Work Text:
Two months ago
“Alright, that’s it. You’re done.” Teddy proclaimed as he burst into James’s room and sprawled across the foot of the bed. “Ugh, your feet smell like a rotten flobberworm.”
James yanked his legs away from the intruder at the foot of his bed and crossed his legs, hiding his feet beneath him. A whiff of odour hit him with the motion and his nose crinkled. Ignoring Teddy’s laugh, James pulled off the smelly socks and tossed them into the laundry basket across the room.
“Happy?” James asked sarcastically. Picking up the sketchpad he’d set down when he was so rudely interrupted, he flipped the page as casually as possible, going back to one of the other sketches he was working on.
“Well, that is the more immediate problem sorted, but back to the main issue at hand,” as he spoke, Teddy shifted so that he was laying on his back, his legs hanging off the side of the bed.
When he didn’t elaborate, James resolved not to press. He made a show of sketching in his father’s erratic hair in the family portrait he was working on for his mum’s birthday in a few weeks. His resolve started to crack as Teddy pulled up his shirt and began drumming his hands against his stomach in a rhythmic pattern. James tried to ignore him, he really did, but his eyes betrayed him as they snuck over to stare at the dark trail of hair that started at Teddy’s bellybutton and disappeared beneath the dark grey elastic waistband of Teddy’s pants.
James caught movement out of the corner of his eye and he ducked his head back down, refocusing on his sketch. He added a few lines to the sketch to really sell it. He didn’t chance a look up, but he would be willing to lay down Galleons that Teddy was grinning at him—that grin.
James had never told Teddy about the crush he’d been struggling to rein in for the past five years, and Teddy had never given him any concrete reason to believe that he was even aware of it. Still, sometimes Teddy would grin at him with this sparkle in his eye that made James think he knew more than he was letting on. He didn’t even have to look at Teddy to know that that look would be painted across his face and James felt a rush of heat crawling up his neck.
He cracked, desperate for anything that would break the silence and redirect Teddy’s attention. “What’s the main issue?” James asked, chancing a quick flitting glance up to see Teddy beam back at him. James forced his eyes away again when Teddy looked back up at the ceiling and began to absentmindedly stroke his fingers over his own stomach, the skin hollowing with the smallest depression as his fingers ran over it.
“I thought you’d never ask, Jamie, my boy,” Teddy declared. Apparently deciding that his prone position was not sufficiently serious for this discussion, Teddy sat up, giving James a brief glance at Teddy’s taut abdominal muscles before his T-shirt slipped back down, to James’s mingled relief and disappointment.
Crossing his legs in front of him, Teddy regarded James for a long moment with a measuring look, the index fingers of his joined hands propped up against his lips. Sighing, James set down his sketchpad on the bed beside him and stared unblinkingly back at Teddy.
“James, you graduated from Hogwarts over a year ago and you’re still living at home,” Teddy finally said, and James bristled. It’s not like he was thrilled that unlike the rest of his friends, he didn’t really have any goals for the future. Everyone else was off doing apprenticeships or starting off their careers with the Ministry or whatever, but James had never really felt any pull towards any of that.
Being the first-born son of Harry Potter, the Saviour of the wizarding world, he had always felt like people were holding him up to an impossible measuring stick. He was a decent enough wizard, but anytime a spell went wrong or a potion turned the wrong colour, he couldn’t help but notice the look of disappointment that had flittered across his Professors’ faces before they had corrected his technique.
After a while, James had embraced his mediocrity and just aimed to blend in with the crowd when it came to academic performance. But an unexpected side effect of that choice was that when it became time to decide what he wanted to do after seventh-year, nothing seemed to fit. Seven years of just aiming to neither excel nor flounder at any one particular subject is one thing, but the thought of chasing mediocrity for the next hundred or more years in some boring Ministry job seemed unbearable. There was nothing that James felt passionate enough to imagine doing for the next century.
“So?” James asked as he pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around his legs.
“So?” Teddy echoed, shooting James a pitying look that made James bristle. “So, you’re never going to get laid if you still sleep in your childhood bedroom.”
Sadly, Teddy was probably right about that. At Hogwarts, it seemed like hardly a week went by when some couple that was looking for a little privacy wasn’t discovered in an empty classroom or broom closet, but James had never been a part of one of those couples. In fact, he seemed to have the uncanny luck of always being the poor soul that stumbled across the various couplings. There had been more than a few girls that had expressed interest in him, but James always found their giggling and hair-tossing in his direction rather uncomfortable. He thought at first that it was just that he was sure they were only interested in him because of his last name, but it wasn’t until his fourth year when he stumbled across a couple of seventh-year boys in the quidditch changing rooms that had definitely been undressing, but definitely not to get ready for quidditch, that James started to realise that his indifference was rooted in something else.
For the next couple of weeks, the memory of those two boys kissing, with their arms wrapped around each other, had frequently resurfaced. Most often, when James had pulled the curtains around his four-poster and cast a Muffliato charm so that his fellow dormmates wouldn’t hear him. He always started out his wank sessions imagining himself with the stunningly beautiful Ravenclaw sixth-year or the witch in his Herbology class with the large breasts that were visible when she would bend forward over her planter, but it was always that image of the two boys snogging with their shirts off that would sneak into his brain and push him over the edge.
Then one day, he was lazily stroking himself and for the first time, his brain conjured a new image. He undid the closure on the buxom witch’s robe and slid it off, but rather than the generous mounds of her breast, he ran his hands over a flat chest and down over ripples of abdominal muscles. Strong hands gripped his neck and pushed his jaw up and his mouth fused with that of Dougal McBride, the Seeker for the Prides. James didn’t have time to second-guess or question the fantasy, because the wanking session ended abruptly a few seconds later as Dougal reached down and grabbed James’s arse, pulling him close so their bodies crushed together.
After that, James had begun to come to terms with the fact that the problem was not the silliness of the girls his age or that they just liked him because he happened to have a famous father, but that he just didn’t like girls, period. His fantasies grew more and more elaborate and explicit, but they always featured some celebrity or manifestation of his imagination. He could never bring himself to picture himself with someone realistic or that he actually knew. That was, until he’d gone home for Christmas that year.
Just like every other Christmas, Teddy and Andromeda had come over on Christmas morning to join the Potter family for breakfast and to open presents. This tradition had been happening for as long as James could remember, and so he had not seen it coming, but when Teddy had thrown his arms around James and given him one of his patented bear hugs, the thought struck James that, apart from a few extra layers of clothes between them, it wasn’t entirely dissimilar to that moment in the changing rooms that had awoken the recognition of his sexuality. Suddenly uncomfortable, not least of which because he could feel a shift in his trousers at Teddy’s proximity, James had pushed the older boy away with a “get off!” Teddy had given him a weird look, looking hurt, and James had mumbled something about going to the shops to grab some milk and had beat a hasty retreat.
After that, the anonymous celebrities and faceless strangers in his fantasies slowly gave way to Teddy. Each time that James had come with a muffled shout of Teddy’s name dying on his tongue, a wave of shame had washed over him and he felt guilty about what he’d done. But it was nowhere near powerful enough to stop the fantasies, and the next time he wanked, Teddy would once again take James in his arms and worship his body. At first, when he saw Teddy in person, it was incredibly awkward, but gradually James managed to erect a mental barrier strong enough to allow him to act (mostly) normal around Teddy while still allowing the ravenous Teddy that existed in his fantasies to have their way with him in private.
“Girls don’t want to snog some bloke when his parents could walk in at any moment, especially if one of those parents is Harry Potter. To be honest, they’d probably try to snog your dad,” said Teddy.
“Gross, don’t make me think about my dad snogging some random girl. It’s bad enough that he and my mum still do that,” James said, purposely not correcting Teddy about his assumption that James had any desire to snog a girl. And it was true: despite being together for almost two decades, the two of them still behaved like a couple of lovesick teenagers. Barely a week went by that James didn’t walk in on them snogging in some random room of the house. Even his own room wasn’t safe: just last week he caught them sucking face in his room after they’d got distracted while flipping his mattress.
Teddy laughed and reached forward to pat James on the knee. “I think it’s sweet that they’re so gaga for each other, even after all this time. But my point is, it’s time for you to get out there and explore the world.”
Teddy sat up straighter and pinned James with an intent stare, and James sat riveted, waiting to hear what Teddy had to say. Maybe Teddy was going to suggest he and James get a flat together. James felt nauseous at the possibility, wanting desperately for that to be the next words out of Teddy’s pale pink lips, but knowing that the fact that he was so aware of Teddy’s lips was probably a sign that it was a bad plan.
“Now, don’t have a knee-jerk reaction and say no to my proposal before you hear it,” Teddy said, pausing to wait until James nodded in agreement before he continued. “I’m being sent to Iceland in September to help mediate a treaty renewal between the Trolls and the Huldufólk and I want you to come with me.”
“What? Why would I go on a Ministry trip? And besides, I don’t know anything about elves or trolls. How could I possibly be of help there?” James scoffed as he wrestled down his disappointment that Teddy wasn’t proposing that they become flatmates.
“I don’t want you to come because I need your help. I want you to come because I want your company, and I think it would be fun for you. Iceland is really cool!”
“I don’t want to sit there and twiddle my thumbs while you and the other Ministry people negotiate the treaty. I’ll feel like an idiot.”
“There’s not going to be any other Ministry people. It’s just me going.” James drew Teddy a surprised look and Teddy nodded. “The relationship between the Huldufólk and Trolls has been degrading for years now. The last time it got this bad, the trolls triggered those volcanic eruptions that affected air travel for large parts of the Northern Hemisphere for weeks.”
“If that’s the case, then why are they only sending one wizard? Seems like it might be kind of dangerous. Shouldn’t a whole contingent of you be going?” James asked.
“The Huldufólk aren’t keen on wizarding folks, so they’ve only agreed to the mediation if there is only one witch or wizard there. Plus, we aren’t allowed to use magic while we’re there.”
“Wait, what do you mean? Like… at all?” James cut in.
“Oh! I forgot to mention that part. Yeah, we won’t be able to use any magic while we’re there.”
“I haven’t agreed to go yet, so technically, there is no ‘we’ yet,” James interjected. “But what do you mean we won’t be able to use magic?”
“Ha! You just said ‘we’!” Teddy gloated.
“Consider it a hypothetical ‘we’, and stop changing the subject. What do you mean we won’t be able to use magic?” James pressed.
“I’m not sure what you’re failing to comprehend about this, but we won’t be able to use magic while we’re in Iceland,” Teddy said, shrugging his shoulders as if he couldn’t foresee any problems with that.
“How would we even get there without magic?” James asked. “How would we get around?”
“We’d fly, dummy. And we’ll rent a car,” Teddy explained.
“Fly? As in… like a Muggle? And you don’t even know how to drive!”
“Actually, I do! I’ve been taking lessons for the last few weeks from one of the muggle-born witches in my department,” Teddy puffed out his chest as he spoke, obviously proud to be able to claim this very rare skill amongst wizards.
“Why don’t we just take a Portkey?” James insisted. He may not have agreed to go, but there was no way he could resist the temptation of the invite and so much time alone with Teddy.
“I told you why: the Huldufólk aren’t keen on wizards.” Teddy stared at James, who stared back looking just as confused as he was 10 seconds ago. Sighing, Teddy elaborated, “Can you name one Icelandic wizard?”
James combed his mind for any recollection of an Icelandic witch or wizard while Teddy gazed at him expectantly. Not even a single name or even vague memory would come to him and Teddy grinned triumphantly. “So what? You know I was never great at History of Magic. I spent more time sleeping during Binns’s class than I did awake.”
Teddy laughed, “Yeah, you and everyone else. But the reason you can’t think of any Icelandic witches or wizards is that there aren’t any. When I said that the Huldufólk aren’t keen on wizarding folks, I really meant it. Witches and wizards were chased out of Iceland back in the 11th century and there hasn’t been a permanent settlement there since.”
“Oh,” James said lamely, feeling rather stupid for not having known that. Iceland was not all that far away, after all. But then a thought occurred to him, “But what about muggle-borns?”
“That’s a bit tricky,” said Teddy. “When a witch or wizard is born in Iceland, the elves can sense it. In the best of situations, the entire family agrees to relocate off the island, but in other cases the children are taken away by the elves.”
“Taken where?” James asked. Surely Binns had never covered this in History of Magic, because James was sure he would have remembered this. Then again, he knew from their exams that they must have studied multiple Goblin Rebellions, but he definitely didn’t remember any of those either. Binns had the uncanny ability to suck all the fascination out of even the most shocking of historical events.
“Sometimes they were sent to live with a magical family in Ireland or England, if word of the child happened to reach them, but for the most part, the children were sacrificed,” Teddy explained.
“That’s horrible.” James couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for those poor parents to have their children taken from them.
“Yeah, it is,” Teddy agreed. “Fortunately, that’s pretty rare nowadays. It used to happen all the time before the Ministry was able to establish a consistent line of communication with the Huldufólk, though. There are lots of Icelandic folklore stories about ‘lost children’ being sheltered by the elves that are still told to this day.”
“So why is the Ministry even bothering? Sounds like they don’t want to have anything to do with us,” asked James.
“It’s in everyone’s best interests, Muggle and wizard alike, if this treaty can be successfully renegotiated. Elves have very powerful magic at their disposal and part of the British wizarding society’s safety is dependent on maintaining good diplomatic relationships with the free elves. A flare-up in the tensions cut off Muggle international travel for weeks, and the Ministry is trying to avoid a repeat or something even worse occurring again.”
“I suppose,” James conceded. The more Teddy had explained the reason for the trip, the less excited James was by the idea of it. A diplomatic mission in which he couldn’t even use magic was not exactly the most tempting of vacation prospects.
“Look, just think about it, okay? I’ll be able to get you a passport and the necessary identification documents, but I’ll need to know if you’re coming in the next month to get your Muggle identity all set up in time.” As if he could read James’s mind, he continued, “I know it sounds like it’s just going to be a bunch of boring diplomatic stuff, I promise it will be fun. The treaty talks should only take a week or so, and the elves have granted us a two-week visa, so we’ll likely have a whole week for ourselves, just to explore the country.”
“And the… Huldufólk,” James took a stab at pronouncing the unfamiliar word for the first time, “they’ll be alright with us gallivanting all around the country?”
“Yup, don’t worry about that. We have free rein to go anywhere, just as long as we don’t use any magic. They wouldn’t take too kindly to us breaking our word on that, which is why we will need to leave our wands here.”
Teddy shot James a nervous look, as if he was sure this would be the dealbreaker. It was ingrained within every young witch and wizard that one should never be without their wand. James cast an instinctive look over at his pine and phoenix feather wand that he got when he was eleven years old. He still remembered, to this day, that feeling of completion that washed over him when he held his wand for the first time. Since that day, he’d never been farther than a few feet from it.
James bit his lip and turned back to Teddy to see a look of disappointment grow on him. “Look, just promise me you’ll think about it, okay? I really do think it would be good for you to get out there and explore the world a bit.”
“I’ll think about it,” James agreed.
Teddy crawled up the mattress to sit beside James, leaning back against the headboard with his legs stretched out and crossed in front of him. “What are you drawing right now?” James grabbed for his sketchpad before Teddy could get to it and Teddy grinned mischievously at him. “Hmmm, suspicious behaviour. Do you have some naughty drawings in there or something?”
Teddy moved to grab the book from James’s hands and they began wrestling. Teddy’s head was so close to James as he tried to crawl over James and get a hold of the sketchpad that James imagined leaning forward the tiniest bit and nuzzling his nose against Teddy’s neck.
Fighting the overwhelming temptation, James grunted, “I’ll show you, just get off, would you?”
Teddy halted his pursuit and retreated, settling back against the headboard. Teddy grinned, satisfied, over at James, looking entirely unaffected by the tussle they’d just had. If only James could claim the same. Shifting to sit up straight again, James was grateful for the cover of the sketchpad as he set it down on his lap and searched for the page with the family sketch he’d been working on.
“Jamie, that looks amazing,” Teddy said in a low whisper of awe as James tilted the sketchpad to give Teddy a good look at it. Teddy leaned closer, his attention riveted on the paper and James took the opportunity to study the way Teddy’s hair was just a little longer than usual, the tips of the hair behind his ear curving up to graze the back of his lobe. “Is it for your mum?”
“Yeah, for her birthday next month,” James confirmed. He pulled his gaze away from Teddy to study the picture. In it, his dad was almost in profile as he was turned to gaze lovingly at James’s mum, who had her arms outstretched to rest on the shoulders of James and Albus, who were standing in front of their parents. In front of them stood Lily, who was grinning up at the viewer with a toothy grin that was short one tooth. James had used his mom’s favourite family portrait as the basis of the drawing, and James’s eyes immediately picked out all the flaws he’d made in the rendering. “It still needs quite a bit of work.”
“What? What do you mean?” Teddy asked, shooting James and incredulous look. “This looks just like that picture that your mom has framed down in the sitting room.
James started pointing out all the flaws that still needed to be fixed. “Lily’s grin is a little skewed to the left here and dad’s hair isn’t quite right and—”
“Stop being so hard on yourself. Your dad’s hair looks perfect. Well, I mean, it looks like a chaotic mess, but that’s what it always looks like,” Teddy said, grinning.
James let out a small laugh. It was true. No matter what he tried—and his mum had tried nearly everything —his dad’s hair defied order and reason. James had always had trouble with recreating the random chaos of his hair, the strokes of his pencil always looking far too considered to reflect the reality of the subject.
“You could sell your art, you know? People would pay a lot of money for portraits like this.”
“Nah, this is just for fun,” James said, closing the sketchbook and tucking it between the mattress and the headboard. James always hated showing people his drawings. He was always so self-conscious about them, only able to see all the mistakes and flaws, convinced that people were just feeding him platitudes when they complimented them.
“There’s no rule that you can’t have fun while also making a living. Come on, dinner should be ready soon. Let’s head downstairs.” Teddy scrambled off the bed and then hauled James after him, pulling James through the door and down the hallway. “Hurry up! We have to get down there before your brother uses all the cheese sauce!”
~*~
Two Weeks Ago
“Socks! Do you have enough socks?”
James rolled his eyes as his mother darted over to his dresser and grabbed an armful of socks which she then shoved into the already overflowing backpack sitting beside him on the bed.
“Mum. Mum! I’m only going to be there for two weeks. I don’t need to take every pair of socks I own.”
His mum ignored him as she unzipped one of the pockets on the side of the bag and managed to squeeze a rolled-up pair of socks into the already full pocket by sheer force of will. “What if you’re posing in front of one of those waterfalls and you fall in. You’re going to need dry socks.”
James sighed, leaving her to it. He would let her get out some of her nervous energy by filling his backpack to the point of exploding now, and then he would just unpack everything she’d crammed in there later.
“I’m really going to be fine, mum. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Of course I’m going to worry about you,” his mom said, grunting a little as she leaned her weight down on the pocket she was trying to snap closed. “You’re my baby.”
“I’m nineteen. And besides, Lily is actually your baby,” James said, turning the page of the Iceland travel guide that he’d purchased in preparation for his trip. Aside from the Blue Lagoon (which James had insisted on) and the Iceland Phallological Museum (which Teddy insisted they visit), they still hadn’t worked out exactly what their itinerary was going to be, so James was skimming the travel guide to see if there were any sights that they absolutely could not miss. Gullfoss and the Strokkur geyser were now added on to his list and he was hoping that Teddy would be game for driving the Ring Road all the way around the island.
“You’re all my babies. You’ll be my babies until the day I die.” She finally admitted defeat and she sat down heavily on the bed, with the truly enormous backpack between them and two leftover sock bundles in her hands. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I know I’m acting like a crazy person. It’s just that this is the first time one of you will be so far away and I’m panicking a little.”
“Mum, we spent most of the year at Hogwarts and you didn’t make this big of a deal about it.”
“Yeah, but I was comfortable with that. It’s something I understood and was familiar with. It wasn’t as scary as this is. You’re about to fly off—in one of those Muggle airplanes, no less—to somewhere I’ve never been before. I don’t know what to expect from that.”
“You can expect one or two postcards and then I’ll be right back here. You won’t even have a chance to miss me before I’ll be back in your hair,” James promised, giving his mum a reassuring smile.
Her brows drew together in concern before she reached out and leaned across the burgeoning pack to put her hand over his forearm. “I know that I’ve been hovering a bit the last few days, but I really am happy for you. I want you to have fun. You don’t have to worry about me or your dad. I want you and Teddy to enjoy your time there and just… seize the moment.”
“Yeah, alright,” James agreed, her sincerity making him feel uncomfortable. She was acting like he was leaving to go on a journey around the world rather than a short two-week trip that was only a three-hour flight away.
“You can’t even imagine how nervous I would be about this trip if you weren’t going with Teddy. Knowing that you two will have each other is the only thing that’s preventing me from freaking out completely… or tagging along with you,” Ginny said.
There was a knock and James looked up to see his dad standing nervously gripping the doorframe. “Can I come in? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Mum’s already insisted I pack a month’s worth of pants if that’s what you’re here to talk about,” James said, sighing at the thought of going through another parental meltdown. Harry shot Ginny a confused look and she just shrugged in answer.
“No, that’s, um… that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” Harry stepped into the room and looked around for a place to sit. He studied the chair that was in the corner buried under a huge pile of dirty clothes, magazines, and other assorted detritus but decided it was not worth the effort and instead pulled out his wand and conjured a utilitarian wooden chair. Taking a seat, he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and studied his hands, which were holding a banana.
“I probably should have had this talk with you earlier, but since you won’t be taking your wand, I want to make sure that you know how to protect yourself,” Harry said. James thought his dad wanted to give him some self-defence tips or something, but then he continued, “When I gave you the sex talk before, we covered all the protective spells and everything, but since that won’t be an option for you while you’re in Iceland, I wanted to make sure that you know how to use one of these.”
Harry pulled a small square foil package from his pocket and James stared at it in horror for a few moments. He had never more sincerely wished that the ground would open him up and swallow him whole than in this minute. The original talk when he was thirteen had been bad enough, but the idea that his father would think that a nineteen-year-old man would need this discussion was mortifying.
Ginny apparently had not been given any advance warning that Harry was planning this, because she looked just as shocked as James was. “Harry…” she began, trailing off as James groaned.
“Dad, you can’t be serious!” James cried before collapsing backwards so he was prone on the bed, grabbing his pillow, and burying his head under it.
“James, there’s no need for this to be embarrassing,” Harry began, but James cut him off.
“It’s not embarrassing, it’s mortifying ,” James muffled squawks came through the pillow.
“We wizards may be immune to sexually transmitted illnesses, but there’s still pregnancy to worry about and—”
“Harry, I don’t think this is necessary,” Ginny said, cutting her husband off. Turning to her son, who was still hiding beneath his pillow, she asked, “James, do you know how to put on a condom?” James didn’t say anything, but the pillow moved along with his nod. “Good,” James could hear the sound of one of the zippers releasing, “then we’ll just leave these here for you. You probably have more than enough socks anyway.”
“But Gin—” Harry began, but his wife cut him off again.
“Come on, Harry. James still has a lot of things to do before he’s ready to leave and we need to get Albus and Lily all packed up and ready to go back to Hogwarts.” James still wasn’t willing to risk reemerging from beneath the snowy-white pillowcase, but he could tell by the shuffling sounds and the diminishing volume of his mother’s voice that she was herding his dad out of the room.
“If you have any questions, I’m here to answer them,” his dad called out as Ginny pushed him out of the room and James waved him off.
James laid there motionless for close to a minute before there was a soft, tentative knock on his door. He lifted the pillow to see his mum standing at his door looking sheepish. “I just wanted to apologise to you. Apparently, both of us are kind of spinning out a little about you leaving.”
“It’s only a two-week holiday, mum,” James sighed, repeating the same assurance that he must have given at least two dozen times already in the last two weeks. His parents were behaving as if they might never see him again; it was ridiculous.
“I know, it’s just that it feels like a herald of change. Soon you’ll be moving out permanently and it’s just hard.” His mum looked upset for a moment, but then she forced a reassuring grin on her face. “Anyway, I promise we’ll try to keep the weirdness to a minimum from now on. Do you want me to close your door?”
Sitting up so that he was leaning back on his elbows, he nodded. “Thanks, mum.” Ginny gave him one last wistful look as she carefully pulled his bedroom door shut. James took a moment to look around and study his childhood bedroom. Although the Martin Miggs and Quidditch team posters had gradually been replaced by band posters and art prints that he was particularly attached to, not much else had changed in it over the years. The bed was still pushed up against the wall, and James chuckled to himself as he remembered how he used to enjoy rolling himself up in his bedcover and try to squeeze himself down between the mattress and the wall; eventually, he would start to feel stuck and he’d call out for help and his mum or dad would come in and rescue him.
On the opposite wall, only a step or two away, sat his dresser and a fresh wash of embarrassment rose up in him when he remembered the day that his mother had been putting away his laundry and had found his tattered old copy of Azkabuns. He still hadn’t fully come to grips with the fact that he was gay back then, but had started tentatively exploring the possibility. He’d found the contraband magazine discarded beneath the Quidditch stand one day and had used the distraction of the match to sneak away and grab it. Too scared of being caught with it while at school, he’d secreted it away to the bottom of his trunk and had not dared to even open it until the Christmas holidays.
Unfortunately, what he did not account for was something as banal as laundry. He’d walked into his room to see his mum leafing through the glossy (and somewhat sticky) pages of the magazine and they both stopped dead in horror. His mum had quickly dropped the magazine back into the drawer where she had found it and had tried to talk to James, but he refused to listen, running out of the house and not daring to return until it was long past dark and the choice had come down to dying from embarrassment or from hypothermia. Embarrassment just barely won out.
To his relief, though, his mum never tried to bring it up directly with him again, but she would often hint at it, tiptoeing around the subject as if testing the strength of his avoidance. He never did open the door to talk about it with her though, even when he did finally come to grips with the fact that he was gay. He knew that she would be supportive when he did finally feel ready to come out to his family, he just wasn’t there yet.
From then on, she just left his clean clothes neatly stacked on the end of his bed.
James just sat there, letting the memories from his childhood play out in his mind for a few minutes as a faint sense of sadness slowly inflated within him. He supposed that his parents were right. Maybe not now, but soon he would be moving out of this room and it was weird to think that it would no longer be “his”.
But today was not that day and, sighing, he turned his attention back to the massive backpack sitting beside him. Unzipping each of the compartments, he pulled out the countless bundles of socks and started putting them back into the dresser where they still belonged.
~*~
Two Days Ago
“This has to stay between the two of us, but I just have to say… those Trolls smell to high heaven. If anyone asks me to willingly lock myself into a room with a Troll again, I’m going to have to politely decline,” Teddy said before he leaned back and took a drink of his beer.
They were sitting out on a patio in the downtown heart of Reykjavik, enjoying the early evening sunshine. James was a little disappointed that they weren’t here in July; he’d love to be able to witness the long days with only a handful of hours of darkness each night. Still, with it being September, there was still a generous twelve to thirteen hours of sunlight, which was certainly more than he could expect to be graced with back in England, so he would gladly take it.
James tipped his head back and let the sun’s rays fall directly on his face, enjoying the tingling warmth in contrast to the temperature, which was just cool enough that a light spring jacket was needed.
“The treaty is almost all sorted though. We should get the final pieces sorted out tomorrow morning, and then you’ll have me in your hair for the next twenty-four/seven.” James knew that Teddy felt guilty about leaving James on his own since they’d gotten here, but James hadn’t minded. He knew that, ultimately, this was a work trip for Teddy and he didn’t begrudge him that time. James had more than kept himself amused by spending countless hours walking around the city. He’d taken a free walking tour and learned all about how many of the Muggles in Iceland still believed that the Elves were real (he’d chuckled at that, little did they know how close that was to the truth) and the difficulties that were introduced to dating when you lived on an island with such a modest population (someone had even developed a program for mobiles so that you could quickly check to make sure you weren’t related to someone before making a drunken mistake even more disastrous.)
James’s sketchbook was filling up fast, to the point where he was starting to be concerned that he didn’t pack another one. He had spent the last few afternoons parked on this same patio which he particularly enjoyed because he could watch the bustling crowd of locals and tourists mingled together as they wound in and out of the shops lining the street. The waiter had even started to recognise him, passing James his freshly prepared latte with one sugar even before James had opened his mouth to order it today. Flummoxed, James had stammered out a thank you as the blond waiter gave him a playful wink.
He’d spent the rest of the afternoon sketching random people that caught his attention for some reason: a woman in a brightly-coloured yellow hat, a man wearing a double-buttoned vest and breaches who James thought must be a tour guide of some sort, a little girl with a helium-filled purple balloon tied to her wrist by a long piece of string. A few times, the waiter had come over and had tried to engage James in conversation, asking what he was drawing. Unsure what was happening at first, it wasn’t until the third time, when the waiter came over and casually mentioned that he and his friends were planning to go dancing tonight at one of the local clubs, that James had realised he was on the receiving end of a flirt.
He had to admit that the man was quite attractive. His hair was very blonde and arranged in artful disarray. James was sure that it was supposed to suggest haphazardness, but probably took a great deal of time to achieve. His teeth were also almost impossibly white and straight and he was quite tall, which felt positively towering when he was leaning down over James to take a look at the sketchbook. James was sure that if the man ever decided to leave Iceland and relocate to London, he would have men flocking to him. Here, though, he almost seemed to blend in—James didn’t think he’d ever seen so many blond-haired, blue-eyed people congregated in one place.
But still, James couldn’t deny the way his heartbeat stuttered when he spotted Teddy making his way across Austurvöllur square, bobbing and weaving around huddled groups of tourists. Which, he supposed, was a blessing because the waiter’s coy demeanour had quickly fizzled away when Teddy had taken the seat next to James and helped himself to a handful of chips off James’s plate.
“James? Yoo-hoo! Anyone in there?” James jumped as a soggy fry slapped against his sunglasses and flopped to the ground.
“Do you mind?” James groaned as he took his glasses off and tried to wipe the grease off with his napkin.
Teddy didn’t display even the tiniest shred of remorse as he grabbed a replacement fry off of James’s plate. “Oh good, at least I have your attention now. So, are you sure you want to go to the Blue Lagoon tomorrow? I’ve heard it’s really touristy. There are lots of other hot springs that we could go to instead.”
“But I’ve already booked us the tickets,” James said, feeling a little self-conscious. Sure, he’d read that visiting the Blue Lagoon was a very typical thing for a tourist to Iceland to do, but that must be for a reason, right? If it was terrible and boring, why would so many people do it? Besides, he was a tourist.
Teddy didn’t say anything right away, his brows furrowed as he studied James for a few moments before he said, “It’s too bad we can’t use any of our magic here. Now what would be really amazing is if we could Apparate in after closing and have the whole place to ourselves.”
James took a moment to imagine that: him and Teddy, alone, in very little clothing, ensconced together in a cloud of mist from the heat of the water rising into the cool night air. For a second, he hoped Teddy was serious and was suggesting they risk it, but then Teddy continued.
“But still, it will be nice to take a nice long soak. Maybe it will give me a small sliver of a hope of being able to wash off this Eau de Troll.” Teddy lifted his arm and sniffed theatrically at his forearm, his nose wrinkling up and earning a laugh from James.
“Your burger and fries,” the previously flirty waiter announced as he reappeared from over James’s right shoulder. He set the plate down in front of Teddy with a little more force than required, a sharp rap sounding as the ceramic plate clashed with the metal mesh tabletop. Teddy looked confused for a second before shrugging and picking up the fry that teetered over the edge of the plate up from the table and biting into it. The waiter turned to James, turning his back entirely to Teddy and blocking him from sight. “I’m off in ten minutes, but I wanted to give you this. Just text me if you want to join us tonight.”
James reached out tentatively to take the folded up piece of paper from the waiter’s hand, feeling flummoxed when the waiter bent his fingers around James’s and held on. “I’d love it if you’d come,” the waiter said, the seemingly innocent statement positively dripping in suggestion and innuendo.
James shifted in his seat, cheeks flushing as the waiter continued to stare intently at him for a beat before eventually releasing his hold on James’s fingers and letting their hands slip apart. “Thanks. I’ll… um… think about it,” James mumbled, looking away quickly and purposely not looking at Teddy to gauge his reaction to what had just happened.
The waiter sidled away and James studied the scattered sesame seeds on his plate, tracing constellations between them in his mind and pointedly not looking at Teddy. Eventually, he decided it would probably be even more suspicious if he never looked at Teddy again and that he would have to face the other man eventually. Besides, he was probably being ridiculous. That was nothing really. Teddy probably hadn’t even noticed.
He looked up to see Teddy grinning at him. “That guy was totally hitting on you!”
“No, he wasn’t,” James was quick to protest. Before he could stop him, Teddy had plucked the little piece of paper out of James’s hand and was unfolding it. James leaned over and tried to grab it back, but he only managed to knock into the table and send their beer sloshing over the edge of their glasses and onto the table and earn himself a couple of dirty looks from an older couple sitting next to them, so James resigned himself and righted himself in his seat.
“It looks like Kristján has requested you call him,” Teddy said gleefully as he held the paper up for James to see the name and a string of numbers scribbled in black ink.
“Well, obviously that won’t happen,” James shrugged, snagging one of the fries off Teddy’s freshly delivered plate in compensation for his own pilfered side. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t even own a mobile.”
James regretted the words immediately as Teddy’s attention zeroed in on him. “Do you want to call him?” Teddy asked curiously. James could see the fervent desire to grill James burning behind Teddy’s gaze.
“No. If I wanted to, I would have said, ‘I want to, but…’” James hoped that would be enough to appease Teddy, but he had the look of a Niffler on the hunt for gold about him.
“Are you sure? I’m sure our hostel has a phone that we can use. He seemed quite keen on you joining him this evening.” Teddy wagged his eyebrows a few times and James couldn’t tell if Teddy might have an inkling of James’s sexual preference, or whether he was just fishing for a reaction. James shook his head and Teddy studied him for a moment.
Teddy looked unconvinced so James explained, “We were just talking early and he was telling me that he was going out dancing with some of his friends tonight, that’s it. I never said I would go with them or anything.”
Rather than dissuading Teddy’s attention, that seemed to intrigue it even more. “That seems like it could be fun! We haven’t had any chance to get out and check out the Reykjavik nightlife. We should do that before we leave to do the Ring Road!” Before James knew what was happening, Teddy was waving his hand in the air and the cute waiter, Kristján, was walking over.
“Is something wrong with your meal?” the waiter asked, his frosty tone indicating that he really didn’t care either way.
“No, we’re fine, thanks!” James said, looking up and smiling nervously at Kristján, hoping he would take the hint and leave once more.
“Yeah, that’s right. The fries here are really great. Very crispy,” Teddy agreed, and a bit of the ice seemed to melt off of the waiter’s demeanour. “I just wanted to ask where you guys were planning on going tonight.” When the waiter cast a surprised look at James, Teddy continued, “My friend ”—Teddy stressed—“thought it would be fun to experience a night on the town with some locals, but unfortunately he doesn’t have a mobile with him. He was hoping that he could meet up with you somewhere instead.”
Kristján turned to give James a smug look and James flushed. “Of course he can.”
“Would it be okay if my friend here came with me?” James asked, gesturing to Teddy. Kristján looked distinctly less satisfied with this proposition than he had a minute ago, and Teddy shook his head minutely, looking disappointed, like James had dropped a ball he’d just been tossed. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted Teddy there, but he also didn’t want to go alone, and he’d panicked.
“Of course, he’s welcome to join us,” Kristján said unconvincingly. “Do you know the area?”
James shrugged. “A little.” In the past week, he’d probably walked up and down every street in the downtown Reykjavik area and felt reasonably confident that he could find his way around.
“We’re going to grab cocktails at Slipbarrinn first and then we’ll be going over to B5.” When James showed no recognition for those names, Kristján smirked and gestured at James’s travel guide book that was sitting on the table in front of him. James passed it over and Kristján gave it a bemused look. “Most people just use their phones now. We don’t see people with actual guide books all that often anymore.”
“He’s a very old-fashioned type of guy,” Teddy said, laughing at the annoyed look that James gave him.
“Yeah, then where’s your mobile?” he shot back. Teddy just laughed.
Kristján ignored them as he flipped open the book and searched through until he found the page with the map of the downtown city centre. “Slipbarrinn is here,” he said as he pulled a pen out of his apron and put a little black x mark on the map. He annotated it with a “#1” before tracing his gaze over the web of streets until he found what he was looking for, adding a second x with a note “#2”. “And B5 is here.”
He passed the book back to James, who took it and studied the map. He was pretty sure he knew where the first x was, but the second x didn’t immediately ring any bells for him. “I think I know where this first place is; it’s that hotel down by the waterfront, yeah?”
“That’s right,” Kristján agreed. “They have wonderful cocktails made with fresh ingredients, and great food if you’re feeling hungry later.”
“Sounds like my kind of place!” Teddy said before taking a big bite of his burger and groaning theatrically.
Kristján didn’t seem at all charmed by Teddy and he turned back to James. “We’ll probably be there until about 11:00 or midnight, and then we’ll head over to B5 to do some dancing.”
“I love to dance,” Teddy interjected, but James was pretty sure only he would have been able to decipher the sentence through the mouthful of half-masticated burger. Kristján was beginning to look more and more disheartened about the future of his evening and James was starting to feel bad for him.
“Alright, well…” James trailed off, unsure how to wrap up this awkward conversation. “Thanks for inviting us. We do have plans to go to the Blue Lagoon tomorrow, so I’m not sure we’ll want to stay out too late though.”
“Ah yes, that’s very popular with the tourists,” Kristján said and James thought he could detect a trace of judgment in the tone, but maybe it was just the accent. “Well I can personally attest that a relaxing soak in a hot spring is a great way to cure a hangover.”
“I love dancing!” Teddy proclaimed, his mouth now clear of food.
“I guess we’ll see you tonight,” James agreed, giving Kristján a small wave before he turned and left them alone again. “What the hell?” James hissed in a low voice to Teddy.
“What?” Teddy asked, playing at ignorance.
“You really want to spend the whole night with a bunch of strangers? And besides, you have to work in the morning,” James pointed out.
Teddy shrugged, unconcerned. “It won’t be the first time I’ve pulled an all-nighter and, besides, we can’t pass up the opportunity to experience the city with some local guides.”
“I suppose,” James said. Trying to shake the unsettled feeling that had settled inside him, he tipped his head back and basked in the sun.
~*~
Today
“Jamie, what is that?”
James followed the line of Teddy’s arm to where it was pointing, out of the front windshield of their rental and over towards the right side of the road. James was just in time to see a column of water shrinking back down into the ground.
“I’m sure it’s a different geyser,” he said uncertainly, squinting down at the map spread out across his lap. They drove in silence for a few minutes and then the geysir erupted once more. As they got closer, James could see a crowd of people standing in an observation area on the side of the road. A sign informed them that it was, in fact, Geysir, the geysir they had driven away from in the opposite direction two hours ago. “I guess we should have taken a right at that fork in the road earlier.”
James was worried that Teddy was going to be mad. After all, they’d just spent the last two hours driving in a giant circle. On top of that, they had definitely found themselves on one of the roads that the guy at the rental place had warned them to avoid. If they wanted to explore any of the roads leading into the interior of the island, they would have to rent an all-terrain vehicle, they’d been advised. The weird looks they’d received as they’d passed people in tough-looking jeeps in their tiny compact now made a little more sense.
Fortunately, Teddy just laughed and gave James a light smack on the upper arm. “You are a terrible navigator. I’m now officially taking over navigation duties, in addition to driving duties.”
James had to admit that was probably a good idea. He was trying to be helpful, but he was having trouble deciphering the patchwork of tiny lines on the map. It didn’t help that all of the words were foreign to him and impossible to read. Casting a nervous look over at the dashboard, he asked, “How are we on petrol?”
Teddy laughed and turned his head to look at James in the passenger seat. Teddy looked impressively at home behind the wheel of the Muggle vehicle. If James didn’t know any better, he would think that Teddy had grown up around them and not that he’d just learned to drive this year. Teddy’s window was open a bit, the air rushing in and sending the curls of his hair dancing around his head. He only had one hand on the steering wheel, his arm stretched out and resting on the top, adjusting the direction of the car with tiny movements as his other hand tapped out the rhythm of the song playing on the radio.
“We’ve still got over three-quarters of a tank. Relax! We’re going to be fine.”
The combination of being in a new and unknown country and driving on roads that he had trouble identifying was making him nervous. Plus, the rather ominous warning in the travel guide that they absolutely must fill up on petrol at one particular station, which was the last one they would encounter for hours, had James nervous that they would miss it and be stranded in the middle of Iceland on a deserted road. The circumstances weren’t lending themselves to him relaxing.
“I love this song!” Teddy proclaimed, reaching to the console and cranking the volume of the radio up. James wasn’t familiar with the Muggle song, but Teddy’s enthusiasm was, as usual, infectious, and it wasn’t long before James was bobbing his head along to the pop song. He looked over to watch Teddy, who seemed to feel his gaze on him and turned to James, smiling broadly for a moment before belting into the chorus of the song. For the first time in hours, James sunk back into the seat, letting his head fall back against the headrest and watching the barren landscape whiz past the window.
The terrain of Iceland was so different from the rolling countryside of Britain that he was used to, but the starkness of the volcanic island carried a unique beauty of its own. James rolled down his window and held his arm out, studying the way the air streaked over it. He turned his arm just a bit and the flow of air changed just so that he felt the lift, his muscles suddenly rendered unnecessary for holding it aloft. He wished they could have brought their brooms on the trip; he would have loved to soar over the vast emptiness of the interior and look down into the caldera of the many volcanoes it had to offer.
“Wanna go home, wanna go home, wanna go home, whoa” Teddy crooned, snapping his fingers to the song and James laughed at the lyrics which were a direct contradiction to his own thoughts at the moment. Teddy propped the wheel against his knee, freeing his hands so that he could wave them around in the air as he danced along to the song and James laughed.
“I may not have my license like you do, but I’m pretty sure one of the important rules is that you’re supposed to keep your hands on the wheel, you loon!”
Teddy sighed dramatically, but he relented and very deliberately set his hands back on the wheel. “Hands at 9 and 3, just as instructed.”
They drove along for the next few hours, chatting idly between the moments when songs that Teddy (or, occasionally, James) particularly enjoyed came on the radio and one of them would crank the radio up and they’d dance or clap or sing as loud as they could along to it. Every time James spotted a petrol station approaching, he would point it out and Teddy would good-humoredly pull over and top up their tank. James felt slightly ridiculous starting around the fifth stop they made, but Teddy took it all in stride and would come back to the car with some new Icelandic candy for them to try. He wasn’t sure why, but Icelandic people seemed to have a deep love of black liquorice, and they would each take an optimistic bite hoping that this particular product would be the one that made it taste delicious—none of them succeeded.
They’d been driving for a couple of hours without stop when the current song that Teddy was belting out the lyrics to ended and he turned the radio station down. “We haven’t seen a petrol station in a while, so I’m guessing we’ve passed the point of no return?”
“I guess so,” James said, looking down at the map and trying to figure out where they might be. If Teddy was right, then it was probably a good thing that they had stopped so frequently because wherever that fabled last petrol station had been, James had not recognised the signage to know if they had stopped there.
“Look at that.” James was busy scrutinising the map and trying to figure out where the last place he knew for sure they had driven past was and he didn’t look up at Teddy’s words. The map was pulled out of his hands and James followed the line of Teddy’s arm to see that they were just cresting over a tall hill. Stretched out below them on the right was a long stretch of black sand beach with huge chunks of ice sprinkled across it.
“Oh wow,” was all that James could muster, taking in the sight. They descended the hill and pulled off onto a small car park that was situated between the highway and the beach.
“You up for a swim?” Teddy asked and James turned a startled look on him. Teddy managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds, but apparently, the horrified look on James’s face was far too much to take and Teddy broke out into laughter. “Relax, Jamie. I’m only kidding. I think if we went swimming in that water, our testicles would retreat so far into our bodies that we’d never see them again. And I don’t know about you, but I like mine right where they are, thanks.”
James sat there, flummoxed and unsure what to say to that and trying very hard not to spend too much time thinking about Teddy’s testicles. While he sat there trying to get ahold of himself, Teddy opened the door and stepped out of the vehicle. “I thought you said we weren’t going swimming!” James squawked in alarm.
Bending over, Teddy stuck his upper body back into the low frame of the car. “We’re not, but you can’t tell me that you don’t want to get a closer look at those!”
James couldn’t argue with that and he, too, stepped out of the vehicle, pulling on a thick woollen sweater as he did so. The effects of the afternoon sun were at war with a bracing breeze coming in off of the Atlantic and James sucked in a deep lungful of the salt-tinged air.
“Come on, Jamie!” Teddy called, taking off with a loping gait down a small decline and across the beach, leaving a trail of footprints embedded in the dark sand. James followed him, looking back and forth across the beach and enjoying the way the sun’s rays caught the grooves in the chunks of ice and made them sparkle. James realised then that this must be the beach that he’d read about in his guide, but it had not done the sight justice.
He caught up to Teddy, who was sitting in the sand with his back to James. As he approached, he could see that Teddy had shed his shoes and socks and was in the process of rolling up the hem of his denims.
“What are you doing?” James asked. Teddy temporarily abandoned his task to reach over and tug on James’s trouser leg, tugging on it to indicate he wanted James to join him, which James eventually did. “You’re barmy if you think I’m going in there. It’s literally freezing!”
“If you want to get your shoes sopping wet, that’s your call, but there’s no way we aren’t going out on that!” Teddy pointed to what had to be the largest piece of ice littering the beach. It was easily the size of their rental car, and it was sitting right at the cusp of the ocean, the water lapping around the base where it was lodged into the sand.
Teddy’s enthusiasm was infectious as usual and James relented, pulling off his trainers and tucking his socks safety away into them. Without using his hands, Teddy pushed himself up from a cross-legged sit to a standing position and James marvelled at his ability to do that for a moment. He briefly considered attempting it himself, but he didn’t want to make a tit of himself, and besides, Teddy’s outstretched hand was far more tempting. Even better, Teddy kept hold of him and started tugging him down towards the water.
The first tickle of the ocean water on their toes almost had James prancing away back to warmth, but he gritted his teeth and fought against the urge. Teddy was busy studying the smooth curves of the mini iceberg and didn’t seem at all bothered by the glacial temperature of the water.
“I’m gonna climb up there and can you take a picture of me?” Teddy asked, pulling the small digital camera he had bought for the trip out of the front pocket of his trousers. When James gave the camera a dubious look and made no move to take it, Teddy grinned and closed the space between him. “It’s easy. You just press this button to turn it on”—he pressed a small silver button on the top of the camera and the device sprang to life, a narrow cylinder emerging to protrude out of the front of the camera—“and this button to take the picture.” Teddy held the camera up and clicked the shutter, taking a picture of James before he could react. “See, then it comes up here so you can see if it’s any good.”
James looked at the tiny little screen on the back of the camera that Teddy was holding out towards him to see his own face mirrored back at him, only with a surprised look on it. So far, he had avoided having to learn how to use the Muggle device, but he supposed it was time he did. Besides, maybe this would give him a chance to get rid of some of the goofy pictures that Teddy had taken of him the past week. Ever since Teddy had bought the contraption while they waited for their flight at the airport, he had taken joy in trying to capture James at the moments where he least expected it and James was a little worried about what Teddy was intending to do with all those atrocious pictures of him. Knowing Teddy, at Christmas the entire family would be wearing tee shirts with a picture of James scratching his nose on it under their Weasley sweaters (and he was just scratching it, regardless of what it happened to look like in the picture.)
James took the camera and started inspecting the multitude of small buttons with archaic symbols on them, trying to figure out where the delete option was while Teddy began climbing up the huge chunk of ice.
“Merlin, that’s cold!” Teddy shouted as he twisted around to sit on the ice, his feet dangling over the side as he rubbed his hands together and blew into them, trying to warm them. “I really wish I had a warming spell right now.”
“Are you ready?” James asked, abandoning his deletion attempts for now and holding the camera up, positioning Teddy in the centre of the small screen. Laughing, James took several pictures with Teddy sprawled seductively across the ice. They were both having so much fun that neither noticed the steadily creeping tide coming in.
“Okay, now get one with me standing atop it like a conquering hero!” Teddy called as he pushed himself up to his feet. Far from heroic, he pranced around a couple of times, his feet never maintaining contact with the surface for long.
“You should have kept your shoes on!” James called smugly.
“Shut your gob and take the picture!” Teddy called back, standing still long enough to puff his chest out and rest his hands on his hips, his elbows pointed out to the side as he looked off into the distance.
“Just one second, I have to make sure I have it right,” James called as he lined up the shot. The shot was goofy and odd and kind of sexy—quintessential Teddy. He took the picture but didn’t want to take the time to study it on the screen, imagining that Teddy’s feet must be pretty close to icicles themselves, so he was just in the process of taking a few more to be safe when it happened.
Teddy was balancing on one foot, rubbing his other against his leg—no doubt, trying to restore some feeling to it—when a particularly powerful wave came in and there was a groaning sound as the sand shifted around the base of the icicle. Teddy stumbled and fell on his arse, a look of surprise on his face as he processed what was happening. James watched, camera in hand, as the enormous chunk of ice slowly receded away, pulled back out to sea by the retreating water.
“Jump!” James yelled, running closer to the water’s edge. He watched as realisation dawned on Teddy’s face and he scrambled over to the edge of the ice chunk and rolled off the side, dropping down into the already waist-deep water.
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Teddy screamed as he rushed out of the water, the expletive stretching out until he had made it back to James, back onto safe, and dry, land. James put in an impressive battle, trying hard not to laugh as Teddy jumped around the beach, a string of never-ending cuss words flying free as he tried to wriggle out of his sopping wet denims. It was fortunate that they had the whole place to themselves.
“Doesn’t the car have a heater?” James asked, barely stifling a laugh.
“Genius!” Teddy exclaimed through chattering teeth and without another word he turned and started running back up the beach towards their parked car, waterlogged denims trailing behind him and leaving a dragging trail in the sand.
James gathered up both of their shoes and followed after, still trying to regain control over himself. By the time he made it back to the car, Teddy was inside with the car running and was holding his hands in front of two of the vents. James climbed into the car and they sat in silence for a handful of seconds before James lost the battle and he burst into laughter. Teddy gave him a salty look at first, but when James showed no sign of stopping anytime soon, Teddy melted into his own uncontrollable laughter and the two of them sat there in the increasingly steamy car for a long while.
“If anyone comes along, they’re going to think we’re having sex in here,” Teddy chuckled, placing his hand against the window where a thin layer of precipitation had formed. He streaked his hand down the window and James knew he was replicating the famous scene from that old film they’d watched together.
That sobered James up and he choked a little, his laughs immediately morphing into several sharp coughs. “We should probably get back on the road. I think we’ve still got a ways to go before we get back to civilisation.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah.” James didn’t have the courage to look Teddy in the eye to see if he could identify the strange note in his voice, so instead, he busied himself by reaching into the back and grabbing the bright yellow plastic bag with the deranged looking pig on it.
“This has got to be the ugliest mascot I have ever seen,” James noted, taking a minute to study the animal’s different sized eyes and goofy grin. It looked as if the pig had found its way into a supply of whisky. Still, he was glad that they had thought to make a stop at one of the island’s discount supermarket chains before they’d hit the road. If he only had petrol station black liquorice-flavoured candies to eat right now, he’d be tempted to tell Teddy they had to turn back around. “Do you want the ham or the egg salad?”
Teddy pretended to contemplate the decision for a moment before, inevitably, taking the egg salad. James couldn’t understand what the appeal was; even as a kid, he had always hated egg salad. Grandma Weasley’s was more tolerable than most, but even then James thought it was a perfectly good waste of eggs. He knew that it was Teddy’s favourite though, so James made sure to grab it as an option when they’d been shopping, and he would suffer in silence as the smell inevitably filled the car.
After they’d had a quick bite to eat and Teddy had fished out a fresh, dry pair of trousers from the boot, they resumed their journey around the ring road, sparkling diamonds of ice gradually fading away in the distance of their rear window.
After a few hours, the sun eventually relented and dropped down below the horizon. The darkness felt all the more oppressive, as if it had to make up for all of the time it lost to the day. They kept the radio blaring, but eventually their frivolity leached away and they no longer crooned along to their favourites.
They drove on as the paved surface of the road gave way to gravel and James turned on the overhead light to study the map, wishing not for the first time that he had his wand and could deploy a simple Four-Point Spell right now. Uncertainly, he said, “I think we’re still on the right road.”
“It’s not like we’ve turned anywhere, so I’m sure we’re fine,” Teddy agreed, but he reached out to the console and turned down the radio, studying the road intently.
They didn’t say much as the gravel road gave way to a curve, leading into a narrow switchback road that lead them steadily up the side of a steep mountain. The air in the car was tense as Teddy focused carefully on the road. Nervous, James looked out the side of his window to see a few feet of the mountain fall away, only inches from the road’s tires, before darkness engulfed it.
James had felt a feeling of unease steadily bubbling up in him as they continued their drive. It had been hours now since they’d passed another vehicle, or even seen another living thing. Even the sheep that grazed in the fields lining the highway had abandoned this place. It felt like he and Teddy were the only two living beings left in the world. But now, carefully winding their way up the treacherous switchback, James felt a perverse sense of relief: he was convinced that there was no way two Muggle vehicles could squeeze past each other, at least now without some sort of magical enchantment, like the famous Knight Bus.
“Talk to me. I need something to distract me,” Teddy said, almost a whisper. James looked over to see his white knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel. Teddy always seemed to take everything in stride, like he knew he was indestructible and that he had faith that everything would shake itself out in the end. But now, every line of his body was strung taut, a bundle of potential energy that was moments away from snapping.
“Ummm, like what?” James asked.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” Teddy said. “Something you’ve never told me before.”
James flipped through his memories, trying to find something that would fit that description. He and Teddy had been practically inseparable for as long as James could remember. One of his earliest memories was of Teddy teaching him how to ride a broom when James was barely out of diapers. Teddy had been the first person James had told when his magic had escaped out of him for the first time—in fact, he’d hidden out at Teddy’s house, afraid that he would be in trouble when he’d sneezed and Aunt Muriel’s gravy boat, which was in the shape of toad with the gravy pouring out of the slightly-parted mouth, had exploded in a shower of ceramic chunks (fortunately, his mum had assured him that he wasn’t in trouble and, in fact, she was glad they wouldn’t have to use the disgusting gravy toad anymore.) He’d emergency Floo’d Teddy when he’d woken up with sticky bedsheets for the first time, and Teddy assured him that he was perfectly normal and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. Teddy was the only person that knew that he had been disappointed when he’d sorted into Gryffindor; he’d wanted to be in Hufflepuff with Teddy, even though the rest of his family was thrilled that he was continuing the Gryffindor family tradition.
Through his whole life, Teddy had been a steady confidant, mentor and friend for James and James had never hesitated to go to Teddy about anything. Except, just as that thought occurred to James, he realised that it wasn’t actually true. There was one thing that he’d never been brave enough to talk to Teddy about.
James didn’t know if it was the fact that they were ensconced in the lone cocoon of light, buried in the deep dark of night, or whether it was this trip and his growing suspicion that Teddy already knew his secret. Maybe it was just that he’d been carrying this information around inside him for years and the weight was becoming too much to bear. Before he could think too much about what he was doing and reconsider (perhaps he really did belong in Gryffindor), he charged ahead.
“I’m gay.”
James knew from the lack of surprise in Teddy’s response that he must have already known. James thought he would be relieved, but weirdly it kind of just made the knot of nerves in his stomach bunch even tighter.
“How long?” Teddy asked.
James huffed. “Since I was born, I assume.”
“No,” Teddy said, shaking his head while his eyes never left the road. He was sitting up straighter now though, his knuckles not quite as white on the wheel, so I guess James’s choice of distraction was working. “I meant, how long have you known you were gay?”
“Oh, right. Um…” James hedged, wondering how much detail he should go into. And then, before he knew what was happening, the entire story was spilling out of him. He wasn’t sure how long they drove on, the treacherous switchback easing back into a straight road with the occasional soft bend, gravel turning back into pavement, while James unburdened himself. Teddy looked much more relaxed now, sitting back in the seat with his hands settled casually on the bottom of the steering wheel.
Now that the stress had passed, James probably should have stopped his blathering, but Teddy was listening so intently, every so often piping up with a small question or clarification, that James just kept letting the whole story pour out of him. He hadn’t realised before how heavy he had felt, holding all of this information inside him, but now that it was spilling out of him, it almost felt like he was floating. He’d asked his father once what it felt to take Felix Felicis and his dad had told him it felt like you were walking on clouds; no concern on Earth strong enough to tether you to the ground. James had always thought that it must be like the feeling you get when you’re flying up so high that all you can see is clouds, but now he understood. Flying was exploring an area you were never meant to see—this was knowing you were always meant to be there.
He told Teddy just about everything, but there was still one thing he held back, his one tether to the Earth. And that was his feelings for Teddy. A reckless part of him wanted to throw every last shred of caution to the wind and open up his heart fully, but he just couldn’t do it. Gryffindor or not, he was not brave enough for that.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Teddy asked when James fell silent.
“I don’t know, Teddy, I just… I’m sorry,” James said finally.
“Don’t apologise,” Teddy answered. For the first time since James had started, Teddy looked away from the road. James could feel his gaze without needing to look. James turned to look out the window, waiting for Teddy’s rebuke. James figured he deserved it, for keeping such an important part of himself secret from his best friend. “Did you think I wouldn’t understand? That I wouldn’t want to hang out with you anymore?”
James bit his lip, betrayed by the darkness outside which was turning the window into a mirror, Teddy’s face staring back at him. James wasn’t sure what to say. If anyone had asked him that, he would have said they were ridiculous, but he couldn’t deny that there was a small worm of doubt wiggling away inside of him. “No, that’s not… maybe,” he finished in a low whisper.
It’s not like he really thought that Teddy would take the news of him being gay so badly that he would banish James from his life, but you never really knew how someone was going to react, not with total certainty. The risk, even as small as it probably was, that he would no longer have Teddy in his life was too horrible to imagine and it probably did keep him locked in silence for as long as he was.
Teddy didn’t say anything right away and James started to fear that, rather than the fact that he was gay driving them apart, his lack of trust in Teddy’s character had. Nervous, he chanced a quick look over at Teddy to see his brow furrowed. Rushing to repair the damage, he stammered, “I’m sorry, I ju—”
“I thought I told you not to apologise,” Teddy said with a forced lightness that didn’t match the complicated tangle of emotions pulling at his face.
“Sorry,” James muttered, the corner of his mouth twerking up in a ghost of a smile. It got the response he was looking for, as a little of the tension smoothed out of Teddy’s face.
“I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell me, and I’m sorry if I ever gave you any reason to think you couldn’t,” Teddy said.
James could hear the sadness underlying Teddy’s words and he felt guilty that he’d put it there. And guiltier still that there was still that veil of secrecy between them. Wanting to lighten the mood, James said, “If I’m not allowed to apologise, then neither are you. Deal?”
Teddy’s features smoothed out and his lips spread in a genuine smile. “Deal,” he agreed, taking his hand off the wheel and holding it out for James to shake.
“And just so you know, there’s really nothing you could tell me that would get rid of me,” Teddy promised lightly. “Well, unless you tell me you’ve got the hots for that showboat seeker that plays for Portree. That guy is such a pillock.”
“He may be a pillock, but he could crack a walnut between his butt cheeks,” James said, fishing for a reaction. He wasn’t particularly a fan of the ginger-haired seeker, far too reminiscent of the family colouring for his tastes, but he knew how much Teddy disliked him and James enjoyed the surprise that was quickly replaced with disappointment in Teddy’s face. It was strange how quickly it felt natural to talk to Teddy about this. His only regret was that he’d waited so long to tell him.
“Well now I’m worried for you,” Teddy said somberly. “You have abysmal taste in men.” Teddy managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds, but it wasn’t long before he cracked and he gave James the same wide, goofy grin James was so used to seeing. The grin that never failed to lift your spirit, no matter how low they had sunk; a bright light in a world full of darkness.
On the contrary, James’s taste in men was spot-on.
“Oh my god, Jamie, look!” Teddy said excitedly. James turned to look out of the front windscreen where, in the distance, a small pinprick of light could be seen. “We made it!”
It had only been a few hours, but it was strange how much relief he took from that small sign of humanity chasing away the darkness. They chatted excitedly as the light grew as they approached and they pulled off the road into a small parking lot on the side of the road. It was nothing more than a hamlet, a small grouping of homes with a petrol station just off the highway, but it was a welcome relief. Teddy was a reasonably skilled driver, but James wasn’t sure whether he knew how to change a flat or deal with any of the myriads of other misfortunes that might have befallen them out there. And being without magic had made James even more edgy and nervous, knowing that he wouldn’t have that ingrained part of him to fall back on.
Teddy pulled into a parking spot directly under the light and turned off the engine. James had the urge to climb out and bask directly in the glow, as if it were the sun. In that moment, there was nowhere else he would rather be than parked right there under that glowing beacon of hope with this person. Before he could stop himself, he felt the words bubbling out of him, set free by the relief of the moment, “Teds, there’s one more thing I have to tell you.”
“Yeah?” Teddy asked, looking just as relieved and giddy as James himself felt.
James cast around for the right words, but couldn’t find them. Actions always spoke louder than words, though, so he unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to Teddy, steadying himself on the parking brake as he leaned closer and closer. He wanted to give Teddy plenty of opportunity to stop him—even though he was pretty sure that would crush him—so he didn’t rush as he closed the distance between him.
He didn’t even realise that he had closed his eyes until he was taken by surprise when Teddy grabbed his head and pulled him closer, bringing their lips together in a kiss that set off a glorious display of fireworks inside his head.
The kiss couldn’t have lasted that long, but the time felt disproportionate to the importance. In mere moments, his life felt both upheaved, and yet more steady at the same time. Teddy pulled back slowly, running his fingers back through James’s hair and behind his ear. Neither of them said anything for a moment and then Teddy chuckled.
“I take it back. Maybe your taste in men isn’t entirely abysmal.”
I couldn’t agree more
, James thought as he leaned in closer to reclaim Teddy’s lips once more. They had a lot of lost time to make up for.