Chapter Text
Be a good friend. Care about whom you love most. They might be gone before you know.
What would you do when your best friend just had one more month to live?
***
The doctor words stabbed into his heart.
“Lung cancer, final stage. We are sorry, but no treatment for him. We can just keep him alive for one more month before the pain takes him away.”
Bastian was sitting beside a lifeless Philipp, with tubes attached to his small and pale body. He could barely hear his friend faint heartbeats, his dying breath. He could not move. Feelings hit him like waves. Philipp was still so young, why did he have to suffer?
He blamed himself for many things: For not having cared about his best friend enough, for not having noticed the symptoms, for his ignorance. He was too happy and carefree to even look back and see how Philipp was doing. He shouldn’t have believed those answers “I’m fine.” from Philipp. He should have seen this coming.
But for that moment, he knew that reality was reality. He could do nothing to keep Philipp here. The realization hit him like tons of bricks, the image of a funeral he had attended some times ago flashed back to him, he remembered about that cold November with a talent never rose again. He shut his eyes tightly, a painful feeling crept in his tired mind. He wanted to cry, but he had never cried since that cold November funeral.
A small tug on his fingers woke him up from his thoughts. He turned to see Philipp blinking, his breathing short and shallow; he looked at Bastian, tried to say something desperately. The whole scene broke Bastian’s heart.
“I’m here, Fips.” He grabbed the smaller man’s hand with his own. “Relaxed.”
Philipp nodded, tried his best to breathe in and out. “What did the doctor say?”
After all, that was his first question. This made Bastian feel much worse. He did not know how to answer: How could you tell your friend that he was dying?
Philipp saw Bastian’s face expressions changed, and sighed. “Oh, I understand.”
The younger man could not hold back anymore. “Why did you hide your sickness, Fips? Why didn’t you tell me? When did you stop telling me all?” Even he knew the answers for all those questions; he wanted to hear what was on Philipp’s mind.
“I have my own reasons, Basti. The less you know, the less it will hurt.” Philipp replied dryly. Bastian’s heart was broken after those words.
“Fips, I…”
“Don’t say anything, Basti.” Philipp cut him off. The only sound in the room at that moment was Philipp’s faint breathing.
***
The next day, Bastian came to see Philipp. The smaller man was sitting up; pillows were around to support him. Bastian walked to his place, slowly sat down on the hospital bed, took Philipp’s hand on his own and looked at the other man’s eyes.
“Why are you here?” Philipp asked, hint of ice in his voice. “I thought you were too busy at work.”
Bastian froze. “I am absent for today.”
“For what? Don’t talk nonsense.”
“Fips, please don’t let me-“
“I know that finding a job is hard for you, and now after just three days you are absent to go to a dying man? I can’t understand that!”
Bastian could not hold it longer. “Stop, stop it! Just stop it! Fips, can you just stop hurting other people who care for you? Can you just- Fuck, I don’t know how you get the power to keep hurting people with your I-am-always-right and All-I-do-is-for-the-best, but, fuck, Fips, I’m fed up! I’m fucking tired of this, of holding my feeling this long!” Bastian felt his face heated with anger and pain after each word. “I never want to be like this, to do this and say this in your… your last month, but I have to! Please, Fips, just, please.”
Philipp blinked twice at the younger man; he was shocked at the reaction. Had he been that bad? Was he a bastard?
The pain in his chest increased slightly as he coughed repeatedly. Bastian gently hold him, helped him lie down on the hospital bed.
They stayed silent for a while. Silence was never a pleasant experience, for them.
“I’m sorry.” Bastian spoke up, avoided Philipp’s questioning gaze. “I should not have said that. I know that you just do what you feel right.”
Philipp nodded, let out the heavy brick that was on his chest. “It’s okay, Basti. I’m sorry too. It’s like being in this state makes me lose my nerves. I never want to hurt people, Basti. You know right?”
Bastian did not answer; instead, he leant in closer and hugged Philipp. Time was just counted by days, so he was not shy anymore. He just wanted to spend as much time as possible with Philipp. Sometimes he just wished everything was not real, this world was not real… Sometimes he dreamt of Philipp’s dying breath, the image haunted him night by night. He did not want to face the truth that his friend might leave him at one time. The pain, it was so real. So fucking real.
***
Day 1
“How was your sleep?” Bastian smiled politely at Philipp, who was just opening his eyes.
“I’m okay, Basti.” Said Philipp. “You come early.”
“Just want to watch you sleep.” The other man answered softly, holding Philipp’s hand.
“Oh, snap.” He laughed.
None of them mentioned about the number of days Philipp would be here.
Day 2
“Hey, Fips.” Bastian greeted him after a hard working day.
“Basti.” Philipp’s eyes lit up with happiness. “How was work?”
“Very well. I am working on some project with Manuel and Thomas.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
Things went on with short, awkward conversations.
Day 3
“Hello?”
“Basti?”
“Oh, Fips.”
“Wanna talk?”
“Alright. Isn’t Manuel with you?”
“He has gone home a minute ago. I just can’t sleep.”
“Hmm. So what do you want to talk about?”
“Anything.”
“Alright, let’s talk about football maybe? Bayern Munich is such a bomb!”
“I know. They are like a storm, destroy everything on their way.”
The conversation went on easily.
Bastian had never felt Philipp so open to him like that. He had thought Philipp was unreachable, but he should make up his mind after this.
Day 7
“You still come early.” Philipp commented, glanced at Schweini behind his newspaper. Bastian just simply sat down next to him, pat on his knee. “Anything interesting?”
“Nope. This is just a tabloid anyway.”
He looked through the window. Sunday morning with lots of warmth and bright lights.
“Do you want to go out for a walk? I think it’s so exhausted just lying here all the time.” Bastian suggested, held a hand out for Philipp.
“Sure.” Philipp answered, took Bastian’s hand and walked with him outside.
They were walking, fresh air burning Philipp’s lungs. He smiled bitterly at his own condition – so weak, so lifeless. Bastian had his arm around the smaller man in a gesture of comfort, their heads touched slightly.
They sat down on a bench nearby, Bastian still wrapped his arm around Philipp’s waist, and after thinking a bit, Philipp let his head rest on the younger’s shoulder.
“You know, it’s kind of weird that we are close friends, but we do and say things like we are new to each other.” Philipp murmured next to Bastian’s ears.
“I know, but- well, I don’t know how. Aren’t you uncomfortable with it, Fips?”
Philipp shook his head. “No, I’m happy to have you here. I just wonder-“ He did not finish his sentence, but Bastian understood what Philipp was about to say. I just wonder what our relationship was like, since we cared about each other but too afraid to say that aloud.
Their hands found each other’s, locked. They did not say anything, just enjoyed the moment, afraid to break it because the chances they had were too little.
The days went on like that: Bastian stayed in the hospital, took care of Philipp, talked to him, watched films with him on his mobile, brought them something to eat, saw the doctor do some check-ups on Philipp. Manuel and his friend Thomas had come to see how Philipp was doing, and all was good, or that was just Bastian pretending. He never wanted to think about that day – the day that a light of his life went away.
It was late in the evening, only Bastian was left with Philipp. Philipp’s eyes felt heavy, his lungs felt empty as he needed oxygen to breath. Bastian sensed that, he gently put the oxygen mask on Philipp’s face, grabbed his hand, comforted him.
“Bastian,” Philipp looked at him with those weary blue eyes. “will you stay?”
“I don’t know. Do you want me to stay?”
Philipp nodded, moved himself to one side of the bed and point on the empty space next to him. “There is still room.”
Bastian smiled weakly, still held Philipp’s hand. “Oh Fips.” He took of his shoes and coat, slid in the bed with Philipp. People would look at them with curiosity, he knew, but Philipp wanted him to stay, and it did not matter.
Day 15
“Guess what, Fips! Manuel had officially come out his love with Thomas! Damn, these two, I’ve always know there is something between them.” Bastian yelled happily, bouncing around the room and hugged Philipp. “You have to see the others’ expression – priceless!”
Philipp smiled at Bastian, pressed a small kiss on his cheek. He hesitated before actually asked his friend, “Do you think we have something too?”
Bastian smile faded, he did not know how to say it. “Yeah, are we something?”
“We are.” They both laughed, forgot all the bad days ahead for a moment, before reality came back to them.
Bastian ran a hand through Philipp’s hair. Radiotherapy was not so pleasant, Philipp’s hair got thinner through times, and the treatment just helped him lengthen his days left. He did not complain though – when life became impossible, he just wanted to spend as much time as possible with Bastian.
Bastian sighed silently, didn’t want Philipp to hear it. He knew the days were numbered, and counting the days left had become an impossible work for him to do.
He had never seen Philipp this beautiful, this tough. He realized that he was so ignorant before. And in that moment, he knew that Philipp was so precious to him. Why hadn’t he thought of that before? It was the bitter truth: When you are going to lose someone, you realize how wonderful they are.
Day 21
“I think you should take him home. On the last days, nothing is better than being in your own home, not in this hospital.” The doctor said, looked at Bastian.
“Last days” – those words. Sharper than any knives.
Bastian nodded.
“Fips, let’s go home.”
Philipp had been more than ready for the moment to come. “Right.”
He had lost most of his hair, and seeing himself in the mirror had been a horror. He knew he looked pale, weak, and lifeless. The last few days, he could not even breathe – if not for Bastian, he would have thought he had gone. But he still stayed strong, not really, but that was an enormous effort, and Bastian knew it.
Day 25
“Do you want something to eat, Fips?”
“No, I don’t feel hungry, Basti.” Philipp shrugged, eyeing the blonde. “A cup of tea will be okay.”
Bastian nodded, handed the cup to Philipp. The signs were getting clearer – Philipp had not eaten anything since two days ago, he just slept to avoid eating and to avoid Bastian’s worried looks; plus, his breathing became very terrible, unstable – long breaths mixed with shallow ones. Philipp’s body temperature had decreased, his skin felt cold, wet and clammy against Bastian’s hands. Bastian felt hopeless. He knew that the day was going to come.
This was just too fast.
He had prepared mentally for this, but still. He could not help thinking about it. He didn’t dare to say it out loud.
“Bastian.” Philipp spoke up. “Thank you. For everything.”
Bastian felt tears started to fill his eyes, his heart was so heavy. In the past days, he had been closer to Philipp, and he could not help feeling something towards the older man. Maybe it was love. And that was so tragic: he fell in love with someone who would never be with him. Why he hadn’t fallen for Philipp sooner, or never felt anything towards him?
Philipp understood Bastian’s feeling, he had it as well.
“Bastian, don’t blame yourself, your heart. Everything just happens, you know. It’s not anyone’s fault.”
“Fips…”
“Come here. Hug me.” He paused a little. “Kiss me.”
Bastian was not sure what he was hearing, but with Philipp spreading his arms, waiting for him, he nodded and come to the smaller man.
Their kiss was so strange, so pure. Bastian could feel Philipp’s painful breathing against his lips. He was scared. Of what? He did not know. He just knew that he loved Philipp, and the other man loved him back.
It was funny – life could never be so equal.
Day 28
Philipp had that dream again.
He was walking to the gate leading to infinity, looking back to see Bastian’s tears.
He knew the time had come. Time could just be counted by hours, minutes, seconds.
He coughed. Blood stained the white sheets as Bastian appeared at the door, looked more worried than ever. “Oh God, Fips!”
He received the glass from Bastian, downed the liquid in one take. Bitter taste spreaded in his mouth, his lungs, his blood.
They did not say about it. Both of them could feel it, but the heartbreaks would be terrible. Philipp just wanted to stay with Bastian, and Bastian just wanted to make Philipp’s last moments comfortable for his love.
“Remember when we were still rivals? Oh, I had told you that you were a bastard, and you just laughed at me, called me asshole. I missed those times. I loathed you that time, but not anymore now.” Philipp smiled weakly, lying in Bastian’s arms, feeling the other man’s heartbeats, thinking bitterly about his own.
“Fips, funny that we are attached to each other now.” Bastian tried to form a laugh, but failed miserably. “Life is weird.”
“I agree.”
“I…”
“Hmm?”
He could not finish the sentences – that was not the right time for some pinky things. But if he didn’t say it, he would regret it for the whole life.
“I love you.”
“I’ve always known.” Philipp said, kissed on Bastian’s cheek. “Ich liebe dich, Bastian Schweinsteiger.”
They just lay on the bed, hugging each other, could not let go. The whole scene was loving, but also heartbreaking – a person was trying to hold his life before it flied away, and another person could not do anything better.
“Bastian, I’m sleepy.” (I could not say I was going to faint and my head really hurt.)
“Then sleep, Fips.” (I knew what you wanted to say.)
“What if I…” (…never wake up again?)
“I will always be here for you…” (…though I don’t know how I will handle it.)
“Goodnight, Basti. Love you.”
“Night, Fips.”
***
The next morning, Bastian woke up after drifting off for a while; the first thing to do was looking at Philipp. Bastian touched his veins, felt nothing but the cold skin touching him back. He could not feel anything, he did not know what to feel.
He hugged Philipp again, placed a small kiss on his forehead. Philipp still looked like an angel, still looked like he was sleeping. A peaceful expression showed on his face – how did he feel in the last moments? Bastian wondered.
He slowly slid out of bed, felt so empty.
Pressed the numbers on his phone, he called the doctor first, then Manuel.
***
There were not many people at the funeral. Bastian was grateful to that. After all, Philipp’s wishes for his own funeral – not many people, simple, and his important friends came – were granted.
Bastian slowly carried himself in front of Philipp – that was such an exhausted journey, and started his speech.
“Philipp, right here, right now, I just want to say that I miss you so much. We all miss you. You were wonderful. You were fantastic. We never wanted to be in this situation, but life is life, things happen, no one to blame. I have been thinking of you for the whole day, missing your voice. I don’t know what to feel, my friend. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I love you, so much. You know it, right? I know I make the worst speech ever, but… Really, I miss you. How I wish you were here.
After all, I realize that, if you love someone, care for them, because they might be gone before you know. Fips, thank you for everything. I promise you that I will never hurt myself, or the people I love. I love you, Fips. You will always be in my heart.”
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here.
Pink Floyd, “Wish You Were Here”