Work Text:
Good Omens - Another Day in the Life IV
Author: The Magic Rat
Rating: PG
Pairings: Crowley/Aziraphale
Warnings: Squabbles, nibbles, time outs.
Word Count: 1860
Website – Ex Libris: http://www.winter-wood.net/ex-libris/index.html
Live Journal: http://delaese.livejournal.com/profile
Disclaimer: All Good Omens characters, places and situations are the property of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and are used without permission and without intent of plagiarism or profit. Copyright for all stories and original characters is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.
Summary: Aziraphale really needs to get his face under control.
Author’s notes: This chapter dedicated to akikotree, Lunatique, Secretsofluftnarp, and CompassRose as a thank you for their amazing podcasts of Chapter One of this series.
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From the diary of Principality Aziraphale.
Thursday, May 21, 11:32 AM -
Alas, my heart! I am forsaken! Crowley has succumbed to the charms of another. Granted I can see why; the gentleman is roughly 30 cm tall, wearing a Captain Britain t-shirt, a clean nappy, and with a binky in his mouth that reads "mute button". We're in a very small park in the village near our cottage, and I think Crowley's new friend has strayed from his guardian. I'm quite convinced the tot can actually see Crowley's true form, because he keeps reaching up to touch wings no one else can see. Honestly it makes me a bit jealous. Small children look at Crowley and see a beautiful black and red serpent with golden eyes and the blackest wings, and they are fascinated.
They look at me, see a whirling collection of wings and eyes and holy fire, and scream their heads off.
11:36 AM -
Mother says if I don't like it, I am perfectly free to do something about it. I told Her that I never said I didn't like it, I just wondered why I needed so many eyes.
11:37 AM -
Mother says if I keep questioning Her, I am in Time Out. I said I am not questioning Her, but why do we need all the eyes?!
11:38 AM -
I am in Time Out. I hate being in Time Out - you sit in a public corner in Heaven on a stool, and you can't leave until you have thought about your behaviour. Well all I can think is that this must be the sort of thing that led to Crowley's downfall, and I don't want to fall. Once you do there is a very good chance your personality will change catastrophically, and while I don't care about me, I do very much care about Crowley. He would be devastated if I turned into something horrible that did not love him any more.
11:45 AM -
Mother says I can come out of Time Out because I thought about the needs of others, specifically one adorable snake. I asked if that meant I could ask about the eyes.
11:46 AM -
I am in Time Out.
12:15 PM -
Gabriel happened by and saw me on the Time Out stool. He smugly asked me if Mother was finally fed up with my canoodling with a demon. I said Crowley and I had never "canoodled", we were saving ourselves for marriage.
Humans often make reference to the "blue screen of death". I am not very clear on what that means, but I do believe I just witnessed it in an Archangel. Finally Gabriel asked what had led to my being punished, and I said because I kept asking why angels needed so many eyes. Gabriel pondered that, and asked; "Why do we need so many eyes?!"
12:17 PM -
Gabriel is in Time Out. Well it's nice to have company, I suppose.
12:47 PM -
Michael and Sandalphon came by, spied us, and asked why we were in trouble. Now we're all in Time Out, and shall likely be here for a very long time, because all we can think about is why angels need so many eyes.
1:00 PM -
Sandalphon suggested if we turned into our true forms, maybe we would understand the need for all the eyes. So we did. And there we all were, four angels, twenty four wings, and roughly fifty million eyes. Granted you can see a great deal, but I should imagine it's very hard to eat cake that way. Michael mentioned that Gabriel's suits would never fit no matter how they were altered. I suggested a competition; I'd eat cake, Gabriel could put on a suit, Michael could row a boat ashore, and Sandalphon could watch The Sound of Music, and we'll see who finished first. Michael said I was an ass. We're all still in time out, but at least we're giggling. We agreed Sandalphon would win.
I wish we could play like this always, but I know it's just a matter of time before they remember they don't like me.
2:00 PM -
Free at last! I went back to the park and found Crowley was still there, along with his new suitor, and a small crowd of searchers. Little Captain Britain's mummy had arrived, and not surprisingly she was beside herself with relief. The baby kept pointing at Crowley and saying "Izza snik! Bee snik!" which I assume translates into "My goodness Mother, do you not perceive the size and beauty of yon serpent?" Crowley relinquished the tiny superhero, and came to stand beside me to take my hand. Then, as Mummy and Baby were departing, he looked to me and uttered a phrase I truly never thought I would hear.
"I want a baby."
Dear God in Heaven, I do swear to you upon my knees that I did not mean to make that face out loud.
2:01 PM -
It took six thousand years, but I made Crowley cry. I am not proud of myself.
2:06 PM -
We walked behind a building so we would not be seen, and miracled ourselves home. Before I could get a word out, Crowley walked into the bathroom, slammed the door, locked it, and began crying in earnest. I realize that a locked door is not much of a barrier to an angel, or a demon for that matter, but I took the hint and let him be for a while.
4:45 PM -
He hath emerged! And he's still quite upset. The first words out of his mouth were "You didn't have to call me stupid in quite that manner."
My dearest Crowley; Neither you nor your feelings are stupid. You are the love of my life and the beat of my heart. But most of my books are First Edition, and small children are sticky. Cuddle-time for one sweet and rather sensitive demonic entity.
4:47 PM -
He bit me. Not hard, mind you, more of a petulant nip, but he did. All right, I suppose I had that coming. But within seconds half of my face was the size of a melon, and purple. Moments after that, the puncture wounds began to leak.... something. I will not describe it. But it did not smell pleasant. I am now trying to comfort him but he is entirely hysterical and screaming that if I die he will kill himself. I don't think I am going to die. But I do think it is time to break out the medical texts. This will be a comedy of errors unto itself, because my eyes are swelling shut and Crowley does not see terribly well at the best of times. He is absolutely beside himself. Well that's just lovely; twice now I have upset him beyond reason. I really must get my behaviour under control. I decided the thing to do would be to lance the bite and drain the poison. That should help speed healing. Right. One scalpel coming up.
5:00 PM -
AND WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.
Eyew.
7:30 PM -
Things have settled down. I have a face once more, I am clearly not going to die any time soon, and we are lying on our lovely wonderful bed. Well, I'm lying on the bed, Crowley has sort of melded himself to my side; he even has my lapel clutched in his teeth. I've no one to blame but myself. He's very sensitive, and twice today I have upset him badly. I've been an absolute brute and should put myself in time out.
9:17 PM -
Well he seems to have settled, but I'll have to be gentle with him. He seems to want cuddles more than anything, so cuddles he shall get.
Thursday, May 22, 12:32 AM -
Oh look, it's Angel's diary.
Oh look, I don't actually have to write in it, I can just think. So that's how he does these minute by minute updates. I'm sorry, Angel can't come to the phone right now, he's in the bathroom having a meltdown. The cuddles progressed rather further than just cuddling, and the next thing I know he's on top of me. And if you thought I was going to tell him 'no' then you are GREATLY mistaken. It was fantastic. I can't wait to do it again. But my darling little puff-cloud seems to be under the impression that he has somehow done me irreparable internal damage.
Sadly no, he's not that big. We'll have to discuss that.
I'm going to draw dirty pictures around the edges of the page.
1:14 AM -
Angel is out of the bathroom and catches me thinking at his diary. Does he complain I am reading his personal thoughts? No he starts to hyperventilate that I am sitting up and I may be horribly mutilated internally or pregnant. Ridiculous, sex doesn't have anything to do with pregnancy. You just need two of something, and since we're one of each there's not going to be a baby.
1:37 AM -
I just finished explaining to Crowley how sex works and yes it does have everything to do with making a baby. Now let me look at these drawings. Oh these are cute, there are the traditional medieval cats and bunnies and monks doing absurd things, and there we are in the corners! There we are holding hands, and hugging, and there we are kissing, and... and really, Crowley, even for an angel and a demon I don't think that's physically possible.
Crowley suggested we find out. We'll probably hurt ourselves but why not!
2:53 AM -
We are in our standard positions, me on my back, and he with his head on my shoulder, and an arm across my middle. He keeps glancing up at me, as if afraid I will suddenly become angry at him for the nibble. I kissed his brow and told him to sleep, tomorrow is another day, and I will be here with him. Then he sighed and closed his eyes.
I suspect all my bookshelves shall need glass doors and locks at some point. I am not certain when that may be. But one thing is certain - we have time enough to talk it over.