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"Books are boring, I don't know how you finish them," Jin pouts as his fingers hover over the spines of the books displayed in the rack, his right hand holding Namjoon's left hand.
"I love reading," Namjoon says softly, mind occupied by book titles, his eyes skim over, hoping to catch some interest, he's read most of the books on display already.
Jin leans his head on Namjoon's shoulder. The book shop is big, but not crowded at this hour, good for them.
"You know i can't sleep without reading" namjoon says again, Jin nods, his cheeks squishing on namjoons shoulders, "i know" Jin says in a whisper, he's a bit drowsy, he came home from the shoot at 3am.
"It would be easier for you if I could visit you in the night more often" Jin says suggestively, his eyebrows wiggling, under his face mask, the material rubs on his lips.
"You know, that's not possible right now" namjoon says in a dejected tone, jin wants to say he knows but it dies in his mouth before he can let it out, it's of no use.
"Sorry" now Namjoon's concentration is off, a deep guilt settles over him, how it always does whenever this topic comes up. "No i know, it's just…" Jin trails off, he knows, he knows, he knows, he chants inside, he feels guilty and selfish for always bringing down Namjoon's spirit with this, but he can't help but feel.
"No i get it, it sucks to hide, and it's been long enough, but you know good half of the country hates me, if they ever found out about us, they will come at my door with pitchforks, think about your career, they'll judge you so much for being with someone like me" namjoon says his voice not as stern as it used to be when jin would try to convince him that they should go public. Jin wants to ask 'what kind of person?', wants to scold him for putting himself down again.
Namjoon hated it as much as jin, he doesn't want to hide, but he also doesn't want to jeopardize jin's career, a decade long career, Jin is a national treasure, they have very high regards for him, he's the golden boy of the generation, he can do no wrong, always steps up for the good cause. He may as well run the country with how much people love him.
But namjoon? he's not as popular as jin per say but he doesn't have the best reputation as jin.
"I'm always telling you, you can snatch a far better person than me, why are you stuck with me? '' Namjoon says as he is exasperated and self conscious. Jin drops namjoons hand and step away a bit so he can look up at his face, so he can look him in the eyes "I'm gonna break up with you if you keep saying this, namjoon what the fuck how many times do i have to-" Jin stops just as his voice gets louder, he looks around if anyone noticed him, the aisle they are standing in is empty so they got lucky this time.
"it's almost like you want to break up with me" jin says under his breath, "No, you know it's not like that-" Namjoon starts but Jin stops him,
"whatever, I'll be waiting in the car" Jin leaves namjoon in the empty autobiography aisle of the bookshop.
Namjoon comes back 10 minutes later with a book with a red hardcover, tosses it in the back seat. Jin leans his head on the car window to watch as the light of the day mixes into the darkness of the night and the sky is always a sight to see, wish life was like a sky always epic. But it sucks.
They drive for 5 minutes in silence, then Namjoon breaks it "I'm sorry that i am still not ready", his eyes are focused ahead, both hands on the steering wheel, one hand would be holding jin's if jin wasn't hiding it between his thighs.
"don't apologize, i.. know. I get it, even though I'm always talking about it I'm not ready for it myself, i can't take, i can't take-" jin loses his words on his tongue, people get tongue tied, his words get loose and slip, not out loud but somewhere in his mind where he knows he shouldn't be saying some things aloud.
Jin wanted to say he can't take namjoon going through a breakdown again, because people hate him for no reason at all. Jin's own heart would break to see Namjoon break again.
"you have a shoot tomorrow?" namjoon asks,
"Yeah, just drop me at my home" Jin moves his head to stare at Namjoon's side profile. Why do they live separately anyway, when Jin's not on the sets, then he's in Namjoon's apartment, he only sleeps at his home so he can get to his shoots on time, they've found a way to work around each other.
-
Kim Namjoon, no one knows him. Everybody knows RM, maybe they don't even know RM. He debuted 2 years ago with his album, it wasn't a conventional hit, but it was well received by the critics, praising his lyriscm, his audacity to call out big names on his debut album already, so young and fresh and he went ahead landed himself in a controversy when one of the 'big names' sued him for defamation. His company of course wasn't happy, they had almost decided to drop him. His manager and producers got the brunt of it as well, it was a 50/50 situation, they had known the name calling would stir up some storm, but they miscalculated the intensity of the storm. He was naive he will admit, he was feeling invincible as one feels in their youth, same as watching a superhero movie and thinking you can make a difference as well. He was stupid and nobody had let him know. He regrets his approach, never his intentions though.
After that he disappeared from the scene, he didn't use social media much anyway. Though he never stopped releasing unapologetic music, he wasn't afraid, maybe the industry will blacklist him one day, but as long as the few people- the right people- supported him, he will go on.
He may have disappeared from the scene, but that didn't keep for new things to come up about him almost every two months, the old underground scene he had left, apparently hadn't left him, his old peers turned into foes, started making up shit, of course they were all rumours and fake allegations, which got cleared in the end, but that doesn't help with how the public perceives him now, they think he's not a good person, they think all kinds of wrong about him, not the person you expect or want, to date kim seokjin.
Kim seokjin he's never been in a scandal or controversy, just once maybe, and even then it was not his fault. It seems unreal and impossible that seokjin will ever date Namjoon. He agrees with the public this once. Kim Seokjin is everything that Namjoon isn't, he does films on social issues, there's always a message he conveys through his work, he's been dubbed as nation's son-in-law, of course no mother wants kim namjoon to date him. His public image is the opposite of namjoon.
He's thought about it a lot, breaking up with jin, moving to the states, making music there, he had plenty of offers, but even after everything he couldn't ever leave jin. Jin was there for him when his own family left him, disowned him because he dared making his career and dreams one thing. He wanted to be here for jin.
Then again what do people know really ? That everything they gossip about namjoon is not true, they probably don't even care how true anything really is. Do they know how much their words hurt him, how much their hate is unnecessary, how much it hurts that he can't be public about how much he loves his boyfriend of one year.
Kim seokjin, who held namjoon when he couldn't take it anymore, when namjoon was stuck in himself, when his mind tried to sell him ideas that were none the wise, jin never asked anything of namjoon and it hurts him, because Jin deserves so much, so much namjoon can't even comprehend.
And people don't know that.
When Namjoon would hold Jin after his insecurities would try to crawl up, make his own skin itch, when he didn't feel comfortable being who he is, when he felt the burden on his shoulders, the responsibilities, the image, the reputation that he had to stand upto weighed far more than some other day, namjoon held him, namjoon loved him, the actor whose face namjoon had seen, drool smeared across chin and lips, hair a bird's nest, eyes puffy with sleep, his speech incoherent due to the drowsiness, his arms still numb and sleepy yet they clutched tightly around namjoon's torso as he fixed them a breakfast. Namjoon has seen it all. People haven't.
They don't know how, when namjoon gets stuck on a song and the melodies aren't coming out like they should be and he's spent the whole day practically doing nothing, how he goes outside of his study room to the living room, with jin on the couch sprawled, trying to read one of namjoons numerous books, jin who makes his apartment feel like home. He goes to jin, climbs over him slowly to let jin know he can put his book down, putting his head on jin's chest, and jin's hands already in his hair giving him a massage, namjoon moving up further to bury his face in jin's neck, the safest spot in the world that namjoon has found, discovered, where he feels right, he feels protected, how many times he has cried into this safe spot, how many times jin's hands have been in his hair, always comforting him.
No one is made to take hate, namjoon is not any different, he can't help what people think about him, all he knows that as long as he has Jin he will be alright.
Of course people don't know that.
-
Jin's shoot was at crackass'0 clock early in the morning, he came home by 7am and clocked out for the rest of the day, the scene that he shot last night/early morning with barely 3 hours of sleep since he was out with namjoon and came home by 8pm then went directly to sleep, woke up at 2am, the scene wasn't very long, it was the last scene of the movie he was currently shooting, the final take. They tried this very scene many times before this one so they decided to put it on the reel. It was a tough scene, hence why it took so many takes, the entirety of the movie breaks down to this one scene, or comes together in a sense. Jin was emotionally exhausted, so he slept as soon as he came home.
He groggily woke up though after a few hours because his phone kept ringing, the messages kept coming, making the notification sound go haywire. If only he could have his phone on silent all the time.
He gets up reluctantly, what can it be, his heart beat drops a bit, every worst case scenario running through his mind.
His eyes snap open, as his heart picks up pace and starts beating wildly in his chest, scared of what it can be.
He unlocks his phone and doesn't know what and who should respond first. There are messages from Yoongi, missed calls, some are from Namjoon, some are from his company, some messages from his co-stars, his Twitter is basically broken. Before he can do anything his doorbell rings, and now that he thinks about it it's been ringing for some time now. He stumbles out of his bed and onto the ground ankle twisted, he tries to stand up, it hurts but in his adrenaline driven mind its numb, he makes for the door.
"Hyung ! What have you been doing, we all keep trying to reach you!" Yoongi almost yells as he barges in, "did you see the news ?" He asks calmly in a complete 180.
"I.." Jin stands in front of Yoongi, his manager, his friend, his confidant.
"What happened?" Jin's voice is so hoarse that yoongi takes one look at jin and starts walking towards the kitchen to fetch jin a glass of water. Jin follows him, with a limp, his ankle aches but that's not what's important right now, he once again unlocks his phone and scrolls through his Twitter mentions.
Kim Seokjin and RM spotted together.
Jin's heart drops to the deepest pits of despair. Exactly what he was afraid of, getting caught.
And not being ready for it. To take that toll.
He almost laughs at the irony of life, they were just yesterday talking about it and now today…
Jin scrolls through more posts, pics of him and Namjoon in the bookshop are everywhere on every article, small or big journals.
RM??? OUT OF ANYONE
SEOKJIN'S TASTE TELLS A LOT ABOUT HIM
I REFUSE TO BELIEVE BUT THE PICTURES ARE RIGHT THERE
- EXACTLY WHAT DID HE SEE IN THAT MAN ?????
Seokjin with RM 💀, RM is so…. Seokjin what happened
How can he be into someone like that
Jin scrolls through it all, and his heart falls at every comment that criticizes them, they don't even know if it's confirmed or not yet the speculations are being made. But from the photo of jin's head on namjoons shoulder, hand in hand, smiling in other set of photos, it's not hard to find the obvious.
Namjoon…..
Jin might faint any minute with the way his heart rate keeps dropping.
How is Namjoon doing, how is he taking it ? He wants nothing right now, he just wants to make sure Namjoon is okay. All he can think about now is thay he needs to go to namjoon.
In his empty apartment, a resonating clink of the glass being put on marble top pulls him out of his mind's grip.
"Media is out there like tourists in a zoo, it was so hard coming up," Yoongi sighs as he pinches the bridge of his nose. Jin gulps down the water, the water almost zapping his tongue on touch. That's how thirsty he is in the moment.
"What do you want to do, Hyung ?" Yoongi asks, not as his manager but as his friend, he can see it in his eyes. If Jin was in the right state of mind he would thank yoongi for always being there with him.
"Namjoon?" Jin's hands are shaking.
Yoongi's about to say something just when the apartment door opens and comes in namjoon, in basketball shorts and a tank top, sweating from head to toe, panting as if he didn't take the elevator and ran all the way up through stairs. Maybe he did.
Two things run through Jin's mind.
- Namjoon will catch a cold in those clothes with his sweaty body catching the chill air of the ac in his apartment.
- Jin sees his apartment's spare keys in Namjoon's hand, and it reminds Jin of their one year anniversary when they had given each other the keys to their respective apartments.
Namjoon spares no time and moves forward to take Jin in his arms, they hug each other tightly. Namjoon's sweaty scent hits jin's nostrils but there is no place safer than his arms right now. Their heart beats sync together the longer they hold on to each other and it calms jin down.
"Hey" namjoon kisses Jin on the forehead as they break apart after merging into one.
"Hey" jin's voice breaks by then, he wasn't crying, didn't feel like it, until he was in namjoons arms.
"I came through the fire exit, the front of the building is too crowded. i was at the gym and i came running from there straight sorry if i smell. How are you holding up baby?" Namjoon says it all in one breath. Still panting from the run he made.
"I just woke up and then.. this" jin says defeated, his eyes dull with sadness, looking lost, still not in his senses.
"What should we do ?" Namjoon speaks into the silence, talking to no one.
"Company said it's up to both of you, what do you both wanna do ? We can deny it if you're not okay, we'll make up some excuse, the photos aren't that clear we'll say they are edited, or you are both good friends, you know the usual" yoongi speaks out of nowhere, voice strong and helpful as both jin and namjoon feel lost. Jin had forgotten that yoongi was there.
Jin takes in yoongi's words, so they have a choice, it's their decision. But are they ready ? He… he wants to go public, he doesn't want to hide, he wants to be free, not because he wants to flaunt his boyfriend, he may not even talk about namjoon much even if they decide to confirm but to let it out in the world that, yeah, he is taken by a wonderful man, for the world to know how happy he is with namjoon.
But he knows he'll never go onboard with that until Namjoon is comfortable.
He looks at namjoon, "i don't know" namjoon looks so gentle even in this moment of chaos, but jin knows how much he's feeling inside, he takes namjoon's hand, intertwining their fingers, moving his hand up to his lips to kiss the knuckles.
"I'll wait outside for you two, make a decision quickly. It's been three hours since the news came out, the company is asking for a response to give" yoongi says one last time then he's out of their space.
Jin goes to sit on the couch, and rubs his forehead, god he hasn't slept properly, his ankle is aching, his heart is beating weirdly, he doesn't feel well, it's like a vortex opened inside him and it's sucking everything in, his emotions, his feelings, his thoughts.
Namjoon joins him.
"Let's do it" namjoon whispers, jin's ears don't miss it in the quiet of the room.
"Are you sure?" Jin asks, eyes staring blankly into the apartment.
"Yes," namjoons face breaks into a smile that Jin hadn't expected, and it's like watching the sun first thing in the morning after a stormy night. The vortex in the pits of jin's stomach closes up a bit.
"I.. i read some of the comments and they weren't the kindest" jin says as his voice breaks, and tears finally trickle past the brim.
"Honestly, hyung I'm scared and words hurt but i don't care about them. We're not ready but, I think, we're never gonna be," Namjoon says, his smile faltered a bit, wrinkles appear on his forehead.
"What's the worst that can happen" he smiles again, and that makes jin calm and scared simultaneously.
Before Jin can present a worst case scenario, Namjoon speaks up, "I've had one year, now almost two years to think about it, I've always feared, what if they blacklist you too?" Namjoon says the last part in a hushed tone, as if scared to speak it outloud.
"I don't care about them, they can do whatever they want" Jin says, another tear slips past, namjoon reaches forward to wipe it away, he moves close so as to cup his cheek.
"But you love acting too" namjoon whispers,
"But I love you too, we can always restart," Jin says, his voice steadily growing stronger.
"You will leave all this for me?" Now Namjoon can't take it as well, he croaks as a tear of his own slips through too.
"I'm gonna leave the industry not the acting don't worry" Jins face breaks into a smile of his own finally, air making its way into his lungs.
"I will be okay as long as I can music. I don't care about being the face for it" namjoon says, his eyes widening in hope.
"There we have it then, our answer"
"It feels suffocating here, can we go to yours ?" Jin asks, once they've talked it out some more, discussed some feelings, some insecurities, before they move forward with this moment. Jin's head laying on Namjoons chest, as Namjoon holds him tightly by the waist, they've been inside for an hour, Yoongi has been lighting up his phone.
"Yeah of course, let's go pack your bag"
They pack a bag, though there isn't much needed to pack as a lot of jin's stuff is already at namjoons, they are packing a bag for the sake of it, to let the activity calm a nerve.
Jin locks his apartment, they see yoongi standing outside waiting for them,
"Yoongi, tell the company they can confirm it. I'm heading to joon's" jin tells him with a tone of finality. Yoongi looks between him and Namjoon and nods, then pulls out his phone, he disappears in the hallways just as he starts dialing up some numbers.
Jin and Namjoon make it to the elevator, pressing the button for the lobby. Namjoon stands behind jin, wraps his arms around jin, chin on his shoulder.
Anxiety starts prickling at jin's skin as they reach the front of his apartment building which is littering with reporters and journalists, "ugh don't they have anything better to report about?" Jin's face twists in distaste,
"You're nation's son-in-law afterall babe" namjoon says, pecking jins hair. Jin rolls his eyes.
"Let's just take the fire exit" jin starts walking towards it, namjoon's hand on his wrist stops him.
"Let's go from the front" Namjoon suggests, his voice low as if he's not sure about it himself.
There's also an emotion in his eyes that jin can't tell, like his eyes are saying or trying to say something. Maybe jin gets it, maybe he doesn't, he's not brave enough.
"I don't think it's a great idea, joon" jin says, his voice nothing but a whisper.
"Trust me" namjoon gulps as he takes one look at the front, then back at jin, "trust me, we should" namjoon says one last time. "I'll protect you" he holds jin's hand.
"I'll tell yoongi to pick us up, it'll be difficult reaching your car right now," Jin says, and pulls out his phone to make a call to yoongi.
Once they are sure yoongi is out at the front waiting for them they open the door to his building, and the very instant there are flashing lights everywhere, screams and shouts everywhere, questions being tossed at them from all sides, and jin is sure his heart will leap out of his ribcage. Namjoon and Jin hold each other's hand in a death grip. Jin flinches a bit as one reporter gets too close to his face and shouts his question, namjoon swiftly takes jin's waist in a hold to shield him, jin burrows his head in namjoon chest with every camera shutter that flashes in his face, jin feels safe and protected then, namjoons frame covering him from everything, jin knows namjoon's eyes must be getting hazy with all the flashes, the reporters must be in his face, yet he holds jin so close to him, he protects him. Jin almost smiles, he almost cries, knowing Namjoon doesn't like being photographed like this.
His own hold on namjoons waist tightens, so much he thinks he might break a bone in namjoon, then he feels a soft peck on his temple and he feels safe.
It felt like eternity but they made it to Yoongi's car. "I've already told them to increase security at your place" Yoongi looks at Namjoon through the rearview mirror. Namjoon nods.
Jin has climbed onto namjoons lap, trying to calm his breathing, Namjoon tucks his face into his safe place, into Jin's neck, and they're alright.
"Hey, I'm happy for you guys" yoongi smiles at them through the rearview mirror.