Chapter Text
Hey guys!
Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately. It’s just that, like I briefly mentioned last time, I had to move from Yunmeng to Yiling on occasion of my dear “mom” kicking me out. My sister got married and my brother moved far af because of university so madam purple spider (that tattoo still gives me the creeps lmao) kindly hinted (outright yelled) that I was no longer welcome in her house so, yeah. Been busy.
I’m here to tell you guys about how things have changed and to be honest, they have changed so much that I guess half of y’all are not gonna believe a word of what I’m about to tell you. It all sounds like fanfiction and honestly, I wouldn’t believe it myself if I read this shit on reddit or somewhere like that but it’s true. Maybe you won’t believe me but there ain’t a thing I can do to change that, right? So yeah, here we go. Buckle up because it’s gonna be a long and wild ride.
I crashed at my dear friend Wen Qing’s for a few nights while I looked up places to rent and as you might know, Yiling’s rent is usually an arm and a leg so I posted online looking for a roommate and happened to find this dude. Apparently, his brother was getting married to his two best friends (??) and so he had to move out. Anyways, we meet up and wow. I cannot even describe this dude for you, he’s just wow. He’s slightly taller than me but he’s got this perfect posture. Even when he’s just lounging at home on the weekends, he still looks very much put together (with one exception but Imma get to that in a minute!!). He has baby skin, long hands and his eyes are the kind of honey coloured that looks golden depending on the light. I could spend ages waxing poetics about his looks.
So we checked out the apartment, everything looked pretty great. He asked the landlord if the bedrooms had keys and I thought it was weird at first but then the guy handed him the keys, he got one for the bedroom I had chosen and handed it to me. I must’ve looked pretty confused because he just said “in case it helps Wei Ying feel safer because I am a stranger”. I never thought he would cause me any harm but… it was sweet. The thought behind it was sweet. There was an extra room, smaller than the others and we agreed to turn it into a little office because we both got tons of books and he asked me if I minded if he kept his bunnies there?? These two cute balls of fluff that make his ears go red, so so sweet! So yeah, we got an office and bunnies.
Our bedtimes and rising times are different and there were a few food hiccups at first because I like my stuff extra spicy and he liked it bland but we figured it out eventually. We learned to make two portions and season them as we prefer afterwards. He makes breakfast every day. I make dinner. He likes my mantous. I like his congee. He doesn’t mind that I forget to put away some clothes, books and other stuff sometimes. I don’t mind that sometimes he practices the guqin after we get home from work.
But here’s where shit starts getting unbelievable, guys.
I had had a shit week at work so I got home exhausted and it was one of the few times I just crashed early in the evening. It must’ve been around half past one, almost two, I heard something weird in the living room. We had been living together for… two months? Anyways, I walked into the living room to find him on the couch, kinda disheveled, his eyes were wet and he was staring at the balcony. When he noticed me there, he asked if he had woken me and apologized but I told him it was fine and just sat by him because I could tell something was wrong. He’s usually a quiet guy, he only ever says what’s necessary so it felt wrong to push him and ask him what was going on? So I just sat there.
Then he spoke. He told me it was his mom’s death anniversary and he couldn’t sleep. I felt sorry and didn’t know what to say so I just let him take a breather and go on. He told me she didn’t have a good relationship with his dad’s family but she was still so kind to him and his brother, they lost her when he was very young but he could still remember her. He was scared of forgetting her smile. He said he remembered she was tall like him and her eyes were the same color as his. That she told him it was important to study but also enjoy the tiny pieces of joy life offered to us every once in a while. She gave him his first bunny and told his dad it was to teach him responsibility but confessed to him it was because they were damn cute like he was.
I just listened. He didn’t flourish his speech but I was in awe because his words were wrapped in honesty and vulnerability. That moment felt so precious.
He fell asleep leaning towards me, his face hidden on my neck. I watched him sleep. Felt his breath. And the only thing I could think of was “FUCK. I’m fucked. I caught feelings. Yikes. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”. He woke up around forty minutes later and apologized like his falling asleep on me like that could ever be an inconvenience. And it got much worse than it had already been because he got up and extended his hand. And I took it. And we walked to his bedroom, we lied on his bed side by side and fell asleep like that. Silently, though my mind was screaming for me to be careful because I was stepping into dangerous waters.
It 's true. I was. I did. And lord knows I don’t know what to do about it.
He holds my hands in the morning and kisses my knuckles. He caught me shivering a couple of days after he told me about his mom and he asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t stop myself, I just told him how scared I was. Like an idiot, I just spilled the beans. I just told him that I had also lost my family, that I had been adopted but my foster mom hated my guts and I hadn’t seen my foster siblings in so long, I felt so lost and without a family again and he was making me trust someone and hoping that I could be accepted and appreciated and god, it was so scary. He just listened. He kissed my forehead. He made me breakfast. He thanked me for sharing my feelings with him. He said I was brave.
He smells my hair every day. He kisses my hands and my forehead often. A few times he kissed my lips. He told me I can join him in bed and sleep by his side whenever I wish. He told me we don’t have to do anything I don’t want to and we can move at whatever pace makes me feel more at peace. Shit. I’m in love with him. But can I have that? Do I deserve that? Do I get to be loved? Truly loved and not kicked away, abandoned, left alone to pick up the scraps again and again?
I want to. He makes me want to be loved. He makes me want to be accepted. He sees right through my fake self-confidence, he hears things when I speak that go beyond the usual mindless stuff I’m used to saying. He picks up on my moods. He tried spicy food and he hid his disgust and I laughed really hard and he just… smiled. One of his tiny smiles. Oh, I didn’t mention this, right? He’s usually very frugal about his smiles but I noticed he’s generous with me. I feel so lucky that I get to have this. He makes me greedy for more.
I know y’all will think that I’m tripping, that I’m making half of this shit up. And those who believe me, y’all might be thinking “dude, don’t be fucking stupid, just go for it” and I want you guys to be right so much. I’m going to try. Next time he kisses my hands, I’m gonna kiss his right back. Next time he smells my hair, I’m going to run my fingers through his. And if he kisses my lips once again, I will hold him as strong as I can so he can’t break away.
Just you wait, Lan Zhan. Just you wait.