Archive of Our Own

Leo was walking. He thinks anyway. No. yes, he was walking. Walking towards … he doesn’t know, can’t remember. What was he doing again? He looks down at hand seeing the first aid kit tucked gently into his fist. 

Oh yeah. He was going to try and get Raph to learn some basics. Just the basics just an hour or two so he would be prepared when if something happened to him. His older brother would gift him that right? 

 He is not sure when he ended up in the training room, but he’s there. Raph is working out, doing some deadlifts with the weights. Leo clears his throat, feeling a weird compression on his chest. Barely there but noticeable enough he pauses to hold a hand to his heart. 

He finds his own chest not moving. For some reason, it doesn’t concern him and he lets his hand drop slowly feeling way lighter than it should. 

“Hey, Raphael.” 

“Busy Leo.” the snapping turtle grunts but he stops his weights anyway to look at his brother’s face. Leonardo can’t focus on his brother’s expression like he’s too far off or he’s looking through a distorted glass pane that wraps his brother’s face. He feels unwell. Dizzy from the movement and shifting of his brother’s face. 

“Never mind. You are busy.” and he leaves. Walking away from Raphael to let him work out. He doesn’t want to bother him. 

Next is Mikey. Mikey would save him give him time. Maybe an hour was too much to ask for anyway. thirty minutes seemed more reasonable. 

As if he’s whisked away he’s in the kitchen now, not even remembering traveling there. The weird phantom compressions on his chest continue as if to mock his non-beating heart. It still doesn’t concern him yet. 

Mikey is in the kitchen, whisking and stirring and combining ingredients in a way that doesn’t make sense but he doesn’t question. 

“Got some time Mikey?” he asked breathlessly, feeling very tired now. Perhaps he has been walking too much. 

“Mmmmm not really Leo. making dinner” Mikey smiles at him, at least he thinks he is smiling, again there is a weird blur around his brother’s face that makes it hard to focus. It makes him nauseous like he's riding the merry-go-round at a speed that couldn't be deemed safe for kids. and he turns away so as not to get caught in the spinning ride. 

“No worries. I’ll see what Donnie is up to.” then, he is walking again. He knows he is walking because he is moving but he can hardly feel his feet moving in front of each other. As if he is floating. Being pulled forward by some invisible force. 

Once again he finds himself right outside his destination not remembering traveling here. He needs Donnie. Just fifteen minutes, that’s all he needs to be saved happy. Surely his brother would give him that? He loved him right? He steps into the room, except he doesn’t. He’s just next to Donnie now, who tinkers with a gadget that keeps shifting and changing every time he tries to focus on it. 

“Hey, Donni-” 

“No Leo.” Donnie cuts him off not even sparing him a glance. Not that Leo would want him to look at him right now anyway. His face blurring at the edges. Looking like an abstract painting of purple and green hues rather than his own brother. 

Leonardo gulps feeling his chest compress. He’s worried now. He needs his brother. He needs Donnie to look at him.

  ‘Look at me. Save me. Why did you never take the time?’

Leonardo puts a hand to his chest feeling how still it is, like a lake in the morning, untouched by all except the mist that haunts the covers of it. His mouth moves before his brain catches up. 

“Careful” 

“Ow!” Donnie shocks his hand on the gadget and looks to Leo, his face still a buzz with colors.

“How did you know that was going to happen?” Leonardo isn’t sure. He sits and thinks for a moment. Everything seems to be harder right now, moving, thinking, even breathing. Something wet touches his hand and drips down it slowly. 

Ah.

That’s right. 

He runs a hand up his arm feeling the slick blood dripping down from his shoulder. 

Leonardo wasn’t breathing. This was a memory. Just a memory. 

His chest is filled with a sudden sadness and grief knowing that all of this was in the past. He could not alter his course nor could he convince his brothers to take interest in him. Donnie is looking at him again, edges glitching and blurring together like a bad tv signal. He swallows growing even more tired. How cruel of his own body to make him re-live this day. The day he truly gave up trying to reach out to his brothers and teach them.

“I’ll be leaving soon Donnie.” 

“Good. then I can focus on my work.” 

“I wish I could stay longer.” he turns to leave, finally feeling his feet beneath him, ready to be carried away and keep walking. But a hand grabs his wrist and it holds him in place. He turns to see Donnie looking at him. Truly looking at him.

The veil is torn and he can see his brother’s face. It’s beaten and worn, covered in small cuts and dust from the cave-in despite them still being in Donnie’s lair. 

"I swear to God Leo if you don't wake up I'm gonna kick your ass." He grunts in-between compressions. Ah, that’s where that feeling in his chest was coming from. His brother was trying to save him. It comforted Leonardo to know at least his brothers had tried, although futile it gave him the final closure he needed to move on. 

“I’m sorry Donnie. I have to go. I’m sorry.” he feels tears gathering at his eyes but they seem to float and evaporate away before they have a chance to be shed. He knows he’s being unfair, leaving his brothers when they tried so hard to protect and save him. 

He knew this was the cowards way out. But he simply didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. Too tired from all his walking. And he still had such a long walk ahead of him. 

His hand phases out of his brother’s grip and Donnie’s face becomes desperate, reaching for him only to have Leo evade his grasp. 

“No. don’t you DARE . don’t you dare do it! Leo Wake up!! ” his voice is muffled like it’s far away and growing further away from him. Donnie is crying now, his own tears floating upward and fading away and it’s almost enough to convince Lenardo to stay. But he’s too weak. Too tired and his feet carry him to somewhere he can rest finally. 

I’m sorry Donnie….I’m sorry Raph. I’m sorry Mikey, April, and dad.” and it’s with heavy feet and an empty chest that Leonardo turns and walks away. 

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“Come on Leo!!! You bastard wake up!!” Donnie shouts, continuing to compress his brother’s chest long after he is gone. A somber tone had filled the cave, feeling more like a tomb now rather than just a collapsed cavern. his family came just a bit too late to save Leo. and yet he didn’t stop, as he could will Leonardo’s spirit back into his body.

He feels a hand on the back of his shell and he flinches away from it harshly 

“My son….stop. Leonardo is go-” Donnie smacks his hand away harshly going back to giving his brother CPR. He refused to let his father finish. If he finished then that would cement the harsh reality forever. As if the only thing keeping this whole nightmare from following him into the waking realm was just a few words from his father. 

“Shut up!! Just shut up!” he pushes hands harshly to the sides of his head to block out the noise, to block out all the ‘laters’ that were catching up with him and he simply couldn't hold all of them at once. So instead of holding each ‘later’ that fell into his hands suddenly, he uses them to try to bring his brother back.

 I’m going to fix this” he continues to compress Leo’s chest but he’s too tired. He can feel eyes on the back of his neck, pitying him, judging him for his failure to fix this. His arms are tired and he continues to compress, his vision growing blurry and his brother’s peaceful face becomes nothing more than a watercolor painting. 

“I can fix this. I can fix this” he hisses out between compressions. But his arms are tired and they shake before giving out on him. He falls forward over his brother’s lifeless body, it’s still warm as if to mock him of the bright warm person he used to be but it grows colder in his grasp. 

He lets out a sob. Too tired and too much of a failure to continue. He gently pulls his brother’s limp lifeless body up to his chest, he looks like he is just sleeping but Donnie knows better. He can hear his family sniffing and sobbing behind him.

 He couldn’t fix this. 

He lets out his own sob pulling Leonardo impossibly closer, wishing the limp arms would reach up and hug him back. Just one more time. Even if it was the last. He lets out a gut-wrenching cry throwing his head back, his soul being torn to shreds with every passing second that Leonardo doesn’t hug him back. 

He couldn’t fix this. He couldn’t fix Leo. 

“LEO! Leo you bastard come back so I can fix this!!!”