Chapter Text
It was a strange thing. To stand at his own bedside while simultaneously laying in the aforementioned bed. So strange that the Captain found it quite impossible to tear his gaze away. He- or at least the version of him in the bed- looked quite peaceful, the lines of his face softened by rest.
He knew he was dead of course.
Other than the fact that he was standing quite apart from his body, he could see the way his chest failed to rise and fall, the way his hands that had been resting over his belly were quite slack around the swagger stick, and the way his skin was a pale, ashy grey.
The Captain wondered if perhaps he should be more distraught- he’d only lay down for a moment shutting his eyes and hoping that the stabbing pains he felt up his back all day would abate before supper- but instead he felt quite bereft of any emotion.
“Oh, see Mary! I just knew he would stay!”
“Ah yes, yous was right Miss Kitty.”
The Captain turned, finally finding himself able to look away from his own waxy figure to instead see two women who had been stood behind him for lord knows how long. One was a dark-skinned woman in a fancy, although terribly old fashioned, burgundy dress who was grinning and waving at him bashfully. The other was dressed far more simply, in yellows and blues which seemed to be covered in soot. Both seemed utterly out of time, which only further cemented that the Captain was indeed dead.
The Captain cleared his throat, mustering himself to stand up straight, clasping his hands behind his back, “I- You had better explain to me what’s going on this instant!”
The two women exchanged glances before turning back to him and the fancy one- Kitty, which must surely be short for Katherine- said, “Well… You’re dead.”
It was one thing to know he was dead, but to hear is said aloud made the Captain grimace, “I am well aware of that. I demand to know why I’m stuck here,” The two ladies started to open their mouths before he continued on, “And furthermore, who the bally hell are you two?”
“How terribly rude of us! All my friends call me Kitty, and I just know that we’re going to be the best of friends!” Kitty bobbed a curtsy, gigging as she did so.
“And I be Mary. And I’m afraids you’re stuck heres with the rests of us.” The Captain winced at the butchering of the English language but decided against commenting on it for the moment- best to gather as much information as possible before charging into battle.
Hands white-knuckled around the swagger stick, the Captain asked, “There are more of you? How many?”
And before he could ask another question, Kitty squealed, “Oh, I’ll go get them!” And rushed off through the door. The sight made the Captain’s stomach swoop, and his mind took a few moments to realise why.
Not through the doorway. Through the door.
He gathered he must have looked in some state of shock as the soot-covered woman- Mary- said, “You gets used to it quickly.” She seemed to pause to think for a moment, and the Captain was certain he could hear the faint sound of shouting somewhere off at the other end of the house, “I thought for sures you was going to get sucked off.”
For a second, the Captain’s heart seemed to stop beating in his chest- although he wasn’t even sure if it was beating to begin with- before his face flushed a brilliant red and he found himself coughing in embarrassment, “I’m quite certain I don’t know what you mean, and I would remind you to watch your tongue when speaking to your superiors!”
Mary didn’t seem to take too kindly to this, her docile face falling into a frown, “Yous not even been here for two shakes of a cows udder, yous can’t bes telling us whats we cans and can’t do!”
Shaking his head, the Captain, finally wondering what he was even doing, hanging around in a room with someone who was clearly crazy, strode towards the door, “I’ve had quite enough of this! I’m leaving.” Upon reaching the door, he grasped for the handle, feeling a jolt when his hand passed clean through both the handle and the door. Summoning up his courage, he walked through the door, emerging into the familiar hallway on the other side.
Behind him, he could hear Mary calling out, “You can’t leave! We be trapped here ‘til God sucks us off!”
With a grim determination, he grit his teeth and made for the exit.
"We’ll see about that."
---
Much to the Captain’s displeasure, he soon discovered that it was true- he really was trapped. Despite numerous attempts to exit the grounds of Button House at various different points, he found he was well and truly boxed in. The thought made him panic; he spent an unknown amount of time curled up under a tree near the main exit, desperately trying to suck air into his lungs, only to realise that he didn’t even need the air, which only made him panic more.
Eventually he came to the realisation that he would have to return to the house, or else live out his life- not life, death- alone in the small woods encasing the land. Even after coming to this realisation, he spent another chunk of time finding the strength to actually return; he had run away like a coward and now, he acknowledged, he would have to swallow some of his pride to allow himself to walk back to that place.
But, after quite some time, he felt brave- or perhaps just lonely- enough to venture out of the woods and up to the front door of Button House. Raising his fist to knock, he stopped himself just before his fist would have passed through the wood. Taking in a steadying breath, he stepped through the door into the foyer. Trepidatiously he looked around, half expecting to be attacked the moment he entered.
Walking towards the stairs, he could only notice the absolute silence that filled the house; not even his footsteps made a sound anymore. Creeping up the stairs, he found himself walking to his own room, feeling like some sort of spy, sneaking around behind enemy lines. He only hesitated for a split second before pushing through the door to find-
Nothing.
His bed had been stripped bare, the bedside table cleared of his few belongings, and his bags seemingly packed and shipped off. And of course, his body was nowhere to be found.
“How long have I been gone?” He mused out loud, approaching the bed.
“Oh, I’d say near abouts two weeks.”
The Captain leapt back from the bed, brandishing his swagger stick in front of him, “Who the hell said that? I demand you show yourself at once!”
“That’s a bit hard mate, I haven’t exactly got any legs. Actually, would you mind giving me a hand?”
The Captain stared incredulously at the bed, leaning close enough to swat at the mattress with his stick. Which of course passed straight through. “Who’s talking to me right now? Where are you?”
“Ah, I’m under the bed.”
Crouching down, his knees and back cracking as he did so, the Captain peered under the bed and found himself quite unable to contain an undignified yelp at what he saw.
It was a head. A completely severed head. And it was talking to him.
“Yeah, takes a bit of getting used to, I know. If you could just grab me, that’d be great. Don’t be shy.”
Before he could think about it for too much longer, the Captain scooted forward, extended his arm under the bed and grabbed the head, pulling it out into the light of the room. Now that it was out of the dark, he could see that it had a respectable face, with well groomed facial hair. A handsome head by all accounts.
Swallowing hard, the Captain stood, grimacing at the twinge of discomfort in his joints, “Were you… Under there the whole time?”
The head smiled, “Not while you were living in here, no. My stupid body dropped me when we all came in here to meet you. Someone must have caught me on their way out, because next thing I knew I was under the bed! I’m Humphrey by the way.”
“And how long ago did they clear… The room?” The Captain blinked hard to banish the thoughts of his body.
Humphrey twisted his mouth for a moment, as though in thought, “Well they carted you off the same day you died. And they took everything else the next day. Oh, and I think the others all left yesterday.”
The Captain blinked, staring down at the head in his hands, “You mean…”
“The other soldiers. I dunno why they left, but one bloke came in here and said a little farewell to you.”
Drawing in a steady breath, the Captain schooled his face, “Reassigned somewhere else I imagine. Probably made more sense to split them off into existing regiments than to find another captain to replace me here. Yes. Jolly good.”
For a slightly awkward amount of time, there was silence again. Just the Captain lost in thought in what used to be his bedroom, holding the head of some long dead man named Humphrey.
“Excuse me, uh, Captain,” Humphrey finally interrupted, clearing his throat, “Would you mind maybe finding my body? Or at least dropping me in a more exciting room?”
Shaking his head to rid any wishful thought, the Captain nodded, “Ah, yes. Of course. Do you know where you… Left your body?”
“Oh, he likes to wander. If you just bring me to the kitchen or something, I’m sure he’ll find me eventually. And if not, the kitchen’s usually fairly interesting anyway.”
“To the kitchen then.” And with only a brief backwards glance, the Captain left the room, striding with surer steps to the kitchen below.