one person constantly loved him: Seokjin.
“I love you, Seokjin, my dearest hyung… let’s meet…” Taehyung closed his eyes, his lips curved to a smile. Hugging the urn tighter, he lit the lighter, only seeing a white flash once before everything slowly turned into black.
“Jin-ah! How did you make Tae-yah stop from crying?”
Seokjin, 5, looked at Taehyung, 2, nuzzled against his arm. Seokjin only smiled and replied to the social worker:
“I told Tae-yah that I’m going to love him as long as I live, and he shouldn’t worry because I’m always with him”