Work Text:
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the lair
Not a creature was stirring, not even a were;
Baubles and gifts, splayed beneath the cedar,
Awaiting the dawn to bring joy their receiver;
And Liam and Theo nestled all snug in their bed,
While visions of PS5s danced in their heads;
Gadgets and mystery boxes, subscriptions and media;
Even Theo’s latest creation would soon be on Wikipedia;
When out on the lawn a clamorous cackling came,
Liam jolted awake, his fury already aflame;
Away to the window he sprang with a roar,
This intruder best leave or end up quite sore!
Streetlights flickering off the pristine snowy grass,
Bathed in a yellow glow that noisy jackass;
That former fanatic, that perpetual pest!
“Nolan, fuck off! We’re trying to rest;”
Theo laced languid limbs ‘round his lupine lover,
While a glowering golden glare he granted the other;
With a wink and a wave the boy did beckon,
“Let me in now or wake the neighbors I reckon.”
From saggy green slacks he bore a big silver bell;
Clingy, clangy! Ringy, rangy! – it was like Christmas hell!
Theo covered his ears and Liam bellowed a bleat,
As like clockwork lights flickered to life on their street;
On Adams! On Bakers! On Coopers! On Jameses!
Now Richmonds! Now Bradys! Now Portnoys! Now Simmonses!
Amid curses and shouts, Thiam dashed to their door;
Flung it open and– Liam paused. “Is that Velour?”
Nolan hitched up his pants and straightened his shirt;
“Why yes. I’m freeballing, and anything coarser would hurt;”
Plush fabric adorned his body, from his head to his foot,
Green cap, a red shirt, and pants that could scarcely stay put.
A huge empty sack he had flung on his shoulder,
As he appraised their belongings like a credit-holder;
His eyes—how they twinkled! His freckles, deceiving!
His grin belied mischief! His fingers, thieving!
Away with their lamp. Farewell to Alexa;
He pilfered the pudding. And a card from Aunt Tessa;
Theo caught his arm. Liam fondled his sack;
“Nolan, stop this at once. Give us our things back;”
He bristled. “I’m a holiday elf! These trinkets a mere tribute.”
They brandished their claws. “Leave at once, or your blood we’ll redistribute.”
With a sigh he turned for the door,
But not without making off with one final score;
A skip and giggle as he bounded from the house with glee,
For when he left, he carried away their brand new flat screen TV;
The beta’s blood boiled. “I’m gonna stalk that sneaky fucker!”
“Relax, little wolf. No need to bluster.” Theo pecked Liam’s pucker,
“This is Beacon Hills, so I added the extended warranty;
“We’re covered for everything, even acts of elven banditry.”
And they heard Nolan shout, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
“…Alexa, order me some candy cane print boxer briefs.”