Chapter Text
Damian ran a hand through his hairnlooking at the mirror absently. He had began letting his hair grow out a few months ago and now it sat heavily curled and falling just over the tops of his ears. He had to admit it looked kind of cute, it made his face look less chubby and young. A good thing since puberty had made him put on a bit of weight. He wondered what it would look like if he let it get even longer. Like Dicks hair before he joined the police force. Would it be able to get that long with the heavy curls or would it just stay in simi-tight curls around his head forever. It didnt matter he wouldnt be around long enough to see it grow out that far.
He examined his body in the mirror once again with a frown as he analyzed every impurity on his skin. The deep scars that ran from his hip to his knee on both legs, but more heavily on his left. There was a few new cuts there, after three years he relapsed but he didnt care anymore. He almost wanted to tell Dick but he knew the older man already veiwed him as a disapointment and didnt want to burden his farther. Then his eyes raked iver the bruises on his side from patrol where he had been knocked back by a thug that he should have seen coming up behind him but he didnt. He had been off his game lately, distracted and tired, and being Robin didnt bring him the same joy these days as it had before, not since that night.
Ever since that night nothing brought him joy. Just exhaustion, and sadness, and anger. He had been too weak and too trusting and he had been punished for it. And every day, every night, every second he continued to breath was a second where he continued to be punished for his weakness. Every time he tried to take a step forward he felt like he was falling three steps back and he was just so tired of it at this point.
He squeezed one hand around his wrist and closed his eyes. He could still feel everything that happened that night. He couldnt remeber it all but he could feel it. The salty taste in his mouth, the dizziness, the nausea, the fever, the confusion, the feeling of a brick wall digging into his back, the feeling of hands around his wrists pinning them. Waking up at home not really sure what happened but overwhelmed with the feeling thag he had somehow failed to protect himself and with an unidentified disgust toward himself and his body.
Damian pulled his eyes away from the mirror and to the clock. If he was going to do this he needed to do it now so that he didnt risk it being too late and Dick coming home in the middle of everything. Carefully he unfolded the note in his pocket sitting it down on the nightstand and crawled into the bed. He already had the pills sitting on the nightstand, he had been planning this for over a week. Today was the day. He popped the lid off the bottle and felt fear overwhelm him. Tears burned his eyes and he fought them back.
He didnt have time to second guess himself. He didnt have time to wonder if he was making a mistake. He knew if he stopped now he wouldnt go through with the plan. The one he had so painstakingly put together. He needed to do this and he needed to do it now, he just hoped everyone could forgive him.
Dear Dick, Jason, anyone who cares enough to read this note.
I am sorry
I can not explain my actions and at this point I highly doubt any amount of explanation would suffice in explaining why I must gotheough with this. Iam sorry. I know you will attempt to blame yourself but I am telling you now this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed my course of actions.
I have been a burden onto you and this "family" for too long. I am sorry. My existence has been of nothing but burdens onto others and even my conception was of lies and decite. I have come to recognize recently how much pain my existence has caused. I am sorry.
I am not a hero and I am a disgrace of a Robin. I have failed to protect myself and I have failed too many times to be trusted. I am sorry.
You hated me i know, from the start I was little more than a brat and I am aware that you never wanted me to be a part of your life. I have caused you nothing but problems, i am sorry.
I am weak and stupid, i have been nothing but a failure and a selfish child. I wish there was some way I could have stopped us from having ever met so that this would not harm you. I am sorry, i never wanted to harm you.
You made me a better person, you made me understand that I have never wished to harm anyone. Only to impress and obey. But I can not go back and change what I have done and I can not stop the anger and sadness from building up inside of me.
I have little more condolences I can offer you other than to once again say I am sorry. I hope you do not hate me.