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Something was different in the control room that night, something in the air. Sasha noticed it the moment he walked through the door, but as to what it was, he couldn’t quite tell. He frowned a bit, taking his normal place at his desk; It wasn’t anything bad per say, but still, the sensation of almost knowing nagged at him. It distracted him, and no matter how much he tried to turn his mind to the stack of papers before him, it always wandered back.
Not wanting his productivity to falter for too long, he racked his brain, running down a mental checklist as he looked about the room.
Igor was barely awake, laying his head on the turbine desk. Standard stuff. Couldn’t be him. Boris was leaning against his panel, nonchalantly smoking a cigarette. Again, typical. Leonid was huddled in his chair at the control panel, rubbing his arms, almost as if he were cold.
That was it! The temperature! Sasha couldn’t remember the control room ever being this chilly. In a way, the change was much appreciated, the previous heat bordering on uncomfortable. At least for Sash that was; clearly, not everyone felt the same.
He went to sit down at Leonid’s station, right next to the man.
“Feels nice in here today, doesn’t it? Nice change of pace from the constant 21 degrees we’re used to.” Sasha began, all the while noting how uncomfortable he seemed.
“Uh, yeah! Totally…” Leonid trailed off, trying to suppress a small shiver. He was freezing in this new temperature, but didn’t want to ruin what was clearly a pleasant climate for Sasha. He had been doing so much for him in the past weeks. It didn’t feel fair.
The shift went on as usual, Dyatlov giving gruff orders and insults while the rest of the staff concentrated on the switchboards in front of them. But Leonid, usually astute and focused, seemed slower and more distracted than usual. After Dyatlov left the room, Sasha decided to approach him.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Sasha kept his voice low as to not alert the two other men. He knew how sensitive Leonid was, and despite his worry, he didn’t want to see the man embarrassed. “You seem a little… off.”
Leonid turned to him, and Sasha could see the frail man was practically doubled over as he hugged himself tightly. “Oh, it’s nothing, don’t worry,” Leonid smiled, trying to brush him off, but as he spoke, his teeth chattered audibly. Sasha could barely keep himself from laughing at the sorry state he was in, concern receding slightly.
“Lenya,” he shook his head, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Is it because you’re cold?”
“No, no!” Leonid practically exclaimed, causing both Boris and Igor to look up from their panels, over to him. Feeling their eyes come to rest on him, Leonid immediately shied away.
“I’m alright Sasha,” He mumbled. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Leonid, you know it’s his job to worry about you,” Boris interjected. He kept his mouth open, eager to continue, but a sharp glare from Sasha killed any further comments before they could be made.
Leonid quietly stammered something inaudible in response. Sasha, paying no mind to him, got up and started making his way towards the thermostat, but was stopped. “Sasha, you don’t have to do this for me, I’ll be alright. You said you were enjoying the temperature earlier, I don’t want to ruin it for you.”
“It’s ok, Lenya, it’s not that big of a deal,” Sasha laughed, rolling his eyes. But just as he was about to change the room temperature to something a little warmer, Dyatlov, as if on queue, burst in. Just as he was about to sit back at his desk, he noticed Sasha moving to the thermostat.
“What the fuck are you doing? Don’t touch that.”
“Comrade Dyatlov, I’m sorry, but it’s a little co-”
“The temperature is fine, Comrade Akimov,” Dyatlov narrowed his eyes at him, his voice beginning to lower ominously, warning him to choose his next words carefully. “It’s exactly how I like it, so don’t fuck with it.”
“But you’re hardly ever in here,” Sasha protested as he stepped closer toward the thermostat. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of Boris, watching the scene unfold at full attention, an amused smile growing, and Leonid, who was doing everything in his power to distance himself from the rising altercation. Clearly uncomfortable and likely blaming himself, Sasha contemplated backing down, for the sake of Leonid’s emotional state. But then he’d still be cold. His physical state was important too.
“Just a few clicks higher,” Sasha sighed, frustration setting in. “You’ll barely notice any-”
“Enough comrade Akimov,” Dyatlov’s short fuse was quickly running out. “You don’t want to listen when I tell you to stop? Ok. Fine.” He took a threatening step towards Sasha. “Just know the cold will be the last thing you’ll have to worry about.”
Sasha froze, a mixture of anger and confusion flooding his mind. Was Dyatlov really pitching this big of a fit over the fucking room temperature? And was this really the hill he was going to die on?
He opened his mouth to retort once again when he was stopped, not by Dyatlov, but by a quiet yet firm voice from the control panel.
“Sasha it’s ok. It’s not worth-”
“Shut up Toptunov!” Dyatlov barked at the blonde man. Instantly, rage began to burn inside Sasha. A part of him wanted to yell, to cuss Dyatlov out like he had him so many times, but when he turned to see Leonid’s eyes, begging him to step down, he relented. He didn’t want to, but he did. For Leonid.
“I don’t have time for this. Back to your panel, comrade.”
Defeated, Sasha returned to the panel, giving Leonid an apologetic shrug. In response, Leonid gave a shy smile, quietly trying to reassure Sasha that he was alright.
By the next day, the night shift already seemed to be getting used to the new room temperature. All but one, who continued to constantly shiver as the day went on. Things went on as usual, however, until the calm silence of mid-shift work was broken by a quiet sneeze. Leonid looked around in embarrassment, hoping no one heard the admittedly small sound.
Unfortunately for him, someone had noticed.
“Lenya, was that a sneeze?” Boris looked at him, incredulous as he tried to keep himself from laughing. “That sounded more like a hiccup than anything!”
Sasha shot him a dirty look for that, while Leonid scrambled internally as he tried to retort. Before he could say anything, he was interrupted by a much more aggressive, yet equally high-pitched sneezing fit.
Not wanting to further upset Sasha, Boris just smirked, withholding the rest of his smartass remarks.
Sasha, now fully aware of Leonid’s plight, felt a mild concern wash over him.
He hadn’t noticed before, but Leonid looked exceptionally pale. Perhaps it was just the low, washed out lighting of the control room, but Sasha could swear his friend had taken on a rather sickly pallor. He looked harder, trying not to let Leonid notice him doing so, tracing his gaze from the deep violet circles that hung beneath his eyes, to his darkened, almost blue lips.
Leonid turned his head slightly, catching Sasha in a sideways glance, and he immediately returned to his business, trying to play it off. It wasn’t until he began sneezing again, more violently this time, that Sasha finally decided enough was enough.
“Leonid, would you come here for a second?” Sasha motioned for him to join him just outside the control room door. Leonid gave him a confused, if not worried look, furrowing his brow as he reluctantly got out of his seat to follow him.
“Lenya,” Sasha began as soon as the door closed. “I didn’t want to bring it up in there, because Boris is kind of being a jackass, but you really look unwell.”
Affection mixed with potent worry shone in Sasha’s eyes, making Leonid blush, the light dusting of pink a welcome addition to his grey cheeks.
“Sasha, I’m fine, really.” Leonid tried to reassure him, but was stopped in his tracks by another fit of tiny sneezes. He buried his head in his hands, waiting for it to stop, and when it did he looked up only to see a very concerned Sasha holding out a plain handkerchief to him.
He accepted it gratefully, wiping his runny nose and teary eyes with it, before trying to hand it back.
“Oh, no. It’s yours now,” Sasha stepped back, politely declining.
“But Leonid?” He continued. “I think you need to go home.”
“What?” Leonid was almost indignant. “I’m fine to stay, it’s just a cold.”
Sasha sighed. “Leonid, you’ve been sneezing and coughing all over the control panel. I can’t in good conscience keep you here.” In nature Leonid’s sneezes were neither abrasive nor distracting. In a way Sasha actually found them rather cute, but still he felt terrible watching him double over, body convulsing as he waited for them to subside, only to be left with blurry eyes and trembling lips. If he was being honest, it broke his heart seeing him like that.
“Sasha I’m not a child, I can stay, I promi-” He tried to argue again.
“Lenya, please go home. Rest, recover, take care of yourself,” Sasha put a hand up, stopping him. “If not for you, then for me.”
“Sasha-”
“I’m not arguing anymore. Go home Lenya.”
“Who will watch the control panel then?”
“I will,” Leonid raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. “It’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” He still seemed skeptical.
“Positive.”
“Ok, ok,” Leonid shook his head, letting out a small laugh. “You win.”
“Thank you Lenya.”
He went back to the panel, trying to figure out the best course of action in explaining his comrade’s sudden absence to Dyatlov. It was almost strange, how empty the room felt without Leonid sitting by his side; oftentimes he caught himself making an offhand comment or joke here or there only to remember that he’d sent the man home.
His thoughts frequently trailed back to the smaller man and whether or not he was actually taking care of himself. Knowing he likely wasn’t, Sasha made a mental note to check up on him later.
The shift passed quickly enough, and eventually Sasha found himself on Leonid’s doorstep. He didn’t want to wake him up, since judging by the state he was in during the shift, he desperately needed the rest.
However his concern for the man won, and he knocked on the door, and sure enough, it was opened after only a couple knocks. Leonid stood in the darkened doorway, the light from the hallway being the only thing illuminating his sunken features.
He looked a mess, hair disheveled and heavily lidded eyes ringed with black and blue. In his left hand he held the tissue which he used to wipe an everflowing drip from his nostril, sniffling pitifully as he did.
At first Sasha balked, taking a couple seconds to blink away his surprise, then let out a heavy sigh.
“Lenya…” he eyed the frail man with clear disappointment.
The only response from Leonid was a confused “...mmh?”
“Lenya? What’s in your hand?”
Leonid straightened up a bit, a sheepish expression touching his features. “A tissue,” He said, a little too quickly.
“And in your other hand?”
Leonid’s blush deepened as he extended his arm towards Sasha, opening his hand up to reveal a black pen.
“Have you been…” Sasha didn’t even need to finish the sentence, him getting his answer as Leonid looked to the ground in shame.
“Lenya.” He looked at him with a mixture of exasperation and pity, hesitantly sidestepping him as he made his way into the room.
It was pitch black inside the stuffy apartment, the thick curtains drawn, blocking out the bright afternoon sun. Sasha sighed as he fumbled about in the darkness, becoming more and more aware of the scent of general sickness in the stagnant air as he groped the wall, searching for the lightswitch.
Finally his fingers brushed against the plastic switch, and he flicked it upwards. Instantly the room was lit up, revealing the dismal state of their surroundings.
Crumpled up paper littered the floor amongst the copious amounts of used tissues and soiled napkins. The tables were cluttered with empty cups and dirty plates, and interspersed between them were a bunch of what Sasha instantly recognized as reactor manuals. In fact, it seemed nearly every available surface was overflowing with similar contents.
Sasha bent down, picking up one of the pieces of paper. Carefully, he unfolded it, taking notice of Leonid’s bashful expression with a hint of amusement as he did.
“Are these… RBMK procedures? Leonid.” Sasha shook his head, setting it on the table. “I told you, you have to rest.”
“But-”
“I’m not kidding.” Sasha was pinching the bridge of his nose at this point. “Get some rest.”
Leonid sighed, lowering his head. “I’m sorry Sasha. It’s just- I’m just restless, you know?” He sneezed loudly before giving Sasha a weak smile.
As much as he was determined not to show it, Sasha couldn’t help but fiercely admire Leonid’s dedication. At the same time, he loathed it; Leonid was slowly killing himself, working the way he did. He was non-stop, and as much as Sasha loved him for it, the poor sight of his rail thin frame now slumped over in exhaustion made his heart ache.
“I know,” Sasha let out a slight laugh. “This is precisely why I came over; I knew exactly what you’d be doing.”
Leonid blushed deeper as Sasha continued. “But you really won’t get better if you keep this up. Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
Sasha walked over to where Leonid was standing and placed a soft hand on the small of his back, gently ushering him towards the darkened bedroom.
“Yes, but you don’t need to baby me,” Leonid squirmed a bit, arching his back to escape Sasha’s touch.
“It’s ok to need help sometimes. I promise you it’s not a problem for me.” Sasha’ voice reflected a deepset fondness.
He led him to the bed like that, Leonid looking a little embarrassed as he sat down. He was clearly grateful for the tenderness that Sasha was showing, but still couldn’t quite meet his eyes.
“Lie down.” Sasha directed.
“I… uhh… alright.” Leonid shyly crawled under the blankets, looking anywhere but back at him.
“Do you need a glass of water? Solyanka, maybe?”
“Sasha, I’m alright, I promise.”
Sasha gave him a look of doubt.
As if on cue, he went into a fit of dry coughing, sounding worse than ever. Having his suspicion confirmed by this, he went to grab him a glass of water. Setting it down on the table near the bedside, he took one last look at his friend before heading towards the door.
He was stopped by another pitiful cough and a “wait”.
Sasha paused in the doorway, looking over his shoulder. Leonid had propped himself up on his elbows, staring at Sasha with wide eyes. “Sasha I… Would you… I don’t wanna inconvenience you but-”
“What is it, Lenya?” Sasha interrupted his hesitant stammering.
Taking a deep breath, Leonid paused, carefully organizing his next words before they left his mouth.
“Maybe it’s just because I’ve been a bit under the weather, but I’ve been feeling kind of... isolated.”
“What do you mean?” Sasha turned around, his hand still on the door knob.
Leonid shifted, almost uncomfortable. “I know I’ve been acting like I don’t appreciate your concern, like I don’t appreciate you coming to check on me. Like I don’t appreciate you,” He paused. “Fuck, I don’t know how say this, but Sasha, it means the world to me. It really does.”
“I’ve never had anyone who would do the things you do for me,” He continued, his voice becoming soft, barely audible. Sasha closed the door, stepping in closer just to hear what he said next. “Will you stay here a bit longer?”
Sasha hardly heard him, but immediately the thin man started blushing violently. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to,” his voice returned to a whisper. “I just don’t want to be alone.”
As the realization of what he just said dawned on him, Sasha found himself looking away. Anywhere but at Leonid.
“Yeah, of course Lenya, it’s not a problem.” He went to sit down next to where Leonid was, a comfortable silence settling between them. Sasha didn’t understand why it felt so right, but something about the situation felt so natural to him. He found himself longing for something though; A part of him wanted more than this, a part he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge.
But he couldn’t help it, and the more he thought about it, the less comfortable he became. Suddenly it was his turn to blush as he began to realize his feelings for the slight man may have been more than platonic. He’d always prided himself on his ability to control his feelings, but the longer they sat in this silence the more he found himself wanting to run his fingers through Leonid’s soft hair.
Leonid, on the other hand, seemed more at ease than he’d seen him in a long time, finally drifting into a much-needed sleep. Yet even now, his gentle breaths were encumbered with a sickly wheeze. Sasha frowned, worry once again overtaking him.
Still, he seemed so peaceful, drawing the blankets close to his chest as he curled up. Something about the scene before him tugged at his heart, causing a dull ache to form in his chest. He looked so alone, grasping lightly at himself in a sorry substitute of human comfort.
Sasha’s mind screamed at him as he imagined himself crawling into bed beside him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. He shouldn’t be acting like that, and he cursed himself for letting those barriers fall, even if they were only in his head. He felt like he was betraying himself, betraying Leonid even, thinking about him like that.
The floor was becoming uncomfortable, and Sasha began anxiously shifting his weight, trying not to look at Leonid. He couldn’t be in the same room as him, not anymore. It wasn’t fair to him. He got up, preparing to head for the door when he once again stopped, looking down at his friend’s sleeping form.
“Sasha NO!” his mind cried out as he extended his arm, placing his hand on Leonid’s shoulder and gently shaking him until his heavy eyelids fluttered open.
“Lenya, I’m sorry to wake you, but I was wondering if you could give me a blanket. There are none on the sofa, and it’s kind of cold out there.”
“Oh so now you’re cold,” Leonid let out a groggy laugh, and Sasha couldn’t help but smile back, but before he could say anything Leonid continued. “Sasha, why don’t you just stay here. It’ll probably be more comfortable, and I’m pretty sure I’m not contagious.”
Sasha took a moment to process what he just heard. “You want me to… get in bed with you?”
Leonid, still only barely conscious, mumbled something along the lines of ‘yes’. Apprehensively, Sasha clambered into the small bed, careful not to put too much weight onto it as it creaked.
The last of his logical mind was screaming at him to stop, to cling onto the idea that what he really wanted was a woman, and in this moment he was just confused. And yet, he was unable to stop himself from slinging a heavy arm over his mentee’s narrow form. Something about the way their bodies fit together felt so fulfilling to him. He knew it was wrong, but deep down he couldn’t deny anymore to himself that this is what he wanted.
Leonid sighed softly, snuggling against Sasha. He felt his heart melt at how perfectly the smaller man seemed to fit in his arms, and almost as an involuntary response, he found himself pulling him in tighter. His slender body felt so warm, so comfortable against his own larger one, and Sasha soon found himself being lulled into a deep sleep.
The room was dark when Sasha finally awoke. Groggily, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, scanning the blackness till he found the digital glow of his alarm clock. Strange, he thought, narrowing his eyes at the blue light. I could have sworn it was red.
Suddenly, he felt a presence shift next to him, nearly causing him to jump out of his skin. As his heart rate returned to normal, he felt a sick sensation of dread form in his stomach as he looked at the figure still pressed against him. Leonid was fast asleep, snoring lightly, and Sasha took great care to keep him that way as he slowly rolled out of bed.
Carefully, he tiptoed to the kitchen, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead as his mind travelled in circles, trying to make sense of what had happened. Leonid was sick, asking him to stay with him like that was a moment of weakness, a delusion caused by illness.
“What have I done?” Sasha sighed, putting his head in his hands. Through the gaps in his fingers he caught sight of something on the stove. It was an old kettle, once light blue paint chipping away and pockmarked with dents. The haze left over from his deep sleep had yet to leave him, and he found himself reaching for it, longing for a cup of coffee.
“Sasha?” A voice came from behind him, making him freeze. “What are you doing up?” Peeking out from behind the door way, Leonid eyed him curiously, the tired lines of his face still visible even in the low lighting.
“I have to go. The shift starts in less than an hour.”
“Oh god, you’re right!” Leonid exclaimed as he began scrambling about.
“What are you doing? Go back to bed!”
“We have to get ready!”
“No I have to get ready. You’re not well enough to go back yet,” Sasha said, his voice firm. Leonid’s spastic movements ceased, and even in the blackness surrounding them, he could sense him frowning.
“Fine,” Leonid cut his losses, backing down. “At least let me see you out.”
Leonid seemed impervious to Sasha’s anxiety, and he wondered if the younger man even remembered asking him to stay with him. A part of Sasha broke thinking this was nothing more than an unconscious request from an emotionally compromised man. Leonid couldn’t really have wanted him like that. He should have been grateful for that.
Silently, Sasha made his way to the door. He never met Leonid’s gaze, opting instead to stare down at his own feet. He was scared of what he’d see if he looked in his eyes, scared that he knew, scared that he’d opened an unmendable rift between them.
Leonid opened the door, and without a word, Sasha stepped quickly out into the empty hallway.
“Wait!” He felt a slight tug on his arm.
Before he could completely look back, his lips were met with a nervous kiss. He was startled at first, and above all worried someone would see, but he relaxed as he realized that the hallway would be empty this time of night. Looking into Leonid’s eyes, he saw more anxiousness than ever, and so he decided to take the situation into his own hands, meeting Leonid again with a deeper kiss this time, putting an arm around his slender waist and his other hand at the nape of his neck, gently moving his head to get a better angle.
This was the first time he’d kissed another man, or really anyone for that matter, and it was awkward and scary and breathtaking. After a couple more moments of give-and-take like that, they separated again, much to both of their chagrin.
“Lenya, I…” Sasha was at a loss for words. Both of their faces were flushed as they breathed in sync, both still trying to convince themselves that this moment was real. Something had finally broken between them, its suddenness leaving them breathless, unsure of what to say.
“I guess I’ll see you later tonight?” Leonid’s voice was playful, if not still a little raw from sickness.
“... yeah, that sounds nice. See you then.” Sasha stammered, finding his voice.
“Oh, and Lenya?” Sasha suddenly looked back as he was about to leave. “Please take care of yourself. Go back to bed!”
Leonid nodded at this, giving a slight wave and a coy smile as Sasha left. He felt a lightness in his chest as he made his way out of the apartment complex, just thinking about where their relationship would go from there.
A part of him was scared what this meant for them, but as he gave one final, lasting look up at Leonid’s apartment, he knew everything was going to be alright.