Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Hopeless
Bedford Place, London
The Parker’s Study
September 12th
Sidney Parker sat slumped in his chair, glass of whiskey in dangling from his fingertips, clad in his shirtsleeves, propriety be damned. He supposed the servants would be shocked if he hadn’t spent every night of the last two months like this, drinking himself into oblivion or attempting to at the very least. The heat from the fireplace was comforting in a way. He stared at his glass of whiskey, glowing in the firelight. He would’ve admired it if his head weren’t so muddled, so full of thoughts of her. Charlotte Heywood . She was gone and he was still haunted by her every moment of every day. He had done so many things wrong in his life, he’d known that she was too good, too kind for the likes of him from the moment he met her. He’d been drawn to her since the first. Somewhere along the way, during each of their interactions, he had foolishly allowed himself to believe that he could be worthy of her.
He still couldn’t catch his breath, still couldn’t forget about that day on the cliffs where she left him. It was worse than before. Before when he was a boy of 19, infatuated with a fickle girl who dropped him the moment she found someone else, someone with more money. He spent the last 10 years trying to make a name for himself, building his fortune and his place in society. Trying to leave Eliza and her betrayal behind him. A short laugh escaped him, the whole situation was ironic.
He’d closed himself off to others, even his family. He’d known all women weren’t like Eliza but he couldn’t help it. Yes, he’d had the very rare, occasional tryst at Mrs. Harris’ Boarding House, he’d always been careful, always taken precautions. But he left each encounter hating himself, which is why those visits had ended over a year ago. He’d become bored and disgusted with himself for even visiting a place such as that. Secretly, he’d started wanting someone he could come home to each day. Someone whom he could trust with his every thought and desire, someone who would be his equal, as Mary was Tom’s. None of the women he'd met in society would suffice. They were all too focused on his looks, giggling every time he tried to speak with them. Was it too much to ask that he be able to have an intelligent conversation with a woman? He resorted to distracting himself with drinking, fighting, and carousing society events with Babington and Crowe.
But then he met Charlotte. Beautiful, kind, clever, infuriating Charlotte. She brought out the best in him, made him want to be deserving of her, of her love, her smiles. She was what he’d been waiting for. He’d been drawn, at first, to those eyes. Big, brown, beautiful eyes. He’d felt them scorch through him the first day he met her. He hadn’t known what to say so he fell back on his own arrogance, “New Maid” he’d said. Protecting himself from the pain of before. Idiot , he thought as he took a sip of whiskey.
Each further encounter with Charlotte had stirred his blood, brought him back from the half life he’d been living before. She gave as good as she got, he’d seen that from their third encounter at the construction site. He knew she’d been right that first night at the ball, she’d seen him and his family as they truly were. At the time, he just couldn’t accept that she was so observant, so brilliantly clever, so unlike anyone else he’d ever met. She tried to apologize, he knew she’d been sincere but his temper and self preservation had gotten the better of him. Telling her he didn’t think of her at all. Me thinks you doth protest too much Parker, he thought as soon as he said it and her response, she saw right through him. Those brown eyes flashing in anger, as soon as she walked away he felt ashamed and so very intrigued. He looked back at her twice as he walked away, he couldn’t believe she’d spoken to him that way.
He didn’t know when it became love, but he remembered a quote he’d read once,“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, the look or the words, which laid the foundation. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”
But he realized at the regatta, in that boat, she was truly his match, his kindred spirit, his love. He’d seen then that Eliza’s betrayal, the horrors he’d seen in Antigua, begrudgingly helping Tom, everything up to this point in his life had led him to her. And he’d ruined it. He made a choice for them both and he was a fool. He’d needed more time, he thought he had made the best decision, accepting the devil’s bargain made to him by Eliza. He hadn’t wanted to accept, knew what accepting would do to Charlotte and to himself. But he also knew that by accepting he was releasing Charlotte from a man burdened by debt, a man who may not be able to provide the life she deserved. He shook his head.
He was miserable. He took another sip, He deserved this. He deserved to be punished for all the things he’d done not her. He allowed himself to revisit that day on the cliffs. The last time he’d seen her. It’s been two months and he still can’t wipe it from his memory.
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The moment she stepped out of Tom’s carriage, he saw the look of hope, the way she lit up when she saw him. He almost forgot everything, he almost forgot himself. He strode up to her, he had to stop himself before he got to her. He wanted her in his arms, his face close to hers. He had to stop himself from kissing her, her lips looked so inviting. He thought of the last time they’d been on these cliffs. He had to make her understand. One word from her, one hesitation, he would leave everything, everyone for her. Tom and his mistakes be damned.
“Tell me you don’t think too badly of me.” he begged. Tell me I’m making a mistake is what he truly meant. One word, One hesitation , Please my love.
Her face fell, she knew what he wanted, she always knew because she knew him. She was the only one who truly did.
“I don’t think too badly of you.” she replied.
“I don’t love her, you know.” His eyes begged her to see the truth. I love you Charlotte, only you have my whole heart and my soul. Without you I am nothing. You have brought me back to life .
“You mustn't say that, she loves you and you’ve agreed to marry her, you must try to make her happy.” she scolded sadly.
He knew then she wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t damn Tom to debtors prison, wouldn’t allow Mary and the children to be left destitute. She wouldn’t let him give up either. Sidney wished more than anything she would, wished she would allow herself to be put first for once. To be loved as she deserved, as he loved her.
“Yes, I must fulfill my side of the bargain.” he replied. For it is a bargain my love, I’ve sold my soul to the devil to save Tom. At this moment, I wish I weren’t a man much improved.
“Goodbye Charlotte.” he breathed. Still he held out his last thread of hope, One word, and I will take you away. Give me permission Charlotte.
She got in the carriage and stared sadly before looking down at her lap. He hesitated shutting the door. We could run away, he thought, we can be in Gretna Green by week’s end. But h e saw the censure in her eyes. I know, darling. I know. The family needs me, needs this. He could barely make his arms move as he shut the door and his feet felt like blocks as they moved toward his horse. Taking the reins, he turned back to watch the carriage leave, carrying what was left of his heart with it. He couldn’t breathe. He was watching every hope he’d ever had leave in that carriage. This must be what drowning feels like, he thought.