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“This is Professor Logan Balmer. He will be giving a guest lecture today on the importance of emotions. I presume you will all give him your full attention.” Virgil bristled at the name, brushing a memory too far back to actually remember in detail more than the name itself. As it were, this class was at 8 AM and no matter how familiar the name was, he couldn’t be bothered to listen to some old nerd talk about why it was important to cry it out. He had a bleeding heart dad for that anyway. So he tuned him out, doodling on his notebook, and wishing the 90 minutes would pass faster. He only looked up because someone close to him yelled out to the professor
“What about love? Is it important too?” The professor got a soft look on his face.
“Yes, Love is important, but there are far too many types of love for it to be classified as a single emotion. Love can be the way a parent cares for their child, it could be the way one cares for their partner, the way someone cares for their plants, or their pets, or their books. Love can be something you earn, or it can be something that is innate. Of course, all love is important, but the love you should look for should endeavor to keep in your lives is unasked for and freely given. You should find unconditional, chaotic love and let it warp your life because it will always make you better for it, even if it hurts sometimes.”
“Why would we want something that hurts us?” Virgil snarked. “That seems like a terrible idea.” Logan met Virgil’s eyes and smiled a little.
“Yes, Mr. Sanders, it can certainly seem like a terrible idea.” Virgil was a little confused at that, seeing as he had not introduced himself with his name to this professor. Logan continued as if him knowing Virgil’s name was not strange in the slightest.
“The problem is, sometimes, that knowing someone who loves you unconditionally, someone who chooses to be around you and wants nothing more than to see you happy is terrible, because they love you when you don’t deserve it, they love you when you break their heart and they love you when you break your own. They are there when you ugly cry and when you’re on top of the world and they always, without fail, show you that they love you. And it’s terrible because you have to live with the fact that that person has given you a part of them, they have put so much hope and faith and soul into loving you that you will never escape that, and even later, years after the last time you saw them, or they see you, the love will still be there.
Maybe it’s a broken, fragile thing now, after so many years, but it’s still there in the way you can’t look at certain colors without thinking of them, how that one song always feels both like being burned alive and being safe. Maybe you never see them again, and that love withers away into a fleeting thing that only comes up in the smell of a specific pastry or a phrase so few people say that it could only ever mean them. Maybe you see them every day, but you can never bring yourself to just say hello .
The problem is that when someone loves you like that, you will love them back. You will give them a part of your soul that nobody has ever seen, will never see, and even though they gave you a part of theirs, the same size, made of the same love, it will never quite fill the hole that was left when you gave yours away. There will always be cracks that can only be filled in with inside jokes that are just between you and ghosts, now. Between you and Polaroid pictures faded and stuck in a box in the back of the closet you never use.
But let that not deter you from loving. Love recklessly, impossibly so, and fill in the cracks that are left behind with gold, because it is in the cracks where we find ourselves. In the way you will never turn off their favorite song, in the way you take the long way home in fall because they loved to see the leaves change, and so did you. Let that love, the one they left with you, remind you that it is okay to feel, that you are more than your insecurities, that you are worthy of love. Let your love follow them around in your favorite colors, in the way you make your coffee, in the way you sing that song that’s always stuck in your head. Love well beyond what you think is possible, and you will find the world will love you back.” Logan took a shuddering breath and smiled at the class. “Sorry, I believe I went on a bit of a tangent, there. Were there any other questions?” Most of the class had misty eyes, all of them a little shell-shocked. “No? If that’s the case, I suppose my lecture is done. Thank you for your time.” The class filed out, but Virgil was still glued to his seat. He didn’t remember why, but he knew it was achingly important that he spoke to this professor.
“Virgil? You may leave now,” Professor Addams gestured at the open door. “Unless there is something you need?”
“Ah, apologies, Remy. I believe young Mr. Sanders is waiting for me. If you aren’t opposed, you can go, and I can lock the door and shut off the lights when I leave.”
“Oh, sure, no worries Lo.” Professor Addams left, and suddenly the lecture hall felt too small. There wasn’t enough room between Logan and himself, but he still didn’t know why.
“I’m surprised you remember me, honestly. It’s been so many years, and so many changes.” Logan looked nervous and heartbroken. He glanced briefly over Virgil, who suddenly felt self-conscious in a way he hadn’t since before he had started transitioning. “I like the name, it suits you quite well.”
“Thank you, I- I picked it myself.” Virgil tried to joke, but it came out a little hysterical. “I don’t- don’t actually remember you.” Logan raised an eyebrow, but he still looked incredibly sad. “Not really, nothing beyond the name, and that lecturer’s voice you use.” Virgil tucked his arms tightly around himself, trying to keep himself from crying because he didn’t know why he wanted to cry.
“You were very young, the last time we spoke. I’m surprised you remembered my name, though. I don’t think you ever called me by it.” The half-smile on Logan’s face was shaky, too, and he was still across the room and simultaneously entirely too close. “I believe the three nicknames I received were ‘LoLo’, ‘Papa’, and when you were particularly belligerent, ‘Mom’.” Logan said ‘belligerent’ the same way one would say ‘darling’ or ‘adorable’. Virgil couldn’t breathe. How long had it been since he had someone he referred to as a parent beyond Patton? A decade? Longer? He was suddenly slammed with the memory of fire, of a hospital room and the nurses who wouldn’t let him move, and it had been fifteen years since then, and the memory still hurt, and the stupid scar was still there on his leg, barely noticeable unless he went out in shorts, because it didn’t tan like the rest of his skin, stayed so pale it was nearly white. He looked to Logan, and then away, so he couldn’t see his face.
“You left. You left when I was hurt, when I was in the hospital. I- we never saw you again, and Dad would never tell me where you went but I knew, I knew you were okay because he stopped wearing the ring, he took it off and put it in his jewelry box and he still cleans it every Sunday evening, and if you would have died he’d probably still wear the damn thing, he tells people he’s engaged when they flirt with him still, and I forgot that he was, because I was six when you left, and it’s been so long since then that I can’t even believe it. Your stupid lecture about the dangers of playing with the stove stuck, but you didn’t, and oh my god, you’re old now, and, and-” Virgil’s mouth snapped shut, and when he looked back to Logan, Logan, he didn’t know what to say because there were tears pouring down both of their faces, and there was still that stupid, god it was so stupid , engagement ring on his finger, and he knew it matched perfectly to the one his Dad still had, and he was so angry , now. “How could you do that to me? To us?” Logan nodded.
“I did. I.. what I did was terrible, and foolish, certainly. And I will never forgive myself for it. I am so sorry, Virgil, for any pain I caused, had I known you were in this class beforehand I wouldn’t have agreed to teach it, I know I can never apologize enough for what I did to you, god, I don’t even know how to start, but I am so incredibly sorry, and I am so glad you are okay, now, at least I hope you are okay, and I will be sure to keep my distance, I had hoped, when I saw you, you wouldn’t remember me, I did not want to stir up those terrible memories again, I won’t endeavor to ask anything of you, you need not forgive me, but I hope you find solace in the fact that I still feel terrible.” Virgil didn’t realize until halfway through that Logan wasn’t apologizing for leaving.
“Are- are you apologizing for the fire ?” Virgil was hysterical. “Of all of the things you could apologize for, and you chose the one that wasn’t your fault? ” Logan sputtered.
“I- it was my fault, and you were nearly killed , of course, I am apologizing.” Virgil laughed, a little maniacally, moving closer to Logan, but still keeping a good ten feet between them.
“It was not in any way your fault that I- in all of my six-year-old wisdom- tried to make cookies on a gas burner! How could you have possibly known the stove was on, or that the stupid light above it would short out? It could have happened at any time, it ended up being while we were there alone! How the hell is that on you?”
“I didn’t notice you turning the stove on, nor did I notice the fact that the light had been flickering. I didn’t even think to check and see if I had turned all of the burners off, all I did was tell you how dangerous the stove was! I couldn’t protect you from the flames. The only thing I could do was hold you while you screamed, and keep you still while the paramedics tried to stop you from bleeding out in the driveway.” Logan’s voice broke, and Virgil was astounded. “When your father got to the emergency room, and I told him what had happened, I- he was so angry, so upset, and he was right, it was my responsibility to keep you safe, and I failed. How could I ever have thought I was fit to be your parent when I couldn’t even watch you for two hours without almost-”
“I’m fine, ” Virgil assured the man, his hands fluttering, trying to comfort him but too far away. He took a few steps forward, but Logan was still frozen in place. “I was out of the hospital in less than two weeks, it barely scarred. I have never, not once, since then forgotten to turn off the burner when I was done with it. I don’t forgive you, Lo, because there’s nothing to forgive. It was an accident, and it wasn’t your fault. And anyway, you did protect me. That fire should have killed me, and probably you, too, but all it did was ruin the kitchen, melt the shit out of your ugly fake leather jacket and make one of my legs tan funny. It really looks like the only one who was really hurt was you.” Virgil laughed. “I mean, Jesus, I wouldn’t be surprised if you still had pleather stuck in your hair.”
“I shaved my head to get it out.” Logan croaked. “I went to the hospital across town so I wouldn’t be in the same building, so Patton wouldn’t feel compelled to talk to me. I only had second-degree burns, I was out in two days. I went to the house, cleaned everything up as best I could, ordered the new appliances to replace the ruined ones, packed my things, and left a note on the kitchen table.” Logan looked nauseated. “I left my cell phone, and moved all the money in my personal account to your fathers, and I left. Moved back to Florida, where my parents were. I stayed there until I could get a new job, and tried my best to not let the guilt consume me. I failed, miserably, for at least 5 years before I managed to get to a place where I could go to work without having a breakdown. I still can’t use a stove. I’ve eaten nothing but microwave meals and cold food for fifteen years.” Logan laughed a little at that. Virgil snorted.
“Dad is going to kick your ass when he hears that. You know how he is about nutrition.”
“Damn right, he is.” A voice from the doorway spoke up. Patton was standing there, arms crossed, blonde hair pulled into a loose bun, looking absolutely unamused. “Sorry to eavesdrop, kiddo, you were late for our lunch, so I came looking for ya.” Patton addressed Virgil with a smile before turning back to Logan. “You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that your lovely, beautiful mother assured me you were alive, I would have called the police to put out a missing person alert,” Patton spoke with a very calm, very even tone. “When I got home there was a goodbye note and a refrigerator in my dining room, and a stove on the front porch. And for seven years, the only thing that assured me you were alive was your mom calling every Sunday afternoon. And then she calls to tell me you moved back, and that she was sure you would come to visit, because you just loved us so much, how couldn’t you?” Patton shook his head. “A town of 2,000 and I never saw you, not even once.” Patton had passed Virgil, was now standing less than a foot away from Logan, a finger pressed up against his chest. “For eight years, I waited, hoping you’d come around, and I find out the only reason you didn’t was guilt? ” Logan opened and closed his mouth a few times before swallowing and nodding. “I am going to beat you senseless, Logan Alexander Balmer. How could you?” Logan laughed, still crying.
“Sanders. We had already changed it, the approval paperwork came when you were still…” Patton took Logan’s face in both of his hands. “I still use Balmer academically and professionally, though.”
“Absolutely senseless. I will shake you so hard that brain of yours will turn into soup.” Logan laughed again, still sounding breathless, but the tears had stopped.
“I am sorry, Patton. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me.” Patton just shook his head.
“Of course I forgive you, you moron. You still owe me a wedding. And I owe you a meal that wasn’t cooked in a microwave, goodness gracious what is wrong with you-”
Logan cut Patton off by kissing him, tenderly and gently, trying to let all of his apologies pour into it.
“Okay, ew.” Virgil groaned from his spot a few steps away. “Get a room.” Logan flushed red, and Patton just smiled at the both of them.
“Let’s go home.”