Chapter Text
The second Gibbs said the name of the dish Ziva had made for her dinner party I realized what had happened. Everyone had been invited except me.
"I think I know when I am not welclme. Ziva I'll take a rain check on that dinner. Never. I'm headed home for the night Boss." I then grabbed my bag and stalked off to the elevator, making sure not to jostle my hurt arm. Once I had slammed my bag into the trhnk of my car I got in and locked all the doors before screaming to try and release the built up emotions in my chest that were making it hard to breathe. It didn't help, it made it worse. I drove home haphazardly.
I trudged up the stairs to my apartment and locked the door before I collapsed on my couch and didn't move.
I woke up the next morning with a very sore neck and someone pounding on my door.
"Open up, damn it!" Gibbs called. I stumbled over and unlocked the door to open it. "I want you dressed and in my car in ten minutes DiNozzo." He snarled before marching away. I knew he wouldn't take any crap, and that only his definition of crap counted. Well I had ten minutes and I knew exactly what to do with it. I locked the door and ran to my pack. I grabbed my work knife and ran to my bathroom where I locked the door and slide down to wall to sit. Without anymore hesitation I ripped the blade up the insides of my arms from wrist to elbow. The knife clattered loudly to the floor as my grip became weak. My vision faded out slowly.
"Tony..." I heard the call like it was a whisper and I chuckled weakly.
"Too late. And I'm not sorry." I coughed. It was too late... too... late... too... beep... beep... beep... beep.
"Tony I am so sorry. I didn't realize what I did was so horrible, but I know now and I am so sorry I did this to you." It took a couple minutes, but I finally recognized the voice.
"Ziva, it's 'kay. You didn't shoot me." I mumbled.
"Tony? I am calling the doctor to tell him you are awake." While Ziva was talking to the nurse I cracked open my eyes. I was in a soft bed and I was warm. There were bright lights above me.
"So you finally woke up, that's good Tony." I glanced over to see Dr. Pitt. I grinned loopily at him and he came over to bend over me.
"The transfusions worked well, the stitches are holding and your blood pressure is back to a normal level for you, in a few days you will be able to transfer." Brad stepped back and only then did I realise he had been poking at my forearms.
"Tranfer?" I asked in a scratchy voice.
"To Bethesda Naval Psychiatric Hospital." Brad nodded. I stared at him for a long moment.
"Has NCIS change their protocol on psych evals after a shooting?" I asked with a half grin.
"No Tony, but attempted suicides are quite serious. Your director fought to get you treated at the naval base rather than a civilian hospital, so take that into consideration and do your best to get better while you're there." Brad then stepped from the room leaving me with a horrible sinking sensation in my stomach.
"Is that why Gibbs isn't here?" I asked Ziva. "I thought I was shot... but he would be here if that's all it was. I tried to kill myself and so he isn't going to sit with me." Ziva reached over to take my hand and while I felt her warmth my hand felt numb. I felt light headed and my vision greyed out before Ziva could say anything. I must have passed out from the shock.
@#$$#@
"You're transfering today. Good luck and I will be very happy to see you when you are doing better." Dr. Pitt murmured. I felt hollow inside and to me he seemed like a cardboard cut out, not real anymore even though I had thought of him as a friend before.
I went with the two attendants from the naval base, they seemed more like guards to me as they sat on either side of me in the back of the white van. The van went over a large bump and the resulting crashing sound brought up the image of my arms bleeding heavily as my knife slipped to the floor. I freaked out and they sedated me quickly. I spent the rest of the ride quoting movies that were about insane people. The doctor on base was Dr. Sam.
"Dr. Sammy." I whispered.
"Yes Tony?" he asked gently.
"I see dead people." I whispered. He didn't appear to understand it was a quote and he wrote a note down. After that I stayed quiet, I needed to get out and prove to Gibbs that I was strong.
@#$$#@
Tim and Abby visited every week, but after the fourth visit where I quoted A Beautiful Mind too many times Tim stopped coming. Abby came every Sunday like I was a part pf her religion. The only thing I hated was that if I asked about Gibbs she would immediately leave. Those were the nights I cried myself to sleep. After twelve weeks they asked Abby to stop coming.
@#$$#@
"I believe it would benefit you more to be transfered to a civilian hospital. There you won't be reminded of the navy or your old job." Dr. Sammy told me. I was transferred the next day and that was the last time I spoke more than one word sentences.
@#$$#@
"They told us you were doing better here, without all the reminders. All I can see is that you truly are broken now." Ziva told me. I smiled and hugged her while humming my favorite cartoon theme song, from the one about the animals that could walk and talk like humans. I then showed her what I did every day, because my doctor told me to and he knew what he was doing, because he was a doctor.
"Ziva... visit." I frowned. "Tomorrow?" I asked. Ziva hugged me and when she pulled back her eyes were misty.
"Of course I'll visit tomorrow Tony. I'll bring Abby too." I lit up happily at that thought and went back to drawing the same pair of blue eyes that haunted my dreams every night.
@#$$#@
"It's been weeks and he improves every day with your visits. We are just worried because he has nightmares and cries himself to sleep and screams for a man named Jethro." My doctor was talking to Ziva around the corner and they didn't know I was there. I huddled against the wall with my arms wrapped around my very thin waist.
"Gibbs was our boss at NCIS. He never asks about Tony. I am afraid to tell Tony that Gibbs found someone. Gibbs married four times in the past, all women, but this time it is a male and he could be Tony's twin. He has asked Trent to marry him." I sank to the ground and screamed.
"No! No! No!" I screamed hitting my head back against the wall with each scream. I was sedated and carried back to bed.
"Oh Tony." Ziva whispered as I curled around a pillow, sobbing desperarely.
"Go 'way. Stay 'way." I sobbed. Her hand touched my shoulder but I flinched away and she left without another word.
@#$$#@
I heard shouting in the hall. I heard my name. I shuffled out into the hall with my arms wrapped around me like always, I pretended it was someone else's strong arms around me.
"Minnie?" I asked softly. My nurse spun and took my arm as she tried to pull me back into my room.
"Come on Tony, right now is not a good time for you to be here." She murmured gently.
"If you think I'm letting you near him after all this time you had better get your own head checked. He's been here nearly a year and you haven't called or visited. Did you know he screams for you when he wakes up from nightmares? Did you know he cries himself to sleep, rocking and muttering your name? No you didn't know because you didn't care. I am not letting you destroy what little is left of my patient's life. Get out." My doctor was nearly yelling at someone. I looked back and met two ice blue eyes with my own.
"J-Jethro!" I cried. I ripped away from my nurse and dashed down the hall smiling and laughing as I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him tightly. "You've come to get me out? You know I hate hospitals, the food here is awful." I laughed against his shoulder as I curled my body against his.
"Jesus DiNozzo. You're thin as a twig." Gibbs muttered as he tried to push me away. My doctor gently pulled me back and I happily grinned at my old boss while ignoring my reflection in the mirror next to him.
"Tony Mr. Gibbs isn't here to take you away. He was just leaving." My doctor tried to steer me away, but I refused to move.
"DiNozzo I came to show Trent that he is not your replacement like everyone says." I grinned and shook my head.
"That's cause no one can replace me, right boss?" I asked happily bouncing on my toes.
"No DiNozzo, its because there is no one to replace. I am marrying Trent. You are staying here where you can be taken care of by professionals." Gibbs lifted the hand of my reflection that he was holding. I smiled when I saw the masculine ring set with emeralds. Then I saw a thin scar crossing the back of the hand. I frowned and looked down. My hand was not scarred there. My muscles all gave up at the same time and I hit the ground like a sack of bricks while my mind was completely and utterly blank, saving me from the emotions I knew should be hurting me.
"No." I whispered.
"NO!" I screamed. I sat up so quickly I fell of the soft bed I was on and landed on the ground. I shuffled back into a corner and curled up.
"Tony, love?" A soft male voice asked through the darkness. I looked up to see two soft blue eyes peering at me from only inches away. Finally the dream melted away and I realized that it really had only been a dream. I launched myself into the arms of my lover and sighed in content as those strong arms wrapped around me.
"It was that stupid dream again. The one where I tried to kill myself and you married my evil twin that doesn't really exist." I mumbled against his shoulder.
"That's the sixth time this month. Tony I think we should see if you are sick, not mentally." He hurried to say when I stiffened. "Illness can make dreams more vivid." He explained. I nodded and buried my face in his neck. Jethro pulled me back into the bed and curled me up against his chest. "Tony I will never replace you, I promise. There are a thousand reasons why, but two are the most important. The first is I have you here right where you belong. There's no reason for me to look anywhere else. And second I love you with all my heart." His hand gently brushed through my slightly shaggy hair.
"I love you too Jet." I mumbled against his skin. "I'm sorry I'm so needy." I snuggled closer as his arms tightened.
"Tony I will never get tired of telling you that I love you. I need to feel needed so its good you are needy." I laughed softly which was what he was going for.
"I'll never get tired of hearing that you love me, but Jet, will you make love to me?" I asked timidly. Jethro didn't answer instead he lifted my face to his and kissed me slow at first, but when he flipped us so I was under him his lips became demanding and possessive. I whimpered into the kiss as he started to undress us both. By the time he pulled back to let me breathe we were both naked. His hands guided my legs to part and before I even caught my breath two fingers, slick with lube, were slipping inside me. I whined as he scissored his fingers and soon the teasing was too much.
"Jet, please! I need you now... gah!" I grunted when he gripped my waist and yanked me down towards him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and even though he tried to enter me gently and slowly I tightened my legs around him and forced him into me quickly. I arched and moaned very loudly, causing him to chuckle which made me blush. I met his warm loving gaze and blushed brighter. "I needed to feel it." I explained. He nodded and bent to kiss me again as he began thrusting. No words were spoken as he pounded me into the mattress. I was so loud I was blushing the whole time, but I didn't break eye contact with him. My nails were dighing into his shoulders and must have been hurting, but he seemed spurred on by it. When he began nailing my prostate with each thrust I knew he was close. I arched and whined and whimpered, but he didn't relent.
"Please! Let me come. Let me come!" I whined through my clenched teeth finally closing my eyes as my head bucked back. I knew better than to touch myself, Jethro like to see me fall apart from his cock alone.
"Say you'll marry me." Jethro grunted back. My eyes flew open to meet his heated gaze. I nearly screamed in pleasure when he hit my prostate again and at his grin I knew my answer.
"Yes... yes always yes forever yes!" I cried out. Jethro thrust one last time and as my body clenched and bucked I felt his heat fill me up. The world disappeared behind a blanket of fuzzy white light and when I came back to earth Jethro was sliding back into bed and pulling the blankets over our suddenly clean bodies.
"Ah, you are alive again. You told me you had gone to heaven and it wasn't as interesting as you thought it would be." Jethro laughed. I blushed and hid against his chest. He held me securely and as we drifted to sleep I realized something.
I was quite content.