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I'm trapped. I can't move. They're watching me, smiling in a way that I used to think was friendly, but now terrifies me. It's a precursor to more torture, and there's nothing I can do but wait for them to hurt me until they get bored.
I start to cry, squeezing my eyes shut against the sight of those twisted smiles.
"Aoba."
I shake my head.
"Aoba, open your eyes."
I know better than to disobey. I open my eyes, and see black fur in front of my face. Welter! In panic, I scream and lash out, and he goes flying.
There's a crash and a yip, and I realize that I'm awake. I'm home. What was holding me in place wasn't restraints, but my own blanket. I must have wrapped it around myself while I thrashed in my sleep. And what I punched away was --
"Ren!" I untangle myself from my blanket and hurry across the room to pick him up. "I'm so sorry, are you alright?"
"I am fine, Aoba," Ren reassures me, "Are you alright? You were having a nightmare."
A nightmare. That's right. It was only a nightmare. I hug Ren close to me. I've been safe at home for two months, since the hospital declared me fit to return home. I was rescued. Virus and Trip are gone, and I'm safe now. Only nightmares left.
"I'm alright," I reassure Ren, "It was only a nightmare."
I hug him a little tighter. I'm pretty sure I screamed when I woke up, so that means any second now...
There it is. A soft knock on my door. I can't help but sigh. He's so predictable.
"Aoba, are you awake?"
"Yes."
"May I come in?"
"Yes."
Before all of this, Koujaku never thought twice about just barging into my room. Now he never does anything without asking me first.
He opens the door and comes in. I'm sitting in the middle of my floor holding Ren, and the blankets are strewn halfway off the bed. I know he can tell what happened, but he sits down next to me. He leaves a little distance between us, enough that we can't touch accidentally. I've had panic attacks over that, but not for a while. I can't tell if I appreciate the consideration or resent him for reminding me of how broken I still am.
"I'm fine. It was just a nightmare."
I put Ren down in my lap and very purposefully lean against Koujaku, and he puts his arm around my shoulder. That feels better. I'm not so broken that I can't appreciate a hug.
“Would you like anything? Food? Something to drink?”
I shake my head. I don't want food, I want to be better already. He's being kind, and it honestly pisses me off. Koujaku has never been a mean person, not by any stretch of the imagination, but he was never afraid to tease me before. He's been exceptionally careful with me since he rescued me.
I bury my face in his shoulder. He's solid, and very warm. Even though in my mind, I know Virus and Trip were the same temperature as anyone else, in my nightmares their hands are always cold. I shiver. Koujaku strokes my back, gentle and soothing...
It pisses me off. I jerk away from him and glare.
“Stop that!” I hiss.
Koujaku pulls his hand away from me like he was burned. He looks distraught. “I'm sorry! I should have asked you first – are you okay?”
I put my hands on his shoulders. I want to shove him away, but that'll send the wrong message, so instead I shake him.
“Stop treating me like I'm fragile!” I yell. “I'm not going to break if you treat me like normal!”
There are tears welling up in my eyes, and I know that doesn't help my case, but sometimes Koujaku's careful kindness hurts almost as much as the tortures I went through. There are few physicals scars left over, but I've been changed, marked for life by what they did to me. And Koujaku keeps reminding me of it. I stop shaking him and drop my head. He's already seen me cry a lot, but I don't want him to see me crying now. I feel pathetic.
“Aoba...” he puts his hands on mine, squeezing gently, “I'm sorry.”
"Stop apologizing!" I snap, glaring up at him, "Why are you even still here babysitting me?! Do you just like to feel like you're earning brownie points, looking after your fucked up friend? You've been here for three weeks! Why don't you just fucking go home!" I jerk my hands away from his grip, but I still want to hold something, so I drop them to Ren, still sitting in my lap. He's looking up at me with concern.
"Aoba, you are exhibiting early signs of a panic attack," Ren warns me.
I'm not panicking, I'm furious. I stand up, dumping Ren off my lap. I feel momentarily bad about that, but I can't care too much. They're all coddling me, and I can't stand it.
“Or maybe you think you can take their place, huh?! They made me into their toy and now you want to play? Think if you're kind to me then I'll just fall on your dick out of gratitude?”
"Aoba..." Koujaku says quietly. He looks hurt at my words, but I don't care.
"If that's what you want, then go ahead,” the words keep falling out of my mouth and I can't do a damn thing to stop them. “I won't stop you. Take what you want and leave, because I don't want or need you to take care of me! I can take care of myself! Get out!"
What if Koujaku actually does it? Just fucks me and leaves? At this point it might be a relief. At least then I'd know what he'd wanted, not taken in by fake friendship and betrayed. I trusted them and they turned me into a slave, a toy for their pleasure. They were my friends, I trusted them...
Damn it, Ren was right. I am panicking. My heart is pounding in my ears and I'm sweating. My legs feel weak.
"Aoba," Ren says.
I take a deep, shaky breath. When I was hospitalized, a nurse taught me breathing exercises, so I didn't have to rely on medicine to get through my panic attacks. I do them now.
Koujaku stands up, looking at me with concern.
"Do you really want me to leave, or..." Or am I just lashing out again?
Guilt hits me. I've done this to him more than once, but even when I'm lashing out at him, his only concern is me... I can't make him angry at me, even if I say or do something cruel, he's only worried that I'll be okay.
After Virus and Trip, I have no idea what to do with that kind of care. I start to cry in earnest, and stumble into his arms. I hug him tightly, partly because I'm sorry, but mostly because panic attacks usually leave me too shaky to stand on my own. He gently guides me over to the bed and we sit down on it.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." I babble, clinging to his shoulders. I hate when my fear speaks for me. It makes me say such horrible things.
"It's fine," Koujaku says softly. "You're getting better. You are getting better, Aoba. I don't know how well you can see it for yourself, but I see it every day."
"I'm sorry, I just... I'm so fucked up, Koujaku."
"Yeah," he agrees, "But so is everyone, in some way or another. Yet they all manage to get through life. And so will you."
I don't always believe that, but Koujaku's confidence that I'll recover really does help. I let him go and lean down to pick up Ren.
"Ren, I'm sorry." I know he's just trying to take care of me. Everyone is trying to take care of me, and I just give them grief for it. I'm horrible.
"It's alright," Ren says, "And Koujaku is correct. You are recovering. It's been eighteen hours and forty-five minutes since your last panic attack."
"That's all?"
"It's the longest interval yet. Almost double your previous record."
I guess that's a good thing, but knowing that I haven't gone a full day without a panic attack in over two months doesn't really make me feel good about my recovery. I hold Ren tightly to my chest and lean into Koujaku's arms.
I'm tired. It's still dark outside, so it must be the middle of the night. I'm surprised Granny hasn't come up to scold me for the noise, but she doesn't yell as much at me anymore...
"Ren, what time is it?"
"4:41 AM."
Fuck. "I should probably go back to sleep."
“If you want to.” Koujaku says.
“Stay here?” I ask him.
“If you want me to.”
Somehow instead of sleeping I end up sitting on my bed with Ren and Koujaku, watching a movie I loved when I was a kid. I'm still awake when dawn arrives and the credits roll, but Koujaku has fallen asleep on my pillow. I would wake him, but I don't really mind. I'm obviously not falling back to sleep any time soon, but I might as well lie down and get comfortable.
I lay down next to him, my back against his. Ren curls up next to my head. I feel much calmer now. It's hard to not feel safe here, in my room with Koujaku to watch my back.
I'm still broken in a lot of ways. But broken things can be repaired, and I think I'll be okay. Eventually.