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Katie knows her brother, knows him within the very depth of her heart, from alpha to omega, and every little thing in between. And it's not as though she knows everything about him, doesn't know what he does, doesn't always know what he is into - but she knows him. Knows Chris, from his first steps on bumpy floors to his first role and his first appearance on red carpet which still feels dreamlike and unreal.
Her fucking brother is a movie star. An actor. Someone little girls (and boys) dream about. On some days she really doesn't want to consider that. She's just a therapist after all, she's happy with her life, happy with what she knows and doesn't know - she is happy with what she does.
And really it's just weird.
He isn't doing well though, sits silently on their parents couch, fidgets with the paper he still holds in his hand and isn't reading, just skips over the pages, unfocused and lost and she doesn't know what to say. Well, she does, but it's totally different if it is your brother and not some client in front of you. It's difficult to chose the right words, to ask personal questions without them being to intimate, venturing into territory she really doesn't need to know about.
She ought to know better. But sometimes it's doesn't help that she does - some things need to be asked, to be considered and even if it's your brother and you don't know how to approach the subject - she can't keep from looking at him, noticing his slumped posture, face sunken in - it feels as if he is trying to look miserable, more miserable than he already is just to punctuate it.
"You don't need to tell me. Just promise me you'll get help", she says, and it feels like a conversation they already had.
Maybe they did, but she's stubborn she wants him to go, wants him to talk to someone about this fucking mess, he, they put themselves in.
It's not that she isn't familiar with heartbreak and difficult break ups, with relationship issues other people have, issues she has, but this goes beyond the acceptable margin of being mourning for something that might once have been perfect and exactly what he needed. But now it's just a fucking mess and she really can't watch her brother like that. He is a mess, who doesn't eat, doesn't shower, doesn't take care of himself and knowing her brother she'd bet money that these things aren't the only self-destructing behaviours he's nursing right now.
Anger is not a bad thing, nothing is essentially a bad thing, everything has it's place, has to be accepted and integrated into life, into the very self. But Chris always tended to blur the lines between the appropriate expression of anger and hatred, temper tantrums as a child and yes, he used to be a horrible teenager utter self-deprecation and intolerable self-destructive behaviour.
It's not that he's hurting himself deliberately, he's not cutting himself (or at least she hopes he doesn't), he isn't drinking too much, he doesn't get beaten up just for the sake of it, but instead he just doesn't care.
Doesn't care about himself, about his well-being, the way he looks, the way he treats himself and he just doesn't (doesn't want to) notice it.
She shakes her head. That's what makes this so difficult.
Chris just looks at her incredulously as if she had told him the things she'd just been thinking.
Then he nods, looks at his fingers, shakes his head.
He doesn't know. He doesn't notice. Katie is scared.
"I - I don't know." he stammers and Katie can't help herself but sits down next to him, puts an arm around him and kisses his cheek.
"That's part of the problem. I think." she concedes and feels him ever so slightly leaning into her touch.
"Look - I know you love him very much. And I don't know what happened except that you obviously broke up - but Chris you have to take care of yourself. That's just no way to live."
She's right and he inclines his head, but doesn't withdraw, still wants her to touch him, to soothe him, to make it all better. Katie knows she can't, not right now, not ever. All she can do is sit here and try to be his sister, someone who understands without even knowing.
Maybe this is what having siblings is about.
"He would have told me the same thing. Well, maybe not as nicely, but he would have."
He sounds empty and hollow, drained of emotions and yet there are myriads of thoughts, of considerations beneath the vacant shells these words are.
"Of course he would. Zach isn't that kind of stupid."
It's exactly the wrong thing to say because Chris shies away and Katie doesn't dare to look at him, well maybe Zach is that stupid, maybe they broke up for some really stupid reason Katie can't imagine.
She doesn't know. She doesn't want to know and it really doesn't matter to her at all, because the only thing she can do is taking Chris' hand, holding him back, gently and carefully, looking at him.
"Sorry, you're my brother and I love you."
And maybe that's the most important thing to say right now.
*
When Katie first met Zach, after she'd peripherally noticed him on TV and in magazines she usually skips over, she had known he was homosexual. It was just an observation with no further consideration, she's a therapist, she may not be the smartest person alive, not the most astute or interesting person even - but she knows how to read people, how to understand body language and well, in college she was one of the girls who always enjoyed guessing people's sexual orientation.
It's not that she judges anyone, being gay is like being tall or short - it's just a genetic disposition. Nothing more.
And they laughed, had fun, it was a party after all and she never even thought about Zach and Chris being an issue. Because, yes, her little brother is bisexual, sure, but who isn't?
Maybe she should have known. But a part of her is glad she didn't, that she just enjoyed the company, just enjoyed being with interesting and vibrant people her brother obviously liked.
They just talked briefly, a short and meaningless conversation, small talk.
She doesn't know if it had been different if she had known then.
*
She doesn't know Chris like she knows herself, doesn't know if his smile, the way he slouches on the couch, really mean that he is better - but he definitely looks better. Not like the movie star he is supposed to be, sure, he is still too thin, his cheeks still too hollow, but the colour has returned to his face, eyes no longer vacant and the little flush on his lips as they smile again - not like they did before, more subdued, still vulnerable, but they do smile.
"You look better! Tell me who told you to suck it up and get on with your life?"
She mocks him and everything is back to normal.
Chris shrugs, snort and pats her shoulder, not willing to answer yet, the thinks about it for a second then rolls his eyes.
"Believe it or not - there are people on this planet I do listen to."
"Yeah, like your publicist, did you see enough blond girls this month or didn't you follow that agenda?"
"Sometimes I know exactly why I hate you."
But Chris giggles and Katie takes a cookie from the plate as she leans closer, noticing a faint yellow bruise on his cheekbone Chris obviously tries to hide with some badly applied concealer, maybe he should hire an make up artist too.
She hasn't seen a bruise like that on Chris before though, she doesn't like it. It's not that she cares, well she does but it's none of her business and she sort of knows Chris is into that kind of stuff. Though she won't ask him, he is her brother and there are things she doesn't want to know.
Instead she makes herself say "If there is something I should know you'd tell me, right?"
Chris averts his eyes, then looks at her questioningly.
"I still have to figure it out. But yeah. I would."
She swallows, she didn't expect him to honest, expected him to prevaricate, to brush her off with an inane joke. Yet, he seems sincere and honestly, she is stunned. Well, maybe he really does listen to someone.
*
She has already complained about the hoodie, the horrible beard and those freaking glasses which do hurt her sense of fashion because yes, they may be en vogue, but Chris? Does he have to wear them? Couldn't he just let that trend slip?
He does. Apparently. And he doesn't listen to her but starts explaining out of nowhere as they both stand in front of the mirror.
"It's difficult. We're not together but we still have something. Kind of. We, we need to figure things out."
Actually Katie expects more eloquence from him, he is an English major after all, but she knows it's not easy for him to talk to her. So she frowns and stares at her fingernails, beautiful red nail-polish, exquisite lip-stick and a tight dress in which she looks fabulous.
She doesn't know what to answer because she doesn't know how to deal with Chris being that honest. So she doesn't inquire further, just stands next to him and nods.
Standing in front of the theatre, she is his pretext, something - someone - he can hold onto if this night doesn't turn out well. She feels good, proud, because her brother trusts her enough to show her this even if he can't say it. The vulnerable stage of a relationship that exists and yet doesn't, a myriad of difficult, complicated and possibly hurtful things even they struggle to name.
But it does exist, and they don't pretend that it doesn't.
And that is a good thing.
Zach is wonderful on stage, brilliant, truly convincing, vibrant and mean - though not in a bad way.
And Chris is right, her girlfriends are right, while her brother is the golden boy, the shiny innocent hero, Zach is born to play the villain, the weird and the alien - and she remembers that some of her girlfriends had a crush on him. Yeah, he's attractive - but seriously?
Katie undoubtedly withstands from finding her brother's boyfriend hot. Not because he isn't, but even the though of seeing him that way seems totally inappropriate. And Katie likes having appropriate emotions.
He's a freaking brilliant actor and her brother's not boyfriend. Period.
*
Zach's touch feels hesitant, almost unreal, he looks at her, but his attention is focused on Chris who smiles shyly. Well - it's okay, she knows what she does as she gives them the space and time they need. It doesn't matter she brought a good book with her - she is a big girl.
And it's one of the best feelings she has experienced in years - seeing them together, careful and oh so gentle with each other, cherishing the moment they have.
She is exhilarated as she leaves them, they will work it out. Things will be alright.
And she loves her brother. More than she knew she did.
*
Celebrating her birthday is something Katie loves, her house is full of people she cares about. Everything goes smoothly, it's a sunny day, she likes the roses on her desk, the carefully chosen presents she gets. It works out perfectly. David, her fiancé is in charge of the barbeque, her friends are sitting in the backyard, talking, laughing, she likes the gossip, the conversations about their lives, mutual friends, kids and work, marriage, relationships, Lena who talks about her trip to France and everything feels alive and utterly complete.
Katie cherishes the moment as she walks out of her kitchen door which leads to her backyard, her tiny garden, sunlight touches her skin, she feels warm and beautiful and alive.
She smiles as she spots Chris standing there, talking to Lee, she can hear her laughing, and God - he didn't come alone, he brought someone with him, she doesn't need to guess. It's Zach, wearing a ridiculously stylish hat and glasses as he stands next to Chris and then starts mingling into the crowd.
Wow.
Chris has brought his boyfriend. The boyfriend most of her girlfriends - and she isn't ashamed to admit that to herself - gushed about at one point in life. (She has known most of them for years.)
Chris notices her and smiles - he feels more vibrant than ever.
He hugs her swiftly, mouths a "Happy Birthday" against her cheek as he kisses it.
She has to smile at that as she leans into him and closes her eyes, her fucking little brother, one of the persons she loves most.
Chris hugs her back and kisses her hair.
"Surprise. Surprise." he murmurs and starts laughing.
Lee stares incredulously at her. She may not be Katie's best friend, but she clearly is one of the most astute, brilliant and intelligent people Katie knows - she is a neurologist after all.
And she knows Chris, knows that her brother actually is Chris Pine. Katie solemnly talks about Chris when she is talking to people that aren't her close friends - it's not that she isn't proud of him but not everyone she encounters on a daily basis has to know that her brother is Chris Pine, she likes to keep that fact private.
And she did tell Lee that Chris had relationship issues - serious ones, but she didn't even tell her that he was in love with a guy nor that she mentioned that the guy might be an actor too.
"Seriously, Katie?" she asks and raises her eyebrows, looks at Chris and snorts.
"Sorry, Chris", Lee says and hugs him briefly before continuing.
"You could have just warned me. I thought this was just your birthday party right - not an A-list celebrity event!"
"I am not - " Chris interrupts her, but Lee just shakes her head.
"Don't you dare thinking that Mister Pine - you totally are - and that friend of yours? Seriously.
So Katie - are there any more surprises? Maybe Clint Eastwood anywhere?"
"Seriously. I am not that kind of celebrity!" Chris complains but Lee ignores him and looks at Katie who giggles and hugs Chris closer.
"Not that I know of."
Chris grins sheepishly at them, shrugs.
"Ladies - I am sorry that my boyfriend is so popular around here."
He ducks away as Lees eyes widen in astonishment.
"Nice to meet you" Chris pats her on the back as he slips away, Katie sees him talking to David next.
Lee just stares at her.
"You sure we don't need to sign confidential agreements?" she asks before she slaps Katie's back.
"I need a drink. What about you?"
*
Zach finds her in the kitchen, smiles timidly, studies her cautiously, but she shakes her head, the warmest smile she knows on her lips. She comes over and he hugs her gently, self-consciously
"Happy birthday. It's really nice." he says calmly.
"Yeah, I am surprised you came, didn't know you were in the city."
She invites him into the conversation, smoothing him into it. He's insecure, arms tight to his body, eyebrows drawn together, tense but not touchy.
"Chris told me to come and suck it up."
"Smart boy."
Katie offers him a drink, the hors d'ouvres she takes out off the fridqe.
"If my girlfriends scare you, you can always help me in the kitchen."
Her friends are scary, a bunch of doctors, psychologist, therapists and artist, they all seem to outsmart each other.
"No, they are awesome actually, smart and fun. But they did surprise me."
Katie nods.
"Yeah, that happens. Tell me if they start discussing detailed patient cases. I'll stop them."
Zach looks horrified at the prospect, arm drawn tight around his torso.
Most of the time medical professionals can shock people because with them no area is sacred, everything needs to be discussed and prodded at, even anal fissures and haemorrhoids, vaginal fluid, every detail of every surgery, psychiatric patients who committed suicide while being in a treatment facility, and if he ran into Jeanne, who is lovely and cute and looks oh so innocent with her short blond hair and beautiful blue eyes but is a tremendously fierce person and a sexual therapist who sometimes tells stories which disgust even Katie, yes if he ran into her she truly understands why he wanted to flee into the kitchen.
"Yeah, that is really not my thing." Zach shrugs. "I mean, I know that they don't mention any names, but it's just weird."
It's weird if you imagine your own therapist talking about you and your most intimate thoughts on a casual birthday party. She considers his possible train of thoughts.
But really, it isn't that important, people always talk, people need to talk and especially therapists with difficult clients - it's called intervision. She doesn't have a problem with that although she has to ask Jeanne what she did tell Zach though she is pretty sure she didn't tell him anything and he just overheard a conversation.
It's okay though. She understands him. But for someone who enjoys caning her brother (she didn't ask, just saw some lines on his back and asked Jeanne) Zach is pretty closed off.
Instead of answering him, she hugs him briefly, tries to steady him, to convey that everything is alright, that his thoughts and feelings are legitimate and appropriate even if she sees things differently.
"Thanks."
He is looking for the right word, doesn't find it, struggles to understand, to find his way to say what he wants to say and yet can't. It's more than that. He is afraid, afraid of her and her judgement.
"For not ever asking."
He says at least.
Katie sighs, takes an olive, tastes it, looking at Zach in disbelief, before she puts her hands on her hips.
She can't let him think that, can't let him stay there, afraid of her, scared and ashamed of himself and Katie knows he is working through these things, otherwise she wouldn't even know he experiences them, he is an actor and a part from that she would bet a grand that he is marvellous at lying at himself, deflecting all the things about himself he doesn't want to even exist.
He is not going to be afraid of her, he will not feel threatened.
So she smiles - brightly and menacingly.
"Zachary John Quinto, if you do think that I'd think less of you if I knew what you did to and with my brother, you're a total idiot.
I don't. It's none of my business. All I do care about is that you - yes - I mean you - and Chris are happy, whatever you do, whatever you're into. So suck it up."
She sound like her mom, or like Sassy Mitchell, powerful, strong, displaying unconditional love one can often only experience for family.
Sure, she makes him feel like a little boy, pushes him into the role he probably despises, but she has to tell him that. It's not just about him, it's about her and the need to clarify her point.
Zach seems overwhelmed, stumbles back, but she smiles fondly at him.
"I love you. So go and mingle with the crowd, find Chris - I know you like that!"
*
"What did you tell Zach?"
Chris calls her a couple of days later.
"He seemed pretty impressed, actually."
"Just told him that I don't care what he does and doesn't do to you and with you as long you're both happy."
She answers truthfully, no point in lying.
"Even if he likes caning me until I cry and beg him to stop?"
She sighs, it's Chris after all. And she knows he has a safeword.
"Yeah, Chris, I suppose so."
"Oh"
"Yeah. Oh."
Katie considers elaborating, but decides against it, it wouldn't change anything.
"Love you."
She hangs up. It's an odd life - but it's hers.
*