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Sehun lay on his bed as he stared at the empty ceiling in his once lively room. The room he once shared with his Lulu-hyung. He huffed out a breath of air he didn't know he was holding and rolled onto his side. This has been the routine for Sehun every night lately, him thinking about Luhan's departure from EXO and staying up late into the dark side of the morning. The maknae knows that Luhan leaving was a long while ago but he can't help thinking about the deer faced latter and the way Luhan always made him smile, his precious laugh, his beautiful features, and the way his deer like face made him look like a literal angel. The brown haired didn't notice it at first, but he had developed feelings for his favorite hyung. It wasn't until Luhan left that he finally realized he did view Luhan as more than a friend and hyung. He never gave it much thought but, Luhan leaving had caused him to constantly think about it. Sadly, it was too late when he had finally accepted it. Sehun wanted to confess but unfortunately, Luhan had already left the group.
And he was not coming back.
After a few minutes of thinking, that seemed like long hours to Sehun, the youngest EXO member removed himself from his bed and walked into the kitchen. He sighs and opens the fridge door, looking for something to drink. Sehun rummaged around for a bit more until he finally settles on heating up some milk. The maknae grabs the newest milk carton out from the fridge, not caring if there was already a used one, and places it on the counter top. once he finished with fridge he closes it and grabs a glass from the washed dishes. He places the glass beside the milk carton as he turns his attention towards opening the newly bought carton. Said object opens with slight ripping sound.
"Shit," Sehun curses under his breath as he realizes he ripped the carton too much.
Not having a care in the world, he makes the best out of the wide opening in the carton and pours the milk into the glass, filling it up halfway. Sehun then grabs the carton and walks over to the fridge. he open its door once more but, being the mischievous maknae he is, Sehun decides to mix some of the milk with the orange juice in the fridge. after doing so, he places both cartons back in the fridge in their respective places. even when doing this, he didn't feel anymore happier. The tall maknae turned his attention back to the glass with milk in it sitting atop the counter. He let out a huff and grabbed it as he walked to the microwave. The younger opened the microwave and placed the glass in it. Sehun started the microwave and sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time.
Sehun walked back towards the counter and leaned his back against it. As he was waiting for his drink to finish, Sehun started thinking about his memories with Luhan. He smiled fondly as he recalled most of them but, one in particular made him tear up.
It was the last memory Sehun had of Luhan before the deer faced member had left EXO.
He hadn't realized it, but his face was covered in tears. Sehun didn't care, there was no one around to see him anyway. As he let his tears fall, he slid down and curled up into a ball. The brown haired buried his head in his hands, and started silently crying to himself. He felt as if it was his fault for Luhan's departure. Maybe, just maybe if Sehun had taken more notice towards how the staff was treating Luhan, and the rest of the EXO-M members, he could have done something. Sure, he doesn’t know what but, anything other than nothing would have been a start!
“Why am I so useless? I couldn’t protect Lulu Hyung,” Sehun bawled into his hands.
“Heck, I don’t deserve to call him that anymore. I don’t deserve to have him as my hyung at this point,” the maknae continued to cry into his hands, letting all of his bawled up emotions out.
He was too immersed in his sob session to hear the microwave beeping, signifying that his drink had finished heating up. It took some time but, Sehun's sobs had finally died down a bit. He rubbed his eyes and sniffled. The tall male leaned his head back against the cabinet and ran a hand through his hair. Still a bit sniffly, Sehun stood up reluctantly, and lazily walked towards the microwave and opened it. The brown haired took the warm glass out of the microwave and took a long, nice, sip of the milk he had heated up. The maknae then remembered all of the times the two had went to get bubble tea. It was always them two, not anyone else. He laughed bitterly into the darkness as he stirred his cup of milk with his index finger, knowing he'll never make memories like that ever again. However, Sehun chocked on his spit as he realized the most painful thing.
"I'll never get another chance to confess my love for Luhan."
The maknae slammed his fist onto the table, as the painful feeling of regret and longing overcame him once again. He pushed his drink away in a fit of anger. the cup tipped over on its side, making the now lukewarm milk spill out. Sehun curled up into a ball once more, and sobbed out in a fit of pain, regret and longing, knowing very well that he had no chance of conveying his feelings towards Luhan.
Ever again.
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For Luhan, it was the exact same bitter feeling of regret and longing. He too missed the maknae, so much that it was eating him up inside. He couldn't eat, sleep, walk, do much of anything properly. Sometimes even breathing was a challenge. The male would get anxiety attacks and have breakdowns whenever he thought of Sehun and how he missed him so much, especially at how he regretted leaving his favorite member behind. He knew it was best to leave the group because of the way his manager and the staff had treated the Chinese members, but he always hated remembering Sehun's face when he announced his departure.
Luhan had hated how Sehun's expression was a mixture of betrayal and heartbreak.
Luhan stared blankly at the random show on the television in front of him, wondering what his favorite dongsaeng was doing at this late hour, little did he know, Sehun was busy having a breakdown of his own. The older sighed as he shifted his position on the couch from sitting up, to laying on his back. He lazily reached an arm out and grabbed the remote, turning the tv off. Luhan threw the remote somewhere random as he stared up at his pale ceiling, and thought about the quiet, yet cute male he adored oh so much. The now blonde haired would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that he had developed passionate feelings of love for the younger male. Even though Sehun was pretty shy and awkward with some members, he was always loud and comfortable with Luhan. That alone added to the feelings of love he felt for Sehun.
He had always wondered why Sehun was so shy around most of the members, but almost never with him. Luhan always assumed that is due to their extremely close relationship, but maybe, he was wrong. Sure, Sehun and Luhan were awfully close, but it couldn't be the real reason the maknae was so comfortable with the deer faced male, right? The maknae was always pretty affectionate with Luhan, but that could just be brotherly love, right? The younger didn't mind embarrassing penalty games like, the pepero and the paper kiss games when it was with Luhan, but that could because they were that close, right? Sehun just couldn't have viewed Luhan as a lover figure so much, that the younger wanted to be with him as much as possible, and do things that lovers do, right? Luhan's eyes widened as that thought passed through his mind. And as he thought about it more, the blonde gradually leaned more and more towards that thought.
Soon, there were multiple thoughts and assumptions passing through his mind. However, only a few made the most sense to him.
"Perhaps Sehun felt the same way I did, but Sehun just never realized it?" The blonde shook his head. The assumption just didn't sit quite right with him.
"Maybe he viewed me more than a friend and a brother, and just never acted on it?" The older sighed and face palmed. That wasn't it either.
"Wait, wait wait... could he have loved me more than a friend, brother and bandmate, but it was just subconsciously? And, and, he never realized it until I left. That's why his expression was..." Luhan's eyes widened once more, shock clearly filling his face.
Sadly, this conclusion had the most accuracy to him. The blonde grunted in frustration, running his hands over his face as a bitter feeling of regret and sadness washed over him. Only now, had he finally realized the reason to why Sehun had that expression on his final day before leaving the band, but Luhan was much too late.
"Ah shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Maybe, just maybe, if I realized how Sehun subconsciously felt, I could've told him how I felt, and things would be different!" Luhan let out of a huff of anger and regret, shaking his head in disappointment, while sitting up.
He face palmed, hating himself for being so clueless, so oblivious to Sehun's feelings. The pain he had felt was like a sharp knife to the heart, the knife being pulled in and out over and over again, on a continuous loop. Luhan tried his best to stay to calm, but alas, the emotions of pent up anger and regret washed over him like a tidal wave. He felt as if he was going to have another anxiety attack, and ending up on the floor crying and hyperventilating, with an unbearable pain in chest. That's what would have happened if the of urge of needing to pee didn't surface sooner. The blonde sighed and stood up, running his hand through his newly grown out bangs, walking towards the bathroom, somewhat relieved. As he reached his destination the older opened the door, and walked in lazily.
Closing the door behind him with his foot, Luhan walked over to the toilet. He lifted the toilet seat up and slipped sweatpants down. The blonde stripped of his boxers, letting them fall into a pool around his ankles, where his sweatpants also were. The deer faced latter aimed and did his business, relieving himself of the uncomfortable feeling of pent up bladder. Once finished, he pulled his boxers and sweatpants back up. Luhan put the toilet seat back down and then flushed the toilet, because he obviously has manners, unlike some people in the world. Putting that thought aside, he went to the sink, turning the faucet on. As the water was running, Luhan reached for the hand soap container, and pumped a good amount of soap into his hand. Wetting his hands beneath the water, he rubbed them together, making the foam lather up. The latter then rinsed his hands, and turned of the faucet, finishing his business at the sink.
However, Luhan's thoughts were still unsettled. He thought doing something would get his mind off of Sehun, but the maknae had dug such a deep spot in Luhan's heart, that it was impossible to not think about him for long. Sighing, the deer faced male looked up in the mirror, with his mind still pondering. As he got lost in his thoughts, the feelings of regret, sadness, and anger welled up inside him once again. Tears pooled in his eyes, and threatened to spill out. Luhan tried his best to hold back his emotions, his breathing becoming unsteady as he did so. However, he wasn't as successful as he had hoped. The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to trickle down his pale cheeks, as Sehun's expression of betrayal and heartbreak flashed across his mind.
That alone, was enough to make Luhan snap.
Luhan had collapsed to the floor, his breathing gradually became more unsteady. The image kept repeating itself in Luhan's mind. The poor boy was full on sobbing into his hands, as his regret swallowed him whole. The older clenched his chest, as he felt it tightening up. By now, Luhan was on his side, bawling into his hands, which were now clenched into a fist. The blonde was angry, not just at himself, but also at how things were now. Still sobbing, his breathing got worse, he was full on hyperventilating and desperately gasping for air to fill his lungs. Luhan's vision was becoming foggy and he couldn't see straight. Not to mention, his hyperventilating got even worse, as he couldn't breathe for short periods of time. Luhan felt like he was dying.
Maybe he was, and maybe he wasn't. He could just be over exaggerating, and letting his emotions get the better of him. Honestyly, he couldn't be fully sure, not in this situation anyway. All he could feel at this point was the pain in his chest, everything else slowly became numb. Luhan's vision turned all white, and black spots slowly started appearing. Still hyperventilating and numb, he blinked a few times, before his vision was fully overcome by darkness. With one last image of Sehun's expression, Luhan blacked out. Even though this had become a pretty regular thing, he hated it so much. The blonde didn't want to have another breakdown like this, but he never had his way.
Not ever since he had joined SM as a trainee. Working so hard to debut, only to be shunned right after. Then, leaving the band.
And leaving, Sehun.