Chapter Text
It was dark in the castle, the hall lit only by the moon shining in through the window. Ginny stared up at the wall which, less than half a year ago, she had painted in chicken blood. Where the wall once had horrible messages splashed across it in stark red, it was now just stone and brick. No evidence left.
Filch hadn’t been able to scrub the walls clean here, in the first floor corridor where Mrs. Norris had hung still as death, but over the summer someone must have charmed it clean. Or, thought Ginny, fingers brushing over the cool stone, had they simply enchanted it until you couldn’t see what was underneath any more? An illusion crafted to hide away the results of her blackouts? She knew she could ask, but there was no way anyone would tell her considering how hesitant they’d been to even talk about things that had happened to her. Like saying it out loud would make it real. Whatever had happened was over now, there was no one in her head but her.
The way everyone acted, it was as if nothing had happened and this wall was like every other. The dark haze of lost memories was remembered only by her, and wasn’t that ironic? Would she ever remember what she’d done? She doubted it. The last year was made of so many broken moments, walking to the Great Hall only to wake suddenly on the other side of the castle with sweat cooling on her skin, and a million others like it.
There was evidence of other things, a secret chamber and a dead snake deep below the school told to her in low murmurs by Ron one sleepless night. They’d sat by the fire in the common room that last term after, well, after everything . He’d been pale, only making the fading graze along the side of his face more apparent.
“M’sorry Gin,” he started, eyes never leaving the crackle-pop of the fire, “I should've noticed you weren’t well.”
She hadn’t known what to say, her tongue heavy and awkward in her mouth, so she told him she didn’t remember nearly dying or even travelling down beneath the sinks and he looked at her then. Really truly looked at her and Ginny had wanted to disappear. Then he told her everything that Harry had told him and they had stayed there, in front of the fire, until breakfast.
It had been a comfort knowing what lay beneath the school, would continue to lie there for years to come. Tangible leftovers. It made her curious; what other secrets did the castle hide? But despite all this she was still bitter. There was nothing left behind to see, she thought furiously, of the whispers. Of his crooning voice slipping from black ink through her blood. Staining her. No painted wall or secret bloody chamber. Only the cadence of her thoughts shifting until she couldn’t recognise what she used to sound like.
She wrote out all of herself until she was made of ink. Page after page written out in careful handwriting. Tom had been her confidant, she’d been able to tell him anything and he was always so kind! He’d asked about Harry and listened to everything she’d told him. He always had time for her, and he always knew just what to say.
“Dear Tom, sometimes it’s awful having six brothers. George and Fred were being proper awful this evening. Going on about Harry right in the middle of the common room! I asked them to stop over and over and they wouldn’t give up. They’re so embarrassing! I’m so glad Harry and Ron weren’t there. I might have thrown myself into The Lake if Harry had heard. They never listen to me and they say such nasty things sometimes. It’s like no one understands me. But you do, don’t you?”
“Dear Tom, Harry looked at me at breakfast this morning! I couldn’t speak a single word. What would I even say to him? He’s so lovely.”
“Dear Tom, I still haven’t made any friends at school. Well I have you of course! You’re the only friend I need. Still, I’m glad Percy or the twins haven’t noticed. Fred was being a right prat yesterday.”
“Dear Tom, I haven’t been feeling well lately. I’m so tired during the day that I go straight to bed after class. But when I sleep it’s as if I’m not sleeping at all. It’s frustrating but I need to stay on top of all my class work. I’d hate for Percy to know I’m struggling.”
“Dear Tom, it’s getting worse. I woke up in the middle of the hallway with no idea how I got there. The last thing I remembered I was in Charms. I think I’m going crazy. Tom, I’m scared.”
Secrets spilled out on to paper in confidence, twisted and taken until she was little more than a body. Tom invaded her effortlessly, pushing until he settled so tight in the spaces that there was no room remaining for her to fill. Suggestions taking root in her bones deeper and deeper until she couldn’t pick them out.
They’d been two months into the school year when she’d awoken, terrified, with chicken feathers stuck to her robes and flaky red paint under her fingernails. She’d scrubbed and scrubbed at her hands, the water turning red as it shuddered through the old pipes. Looking into the mirror Ginny knew she was pale - Percy had mentioned it frequently enough, but she almost didn’t recognise herself. Like she was watching someone else through the glass.
Only two months and Tom had conquered her so completely. As her lapses in memory became more frequent she had panicked and tried to rid herself of the diary down the loo. There was something evil about it, the way it made her thoughts slow like honey. Finally free, relief had nearly brought her to her knees. She was so light she could have floated away, up closer to the sun so she could feel the warmth burning on her cheeks. But then, then Harry .
She’d seen him with the diary and the world had ended. How badly he’d think of her. The humiliation that burned her skin at the thought of Harry reading her careless confessions cowed her into stealing it back.
The light she had only just begun to feel again, blinking out of existence. Yet it wasn’t until five months after that dreadful Halloween that Ginny had nearly died, small and cold, deep under the school where she’d have faded away to nothing if not for Ron and Harry.
The worst of it had not been the hollow feeling beneath her breast bone or the way her eyes bruised from lack of sleep, but that she had put all her trust in Tom and he had used her. Stupid little girl slid through her thoughts like a snake through long grass. As easily as she had written out directions to her every weak spot and insecurity in that diary. And although he’d never said those words to her they tasted of him, brought bile to her mouth and coated her tongue in acid. What an easy target she had made herself, so desperate for a friend who didn’t think poorly of her ill-fitting robes or that her brothers couldn’t embarrass her in front of.
Even after she had suspected him she’d been too ashamed to tell anyone. Her one attempt, a desperate courage crawling up her throat, squashed before she could truly get anywhere. Percy hadn’t meant it. She knew that, knew how horrified he’d be if he ever found out what his interruption that day could have cost. Yet, the Great Hall had seemed all that much wider for how small she felt.
When she awoke in the hospital wing, heavy and empty, her dad’s trembling hand gripping her like if he loosened his grip she’d drift up and away, her paper body swept up by a breeze, she couldn’t help the sobs that built up in her chest until they burst, crying until she was heaving. Her mum clutched at her, cries muffled in Ginny’s hair. Even surrounded by her pale-faced freckled brothers, Ginny didn’t think she’d ever felt so lonely in her life.
She had stayed at school that last term, colour returning to her cheeks under Percy’s attentive eye. It hadn’t even been a year she’d had that blasted diary, and with so many days missing, lost to Merlin knows where, it felt even shorter. As if she had only just gotten on the train, nervous but delighted.
She imagined she must look much the same, knobbly-kneed and bright-haired. Taller perhaps, freckles brighter from a summer in the hot Egyptian sun. Bill had grinned when he saw her, quizzing her on quidditch and ignoring the twins when they leapt over themselves insisting she didn’t even know anything about quidditch! He was good like that, Bill. Soon Charlie and he had made a game of it, asking her about complicated maneuvers to the howls of the twins and Ron's loud grumbling.
Still, each moment seemed to stretch longer than it ought to. There was something not quite right buzzing along with the insects in the evenings. Dad had been quieter than usual, and Mum louder. One night, after they’d all been sent off to bed she’d gotten up for a drink and nearly walked in on her parents and Bill and Charlie all talking about her around the kitchen table in hushed voices and worried tones. Standing just outside the doorway Ginny had wanted to scream.
Now, for a brief second in the dark of the castle she considered it, wondered how her voice would echo through the cold halls, how long it would take someone to get there. But she didn’t scream, didn’t yell like a wild animal trapped inside a too-small cage. Instead, she breathed raggedly through her nose and ignored the prickling along her skin. The pale stone, blank and mocking, gazed back at her.
How dare he , she thought viciously. How dare some boy make her hollow and timid. That’s all he was in the end, a boy. A stupid bloody boy who thought he had gotten the best of her. She wasn’t that girl any more, eleven and so desperate for kindness. That girl was gone, slowly faded until she died in that chamber and Ginny didn’t recognise her, barely even remembered her. The distance between the glittering sunlight of her childhood; dirty from the garden, always left wanting, and whatever creature she was now was jarring.
An imitation of a girl, performing the part as much as she knew how. She’d tricked herself over the summer until the ice cold chill of the dementor on the train settled inside her. It had crept its way past the mask and to every dreadful thing inside, to the snake's tongue she had grown.
She wasn’t… she wasn’t stupid or little or-or anything! If anyone ever tried to make her feel so pathetic again she’d hex them ‘til they were purple and all their hair had fallen out. Of course, she didn’t know any hexes so perhaps she’d have to settle for a good shin kicking instead.
Teeth bared and blood blistering, Ginny could almost forget the pit in her stomach. With a shuddering breath she turned away from the bare wall and made her way back to Gryffindor tower, carefully making her way through the corridors until she came face to face with Mrs. Norris. They stared at each other a second before the bloody thing went yowling around the corner to fetch Filch and Ginny ran.
Chest heaving she stepped through the portrait hole. She sighed, relief coursing through her that the common room was empty. Thank Merlin, she didn't know how she’d explai-
“What are you doing up?” Percy pursed his lips from where he leaned against the entrance to the boys dormitory, face flushed.
Startled she walked straight into the back of a large armchair, catching herself right before she toppled over.
“Merlin, Perce!” she swore.
Even in rumpled blue pajamas his glare could truly rival Mum’s, and Ginny felt herself shrink under his gaze.
“I was just- well, you see-” she ducked her head, cheeks burning. Percy sighed, the exhale loud in the emptiness of the common room.
“I’m not mad,” he said “I only-” it was his turn to pause now and she peaked at him through the curtain of her hair. His shoulders were hunched slightly and he was pinching the bridge of his nose right where his glasses sat.
“I’m supposed to look after you Ginny,” he sounded tired. “And I can’t do that if you’re wandering around the castle at all hours when you should be in bed!”
“I'm sorry Perce,”she mumbled, twisting her fingers “I’ll go to bed now”. She made it about three steps into her escape before she was captured in an awkward, limb-heavy hug.
Buttons pushed uncomfortably against her cheek and Percy’s chin dug roughly into the top of her head as he folded himself down to accommodate her height. A weight she didn’t realise she carried between her shoulders dropped as Ginny leaned into him, wrapping her arms loosely around his waist.
“Does this mean I’m not in trouble?,” she teased, muffled where she was pressed to his chest.
“You really should lose house points,” said Percy pretentiously as he began to remove himself from her, straightening up his pajamas in embarrassment.
“You wouldn’t!” Ginny gasped up at him in betrayal.
He would.
She stared up at him, glasses askew and eyebrows pinched, his face unmoving in it’s seriousness.
“I will next time” he told her, “So no more late night walks, you need your sleep.” he coughed and took a step back, shoulders straightening and nose taking its rightful place as high up as physically possible.
“Night Percy” she grumbled as she ducked around him to the staircase to the girls dormitory.
“Good night Ginny” he called quietly after her.
She grinned to herself as she crept into her room, heart burning, careful not to wake her dormmates. Why had Percy even been up? Waiting for her in the dark. Brothers, terrible the lot of them.