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It was all useless…
No matter how much he tried…
No matter what he did…
his best did not count…useless, useless, useless…
“It was a mistake…I…I’m just not cut for this…” a lone figure whispered in the dark room, servo’s clenching around his long arms - almost denting the thin plating there – as several tremors shook the lean frame. He did not bother with checking his inner chronometer to know what time it was, or since how long he was sitting, locked up here since he… “Frag it…” he hissed and would have thrown something against the wall, should there still been something within reach which was not already on the ground, dented, spilled or shattered.
Useless, failure…coward…
Egoist, ignorant, coward, failure…
…useless…
He could not stop listening to the treacherous whispers in his processor which always seemed to change in tone frequencies, having started out as enemies he had been confronted with in the past, Galvatron, Tyrest, but with time...now some of those poisonous whispers belonged to those he had failed…
They had trusted you and were forced into their own demise, you killed them…
You are the murder…
Murder, useless, failure, coward, murder, shameful, killer, disgrace, murder…
The voices hissed at him, making his frame shake with new tremors as he tried to force the coolant in, biting back a new sob.
Unworthy…failure…
Shame of your title…disgrace…
…a mistake…
He was not a Prime, but a stuck up, arrogant brat who did not listen to those much wiser than him! He always did what he wanted, some of his decisions worked out just fine, by others he had people to help him set things straight again, mostly Drift and Magnus…
…though now he was without his holds…
The darkness of the room seem to grow with each klik more ticker and threatening, the air grew cold as if icy servos, the servos of those he had failed grab him, to pull him deeper into the cruel darkness. He did not fight their freezing hold, he could not fight them anymore.
Failure…useless…mistake…murder…
Give up…
No one was there to grab his servo…
Murder…useless…disgrace…killer…murder…failure…
Give up…
Drift had been ripped from him, his best friend was not here anymore and Magnus…a few droplets of coolant slipped from the now dull blue optics, derma biting into lip plates. The mech he had secretly admired was nothing, but a lie!
An illusion, you don’t deserve happiness…
Give up…
“Oh, shut up already” a sudden, sharp voice startled the figure on the berth, it was a familiar tone frequency, but it was impossible! “And may I inquire what you are doing, wallowing in self-pity and letting these fraggers get to you?” the voice was still sharp, annoyed and oh so familiar. He wanted to reach out, seek the familiarity, but he did not dare moving till his helm was pulled up roughly by the chin, forcing him to look into icy blue optics.
Optics he thought he would never see again…
Without any second thought he threw himself at the figure, pulling up against the familiar frame as much as his own allowed it. The voices stopped at the others angry bark, but now he felt all alone, the darkness of the room lessened, the claws withdrew and he just wanted to be close to someone.
He wanted this feeling of loneliness gone from his spark!
“Ho…how…?” he managed to get out, his tone a small bit static from the sobs he had forced back for the past breems, his answer was a sad smile.
“Sorry, I’m still gone and this is kind of a ‘getting some sense knocked into your scrambled processor’ type of visit with no second round.” the other said while pulling the mech closer, knowing that Rodimus had finally noticed that he was not able to hear the pulsating of a spark behind the white chassis, he also must have by now noted the lack of an EM field.
“I…I see…” thought the arms around him did not allow the younger to pull out of the embrace which if possible become even tighter, he felt so real... was he by any chance having a flux? He would not even be surprised if that would be the case.
“Would you stop with the whole depression thing?” the white mech snapped, cycling a heavy vent while glaring down at the one in his embrace. “What happened to the confident, bordering on plain arrogance mech I knew?”
“Drift…”
“Rodimus I mean it, you are holed up in your room after having left the one mech who is the best for you.” the ex-Con snapped as he felt the other’s EM field fill up with sadness, pain and fear.
“Magnus…he is…is not real it was all a lie…” Rodimus finally broke out, the mech whom he had often relied on, the one who constantly stood beside him and was his stronghold; even more after he had lost Drift, was nothing more than an illusion. He wanted for everything to turn back how it was, all of them together as a mismatched crew on their ship with the universe passing by…he wanted for all to be back as it was…
“Oh, please this is your ground for rejecting him?” the almost growled and exasperated question made the Prime look up at the other, but quickly averted his optics again, like a sparkling having been caught doing something bad. “Please, we never know whom our spark picks in the end, yours had picked him.” Rodimus shook his helm vehemently, his hold still desperate around Drift, as if he would let go he would fall into nothingness. A small part of Rodimus wanted to listen to his friend, but Magnus was not Magnus.
“He is not real…” Rodimus protested, each word tearing at his spark, the poisonous whispers trying to rise anew, but at Drift’s growl they dissolved again into smoke and lingering shadows.
“Pfh, and only because his true designation or frame is different? That mech has put up with your antics since this odyssey started and even now tried to explain himself to you when you decided to act like a coward” Rodimus flinched at the word “he would not have tried to speak with you if he did not care and besides, I know that he was the one you were thinking about in our little friends-with-benefits arrangement, just as I have also thought about someone else.” the last part of the sentence was spoken with a tint of warmth Rodimus had never truly heard from the former Decepticon, but he had a guess who he was referring to before remembering. “Yes, Wing is with me and for the first time I’m positive that I can forget my past in Rodion and all of which had hurt so that only the good remains, but for you is that still on the Lost Light.” Drift said in a tone as if addressing a new spark.
“He is…”, but Drift broke him up.
“He is still in your office, looking dejected and not sure if he should follow you or leave you to calm down, in hindsight the latter option is not advisable in your state.” Drift told the other while looking at the burnt orange-yellow mech. In the time he had been allowed to get to know him he started seeing the young Prime as a friend, to a great deal foolhardy and proud which brushed towards arrogance, but he had a good spark and cared about others. If he keeps on listening to those whispers he would be lost to the Unmaker and that would be a terrible shame.
When he was still online had he always been mistrustful and vary, always expecting underlying motives in others gestures , giving his trust only rarely seeing how those who truly cared about him had also been rare, Wing, Ratchet, Rodimus, these three were the most prominent ones. Two of them were with him now, but the third should stay where his happiness is also residing, just like his own was in the All-Spark! The knight had at the start of things annoyed him, he thought him naïve and weak for being so trusting, but in the end it was this gentleness and fierce determination to give him a chance that had been the aspects which had drawn him to the jet and now no one could separate them. He did not want his friend to wait such a long time before experiencing the joy of finding the one who makes one complete.
Mostly not, if he is in danger of losing his other half out of his own foolishness!
“I…I still can’t face him…” Drift let out a frustrated growl, the other was being difficult again though he may have not even stopped acting like this since he got here, but this time were his antics self-destructive.
“Now you listen to me Rodimus” Drift hissed as he grabbed the stubborn mech by the shoulders and drew him closer, their face plates only inches apart. “Sure, that is an armour you have talked, annoyed, spent time with and crushed after, but the personality and the spark are his and perfectly real. In simple speech, stop with your sulking, yes things are fragged up, yes many of our friends have joined the Allspark” he ignored the flinch, concentrating to get his message across to the stubborn mech “and yes it does not seem to get better anytime soon, but this is no excuse for you to just FRAGIN GIVE UP! Those of us who are gone now are free and happy, not one of them blames you for that what had happened! I should know, I talk with them in the light and I can assure you that I got full permissions to kick your aft if this is what makes you see sense. Ratchet even wanted to borrow me a few of his wrenches for good measure.” the last comment finally drew a small smile to Rodimus’s derma which on the other hand made Drift also relax a small bit.
“The…they rea…really don’t blame me?” he asked his friend with a hopeful glimmer in his voice frequency and EM.
“Why the frag would they?” he asked before turning serious again. “Now turn around and get your aft into your office and be your usual spontaneous self.” he said with a smirk while pushing the mech all, but out of the door of his quarters, ignoring the angry hissing of the treacherous voices. Let them hiss and rage all they wantm this time Primus was the winner and not his deprived twin and his lackeys.
“Drift?” Rodimus called out one last time from the still open door.
“What is it?” he asked with a smirk.
“Tell everyone hay from me.” Rodimus replied with a grin Drift had often seen on the Prime’s derma when he was about to do something outrageous before racing away as if Unicron himself would be running after him and the ex-Con felt like snickering.
Maybe he could push his visiting time out a bit to see what the other was planning on doing, though he knew that this would not work out as he felt a familiar pull, seems as if Wing was getting impatient with him being still gone from his side.
“Possessive knight” he remarked fondly, as if he could already hear his mate chuckle at the familiar sentence.
With a smile he turned around to return to the light, but before his frame faded fully away he still heard a familiar voice drifting up from the end of the hall, embarrassed and spluttering, though with a clear touch of relief.
RODIMUS! WH…WHAT IN PRIMUS NAME GO…GOT INTO YOU!? D…DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY REGULATIONS YOUR SHAMELESS BEHAVIOUR IS BREAKING AND WE ARE IN YOUR OFFICE!!
Ooohhh, he really would have liked to see what Rodimus had done, but Wing was already calling him.