Work Text:
You're laughing as you talk to Janet, as the two of you trade back and forth the usual jokes and jibes, smiling regardless of the fact that this case had been awful, and you still didn't have a confession. You comforted yourself with the knowledge that someone would break soon and you'd get your confession and then all of you could go down to the pub. You throw something across the office at Pete just as Gill walks out of her office, and you feel your eyes widen in surprise, and you tense as you wait for her to start yelling. You hate it when she sees you do something wrong, you hate how you crave any positive attention from her.
You're relieved when she just rolls her eyes and mutters something about idiotic children. Name calling is fine, and you're already smiling again anyway because that is a particularly nice skirt suit that she is wearing. You realise you think that every day, and then you endeavour to pay attention to Janet, to not let yourself get wrapped up in staring after the older woman. Someone's going to notice that it's more than hero worship eventually, and you really do not wish for that day to be soon. Janet doesn't notice anything so you go back to teasing her about something, waiting for Gill to come back with some more information, something that means you can nail the bastard.
You're at the pub, of course you are, and Gill's across the room getting on her way to highly inebriated, and you can't stop yourself from watching her, from admiring the way that she gestures in excitement, the light sparkling on her darkly painted nails. You've practically sighed out loud at the sight of her, your chin resting on your hand, and you know you look like you're deeply in love, but you've drank too much to care and there's a part of you that murmurs that that's true anyway. Sometime later Gill glances over and you know that you don't look away fast enough, that there's a flush settling across your cheekbones from getting caught. You could always blame the colour on the alcohol. When you glance back up warily she's still looking at you instead of the person she's talking, and when you smile uncertainly at her she smiles back, then turns away. It's a tiny moment but you savour it for weeks.
Janet keeps asking if you've got a boyfriend, if you're seeing someone, because apparently you're glowing, but you know that's just because you've been getting more smiles than ever from your reticent boss, and her smiles are what you've built your world on. You're trying so hard to keep it a secret from Janet that you're not paying attention as Gill walks into the bathroom, and you see your eyes widen in the mirror, a small blush settle on your cheeks, and you want to run, because Janet caught that, of course she did, and why did you ever think you could fool a detective for very long. There's tense silence as Gill washes her hands, as you try to tell yourself you need to stop staring at her but another part of you tells you that you've already been caught, so what does it matter?
She leaves the room with muttered goodbyes, and you turn to face the music, pulling yourself up to sit on the counter as Janet smirks at you, knowing you're in for a long conversation.
"How long?"
"Ever since I first got here, but you all just thought it was hero worship, that I'd get over it."
"It's been years, Rachel," you can hear the soft tone of her voice, the sadness underneath it, the knowledge that you'd loved her even as you'd made stupid decision after stupid decision settling in Janet's brain.
"I know." You murmur in reply just as softly, pulling at a loose thread in your trousers. "Just because it's impossible doesn't mean it's going to go away."
"If she really does retire like she's planning to then maybe you could pursue her, make some sort of attempt?"
"Why? I'm about 100% certain that she's straight and even if she wasn't I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be interested in me.
"I thought you were straight until two minutes ago but okay. I guess you're hoping she doesn't resign?"
"What am I gonna do if I don't see her everyday?" You mutter, but then you hop off the counter and lead the way back to the office, and you know you don't need to tell Janet to keep it a secret.
Somehow your best friend knowing makes it easier, the fact that you two can gossip over it late at night, that she learns your favourite things about her and teases you whenever Gill wears your favourite blouse. You're glad that Janet has been so supportive about it, but she also told you something that you already knew; you had to break up with Will.
You do, and the confusion on his face would be heartbreaking if you hadn't already decided that this was a good idea, that it couldn't continue the way it had been, where you continued to love Gill however much you liked him. And Gill's disapproval has cast a shadow on the whole relationship, because you depend on her approval like other people depend on air.
Weeks later everyone is back at the pub and Janet is talking to Gill on the other side of the room and you're sat at a table moodily drinking a glass of wine, feeling like a teenager who's favourite teacher had just told them off. On second thought you supposed that was exactly what you were. Gill's retirement was drawing closer and you hadn't come to terms with it and all you wanted to do was get drunk and cry a little, cry about how she could do this to you, how everything could seem to be going so well and suddenly it was falling down around your ears. You barely look up when Janet slides into the booth next to you, but you're startled when someone taps your foot to make you remove it from the chair, smiling and rolling your eyes when you see it's Gill, when you see that she's smiling right back.
They've brought a bottle with them and you smile in thanks as you steal it and refill your glass. You have no idea what you talk about but the three of you do, for hours, and you drink less than them because you want to remember this, you want to remember the way that she smiled at you, you want to remember her in stitches after you recounted something ridiculous one of the boys had done. You wanted to remember this view into the person you had barely met, the Gill that existed outside her skirt suits and creative insults.
It's not until you're trying to pile her into a taxi that you realise how much more than you she's had to drink, and you know you don't have to but you want to go with her, to make sure she gets home okay. You decide you will, mostly because she won't remember that you did anyway, and also she's slightly more cuddly when she's this drunk, all lethargic and approachable and you're aware of how tiny she is, something that you rarely noticed when she's talking.
She's cuddled up to your side and you can't help but put your arm around her, smiling down at the tiny woman that usually terrified you, regardless of how much you loved her. You manage to get her out of the taxi and into the house without a problem, asking the cabbie to wait there as you got her to bed. Practically as soon as you get her into bed she falls asleep, and you leave her a glass of water and some painkillers on the bedside table, but you can't stop yourself from pressing a light kiss on her forehead, thinking she won't remember it, thinking she was already asleep.
You practically float around the next few days, bolstered by her smiles and the feel of her pressed against your side, to the point where Janet tells you to calm down because it's getting suspicious. "What happened after I left, you're acting like she professed her undying love to you."
"No nothing like that," you laughed. "I just got to see a side of her I don't usually, and I love seeing Gill the human being instead of Godzilla," you laughed and left the bathroom, practically bouncing your way back to your seat while she trailed along behind you, rolling your eyes.
You and Gill are the last two in the office again, and she's taken her blazer off and rolled her sleeves up, and she looks cute as hell. You roll your eyes at yourself but you're glad that you can't see a glass on her desk, at least not from your surreptitious glances through the glass. You pack up and stand in her doorway for a second too long just staring at her, and she looks up at you in confusion. "I'm off," you supplied, smiling at her.
“Goodnight,” she smiled in return and you hoped you kept the grin off your face until you managed to turn around. “Rachel, wait a second?”
“Oh god I haven’t done something wrong, have I?” you laughed.
“No, I was just wondering if it was you that took me home the other night?”
“Oh yeah it was,” you managed, realising that she’d obviously remembered the night, probably remembered you letting her snuggle up to you in the cab, you putting your arm around her.
“I thought I’d just apologise for getting into the state I was in -” she started but you were already waving her down, grinning. “You’ve all seen in much, much worse states than that. Honestly, it was no trouble.”
“Also I’d like to thank you for the paracetamol and the water, they were much appreciated when I woke up,” she smiled as you laughed, and you just shook your head.
“Everyone needs to get incredibly drunk at some point, it’s fine.”
“You should know, hmm?” she teased and you laughed.
“Ooh low blow,” you were about to turn to go when she started to talk again.
“Did you kiss me on the forehead?” You had to admire how blunt she was.
“Erm, yes?”
“So I didn’t imagine that, well, good,” she coughed and turned back to her work, but you couldn’t stop yourself from questioning her.
“Why would you have imagined it?”
“Well, you know, I was half asleep,” she managed, looking down and shuffling some papers, looking far too nervous and out of her element than you had ever seen her, it was startlingly out of character. “Why did you do it?” she rallied again and you laughed, unsurprised she’d answered with a question. You felt yourself panicking, and considered looking at your phone and saying you’d received an urgent message, anything to avoid this conversation for another day.
“Well you know, you’ve been through a lot,” you muttered, looking down. She stood up and circled the desk, frowning at you as she leant against it.
“I didn’t realise you were worried about me?”
That made you look up, and you felt your surprise colour your facial expression; she must have seen it? The worried glances you sent her constantly, the way that you’d follow her with your eyes, worry creasing your brow. Janet had told you to stop it, that you were being far too obvious and that Gill was a detective; she must have noticed by now.
“You’re a detective how did you fail to notice?”
“Notice what?”
You sighed; you had not wanted to have this conversation, you’d been putting it off for a reason, actually you’d never intended to have this conversation at any point.
“I don’t want to do this,” you sighed. “I don’t want to tell you everything and then have it be all awkward and then end up shifted to a different syndicate.”
“Why would I-”
“You’re not even gay,” you interrupted. “Probably not even a tiny bit. What happened to the toyboy anyway?”
“I got bored of him,” she managed, staring at you. “Backtrack, a second, why did you just assume I’m not gay?”
You floundered for a moment, struggling with the ways to explain yourself and giving up; words aren’t your favoured method of explanation. You threw your things on the closest surface and finally stepped into the office, cornering Gill against the desk, moving slowly as to let her stop you, so as not to ruin what could possibly be your last kiss if she decapitated you after this. You could barely see her face in the dark light of the office; the lamp behind her threw her into shadow, but you heard her sharp intake of breath as you cupped her chin, and you felt the way that she surged into the kiss, the two of you meeting in the middle, her arms wrapping around your neck.
“You know I can get into a lot of trouble for this?” she murmured some time later.
“So can I,” you shrugged with a grin. “I thought you were retiring anyway, we only have to keep it a secret for four months. It’s my career it’ll put into question,” you were still grinning even as you considered all of the repercussions, and she just shook her head at you.
“If you look anything as pleased as you do right now tomorrow they’ll work it out in a heartbeat.”
“No they’ll just think I have another wholly inappropriate boyfriend, I’m not sure any of them have even heard of bisexuality,” you joked, the grin still on your face until you leant forward again and kissed her, quickly, just because you could, grinning again as she followed you as you pulled away.
“You’re insufferable,” she laughed, grinning as wide as you were, her hands still on your shoulders, relaxed from where they’d ended up holding onto your lapels. She kissed you again, and you could feel her smiling into the kiss, and you wanted to laugh, you were practically delirious with happiness, you were overwhelmed.
“I think we should go back to mine,” she announced.
“I think you’re correct,” you laughed again, and shook your head at the ridiculousness of it all, that you’d been so worried. “I suppose I should take my car?”
“You could always just come to work with me in the morning, borrow one of my blouses, I’m sure the boys wouldn’t notice.”
You laughed at the idea. “You’re tiny, and what if one of them does notice?”
“They won’t. Janet will, but she already knew how I felt so she’ll probably just say something along the lines of “finally”.”
“Wait she knew? But I’d talked to her as well!” The two of you stared at each other for a long moment, and then you shook your head. “I suppose she was doing us a favour, letting us work it out ourselves.”
“We could have sorted this out about a year ago if she’d have mentioned it.”
“You’ve liked me for a year? That’s so cute!” you teased, feeling like you were in middle school.
“Oh shut up,” she laughed and grabbed her things, leading the way out of the building.