Chapter Text
Adora had never been to a wedding. She didn’t even know what weddings were, until Netossa and Spinnerella had kindly explained the concept of marriage to her, after she had questioned the couple on their matching diamond rings. It’s the promise to love someone no matter what - to be by their side always and forever, not only in this life, but in the next, and the one after that, and after that, and so on. Adora walked away from that encounter in a dreamlike daze, her heartbeats feather light and butterfly wing fragile. The simple conversation had awoken a profound longing deep within her core, an intrinsic yearning for something that she never knew had a name. For years, it had been buried behind impassable thorns and clogged with bitter shadows, but now it was spreading outwards, bathing her bones in dazzling light and soaking her guts with viscous honey. She was drowning from the inside out in something so sweet and tender that it brought tears to her eyes and made her stomach twist and turn with the gentlest and kindest of aches.
For the first time, Adora allowed herself to want.
---
Adora almost didn’t recognize her reflection in the waterfall before her. Her dirty blonde hair, usually held back in a tight ponytail, cascaded down her shoulders like spun gold. She knew if she dragged her fingers through it, that it would be silky soft and part welcomingly between her fingers. A crown circled her head, dipping in the center to show off a gleaming pink gem that was neither plain nor ostentatious. But perhaps the most surprising thing about her appearance was the gown she wore. It was nothing like the magenta dress she had worn to princess prom all those months ago; it was white and gold, hugging the curves she usually kept hidden and showing off her muscled arms. Although she couldn’t see it, she could feel the weight of a long cape clasped beneath her exposed shoulders, the material skimming the marble floor.
Adora didn’t need context to know she was wearing a wedding dress.
She wasn’t alone. Glimmer and Bow were there, too. Glimmer’s hair was chopped short, and swept over one side of her forehead. She was dressed in her customary blue and pink and purple, but she wasn’t wearing her trademark gloves, elegant gold bracelets looped around her wrists instead. Bow still exposed his midriff, but his heart-adorned crop top was replaced with a low-cut shirt and cape that matched Glimmer’s. His hair had grown long, and was pulled back into a messy bun, but the beginnings of a goatee were the most amusing change to his appearance.
And then… there was Catra.
Her hair had grown out from the pixie cut Adora had trimmed on the spaceship, and while it wasn’t as unruly as it had been during her time in the Horde, it was beautifully disheveled. Her cape matched Adora’s own - white with gold accents, while her undershirt was that shade of red that she had begun to associate with Catra so well. Usually, when Catra smiled, the grin would seem out of place on the magicat’s face, but here, right now, the smile looked like it belonged. Her freckled cheeks were tinted pink, affection glittering in her mismatched eyes. She was, for lack of a better word, gorgeous.
When her friend - no, her future wife - held her hand out, she didn’t hesitate in taking it.
---
Adora and Catra had kissed before. Carelessly, thoughtlessly, recklessly. They were never good morning kisses, or “I love you” kisses, or just because kisses. They were lonely, starved, fragile kisses. There was love between the two; that much was true. But it was a love laced with toxic flower petals and burdened by a heavy, inescapable darkness. It was more melancholic than romantic, more hopeless than passionate. They took what little comfort they could from each other’s embrace, and replaced all that they took with an aching emptiness that dulled their thoughts and strained their bones.
This kiss was nothing like that.
Despite the direness of the situation, it was slow and meaningful, intoxicating in it’s unhurried ecstasy. Adora could properly appreciate the mellow warmth of Catra’s chapped lips on her own, the gentle dragging of her friend’s nails along her scalp, the feel of their bodies fitting together like long-lost puzzle pieces. It was radiant and intense and all-consuming, setting her soul on fire and turning any uncertainties she may have had into ash. She pressed closer, as close as possible, but it still wasn’t enough. She wanted their bodies to collide into a watercolor kaleidoscope of crimson and canary and coral. She wanted their souls to meld into a swirling whirlpool of seafoam and sage. She wanted Catra to swallow her whole in a vortex of cold fire and lazy thunder. She wanted -
This.
---
The sunlight had never felt so soothing and sugar-coated before. It drenched her in sublime waves, penetrating her skin to warm her very bones. A rainbow shimmered in the sky above them, colors blending together to create a majestic cloud of iridescent vapor that seemed to dance in the air. She could hear laughter and birdsong and her own elevated, yet steady, heartbeat. She was gazing at her scuffed shoes, but as a pair of gentle hands slid over her own, she looked up and met a pair of tear-glistening eyes. Words weren’t necessary; they both leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together, closing their eyes to enjoy the serenity and blissfulness of the moment. Adora’s heart seemed to expand in her chest, engulfing her lungs and ribcage in a fiery ball of euphoria.
I’m here, and I’m never leaving again.
---
A week passed. A week full of well-deserved rest and equally well-deserved hugs. She spent most of her time in Catra’s arms, waking up in them in the morning, and falling asleep in them at night. Glimmer was more than happy to offer Catra a permanent room of her own, and Bow was more than happy to have a new member of the Best Friend Squad to tell embarrassing stories about his new girlfriend, and so the days passed in a blur of good-natured ribbing and affectionate cuddling.
Catra used to hate bathing - she and the other cadets had to force the magicat into the showers back in the Horde, because no, grooming yourself does not count as washing - but after her return from Horde Prime’s spaceship, Adora found her girlfriend taking baths daily. Catra claimed it was just because the water was actually hot in Bright Moon, but she suspected there was more to it, that she was trying to wash away the events of her captivity, but she said nothing. Catra would open up to her when she was ready.
While Catra was in the tub once again, Adora found herself on one of the castle’s many balconies, her eyes focused on the stars. It was still surreal to see the celestial bodies in the night sky after shifting Etheria out of Despondos, and she was sure she would never get tired of watching them. Tonight, they looked like pinpricks of light through thick black paper, some glowing brighter than the others, as if they were competing for her attention. One of the two moons was setting, sinking below the Whispering Woods, while the other was at her peak, casting a hazy glow over the castle’s surroundings.
“Mind if I join you?”
Without looking over her shoulder, Adora nodded. Queen Glimmer moved forward to stand beside her, looking upwards as well. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”
“Beautiful isn’t strong enough a word.” Glimmer smiled. “I can’t believe we lived without them for so long. I know why you missed them so much.”
Adora found herself smiling softly, too. “Did you know you can use them to navigate?” She pointed towards a particularly bright star, slightly larger than the others. “That’s called the North Star, because it always points north. So no matter how lost you are, you can orient yourself.”
Glimmer pursed her lips in thought. “Hm… that’s incredibly helpful. I’ll have to see if I can get some cartographers to make charts of the stars. It would make nocturnal missions a lot easier, that’s for sure.”
Adora playfully nudged her companion. “Already looking ahead to the next battle? Was the war against the Horde not enough for you?”
Glimmer blushed and elbowed her friend back. “No! I’ve seen enough fighting for an entire lifetime. But it helps to be prepared.”
A comfortable silence settled over the pair. Like with Catra, Adora and Glimmer had their own language, one that required no words or signs. Just being.
After a long moment, Glimmer cleared her throat, looked mischievously at the hero out of the corner of her eye. “So… You and Catra, huh?”
The blonde blushed, her cheeks rosy in the moonlight. “Me and Catra? What about us?”
“You’re together now. What’s that like?”
Adora played with her hands. “It’s… great, actually.” Violets bloomed in her chest at the admission. “It’s like… It’s like nothing bad ever happened. What things would have been like, without Shadow Weaver or Hordak or the entire weight of the world bearing down on us. She’s cute, and funny, and smart, and when she smiles, it’s the most gorgeous thing in the world. She’s happy, I’m happy, we’re finally happy, it’s... “ The warrior trailed off, embarrassed.
A hand squeezing her shoulder told her it was okay. “I’m really happy for both of you. I know things… things were really messed up between you two. But I’m glad it’s okay now, and you have each other. I want you to be happy, Adora. You deserve it.”
Adora’s blush deepened, and she decided it was time for payback. “Well… how about you and Bow, huh? What’s that like?”
Glimmer dropped her hand from her shoulder, and seemed to grow smaller as she looked away. “I… We’re not together, anymore.”
“Oh…” Whatever Adora had been expecting, it wasn’t that. “I’m sorry… Is everything okay?”
The queen nodded, but the corners of her lips were still pulled into a frown. “Yeah. Bow’s nice. I love him, and he loves me. We always will. But we talked about it, and we decided, maybe we don’t love each other the way we thought we did. Does that make any sense?”
“As in, you see each other more as just friends?”
“Exactly. I thought… I don’t know, with all the emotions running high, I thought maybe I wanted to be with him, romantically. And it wasn’t bad, but it felt… wrong. I’m not even entirely sure if I like men, to be honest. Maybe there’s a man out there that I’ll love, maybe there isn’t.” She smirked then. “But in the meantime, there’s plenty of women for me to crush on.”
Adora laughed, wrapping an arm around her friend’s waist. “That’s the spirit, Glim! And no matter what, I’ll support you, I promise. Figure things out at your own pace, okay? I want you to be happy too, Glimmer. Because you deserve it.”
Glimmer ducked out of her hug, poking the hero in her side. “Hey! Don’t spit my own words back at me! That’s plagiarism!”
Laughing, the two play-fought, before once again turning their attention to the sky above, leaning softly against each other.
“I love you, Glimmer. And I know Catra loves you as well.”
“Bow and I love the both of you too, Adora.”
---
Sometimes, Adora forgot the scars were there.
Usually she wore her scars with pride. In the Horde, where healing magic was nonexistent and bandages were few and far between, scars were considered marks of bravery. They were something to show off around a campfire, something to brag about to the other force captains, something to frighten the new recruits. They were badges of honor, and even though Adora had left most of her beliefs from her childhood behind, she still revelled in the sight of her scars.
But not these ones.
The battle of Bright Moon was nothing to celebrate. Catra’s claws shredding through skin and muscle was nothing to commemorate.
It took months for the wounds to heal. Adora, still hanging on to twisted values instilled into her in the Fright Zone, kept her injuries hidden for as long as she possibly could. By the time Glimmer noticed blood seeping through the warrior’s undershirt after a particularly taxing training session, it had been weeks since the battle, and far too late for there to be any hope of the lacerations healing without leaving behind gnarled skin. Since the gashes were on her back, Adora had no idea what the true extent of her injuries were, but she knew it was far worse than she imagined when the then-princess gasped at the sight in front of her.
After years of her body being forced to rely on it’s own biology for healing, it rejected most types of restorative magic, the magic leaking out of her faster than it could be absorbed. For months, she had a mess of bandages and gauze taped over her back, with Glimmer, Bow, and Angella taking turns tending to her injuries. By the time the wounds had healed, her back was a tragic tapestry of lost love and shattered spirits.
She never wore a backless dress again, or changed in front of any of her friends. But as sleepless nights and vivid nightmares went by, she thought about them less and less, and sometimes she could convince herself that they never existed.
Not tonight.
Adora and Catra had been cuddling, facing each other, sharing sleepy kisses every now and then, tucking stray hairs behind each other’s ears. She massaged her partner’s hand, pressing her calloused fingers into her palm, easing the tension she found there as Catra purred contentedly, her eyes glazed and half-closed. When she finished with her work, she scooted even closer to her girlfriend, tucking her face underneath her chin, placing a lingering kiss on her collarbone. Catra yawned into the blonde’s messy hair, before planting a kiss of her own on her skull, then carefully and deliberately trailing her fingers down the grooves of the scratches engraved into her back.
Adora’s eyes shot open, widening as her stomach plummeted through the mattress and sank through the floor, dragging the rest of her insides behind it. It felt like everything within her was oozing out of her through a hole in her side, dripping down, down, down. Her body tensed up, feeling freezing cold and blazing hot at the same time. Darkness dribbled into her hollowed-out chest, filling what was missing with a panicky desolation that threatened to devour her. The air was sucked out of her lungs, like right before an explosion, and she opened her mouth to breathe, but all that left her throat was a shuddering gasp.
“Adora? Are you okay?”
Catra blinked the bleariness from her eyes, and upon noticing her girlfriend’s horror-struck expression, sat up on her elbow to lean over her. “Adora! What’s wrong?”
Adora couldn’t speak; her mouth was dry and her tongue ash, and she knew she needed to breathe, but she couldn’t remember how to. Her lips trembled, her eyes watered, her hands shook.
“Babe, speak to me. It’s okay. I’m right here, I promise.”
The words were meant to be comforting, but the saccharine sweetness of her tone failed to elicit any reaction from Adora. She kept struggling to breathe, her throat parched and aching, a dense fogginess dimming her thoughts. Her back was scorching hot with pain. Daggers were dug into her skin, boring into her bones, flaying her flesh. The blades sizzled as they drove a searing path that criss-crossed over her spine, blood bubbling up unbidden from the jagged abrasions. Tears slipped down her face, carving rivers along her cheeks before plummeting to the sheets beneath her.
“Adora, please, speak to me.” Catra’s voice was low and urgent, as she reached her hand out once again, placing it gingerly against her back -
Adora didn’t have the words or air to scream, but her silent shriek of agony was the loudest thing either woman had ever heard. So loud, that the aftershocks drowned out Catra crying out her name, as the warrior shoved herself as far away from her frightened girlfriend as possible. She was wrapped in thick blankets that impeded her progress. Lashing out in every direction possible, she pushed the blankets away, giving her some room to breathe, hyperventilating. Catra tried to help disentangle her lover, but all she got was a bruised nose for her troubles, as Adora, unaware, pressed her knuckles into her face.
Finally, she was free, and fell to the floor with a loud thump, landing on her back, which flared up with pain once again. She could smell smoke and death and desperation, hear the cries of the wounded and heartbroken. Her mouth tasted of iron and copper, tangy and disorienting and almost intoxicating in it’s intensity. It was happening, all over again. Even when she had good days, had good dreams, had good thoughts, the battle never left her. It owned her. It was squatting on her stomach and wrapping it’s fingers around her neck, pressing tight enough to leave a bruise and turn her face blue, saliva flecked with blood dripping from its venomous fangs, melting holes in her cheeks, dissolving her jaw -
“Adora!”
Catra leaned over the edge of the bed, devastated, reaching out towards her girlfriend. She wanted to offer her love, her consolations, her apologies, but Adora knew that the only thing Catra would be able to offer her right now was fear, torture, atrocities. She was sinking through the floor and reuniting with her panic-stricken organs and Catra was getting farther and farther away, inky tendrils encroaching on her vision, thousands of grasping hands pulling her away from the one she loved, the one she was supposed to love, the one she was meant to love, the one she -
Catra grabbed her wrist.
The screech that tore out of Adora’s throat shredded her vocal cords. Catra relinquished her grip and leapt backwards in astonishment, ears flattened against her head in shock. The hero felt all of her nerves and muscles and organs snap back into place, and she surged upwards, roaring like a mighty wave against the shore, frothing around shale and coral. With no awareness of her actions, she bolted to the bathroom, struggling with the door, her knees jiggling like jelly. Once she finally launched herself inside, she slammed the door shut, locked it without thinking, and collapsed against the frame, sliding down to sit on the tiled floor. She was breathing much too fast, much too shallow, her entire body shivering.
Oh, it hurt so bad.
Her scars, her heart, her head.
She didn’t know when she started sobbing, but she had no idea how to stop. Her tears were endless. Her pain was endless.
She felt the door rumble in it’s frame, and she knew instinctively that Catra was on the other side, sitting with her back against it in the same position she was in now. The inches of wood between them may as well have been a steep gorge, a raging river made strong by storms. She had never felt this far away from Catra, even when she was in outer space, thousands of miles away.
There was silence except for broken weeping. Eventually, Adora exhausted herself, her sobs turning into pathetic sniffling, her eyes finally dry and red.
It was only then that Catra spoke up.
“I’m sorry, it… It was the scars, wasn’t it?” She sounded pathetic. Defeated. Ashamed.
Adora took her time answering her, trying to swallow past the bubble in her throat. “It hurts so bad, Catra. It hurts so bad.”
“I’m sorry, Adora.” The magicat’s voice cracked, tearing Adora’s heart even further in two. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry - I…” It was her turn to break down now, bawling into her hands. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am, I didn’t mean it. I loved you, Adora. I love you. I would never hurt you ever again. You know that, right?”
Adora’s head was pounding. She wanted to sleep for weeks. She didn’t want to wake up, ever again. “I know, Catra. I know. I know, I know, I know, I’m sorry - “
“What are you apologizing for?” Catra laughed, incredulously, through her tears. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault.”
“But… I’m hurting you.” Adora squeezed her arms so tightly she knew she would leave indentations.
“But I hurt you first.”
Neither said anything for a while. And then -
“Will it ever stop hurting, Catra? Will… Will we ever stop hurting each other?”
“I don’t know, Adora. I don’t know.”