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On his birthday morning, Doppo felt like crying, he never thought that he would live this much. Hell, he was sure that he shouldn't have been born.
He knew that the chances were slim, but he still had wished to not wake up, to have a painless death in his dreams.
Every day he wished the same though…
It was too much, everything was too much for him, his parents expectations, his brother expectations, society expectations in general suffocated him. He was just a miserable piece of trash, who struggled to do the bare minimum with his life.
He really has been trying his best, to be a good son, a good brother; but he never did enough. No matter how hard he tried, his grades were dropping and he could barely keep himself awake through the day.
He really was a failure.
He had no utility in the world.
He was only a waste of breath.
Maybe if he just disappeared, everybody will be at peace. Nobody deserved to deal with someone as pathetic as him.
He had tried. He had tried really hard to leave this world, but it seemed like some higher being decided that he deserved to live a long life, so he could suffer every day of it.
He couldn't get mad at that, it must be his punishment for being a failure.
The only good thing about that, was that he would be able to be Hifumi for a little longer.
Hifumi...
He may be a little blunt and always said what he thought, but he really made his days more bearable. His smile always filled his chest with a bubbly and warm feeling…
Being more honest with himself, all of Hifumi's quirks were charming to him. He really loved the way that he was always excited and never seemed to run out of energy… Even though, sometimes his energy was too much for Doppo to handle.
Nevertheless, his feelings for the blond grew more and more everyday, it was overwhelming sometimes. He couldn't help to long for more, even if he wasn't someone worthy of his love or attention.
He used to find comfort in his fantasies, but now they just hurt him. Was it really life worth living if he just was happy hiding in his imaginary world?
"Doppochin! Happy birthday!~" Hifumi beamed with a tackling hug, throwing him to the floor.
Oh right, he was at school now.
He had no idea when he arrived to his classroom. Well, the last few days had felt like a blur, he's been acting on autopilot, not really paying attention to his actions…
"Not a good day, huh?" Hifumi said at his lack of answer. And now that Doppo looked at him closer, he noticed that Hifumi's eyes looked a bit tired… Did he had a bad night too?
"Don't worry~ Hifumin has your whole birthday party planned, so you just can relax and cheer up!"
Doppo felt awful for finding him annoying. Even if he didn't want to accept that it was his birthday, Hifumi just meant well and it was really sweet that he had planned a birthday party for him… even when it would only be the two of them. However, he was way too tired to deal with his energetic friend.
He always was tired thought. No amount of rest seemed to fix that.
He just wanted to sleep forever.
Still, Hifumi seemed really happy and excited, it was always nice to see his smile, so Doppo gathered all the energy he could find to reply.
"Thank you. I… I really mean it." He replied quietly, trying his best to sound happy.
"No biggie~ Hifumin will always have your back!" Hifumi replied cheerfully, patting his back a little too hard.
Once classes were over, they both started to walk to Hifumi's house. It was a short walk and Hifumi was practically bouncing the whole way home, telling Doppo how awesome his birthday party was gonna be.
They could spend this day like the rest of the others and Doppo wouldn't care, but it was good to see Hifumi so excited.
Once they arrived home, Hifumi covered Doppo’s eyes with his hands.
"Whaー"
“You'll have to keep your eyes close and wait here~ I need to get everything ready!” Hifumi whispered in his ear, making him shiver.
"Fine, I won't see a thing." Hifumi removed his hands and Doppo just did as he was told, hearing his fríend running from side to side.
He didn't have to be in a hurry… Doppo wasn't worth it.
"I'm done!" Hifumi said, putting one of his hands on Doppo's eyes again. "I don't want to spoil your big surprise, so you'll have to follow my lead~" And with that he took Doppo's hand and started to guide him.
Slowly Doppo could feel his heart starting to beat faster, Hifumi has been touching him more than usual today… He just hoped that his friend didn't notice how his hands started to sweat.
"I know that you aren't that fond of cakes and you really like flowers, so I made this! Voilà!" Hifumi beamed uncovering his eyes. On the table was two plates full of pastry flowers, displayed in a way that it resembled a field of flowers. It almost seemed like a painting, this was way too beautiful to be eaten…
Doppo was beyond speechless.
"Since they're made of layers of crêpes I decided to play with their heights, and it really turned out well! The flower cutters really helped too!" Hifumi really was proud of his creation and he had every right to be. Doppo was sure that nobody else would have ever come up with something this beautiful and creative.
Doppo didn't deserve this.
Hifumi shouldn't have stayed up so late doing this for him.
He was like a parasite, living off his best friend kindness and never giving anything in return… Hifumi shouldn't spend his time doing something so beautiful for someone as worthless as him.
He had been feeling numb for almost the whole week, but now he really wanted to cry.
"Hifumi Iー"
"Don't say that they're too pretty to eat~ I worked really hard making something that you could enjoy, so let's eat up!" Hifumi interrupted him with a cheery tone. "Since this isn't a cake I guess I'll have to put the candles around… " The blond started to play with the placement of the candles until he seemed satisfied.
"There! It almost seems like the fire and burn the flowers though… Doppochin, only you can save them!" With that being said, Hifumi started to sing him happy birthday a little too fast paced.
Without noticing it, Doppo let out a chuckle.
He was really glad to have Hifumi in his life.
"Hurry Doppo! Save the flowers!"
"It's kinda weird to say that I'll save them. I'm gonna eat them once I finish…"
"I'm sure that they would gladly die for you~"
Wow, that really didn't sit well with him. Hifumi was only playing around, but to have someone (or in this case something) sacrificing themself for him was weird.
Trying to divert his thoughts, he blow the candles as hard as he could.
"Doppo if you didn't like it you can just say so…" Hifumi said with his plate already empty.
"Eh? What makes you think that? I really loved this Hifumi, it may even become my favorite."
"You've barely eaten." The blond said with a pout, pointing at his plate.
Oh, right.
He's been too distracted counting the layers of each flower…
"I just like counting the layers of each flower… It's kinda relaxing… Just how much did you have to make?" He said looking at Hifumi with a concerned gaze. Did he had to stay up late making this? That was the reason why he looked kinda tired this morning?
Hifumi just looked at him with what could only be described as fondness…
No, his mind must be playing tricks with him.
Why would Hifumi look him like that?
"It doesn't matter, I didn't count them. I'm glad that you really liked it though. If I'm honest I had my doubts about this last night, but I didn't have a back up plan or anything and it was too late to buy more ingredients to come up with something." He finished with a small chuckle.
Suddenly everything was too much. Hifumi shouldn't be downplaying his efforts like that. He shouldn't have to stay up late for his sake.
He shouldn't be so nice to him.
"... You know that I would be happy with anything. You didn't have to do all of this for me."
"Do-ppo-chin." Hifumi sighed, sounding a little frustrated, as he stood up. Doppo felt awful for making him upset, but he didn't regret his words.
He had no idea when Hifumi approached him, but now he was being hugged by the blond. It was different from his usual hugs, this was a little more hesitantly and soft, like it was the last thing he could do to make him understand.
With his hug, all of the emotions that he kept frozen inside of him starter to melt quickly, flooding him.
He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to deal with his feelings, he didn't want to worry Hifumi further, he wanted to stop being a hindrance.
Especially to Hifumi.
A part of him wanted the blond to forget about him, to just leave him alone. He deserved better than to waste his time on him.
He spend a lot of time making this beautiful dessert for him, yet all he could think about, was how much he wanted Hifumi to forget him, so he could die in peace.
He really was the worst, wasn't he?
"Birthdays are important Doppochin! This day you were born. Of course I will do my best to celebrate this day."
Hifumi words really hit him. He had spent his whole morning thinking about how much he wished to not have been born.
The world would be better without him after all.
"I… I'm aware that you've been feeling really bad, and tried some… dangerous stuff…"
Oh.
Now that he could finally think properly, he really felt awful.
"You've been trying really hard. I think that way too hard sometimes… I don't quite get how you feel, but I wanna be there for you. You can lean on me, y'know?"
He really felt like throwing up.
Another part of him just wanted to cling to Hifumi, to be comforted by him, to forget everything and just bask in the warmth of his friends.
Was he allowed to do that? Did someone as worthless as him have the right to do something like that?
"The messages that you sent me the last month were super scary. I know that you told me that you weren't feeling like trying something like that again , but I still get scared…" Hifumi said with a wavering voice. Bringing Doppo closer to his chest and holding him more tightly.
Doppo really felt like the scum of the earth right now. He really had felt miserable when the pills didn't work. He shouldn't have to woke up that morning. He felt so hopeless and in a moment of despair, he couldn't help but tell the blond all that was in his head at that moment.
He had wanted to be comforted, but he also had wanted to put an end to his suffering. In the end, when he came back to earth he just felt ashamed and like a nuisance. Telling Hifumi to not mind all the things he wrote and that he was fine. He put on a front that whole day at school and shut down Hifumi everytime he wanted to talk about it.
He can't believe how stupid he has been. How couldn't he notice how important he was to the blond?
He must have felt so scared.
"I don't know what to do to make your thoughts go away, so I least I wanted to cheer you up a little bit!" Hifumi said, trying to sound cheery but it came out forced. His expression broke at his own voice, making him to hold the redhead as tightly as he could, burying his face in his shoulder as he started to sob.
Doppo doesn't like when Hifumi cries, he wants him to always be happy and cheery. The blond deserves to live a joyful life without any sad moments.
He vaguely remembers when they were in elementary school and some guy made Hifumi cry.
Doppo punched him so hard that he pulled one of his tooth out.
… It's a shame that he couldn't do the same with the girl that traumatized him.
"You're the most precious person in my life Doppo… " Hifumi sobbed, interrupting his thoughts.
Doppo has no idea when he also started crying, but suddenly all of his senses seems to hit him. He finally feels like he's part of the reality.
It's his birthday.
He's in Hifumi's house.
He's breathing.
He's being held by Hifumi.
It feels good.
He's been a terrible friend.
He doesn't want Hifumi to cry.
He wants to hug Hifumi too.
Hifumi said that he's the most precious person to him.
A part of him still has troubles with the last fact. Why would Hifumi think of him as something precious? He's just a waste of time.
No matter how much he wants to accept Hifumi's feelings, he isn't worthy of them.
"I'm useless, Hifumi. I don't deー"
"I'll say it as many times as it takes! Doppochin is the most precious person in my life!" Hifumi interrupted him as he looked him into his eyes. His gaze was glassy but full of determination.
"If it gets too hard, I'll be there to hold you until you can stand on you own. Just… please don't go…" Hifumi said with the tiniest voice, choking on his sobs.
Doppo is full sobbing now. He wants to hold onto Hifumi's words. He doesn't want to feel like a burden anymore. He's tired of his hopeless.
He doesn't want to keep making Hifumi cry.
"It may sound selfish, but I don't think I could bear a world without you."
"... What if the world is better of without me? Maybe you'll be better off withー"
"Don't say that! The happiest moments in my live have been with you! You just can't see how amazing you are! And even if you weren't, you don't have to earn your right to live or something! Just by being you is enough..." Hifumi cut him immediately. Caressing his face with a shaking hands while the other still held him, words didn't seem to work so he was trying to convey his feelings with actions.
Hifumi held him as if that was the only thing that will prevent him from disappearing.
Was it right for him to just accept this?
Hifumi had looked at him fondly, he had said that he was precious, that his happiest moments have been with him.
Slowly, Doppo started to hug him too.
He didn't care if he was worthy of this, he just wanted to feel Hifumi too.
"I'm sorry for shutting you off like that… I didn't want you to deal with my problems and to worry you… You already got a lot on your plate, I didn't want to add more."
He didn't want to be a burden to Hifumi.
"Silly, aren't we best friends? You'll never be a burden to me! I wanna support you in everything I can, specially if you feel like dying… You really mean a lot to me Doppo."
If Hifumi cared so much for him, then he wasn't as worthless as he thought, right?
"... I can't say that I don't fantasy with dying. But I can assure you that don't plan to make those thoughts come true…"
"Those thoughts will leave you one day Doppo. You will live a long life full of happiness! And you will have a house full of the flowers that you love!"
Doppo didn't have it in him to keep arguing with his friend, he didn't want to keep arguing. He just wanted to be in this moment and the fantasy that Hifumi painted for him… A stressless life, spending his days doing whatever he wanted to without feeling guilty for being lazy or immature, without being yelled at. Just contemplating a lush garden grow…
Something was missing in that painting….
"And you? If you're not there, then it won't be a happy life." Just as Hifumi had said, he really felt that a life without the blond wasn't worth it.
Hifumi looked a little perplexed, then he let out a soft chuckle.
"Always by your side. I'll make sure we both grow old together, Doppochin."
After they both calmed down, they move to Hifumi’s bed, and just stayed there, feeling each other presence.
It really has been an eventful afternoon, but he was very grateful and happy that Hifumi got off everything out of his chest. They really hadn’t talked about Doppo’s situation, he really had sent some worrisome texts to his friend, only to shut him out telling him that he should forgot everything he had say, and that he really didn’t mean it. He just had wanted to not worry him, but it seemed that he did the opposite of that... What an awful friend he has been...
If Hifumi was the one that’s been suicidal… No, he didn’t even want to think about that.
"Oh shit!" Hifumi shouted getting up quickly, interrupting Doppo’s thoughts. "I almost forgot about your gift Doppochin! Wait here."
Gift? Did Hifumi had more things planned for him?
He really was an angel.
"Here!" Hifumi beamed, handing him a way too cute wolf plush. The fact that it was handmade almost makes him cry again. Just how much time did Hifumi spend planning this day? "I know that you like wolves and cute things, even if you try to hide it~ He will keep you company when I'm not around! You can think of him as me! I even put him on one of my bracelets~" Hifumi said not quite meeting his eyes. He is still scared of losing him, doing everything he could to make him feel better…
Doppo is speechless again, his brain can't process Hifumi's unending kindness.
A simple "thanks" wasn't enough to convey his gratitude for his friend.
Before he knew, his body had moved on his own, hugging Hifumi tightly.
"Woah! Doppo?"
"Thank you. For everything."
Words didn't seem to do justice to his thoughts. But he really needed to thank Hifumi more frequently.
"Does that mean that you liked it?"
"Yeah, I really love it... You really know me well, huh?"
"Of course I do! We're besties after all~"
Doppo felt his heart heavy with that statement, lately he felt that he's been doing a terrible job at being his friend.
And yet, he dared to dream for more when he hadn't been able to do the bare minimum for him.
"Doppo?"
"Sorry."
"What for?"
"For not being… a good friend.”
“You’re just going through some rough times. You’re the best friend I could ask for Doppo!”
“Stiー”
“Nope~ I won’t have that. Do you think that I should apologize to you when I'm having a bad day?"
"Of course not! The things you do are out of your conー "
Oh.
"See? I feel the same way." Hifumi finished with a little smile.
"I still feel bad for making you worry like that…"
"I worry because I care a lot about you Doppyon. Don't feel bad for that… Just tell me what you're feeling, okay? I'm always here to listen." Hifumi finished taking his hand, which was softer and warmer than his.
It felt good to hold hands. He hoped that they could do this again in a happier context.
"Doppo?" Hifumi said, giving his hand a light squeeze.
"Yeah. Sorry, I'm tired…" Hugging his gift, he let his head fall on Hifumi’s lap.
"Crying is totes tiring, right?" The blond replied with a bittersweet smile. Hifumi also has his own issues to deal with.
Hifumi also has had restless nights.
"... I don't wanna go home." Doppo mumbled. He felt kinda pathetic saying it, but he felt way too vulnerable and tired to put up a front. He wanted to stay with Hifumi, he may be a little tactless with his words, but he always had his heart in the right place.
Even if he didn't deserve it, he always made him feel appreciated.
He always made him feel… Loved.
"Y'know you can always stay here Doppochin." Hifumi replied stroking his hair gently.
Doppo allowed himself to just enjoy the moment, leaning into Hifumi's touch.
Hifumi had lent him some of his clothes to stay the night. It was kinda funny, since they didn't quite fitted him, Hifumi was a little shorter than him.
"Omigosh! You look so cute Doppyon!~" Hifumi gushed excitedly, making him feel embarrassed.
"Sorry, I hope I don't stretch them…" Doppo replied, trying not to think how warm it made him being complimented by his friend.
Though, if he was being honest, he kinda missed that feeling… Maybe it was a good thing that his numbness went away.
"Don't mind it~ Besides, one of these days I’ll grow taller than you!”
Doppo let out a chuckle, it was kinda weird to imagine Hifumi being taller than him.
"Hey Doppo… Can we sleep together?" Hifumi suddenly asked, a little hesitantly. Did he felt bad ? Was he having a rough night too? It must be his fault, he’s been way too immersed in his own world that he didn’t notice how bad Hifumi must have been feeling. It was all his faー
“It’s nothing serious! No need to overthink it.” Hifumi said while taking his hands, he didn’t notice that they were shaking until Hifumi held them. “I just… wanted to feel that you’re here.” He finished looking coy.
In the end it was his fault, but no in the way he thought...
“Yeah… Sorry for worrying you.” No matter what Hifumi said, he still felt guilty.
… Guilt won't bring anything good though.
From now onward, he had to make the conscious effort to communicate better his feelings.
To let Hifumi in when he had a bad day.
With that in mind, his mind felt calmer, only remembering Hifumi's kind words and actions. Meeting the blond really has been the happiest thing that had happened to him.
It's really been a while since he had felt at peace.
His torso felt a little heavy with Hifumi's arms around it, but was a good kind of heavy, a weight that anchored him to this world.
"Hey Doppochin."
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for being alive." Hifumi voice was so quiet that it almost sounded like a whisper. Fondness seeping through his words.
Doppo didn't know what to reply to that, he was aware that his thoughts would eventually come back and haunt him, but in this moment he was finally feeling peace and hope.
For this moment, the thought of living a little longer didn't frightening him anymore.
He was glad that he had been able to wake up today.
This night, he only wished to wake up just like this, embraced by Hifumi.
"Thank you for being by my side."