Work Text:
"You... really want to help?"
"Yes!" Matsuda said loudly.
Anything. He'd do anything for L. All at once, that familiar feeling coursed through his veins, his heart racing at the very thought of being able to help L. He believed on a certain level that the detective needed it. That even though he pretended he was a machine, he still needed a companion. Maybe Matsuda needed to believe that L was lonely. L's eyes slid in his direction.
"Then could you get me another cup of coffee?"
The feeling deflated. Matsuda's cheeks burned.
"You're so cruel," he whispered under his breath.
But L, being the ever-so-perceptive man he was craned his neck in Matsuda's direction, his eyes wide.
"Cruel?"
The way he said it was so innocent, genuinely curious. Matsuda faltered, clearing his throat.
"I-I just mean... I can do more! I'm... I'm worth more than just an idiot."
L stared at him what felt like the longest time, unblinkingly and captivating.
"Of course you are."
That made Matsuda look at him shock. L's thumb hung off his lip.
"If you were simply an idiot, you would not be here. Even short-staffed, I take my investigative team very seriously and if I did not find value in you, you would've been dismissed from the force long ago. I did my research on each and every one of you. Matsuda-san, your skills with a handgun, hand-eye coordination and speed are unparalleled to anyone on the task force. If Kira were in front of us, and I had to pick someone from the team to shoot in a second decision, it would be you."
His throat closed on him, unable to think of what to say. Work, brain, damn it!
"I-I-"
"Even though you're atrocious at calculations and the more nuanced aspects of investigating," L cut in gently. There was the ghost of a smile on those thin lips, eyes bleeding a warmth Matsuda had never seen on that face before, "I very much value you, Matsuda-san. Both as a police officer and an individual. Sometimes... I question the depths to which I value you."
Matsuda's heart fluttered pleasantly. Was-was L saying he liked him? N-no, he was just being polite. But then again, L was never one to be polite. Swiveling back in his chair, L's fingers flew across the keyboard.
"My coffee, Matsuda?"
Matsuda was still in shock.
It had all happened so suddenly. One second, L was there, his spoon poised above the death note's page, rattling off the perfect plan. The next, he was falling, just a mess of tangled black hair and a billowing white shirt. Matsuda had been so frozen that he couldn't move or think. Ryuzaki... L... had fallen over. And rather than snap into action at the last second, Light had been the one. Light was always the one rising to the occasion. All Matsuda could see were the two bodies close together, and then Light's head whipping up, screaming about the Shinigami.
Instant panic washed over Matsuda. If L couldn't have survived, if L had been killed so quickly, what chance did he have? He quickly covered his head, waiting for the worst. Was he having a heart attack? There was most definitely a tightness in his chest... but nothing happened. Light ran off to look for Rem.
All Matsuda could do was dazedly support L's body while the task force ran out, looking down at that face. Sometimes it was easy to forget how young the detective was... technically they were around the same age... wow. There was still so much Matsuda hadn't done, so many things he was figuring out. And L- fuck, they were both so young. it was such a frail frame, delicate yet hiding a power. Matsuda's eyes welled as he brushed ebony locks away from L's face.
His eyes widened in realization. L knew. L knew he was going to die... that's why he...
Matsuda liked to just sleep in the building. He hated going home to his mother who'd slap and berate him for being so stupid. So that's where he was, tossing and turning in bed. It was November 4, and apparently the forecast said that it'd be storming the entire week. The thunder kept him up, making him groan.
There was a soft knock on his door and his brow furrowed.
"Ryuzaki?"
L stood on the other side. Something was wrong. The detective looked so downtrodden, his shoulders hunched and his eyes hollow. Matsuda faltered, his heart squeezing.
"A-are you okay? Do you want to come in?"
Wordlessly, L nodded, wrapping his arms around himself. Matsuda stood to the side, watching L in a daze. He cleared his throat, moving for the small kitchen in the apartment.
"Do you want anything?"
"Coffee," L croaked, "I need more coffee."
Matsuda's brow quirked, glancing at the other from the side of his eye. L was now trudging slowly through the apartment, almost looking lost.
"It's almost midnight," Matsuda replied gently, "are you sure you want to be drinking so much coffee?"
"... I suppose not. It doesn't matter anymore what I think."
What the Hell is wrong with him? Matsuda stared at him.
"When was the last time you slept?"
L didn't answer, swaying unsteadily on his feet. Matsuda locked eyes with the detective until L sighed, his gaze flicking away.
"4 days."
Matsuda blanched.
"What?! Nope. Come on, you're getting some sleep."
"I'm not tired."
"Yes you are, you're just lying to yourself."
Matsuda gently but firmly tugged L towards his bed. L scanned his face in that analytical way only the detective could, but didn't respond. Helping L settle into bed, Matsuda was about to leave to give the other some quiet. L's hand snapped out, tugging pleadingly on Matsuda's arm.
"Please don't go," he whimpered, "... I don't want to be alone."
Well this was... unexpected... Matsuda's heart skipped. He cleared his throat, awkwardly lying down next to L. Ha... he was lying about a foot away from his crush. His messy, rude, incredibly intelligent crush. L's eyes flickered, his face so close that Matsuda could smell strawberries. It was L who initiated the kiss. His lips softly pressed against Matsuda's, his skin smooth. Matsuda froze, his systems crashing together. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! He tried not to feel giddy. It was such a delicate spell, as if one wrong move would send the elusive detective running like a wild animal.
To his shock though, L shifted closer, deepening the kiss. Matsuda parted his lips, tasting cake and the remnants of coffee. When they parted for air, Matsuda blinked questioningly. L swallowed thickly.
"Matsuda... will you, um, can we-" Matsuda had never seen L flustered before... his eyes popped when he realized what L was asking. L curled in on himself, "-I'm sorry. This was a stupid idea."
Matsuda pursed his lips. So much apologizing. He knew what that meant, what was going on to make a person feel so sorry, even when they hadn't done anything wrong. But he never imagined he'd be hearing L do it.
In some ways, it was hard to forget the detective was just human.
As flawed and insecure as the rest.
"You keep apologizing... Ryuzaki, what's going on?"
He gave an obviously forced smile.
"I just haven't been feeling well lately... you get scared, right?"
"Of course?"
"I'm not sure if I've ever been. I was thinking and I realized there are so many things I want to do. There's so much in this world, and I've- I've wasted it on sitting in a dark room," his voice wavered, "...I want to live..."
Matsuda chewed his lip, reaching out an experimental hand. He dragged his fingers lightly down L's cheek, gaping at the shiver L gave. L pressed against Matsuda's hand, his lip quivering. It looked like he was on the verge of sobbing... Matsuda smiled sheepishly, worried that the offer might sound dumb, but hey, no harm in trying, right?
"When this case is over, I can show you around Japan? A-and if you want a traveling buddy or something, we could go anywhere you want!"
L's eyes misted, a sad smile crossing his lips. There was a beat where neither said anything, and Matsuda paused, a foreboding feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. L's throat bobbed, his eyes glassy.
"I'd like that," he whispered, "I'd like that very much..."
Before Matsuda could register it, they were kissing again. He moaned into L's mouth, pulling the man against him. They grasped and pulled, L rolling on top, his neck craned downwards. Matsuda looked up at the man, his pulse thundering. L was so incredibly beautiful. It wasn't a word he'd normally prescribe to men, but in L's case, it was true.
L's kisses became sloppy with their own sort of desperation. Matsuda felt like he was about to explode. For someone so lightweight, he was being crushed under him. Hands groped and clothing parted, Matsuda's scents being assaulted by the tastes and smells of sweets mixed with the cotton sheets.
"You bastard," Matsuda cried out, his body shaking, "you knew! You fucking bastard!"
He looked down at L, a sad laugh escaping. Right now, at this very second, he reminded Matsuda of a kitten he'd found when he was little. It was dead, its fur scraggly and matted, its body small and limp in his arms. He pulled L into a tight hug, the other's head rolling back, perfect porcelain skin reflecting the red from the data delete messages. Matsuda kissed L's throat, remembering his teeth grazing that skin, pulsing and alive not even 24 hours ago.
"L!" It was all Matsuda could manage, before he devolved into sobs.
There was no funeral. The task force didn't know who L cared about to come. Besides, such a ceremony might attract attention and have people realize that L was dead. No, they decided they'd have a small wake in the building.
Matsuda and Light were in charge of dealing with the coroner.
Matsuda couldn't help but feel that Light was acting coldly, discussing a cover story in regards to the death. The coroner simply nodded. As Light explained, Matsuda's gaze slid over to the body bag on the table, so deceptively innocent. Light's cell rang and he sighed, eyes flashing in Matsuda's direction.
"Can you take things from here?"
Matsuda's head bobbed. Holding his phone up to his ear, Light adjusted his suit, strolling casually out of the morgue. Matsuda's head was pounding, unable to tear his eyes away from the bag.
"Can I, um... can I see him one last time?"
The coroner tilted her head curiously, but she didn't argue, just showing L's face. He looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. Matsuda shakily touched the back of his palm to the other's cheek, a shudder passing through his spine at how cold the skin was.
"What's going to happen to his body?" Matsuda rasped.
She shifted.
"Well, unless someone claims him, he'll be cremated and stored in the vault. When we need more space, his ashes will be buried together with others in a potter's field."
That made Matsuda's head whip up, his heart racing. L, the intelligent, gorgeous L, the most amazing person he'd ever met... just a pile indistinguishable from others? Just picturing that face beneath him as dust made his knees buckle, his stomach going sick. In Japan, most simply stored ashes in a grave. It was what Matsuda grew up with. He was okay with that, but the thought of L being unceremoniously buried with so many others, his very essence scattered. It didn't feel right.
Light came back, having heard her from the hallway. He clasped his hands together.
"No problem, is there anything we need to-"
An unexpected flame flickered up in Matsuda's stomach.
"No!" He shouted.
Both the coroner and Light blinked, watching him incredulously. Why didn't Light look more shaken? Was it really because Matsuda was that weak?
"Excuse me?" Light asked inquisitively.
Matsuda was breathing heavily, his nostrils flaring.
"H-he deserves a burial, w-with a headstone." His ashes deserve a resting place... I want him to be at peace.
Light held his gaze, eyes narrowing to slits.
"But then we'd have to pay for the funeral. Matsui, he has no family or loved ones that we know of. What's the point in giving him a grave? Don't be an idiot."
Matsuda's lip quivered. Light had flawless logic. No one on the task force except the two of them cared for L. By all accounts, it'd be a waste of money and time to only have 2 mourners, and those 2 not even knowing much about the body. Was he really being an idiot for wanting to give L a grave? Was he being too sentimental?
"Okay," he murmured to Light's satisfied grin.
"Don't worry, Matsui. If he'd wanted something different, he would've left instructions behind in a record or something."
Matsuda supposed that was true. They'd gone through the computers and hadn't found a single document, nothing that survived Watari's purge. Idiotic Matsuda always wanting the sentimental thing. The illogical route. An illogical creature surrounded by incredibly logical beings. But... he forced his gaze onto L.
As logical as the detective may have been, he was still human...
He had fears and dreams and desires. Matsuda's blood roared, remembering how incredulous he was that someone's body could be so soft. That someone with such a monotone voice could make such rasped and emotional sounds.
"Fuck, Touta!"
Hands that were somehow both cold and warm... little growls and husky groans.
Was he imagining it? Some energy or aura emanating from L's body and begging him for help? Please, Matsuda. I don't want to be forgotten. He couldn't possibly see L wanting this fate.
A strange resolve passed over Matsuda. It was a snap moment of clarity, all the sadness and loss in his chest freezing. He straightened, the tremor in his limbs quieting down. Light's eyes widened a fraction, but he remained otherwise still. Matsuda locked eyes with Light, a feeling he'd never known drumming in his chest.
"I'll claim him... cremate him. And then I'll pay for the grave."
Light blinked, stunned.
"Bu-"
"Light. Ryuzaki is getting a grave. You don't have a say in this."
Swallowing hard, Matsuda marched out of the morgue, still feeling numb, but a new sense of peace settling over him.