Chapter Text
“Are you sure you’re okay, Ruby?”
I sighed down the phone, and rolled my eyes, despite the fact that my boss, and these days, my best friend couldn’t see.
“I’m fine, Luke. Honestly.”
“I just feel so bad.”
“Why do you feel bad? It’s Christmas, you’re supposed to be with your family,” I chuckled, having spent the lead up to Christmas listening to Luke moan about having to spend Christmas at his parent’s house. He loved them, he honestly did, but he and his Mum clashed terribly, and always ended up bickering. He found her overbearing and hard work. She was just too much, especially after a few glasses of wine.
That said, he moaned when he had to spend Christmas with Matt’s family last year. If it was completely up to him, it would just be him and Matt, on their own, in their lovely house, with neither of their families there to ruin the peace.
But that option simply wasn’t worth the earache they’d get from either of their Mum’s.
“Precisely,” Luke said, sounding none too impressed, “You’re supposed to be with your family and they’ve all buggered off and left you alone.”
“That’s not strictly true. I could see Dad, but it’s his first Christmas with Caroline, and I don’t want to impose,” I explained, for what felt like the millionth time. Dad had a girlfriend, it wasn’t a brand new development. In fact he’d been seeing her for a while before he told Alex and I about it. He’d not wanted to upset us, despite the fact that Mum died over thirty years ago, and we’d all but given up hope that he might one day feel able to move on.
Dad was so happy with Caroline, it was wonderful to see, and I genuinely liked her. I’d been so little when Mum died, I couldn’t remember seeing Dad with another woman, and I’d been so excited for him. I wasn’t about to kick up a fuss when they told me they wanted to spend it alone. It was their first official Christmas together and they’d recently decided to move in together, it made sense that they wouldn’t want their entire families filling the house on Christmas Day. I’d been invited over for dinner on Boxing Day along with her daughter who was a little younger than me, with her husband and children. That was just fine.
But for the first time in my whole thirty-five years I was spending Christmas alone. Although I had to admit, I didn’t really mind. I’d not long moved out of my brother’s and into my own little flat. It just had one bedroom, and was quite small, but I’d enjoyed decorating it for the festive season. I’d even brought small tree, and a wreath for my front door. I planned to get a take away for dinner, and binge watch Christmas films, whilst drinking the fancy bottle of winter berry and clementine gin I’d picked up in Marks and Spencer’s.
“Alright, but Alex and Suzanne have no excuse.”
“They do, they’re visiting Suzy’s family.”
“I just worry about you. Will you still come over New Year’s eve?”
“Of course. I plan to trounce Matt at trivial pursuit.”
“Good.”
“Well I should let you go, I’m sure you need to be up early to travel to your Mum and Dad’s?”
“Don’t remind me, eight o’clock on Christmas day. It’s my idea of hell.”
“She did offer you to stay overnight.”
“Yes I know. I politely declined.”
I laughed at that. The understatement of the century. Matt had politely declined on Luke’s behalf after a half an hour row down the phone between them. We’d been in the office at the time, and I’d watched on in amusement as Luke ranted about how if they stayed over, his Mum would make countless awkward comments, and do nothing but fuss about how they were making the house untidy. But Matt had already accepted the invite, and Luke insisted that he call his would be Mother-in-law back and rescind his acceptance of the invitation.
“I’m going to be okay, Luke. You should have a good time. I’m going to.”
“Talking of having a good time… did you know that Tom’s back in the country. In London actually?”
“Yes I did. I saw on the work planner. You’ve got a meeting with him on the fourth.”
Luke knew I knew as well. I’d consciously avoided any interaction with Tom for almost a year. It hadn’t been terribly hard, as he left the country not long after New Year, and didn’t contact me between, what was probably the most mortifyingly embarrassing night of my life, and leaving to shoot a new television show. He’d spent most of the year on the road, and I had little to do with his contract. I’d had to shoot off one or two emails regarding PR commitments, but I’d kept them brief and professional. Each time he’d responded thanking me, but that was just Tom. He was polite.
“He’s been asking after you.”
“Why?”
“Well, I imagine because you left the poor guy hanging last New Year, and he genuinely likes you.”
“I didn’t leave him hanging. I told you what happened.”
“And I told you, Tom felt terrible about the whole situation, and doesn’t blame you in the slightest.”
“Well he never called to tell me that himself.”
“Because he didn’t want to bother you. Plus, he has been a bit busy.”
“Yeah, I heard. Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”
“They broke up. It wasn’t really serious, some extra he met on set. She’s American, wasn’t going to last. Besides, I’m pretty sure he’s still hung up on you.”
“He’s not seen me for a year.”
“Doesn’t mean he’s not been thinking about you.”
“Somehow, I doubt that.”
“Well, I just thought I’d let you know. It’s up to you what you do with it. But you’re in London, you’re spending Christmas on your own, and so is he. I’m sure he’d like to hear from you,” Luke’s voice had turned gentle, he wasn’t being pushy, and I knew he just wanted what was best for me. Give him his due, he’d not mentioned Tom to me that much in the past year. He knew it was a touchy subject that was best left well alone. But he’d also made it clear that he thought the two of us would make a great couple. I still firmly believed otherwise.
“I’m going to go, Luke. Happy Christmas.”
“And you, Ruby.”
I ended the call, and put my phone down on my coffee table. I glanced at my laptop which sat beside it, hesitating before picking it up and opening it. It took a few moments to start up, and then I logged into my work emails and opened the email I’d received two days earlier.
Hi Ruby,
I know it’s been a long time.
I got back home last week, and Christmas is fast approaching. I keep thinking about last Christmas, and about you.
I hope you’re doing okay? Luke said you’ve got a nice new place, and are taking on your own clients at work, which is great to hear.
It would be lovely to hear from you.
Happy Christmas.
Tom.
I’d not replied. In fact, I’d told myself I wouldn’t. I had nothing to say.
Honestly, I didn’t blame Tom for anything. If I’d been honest and explained my situation, what happened of New Year’s Eve would never of happened. He wouldn’t have escorted me home, he wouldn’t have kissed me on my brother’s doorstep. My brother wouldn’t have opened the front door and given me a royal telling off.
But I’d been embarrassed. I didn’t want to tell a man who I sort of liked – a successful, handsome man, who was fully independent and probably looking for a woman in a similar situation – that I was a thirty something divorcee living in her brother’s box room.
I’d felt like such a failure, and I knew the second he found out, he’d see that too.
Not to mention the fact that I was certain I was one of the most boring people to grace this planet. Tom Hiddleston was interesting. He was smart, quick witted, and talented. He could act, he played instruments, he wasn’t a bad singer. He even wrote well, I’d read a few bits he’d done for various publications. Luke always banged on about how Tom was great at Scrabble. I was terrible at Scrabble.
I can’t play any instruments, or sing. Or dance, or act. I could throw together a good email, but I was no writer. I have no hidden talents, or interesting hobbies, unless you counted eating chocolate and playing Animal Crossing as interesting hobbies.
I look quite nice. In fact, I’m pretty attractive, and I’ve always been confident about my body. I’m no skinny waif, I’ve got a good amount of curves, in fact I could stand to lose a few pounds. But I was nice to look at. I’m not bad in bed either, I know that. I’d never had trouble keeping a man interested in the bedroom, but outside of it was a different story.
Tom got off lucky. The second he realised I wasn’t as great as he thought I was, he’d have wished he’d never got involved with me.
But it was a very nice email.
And it was Christmas.
Besides, he’d gone out of the way to send me a nice message, and to ignore it would be very rude.
Hi Tom,
I’m sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I was quite surprised to hear from you, and wasn’t sure what to say.
I’m doing well, and enjoying work.
I’m glad to hear you’re back on home turf, safe and sound. It must be nice to be back home? I bet Bobby is pleased too.
Merry Christmas.
Ruby.
I hit send before I could back out and change my mind. Then quickly shut down and closed my laptop. I took a deep breath, before standing up and heading to the kitchen to pour myself a very large glass of wine.
∞
The ping of my email notification on my phone roused me suddenly from the unexpected slumber I’d found myself in on my living room sofa.
My feet felt almost unbearably warm and when I squinted down, realised that Bobby had made himself very comfortable and was snoozing away on top of them.
I’d not meant to fall asleep. I squinted at the clock above the mantle and groaned. It was nearly half past eight in the evening. I’d been asleep for almost three hours, and managed to miss dinner. Not to mention Bobby’s evening walk (although he didn’t seem too bothered) and now I probably wouldn’t sleep tonight.
It was my own fault though. Since getting home I’d been non-stop. Catching up with family and friends, and various work commitments. I’d been home nearly a week, but I was still jet lagged.
The three hour nap had probably been long overdue.
I sat up, disturbing Bobby, who gave me a look of reproach before trotting off into the kitchen to have a drink from his water bowl. Once I’d stretched out my aching limbs, I pulled my phone from my jeans pocket.
I’d been on high alert with my emails. Ever since I’d impulsively messaged Ruby two days ago. Impulsively…at Luke’s suggestion. I’d been badgering him, if truth be told. I’d not wanted to bother him whilst I was away. I honestly thought almost a year out of the country would sort me out, and I’d quickly forget about her.
I tried. Not very hard, mind you. But I did attempt dating, and seeing if I could convince myself there were other women out there. It was stupid to be so hung up on a woman a hardly knew, who clearly had a fair bit of baggage and knew getting into a relationship with anyone wouldn’t be fair on them.
But my heart didn’t seem to care.
When I got home it didn’t take me long to slip her name into conversation with Luke. How was she? Was she seeing anyone? Was she upset with me for not calling her after I left that night?
Eventually after revealing very little other than, Ruby was doing very well, she’d finally moved into her own place and her position within Prosper had changed, and she had a small client base of her own. But if I really wanted to know, why didn’t I contact her myself?
So I did. But I’d not heard back.
That didn’t mean that every time I received an email, I wasn’t quickly checking it to see if it was her responding.
But when I saw her name at the top of the new email, my heart jumped into my mouth.
It was Christmas Eve. Why was she even on her work emails now? I knew the office had closed until the fourth of January. But when I read her reply, I knew why. She’d clearly been holding out on her response.
I wanted to reply. But didn’t want to come across too keen.
So instead I decided to take Bobby for a walk, and thinking about what I should say. When I returned from the twenty minute brisk stroll, I’d made up my mind.
I needed to clear the air with her properly. So I had to message her, and see if she would be receptive to a conversation. But now, if I emailed back, chances are she wouldn’t see it until the new year.
So I decided to send a text.
Hi Ruby, I hope this is still your number? Tom x
So that was probably a bit vague and creepy. I wondered if I should follow it up with another message. But before I could reply, a response from her came in.
Yes it is.
Right. Short and sweet.
I got your email, and wanted to reply but thought you might not check them again until the new year. Tom x
I waited. And waited.
After ten minutes or so of staring at my phone I decided I needed to get a grip. It was Christmas eve. She was probably busy. So I decided to make myself a sandwich and try and focus on something else. Some forty minutes later, my text notification pinged again.
It was nice to hear from you. Surprising, but nice. X
I smiled to myself. Okay, this was a bit more promising.
I owe you an apology. I should have called you after New Year. I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure what to say. X
You have nothing to apologise for. X
Can we start over? Like I said, I keep thinking about you. I understand if you aren’t interested, it’s been a long time. But if you are, I’d really like to see you? X
Following what had been a small run of text tennis, there was another break in conversation. But this time I could see she’d read the message. Had I moved to quickly, been too keen? That was my usual mistake. I had terrible habit of being full on when I liked someone. But it was part of who I am, and a tough habit to break.
I’m not sure that’s a good idea. X
The message that eventually came through made my heart sink.
Do you mind if I ask why not?
I stood up, and went about the house, checking the front door was locked, letting Bobby out to the garden one last time. Then finally I made my way upstairs, stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed. That was when I received another message. This time her response was much longer.
Tom, I’m very flattered. Please don’t take offence by what I’m about to say. I think you’re a lovely man, and very attractive, and of course I like you. But you don’t know me very well, and we are very different people. I’m afraid that once you get to know me you won’t like me so much, I’m very boring, and you live in a world full of interesting and talented people. I don’t fit into that world. I think we’d quickly run out of things to talk about. You’d leave me, and given my history, I’m afraid it would hurt me far more than it would you. Sorry, for the long message, but you asked, and I suppose I owe you some honesty.
Wow.
I was not expecting that.
Also… I think she really over-estimated how exciting and interesting my life is outside of work. Yes, I meet some interesting and talented people. But all of them, when it came down to it, were only human.
I knew Ruby worked in an office, and had a quiet life. I gathered that much from the little I knew of her. But that didn’t make her boring.
I’m not sure what you think I look for in a partner, but accomplishments have very little to do with it. You are kind hearted and beautiful. That’s all I need to know. Let me find out the rest for myself. I promise I won’t hurt you. X
It was a pretty big promise to make. One which I knew I could keep. To my knowledge I’d never hurt any of the women I’d been in a relationship with. I’d been hurt, more than once. But those I’d ended relationships with, it had either fizzled out over time. I was on good terms with most of my ex’s. Not that there were hundreds of them. But the small handful there were, if I was to see them, would still talk to me.
I also knew I’d never been hung up on the same woman for as long as I’d liked Ruby. A year without seeing her face and I still knew every detail in my mind. That had to mean something. Call it cliché, it is, I’m a hopeless romantic.
She’d not outrightly told me no. So I must still stand a chance.
What are you doing for Christmas? X
Well that was a sudden change of subject. Perhaps this was her way of ending the discussion, but not ending our conversation? Which was a good thing. She wanted to keep talking.
Just me, at home with Bobby. I wasn’t sure if I’d get back for Christmas, so I didn’t make plans. X
I wasn’t bothered about spending Christmas on my own. There were worst things in life. I was spending boxing day with my sister and her family. I’d seen Mum yesterday and stayed overnight, she’d been invited to spend Christmas with my aunt.
Then Ruby’s reply came though, and knocked the wind right out of me.
Would you like to spend Christmas with me? X