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Chuuya had always known Dazai was underweight, severely so, and that he also hated doctors. But the paper in his hands does nothing but cause his worry to spike even more. Dazai had gotten a check up not too long ago and the mail came in this morning. Was it weird for two people from rival organizations to live together? Probably but they were under a truce now so it should be alright. It was also probably a violation of privacy to look at this without the brunette's permission.
Weight: 67 kg (147 lbs)
Chuuya stared at the words with an unhealthy amount of concentration. This went beyond just being underweight. Dazai had told him a little about himself, about how he hated his body as a child and he wanted to find any way possible to destroy it. But he didn't think it would be this bad.
Chuuya gripped the paper even harder. Looking back, Dazai would never eat anything other than cheap canned crab (and occasionally dog food) in front of him. He had chalked it up to it just being one of his shenanigans or quirks. But even during undercover missions, Dazai would only be seen holding either a flute of champagne or some other drink, but never seen eating.
The mafia executive continued trying to wrack through his brain for any scenario where he saw his dear boyfriend eating. They had only put a name on their relationship fairly recently but, still! They've known each other for seven years! That's gotta account for something, right?
The forced vacation in Nagano? No, the waste of bandages didn't even touch the soba or oyaki.
Kouyou's birthday a few years ago? Still no, he had only drank sake.
Canned crab wasn't a meal, it barely counted as a snack.
Chuuya's body broke out in a cold sweat. This was bad, really bad. What if his former partner gets blown away by the wind one day because he actually did become a bag of skin and bones?!
Chuuya made up his mind. He had a new mission and it was more important than any Mori had ever assigned him with.
Operation, ''Get Dazai to eat something other than canned crab in front of him'', was now in progress!
"Is something the matter, Chibiko?" Dazai asked. In his hands was a new ramune flavored drink he wanted to try but he couldn't pop the marble in (damn his weak body!) so he was going to ask Chuuya to do it for him.
But seeing the ginger stare at him so intently made him momentarily forget the whole reason why he even went to him in the first place. He sweat-dropped as the older man continued to stare at him.
"Hey, are you even there?" He asked again, ramune forgotten on the table.
Chuuya's stare intensified. Should he confront the other about his eating disorders? No, knowing Dazai, he would just deflect from the question and would make it his life goal to never eat in front of Chuuya.
What would it take for him to get Dazai to eat in front of him? Maybe a delicious crab themed dinner would help. But then again, Hirotsu had once organized a private party for Dazai becoming an executive and it was filled with crab themed food. Hell, some people would pay hundred, no, thousands, for blue king crabs or deep fried snow crab legs. But Dazai only packed up a small box of miscellaneous dishes and said he'll eat it later.
So if he wanted Dazai to eat in front of him, he couldn't resort to throwing a party or else the bastard might try to run away or throw the food out! And he was even prepared to make a guest list, hire a catering team, rent out a party hall or use one of his many properties. Hell, he was prepared to ask Kouyou for favors.
It took him awhile to realize that Dazai had been snapping fingers in front of his face.
"Huh? Oh, sorry," Chuuya composed himself. "Did you need something?"
Dazai's face morphed into one of faux irritation and he pouted. "Chibi's hat is not only eating his brain cells but also shortening his attention span.”
"Shut it you man-child! Just tell me what you need!" Chuuya snapped.
The brunette showed him the bottle of ramune and he put two and two together.
He sighed and took the drink. "You should do some cardio. It'll be good for you.”
He pushed the marble in, the drink fizzled, and he handed it back to the eager brunette.
"Hmph, why would I want to do that," Dazai made grabby motions with his fingers and happily took a long gulp of the ramune.
"Lord knows you need some muscles.”
Chuuya rolled his eyes.
"But I have a guard dog to protect me. I don't need muscles.” Dazai dodged the incoming plate.
"Waah, Chuuya shouldn't throw plates around~" Dazai sipped his ramune obnoxiously loud.
"Shut up, you asshole!"
Chuuya had a variety of ingredients laid out in front of him, ranging from leeks to chicken breasts. He hummed in thought.
What would Dazai like to eat that didn't include crabs?
He knew his lover had an unhealthy obsession with them but eating other types of food would be extremely beneficial.
So what to make?
He picked up a potato. What would be a classical dish that children enjoyed? It has to be fulfilling but it can't be too unhealthy. And Dazai has a cheap palette so it also has to be cheap but also delicious.
Suddenly, he got the perfect idea.
Chuuya washed his knife and an onion and began cutting it up into small pieces. Once satisfied with their size, he took out a pan and poured vegetable oil onto it. He waited until the oil began to sizzle before frying the onion.
'His birthday is also coming up soon,' Chuuya thought to himself as he removed the onions once they were finished. He sent the pan aside to cool so he could work with another bowl.
Double Black didn't do birthdays. It wasn't that they were too busy or going through some edgy teenage phase, but it was more like they didn't need to. They would spend each other's birthdays in comfortable silence or prank wars that usually had to get Kouyou involved.
Chuuya smiled fondly at the memory as he mixed the meat, eggs, breadcrumbs, onions, and seasoning together. He took a look at the clock, perfect. He would have enough time before Dazai came home.
Dazai could smell something through the air once he made his way back to Chuuya's apartment.
"Chuuya?" He called out.
Normally, the redhead would still be at work or in his office. Rarely does he ever get back before the detective and even then, he would usually be seen on his couch with a glass of wine by his side and a book in his hands.
"Kitchen!"
Upon entering, Dazai noticed the two plates of Hamburg steak. It was cooked to perfection and still warm, the ideal timing for eating these kinds of dishes.
"What's this?" He shrugged his coat off and threw it haphazardly on the floor. He'll probably receive a scolding for it but that was a worry for later. He took a seat at the table and noted the way Chuuya was staring at him with intense concentration.
"Hamburg steak," Chuuya said simply and took his own seat. He folded his hands in front of him, not unlike the way Mori did.
There was silence until Dazai spoke up.
"Why?"
"Don't ask stupid question, just eat already.”
Dazai picked up the fork and poked the Hamburg steak. This...was something that was common in a household, right? He looked up from his plate to see Chuuya staring even harder. He looked back down at his plate.
The hamburg steak would have been delicious. Full of savory juiciness and just waiting to burst with flavor. But he didn't have much of an appetite in the first place.
"I...I have to go," Dazai stood up as did Chuuya, who was closely resembling a predator ready to pounce.
"Eat.”
"At least tell me why?!"
Chuuya growled (Did Chibi just growl at him?) and he looked ready to tackle him at a moment's notice.
Now, how does one escape the Port Mafia's strongest martial artist? Well, normally you should just give up and accept your fate in hopes of getting a lighter beating but not Dazai Osamu.
He was too stubborn to let his dear slug catch him.
"I need the bathroom," He said cautiously, the same way one would speak to a wounded animal.
"I'm coming with you." Chuuya followed him closely behind.
They were at the door now but how was he supposed to escape when there was a rabid dog watching his every movement.
"I need my privacy.”
"Fine, I'll wait for you out here," Chuuya crossed his arms as his boyfriend closed the door.
Dazai locked the door behind him and immediately dashed to the small window to his right. It was for ventilation but it was also big enough for him to fit through. He could worry about his dislocated shoulder later. Right now, he needed to get away from a crazed Chuuya.
Chuuya aggressively ate both Hamburg steaks. Of course the slimy bastard would know a way out through the bathroom. It had taken him an embarrassingly long time to realize that Dazai had not only left the apartment, but also the building.
'Watch yourself,'
Wherever Dazai was, Chuuya hoped he could hear him. He may have gotten out of this one but that doesn't mean this is over.
'I'm going to feed your a proper meal whether you like it or not!’
With that promise in mind, Dazai went through one of the most bizarre weeks of his life. Everyday he would arrive at Chuuya's apartment and hope that whatever was plaguing the redhead was gone but he was sorely disappointed when Chuuya would whip out a new recipe.
Chuuya never tried to force him to eat nor did he try to enforce dinner together in the past. They just did their own thing and even after declaring themselves in a private relationship, it wasn't like they were trying to have a fixed schedule in their relationship.
Sometimes Chuuya would come home super late after a mission or Dazai would be busy trying to throw himself in a river without any civilians noticing. He did so hate being a bother.
"Eat," Chuuya pushed the bowl of chilled soba noodles and sakura shrimp towards the brunette.
"I have a stomachache.”
"Eat," Chuuya handed him a pair of chopsticks.
Dazai stared at the bowl of hitsumabushi. "I have a case to solve.”
Bullshit, he was the Demon Prodigy and he didn't even work in the first place.
"Here," Chuuya gave him an expectant look and nodded to the apple tart.
"..."
So Chibi has decided to go with sweets now?
Chuuya didn't say anything, just handed him a parfait spoon along with the parfait itself.
Dazai sweat dropped.
"Chuuya" Dazai began. "If you wanted to poison me, you could have just handed me the poison. I would have been happy to take it"
He got punched for that.
"I'm not trying to poison you, idiot!"
Dazai rubbed his cheek. "Then what are you trying to do?! You've been acting odd all week!"
Chuuya's face reddened and normally, the former mafioso would have taken this chance to tease him relentlessly but he didn't have the time for that.
"Why don't you ever eat in front of me?" Chuuya says, so quiet it must have been mistaken for a whisper. But Dazai doesn't seem to have any problems hearing his face immediately takes one of a shit-eating grin.
"Oh~ Is my dear doggy worried for me?"
"This is serious!"
The grin drops and the detective ponders for a moment, legs idly swishing back and forth.
"You already know why, I hate my body."
Chuuya had already known that but it doesn't make him feel any less bad about it.
Noticing the expression on his tiny lover, Dazai sighs.
"If you really want, we can go out for my birthday.”
The redhead brightens up, eyes sparkling so bright Dazai looks away.
"BUT,” He raises a finger. "It has to be somewhere I choose.”
Chuuya nods, as long as he can see Dazai eat, it's fine.
"This is..." Chuuya deadpans.
Dazai grins so brightly that it was Chuuya's turn to cover his eyes. "A burger joint!"
When he said he was fine with anywhere, he thought that his boyfriend would be choosing somewhere like a seafood themed restaurant or a bakery that sells fresh bread. But he should have known he overestimated the thinking abilities of a bandage walking disaster who lives off of cheap canned crabs and sake.
But he doesn't make a huge fuss about it, doing so is probably what Dazai wants. And his goal is to finally confirm that Dazai can eat something other than canned crab. Hell, he wasn't even sure if his goal was to see Dazai gain some pounds or just to see him eat anymore.
They entered the establishment and found a nice seat near the windows. They then drop off their coats there to claim their seats before waiting in line.
Chuuya could see the signs of nervousness on Dazai. He almost snorts, the renowned Demon Prodigy of the Port Mafia, capable of turning seasoned killers into whimpering babies with just a look, somehow scared of eating in front of his boyfriend. But despite all the teasing and bullshit he goes through, he doesn't mention it in fear of Dazai booking it out.
Once they have returned to their seats with their meals, they stare at each other for an uncomfortable long time.
It's only because he's been Dazai's partner that he knows what to do.
"You take the burger in you hands like that," Chuuya demonstrates by holding his hamburger with both hands. Up close, he can at least appreciate how the bun has a nice shine to it and how appetizing the meat looks.
Dazai follows with unsure movements, looking at the meal like it's a tiring time bomb. It takes everything inside Chuuya to not coo over the brunette's expression. It was almost laughable how he would know how much each organ would sell for on the black market but he needs a tutorial on how to eat a burger.
"Then you take a big bite like this," Chuuya makes a big show of taking a large bite out of his burger and chewing it as he watches Dazai tilt his head in observation, big Bambi like eyes watching him for anything he might have missed.
Dazai hold the burger closer and with furrowed brows, he also takes a big bite of the burger.
As expected, his bite wasn't as clean as Chuuya's and the patty along with some of the vegestables slides out. It barely hangs on and Dazai looks like someone just killed his cat.
"Chuuya?" Dazai's voice pitched in panic. "I think there's something wrong.”
The way Dazai looks so helpless and unsure almost sends Chuuya into an early grave and he would have been happy to die after seeing that.
It was just, just so adorable that momentarily blacks out. The way those soft cheeks resemble a hamster and how his eyes take on this cute and unsure look is just too much.
When he comes back to his senses, the brunette is still panicking over how he couldn't eat a burger correctly and there's even a small sauce stain on the corner of his mouth.
"Chuuya?" Dazai looks so deliciously confused. "C-can you stop, um, can you stop staring like that?"
Stuttering too? He should have forced Dazai to eat in front of him sooner.
It doesn't take long for the detective to get angry.
"This is why I didn't want to eat in front of you!" Dazai cries out in panic, embarrassment setting his face aflame. His cheeks puff up in childish anger and he turns his head in a petulant manner.
This...this was just too cute.
So what does Chuuya do when the way his boyfriend eats is too cute? He does what anyone would do in his situation and passes out from the blood rushing towards his head of course.
Bonus scene:
"I don't see what the point of this is," Akutagawa comments. Behind him, Chuuya puts a hand on his shoulder.
"The boss wanted to have a party for your alliance. And we don't question the boss and his whims.”
The place was rented out by mafia money and it was probably a way to show off their excessive wealth. Tables of food from every imaginable cuisine is lined out near the walls and Chuuya grabs a plate and fills it to the brim with whatever he deems, ''worthy''.
Then spotting his favorite mackerel, he grabs him by the arm and drags him over to an empty table. He pushes the taller man onto the chair and slams the plate of food onto the table.
"Eat," He commands and then flushes at the confused look Dazai gives him. Confusion is a good look and it should appear more often.
Hesitantly, Dazai picks a fork and stabs it into a cake Chuuya randomly chose. He looks at the overly concentrated mafioso before taking a bite of the dessert. It appears he had overestimated the size of his lips as some of the frosting makes his cheek their home.
"Chuuya," He whines and looks up with teary eyes. He doesn't want to be humiliated like this. It was better when he could just eat in private or not eat at all.
Ranpo, who happened to just be walking by, saw his coworker's distress and pouty expression. So he does what any genius detective would do and fills up an entire plate with just desserts.
Custard pudding, layered chocolate cakes, large cream puffs with more than enough cream to make Dazai look even more embarrassed and helpless.
He receives a thumbs-up from Mr. Fancy Hat and wide eyes from Dazai.
"As your senpai, you should eat more."
"Listen to him, Dazai."