Archive of Our Own

PART ONE: A BROKEN HEART

Minho leaves quietly.

At first Jisung doesn’t even realise the meaning of it.

The thing is Jisung is not even supposed to be home right now. Work had ended surprisingly early today. As a producer he usually ends up staying longer at the studio than the registered work hours allow anyway, but the musicians he had worked with today were professional and very skilled. A few discussions later, the recording process hadn’t taken long. Jisung had been able to leave sooner than expected.

That’s how he finds himself in front of his apartment’s open front door, the one he shares with his boyfriend Minho.

Curious and cautious, Jisung peeks his head into the open doorway.

Boxes. Cardboard boxes. In a corner a suitcase. Next to the apartment door a big gym bag.

Dread settles in his ribcage.

Then, Minho.

From around the corner his boyfriend appears with one more cardboard box in his arms. He comes out of their shared bedroom and stops in the middle of the open living room when he spots Jisung in the doorway. He visibly gulps, breaks their eye contact and blinks his eyes nervously around the apartment and the boxes. Jisung knows the gears are turning in his head to try and explain what’s going on.

“You… You’re not supposed to be home right now,” Minho settles on, just as shaky as the way his eyes settle back on Jisung’s. Minho is nervous – what a rarity. Jisung wonders why.

But Jisung simply nods, sweaty hands gripping the messenger bag strap across his chest, “Finished early today.” With Minho so nervous, Jisung is, too.

Minho puts the box down. He messes up his dark brown hair with a hand and sighs. Now Jisung sees it: Minho isn’t simply nervous. Minho is frustrated. He sits down on their big black leather couch, the one they saved up money together to buy, and rubs his hands on his face. Then he keeps his hands there, hiding his face.

Worried, Jisung moves further into the apartment, leaves his own bag next to the large gym bag and sits down by Minho’s side. But that doesn’t seem to be what Minho wants, because Minho lets his hands fall away from his face to reveal a deep frown directed in front of him before he looks to the other side so Jisung can’t properly see his face again.

Jisung tries to take Minho’s hands into his own but Minho immediately takes his hands away again, not gentle but not forceful either. It’s not the first time Minho evades Jisung’s touch, but this might be the first time it hurts this much.

“You weren’t supposed to be here for this, you know,” Minho says, sounding resigned. Exhausted.

Honestly Jisung has a hunch what this is about. “Here for what?” Jisung asks like an idiot and hates how vulnerable he sounds right now. They both sound – and look – vulnerable right now, just in different ways. Jisung knows Minho well enough to know Minho is in pain despite the cold and seemingly strong exterior.

Jisung has made one too many mistakes, hasn’t he?

“I told myself I wouldn’t cry, so I’m not going to,” Minho offhandedly says instead. That’s such a Minho thing to say and do. He really won’t cry, Jisung supposes.

When Minho properly looks at him, Jisung already sees the words that are about to come in his beautiful eyes. Maybe Jisung is the one who will cry. He hadn’t told himself he wouldn’t cry and even if he had, he probably still would. Jisung has always had a hard time keeping promises to himself.

“I’m leaving you.”

How can a heart break so quietly? Jisung just sits there, stares at the love of his life and wonders why his heart shatters into a million pieces without a single damn sound. The tears follow almost instantly, of course they do. Jisung isn’t like Minho – Jisung cries easily. In a way Jisung wears his heart on his sleeve – can easily offer it to only Minho – and Minho has always had his own hidden on his tongue. Right now, too. But unlike always, Jisung’s free pass to Minho’s heart is getting revoked.

Jisung shakes his head and he hates to be a beggar but he can’t help himself from gently holding onto Minho’s hand. Even when Minho tries to pull his hand away at first – only at first until he lets Jisung hold at least his hand, so there has to be a chance for him to stay, right? Jisung keeps shaking his head at him, searching his eyes.

The same face Jisung loves to fall asleep and wake up to, now numbly stares back into Jisung’s tearful one.

Minho isn’t supposed to make Jisung cry. Not Minho. Anyone is fine, just not him.

Fuck, Jisung can barely find his voice. He can barely speak through the tears trying to silence him and his throat feels like shit already. But he has to, as shameful as it is. “Please,” Jisung keeps shaking his head like it’s gonna do more than let his tears drop faster, “You can’t leave me, Minho. Don’t go. Please, Minho hyung, don’t say that.”

Apparently, Minho can’t even look into his eyes anymore, dropping his gaze down onto their hands. He’s so gentle when he tries to pull away again but Jisung doesn’t think he can let Minho go.

He tries not to. “Please, I’ll do anything!” Jisung quietly begs because his voice has a hard time being any louder even though he tries. How pathetic. The tears keep coming and he feels like drowning.

Jisung’s heart is broken.

“Please, hyung. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, just say it. What’s on your mind? Tell me something I can do to fix this. Come on. Minho hyung, I love you.” Maybe he’s babbling at this point, sounding like a broken record – or maybe that’s just how broken hearts sound. “I love you. I love you so much. This isn’t like you, come on. I love you. I love you, Minho. I love you so much. Please, don’t do this. I love you. I love you.”

Minho doesn’t care though, does he? There are bags under his beautiful dark eyes and his lips are dry. He must have thought about this a lot. He must have made up his mind. Minho would not say something like this as a joke, would not pack his stuff and leave Jisung on a whim. Minho wanted to leave without a damn word in the first place. Fuck, it hurts. This can’t be it.

Jisung holds his breath when Minho finally opens his mouth to answer his pleas.

“This is like me, you know. This is me breaking up with you, Jisung.”

With a little more force, and yet so gently that it just hurts even more, Minho pries his hand away from Jisung’s sweaty ones. And he stands up, wipes Jisung’s sweat off his hands on his jeans instead of wiping away Jisung’s tears like he would have done if none of this was real. His voice is so steady, Jisung wants to call him heartless – but that would be a lie. “I guess I’ll come back later. Tomorrow. I’ll come back tomorrow with friends and pick up the rest of my stuff, just… just leave it around for now. I’ll clean up after myself tomorrow.”

Somebody else would say more. Somebody else would talk. Somebody else would probably say sorry. Somebody else would apologise for breaking Jisung’s heart.

But this is Minho.

And this is Jisung.

Jisung sits there, watches Minho grab the gym bag probably filled with clothes and other necessities already. Where will he stay the night if not in Jisung’s arms?

It’s not that Minho doesn’t love Jisung anymore.

That’s not it. That can’t be it. Jisung knows. Jisung sees it in Minho’s eyes. Jisung isn’t delusional for that. He isn’t.

Minho leaves through the door that Jisung left open. No more words. Not even a last glance back. Only Jisung is left here, crying in the apartment that he used to share with the love of his life.

Finally, the sobs wreck through him.

Lee Minho breaks Han Jisung’s heart.

It’s the worst feeling Jisung has ever felt in regard to Minho. Minho has always been a shining light in Jisung’s life. A bright gem. Jisung’s soulmate.

Shame. Regret. Pain. Minho is supposed to be Jisung’s Forever. This isn’t supposed to happen, it was never supposed to happen, ever. Not Minho. What they have– what they had– no, no, it’s what they have – that can’t just disappear. This love, his time with Minho, can’t be falling apart like this. Minho can’t break his heart like this. Minho loves Jisung. This isn’t supposed to happen. The whole world can be against Jisung, he’ll get over it, but not Minho. Just not Minho. Minho. Lee Minho.

Jisung loves Minho.

Minho leaves quietly.

PART TWO: WHAT KILLS

Minho is everywhere and nowhere.

These days Jisung has a hard time concentrating.

It’s Minho’s silhouette out of the corner of his eyes that has him turning his whole body in search of him but every time he’s already gone or leaving. Hearing Minho’s voice, no matter how far away, has Jisung’s ears strain for more and eyes following. Other people talking about Minho has him eavesdrop and has him join conversations with people he usually wouldn’t talk to. They work in the same company and most days in the same building, so how can Jisung not be distracted by Minho?

For this year their successful group hasn’t been very active big publicity-wise to take a break, but they still did have a few media appearances as a group, in units or alone. Lately all of their group’s members focus on different things though. Less under the public eye than before, Jisung focuses on being a music producer and Minho on being a choreographer. Some days they take the roles as contributors for projects or personal mentor for trainees.

And, you see, working at the same place, it didn’t use to be a problem.

It has recently become a problem – only because the fact messes with Jisung’s mind so easily nowadays.

Before, Minho used to be a positive distraction at the workplace. Shared lunches, childish bickering and comfortable breaks. They saw each other a lot. Even more so when they had shared schedules as a group. Jisung would jokingly call Minho clingy as if he himself wasn’t the exact same. Jisung would sneak in kisses and touches, scold Minho for winking at anyone, while Minho would scold him for said kisses and touches only to then drag Jisung along to some place hidden for more. It didn’t affect their work badly and they didn’t come in late anywhere either, if anything they worked better afterwards.

They used to be a comfortable permanence in each other’s lives.

Nowadays Jisung is a mess.

He doesn’t even know how Minho feels these days or what he’s up to. Not really. They still haven’t talked since that day – maybe they won’t ever again. Minho has blocked his number (Jisung still ends up calling some nights, fruitless) and their group chat with the other members is mostly silent. Jisung can only assume. Maybe Minho is okay. At least it seems to be that way from the bits he does see and hear of him by pure lucky chance.

Frankly, Jisung is torn. He wishes Minho all the best and wishes for him to be healthy and happy. But he also prays that Minho misses Jisung too, prays that Minho thinks about him all day too, prays that Minho wants him back after all, prays that Minho prays for the same things Jisung prays for. Jisung isn’t even religious but nowadays he’s come to respect religion more; he’ll pray to any God that grants him Minho’s love.

“You’re here again?” Hyunjin asks him. He has his arms crossed and a pitying look on his face as he looks Jisung over.

Jisung hasn’t even realised where his feet had taken him to. This entire level of the building belongs to the dancers. He shrugs, “Force of habit.” It really is. Before heartbreak, he had come here to see the love of his life, Minho. Catch a simple glimpse or a touch or a promise of meeting up later or plans to leave together after work.

“You’ve been a mess lately, Jisung. Go home, eat, shower,” Hyunjin reprimands him, almost too nice, “How is anybody respecting you in that state, man?”

Well, no one really respects him lately. The trainees give him confused looks over his lazy appearance and lack of enthusiasm, the musicians he works with wonder about his silence and weird manners, and his co-workers question his short fuse and shrinking work ethic. Genius producer J.One is in an obvious slump. His hair is a bit greasy too. Jisung comes to work in sweatpants, oversized hoodies and bucket hats or caps if he can help it, just to hide the hideous mess he is. He likes to dress casual and cool, but this really isn’t it. This is just lazy and tired. This is not his usual get up for casual fashionable clothes.

Most days he just drags himself out of bed and to work and back to bed.

Fuck, next to Hyunjin the damn model, Jisung probably looks even worse.

“The days kind of blur together. I’ll do all that when I’m home later,” Jisung half-heartedly promises his friend. Hyunjin is just looking out for him. And Jisung is looking around the dance studio’s floor like Minho will come out of one of the practice rooms any second now. In a way it would be bad because Jisung looks like trash, but good too, because Jisung will see Minho up close in person again instead of from far away or only on photos and videos. The short glimpses he gets in the company hallways barely count.

Somewhere in the background he hears Hyunjin sigh.

Instead of Minho, Felix comes out one of the practice rooms. He spots Jisung and Hyunjin almost immediately and looks over his shoulder back into the room before he closes the door behind him and strides over.

“Hey Jisung,” Felix smiles, but not with his typically empathetic eyes. It’s awkward, forced, a little cold. No, sarcastic even.

Jisung’s responding smile is genuine though. He knows Felix keeps in active touch with Minho, just like the rest of their shared friends probably do. “Hey Felix.”

Hyunjin and Felix exchange looks that Jisung can’t quite decipher – maybe he’s too tired for it – before they zero in on Jisung again.

“How about dinner tonight? Join us,” Hyunjin clasps a hand on Jisung’s shoulder. Hyunjin tries hard, he really does. Jisung wants to feel thankful for his effort.

But before Jisung can answer, Felix scoffs quietly and rolls his eyes. Without another word Felix leaves back into the practice room he had just come out of a moment ago. Did Felix only want to greet them or why did he come over in the first place? The door closes on its own. Jisung feels his fingers itch. Maybe Minho is here. It’s been weeks since… since they last talked.

“It’ll be Changbin hyung, Jeongin and I,” Hyunjin continues, still trying hard, “I know Changbin hyung sees you through work, but it’s been a while since we hung out with you.”

“I don’t really feel like it, man,” Jisung finally draws his eyes away from the closed door down the hall. Looking up at Hyunjin, Jisung remembers, “What are you even doing here? You wonder why I’m here again when I can say the same thing about you. You keep coming here too since last week and you don’t even have any work here to do.”

Hyunjin shrugs, avoids his eyes. “Just checking up on everyone.”

Ahh, right. Hyunjin has only heard about this issue recently. Just last week Hyunjin had finished his modelling schedule in Paris and now that that’s done, he’s back for free time off work and the first thing he has probably heard is that Minho and Jisung are not together anymore. That must be the reason he comes here so often the past week. Does he spend lots of time with Minho now? Does he think Minho made the right decision? Does he pity Jisung? Did he know this would happen? Did he see it coming? Does he find it funny? Pitiful?

Come on. What does any of that even matter?

Jisung isn’t supposed to be here, even if he came here by unconscious habit. And he doesn’t want to make Minho uncomfortable by looking like a stalkerish ex. It really is habit that brings him here every damn workday. Jisung thought that the worst part of all of this is a broken heart but what ends up killing him are the habits that come with loving Minho.

Most days he still buys iced americano for two. Always realising too late that he’s on his own now.

Whether it’s at work, at the apartment or other random places. Somehow his mind always ends up on Minho. Of course, his body will follow the example. All of Jisung misses Minho. They’re soulmates – a whole half of Jisung’s happiness is missing.

“I was on my way to meet Seungmin actually,” Hyunjin’s voice barely brings him out of his thoughts, “You can join us if you’d like?”

“Really, dude, am not feeling up to it,” Jisung says. Seungmin probably doesn’t want to see him anyway, he stopped contacting Jisung when Jisung had ignored his messages and calls for about the fourth time the first week after Minho had left. Although that might not be the only reason. They don’t even greet each other in the halls anymore. “I’ll clock out early today and do what you told me, okay? I’ll shower and eat. I work better at… at the apartment anyway.” No way that lousy place can be called his home anymore.

“Sure, Jisung,” Hyunjin sighs. Jisung really doesn’t need the pity. “Take care, alright?”

“You too, Hyunjin.”

At the apartment it’s the same.

Traces of Minho are everywhere and nowhere.

What’s Jisung supposed to do? The place feels empty, too big for one person alone. There is no warmth left and the few photos on the wall mock him. Some serious, some cute, some dorky. Minho looks so beautiful in all of them, as always.

Instead of the photos, he’d rather have Minho here mocking him personally.

Jisung misses Minho.

Reality is still hard to grasp. Jisung is still foolishly hoping that all of this is only one long nightmare.

A stupid wish comes to mind, that Minho should be as heartless and cold as strangers deem him to be on first sight. Because if it were like that, Jisung could try hating him. Jisung could say look, he’s so heartless. Look, he’s laughing at you in your misery.

Look, he never loved you anyway.

But Minho isn’t like that. Otherwise Jisung wouldn’t have fallen in love with him.

(Even if Minho for some reason suddenly turned heartless, nothing could make Jisung stop loving him.)

He should shower. Jisung should shower before he forgets. And then he should eat.

The doorbell rings as soon as Jisung opens the refrigerator and realises how empty it is. Not that Jisung can cook in the first place but frozen pizza and cup ramen can only last him so long. The Minho in his mind is already scolding him for his carelessness.

His hair is still wet from the shower but he’s wearing a fresh pair of sweatpants and a sleeveless shirt. If it’s Hyunjin checking in on him for some stupid friendship reason Jisung will definitely punch him for the pity and the disruption.

Instead it’s Changbin.

“Hungry?” Changbin holds up a bag with takeout food and smiles.

Hesitantly Jisung opens the door wide and lets him in, “Thanks. Make yourself comfortable, hyung.”

Maybe he should have cleaned up the apartment today. Though only the bedroom, hidden behind a closed door, is messy thanks to Jisung. The rest of the apartment is mostly untouched but probably dusty. Ever since Minho had last come here, Jisung’s been the only one stepping foot into the place. Minho really had cleaned up after himself after picking up his stuff and he left all of the furniture to Jisung as well. Minho had left behind the shirts and hoodies and jackets he used to steal and wear from Jisung too.

Everything left behind. Minho left Jisung behind.

(And a shirt. Minho left behind an old shirt of his that Jisung wears to sleep on bad nights.)

“You keep zoning out,” Changbin remarks after they’ve eaten and cleaned the coffee table in the living room up, “You do that at work too.”

“Nothing goes past our Changbin hyung, huh?” Jisung stretches, leaning back comfortably on the black leather couch, side eyeing the older man, “Sorry, 3RACHA’s J.One will be producing sad love songs for a while.” And with the way he’s been behaving lately, the tracks aren’t even going to be good or market-worthy with how personal and specific they are. A first for J.One.

“Yeah, hard not to notice,” Changbin shrugs, carefully watching Jisung over the rim of his beer can.

Jisung can’t help but eye his own untouched beer can. Usually Jisung doesn’t drink and as far as he knows, neither does Changbin. Minho’s slogan of ‘Let’s Be Healthy And Die A Natural Death’ has influenced them all along the way. And honestly, alcohol makes Jisung stupid. Embarrassing even. Getting drunk isn’t going to do a damn thing but make things worse. He’d rather cry sober.

Jisung chooses to leave his beer can unopened on the table. “Hyung,” he says honestly, empty, “It hurts.”

“I know.”

Does he? What does Changbin even know?

Damn, Jisung sounds so bitter. He should be thankful for any of his friends listening to his bullshit.

Jisung drags a hand through his hair and holds onto the strands at the back of his neck. “I keep thinking this wasn’t supposed to happen, you know?” Jisung sighs, tugs at his hair before letting it go and taking a sip out of his cup of ice-cold water. “Minho… Minho hyung and I, we’re soulmates. Everyone probably thinks I mean it as a joke, but I mean it when I say it. How can I lose my soulmate? Out of everyone I have to lose him?”

“You’ve been saying it for a long time… Years,” Changbin confirms, pressing his lips into thin line and not showing pity or sympathy at all. Simply a confirmation. “You’ve been saying it for years. Most people probably believed you meant it. I believed it.”

“Has Minho hyung ever believed it?” Jisung ponders, looking at Changbin blankly for a moment before looking at the ceiling, “We talked a lot, you know. Every time I told him I believe we’re soulmates he only laughed. He never really said what he thought about it. Does he think we’re soulmates?”

“I don’t know. It looked that way.”

Jisung hums. It did, before. “I miss Minho.” He says it like he’s commenting on the weather.

Changbin doesn’t react to that nor the drop of honorifics.

“I love Minho.” Again. It feels nice to let someone else hear it besides his own ears at 3AM when he can’t sleep in a bed too big for him alone. “I don’t think I will ever stop loving him.”

And Changbin doesn’t say anything. He just takes another long sip of his beer and oh, it must be empty. He crushes the beer can quick and easy in his fist and, in contrast to that strength, calmly puts it down on the coffee table. A crushed can. A sigh.

What does Changbin think of Jisung right now?

Changbin probably knows everything there is about Jisung. 3RACHA has always been special to Jisung as all three of them are special to each other, next to their whole group. They all support each other in more than work and music. They’re real friends. Best friends. Especially 3RACHA. Years ago, Changbin had known about Jisung falling for Minho before Jisung himself had realised.

“The apartment feels empty. The bed feels empty,” Jisung rubs his eyes, feeling sleepy already, “Everything feels kind of empty. Nowhere feels like home anymore. And his voice echoes through the emptiness. I can’t sleep but I sleep all the time. Does that make sense?”

Changbin doesn’t answer nor look at him.

“Minho hyung doesn’t appear in my dreams as often as I thought he would. It’s like he left me there too. And here in reality he hates me, hates even looking at me and–”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

Jisung stills. Blinks a few times. “Yeah, I know.”

“Then why do you say that? What happened is regretful but don’t twist things into something else than what they are. One way or another, it’s over, Jisung. I’m not saying this to be mean since I’m trying really hard not to be, but none of this is healthy. I know it’s hard, but you need to move on and–”

“Shit, Changbin hyung. The thing is that I don’t want to move on. I want to fix this. Or better yet, I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that this shit isn’t real. That it’s all just a really stupid prank. In the morning I want to wake up to Minho hyung’s smile, want to pull him closer and ask for 5 more minutes of staying together. When Minho hyung gets up to make breakfast I want to follow him to hug him from behind and ask what he’s making as if I don’t see it myself just to hear his voice tell me. The ghost of his voice left behind isn’t enough.”

Jisung is mindlessly rambling again. So calm and quiet, he surprises himself. When alone, the thoughts just tumble around in his head. Right now, they tumble out of his lips.

“I don’t want to sit alone on this stupid couch that we saved up money together for, I want to sit here with Minho hyung. He should be sitting here too, just like before. I want to cuddle and relax together. Watch a movie or two. Watch a horror movie and promise to protect each other from some stupid monster or a serial killer. Kiss a little when the movie is too boring. Go on dates. In amusement parks or coffee shops – I don’t care where. He can choose. As long as we’re together I’ll go anywhere. Be shy in public but hold his hand anyway if he’ll let me. Take photos at cliché couple spots. We can complain about everything together and laugh about anything that maybe isn’t even that funny but it’s fun because we’re together. At night, after a long day, I want to fall asleep with him. Feel him safe and sound right here with me. I want him to be the last thing I see before I fall asleep and the first thing I see when I wake up again. The bed is too big for me alone, you know. I… I want to spend my life with him. Just like how it’s meant to be. It was going great. Everything was right here in the palm of my hand… but it’s all gone now. He left me.”

“Jisung–”

“I love him so much, Changbin hyung,” with the crack in his voice come the tears and then it’s over and Jisung is sobbing like a child. No quiet, no calm. He hides his face in his hands – he doesn’t want to know how pathetic he looks in someone else’s eyes. “I love him. I love Minho so much. What do I do with all my love? What do I do without Lee Minho in my life?”

A sigh, before Changbin moves to sit closer and throws an arm around him. The comforting touch is a rare thing that Jisung, unlike any other time, fails to appreciate right now. “It’s gonna be okay,” Changbin tells him.

“It’s not. It’s not gonna be okay if I can’t fix this. If I can’t fix us…” Jisung shakes his head and raises his head just to look into his friend’s eyes and make him understand. “Everything was perfect, hyung. Everything. We were perfect. Ideal lovers. A healthy and happy relationship. And now I will never be as happy as I was with him. Nothing is the same without Minho hyung by my side.” Jisung feels so weak. “It’s killing me, it hurts so much.”

Changbin’s smile is small and a little wry. He doesn’t say anything, just lets Jisung cry into his shoulder.

PART THREE: THE WORLD SPLITS DOWN THE MIDDLE

Moving on. How does that work?

At first it feels impossible but objectively speaking… Getting over unlucky love isn’t hard. Getting over someone who wasn’t meant to be yours in the first place is even easier. Getting over someone who is bad for you should be easiest. Get over it! Focus on yourself! Live your life and be happy!

Then there is the loss of someone dear. Loss. It can mean anything but it’s something you can move on from too, despite the immense pain, it’s part of life.

But then what about the one human that was meant for only you, and you only meant for them? Minho and Jisung are meant for each other but it’s all ruined now. All of that. How do you move on from ruin? How do you move on from your other half leaving you?

It’s unhealthy to see someone as your other half but with Minho and Jisung it’s not meant in the unhealthy obsessive way people may think of. Here it is meant as natural compatibility, naturally drawn to each other, naturally in love with each other. So natural. So self-evident. Fated even. Like it’s all meant to be. Like wow, these two people are simply meant to be.

For Jisung that’s Lee Minho. The love of Jisung’s life. Jisung’s soulmate. The One. His True Love. Their Forever.

To others it may sound cheesy, exaggerated and fake. In any other case Jisung would have thought so too. He’d laugh and cringe at people’s ideas about true love, about The One. It’s rare to really find The One for you. Nobody really believes in soulmates but when Jisung had met Minho all those years ago, Jisung started believing. Believes to this day.

Maybe he has become a bit of romantic after all.

Minho and Jisung are soulmates. Their chemistry so unbelievably amazing. In all their differences and in all their similarities, they match well. Rare disagreements easily talked out or joked away. Going through hardship and prosperity together.

They had become friends first, lovers second. Maybe that’s why the betrayal cuts deeper.

Jisung still hasn’t moved on.

He tries to, in a way.

All in all, Jisung just tries to cope with the pain and the numbness.

“… In all logic, alright?” Jisung animatedly tells this random stranger at the bar with a grin on his face, “We’re literally perfect for each other in every way! Our personalities, our bodies, our souls. What we have, it’s everything good and it’s just perfect. It is so special.”

“Was,” the stranger, a short young woman with a black bob and sharp eyeliner corrects, listening intently but eyes narrowed. Jisung has started talking to her because she was sitting alone and side-eyeing him, who was also sitting alone. Jisung thinks she wanted to hook up at first but probably thinks otherwise now. Not that Jisung would agree to a hook up or even flirting at all – he knows he’s kind of single now, but he really doesn’t want to. His heart still belongs to Minho.

“We’re still soulmates,” Jisung counters easily.

Lately talking about Minho has become easier.

It doesn’t hurt any less, but it has become relieving to let someone know a bit of their story at least. Jisung has lost count of how many times his friends had to listen to him cry and how many carefully chosen strangers he has told their story with bright smiles – of course, the story vague and with no names.

Only a few people truly knew about their real relationship after all, so he tries to be thankful for the support and comfort he gets. At this point Chan only offers a small strained smile at the sad lyrics Jisung submits at work, Changbin keeps letting him cry on his shoulder if needed but never really says a thing, and Hyunjin calls Jisung at least every few days to check up on him. Jeongin visits about once a month and helps him clean around the apartment but never really asks about the thing either but Jisung doesn’t want to burden the youngest of their friend group too much anyway. Felix and Seungmin… they haven’t contacted Jisung for a while now and Jisung never really got to talk to them about this whole mess either.

Things changed.

Strangers. Jisung used to hate even interacting with strangers. If he’s honest with himself, he still does.

But strangers always listen to him for some reason. Always offering a variety of different reactions. Sometimes they badmouth Minho, other times they insult Jisung. Often they pat Jisung on the back, tell him it’s a pity but he’ll get over it, that maybe it’s better this way. Others say maybe they’ll get back together, especially if their love is so deep. And there are even some with similar stories but each with a different ending to it.

“Soulmates… if you two were so perfect, why’d you break up? Or well, not get back together at least?” the woman asks and raises a provoking brow. She finds the whole thing funny but, in the end, she sits there and pats his arm, tells him she does actually believe in soulmates too. She leaves it at that, when Jisung goes on the stage and sings a song and raps a few verses.

It’s been quite some time since he has performed on stage, but the crowds still love him. He’s only recently started some low-profile surprise performances in bars and clubs again, most often this bar though, with his loyal acoustic guitar. Mostly showing off songs about his recent emotions – about Minho. It’s nothing he wants to sell so he keeps it small and under wraps, just something to freely let out of his heart. The crowd eats it up every time. Jisung makes it his own therapy next to spending energy at the gym.

And he can’t quite believe it when he sees him in the small crowd.

At first he really doesn’t believe it – you see, Jisung has grown used to seeing Minho’s shadow and memories everywhere – but when Jisung’s eyes keep getting pulled to that spot, there he is for real, sitting at a corner table. Alone. Minho is watching his performance, his face neutral but attentive and not giving away a damn thing.

So beautiful, with his eyes shining bright, reflecting the room’s dimmed light – Jisung would almost mistake it for pride.

Minho doesn’t even like bars, he’s a stay at home, hang out or party with close friends, coffee shops and cinemas type of guy – like Jisung, really. So why is he here out of all places?

After the performance is over and Jisung is off the stage, he finds himself hesitating. Should he go over and talk to Minho? It’s been months now since… since they last talked. Minho is good at avoiding him, even at the company – not that Jisung runs after him. He doesn’t. He doesn’t want to make Minho uncomfortable. Jisung does stare though whenever he is lucky enough to catch a little glimpse by pure chance. Every day he feels like a starved man.

Jisung still loves Minho.

But Minho is gone before Jisung can make up his mind.

It’s embarrassing, Jisung thinks when he sits down at the empty corner table where Minho had been seated just a moment ago. His guitar secure in the bag on his back, heavy. It’s embarrassing that he secretly went to a damn tarot card reading just to find out how his life is going to go from here. He doesn’t even believe in that stuff. And yet, this part has become true.

It had been random, wandering the streets at night, looking for something to do just so he wouldn’t have to return to an empty apartment again so soon. Work, performing, gym, the most basic self-care – that isn’t enough to fill up all his time. That day he had found a night market and a pretty blue tent with a golden sign that said something like reading tarot cards about your fate. Out of curiosity, and having literally nothing better to do, Jisung had entered the tent. The lady with the cards had told him exactly this: a reunion with your soulmate.

“I see a lot of pain. Do you love him? Your soulmate,” her voice cold and raspy, she had looked at him with calculating eyes.

Jisung had been shocked enough that she even knew about his gender and the soulmate title; she kept guessing things right somehow. Again, he had told yet another stranger their story then. He had told another stranger about the love of his life. Lastly, he had asked if she can magic something up to make him stop thinking about Minho, but she had simply laughed in his face, as if that was such a ridiculous thing to ask for. In the end Jisung had bought a gem to give him a peace of mind, just another tent over.

But that shiny gem, sitting in his pocket, just reminds him of Minho too. Minho used to be Jisung’s gem, shining bright and warm.

Now Jisung is sitting here, baffled, just like that night. He has missed out on talking to Minho. Just let him go because he’s a hesitant coward. “Reunion my ass,” Jisung tiredly curses under his breath.

Closure. Maybe they just need closure. Moving on from the love of your life, the one true love, is not going to happen. Especially without closure. Maybe closure can ease the pain at least.

Not that they will get any with the way things are going.

It’s raining when Jisung steps out the bar into the night. He puts his windbreaker jacket’s hood over his head and is just about to go back to the cold apartment waiting for him when he sees him.

On the side of the road he stands – Minho. He’s trying to flag down a taxi, isn’t he? The nearest bus stations don’t have busses coming at this time. The rain pelts down on him with no mercy. He has no hood on nor does he have an umbrella. The rain soaks him to the skin, and he slicks his wet hair back and out of his pretty face.

Jisung is mesmerised.

Almost immediately he blinks out of it and takes his jacket off – he has a hoodie underneath anyway – runs over and holds it over Minho’s head from the side. They’re of similar height but Jisung wishes he wore plateau shoes today as his arms strain to hold the jacket up properly over Minho.

Surprised, Minho looks at the jacket first before settling on Jisung, who’s progressively looking messier with the rain now fully falling on him. Jisung’s hair blocks his vision a little and the rain makes it hard to properly see, too; he wants to move his hair away to fully see Minho. Minho is probably blinking cutely. It’s been so long since Jisung has last seen Minho up this close. Jisung wonders what Minho thinks. Despite the pain draining his energy, Jisung has been taking care of his body again, really doing the bare minimum though; he showers and eats. But he’s glad he’s been doing at least that again because Minho would probably be disappointed in Jisung’s health management otherwise.

“Hey,” Minho quietly greets and gestures to the jacket Jisung is still holding above his head, “Thanks.”

Minho’s voice is still like sweet honey. It’s like nothing changed about him. Jisung swallows and breaths out a, “Hey you.”

Minho’s expression of quiet surprise shifts to a wry smile. He gently tugs at Jisung’s hoodie sleeve above his head, “You don’t have to–”

“It’s okay!” Jisung rushes to say, stubbornly keeping his arms and his jacket above Minho’s head to protect him from the rain, “It’s okay. I– I have my car. Uh, it’s right around the corner. I… I can, uhm, drop you off somewhere if you want.”

“Maybe it’s time for me to buy a car too,” Minho wonders, looking at Jisung who definitely looks like a wet dog. “When did you get one?”

“Last paycheck,” Jisung quickly answers, feeling the cold seep into his bones and his clothes stick uncomfortably to his skin, all soaked from the rain. He gulps down the nervousness in his throat before he asks again, “So do you want me to…?”

Minho huffs a quiet laugh. It’s such a wonderful sound Jisung immediately smiles. “No,” Minho says, as unbothered as ever, “I shouldn’t go with you.”

“But it’s raining,” Jisung can’t keep the small smile off his face despite the stinging pain from Minho’s words, “And the taxis keep ignoring you. You’ll get sick at this rate, hyung.”

Minho raises a brow. Then shrugs and tugs down Jisung’s arms with the jacket. Just touch me, Jisung wants to say and pushes his hair out of his face to properly look at Minho through the rain. He’s still so beautiful.

Now they’re both standing in the rain. They’ve never kissed in the rain before but Jisung finds himself wanting to do so, right now. Just reach over, gently hold him and kiss him on those inviting lips. Fix everything that has ever happened with a kiss.

Of course, Jisung does not do any of that. They simply stand in the rain.

Jisung in jeans and a hoodie, jacket uselessly in his hands and Minho, oh Minho has dressed well today but doesn’t he always look good anyway? Denim jacket over a white t-shirt and tight black jeans and black boots. He looks so good and the clothes stick to his skin, white t-shirt turning translucent.

“Lead the way,” Minho says with a hint of a smile and brings Jisung’s eyes back up to his own.

Jisung nods. He grabs Minho’s hand, takes him with him as he starts running into the direction of his car. It’s on reflex – grabbing his hand – but the effect is instantaneous.

Skin on skin, holding hands with Minho after so long. It’s comforting.

And it’s electric.

“This isn’t how I imagined my night to go!” Minho yells through the rain and their rushing steps.

Jisung laughs, yelling back, “Me neither but this is better than anything else!” He hears Minho’s laugh behind him and feels so warm. The cold rain doesn’t even matter to him anymore. It’s so comfortingly warm now that Minho’s here.

They reach Jisung’s new car and Jisung immediately unlocks it – almost tripping and face planting but catching himself on the car door – opens said car door for Minho, lets his hand go and runs over to the driver’s side to get into the car as well, first throwing his guitar bag onto the backseat. Once they’re both seated – the car’s leather suffering under their drenched frames – they laugh. It’s so freeing, laughing with Minho again.

What a sweet sound. What a sweet sight. Jisung can’t help but stare now that he finally can.

“I’m sorry about your car,” Minho says, laughter dying down but still smiling. Then finally looking at Jisung. Electric, Jisung is sure Minho feels it too.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jisung waves it off, content with admiring the sight in front of him. For a moment Jisung thinks the nightmare could finally be over.

Minho’s smile becomes smaller and his voice softer, his eyes too, but he’s firm. “Well… aren’t you going to start driving, Jisung?”

Jisung’s name coming from Minho’s lips, God, he missed the sound. Ah. Of course. Jisung only lingers for one last moment before focusing on starting the car and actually driving. “Where do you want me to take you?”

But Minho doesn’t tell him any address, he looks ahead on the road as Jisung drives. “Just…” Minho trails off and shrugs. Eyes round, Jisung blinks.

Then, “How have you been?”

So, Minho still cares about him? Wait, Jisung can’t just tell him he’s been feeling like utter shit. That’s rude, right, they’re not even friends anymore. Technically they’re strangers with history now. Strangers. How bitter. How painful.

No, they’re still soulmates.

“Jisung?”

“I’ve been okay…” Jisung chuckles a little, just drives where his muscle memory takes him because Minho has still not informed him about an address. Ahh, it hurts but his name sounds so good coming from Minho’s lips. “I’d be lying if I really said that. What do you want me to say, hyung? Tell me. I’ll say whatever makes you feel best.”

“Jisung,” Minho sighs, beautiful but not liking that answer, “Don’t say stuff like that. Just be honest with me.”

“I mean it though,” Jisung says, keeps smiling as best as he can. He really means it, and not as a bitter jab. The truth isn’t pretty, but if Minho wants it, Jisung will give it to him. “The truth is that I’m hurting. I… honestly, it’s hard to take care of myself but I do it because you wouldn’t like it if I didn’t.” Then Jisung remembers more. “Ah, and my mom bugs me about self-care too ever since I told her.”

Minho hums, gentle. “I know. She gave me a phone call.” Out of the corner of his eyes Jisung sees Minho look at him, watch him. Jisung hopes he looks good in his eyes.

“What, why? What did she say?”

“She’s pissed that I ‘turned her son into a homosexual only to break his heart’,” Minho huffs out a laugh, looking away from him and crossing his arms over his chest. “She still doesn’t get that you’re bi, but it’s not like I had much chance to explain myself either. She hung up after saying her piece. I didn’t really want to respond anyway though.”

“Overprotective and confused but she’s more or less on the right track I guess…” Jisung awkwardly shrugs. How fucking embarrassing. He should clear things up with her later. “Sorry about that. She kept asking about us, so… All I told her was that we’re not together anymore, that’s all. I didn’t know she’d contact you over it.”

Minho shrugs, “Kinda knew she’d blow up either way.”

“Hm… How have you been?” Jisung changes the topic with careful interest and makes sure to pay proper attention to the road, “What’s… what’s your life like now?” He wants to ask many things but has to stop himself and keep it just polite enough. Is Minho happy? Does he have a new place? Does he feel at home there? Does he still live his life or is he a mess like Jisung, who keeps looking for distractions after work because he doesn’t even want to go back to his own apartment?

“My new apartment is smaller,” Minho starts casually, looking out at the scenery passing by, “I adopted a cat. My parents didn’t want to give me my own cats from home, can you believe it?” He laughs. It’s so endearing, Jisung joins him. Minho has always loved animals. “My new cat’s name is Mulyo. He’s quite a handful and full of curious energy.”

“Sounds like you love the little guy already,” Jisung smiles fondly, sneaks only a glance over to Minho nodding before focusing back on the road. Back then, the two had never really gotten around to adopting cats or take Minho’s cats from his parents’ place, because Jisung has an allergy against pet fur. Despite Jisung saying he doesn’t care about his allergies, Minho had refused to get any furry pets for their home. They had talked about reptiles though; evidently, they hadn’t gotten the chance for that route. “Bet your couch isn’t better than mine though.”

“Hey!” Minho looks at him incredulously, somewhere between genuinely offended and amused, “Nothing is better than that big leather couch! What are you even saying…? We spent so much fucking money on it, it wouldn’t make sense if just any other couch could overpower it!”

“I know! I agree!” Jisung breathes out a laugh and then can’t help becoming a little quiet, “I sleep on it most days.” Because the bed is too empty, too cold, too remindful of Minho’s absence.

“Well, it is one hell of a couch…” Minho nods, quieting down too and adjusting his crossed arms, looking out the car window as if he heard Jisung’s follow up thoughts. Cursing himself, Jisung chews on his bottom lip.

The car rolls into an empty parking lot. Once it’s parked, Jisung turns the engine off and takes his seatbelt off. Outside it’s still raining, even more so than before. Heavy rain.

Silence. Only the rain’s harsh pitter patter.

“It’s cold,” Minho quietly says.

Another short moment passes.

Blinking rapidly, Jisung scrambles to give him his still wet jacket. They’re both still soaked but their hair has been drying up a little, though messily so. Minho laughs at his panicked movements, “No thank you. I don’t think that’s helping.”

“What else…” Jisung trails off, realising. The car is parked by the apartment complex he is supposed to call home even after Minho had left. “Do you want to… come with me?”

“Why, what do you have to offer?” Minho coyly asks with that head tilt of his and raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. How provocative. Jisung can’t ruin this too. Minho is reaching out to him.

“I– I have hot chocolate and uh, I’d offer coffee, but I just buy mine around the corner at the café. I can ask a neighbour though if you want coffee! And blankets, I have blankets. No cats but I still have our couch.” Our couch? As if that’s gonna be the deal sealer. Jisung, you idiot.

“Okay, okay, you got me. I can’t say no to our couch and blankets,” Minho groans as if he has no choice but his eyes are soft and trained on Jisung, “We’ll have to run.”

Jisung’s mouth drops open a little at his luck before he gulps and nods. Alright. For a moment Jisung almost forgets they’re not together anymore.

Only for a moment.

As soon as they’re out of the car and back in the heavy rain, they make a run for the building door and from there on they keep running. And screaming. And laughing. It’s a modern building with not too many levels, good security and privacy even for celebrities. The apartment is only on the second floor, so without pause they run up the stairs instead of taking the elevator.

Together they slump against the apartment door, panting hard. Jisung plants his front against the door to open it with his keys and Minho rolls over to lean his back on the wall next to it.

“You still go to the gym? I didn’t think you’d be able to run like that,” Minho teases him, despite being out of breath himself.

Jisung chuckles and shrugs, delighted by how close they are and how comfortable it still is. “Gotta get the excess energy off somewhere.” Once the apartment door is open, they step in and out of their shoes. The door closes behind them.

Suddenly everything feels a little warmer again. More intimate.

With Minho here, Jisung doesn’t mind saying he’s at home now.

“Sorry for dripping all over your floor,” Minho laughs seeing the puddles they’re making. Having never really liked the rain, Jisung would like to formally apologise. The rain is a blessing and this situation wouldn’t have been possible without it.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll get you towels and dry clothes! Hold on!” Jisung throws his soaked jacket on the floor by the apartment door and rushes into the bedroom, leaving big drops of water behind as a trail – he hears Minho laugh behind him, probably finding his nervous state entertaining – there Jisung rummages through his best most comfortable clothes, pulls them out and rushes back into the open living and kitchen space, runs by Minho (still waiting by the apartment door) and into the bathroom to grab towels.

Then he stands back in front of Minho. “Come in,” Jisung invites, out of breath and in his arms clothes and towels. He’s looking at Minho earnestly. “You can take your clothes off by the door or throw them in the laundry basket– Shit, I mean, the bathroom! Take your clothes off there. You can shower and– I mean if you want! I– I’ll hang everything up later, maybe wash it– if you want– I won’t touch anything if you don’t want me to! Just–Just tell me what you, uh, what you want! I’ll–”

“Jisung,” Minho genuinely smiles at him, one of those soft and sweet smiles he used to give him a lot before – of course, Jisung immediately shuts up. The ones filled with fondness reserved only for Jisung. He puts a gentle hand on Jisung’s shoulder and Jisung immediately calms down a little and feels himself find his breath slowly. He can’t help but get lost in Minho’s eyes. “It’s alright, Jisung,” Minho chuckles lightly, takes off his shoes first and then he closes the bathroom door quietly behind him.

Jisung stands there.

Minho is here.

Excitement and happiness bubble inside of Jisung. He tries hard to hold it down but it’s there, followed by a happy foolish smile. He feels like a teenager with a crush – they had met as teenagers, so this feeling hits pretty close to old memories. He hopes Minho is comfortable and doesn’t regret coming here. So far it seems that way, Jisung used to pride himself on being able to read Minho like an open book so he hopes his skills haven’t become rusty.

None of this has to mean anything though, Jisung tells himself and tries not to get his hopes up. This all happened per chance and Minho is just trying to be friendly.

But that’s enough for Jisung too.

Maybe they can be friends again.

Jisung will probably never get over Minho. He will never stop regretting what happened. He will never stop missing his time with him, will never stop loving him. It’s been months – about ten months now? Jisung isn’t sure, time has been a blur – since then so maybe Jisung can’t fix things between them to be lovers again but maybe he can settle for being friends. As long as Minho stays in his life, Jisung won’t mind. Minho doesn’t even have to love Jisung back anymore. It’s fine. Jisung just wants Minho back by his side.

Minho is here. Despite saying that he shouldn’t, he still chose to come here in the end.

Minho is here. That’s all that matters.

Don’t you dare ruin this, Han Jisung.

“Oh?” there he is again already. Blinking cutely in surprise, “Were you just standing here the whole time?”

“I… uh, yeah?” Jisung blinks out of his thoughts, gulps and takes in the sight of Minho fresh out the shower: towel hanging around his neck and a hand drying his dark brown damp hair. Minho is wearing Jisung’s clothes (again, it’s been a long time, but he’s worn that same oversized shirt from Jisung before). He looks so good and it’s like Jisung’s real life nightmare never existed for another moment.

Minho snorts and raises an amused but confused brow. Jisung knows he’s being assessed. “Hmm,” Minho hums, one side of his lips quirking up, “You should have dried off in the meantime. Look at you, you’re going to catch a cold, Hannie– uhm, Jisung. You’re going to catch a cold.”

Jisung doesn’t mind the awkward correction, his heart is already beating fast at the sound of his old nickname (though nothing beats hearing his first name come from Minho). Minho used to like using Hannie because it’s cute and kind of sounds like the English ‘honey’. Jisung keeps staring. Gosh, he knows he’s being weird but Minho is here and he’s still so mesmerising and Jisung can’t quite believe it and–

There is a towel thrown on his face. It stays there, hanging off his head and blocking his sight.

“Shower. Dry off. Your turn.”

He hears Minho’s steps walking further into the apartment. Minho sits down on their leather couch and turns the TV on.

Well, Jisung also can’t quite believe Minho has thrown his used towel from around his neck into Jisung’s face to dry off but Jisung likes it – as fucking weird as it sounds. It reminds him of old times. He knows, teasing like this used to be normal between them but shouldn’t be now.

Don’t blame Jisung for being nervous and excited. Jisung takes the towel off his head and carefully, as if maybe none of this is real after all, lifts his head and looks at his apartment that used to feel so empty just this morning and every day before since then. Since them.

There Minho sits on their couch, comfortable and casual, in his favourite corner curled up and hugging one of the couch pillows. It’s a sight so familiar and yet so foreign – most of all beautiful. Minho is beautiful. Maybe this is magic, maybe the gem Jisung had bought in a shady tent all those weeks ago at that night market did its wonders backwards – Jisung isn’t going to complain.

Tonight, ever since Minho, all of Jisung’s smiles have been becoming more and more genuine.

And the one that forms on his lips right now is probably the truest happiest smile he has ever had on his face in a long time.

When Minho notices him staring, he has to take a double take before he tilts his head in confusion at Jisung. His blinking habit coming out, eyes round and pure, “You’re still standing there, cold and wet. You’re really going to get sick at this rate, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung can’t help his grin. He isn’t going to get sick with how warm he feels. Going into the bathroom makes him nervous because he doesn’t want to leave Minho yet, doesn’t want to risk coming back out to an empty apartment with Minho gone again.

So he hesitates in the bathroom’s doorway like a coward, his voice falters and he can barely look up at Minho again but he does, head lowered, “You’re not going to be gone once I come out again, right?”

For a moment Minho looks speechless, lips parting the smallest bit and eyes becoming round again and blinking. Jisung sees him try to keep looking at him, he really tries, he keeps switching between anything else around him and Jisung’s eyes.

Jisung is just about to open his mouth and apologise for the stupid question (Minho can leave whenever he wants) but that’s when Minho speaks, softly so, “It’s okay. I’ll be here when you come back.”

The words are simple and direct in the context of the situation and yet the words sound like they mean more than they are, to Jisung. “Okay,” he breathes out in response, feeling lighter, only now realising he held his breath unconsciously. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door, slumping back against it.

Minho said he’d stay.

Jisung meets his own eyes in the mirror, sees his own hopeful eyes staring back at him.

No way, he can’t get his hopes up. Minho had left Jisung months ago; Jisung never counted in his trance but ten months or more might have passed. Jisung knows the exact amount of years and days they had been a couple but doesn’t know how long it’s been since Minho left.

(This year should have been their sixth year together as a couple, and it’s been an even longer time as friends.)

The major difference lies in what days actually carried meaning and what days never mattered – the days after Minho just don’t matter. It may sound unhealthy – maybe it is now, not before when everything was fine – but Jisung has reached all his dreams and goals in his life already [become a successful idol, become a renowned producer]. All that, too, happened with Minho by his side. Jisung has always lived for himself just fine, being his own person and all that healthy self-image stuff.

But as humans do, Jisung loves. Therefore, he’d like to keep the love of his life by his side.

(But that has become a futile dream, hasn’t it? No chance at redemption.)

All those years ago in their teens, meeting Minho had been a bit like love at first sight. They weren’t supposed to fall in love but it’s just what happened.

When Jisung had seen newbie Minho in the practice room for the trainees they had been back then, he was shocked by Minho’s captivating beauty. Seungmin, before this whole mess, used to tease him about the awed way he had asked about the new handsome trainee – Lee Minho. And when Minho and Jisung had finally talked and hung out and become friends, they simply clicked. Jisung had never felt that way about someone before. Never found someone so attractive before (and Jisung had known people like Hyunjin, the damn model, before Minho already). Not just physically, but in every way one can be attracted to another person.

In between all those life questions one has in that stage of life, hormonal and curious, Jisung had also slowly and agonisingly realised the fact that he is, in fact, not the totally heterosexual guy that he thought he was. Jisung has always known he likes girls. Only when he had met Minho, he had started questioning himself, confused by his body and mind going crazy for this one man.

Obviously their amazing chemistry naturally lead them to become closer to each other.

In their years of friendship, filled with laughter and tears both, Jisung and Minho had kept flirting with each other, skinship becoming bolder and bolder. Jokingly, for fun. Doing couple stuff for shits and giggles. Strangers and fans and friends and family alike noticing their chemistry. In between secrecy and stronger growing feelings, Jisung couldn’t help but drop I love yous disguised as a joke as well. Sometimes Minho returned the words.

One way or another they had never tried hard to be together or something, they had simply always ended up together. Even when Jisung had tried pushing Minho away and Minho had done the same to him – awkward phases in their friendship – they liked each other too much to actually keep away. By pure chance, they’ve always gravitated towards each other.

It’s like the universe has always liked seeing them together.

So, when Jisung, at 22 back then, had been thinking for months about seriously confessing his feelings to Minho, he had been terrified. But before there was even a confession, they had kissed. On a free day at the dorms they’d used to share with their group back then. Minho, like any other day, wordlessly joined Jisung in his bed and they laid there, both minding their own business side by side – they’re good at that.

In that moment maybe they had both had the feeling that they were meant to be.

“Do you like me in a special way?” Minho had suddenly asked, so casually and quiet. And yet Jisung’s soul almost left his body.

The world had been – and still is – a complicated place and not always very kind, but their love has always been simple.

Minho and Jisung have always been the type to easily get lost in their own little world anyway.

Stepping into the shower, Jisung still remembers the way Minho’s hands had trembled next to his despite his seemingly confident demeanour.

Jisung also remembers the way he had turned and grabbed one of Minho’s shaky hands to put them to his chest, his own smug question laced with as much fear as excitement, “What do you think?” Letting Minho feel his rapid heartbeat. His red cheeks might’ve been a giveaway too.

The distance between them had begun shrinking slowly.

And Minho had kissed Jisung first. Or maybe they had both met in the middle.

It fully bloomed. Love.

Done with the quick shower, Jisung embarrassingly notices that he has not brought clothes for himself. Shit, he hopes Minho won’t be uncomfortable seeing Jisung run with only a towel around his hips into their bedroom. Maybe he’ll manage to sneak by…

“Oh Jisung, can–” Minho stops, eyes travelling fast down his body and back to his eyes. Minho is still sitting on the couch, in the same curled up position hugging a pillow but he has turned his head away to the TV in a rush, “Nevermind.”

Jisung nods, despite Minho not seeing it, clears his throat while rushing into the bedroom to quickly get dressed in comfortable clothes.

When Jisung steps back into the living room, socked feet quiet on the laminated floor, he chooses to sit down on the leather couch a safe distance away from the other. Minho’s eyes travel his body up and down again. He doesn’t say anything though, even when he meets Jisung’s questioning eyes again. Minho simply turns back to the TV.

“What did you want to say?” Jisung asks carefully, feeling self-conscious suddenly, “Before I mean. ‘Can…’ something?”

They’re alone in the place they both used to call home once. Jisung still can’t quite believe a thing.

“I…” Minho starts and stops to breathe in deeply and then sighs. “It’s whatever.”

Nodding, Jisung rubs his neck. It’s getting late. It is late. Jisung wonders if Minho wants to stay the night. If he wants to, then Jisung will have to make him sleep on the couch because the bedroom is a mess. Jisung will have to take the bed and look like an asshole. With the way things are, maybe he should tattoo it on his forehead or something.

“People tell me that you sing about me. Some of them don’t even know about us like that,” Minho says and pulls Jisung out of his thoughts. Jisung didn’t realise he had been staring again so he averts his eyes to the TV, its audio low. All of this leads to a sensitive topic and Jisung feels a little vulnerable as if he had been caught.

But it’s not like he’d been hiding it. And this is Minho, it’s okay to be vulnerable in front of him. “I do. Nothing explicit though, I was careful,” he says quietly, carefully watching Minho’s reactions in case he makes the other uncomfortable, “Music helps a little.”

“With what?” Minho asks just as quiet, long lashes fluttering as he blinks, eyes to the front. The TV’s colourful lights keep changing on his face. Then, like it’s a bland joke, “Getting over me?”

Ah, that kind of hurts when spoken so boldly. But… “No,” Jisung gulps down the lump growing in his throat, averting his gaze in shame, “I don’t… I don’t think I ever will. Get over you, I mean. I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen. Music just helps with, you know…” The pain, Jisung wants to say, gesturing weakly with a hand in the air, “everything.”

Minho snorts and rolls his eyes, “That’s funny.”

It isn’t. It’s really not.

“Were you there to watch me or…?” It’s a valid assumption to make but Jisung won’t let it get to his head.

“Not at first, no. I was supposed to meet someone,” so seemingly confident and disinterested, Minho answers the question. He hugs the pillow in his lap tighter, props his palm up to rest his chin on it and looks around the apartment. “I didn’t know you’d be there. Then you were up on stage and I cancelled. People told me about what you’ve been up to, so I was curious and stayed for your performance. After that I was supposed to go home.”

You are home. Jisung doesn’t say it, lets the momentary silence be to simply look at Minho. This is our home. Only with you here can it ever be a home.

Minho bites his lip and the hand that was holding his chin goes through his hair in frustration, “I really don’t get it. It’s been months. Almost a year now. And yet all it took was for you to talk to me, protect me from the rain and offer to drive me home… what do I look like to you? A damsel in distress? I hate how easily you still affect me.”

Wide eyes turn to Minho and Minho only looks at him for a moment before he turns away, face scrunched up in frustration. “What do you look so hopeful for…” Minho complains, genuinely bothered, and hides his face behind his hands, the pillow falling off his lap in the process, “I… I really shouldn’t have come here.”

“No, please,” Jisung rasps out, his throat becoming tighter with the growing tension. He wants to reach out so badly. “Don’t regret it, Minho hyung. I won’t get my hopes up and I don’t expect anything. Just please don’t regret coming home with me.” Home, Jisung really calls this place that word again, now after months; only for as long as Minho is here.

Minho keeps his head turned away, shaking his head. He drops one hand and with the other rubs his eyes.

“Please don’t cry, hyung. I don’t want to make you cry, I–”

“We’re over, Jisung. You know that, right? I broke up with you. I don’t wanna be with you anymore, I can’t even stand you anymore. There’s nothing to save here. I made my decision and I will stick to it. I can’t even be your friend because I can’t–”

Minho’s voice cracks and stops.

Jisung can’t help it, he really can’t. In the end he does rush over, he does reach out and he does touch Minho. Carefully, Jisung turns Minho’s tense body towards him. With one hand he takes Minho’s hand away from his eyes – eyes filled with unshed tears – and with the other hand he gently, so gently cradles Minho’s cheek.

And Minho leans into the touch almost immediately, gazing into Jisung’s eyes with so many emotions; Jisung can read all of them but doesn’t know what to do with them. It feels so good to have Minho so close again and it hurts so bad at the same time.

“Minho. Minho hyung. Please don’t cry,” Jisung begs in a whisper, his own eyes welling up. Minho doesn’t cry, his eyes shine with the tears he refuses to let fall by blinking fast, staring back into Jisung’s eyes like he’s looking for something lost. “Don’t regret coming here, Minho hyung. I’m so happy you came home with me. This place– This apartment– Nowhere is home without you. Now that you’re here, I can call this place home again. It’s so empty without you here, you know? I feel at home again thanks to you. Even if you leave tonight or in the morning or whenever you want– I will still be thankful to you. I cherish this,” Jisung gently rubs Minho’s cheek. He’s so soft. His face sculpted to be held gently by Jisung. “After all that has happened, I will still cherish anything you offer me. So please, just let me enjoy the things you give me. I can’t enjoy them if you’re sad and regretful, hyung. I won’t get my hopes up or try to fix anything beyond what you allow me. You don’t have to love me, it’s okay. I will always–”

“Don’t you dare say that, Jisung,” Minho sighs at the things Jisung wants to say, his eyes framed by a frown giving away his frustration.

“But it’s the truth, I swear it is,” Jisung says softly. Their faces are so close. Minho seems to not know where to look, if it’s not into Jisung’s eyes, he keeps glancing at his lips. How is Jisung supposed to hold himself back? “Hyung, you never said a thing but always laughed when I told you that I think we’re soulmates – you and me. Maybe you never believed me. That’s okay, but I want you to know one thing… to me, there’s only you, Lee Minho.” Jisung gently goes through Minho’s hair, fixing the slowly drying damp strands away from his face, before he cradles his cheek again, looking deeply into his dark eyes and dares to tell him his truth.

“I will always love you.”

The following reaction is unexpected. Somehow Jisung isn’t sure if he saw a single stray tear escape Minho’s eyes or simply imagined it happening. Jisung can’t quite focus when Minho kisses him so desperately. Helpless in a way, Jisung kisses back. It doesn’t even take a second.

Maybe this is why Minho didn’t want Jisung to even utter the words.

God, Jisung missed Minho so much. Jisung can’t hold himself back when Minho wordlessly begs him not to. Jisung tries to be careful, tries to hold himself back, tries to – but it’s Minho who keeps pulling him closer, slow but insistent. Minho touches him like he’s been waiting for it so long and now he’s scared he might break Jisung.

Jisung feels Minho’s hands tremble like the day they had first kissed.

So just like that day Jisung reaches for his hand. Their lips are slow against each other, their kiss deep – all their movements savouring every single touch. “It’s okay,” Jisung whispers in between breaks of their tongues speaking their own language, “It’s okay, hyung.”

“It’s not,” Minho breathes out before he kisses Jisung harder. The air around them heats up and so do their touches. It doesn’t take long until Jisung lays on his back and Minho is on top of him. They keep kissing with a certain grace which promises nothing at all.

It burns so good though.

“It’s okay. Touch me some more,” Jisung whispers and pulls Minho closer by his waist and his neck, as if their bodies aren’t already completely pressed together. Then he kisses him again like he might forget the taste of his lips. Maybe he will, some day.

Desperate, helpless and hesitant – Minho’s touches are needy and unsure all the same. Like he doesn’t know what to do with all that he feels. Jisung wants him to know that he can do anything he wants with those feelings and he can do anything he wants with Jisung. Minho has always held a special place in his heart and so it’s a given that Jisung would offer him his body, too.

With how touch starved he realises he is, also comes the fact that no other person can make Jisung feel this way. Only Minho. “We should stop, Jisung,” Minho says, quick and quiet, but then keeps on kissing Jisung and keeps on stealing Jisung’s breath away. It’s not like Jisung would agree with that statement anyway.

They’re meant to be, they’re right where they belong: here together.

Maybe it’s selfish to keep Minho, to want Minho, to love Minho and to need Minho to love him back. Maybe is what Jisung wants to think but he knows better. Because in the end Minho deserves way better.

And Jisung wants to be selfish.

Pulling away from sharing heated kisses, Jisung holds Minho back when he tries to dive back in. Confused and dazed, Minho finally meets his gaze. Oh, Minho looks so beautiful; hair even more dishevelled than before and lips kissed red and swollen, cheeks flushed with heat and pupils dilated in pleasure. It’s been ten months and he is still the same. Jisung wants nothing more than to take all of him in and become whole again.

Jisung never wants to quit Minho and never will.

But he needs to make clear that it’s Minho’s choice. “Tell me to stop and I’ll stop,” Jisung says and watches Minho’s dazed expression turn a little sadder, “I’ll make you stop too. Just say the word.”

Eyes shining and lowering in shame, Minho shakes his head in a miniscule manner.

“I want this tonight.”

Minho does not want to stop. Jisung’s heart soars.

Minho lowers his body again, laying down on Jisung’s and hiding his face in the space between Jisung’s neck and shoulder. Weakly holding onto Jisung, his lips brush the tiniest bit against the sensitive skin there. Jisung feels Minho like a flame – dancing not only on his surface but deep down in Jisung’s soul.

Fingertips itching for touch, Jisung’s heart is in his throat. He’s never felt so torn between absolute happiness and sorrow before.

“But I don’t love you,” Minho speaks quietly but clearly, making Jisung shudder as his warm lips move against his neck again. Breaking his heart all over again. He repeats it like it’s the truth, “I don’t love you anymore, Jisung.”

“You don’t have to,” Jisung tells him, just as quiet – because even if it were true, he really doesn’t have to love Jisung (Jisung will love him anyway). His arms rise to gently hold Minho too and he feels Minho’s grip on him tighten the smallest bit in turn.

How can you feel so happy despite your heart breaking?

Finally Minho presses a soft kiss against the side of his neck.

It’s when you have the love of your life in your arms but he doesn’t want to love you anymore.

“It’s not like us to be so serious, huh. Jisung?” Minho mumbles against him, void of the vulnerability from before, and he presses another short soft kiss against his neck. “Want to have some fun instead?”

This type of thing is and never has been just having fun for Minho. Minho doesn’t kiss, doesn’t touch and doesn’t fuck without feelings. It’s his own rule, he’s told Jisung many times before. There has to be a certain amount of affection and trust established for him to let you touch him. In any context involving touches Minho was never one to let just anyone near him, everything had to be controlled by him and he never really gave anything up.

Jisung has heard many people say that sex is just sex, but for Minho sex was never just sex. And between Minho and Jisung it was never just sex either; it was making love. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s the truth.

Every touch – in any context, from platonic to romantic to sexual – matters to Minho.

At least that was the case for the Minho from about ten months ago. Jisung has a sneaking suspicion, and maybe a little hope, that Minho hasn’t changed in that aspect.

One way or another, he has Minho’s consent and isn’t going to pass up the opportunity to have Minho for a little while longer.

The couch is big enough – a long time ago they had made sure to spend their money only on the best one, a big comfortable leather couch – so Jisung flips their positions, easily so, and stares down at the man he loves.

Surprised, now from under Jisung, Minho blinks up at him with round innocent eyes. Jisung doesn’t want to get his hopes up to make Minho stay forever but if he can satisfy Minho for tonight then that’s enough for him too.

It starts. Only Minho can so perfectly take Jisung apart and put him back together again.

Minho smirks lazily and reaches out to pull Jisung down for another searing kiss. Their tongues talk it out, exchanging hot breaths and exploring each other anew. It’s so addicting. Jisung has missed Minho so much, missed touching him like this, too. His hands travel up Minho’s sides under his shirt and his skin is as soft as Jisung remembers him to be. “You’re so beautiful,” Jisung breathes out when he breaks their sloppy exchange of spit to butterfly-kiss his way down Minho’s jaw and neck. Minho makes a tiny noise of pleasure and Jisung starts sucking at a spot he knows drives Minho crazy.

“Ahh,” Minho moans softly and grabs Jisung’s hair to press him closer.

“I wanna leave a mark, baby. Is that okay?” Jisung softly blows air on the chosen spot, making Minho shiver. “Just something small you can remember me by for a while.”

“Just fucking do it before I change my mind,” Minho has a bit of growl in his voice. “Touch me before I fucking change my mind, Han Jisung.” It’s hot. Minho is hot. Jisung continues his administrations.

Somehow he still remembers the map of Minho’s body clearly. There’s nothing forgotten. Every sensitivity, every weakness and vulnerability still deeply embedded in Jisung’s mind. At some point Minho becomes shirtless and Jisung sits back up to take in the sight. Whether with (Jisung’s) clothes on or naked or only shirtless like now – there’s no one more beautiful than Minho. He’d love to take a picture of the beauty under him that he knows he won’t be able to keep. “You’re so beautiful, hyung,” Jisung says, sitting between Minho’s thighs that cage him in. Gently tracing Minho’s body with his hands.

Minho only looks up at him in a daze.

It’s an expression Jisung used to be very familiar with – before.

Jisung leans down a little, one arm propped up on the couch, to carefully cradle Minho’s cheek with a hand, deeply gazing into his eyes and seeing everything he doesn’t say. Jisung summarises what he sees, “You look at me like you still love me.” Oh no, Minho’s eyes turn sad again. Jisung doesn’t want that to happen.

He kisses Minho again, just a press of their swollen lips – softly for comfort.

Then only a breath away from those sweet lips, Jisung opens his eyes to find Minho’s still closed and a small frown on his features. “You don’t have to love me anymore, it’s okay,” Jisung tells him and wipes away a stray tear falling down Minho’s cheek. Because, while he wants to be selfish, he doesn’t want to hurt Minho.

Minho looks at him like he still loves him and isn’t even denying it anymore.

In a way Jisung wears his heart on his sleeve only for Minho, and Minho has always had his own hidden on his tongue. Jisung kisses him again, meets his tongue and feels. Minho doesn’t even fight for dominance like he usually would (like he would have done back then); just pliantly kisses Jisung back. Slow and passionate, filled with things he doesn’t want to say.

Minho lets out a breath of conflicted relief through his nose, deepening the kiss and pulling Jisung closer by the collar of his shirt. “I don’t have to love you and I don’t want to anymore,” Minho says – an unspoken but obvious ‘I still love you’ hangs in the air –  voice raspy and panting a little from the airless kiss, when he breaks off and tugs at Jisung’s shirt. Jisung obediently takes it off and throws it somewhere on the floor.

The smile Minho gives him is new. Jisung sees it for the first time, when Minho says this: “And I know you don’t love me either, Jisung.”

Jisung thought the worst pain was over with the first heartbreak when Minho had left him, but this hurts just as much. Minho breaks his heart all over again and smiles while he does it. It’s so cruel of him. It’s cruel but Minho isn’t, because Minho genuinely believes it and maybe that’s the part that hurts the most.

Heartbreak is soundless.

Jisung has learned that already, he doesn’t need another lesson. “No,” he shakes his head, “Say anything you want but don’t say something like that. It hurts. I–”

Minho shuts him up with another kiss. This one is rougher, dominating, and passionate in different ways. A hand grabs Jisung by the hip and presses him down against him. Minho grinds his own up. Jisung breaks the kiss off with a barely contained moan “Ahh, Minho!”

He hides his face in Minho’s neck, breathing heavily from the lack of air and the unexpected hot sensation.

And Minho doesn’t even give him a moment to catch his breath, he simply pulls him up by the hair at the back of his neck and hungrily kisses him again. Keeps grinding his hips up and Jisung can’t help but follow his movement. He’s so gone for this man.

The TV is still on, it’s background noise. Ten months ago, Minho would have interrupted the whole session just to turn it off and save energy. Tonight, the colourful light from the screen illuminates the room and decorates Minho’s face. Things have changed.

Jisung pulls away just to stare at the face so perfectly sculpted to be held gently by him. “I love you,” Jisung says, leaning his forehead against Minho’s as they hold each other’s gaze. Their hips move in slow tandem. Breath hot. Minho’s eyes flutter in pleasure, he only hums – whether it’s out of pleasure or acceptance of the state of Jisung’s emotions.

It’s when he kisses and sucks at another memorised favourite spot of Minho’s neck – he realises Minho is just as touch starved and desperate as he is.

Maybe it’s pride. Maybe it’s love.

All at once Jisung knows.

All the things Minho doesn’t want to say, with his heart hidden on his tongue. He has never hidden a thing from Jisung before and even now, he is not able to.

“I love you, baby,” Jisung kisses a trail up and bites his earlobe, whispering hot while his hand travels to Minho’s waistband. His own dick straining painfully against his boxer briefs – it’s good that he stuck with sweatpants after all. The blood has not only rushed down but also up to his head. He’s hot all over. “Minho hyung, I missed you so much. I missed you every day,” he finds himself whining as he feels Minho’s hands desperately clutching onto him, pulling him closer, grinding up into nothing as Jisung is busy freeing his dick and trying to hold Minho’s hips down.

He just wants to give Minho all of himself.

“Just take it off,” Minho urges and clumsily tries to do exactly that. Jisung sits up and helps him, pulls his underwear down with it and again, finds himself mesmerised.

Laid bare, needy and open in front of him, Minho looks heavenly. Flushed skin and hasty hands, Minho fumbles with Jisung’s own pants, “You too, Jisung,” he sounds helpless, “Don’t leave me alone. Come on. Jisung.”

Jisung obeys, stands up for a moment to struggle out of his sweatpants and underwear in a haste to touch Minho again. He can’t stand being away from him now that he’s got a taste for his skin again. Jisung hisses as soon as his dick springs free, hard and throbbing.

Breathless, Minho watches him and chuckles a little at Jisung’s sensitivity, no less needy though.

“You’re so beautiful, baby,” Jisung says when he takes his place on top of Minho and between his powerful legs. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” and presses soft kisses all over his face as their bodies fully feel each other without the restraint of clothes in between.

Clumsy, they’re so clumsy. Even though they know each other’s bodies so well already it feels new tonight.

“Mhh,” Minho moans quietly, pressing his lips into a thin line to suppress the sound when Jisung grinds down hard. He harshly takes Jisung by the nape again. “You’re cute so desperate,” Minho mocks him as if he himself isn’t just as desperate as Jisung. But Jisung groans at the words and the tug at his hair anyway. With one hand he starts toying with Minho’s nipple and with the other hand he travels Minho’s searing skin down his shoulder, his waist, his hips, and then takes it up again to spit into it and reaches between Minho’s legs.

“Jisung!”

He smiles, keeps stroking Minho’s dick. He wants Minho to lose his composure completely tonight.

“Take me to the bedroom, what the hell,” Minho pushes Jisung by his chest, only a little so they can look at each other properly. Breathless, messy, heavenly Minho. “Stop smiling at me like that!” Minho scolds, but his lips definitely quirk up in amusement, “You know how weird leather feels under my bare sweaty back and ass right now? Me and the couch, neither of us deserve that.”

“Alright, alright,” Jisung laughs, feeling warm at the light atmosphere and pulls Minho up with him, and keeps tugging him along into the bedroom with rushed steps. They’re walking butt naked – simply being naked around each other stops being embarrassing a few years into living together, whether it’s the old dorms or this apartment – even after ten months of absence.

They step into the bedroom. Jisung turns on the lights.

Ah.

“This is a fucking mess, Jisung. Turn the lights off, I don’t wanna see what you’ve done with the place.”

God, now Jisung feels embarrassed. He forgot about the bedroom’s state. (Still, as if he’d turn the lights off for that… He wants to be able to see everything tonight.) He turns the room light off but turns on the dimmer lights on the bed’s headboard.

It doesn’t look that bad, in his defense; it’s only a few clothes and empty water bottles flying around – it’s just that Minho likes especially the bedroom clean and organised. It’s really like nothing changed, when Minho tugs his hands free of Jisung’s and walks further into the room while Jisung follows with his metaphorical tail basically tucked between his legs “Are the sheets clean?” Minho asks with a raised unimpressed brow.

Jisung gulps. Thank the heavens he has changed the sheets just yesterday. “Yes.”

“Okay,” Minho smiles then and comes close to Jisung again to peck his lips. Minho’s the one that takes Jisung’s hand to intertwine it with his own, their fingers fitting in between each other’s perfectly; just like before.

A well-loved fact by Jisung: Minho’s hands are a little smaller than his. (But Minho is still a little taller.)

With his free hand he cradles Minho’s face again, just to make sure Minho is real – he’s had enough unfulfilling dreams even if it’s cruelly rare of Minho to even visit him in his sleep – and imprint the feeling into his mind. “I missed you so much,” Jisung whispers against his lips, pressing simple kiss after kiss after kiss.

For some reason Minho pulls back and shakes his head at him while Jisung confusedly blinks at him. In a flash Minho turns him by his waist and pushes him on the bed. Jisung easily falls back and slides up a little to properly lay on the pillows, only a little surprised as Minho climbs on his lap. Hands reflexively on Minho’s hips, he isn’t sure what he wants to say but when he opens his mouth Minho immediately fills it with his tongue.

Minho kisses him breathless.

Abruptly stops again.

“This is only for fun, Jisung,” Minho huffs against his lips, eyes travelling across Jisung’s face until they gaze deeply into Jisung’s eyes as if they’re trying to tell Jisung something else. But Jisung doesn’t have the time to figure it out as Minho lowers his head to his neck, to suck a mark onto Jisung too, the spot almost identical to the first one Jisung left on him tonight.

Jisung hums, feels Minho press the rest of his body against him again. Grinding isn’t all they’ll be doing tonight, Jisung realises that when Minho bites his neck lightly and then trails lips, tongue and teeth down his chest to his pelvis and, “Ohh, fuck.” Jisung arches up. Then props himself up on his elbows to look at Minho, pretty lips sensually sucking the head of his cock.

“No foreplay anymore?” he groans when Minho licks a long stripe up his dick before he sucks on the head again.

He pops off wetly to answer, “You talk too much. Get the lube.” Keeping his eyes on Jisung’s, he gives a kiss to the side of his dick.

“Okay baby,” Jisung shivers and lightly chuckles, not able to take his eyes off him, and blindly reaches over to grab the lube in the first drawer of the bedside table. “Ahh,” Jisung moans, tensing up and almost dropping the bottle he just grabbed because Minho took his cock into his mouth again, a little more than just the head this time and bops up and down. Jisung keeps quietly moaning, biting his lips to keep quiet; he’s never been the quiet type in bed, whether it’s screams, moans or talking. Jisung just can’t shut up.

Through wet slurping sounds, Minho takes inch for inch more with every up and down movement of his head. One of his small hands helps to jerk Jisung off. Jisung drops the lube next to him on the bed and reaches over to put a hand on Minho’s hair, not grabbing it just laying it there as Minho sucks the life out of him. “Hyungie, you’re so good to me,” Jisung throws his head back as Minho swallows around him but he wants to keep watching. He can’t miss a thing.

Then Minho deepthroats him. His pretty lips reach Jisung’s base and his cheeks hollow around him. Jisung isn’t gonna last like this, he gently but desperately goes through Minho’s hair, holding himself back from pulling, “Hyungie, hyungie, I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna–”

Instantly Minho pulls off his dick and stops Jisung from cumming too soon by grabbing at the base his lips just met a moment ago. Jisung is so sensitive, he just wants to come and doesn’t even care how whiny he sounds, “Why did you do that, hyung… Please let me come, please.”

“You’ve become a quickshot, huh,” Minho scoffs, a little smirk on his spit-swollen lips as he toys with Jisung’s ego – to be fair it’s a pretty big ego, the confidence half real half fake. Minho comes back up to Jisung’s lips and kisses him, making Jisung taste himself. Anything tastes good from Minho’s mouth. Their tongues dance for a while, Jisung is torn between trying to calm down and more excitement. Minho lets go off his dick at some point to let both his hands travel Jisung’s body again and Jisung pulls Minho closer by hip and neck.

Jisung hears the lube bottle open (he’ll enjoy anything they do, as always). He’s too busy kissing and feeling Minho up to pay attention to that.

At least until Minho moans languidly against his lips. Jisung pulls away to look at his flushed scrunched up expression and unoccupied lips now being chewed on. It isn’t hard to figure out what Minho’s doing on top of him.

Jisung slides his hand from Minho’s hips to squeeze his ass cheek before he moves it further and gently pulls Minho’s fingers out of his hole. “Let me prep you, baby.” He gives Minho another quick kiss and then swiftly changes their positions, pressing Minho against the bedsheets.

Splayed out underneath him looking like the pinnacle of everything beautiful Jisung has ever seen in his life – Minho. A unique personality that is both ice cold and comfortably hot. Strong and lean, offering himself bare to Jisung.

Minho.

Jisung can’t quite believe he gets to fuck him again after so long. Gets to be connected with him again.

Frankly he would have been totally fine with anything tonight: doing nothing or just kissing, then just a blowjob, but of course, Minho still manages to surprise him. Genuinely, Jisung didn’t know tonight would turn out like this at all.

Sitting between Minho’s thighs, Jisung spreads them further apart. The sight greeting him is Minho’s pink hole and his hard dick red and shiny, leaking pre-cum against his smooth stomach. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Minho hyung,” Jisung tells him as he lubes his fingers up and then carefully prods at Minho’s hole with one. It’s so inviting.

Minho smiles lazily, “You keep saying that. Will you compliment me all night?”

“If you want me to,” Jisung presses the first digit in to gently open him up, attentively watching Minho’s reactions. Minho bites his lip and mewls quietly. He always takes the first one well and Jisung knows talking helps him relax for more. “I’ll do anything for you,” he whispers and leans further down for a moment to press a short kiss against his lips. “You’re so tight for me. Did you think about me too? Once in a while?”

Another finger inside, Minho evades the question by moaning and grabbing a fistful of the pillow under his head. “Go faster,” Minho breathes out and rolls his hips against his fingers. And then soon when Jisung puts in the third digit, Minho lays his head to the side and looks up at Jisung with half lidded eyes, biting his bottom lip only to slowly let it free again.

So damn erotic.

“I’ll make you feel so good, hyung, I promise. I want you think about me too. I want you to think about me next time– every time you fuck yourself on your fingers. I want you to remember how good I make you feel. I think about you all the time so please… Remember me, Minho hyung. If your heart doesn’t want me anymore, let your body miss me. Think of me, okay?”

Hanging onto every word, Minho gazes up at him from under his lashes. He nods twice before he closes his eyes and lets out a blissed-out breath when Jisung scissors his fingers inside of him.

Jisung is going to be so embarrassed if he comes untouched just from prepping Minho – it did happen before, not very often, but it did happen. Jisung is lucky he gets off on a bit of humiliation sometimes. As long as it’s Minho with him that is. And mean Minho can be quite hot.

“You thought about me? After I left, who else did you try out?” Minho shakily whispers against his lips and puts both hands on either side of Jisung’s head, confidently keeping eye contact – Jisung fucking loves watching him and his whole body react to his touches. He’s been evading that special bundle of nerves on purpose for a while now but maybe he should just– “Jisung!” Yes, wonderful.

“Of course, I thought about you,” Jisung says against his lips, they don’t really kiss just breathe against each other. Jisung isn’t sure if Minho even hears him talking through his loud moans and whines, shaking on the sheets, letting go of Jisung’s face so he can grab at the sheets under him desperately as Jisung keeps prodding his sweet spot with his fingers. “I didn’t touch anyone else after you left; I don’t want to touch anybody but you like this. At first I tried not to touch myself to the thought of your body. The shame was too much. But I didn’t last long after the first wet dream. You used my shame against me, hyung, you’re so mean.” He sounds teasing but it’s the truth. He smiles at the way Minho’s cool façade crumbles even more underneath him.

Voice pitched high and helpless, Minho can barely keep his eyes open to glare up at him, lashes fluttering, “A-Ah…! Jisung, if you don’t… Mm! Get inside of me already, Jisung!”

Jisung obediently takes his fingers out of his hole. “Are you sure you’re ready? What about condoms?” He asks him and gives him another quick kiss just because he can.

“Yes, Jisung, I’m ready! It’s fine like this. I– I want to feel you completely–”

Breath hitching, he abruptly shuts up as soon as he feels Jisung line up his lubed up cock against his prepped hole. Then Jisung, now sat up, grabs his waist, slowly presses further inside while Minho’s strong thighs pull him closer to speed things up. But Jisung wants to be careful as not to hurt the other so he tries hard to resist (Minho is way stronger than Jisung though).

“Come on, why are you so damn gentle…” Minho mumbles as he leans up and throws his arms around Jisung’s neck to pull him down with him as he lets himself fall back on the sheets, “Be a little mean to me too, come on. You’re a bad guy now, aren’t you?”

Jisung shakes his head, biting his lip. Somehow the mocking words are sexy and hurtful at the same time. Either way Minho’s muscular thighs easily pull him in, Jisung bottoms out. “Fuck,” he curses as his own thighs meet Minho’s ass cheeks.

So hotly enveloped in the tight heat, Jisung needs a moment and lets his head rest on Minho’s chest. Feeling affectionate, he peppers slow kisses where his lips can reach. Damn, if he starts moving too soon, he’ll blow his load immediately. It’s been so long. “Hyungie, you feel so good. I missed you so much.”

“Of course, you missed me. Who else is a better fuck than me?” Minho whispers, trying to roll his hips defiantly as Jisung tries to hold his hips down. Jisung needs to stay strong. Just let me feel you for a bit, I don’t want this to end too soon.

“You’re the best, hyung. Only you,” naturally Jisung gives in, lets Minho roll his hips as he himself starts carefully pulling out only to gently push in again. Minho tries to go faster as Jisung tries to keep it slow and gentle. “You feel so good around me, holy shit. You’re so tight, Minho hyung. Let me just calm down for a sec…”

Apparently Jisung’s pace is too slow and too gentle for Minho to bear. In the next moment Minho has a dazed Jisung pinned to the mattress, smirking down at him, a little breathless.

Endeared, Jisung smiles up at the love of his life in absolute adoration.

The sweetness doesn’t get to last long. Minho plants his hands on Jisung’s chest, rises up and slams himself down on Jisung’s dick. Jisung tightly grabs at his hips again. They moan out in unison – yet Jisung is definitely louder. Well, he’s always been.

Minho groans and clenches down on him when he finally finds his prostate on his own up there. It’s like he’s simply using Jisung but Jisung knows better – Minho knows what Jisung likes just as much as Jisung knows what Minho likes.

“How– Fuck– How many times do you think you can cum?”

“Huh?” Jisung can barely widen his eyes at the foreshadowing question with Minho bouncing on his cock like that. From their time before, he remembers one particular night – very carefully planned out and very intense – where they had both cum four times. But tonight is spontaneous and pent-up differently. “I– Mm!– Maybe twice? W–why?”

But Minho doesn’t answer him, instead he slows down to a strong grind and leans down to kiss him, deep and wet with tongue.

Jisung moves his hands up from his hips to his waist and circles them to hold him closer as he tries to properly grind up in return. Both their skin has turned a little slippery with the sweat.

Minho pulls away, hips now slower but taking Jisung’s dick deeply, moving in circles. Against his lips he mumbles his answer, “Because I won’t remember you if you can’t impress me, Jisung.”

Fuck. He’s such a tease but that makes sense, doesn’t it? The hours at the gym show their worth. Jisung tightens his hold around Minho’s waist and thrusts up harder, again and again. Hears Minho prettily moan into his ears – struggles to hold back his own groans of pleasure just so he can hear Minho’s better – and Minho meets his pace, bouncing on top of him and laying his weight on him, chest to chest.

It’s so wet. It’s so hot. It’s so… Jisung has known right when they started already that he wasn’t going to last long.

And he really isn’t going to. “Minho hyung, you feel so– I can’t, hyung, I’m gonna…!”

Minho sounds so fucked out, so breathless and so satisfied. “Inside. Cum inside. Let go, love.”

Love. Jisung whines shamelessly. Almost sobs at the word.

The corners of his sight turn white for a moment. His hips stutter through the deep thrusts, then presses up as far as he can and he cums the hardest he has in months. Satisfied groans. Can’t stop cumming inside Minho’s ass. Leaving traces of himself deep in him.

And Minho takes it all – milks him of all he’s worth, moves his hips up and down a few more slow times on shaky tights – wet squelching sounds as their skin meets – jerking himself to completion and clenching around him.

Minho comes all over Jisung’s torso, making Jisung feel like a piece of art.

When Minho finally slows to a stop on top of him, he leans up closer a little to look down at Jisung – they’re both still trying to catch their breath and their skin is sticky, both with sweat and cum. Despite being a little shaky from his own orgasm, he gently wipes away the tears trailing down Jisung’s cheek – oh, Jisung hasn’t even realised he dropped a few happy ones.

He feels so blissed out, he can barely think properly as he pants, “I love you, Minho hyung.” His arms are still around Minho. Their bodies buzz in the afterglow.

One thing is for sure: Jisung doesn’t want to let go.

Minho gives him a wistful smile that Jisung can’t question longer than a moment because Minho leans down to kiss him again, so gently, so sweetly.

He’s still inside Minho, feeling his cum drip out around his cock and out of Minho’s ass, and Jisung wants to stay here forever. Just the thought of having filled up Minho so good, so deeply, and still feeling him all around him, makes Jisung’s cock stir again.

Jisung only interrupts their kiss because this is supposed to be about making Minho feel good. “You make me feel so good, hyung. I wanna make you feel even better.”

Minho pecks him one last time with that same smile. With a lightly trembling hand he fixes Jisung’s messy hair away from his forehead. “You’re so cute.”

Jisung has to smile because it warms his heart; although he would rather hear Minho call him love again but he’s not going to push it. Minho carefully grinds his hips down again, hissing at the feeling. “Can you take one more time for me, Hannie?” he whispers against his lips, moves to kiss the drying tear trails on his cheeks.

“Anything for you,” Jisung answers him honestly, feels his eyes well up with more tears at Minho’s tender movements. It feels so amazing to be touched by Minho so lovingly.

It’s almost like nothing changed and they’re still the same.

‘Almost’ because they both know things aren’t the same as before. Minho huffs a little laugh and then kisses his forehead. Another tear does drop from Jisung’s eyes after all, not a happy one. Minho wipes away that one too.

With Minho touching him like this Jisung decides to change things in more ways than one.

But for tonight he starts by lifting Minho off his dick, leaving Minho’s hole with a squelching sound. Quickly but carefully, he lays him down on the bed and raises Minho’s legs a little in the air, so some of his cum stays inside him. He likes watching the rest drip down too. He likes just looking at Minho.

Jisung leans further between his spread legs, sucks and bites on Minho’s inner thighs. All soft skin but hard muscle underneath. And it makes Minho grab Jisung’s hair at the sensations. Minho looks so pretty, dark hair fanned out on the pillow.

Keeping hold of Minho’s thighs and then leaning towards him – the dancer’s easy flexibility having always been a turn on – he travels open-mouthed kisses up Minho’s pelvis, tummy, chest and neck. Minho hums quietly, a dazed smile on his face.

In a while the head of Jisung’s dick nudges against Minho’s dripping hole and Minho impatiently tries him to get inside again but Jisung doesn’t let it happen so easily. Although Minho’s impatience definitely turns him on more, dick slowly but proudly standing at attention again.

Waiting is also a bit of punishment for himself.

Both of their eyes closed in pleasure, Jisung easily makes their lips meet again and Minho whines into his mouth – Jisung feels the vibrations on his tongue.

Once he presses inside him again, he leans away and takes a moment to simply appreciate. And while he enjoys looking at the way Minho’s dripping hole sucks his dick in, he loves the view he has as a whole. At each other’s mercy. Only for each other.

It feels like heaven. Tonight, their souls are intertwined once again. All senses filled with each other; sight, taste, smell, sound, touch. With body, mind, and soul, Jisung feels overwhelmed in the best way by everything – Minho’s whole being.

Maybe, Jisung hopes, Minho feels the same.

Minho’s sharp cool features, with his eyes resembling the attentive ones of a cat and lips always kissable. Looking pleased with his eyes closed. Their connection perfect. Long lashes flutter as sparkly deep brown eyes open to stare up at him, frowning the tiniest bit and biting his lips because of the sensitivity.

Eye contact – it’s always been a meaningful thing between these two in every sense there is. A silent way of communication. Secret glances in public, friendly eye smiles, deeply intimate gazes like right now and many different kinds more.

Jisung finally pushes in to the hilt and takes proper hold of Minho’s thighs again, hiking them up for a better angle. “Want me to impress you now?” he asks, watching Minho lustfully blink up at him.

If he’s honest with himself, or if they’re both honest with themselves and each other, then they would both know that Minho will never forget Jisung. Jisung has already left his imprints, just as Minho did on him. They’re soulmates – no fairy tale, no blockbuster movie. No matter what happens, Minho won’t erase a thing even if tonight he says hurtful things to bruise Jisung’s ego. They both know all that somewhere deep inside. But what does that matter after all that’s already happened?

Minho gives him a nod. He puts a finger against his lip, keeping eye contact with Jisung, as he slowly takes his own finger into his mouth and toys with it, all tongue and spit. The sight energises Jisung and makes him feel like he could go for many more rounds, many more hours.

Minho doesn’t touch, doesn’t kiss and doesn’t fuck without feelings.

Jisung slowly starts to pull out, only to thrust in hard. He fucks into him. “Ahh, Jisung…” Minho moans quietly, closing his eyes and immediately grabbing at the pillow under his head, “Right there, do that again.”

As he thrusts into Minho’s body again – soon setting a balanced pace and making his love whine and writhe on the sheets – Jisung looks down at Minho and thinks he doesn’t even want Minho’s body. Sure, he loves Minho’s body. The way Minho clenches around him, strong smooth thighs encasing him, trained arms pulling at him to be closer, and such a pretty face too. The only one he wants to ever fuck, ever feel so intimately is right here in front of him.

Maybe it’s a bit of a late realisation.

All of Minho is loved by Jisung simply because it’s Minho.

But he doesn’t simply want Minho’s body. They wouldn’t even need to fuck like this, Jisung would still happily stay by his side. But it’s a wonderful bonus Jisung won’t decline. It’s like their bodies are made for each other, melting together and moving perfectly in sync. Jisung wants all of Minho and wants to give Minho all of him. Honestly as long as they’re together Jisung is fine doing anything and everything and nothing at all.

Minho feels so amazing around him though. He tries to keep his own sounds low as to hear Minho’s clearly. Jisung groans at the way Minho takes each of his thrusts. “Baby, tell me how I make you feel.”

“You fuck me so well. Go ha–harder!”

Jisung obeys. There are only sounds of pleasure and skin slapping in the room. Every thrust Jisung bottoms out hard, balls and hips meeting Minho’s ass cheeks loudly, pulls out till only his head is inside and quickly pushes in again; just the way Minho likes. Minho reaches down to touch himself but Jisung gives one particularly hard thrust to his prostate to surprise him and takes the trying hand into his own, intertwining their fingers and holding him against the sheets.

Hand holding. Hand holding, too. It’s a thing between them. A special way of wordless communication just by touch, learned early on in their friendship.

“Wanna see you come untouched,” Jisung breathes out in between his grunts, chasing both their orgasms but Minho should come first. “Let’s see how good I can make you feel, baby.”

If their bodies allowed it, Jisung could do this all day and all night. He loves being the one to make Minho lose his composure, to make him melt in his arms and of course, he enjoys that he can come apart for Minho too. Every thrust feels spectacular and nobody could ever compare to the way Minho’s body takes Jisung’s dick. In and out and in and out, it’s so good. Jisung wants to keep the pace without cumming too fast. Tonight should last as long as possible.

The whines and moans spilling from Minho’s lips are too sweet not to listen to. “Jisung, Jisung, yes, yes. Jisung, fuck. I love– fuck, I love–” Jisung leans down to listen, so fucking desperate for his words but when Minho opens his eyes to meet his, there’s a mean playful glint in his eyes. Barely able to speak through the harsh movements, Minho keens, keeping his eyes trained on Jisung’s and a sultry smirk on his flushed face.

“Ah, I – I love your cock, Jisung.”

Jisung smiles bitterly and bites his bottom lip, “You’re so mean, hyung.”  

Almost bending him in half, he keeps one hand holding his thigh up as he bends down to exchange a wet conversation of tongues. Minho tightly squeezes Jisung’s hand when he starts to only hit his prostate now, no teasing or holding back anymore. The squelching and slapping sounds from their connection drives Jisung a little crazy and Minho. Oh Minho, he looks so beautiful under him. Sounds so beautiful under him. He feels so good, so good, so good… Minho is everything good.

With a dreamy sigh, Jisung leans his sweaty forehead against Minho’s, staring deeply into his hazy eyes and hot breaths mingling. Jisung adores Minho.

Minho tries to keep his eyes open but they keep fluttering in barely disguised pleasure. Jisung knows he’s about to reach his peak.

“Go first, baby. Let me see you paint yourself,” Jisung hums quietly, looking forward to the sight. Minho frowns a little and his eyelids keep fluttering open and closed in his pleasure, trying to keep their eye contact going.

The bed frame creaks a little with their movements.

Minho’s shiny leaking dick keeps bumping against his abdomen; the only touch he gets for it. Little high-pitched Ahh ah ah noises slipping out his parted lips with every heavy thrust. Jisung bites his own to keep quiet and memorise the sweet sounds. Desperately Minho tries to roll his hips up, it quickly turns sloppy.

In contrast to the harsh fucking, Jisung gently traces his thumb across the back of his hand. Minho holds on tighter. Every thrust against his prostate, Jisung feels him pulsing around him. Minho becomes tighter around his dick.

And finally, throwing his head back in pleasure and arching up from the mattress, Minho spurts out his release all over his own chest – all with a loud scream of Jisung’s name. Cum and hickies littering his skin. Fuck.

Minho’s clenching so impossibly tight now. Jisung’s gonna cum right after him.

Jisung keeps thrusting, losing himself a little just from having seen and felt Minho reach his peak. And Minho’s dick bops with the movement, still spurting out more cum in the tiniest amounts. Ah fuck, that’s hot.

“Hyung, hyung, hyung,” Jisung desperately whispers, keeps on thrusting as deep as he can go and pace turning sloppy. He can’t pull out; Minho holds him close with his legs tightly wound around his hips. “Minho!”

In the frenzy of desperate movements, Minho’s dick almost becomes hard again and makes Minho’s body shine more with the messy release getting smeared around. “It’s okay, Jisung, I told you– Ah– already, Ah!” Minho breathes out, voice shaky and high, staring up so sweetly at Jisung.

Despite looking absolutely boneless underneath him, Minho keeps his hold strong, face scrunched up half in painful sensitivity and pleasure, still gladly taking all of Jisung. “You promised to impress me, di–didn’t you? Keep that promise. Fill me up, love.”

There it is again. Love.

Minho knows how to play the cords of Jisung’s heart and body. Jisung feels so helpless at his mercy. “M–Minho…!” He whines, voice broken. He thrusts in once, twice and then his hips stutter inside Minho. And one last time, he cums deep inside of Minho. And Minho sweetly gasps at the feeling another load of warm cum inside of him. Jisung cums so much. It feels incredible, spilling into Minho’s insides.

Sweet mewls keep coming from Minho under him. A few more weak shallow thrusts before Jisung really stills. They’re both panting, sticky and sweaty.

Again, Minho’s already filled asshole clenches around him to get more out of him. Then the shaky thighs around him fall limp on the bed. The cum has even dropped out at the sides of Minho’s hole, flowing down his ass cheeks onto the mattress. But Jisung stays inside of his heat. He wants to stay here forever.

He wants to stay with Minho forever.

“Hyung,” Jisung sobs so quietly, sensitive in every way and feeling so blessed. Carefully as not to crush him, laying on top of Minho. “Minho, Minho hyung, I’m so sorry. I love you. I love you so much.” He knows he’s blabbering stupid things again, hiding his face in the space between Minho’s sweaty chest and neck. Both sweaty and sensitive, his hands roam all over Minho’s body, just because he wants to and just because he’s real and here.

In the best of ways Jisung feels so torn open, he can’t help himself from saying what he feels.

(Although he’s always had that issue when it comes to Minho ever since they had first kissed.)

“I missed you so much. Hyung, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me again. I’ll do anything, okay? Anything you want, Minho hyung. Just don’t leave me, please.”

But all Minho does is softly shush him and caress Jisung’s hair like he would have done back then – before.

“Please, please, please…” Jisung keeps on mumbling, a little sleepy and so at home in Minho’s arms. He feels so good with Minho here and yet so lost, he doesn’t know what to do with himself because he knows it’ll be over too soon.

“Jisung… I–” Fearing his words, Jisung lifts his head and kisses him passionately to interrupt. As if the kiss too is begging with him, and the only one responding is Minho’s tongue but not Minho himself.

Either way Minho gets it because he doesn’t say anything more when Jisung pulls away to look at him. Minho’s expression doesn’t give away much at first glance, but his eyes alone have always been very expressive, looking up solemnly into Jisung’s teary ones.

Minho pulls him down against him again. Just to lay there for a while. Of course, Jisung holds onto him.

Quiet. Peaceful.

Just for tonight.

One last time, love.

At some point Jisung does have to pull out, both of them sensitive. Careful not to jostle Minho too much and his limbs weak, Jisung sits up and just as carefully pulls out. Minho mewls and paws at his chest and shoulders in the process.

With his dick not there to plug it up, Minho’s gaping hole tries to clench around nothing as the cum flows out. A little surprised by the large amount, Jisung very much likes the way it looks. It’s all for you, hyungie.

Then Jisung moves his eyes up to Minho’s and Minho is already looking at him, pliant and still.

“Maybe we should shower,” Minho suggests, voice a little raspy. Understandably so, after a blowjob and some pretty screams. One more time Jisung caresses Minho’s chest, his pretty pecs, rubs his thumbs over his erect nipples and makes Minho hiss before he smiles down at him and nods.

And just like they would’ve done before, they help each other stand up and move towards the bathroom, take a leak each and then discuss whether it’s shower or bath (“If we take a bath, we’ll fall asleep in it.” – “No? I’ll carry you back to bed if you fall asleep.” – “No, Jisung, you’d literally fall asleep first.” – “That happened only once!”) and then stand together under the shower and helping clean each other up. It’s nostalgic.

Bold tonight, Jisung especially has an amazing time helping Minho with cleaning the cum out of his ass not only with his hands but also with his tongue; careful and gentle of course. As apparent revenge Minho fingers him, ignoring Jisung’s begging for him to either put his dick inside of him or at least let him finish with his fingers. Dirty talking all the way through, Minho purposefully does not do anything that Jisung begs him for. A little mean but also very hot. They know each other’s boundaries well after all these years of discussions and experimenting together. It’s fun.

When he tells Minho as much after they’re done, Minho slaps his arm despite having even less energy now. They laugh and joke around.

(It’s all like before. Jisung keeps that part to himself.)

When they’re back in the bedroom Jisung hands Minho an oversized t-shirt and clean underwear before he wears some himself. Rushing to the kitchen on wobbly legs Jisung fills two cups of water and takes some candy from the cabinet, rushes back and hands Minho one of each. It makes Minho smile a little. Jisung watches him drink it all before he drinks his own water.

It all goes so naturally until they’re both laying in bed next to each other under the covers. (On Minho’s request, Jisung has exchanged the dirty bedsheets for clean ones.)

It’s Minho who starts the conversation. Only after he’s turned away to lay on his side.

“I’ll be gone by morning. I won’t come back, so… this is the last time.”

If Jisung opens his mouth again all he’d do is start begging so he simply rolls over to his side and wraps his arms around Minho’s waist and pulls him close. Skin to skin, Minho’s back against his chest. Jisung’s heart thuds in a loud but peaceful rhythm against his ribcage trying to reach out.

He presses a soft kiss against the back of his neck.

“It’s mostly my fault for letting tonight happen,” Minho says. Cold assessment like it’s all a mistake, easily crushing his heart’s efforts. “Neither of us really deserved tonight, albeit in different ways. Tomorrow I’ll go back to my life and you go back to yours.”

Like Minho hasn’t been a steady part of his life since they were both teens. Until today it’s been about ten months of withdrawal after more than a decade together with Minho before.

And don’t get him wrong, it’s not that he unhealthily needs Minho. He simply wants Minho by his side – wants the two of them happy to be together, side by side.

Obviously they will still see each other. What with working in the same company, idol group and city. It’s inevitable. They’ll always be part of each other’s lives, already too deeply intertwined. But what was once a nice thing, will be awkward. Painful even. Once shared group schedules start again for them, it’ll be hard to get used to.

Although that’s the least of Jisung’s worries. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Especially since it’ll be a safe point of connection between them.

Life will go on just like it’s always done but Minho will leave a huge emptiness behind that Jisung will never be able to heal from. In the end he’s always known he wouldn’t like a world without Minho in it, right from the moment they had met.

And yet Jisung has ruined it all – their little world they once so easily got lost in.

It’s over. What a cruel joke. Jisung wryly smiles and nuzzles closer. Despite the hurtful words, he decides to simply enjoy listening to Minho’s voice. It’s bittersweet.

Minho sighs, like he knows what goes on in Jisung’s head (he probably does, to be honest). “Take care of yourself, alright?” he says quietly.

“Well, you gave me fresh jerk off material for at least another ten months so in that aspect I’ll be fine for a while,” Jisung cringes at his own tasteless joke but tries to laugh about it anyway. Jisung wants to cry but also wants to bask in the temporary happiness of having Minho in his arms again. What? Is he supposed to keep begging for Minho to stay when Minho has already made up his mind?

A voice in his head tells him Minho had made up his mind ten months ago too and yet, he is here tonight – with Jisung. “Maybe I should get a cat for the loneliness. One that will remind me of you,” that one is half joke half true.

“You’re an idiot, Jisung,” Minho whispers because Jisung is allergic to pet fur. “Get a lizard.” The tone of his voice so fond but so sleepy. After all he still cares about Jisung, really.

Jisung decides to let him sleep when he hears him yawn next. He chuckles quietly to himself and presses another small kiss to Minho’s shoulder, nuzzles close and enjoys having Minho safe and sound in his arms.

Only for tonight.

One last night.

Tonight, their souls have reunited. Intertwined for a limited time, lost in each other. Once tomorrow hits, their little world will be irrecoverably split into two again.

PART FOUR: FIX YOURSELF

Waking up with an empty space beside him just like every day the past ten months is surprisingly not what happens.

Jisung wakes up to Minho still sound asleep by his side, understandably so after the night’s activities. Minho’s arms are around him, holding Jisung in his sleep. Their legs are tangled together. It’s cosy and warm under the sheets. Minho is still wearing Jisung’s clothes.

Jisung feels the most comfortable he’s ever been lately. He feels at home again – happy even – with Minho by his side.

Through the white-translucent curtains of the window shines the sun right on Minho’s features. All of him glows, his long lashes, soft skin, straight slope of his nose and his rosy lips. Jisung allows himself to stare for a while. Every detail should be remembered.

For a moment Jisung wants to pretend the past ten months of withdrawal never existed.

But he doesn’t get to do that. The doorbell rings.

What time is it anyway? Jisung sighs and rolls over to check his phone for the time but the nightstand is empty. Ah right, he probably forgot it in the living room yesterday.

Minho stirs when the doorbell rings one more time.

Damn, someone can’t wait.

Jisung carefully fully detaches from Minho’s embrace. Dragging his sore body out of bed, Jisung realises he needs clothes first and grabs random clothes out of his closet, puts them on and rushes to the door.

Man, the doorbell rings again. Jisung opens the door, mildly annoyed by whoever is definitely waking Minho up by now.

“Changbin hyung?”

Well, that’s a surprise. Isn’t it still morning? Usually Changbin comes around in the evenings, but only once or twice a week, and usually with takeout food in tow. The only thing that’s the same is his blank expression, sharp eyes looking past Jisung into the apartment but not coming in.

“Where’s he?” Changbin asks, direct with no greeting no nothing. Not seeing much from his spot, he gives up on that, crosses his arms and raises an expectant brow at Jisung. A short glance at his exposed collarbone and up again.

Jisung frowns, confused. There’s a blush creeping up on his cheeks, he knows. Somehow he feels like he just got caught doing something he shouldn’t. “I– I don’t– Uh, who are you looking for?”

“You know damn well–” Changbin snaps, confusing Jisung even more, but stops and sighs, drags a hand down his face and starts again. Calm again, “Where’s Minho hyung? He texted us last night that he’d be here but didn’t take any of our calls after.”

Oh. Worry. Changbin is just worried.

But Jisung has a sneaking suspicion that he won’t be happy once he hears where Minho is or what he, no, what they have done. Changbin really cares about his friends, all of them. It makes sense that, while taking care of Jisung, he must’ve also taken care of Minho. Us? That’s probably Chan then? Chan has probably focused on taking care of Minho instead of Jisung. Who else could Changbin mean by us? Jisung isn’t sure.

“I’m right here,” Minho’s groggy voice comes from inside the apartment, “Hold on, I’m coming.”

Jisung feels like he has to hide something, so he stands a little further in the doorway and tries to keep the open space limited. He feels Changbin looking at him.

Tone neutral, Changbin calls out an “Alright!” but when Jisung looks up at him, he looks anything but. He’s glaring at Jisung with those intense eyes. That must be disappointment.

Well, nothing to hide anymore. Jisung sighs, defeated and opens the door wide and stands aside, wordlessly inviting Changbin in. Changbin only scrunches his nose up a little as he moves inside and Jisung closes the door behind them.

Changbin doesn’t even take off his shoes to properly come in, he just hovers around the entry way.

Coming out of the bathroom, Minho is in the middle of putting his shirt on. Between his thighs his denim jacket. He’s put on his own clothes instead of taking any of Jisung’s. His hair is dishevelled from sleep, his skin and slight limp carry obvious proof of last night. Once the shirt is properly on, he takes his denim jacket onto his arm.

Taking in the sight, Jisung and Changbin both watch him stroll the short way over.

Shooting Jisung a look, Minho shakes his head at him as he tries to smooth down his white t-shirt, “You said you’d wash our clothes or at least hang them up to dry but you didn’t do shit, Jisung. Typical.”

Ah, yes. Jisung completely forgot about that. The rain-drenched clothes from last night. That shirt is definitely crumbled as hell, so are Minho’s jeans and denim jacket on his arm. Their clothes smell bad now too probably. Well…

“Let’s go home and get you clean clothes. Pretty sure you stink in those,” Changbin eyes Minho up and down in a grimace. His eyes linger a little on the hickies littering his neck before he gives Minho a disappointed sigh. Minho averts his eyes to the floor.

And Changbin doesn’t spare Jisung another glance as he opens the apartment door again and turns back around to gesture with his chin that Minho should get a move on.

Minho gives one last faltering look to Jisung, paired only with a forced smile.

A silent farewell.

Then he follows Changbin out, eyes telling their shared friend something Jisung weirdly can’t quite put a read on. Changbin holds the door open for Minho to go first, and then Jisung sees Changbin give Minho another once-over from behind. Bothered, Jisung just raises a brow at that and watches them leave.

“Sorry for not taking your calls, Binnie. Forgot my phone in the bathroom after the rain last night and I…” Jisung doesn’t hear the rest because Changbin closes the apartment door. They leave. It’s a little weird, this whole situation.

Minho left.

Again.

Somehow it doesn’t hurt the way it did the first time. Jisung isn’t sure what he feels. The happiness has gone with Minho. An empty blank feeling is all that’s left; he feels it in his chest as if it were a physical condition. It doesn’t really hurt, it just… is. It’s there and it’s numb. Or maybe…

Maybe this is closure? In a way? Maybe they should have talked more though.

The day goes on, Jisung tries to be productive and clean around the apartment; reluctantly change the bedsheets  again, vacuum the whole place, sort through the bedroom and he even takes care of dust. At the end of the day, late at night, Jisung decides to text Minho a short message exactly about wanting to talk more, closure and all that.

But all he gets back is an error message. He’s still blocked. And Minho still doesn’t want to love him.

Again, it doesn’t hurt as much as the first time. Numbness.

Maybe it really is time to move on.

Dry throat, trembling fingers, teary eyes.

Life goes on, Han Jisung.

It takes some time but Jisung falls back into his life’s rhythm.

The first few weeks his lyrics are still sad, his days filled with distractions, his pent-up energy forced out at the gym and his body still follows the habits of loving Minho.

And then he suddenly doesn’t. Or maybe it’s not that suddenly. A slow gradual process of moving on with his life.

It starts when he, for the first time since forever, visits his family and spends time with them in Malaysia. And then when he’s back in Seoul, he accepts Hyunjin’s invitation to hang out and then Jisung even goes out with other friends too. At some point he just gives in more. On rare days he follows co-workers into restaurants and bars after work. Jisung still doesn’t touch alcohol which makes him become the designated sober friend who has to take care of the others not to make too much of a mess.

They don’t talk about it but Changbin stops coming over to bring him food and let him cry. Admittedly Jisung has only recently noticed the absence of his visits. Maybe it’s because they have become unnecessary anyway; Jisung doesn’t really need a shoulder to cry on anymore and he actually remembers to eat properly nowadays. The timeframe of when Changbin had usually come around, Jisung isn’t even home most days because he’s out doing things or wants to simply relax at the apartment on his own.

Nowadays 3RACHA meetings have been reduced to twice a month and there they still only talk about work – they’re professionals, alright? – but Chan has taken the time to comment on his liveliness coming back. “It shows in your work,” Chan says with a small smile, like he’s careful with his words. Jisung wants to tell him he doesn’t need to treat him like glass anymore. But then again, Chan is probably the best person to know when to be gentle and when to be firm.

So, Jisung only grins back in return.

When he sees Minho in the hallways of the company or in online articles, videos and photos then it’s all fine. He reads and checks those updates, as a fellow group member should, and his eyes only follow Minho’s silhouette for a bit but nothing more. Minho doesn’t like the rare occasions of eye contact but otherwise they’re both quite the professionals. Jisung can concentrate on his own life properly again, just like before.

Everything works again. Just with a bit of empty space.

Life goes on.

The trainees get excited about Jisung’s visits and lessons again, showing respect and awe at his experience. Some of them proclaim themselves as fans of their idol group or him personally as a producer. Just recently Jisung signed off a song to a popular rookie idol group. It’s a good song with an impressive concept and it’s going to be the title track. After so much time Jisung’s songs have found their old quality and while there are still some songs about heartbreak and his personal life, he also produces his trademark relaxing beats again. Some of the tracks are straight up fun too.

Today, after buying coffee at a local café, he hangs out at the apartment with Hyunjin and Jeongin. They congratulate him on the song deal before they talk about recent news and happenings. Just catching up on each other’s lives, comfortable on the black leather couch. The TV is on but the audio is put on low.

Jisung sees it out of the corner of his eyes just as Jeongin finishes talking about a trot tv show with young idols where he has become a judge on. They congratulate him and ask more about it. Jeongin excitedly tells them everything.

And then the topic ends slowly. Jisung sees the way Hyunjin’s posture and expression changes into thoughtfulness.

The lull in the conversation doesn’t last long.

“It’s nice to see you living again,” Hyunjin says with a smile on his face and happy eyes, not at all careful the way Chan is. “We missed you, you know. It’s great that we see each other again, your work is back up on its quality and you’re smiling and laughing! Han Jisung is finally healing… It’s great, man. I’m happy for you.”

Jisung takes a sip of his iced americano and shrugs with an amused half-smile. That’s such a sweet thing to hear from a friend. It warms his heart a little. Jisung’s always been like that. “Better now than never,” he tells them, a little proud of his progress.

“Oh,” Jeongin looks up, grinning. Jeongin’s so cute too. “That’s true. Everyone’s been so weird since– uh, I mean, since you’re back to normal, will the rest of us go back to normal too?” And he looks so excited and hopeful. They’re all proper adults now but Jeongin never lost even a bit of his brightness. “I want hangouts with all eight of us again! It’s been so long… we didn’t even see each other as eight on birthdays. Not even new years. I really wanna have fun with every one of us again!”

“Right?” Hyunjin nods with feeling and groans, “It’s been awkward for so long already. It can’t go on like this, right?”

Smile probably looking a little crooked, Jisung stares at his cup and scratches his neck. “I don’t know, you guys…”

Jeongin’s eyes turn wide in worry, “Are you… okay with talking about it? Sorry, I just assumed it was okay to mention… I really miss the eight of us together.”

“Have you talked with Minho hyung again yet?” Hyunjin asks casually but his eyes look like he’s wanted to ask for a long time.

Well, kind of. Jisung shrugs. What’s he supposed to answer? “It’s fine, we can talk about it. Uhh… but me and Minho hyung didn’t really…”

“He seems okay too,” Jeongin says, his eyes still empathetic but turning hopeful again. “Minho hyung’s been doing well too. I know you guys broke up but you can still be friends, right? Especially now that you’re both over it. You’ve been friends for way longer than a couple anyway.”

Oh, Jisung has tried not to think about Minho too much. He’s curious though. This is the first time someone directly tells him what Minho is up to. It’s been quite a while. He looks up at his two friends carefully, “How’s he?”

“Like Innie said, Minho hyung is okay,” Hyunjin confirms, relaxing a little now that he knows the topic is fine to talk about. “He spends a lot of time with Felix nowadays. And Chan hyung! Some of his other friends pick him up from the company sometimes too. Changbin hyung talks about Minho hyung here and there so I’m guessing they’re hanging out a lot too. And Seungminnie joins their small meetups sometimes, as he tells me. But I only see Minho hyung when we meet up for Danceracha time these days. I miss just hanging out with Minho hyung too...”

“Ah, Danceracha,” Jisung chuckles genuinely. The three dancers still make time in their schedule to meet up and dance together. As Jisung remembers they lead some dance classes for trainees together as well. He’s happy to hear that Minho is doing well.

“The hyungs took me for dinner last weekend,” Jeongin adds, “Well, Minho hyung and Chan hyung took me and Seungmin hyung out for dinner. Apparently Minho hyung is still quite popular.”

“Ah right!” Hyunjin laughs as he remembers something else, “Remember how straight up as rookies up till our most recent schedules Minho hyung is always offered so many phone numbers with those sandwiches?”

“And he made friends with everyone even though they definitely wanted something else from him,” Jisung raises his brows with a smirk at the memories. Interestingly enough, Minho has never even bragged about his popularity. But he has always liked getting free food out of it, happily munching on the sandwiches. And he kept losing the phone numbers too.

“Yeah, well, he’s a true professional,” Jeongin shrugs with a smile, finding it funny.

Hyunjin takes a sip from his drink then playfully winks at Jisung, “Yeah, but maybe it’s more like the loyal man had his eyes on someone else.”

“Mhh,” Jisung rolls his eyes at that, feeling warm. Is he blushing like a damn teenager again? “I don’t know about that.”

“Hold on,” Jeongin frowns a little, blinking at Jisung in confusion, “Everything went so well between you two, why did you break up?”

“You don’t know either?” Hyunjin looks surprised, “Me neither. No one wanted to tell me and Minho hyung didn’t want to talk about it… Although he would probably tell me now that everything’s fine, right? Chan hyung and Changbin hyung had looked like they knew straight from the beginning. And a week after your breakup, Seungmin and Felix. And I only got the news of the breakup when I came back from Paris… I didn’t even get any details. And Jisung… well, you were too sad to talk, too.”

“So, Hannie hyung, why did you two break up? Minho hyung left the apartment so quickly,” Jeongin curiously leans forward, “And who broke up with who? Since both of you were heartbroken afterwards.”

Oh. Until now Jisung thought they had known. Well, guess he’ll have to tell them then.

Friendships also change with breakups, don’t they?

The timeline makes sense. Seungmin still doesn’t talk to Jisung ever since the first week of the breakup and maybe it’s because Jisung ignored all his attempts at contact that first week, maybe not. Felix, ever since the breakup, glares at Jisung in the company hallways and never smiles his sunshine smile at him the way he did before. As for the other two… Chan never once asked if Jisung is okay, not then and not now. Before though, Chan had been so caring. He still is, kind of, but to Jisung he’s mostly kept to being polite and professional since then. Although he had comforted Jisung that one time he had broken down in the recording studios, always so good with words and empathy. And Changbin… he did keep coming around to care about Jisung. Brought him food and company. But he had never said a thing about what had happened and never mentioned Minho either, just let Jisung cry and comforted him silently while urging him to move on.

Only Hyunjin and Jeongin have, more or less, stayed the same.

Jisung has heard about this type of thing. Apparently when you share friends with your significant other and then break up, some of those shared friends will naturally gravitate to one side or another. It makes sense, it’s hard to properly care about two people who are supposed to be out of each other’s lives. Neutral ground is hard sometimes.

Well, case by case really. All of them still have to work together. Hyunjin and Jeongin are correct – things can’t stay awkward forever.

“Kinda thought you two would be forever,” Hyunjin says thoughtfully when Jisung is done. There is half of a bitter smile on his lips. He’s not able to keep eye contact with Jisung. “Lee Minho and Han Jisung… soulmates and all that stuff you two kept talking about.”

“Minho hyung too?” Jisung looks up, surprised. Here he was thinking he was the only one talking about Minho being his soulmate, but Minho did the same about him…? Jeongin nervously switches his gaze between Jisung and Hyunjin, listening intently and sitting on his hands.

“Yeah, I remember,” Hyunjin recalls, eyes on the coffee table. Clearly his mind is somewhere else now. “Once we almost– Ah. Not that it matters now.” Hyunjin rubs his nose and sniffs once as he drops the untold topic for another. But Jisung would really rather hear the story. “He’s always had a soft spot for you. Even when he tried not to show it. Hm. That’s the thing… I don’t know how you did it but you had Minho hyung wrapped around your little finger. You two had those weird phases of trying to keep each other at arm’s length, either at the same time or only one of you – which never lasted anyway. It was funny, how jealous you two got at times, but that’s when I noticed…” he trails off there, still looking thoughtful. “Actually, I think he fell in love with you first.”

“Ah, I know what you mean,” Jeongin smiles a little sad smile and slowly rocks back and forth in his seat as he glances at Jisung, “Minho hyung has always had this warm look in his eyes when it came to you, Jisung hyung. It was so interesting; back then I hadn’t even really thought about the whole love thing but seeing Minho hyung so… naturally? in love with you… I just understood. I didn’t think it’d end this way though…” Jeongin trails off with a shrug, looking down to the side with that uncomfortable smile.

“Hmm,” Jisung hums and takes another sip of his iced americano only to notice the to-go cup is empty. He doesn’t know what to say. All of their words are surprising somehow. Jisung isn’t sure why it surprises him so much when he’s joked about those same things back in the day. Noticing something by yourself for jokes and hearing it be confirmed by others is quite a different feeling. Although he’s thought that he had fallen in love first, that he’d been the obvious one despite trying to hide it, not Minho. Jisung ponders about it for a second.

It’s all over now though so what does it even matter?

“Well, I’m not gonna say much more about it. Talking about Minho hyung feels wrong now,” Hyunjin sighs, visibly conflicted as he ruffles through his raven hair. “I’ll go home for dinner. I think I need to talk to Seungmin.”

After they say their goodbyes and Hyunjin leaves, Jeongin stays a little longer. The heaviness of the topics before never quite leaves but they still put on a movie, chat about other things and hang out. But Jisung isn’t stupid, there’s something on Jeongin’s mind.

Before it gets too late at night, Jeongin leaves without speaking his thoughts. And Hyunjin’s untold story still whirls in Jisung’s head for a while.

In the end, Jisung decides not to dwell on any of it.

Life goes on.

PART FIVE: WITH SOMEBODY ELSE

“I can’t believe you talked to them for 30 fucking minutes, hyung,” Changbin groans once they’re out of ear shot, still searching for their designated seats. “The others are going to kill us for being late! Minho hyung will have our heads.”

Chan sighs from his spot at the front of their little line of three, “Hey, I haven’t seen them in ages, alright? Our schedules will be filled up soon so enjoy your free time, I say this as your friend and leader. They will understand.”

“This doesn’t feel like free time,” Jisung comments from the back as he follows through the space the older two open in the crowd to find the rest of their group.

They’re at a company party. Jisung isn’t sure what it’s for, something about celebrating success and what not. Not that Jisung hates partying (nor is he a huge fan) but he hates having to act like he likes partying with strangers and generally people he isn’t even close with. He’s only here because management wants him here and Chan had texted him before that Jisung could go in with him and Changbin.

Partying with close friends, even if it’s just, like, eight of them in a karaoke room, it’s the best. Not whatever pretentious bullshit this is… but Jisung isn’t that irked by it since their group’s eight is all invited and have come. Outside of work and 3RACHA business, it’s the first time they see each other in months or, well, they see Jisung. Although this event does kind of count as work too, doesn’t it?

The main hall of the event has a prepared stage but Jisung knows of no performances. Popular songs of artists from the company are played as background music, but close to the stage the music seems to be loud enough for a few people to dance. The guests are all fancy and well dressed, some normal company employees, contributors and other idols.

Chan leads them to their table but the only ones there are Hyunjin and Seungmin. The two quiet down their on-going conversation as 3RACHA approaches. As expected Seungmin barely spares Jisung a glance when the two of them welcome them to the table.

“You two look great!” Changbin grins and moves his hand to ruffle Seungmin’s hair but Hyunjin slaps it away with a frown. “I did his hair so don’t you dare ruin it!” Hyunjin warns, wagging his finger. Seungmin sighs with a smile that he hides behind his hand. Changbin just laughs and takes the seat next to Seungmin.

They really do look great. Suits and ties and all that fancy jazz. To an event like this, even with no press present, it’s only natural to dress like this (especially if the stylists get the dress code to follow). Seungmin and Hyunjin look like princes in their suits, with the golden accessories to boot. Despite Seungmin wearing white and Hyunjin black, the suits look like they complement each other perfectly. Jisung distinctly remembers Hyunjin mentioning a crush on Seungmin many years back that he never got official updates on. He wonders if they’re finally dating since they match so well.

The stylists all asked for their opinions before choosing their outfits and paid attention to their tastes after all.

They all look great to be honest. Changbin’s dark suit hugs him in the right places and shows off his muscled figure. There’s a golden watch on his wrist, one that looks like Jisung’s own. It all makes Changbin look a little more intimidating than usual but really attractive too. And Chan is wearing white for once, the suit has golden accents. Looking like a proper leader and probably making the whole place fall in love with him yet again. Jisung himself is donning a black suit, a classic with an accentuated waist part and golden dangling earrings perfectly matching the golden sparkly chain accentuating his waist.

Well, Jisung guesses, their group’s trademark for tonight must be golden highlights.

Careful of the seating arrangement Jisung sits down next to Hyunjin. It’d be weird to sit on the other side of the round table next to no one, right? And it would be weird for when the others come back? Chan seems to sense his overthinking mind, so he sits down next to Jisung and clasps a gentle hand on his shoulder. “No need to be so nervous,” Chan tells him with a reassuring smile before the hand drops away and they wait for the others.

“So, where’s the rest?” Chan asks the table only a minute later. That question has been burning on Jisung’s tongue.

Jisung doesn’t miss the way Seungmin glances at him before he looks at Chan to answer the question, “They arrived a while ago actually. Jeongin, Felix and Minho hyung are at the buffet already. It opened a few minutes before you guys came. They sped off giggling like children.”

“Oh thank God, I thought Minho hyung would be mad because we arrived so late,” Changbin sighed in relief, taking an unused glass from the middle of the round table to fill it with a cola, “He’s the one that gifted me this suit – well, he told the stylists what to do – and apparently that was enough for him to claim ownership over me.”

“Oh, he was mad trust me,” Hyunjin snorts at the way Changbin pitifully looks at him at that, “Don’t worry though, he probably forgot about it as soon as Felix dragged him and Jeongin to the buffet.”

Changbin’s face turns a little pale and his eyes a little wide in worry of his personal security, forced grin on.

“I didn’t forget,” comes flat from right behind Jisung, startling him a little but he doesn’t look back. That explains Changbin’s expression. There’s a quiet and friendly ‘Hey guys’ from two other familiar voices before Minho continues, “When did you arrive?”

“I swear I was punctual! Chan hyung texted me to wait so 3RACHA can go in together and then kept talking to people!” Changbin straightens up in his seat and gestures with his hands, watches as Minho rounds the table to sit next to him, Felix and Jeongin in tow. The table is full and Changbin eyes Minho’s full plate, “I’ll get some of that, right? I sincerely apologise.”

“No, hyung, get your own,” Felix playfully answers for Minho as Minho only narrows his eyes at Changbin’s approaching hand in warning. Felix is the one to slap it away and Changbin pouts in retreat.

“Stop fighting,” Jeongin commands from the side. Seungmin smiles in amusement, watching with fond eyes. Chan sighs at the same sight.

Jisung finds himself smiling along. Damn, he kind of missed this. Their childish bickering the most, maybe. It’s the first time the eight of them are together again and it really doesn’t feel as awkward as Jisung feared. Their foundation holds strong.

He allows himself to take in the others’ outfits. Felix and Jeongin wear matching black suits, donned with golden accessories like the rest of them. Felix wears eye-catching rings and a watch matching the one Changbin and Jisung have too. Felix looks hot, really. People will probably hit on him as soon as he’s caught alone. Jeongin’s hair has golden sparkles sprayed in, similar to Seungmin’s hair, and his fringe is styled away from his forehead. He has a thin golden necklace going around his dress shirt and making his frame stand out even more. He probably shines the brightest out of all of them, especially with his sweet grin.

But Jisung does have to admit Minho’s beauty is unparalleled to any other. His suit kind of resembles Chan’s from the way it’s cut, white too but a little more sparkly, fitting his permanently sparkly eyes. Of course, his eye makeup is sparkly too. His dark orbs shine so bright next to the tiny dangling diamond earrings he wears. Hair parted in the middle and pushed away from his forehead, looking a little fluffy but probably full with hairspray just like all of their hair. Minho’s waist is also accentuated with a golden chain; that part surprisingly resembles Jisung’s outfit. It seems Minho and Jisung match well tonight.

All in all, Minho looks like an ice prince. The whole aesthetic suits him well. (But what concept doesn’t suit him?)

“Ah, Minho hyung, Juyeon hyung was looking for you,” Seungmin speaks up again, casually filling himself a glass of water. “I send him to the buffet to find you. Was he successful?”

Minho blinks but looks around before shaking his head at Seungmin, “I didn’t even know he’d be here at all.”

“He’s totally into you, hyung,” Felix smirks and wiggles his brows, nudging Minho with his elbow.

And Minho simply chuckles and shakes his head, looking a little bashful. The others at the table all smile as well. Hyunjin gives Jisung a short glance as if checking if he’s alright before lowering his head, smile dimming a little to turn watchful. Jisung wonders why. Minho and Jisung haven’t even had eye contact once, ever since they arrived. They’re both alright.

Nothing warrants the pity, seriously. It irks Jisung a little, but he knows Hyunjin means well.

There is no further chance for the conversation to continue as the lights dim and the stage at the far front lights up in bright lights. An MC steps up. The festivities on stage go by in a blur to Jisung. He simply claps when necessary and acts like he’s paying attention as his mind wanders here and there. He doesn’t quite listen nor care.

Jisung comes to events like this to look good, make an impression and leave, really. He does like crowds fawning over him, as long as it’s from far away.

Until whatever stage program there is is over, their table – just like others around them – quietly exchanges some whispers and short talks in between as well. After it, they turn back to normal volume and some guests even start wandering around and dancing again. Minho, Felix and Jeongin eat from their full buffet plates and Changbin, Seungmin and Hyunjin steal food from time to time while Chan and Jisung laugh about it.

Jisung is okay with simply listening to the conversations, although Jeongin tries to include him, albeit awkwardly, and so does Hyunjin. None of them childish or mean; they don’t exclude Jisung on purpose, it’s just that some topics Jisung can’t really speak on. And Minho is quiet too, only adds rare side comments. If they want to join the conversation, they will though. Jisung being quiet isn’t anything new, he can be super loud but quiet too. Same goes for Minho.

Despite everything, none of this new.

For now, Jisung is content just watching and listening anyway. It’s nice to simply see his friends again – they’re friends before they’re co-workers – and listen to them talk about their lives. If Jisung wants to play moodmaker, he might do it later.

“Hey,” Hyunjin nudges him after a while, whispering and keeping an eye on the others still talking about something else, “Are you alright?”

Jisung leans over to hear him better, “Yeah, why?”

“This is weirder than I thought,” Hyunjin admits, still whispering and frowning, “I guess you two are really okay now. I don’t know why I keep feeling like I have to check on you guys. It’s not like I’m condoning shitty actions though. Actually I hate that I care.” You two. Ah. Minho and Jisung? It’s been little over a year since then and only about three and a half months since their small reunion.

It would be kind of pathetic of Jisung not to be over it by now.

Even if it is the first time in a long while to be properly near each other again, and as eight too. Jisung laughs a little, “Cute of you, Hyunjinnie.”

Hyunjin finally meets his eyes to fully cringe at him and raise a fist, “I’ll hit you.”

Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Minho exchange whispers with his two seat neighbours. Changbin first, then Felix. After that he leaves the table. As much as Jisung is curious as to where Minho is going, he doesn’t ask lest he looks like he’s still not over him. The table’s atmosphere is too comfortable for him to ruin it now. Chan, too though, eyes Minho’s departure with a thoughtful expression.

“Wanna bet it’s Juyeon hyung again?” Jeongin grins jokingly.

Seungmin smiles and raises a brow, “Nah, I have my money on someone else.”

“Why does there need to be a someone?” Felix laughs and throws an arm around Jeongin as he looks at both the youngest members, “You two watch too many dramas. Sometimes people just need to take a leak, guys.” Jisung finds himself nodding along, chin in hand as he leans his elbow on the table comfortably.

“I like my scenario better,” Jeongin pulls a face and shrugs.

“None of you better start any drama here. I will leave you to embarrass yourself,” Chan says, half serious half joking. Oh, their sweet leader. No, he wouldn’t.

“No, you wouldn’t,” Changbin grins smugly, speaking Jisung’s thoughts out loud, “You’d share the embarrassment with us because you’re the best leader.”

Chan sighs but in the end nods, looking absolutely done with them but also very endeared and shy at the same time. That’s quite an expression. Jisung and Hyunjin laugh at the side, not joining that one.

At some point Jisung is pulled into a longer conversation, finally talking and even animatedly so. This time Seungmin quiets down (but Jisung does catch him hide a smile at one of his jokes), Felix taps away at his phone and while Changbin still adds comments here and there, they’re clipped. Chan manages to keep the atmosphere light though, leading the conversation but not really speaking much of himself, with the help of Jeongin and Hyunjin. So to honour their efforts, Jisung lets himself get pulled in.

So much that he almost forgets the time. Minho still isn’t back.

At some point Chan and Changbin are dragged away by other idols they’re friends with. Next Daehwi, a shared friend of the 2000 liners appears and greets them all but only drags Hyunjin away. Seungmin’s expression sours a little but he keeps quiet. Felix looks up and around before he puts his phone away and then leaves the table on his own.

A waiter comes by and pours a glass of wine for each of their seats, even the empty ones. An expensive looking red wine. Once the waiter is gone, Jisung plays with the full wine glass, watching the wine inside slosh around in gentle waves. He doesn’t drink.

But he does take a leap into cold water as he addresses Seungmin. “Hey,” he turns to him and Seungmin looks up at him from staring at the table, “How have you been? We haven’t really talked lately.”

“Lately,” Seungmin repeats and rolls his eyes but he’s never been the offensive type. He has no qualms making sure that he doesn’t like talking to Jisung though. “Great, really. I’m guessing same goes for you.”

Jeongin intently listens but acts like he’s not. And Jisung nods, thinks about his answer before he says it, “Yeah, kind of. I’m good now.”

“Found someone new yet?” Seungmin asks, casually like he’s asking about the weather, and pushes his full glass of wine away from him as he looks around the place and the people.

Jisung kind of finds it funny, in a mean way. You know when something pisses you off so much that you wanna laugh about it? “No,” Jisung feels his lips quirk up a little, jaw clenched, “Did you?”

“You don’t even know that?” Seungmin sighs and gets up, still with casual elegance, proper as he always is. “Just don’t mess up, Jisung. I’ll get some food too, see you guys later.” With that he’s gone too, walking towards the buffet tables.

Jeongin gives Jisung a cringing smile, “Not cool.” And then he gets up too, with an empty plate to fill and follows Seungmin’s way. Well, that wasn’t helpful at all. But it’s fine.

Now alone, Jisung thinks maybe he should walk around too. So, he gets up and aimlessly explores the place. It’s rather boring, but it’s loud and filled with people everywhere. On the way out the main hall he meets a few friends, who ask him how he’s been and congratulate him on getting over his slump. And it doesn’t even matter whether they knew about Minho and him like that or not, they all look happy about Jisung being okay now. Jisung accepts all their congratulations with sheepish laughs.

But Jisung needs a moment to breathe so he walks out of the main hall into the corridors and then again, walks around a little. He wanted to go on the closest balconies at first but the ones in the main hall has people around too, so he’s on his way to find a deserted balcony from the less crowded corridors. He spends about two minutes walking around with hope.

At the end of one of the corridors near the main hall he sees Changbin and Chan standing around an open big balcony door. Changbin is on his phone as Chan’s back is turned to them and towards the window.

3RACHA it is again.

“What are you guys up to?” he asks. Chan turns around. Changbin looks up from his phone, finds something funny at the sight of Jisung and promptly leaves into the direction of the main hall without another word.

“Alright,” Jisung frowns, weirded out and then looks at Chan for an answer to his question.

“Admiring the view?” Chan makes it sound like he isn’t quite sure himself, a small smile on his lips. “But I was just about to leave. Wanna go back to the main hall with me, Jisung?”

“Nah, I need a break from all the people,” Jisung pouts a little, “Hyung, I talked to so many people today. My social battery is empty already. Thanks though, I’ll be back later.”

Chan sighs despite his smile staying on his face, like he’s done his best but not really and then walks by Jisung as he pets his shoulder and leaves. He sounds tired, “See you later.”

Jisung has mixed feelings about being alone again. Somehow relieved and feeling a little lonely at the same time, but he pushes the balcony’s glass door open further and steps out into the cold air. The view is pretty beautiful from up so high.

A bit of Seoul’s night skyline at its finest. The moon, stars and dim light shining from inside illuminating the area just enough to see.

Not a moment later quiet laughter reaches his ears and he halts in his steps. It’s laughter he knows all too intimately. For some reason Jisung’s heart speeds up. Just a little. Hands clammy. Why is he so nervous now?

“You’re so cute,” Minho’s soft voice comes from around the corner somewhere, words just as familiar as the laughter. “Let’s not start any bad habits, okay?”

Is he with that Juyeon guy perhaps? Jisung knows Minho and Juyeon have been friends for many years now. (Hell, Jisung is close friends with Juyeon’s group’s members.) And from what the others have said, apparently Juyeon is interested in Minho like that now. Or always has been, who knows. Juyeon and Minho have good chemistry and have bonded over many things like dancing but Jisung doesn’t think it’s a fit.

“It’s only this once, hyung! No one’s here and it’s dark too, so it’s whatever. Even I had a hard time finding you here after you disappeared on us like that. Plus, it’ll warm you up…?”

Instant relief washes over Jisung. It’s only the familiar deep voice of Felix.

No, no, why is Jisung even feeling relieved? What did Jisung even expect in the first place? Just because it’s not some stranger or Juyeon? Or whoever else has the hots for Minho? Fuck, Jisung needs to clear his head. Life goes on, Jisung, remember? It’s been a while. It’s just Minho and Felix. And Jisung is long over Minho, no need for this bullshit.

It seems Minho has come here to escape from the crowd as well in the first place.

It’s just two of his friends (despite everything they’re both still important to Jisung) talking and taking a break too. No need for awkwardness, Jisung has come for a break too. At least their group should be fully comfortable again at some point. Minho is easy because Minho himself hates when the atmosphere isn’t comfortable, so he’ll go with the flow if Jisung plays his cards right. And Jisung knows Felix still harbours some bitterness towards him like Seungmin does, but if Jisung doesn’t step up then nothing will change about it. So Jisung continues this time towards their voices around the corner.

“Five minutes. I’ll put a silent vibration alarm on.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be more rebellious? I don’t think–”

Jisung rounds the corner the exact moment Felix’s words are cut off. At the sight, Jisung’s body stops too. The cold weather is nothing next to how he freezes over on the inside. Maybe he feels nauseous even.

Something just feels wrong the second Jisung sees Minho’s lips meet the lips of Felix.

Minho and Felix.

Touching. Kissing.

Minho.

It’s nothing. It’s not explicit. Not really. Minho’s arms are around Felix’s waist and Felix’s arms are around Minho’s neck, pulling at each other slow and tame. Bodies pressed close. Minho’s hand moves down to squeeze Felix’s ass and Felix moans quietly into his mouth. Exchanging spit, kisses with tongue and getting breathless.

Okay, it’s not quite rated PG anymore.

Five minutes?

Jisung feels so cold but he can’t move his damn legs. Or his eyes. It’s so cold inside of him it starts burning.

Felix pushes Minho away and coincidently against the wall, a dark glint in his eyes as they smirk at each other. He keeps one hand splayed out on Minho’s chest.

“Rebellious enough?” Minho taunts, confident smirk gracing his lips.

Felix trails his hand down to Minho’s accentuated waist, fingers trailing the golden chain as he looks down at it before he looks back up again. There’s a pout on his lips, the type Felix unconsciously has on sometimes, “Kinda really wanna have more than five minutes.”

“Cute,” Minho chuckles, eyeing him up and down almost condescendingly, and pulls him closer again by the collar. Maybe that natural cuteness of Felix’s is something Jisung now lacks in Minho’s eyes.

Only a breath away, Felix smiles back at Minho warmly, switches between looking at his lips and his eyes.

Surprisingly they don’t kiss again. Felix only wraps his arms properly around Minho’s waist, and yes, he does press their bodies close again but he simply hugs Minho, hiding his face in his neck. And Minho hugs him back around his shoulders, relaxing against the wall behind him.

There’s a warm smile on Minho’s face.

Felix has always been a physically affectionate person, just like Jisung. Back in the day in the dorms and waiting rooms the two of them would even cuddle together if no one else wanted to. Felix likes to hug and cuddle and hold hands and he doesn’t mind showing it openly, whether to a friend or a flirt. He can be as cool as he can be cute, so naturally too. Maybe Minho likes that about Felix.

Couldn’t Jisung have walked out here like five fucking minutes later? A bit of hugging wouldn’t have made Jisung feel like absolute shit – insides and eyes burning. It’s freezing. Why the hell isn’t he moving? They still haven’t seen him. He should leave before one of them does. Instead he keeps watching.

“Mhh,” Minho moans suddenly and lets his head fall against the wall behind him as his eyes close, keeping himself quiet by biting on his pretty lips. And his pretty lips are kiss swollen too. “Felix.” He pants, it’s a warning. When he opens his eyes again, he looks ahead, and he still doesn’t see Jisung. If only he looked to the side. Just a glance would be enough. Maybe Jisung would finally move away instead of burning his insides like this by staying around.

Jisung sees green even though ice is supposed to be somewhere between white and blue.

“Don’t fucking bite, Felix. If you leave a mark, I swear–” Minho curses under his breath as Felix continues his ministrations, moving down to Minho’s collarbones as far as the buttoned up dress shirt allows. He presses Minho harder against the wall and Minho lets him slot a knee between his thighs.

Okay that’s not hugging at all. Jisung’s got the memo too now but Minho was as clueless as he was at first so that’s fair.

Minho grabs onto Felix’s hair and pulls him away from his neck so they can look into each other’s eyes – it elicits a quiet but definitely pleased grunt from the younger blond. There’s a challenge in Felix’s grin.

Even though it’s not directed at him at all, somehow Jisung feels challenged too. Bitterly so.

“Five minutes are over,” Minho smiles smugly, lets go of Felix’s hair and pushes him away to turn off his smartphone’s alarm without even looking down at it. Felix lets him, still looking happy a small distance away and reaching to playfully tug on the bottom of Minho’s blazer. They’re completely focused on each other. Obviously Felix looks more dazed than Minho.

Five minutes are over. Felt way longer.

Jisung’s legs work again and he leaves the scene unnoticed.

“You look like you’re going through it,” Changbin’s voice sounds mocking, as soon as Jisung is back in the corridor and near the main hall again, away from the balcony. Was Changbin waiting for someone? “What happened to make you look so sad?” There is a smug smile on Changbin’s lips and his eyes, having always been intense, mock him even more. It surprises Jisung a little, the sudden coldness from someone who has been taking care of him at his lowest. Not only after the breakup but also ever since they’ve known each other.

Maybe he’s just imagining it due to the freezing cold he still feels inside. Jisung feels his face flush and he keeps his gaze down. Despite the blood rushing to his face at the taunt, he still feels so unbelievably cold.

“I didn’t know they’d be there,” Jisung rushes weakly to defend himself. Then, “I’m over him.”

Changbin nods, crosses his arms across his chest. There’s nobody but them in the corridor, maybe something will start on the stage soon. “I didn’t even mention anyone. So, it’s as I expected then.”

You idiot, Changbin didn’t even ask.

Jisung looks up, careful and unsure, can’t help playing with his fingers even though he can’t really concentrate on them. Changbin’s eyes assess him carefully, smile gone and serious now. “You’re still not over Minho hyung, right? I had a feeling you were acting like you’re okay, instead of actually getting better. So… what did you see on the balcony?”

Alright, maybe Changbin is right. So what? Jisung also knows that lying to yourself isn’t healthy but what the hell is he supposed to do when he can’t properly function otherwise? Getting called out on it just makes him see how stupid he was to believe his own lie. Not bothered my ass. Jisung sees Minho kiss someone else – kiss Felix. Why him? Couldn’t it have been Juyeon or a stranger? – and his world is somehow shaken to the core as if he didn’t know it was bound to happen some day.

Suddenly Changbin makes a sound of understanding, eyes catching on something or someone, behind Jisung.

There’s a genuine smile on Changbin’s face as Minho, not looking at either of them really, high-fives him while walking by him and Jisung. “Don’t be late again,” Minho says and goes back into the hall. Just a few steps behind, Felix trails after Minho but casts a long curious and confused glance at Jisung and Changbin. For once not glaring at Jisung, Felix looks as innocent and sweet as Jisung remembers him to be.

Once they’re gone, Changbin’s eyes are on him again. “No need to glare at Felix like that,” he tuts, finding Jisung’s expression funny apparently, “You’re over Minho hyung, right? Fake it ‘till you make it, I guess.”

Jisung just stands there, gulping down the weird feeling in his throat. Changbin hesitates a little, then, visibly conflicted, sighs and strolls over to throw an arm around Jisung, “Let’s go, man.”

“Hyung,” Jisung shivers a little, mind having balcony scenes on replay, “I’m cold. Don’t be mean to me too.”

“If only for Minho hyung’s sake, I’m not mean to you,” Changbin answers and he sounds tired.

For Minho’s sake? Jisung blinks at him, “What do you mean?”

Changbin looks annoyed, like he’s holding himself back. He takes a deep breath before he talks. “Jisung… You know what, I’ll just tell you since I think you’re ready. The reason I’ve been taking care of you like this whenever you need me, is because of Minho hyung. Especially before… he kept hearing about how sad you are. It made him sadder too. I know Minho hyung well. I’ve always seen how he feels just from his eyes even when he denies it.” Changbin chuckles humourlessly, not meeting Jisung’s eyes at all.

“I went over to your place to bring you food, to make you eat and always make sure you have a shoulder to cry on. After all, even now, Minho hyung still cares about you. Worries about you. And I hate it. I try to make him worry less but you’ve also gotten better on your own in a way. The first days after he had left you, he kept crying in my arms, some days in Chan hyung’s; it was terrible. I didn’t know what to do. I was– I’m still so angry. Minho hyung just isn’t the type to openly cry so it hurt even more to see him cry. The worst days were when he didn’t cry though… When Seungmin heard the story a week later he cried. Seungmin was so sad and angry about it. Seungmin crying had Minho hyung crying again. You really managed to get Minho hyung and Seungminnie to cry in each other’s arms…” Changbin huffs, his smile wry at the memory. Out of the corner of his eyes Jisung sees the hand on his shoulder lift to form a tight fist before Changbin drops it on his shoulder again.

“Then it was okay for a while, Minho hyung was getting better… until you two hooked up the night he was supposed to meet Felix in that bar. Remember, I picked him up the morning after and drove him home. Only then did he cry, after so long. I don’t want to see him hurt anymore… So only for as long as Minho hyung needs me to, I will take care of you just like I would have done before all of… this. Honestly, without Minho hyung’s input… If it were up to me the only thing you’d get from me is a fist to your face.

You need to move on, Jisung.”

Minho still cares about him. It hurts to hear how much he has hurt Minho but it’s not like that’s news. Jisung isn’t sure what to do. Seems like he’s been burdening both Minho and Changbin a lot ever since then. But where does Felix fit in this picture? How long did Felix like Minho like that? Would Jisung feel different if it were a stranger touching Minho?

Not that it matters. As selfish as he wants to be… if Felix makes Minho happy, he’ll force the bile back down his throat. Jisung wants Minho to be happy.

It’s cold. Jisung’s been healing yet guilt has never stopped gnawing inside his chest.

With his silence, Changbin continues. “I shouldn’t tell you this…” he drags a hand across his face, now looking as tired as he sounds, “Look, about Felix… Don’t overthink it. After Felix had heard about what happened, he was so angry too. He still is when the topic is brought up. While Minho hyung latched onto me for comfort, which I gladly provided when he wasn’t so absorbed in trying to be independent…” Changbin shakes his head as he looks down, voice dropping to an even tone, “Felix couldn’t keep himself from latching onto Minho hyung to take care of him, worried and always questioning what he can do. Similar to the way I took care of you, he took care of Minho hyung too, with me and Chan hyung. Helping him move furniture and boxes out of your place and into the new apartment was all of us, but Felix kept staying with Minho hyung then and after. Even hours and sometimes days after I left. Whether it be day or night. I guess they’ve become closer in the past few months, although I don’t know what’s going on between them exactly… Minho hyung seems to enjoy it in a healthy manner.”

Scoffing, Jisung almost rolls his eyes. Of course, bright and sweet Felix. Someone whose entire being rivals the fucking sun. That’s who Minho choose. Sunshine.

Jisung must be a shadow in Minho’s life now. Like a dark stain on a perfect record.

Jisung and Felix used to be close too, very much so as same age friends and similar humour. Not anymore, after burning glares and everything. But Jisung still feels betrayed by the both of them; although he shouldn’t – Minho isn’t his anymore.

“Get over him soon, hm? I don’t want to do this anymore. This joke has been going on for long enough.”

Jisung has moved on. “I’m sorry, I’m alright. I’m over him, hyung. I’m just cold.”

Changbin doesn’t say anything, just coolly drags him along and back to their table. It’s alright. It’s alright when he spots a faint bite mark on Minho’s neck as he goes to his seat. Even the hickey further down his chest, accidently visible when Minho moves a certain way, is fine.

Jisung feels a lot right now, so many mixed intense feelings. It's so overwhelming that it numbs him out. It’s alright. 

Jisung doesn’t cry that day, nor the next. Life goes on.

PART SIX: IN A HEARTBEAT

No matter how hard either of them may try or not, Minho and Jisung start regularly seeing each other again only a week after the celebration event. Well, all eight of them do.

Their group is going to have promotions for their newest album soon, which basically means they’ll all be close together and around each other with barely any breaks in between, even though they don’t live in the dorms anymore. It never used to be a bad thing and technically, it isn’t now either.

It’s not like there is much space for awkwardness as they go through dance routines with another choreographer from the company. They haven’t recorded all of the songs fully yet but the tracks are mostly finished and chosen. Directing the recording process, as 3RACHA take the lead on that, is still natural and simple but Jisung feels a little shy when he’s asked to direct Minho through a song. Not that it lasts long anyway because Minho is always done recording in one or maximum two tries.

Dance practice isn’t any different. As always, their head-choreographer, Minho, Hyunjin and Felix take the lead but listen to everyone’s opinions and suggestions. Sweating through practice, it’s worth it. The results are amazing.

All of them concentrate on business but talk and play around too, just like before but somehow different.  Nobody talks about the differences.

They progress through the album preparations quite well, then have their comeback, have promotions, public appearances and activities. After all of that they get a break. For their success they – or well, their company – books them a private secluded house in nature for a week, no cameras, just them – after they went on a reality show for a similar vacation.

Jisung is fine. He really is, even when he feels a little lost sometimes. He laughs and he has genuine fun. He still loves his friends, his team and his work.

It’s a little funny. It’s like a movie scene.

Everyone is supposed to sleep. The only source of light the full moon, their holiday house and a few lanterns from its lawn. It’s their first night here and yet… Jisung finds Minho exploring the woods right outside the housing area at night – because when has Minho ever done things normally? Not that Jisung can judge since he’s here too now.

“You could pass as a murderer,” Jisung says and watches Minho jump a foot in the air in shock and turn around with wide eyes. Jisung can’t help but hide a laugh at the way Minho stumbles.

“What the fuck, Han Jisung?” Minho glares, motioning to hit him with his smartphone still in his hand and Jisung doesn’t even flinch, knowing Minho won’t actually do it. “Make sure you don’t end up my victim then!”

The movie he thinks of, you see, is a horror movie. The types Minho and Jisung used to watch a lot together before.

“Can’t you at least use your phone’s flashlight?” Jisung approaches him and pulls out his own, turning it on and off multiple times before settling on off, “At this rate you’ll trip and die.”

“As a murderer I feel like I wouldn’t be the one to die without even murdering someone,” Minho casually responds, nudges Jisung’s arm with a fist as apparent revenge, no force behind it, “Anyway, why are you out here?”

“Was getting water, but saw some dumbass leave the house and wander into the woods,” Jisung deadpans, eyes on Minho whose expression tires more immediately.

“I’m this close to turning into an actual murderer,” Minho holds up a hand, thumb and forefinger only a hair at distance.

Jisung snorts, then fully laughs and looks down. He starts walking into the direction Minho was going before Jisung scared him. The leaves crunch under his hurriedly-put-on sneakers and so do the leaves behind him as Minho follows him.

“Do you even know where I was going to go?”

“The nearby lake, right? On the ride here Manager hyung said it reflects the night sky like a mirror.”

Minho hums, catching up to walk beside Jisung and watches his steps as not to actually trip and die, “I wanted to go alone though.”

“Too bad I can’t just leave you alone,” Jisung sticks out his tongue at Minho but immediately backtracks when he realises how weird that sounded, “I– I mean it would be bad if you got lost or hurt alone out here.”

Minho doesn’t even react, keeps his focus on not tripping and falling in the dark. The moonlight shines upon them and on their path. Despite it being in the middle of the night the moon offers enough light to see mostly well, veiling the woods in white moonlight. The rest of the walk to the lake is quiet, the only audible sounds are owls in the distance and their steps in the dirt.

They’re both in sweatpants, Minho in a grey sweater and Jisung in a black hoodie. It’s a breezy spring night. No hairspray to keep their messy hair in place when the wind blows. No makeup to hide their tired eyes. They should be sleeping, just like the others but they’re out here in the middle of the woods instead. Chan will probably be annoyed about it if he finds out.

“Nice to see you and Seungmin talk again,” Minho suddenly says, voice soft.

Jisung frowns a little with an awkward grin, glancing shortly at Minho whose own gaze is still down. The lake is close. “We talk when we have to but he makes sure to let me know he doesn’t like it. He really hates me now.” Felix too, Jisung almost adds but he doesn’t want to talk about Felix.

Things have changed.

Minho chuckles. Sweet. Doesn’t respond any other way.

Jisung looks over again and sees Minho looking into the distance in absolute awe with a smile forming on his lips and his eyes round and reflecting the light in sparkles.

Jisung smiles. Ah, the lake. The full moon and the night sky.

The lake is a perfect mirror to the night sky, copying the whole moon and the stars, and so reflecting it in its own way around it, moving sparkles. On Minho for example.

“Beautiful,” Minho quietly mumbles and speeds up to sit down on a boulder nearby the lake’s edge. The water reflects on his softly smiling features.

“Yeah, beautiful,” Jisung breathes out almost inaudibly as he reaches the other, looking straight at Minho instead.

But Minho looks up and meets his eyes, smile not dropping. He must’ve heard. Jisung feels caught but doesn’t move his eyes away. Feeling brave, he offers a little smile.

Minho blinks down at his lips for only a second before he turns his smile away back to the lake. His side profile is beautiful too. Everything about him is and always will be.

But Jisung is over him.

So Jisung makes himself comfortable on the grass next to Minho’s boulder, not too close and not too far away to look weird, sitting criss-cross and leaning back on his propped-up arms behind him. He admires the view the lake gives them too. Surprisingly enough it’s a comfortable silence. At some point they both take out their smartphones to take photos.

“Oh?” Minho makes a sound of surprise at the incoming call. “Guess we’ve been found out.”

Jisung looks over and sees Felix’s Korean name on the cutely decorated contact ID. He ignores that Minho doesn’t immediately pick up and the good feeling that comes with it too. They have roommates in the holiday house. Chan and Seungmin, Changbin and Hyunjin, Jisung and Jeongin, and Minho and Felix. Someone was bound to find one of them missing.

Minho declines the call, opting to send a text message instead before he puts his phone away. He stretches in his seat and he sighs contently once he slouches again.

“You keep staring.”

Jisung blushes red hot and rips his gaze away just like he whips his head away, too.

Unbothered, Minho laughs.

Despite feeling absolutely embarrassed, Jisung chuckles along with him but hides it by looking down on his other side. He puts his hands in his lap and teeters back and forth a little before he settles down again. Isn’t everything between them supposed to be awkward? What’s with it all being so comfortable and fun?

Then Jisung feels a hand ruffle his hair, gentle and quick. His heart skips a beat. Jisung almost thinks he imagined the touch because when he turns his head so quick, he almost gets whiplash from it, Minho looks unmoved, just smiling at the lake and its reflections.

“Are you happy?” Jisung doesn’t know why the fuck he asks that, he just blurted it out.

Minho’s expression stays despite his smile leaving. He seems to give it a thought before he answers. “I’m content,” he nods, eyes still on the moving waters, “Are you?”

“Right now I am,” Jisung tells him quietly, still staring up at his side profile. The gentle waves’ moving reflections frame Minho’s face. It makes Jisung want to take a photo to set as his lockscreen.

In front of cameras it’s almost easy to act like nothing’s ever happened between them – no hushed whispers, gentle touches, kisses and gazes. No romance, no love. And nobody really notices their distance. But now they’re alone again, just them two. Minho and Jisung. Like before, no matter how long they don’t see each other or hang out, once they meet it’s the way it always is. Comfortable.

At last Minho turns his head a little towards him, a raised brow and a half-smile. He looks amused, almost. But he doesn’t dwell on Jisung’s words. “Isn’t the grass dewy? Why didn’t you sit down on a rock or tree stump?”

Jisung blinks down and sits up a little with his butt. Realisation dawns on him because, yes, indeed, the grass under his butt is dewy and his behind is definitely wet from it now. Too distracted, he hadn’t noticed at all. He sits down again anyway, a blank expression hopefully not showing it as he looks towards the lake again, “I’m enjoying nature at its finest down here.”

“I’m sure you are,” Minho chuckles. Out of the corner of his eyes Jisung sees Minho move a little away and pat the space beside him on the boulder. The mentioned tree stump is a little further away and also available. “Just sit down here, I know your ass will thank me for it.”

It will and so will the rest of his body because if Jisung kept sitting on the wet grass on this cold night, he’d probably be sick by next morning. So Jisung takes up the offer and sits down on the boulder beside Minho. Again, Jisung tries to achieve the perfect not-too-close-not-too-far distance as not to make things weird but that’s exactly what accidently makes their hands touch. Jisung flinches away and looks up apologetically. He still feels the touch.

“Relax,” Minho sighs, a little irked by the reaction, and then looks away towards the lake’s surface again, his hand exactly where it was resting on the boulder between them.

Everything has changed. So why do they still feel the same? Maybe it’s just Jisung. After all it’s his body that reacts and his heart that beats like it knocks to be left out its cage. He’s been doing so well lately though. “I shouldn’t have come,” Jisung frowns at the pretty view in front of them, not really able to fully enjoy it with how tight his chest feels. “I should’ve woken up Chan to scold you and bring you back inside.”

“You shouldn’t have come. And I would’ve just made Chan come with me and have my fun with him,” Minho dryly replies, propping his elbow on his knee to rest his chin on his palm as he keeps his eyes on the lake’s mirrored night sky.

Ignoring the double meaning in Minho’s words and the creative scenes it creates in his mind, Jisung rubs his eyes. Despite having woken up in the middle of the night for a glass of water, he feels completely awake now. Maybe his body knew he’d meet Minho like this if he woke up.

“Have you found somebody new yet?”

Jisung blinks at the sudden question, that question, and turns his head slowly to look at Minho. The way Minho asks it is casual and honest, no indicators of what he wants to hear. In a way Jisung wants to be cool, say that he’s found someone new the way Minho has newly discovered Felix.

“No,” he settles on the truth, “I met many people, but nobody compares to you.”

“Hmm,” Minho hums, drops his head back and closes his eyes. He keeps his tone even. “We were almost perfect, weren’t we?” And the small smile that forms on his lips looks bitter and disappears as soon as it formed.

“We were perfect. We’ll always be perfect with each other,” Jisung quietly tells him, admiring the way Minho’s lashes flutter when he opens his eyes at the night sky above them, “Even now we’re still like this. Aren’t we supposed to be awkward and hateful with each other? I don’t think we will ever be. You’re the only one that feels like the perfect home to me. No matter what happens or how much time passes, I will never get over you, Minho hyung.”

Minho’s eyes watch the stars. He makes a non-committal noise and then he closes his eyes again.

And Jisung just keeps admiring. The special way Minho had used to look at Jisung, he never looks at Felix like that. Minho has only ever looked at Jisung that way. “Look at me,” Jisung whispers into the cold air between them.

Minho slowly but obediently tilts his head towards him. His eyes open only half lidded but sharp and alert as always. A bit of his fringe falls over his eyes.

“It’s been so long since I could look at you up-close like this,” Jisung keeps his voice down, something fearful to break the atmosphere sits in his throat.

They deeply gaze into each other’s eyes. A questioning look down to the lips and up again. Come closer, Jisung thinks. Again, Closer, when Minho does as wordlessly asked.

But their lips don’t touch.

It’s Minho who stops first before Jisung mimics him. Close but not close enough, their breaths mingling. “Some days I still miss you and what we used to have,” Minho says so quietly and eyes so cold, no breeze makes Jisung shiver like this. “But I don’t want it anymore.”

“Can’t we just be happy?” Jisung asks, the small distance between them makes him shaky. “Even if it’s just for tonight? I won’t tell anyone. I don’t care about what you’ve done with Felix either. I’m sorry, I–”

Minho scoffs and leans away. “’Just for tonight’ again? You think we’re just gonna fuck every few months? That’s how you keep your ‘I’m okay’ thing up? Is that it? I told you it would be the last time. I told you I wasn’t going to come back! This has nothing to do with Felix either!”

Minho sounds angry, but he also sounds like he might cry if this goes on any longer.

Jisung turns back towards the lake and rubs a hand over his face, tired. “Hyung, I’d be fine with us just sitting here all night. It’s not about the sex, as good as we do it, it’s not necessarily what I want. I just want to spend time with you and not think about anything else. You… I just– I…” Jisung realises in that moment, words trailing off. The only reason he’d been okay the last few months is because he’s been thinking that Minho would come back again. No matter if permanent or temporary, Jisung has been hoping and looking forward to the next day when they will be together again. Cherishing every moment they spend together and waiting until they can be in their own little world again – just like then. Not for sex, even if the last time happened to include sex. Them being together again, that’s what’s been giving Jisung hope to go on. For Jisung it wasn’t just a hook-up, he hadn’t even thought they’d fuck that night, it just happened. And Jisung isn’t waiting on sex now either.

All he’s done this whole time is wait on Minho.

Life goes on, but Han Jisung is still in love with Lee Minho.

It’s true, isn’t it? You’re so stupid, Han Jisung. Waiting for someone to come back when you’re the one that made them leave in the first place?

After everything that has happened, Jisung would take Minho back in a heartbeat.

“How’m I supposed to get over you, hyung?” Jisung croaks out. He won’t cry tonight, nor tomorrow.

All that Jisung really does is piss Minho off. “I thought the same thing. I loved you so much, Jisung. Like a fucking idiot, I went around thinking I knew you, thinking you loved me too. I… I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you by my side. I loved you like an absolute fucking idiot. How am I supposed to get over you?” Minho scoffs again, watery now. A bitter chuckle, “You’ll be fine anyway. You have this charm about you, you know. You easily make people fall in love with you, whether they’re strangers you don’t even want to talk to or whether they’re someone like me, someone who knows your best and your worst… Me too. You hurt me, and yet… Every time I see you I fall in love so easily. And I still do–”

Jisung kisses him. They melt against each other. Of course, they’re still in love with each other. This is all on Jisung. He’s responsible for this. And Minho’s kisses taste like forbidden candy. Jisung finds Minho’s heart as he’s once again taking him apart. Their kisses have stayed the same too. They feel so good. So sweet, but there’s something different. A bitter aftertaste.

Minho kisses like goodbye.

And Minho pushes him away. “This too,” Minho refers to their kiss, tears falling from sad shiny eyes and trailing down his cheeks. They sparkle with the water’s reflections, stars in them and his eyes. “I love you but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want you anymore. I want to regret you.” And then Minho stands up and wipes his lips with the back of his hand, “Maybe you’ll stay in my life, just not the way I imagined. Maybe you will have a special place in my heart forever. But I promise you I will get over you. So don’t look at me like that anymore, like you love me too. I know that you don’t.”

“Minho…” Jisung shakes his head, eyes wide and he feels so scattered, “Minho hyung, I do, I love you. There’s no one I will ever love more. You’re the only one I–”

“I thought you were the only one for me too,” Minho is so quiet but Jisung immediately shuts up at the interruption. Jisung reaches out and takes Minho’s hand, gently traces his thumb over his knuckles. And Minho lets him and watches the touch, for a moment only, before he pulls his hand away and turns towards the woods, looking off into the distance. “Some days I still do. But that’s not fair. Maybe I will never love anyone as much as I did you. Maybe I will never match with anyone as well as I did with you. But when we were together only one of us was in love, I think. The other one was playing a game. Guess our roles, Jisung.”

Minho meets his eyes one more time before he wipes his tears away with his sweater sleeve over his hand and hides his face away for as long as he quietly whimpers behind it. Jisung doesn’t know what to do.

Leaves crunch behind them and a new source of light appears.

It’s Felix, smartphone in hand as a flashlight. He turns it off once he reaches them, in no way looking happy. Looks as cold as Minho feels beside Jisung.

Jisung doesn’t pay him much mind, turns back to the lake, ruffles his hair and groans quietly. It’s so frustrating. And it’s frustrating that Felix rushes over to Minho’s side as soon as he spots his wet eyes when Minho drops his arm. “Hyung, what happened…?” Felix asks, deep voice carrying panicked worry.

“I kissed him,” Jisung answers instead, still turned towards the lake. Somewhere inside of him he hopes Felix will be angry about it and leave them alone again. “Are you jealous?” Shit, Jisung, just shut the fuck up. “Don’t worry, I think this is the last time.”

“Felix, don’t,” Minho mutters, but there’s authority in his voice.

Jisung looks over his shoulder to see Felix glaring at him with fire in his eyes, and Minho tiredly holding onto his hand. Ah, are you jealous too, Jisung? Jisung looks at Felix. Are you angry that Minho still loves me and not you? Are you angry we kissed when he’s supposed to be yours now? Do you love him? Will you stop it now?

“Wipe that smug look off your face, Jisung,” Felix spits out, cold and visibly holding back, as if reading his thoughts, “I may be jealous but we’re not exclusive. Minho hyung isn’t like you. I know he still needs time to heal. And you too apparently. Get fucked, Jisung. Stop playing around with Minho hyung’s feelings. Let him be happy for fuck’s sake.”

Jisung isn’t sure what to say. Felix is right.

“Get back to the house soon,” Minho mumbles vaguely into Jisung’s direction because he’s still so caring, and then – Jisung looks over his shoulder again – intertwines his fingers with Felix’s. They hold hands on the way back into the woods.

Jisung is left alone at the lake that mirrors the night sky. He leans over the water from his seat on the boulder and meets eyes with his own reflection staring back at him.

Mistakes. Regret. Why? Why does he always end up hurting Minho when that’s the last thing he wants to do? All he wants is for Minho to be happy and safe. But he also wants to have Minho in his arms. How is he supposed to get over Minho when he loves him so much? Jisung will always love him. Jisung knows he would take Minho back in a heartbeat.

But Minho won’t come back because Jisung broke his heart. Jisung knows. Jisung admits he has fucked up, fucked everything up beyond repair. Minho shouldn’t take Jisung back.

Still, Jisung loves Minho. Minho is Jisung’s soulmate. Minho is The One for Jisung. Nobody could love him better than Minho. Nobody could match him better than Minho. For Jisung, there is only Minho. There is no one Jisung will ever love more than Minho.

Maybe Jisung should have thought about all that before he had cheated on Minho with a stranger on a drunken night out – Jisung has ruined everything good all on his own.

[“Jisung, just go home now. Minho is waiting in the taxi outside and we have work tomorrow,” Chan said, ever so responsible. Maybe he sensed that Jisung would be stupid tonight. But who was listening?

Jisung wasn’t that drunk and still very much conscious, he can’t even blame the alcohol because it was all him. He wasn’t supposed to drink, just like Chan and Changbin didn’t. But all these pretty people in the club liked him so much. How could he refuse a drink if they offer so nicely? What were they celebrating again? Something about 3RACHA?

It doesn’t matter. Just one turned into more, and while he felt a little tipsy, the alcohol wasn’t fully to blame for what happened next.

The stranger next to him was so pretty. They were so pretty, right? Were they? Jisung to this day can’t even remember their face, their voice or their body even though they stayed around Jisung for hours that night. Not a damn thing. Just knows he was curious. He was thinking about Minho. Minho who was waiting for him outside the club with a taxi ready. The best person he knows. The most beautiful and the most loveable. His best friend. His lover. The love of his life.

And then he wondered whether Minho was really the best. Things he has never thought about before invading his mind like it’s a cheap comedy.

So stupid, Jisung. You’re so stupid. You’re so mean. You’re going to break Minho’s heart.

Could there be someone even better than someone so perfect? Impossible. Still, Jisung is curious about other things. A slip in judgement. How would somebody else taste? How would other people kiss Jisung? Or touch? Or kiss and fuck?

Why not try this willing stranger? Just once. It’s not a big deal. It’s just curiosity. He’d tell Minho later.

But he didn’t even get to tell him.

Because Minho found him and the stranger in the club’s private section, behind closed doors. Ah, Chan and Changbin. They were there too. They had searched for him because he had disappeared so suddenly. Worried, like real friends and a real lover would be.

But they were too late, Jisung had already made his worst mistake by then. All by his own choice. Didn’t go all the way but he had tried enough to know he wasn’t satisfied, detaching from the stranger, both still in underwear. His body was disinterested, appalled even, as if knowing kissing, touching and undressing with somebody else is wrong. Everything tasted of alcohol and his mind swirled a little, still tipsy.

His mind and heart kept screaming things that Jisung didn’t quite understand at that time.

Regret. Guilt. Disgust. This was so wrong. What was he thinking?

It happened so fast. It happened in a heartbeat. Minho looked sick. Minho looked broken. Empty eyes. Golden skin turning pale. Something more broke between them when their eyes met and tears fell down Minho’s unchanging expression.

And Chan. Chan looked like he was going to cry too as he immediately dragged Minho back out the room.

Changbin looked livid. The angriest and most disappointed out of all of them somehow. Changbin looked absolutely torn between running after Minho and staying there. Shaking with anger towards Jisung. And yet, Changbin was the one that dragged Jisung away from the bed and made him dress himself again. Harsh tugs on his arms. Everything is a clear memory but too fast-forwarded.

“I want to punch you so bad,” Changbin kept mumbling. “I want to kill you right now.”

Changbin is was angry. Changbin is was kind. Changbin drove Jisung home, helped him walk and left him there to fall asleep on the couch. Alone. Minho wasn’t there, stayed somewhere else the night.

The next morning Jisung went to work because despite the major headache he had to. He didn’t see Chan, Changbin or Minho. None of the other guys of their group either. Well, until he was home again and Minho was waiting for him.

Jisung said something, lots of somethings – he doesn’t remember what – but Minho didn’t say anything the whole time. Not a damn word. Minho stayed around though, that day, and he looked sad. Cold. Empty eyes. Pale skin. Kept avoiding Jisung’s proximity and Jisung’s touch. It’s understandable really. Minho probably started thinking he’s disgusting now. Jisung thought so too – still thinks so.

“Why did you do it?” Ever so calm, Minho.

Ever so honest, Jisung. He did warn Minho that it did not make any fucking sense, that he didn’t want to say it because it would just hurt Minho more. But Minho looked at him, already broken. Numb. Freezing. He just wanted an answer, no matter how fucking stupid it was, Jisung. Just give an answer.

None of it was worth it. No matter how drunk, how did he think that something like that is not a big deal? Why did he choose to do something so stupid? Why did he hurt Minho like this? Nothing made sense.

Jisung wasn’t supposed to hurt Minho. Jisung loves Minho.

Fucked up beyond repair. Jisung felt himself tear up quickly and like a coward, looked away when he said it. Kept it short. Now that he was sober it made even less fucking sense.

“I wanted to try somebody else.”

Han Jisung broke Lee Minho’s heart.]