Chapter Text
Castiel's POV
"Not watching over me tonight, feathers?" Dean winked at me and grinned as he got into bed.
I stood by the door, ignoring Sam's laugh as he got into his own bed in the motel.
The hunt had gone well but both of them were too tired to drive and Dean didn't trust me enough to drive his car as he slept. I tried not to be offended by it but I understood that his car is his pride and joy. His baby. I understood that and it was okay.
I rolled my eyes.
"I thought I'd go for a walk. I'll be back before you wake up." I sighed and turned the light off for them before walking out of the door.
"Keep your GPS on." I heard Dean mumble from the other side of the door.
"It's a walk not a heavenly crusade." I heard Sam tease him back.
"Shut up, Sam." Dean growled back.
I felt myself smile at their teasing each other, did they not realise that I could hear them?
I didn't have any idea why I wouldn't tell them where I was really going.
Was it embarrassment? I'd felt that a numerous amount of times in the past, both as a human and as an angel.
But somehow this felt different, maybe another level of embarrassment? I was unsure, but the person I would usually ask for clarification on different kinds of emotions was Sam and I knew that I didn't want either Sam or Dean knowing where I was really going.
Knowing Dean he would be checking my GPS for at least another hour before he would give up and accept that I wasn't lying and let himself rest, I felt slightly guilty about lying but this lie could never cause anyone any harm. I'd thought it through thoroughly.
There was no way.
I slowly made my way into the nearby town, wandering around the parks until it got to midnight. Dean had probably gone to sleep by now, I searched for his longing, it was always more present when he was awake. It was low, he was asleep. I was sure.
There was a 24 hour store close by, I was sure, I followed the maps on my phone until it brought me right outside the store. It was small and the clerk was clearly tired, struggling to keep her eyes open. I gave her a sincere smile of apology for keeping her busy and set about finding my items. It didn't take too long, she didn't question me.
I circled back on myself and headed to the centre of the town, knowing I'd find at least one person to help. It was easy.
I went to the most common places; behind dumpsters, backstreets, shop doorways and bus shelters. I found the first person in an alleyway behind a Chinese take out place.
It was a man in his late forties, he was awake and coughing roughly. I grimaced as I heard him, I remembered how painful it was to cough like that. I wished I'd picked up some medication but it had simply slipped my mind.
"Hello." I cleared my throat as I approached.
"What d'you want? I just got here, man. Don't make me move."
I held my hands up, the plastic bag rustling. "I'm just here to talk."
"Who are you?"
"My name's Cas." I introduced myself, people usually thought I was lying when I told them my full name, it was unusual so I didn't take offence, I was used to being called the shortened version of my name now anyway.
"John." He nodded, adjusting his thin coat. "What d'you want?" He repeated.
I tilted my head, I'd already told him. "To talk?"
He chuckled which made him cough more. "Sorry, sorry. It's not catching."
"I know, it's the cold." I huffed. "Rattles your lungs."
"Yeah you'd know that huh?"
I nodded. "Unfortunately yes." I made my way towards him and sat down beside him slowly.
"Sorry for the smell." He bit his lip. "Why are you out? Shouldn't you be tucked up in some nice warm bed?"
I shook my head. "I don't sleep much."
"Insomnia got to you huh? This helps." He pulled out a small bottle of whiskey and sipped.
"It helps with warmth too." I mused. "How did you end up here?" I asked.
"What's it to you?" He glared at me.
I gulped, the last thing I needed was to get in an altercation and get blood on my clothes. Sam and Dean would want to know what had happened. "I find that talking about it with someone usually helps, lifts the burden."
"You ain't like me, kid." He rolled his eyes.
"I was. It was uh-last year. I didn't speak to anyone about it and I struggled terribly with the loneliness it brought. I just- Since I'm no longer in that position, I'd like to help people that are. I can understand."
He scoffed at me, he was guarded. just like Sam and Dean when they didn't want to talk about something that they probably should do. "How'd you end up on the streets then huh? Pretty boy?"
I scrunched my eyebrows. I never understood how calling someone attractive was somehow an insult in American culture. "I made a big mistake. I-My friends they- I thought that I had a home with them but it turned out-"
"You didn't?" He guessed. "Screw them. Every man for himself in this day."
I shook my head. "It wasn't their fault, a misunderstanding I suppose. But in any case, I wasn't resourceful back then. I didn't know how to support myself. I tried hard but-"
"Was never enough huh?" He rolled his eyes. "How'd you get out then?"
"Circumstances changed." I explained quickly. "My friends changed their minds too, I was lucky. I was only outside for a few months." I shrugged.
"Thirteen years this winter."
"What happened?" I asked.
He sighed, causing another coughing fit. I pulled out a bottle of water from my bag and handed it to him. "Thanks." He cautiously opened it. "You first." He handed it back.
I nodded, I understood the need to be wary of strangers giving you things when sleeping outside. I took a sip and handed it back to him. This seemed to gain his trust as he started to gulp down the water.
"My wife found out I was cheating." He closed his eyes, leaning on the wall behind us. "She took everything, the house, the car, the kids. My money. The only thing I had was my job but she got all the money anyway so I quit."
I nodded. "Does she not know you're here?"
He shook his head, smirking. "How pathetic would that make me look? Bad enough I was screwing another woman but then to be a bum?"
"Yes, I understand the shame you feel. It's hard to ask for help."
"That what you did? Ask those friends of yours for help?"
I shook my head. "They wouldn't want to hear about that."
He nodded. "I get that, pal. I stayed with a buddy of mine for a while but his chick got sick of having me crash on the couch so he got rid of me, told me to keep in touch- what's the point in that though? He said he'd call. Never did."
"I'll call you." Dean sighed as he pulled me in for a quick embrace at the bus station.
"Okay." I nodded, trying to control my bottom lip. Why was it wobbling whenever I looked at him? Why was he doing this?
"Look, Cas. I'm sorry. It's just-"
"It's okay, I understand." I tried to give him a strong nod.
But I suppose it was clear on my face.
I didn't understand and it wasn't okay.
"I'll call." Dean promised again as I got out of his car and headed to my bus.
Each day I'd make sure the cell phone he gave to me was charged and had service no matter where I was. Just in case he'd call me.
But I should have saved my energy instead of walking to coffee shops and libraries to charge it.
He never called.
"People are overrated if you ask me."
I shook my head. "People are amazing." I disagreed. "Each one is unique in their own way and not one person is inherently evil, everyone makes choices which shape themselves and the people around them. People have such power over their own lives and the paths that they choose, and most of the time they will pick the paths that will make the others around them happy. I think that's worth protecting."
John grit his teeth. "That's probably why you ended up out here, huh? See nothing but good?"
"There is bad." I admitted. "But not as much as most people will have you believe. I had it coming, I was stupid and naive." I chuckled.
"So what's your deal then, Cas? You stay up all night talking to bums like me?"
I nodded. "Most nights, yes. Though I disagree that you're somehow part of a body."
He laughed. "Didn't peg you for a comedian." He sipped more of the water. "But what's your deal? I mean, this can't be fun for you. Surely it reminds you of it all, plenty of people I've met out here. They get off the streets and they pass by looking all tidied up with their wives and 2.5 kids, not even giving me a second look. But I was in the thick of it with some of them guys, starving."
"Ah yes." I realised I hadn't given him the food I'd brought, so I went into my plastic bag and pulled out three sandwiches, a loaf of bread, two more bottles of water and four packets of cookies.
"What's the catch? I ain't into that gay shit-"
I held my hands up. "I'm just trying to help. As good as people are, I find that it's rare that they give to people who sleep outside."
"You're not wrong." He gulped, taking the food and stuffing it into his backpack that was probably originally for hiking.
"I suppose it does remind me of my time but if I don't do this, who else will? I wouldn't want anyone to feel as I did back then, if I can help at least one person a night then I'd class that as a 'win'." I used Dean's phrasing.
John's face broke into a smile. "You're a rare kinda guy. You move around a lot then?"
"Yes, usually a different state every few days. We stay in motels." I shrugged.
He nodded. "I made that mistake. Staying in motels for the first few weeks instead of saving up the money." He rolled his eyes.
"It is tempting. I never realised just how luxurious they really are until recently." I sighed thinking back to how much I'd longed to sleep in a bed just once more.
John nodded. "Y'know. You're not gonna be able to help everyone."
"I know." I nodded, sighing. It was a great burden that I wouldn't be able to solve at least America's crisis of people sleeping outside. "Most people don't want the help anyway."
"You're not wrong. Americans, too much pride."
"Exactly. That's one of my sins."
He sighed. "I just keep saying to myself that this will be the last year I'm doing this, but honestly. I don't think I know how to live normally anymore. I wouldn't know what to do if I had a house again, or a job or anything. I'm good at being a bum. I'm real good at it, living out here keeps me sharp, keeps me ready and smart. I know not to trust anyone as far as I can throw 'em."
"Surviving for thirteen years is rather impressive." I agreed, I barely survived my six months.
When Dean calls I should remember to ask him how quickly it's normal to lose weight. How to stop losing weight so quickly.
I sighed to myself, staring at my phone, willing it to ring.
But there was nothing, the jeans I'd bought at the thrift store with my first wage hadn't lasted long, they'd been slightly tight not three weeks ago, now they were slipping from my waist every five minutes or so, I could feel the wind through the bottom of the legs as I sat on my bench at the park, it was unpleasant on my knees. I knew that I was losing weight but no matter what I ate it wasn't helping.
I tried to eat more than normal too. Instead of just eating the out of time hot dogs that Nora threw away at the end of each day (usually it was only one sometimes it was two as she was very careful about not wasting food) I tried to walk around and find other sources of food, behind the pizza place nearby would sometimes have a mouldy cold slice or two. But even by doing that it didn't help. I even started eating those things every day instead of every other day like I had been doing and it didn't help. I still felt the pain in my stomach and my hands were constantly shaking.
I'd only had the job for six weeks and it had helped tremendously with keeping myself alive. It could always be worse. I could still be in the park. I looked over to the spot that I used to sleep in fondly. I did miss watching the stars as I fell asleep. But the floor of the storeroom was significantly better.
I would not starve or freeze to death whilst I slept in there. It was my days off so I had to sleep at the park again. But that was only three nights every week. I was managing perfectly fine. It was just the weight loss that was a concern.
Dean would know what to do when he called. I wouldn't call him, he was a very busy man. He had much bigger concerns than me right now.
I pocketed my phone quickly before the sharp pain in my chest got any worse.
I'd started to get a cough this week too, it felt like my lungs were shaking. I'd wanted to ask Dean about that too but a man passing by had heard me coughing and told me that my lungs were rattling.
I'd never heard a cough described in that way before but the analogy did fit. He told me I would need some bed rest and to be out of the cold to fix it, hot tea wouldn't hurt either. I was about to tell him that I didn't have any of those things available to me when my body was filled with such shame that I just smiled and nodded at him.
That was odd.
The cough only got worse when Nora sent me off work because I was too sick, she insisted that I go home and rest. But that meant that I would have to go back to the park, have no food that she threw out and it was so much colder in the park than it was in the storeroom and I wouldn't be paid if I wasn't working.
I forced myself to hide my coughing whilst I was at work and used the remaining twenty dollars from my wage for the month on some cough medicine and a warm jumper from the thrift store. It slowly helped.
But I knew that if I carried on losing weight like this then I would surely die soon.
I prayed that Dean would call soon, he would know what I should do.
"I know guys out here that have lasted decades, man. Others- well they uh- don't last too long." He looked down. "All it takes is one harsh winter and poof- they're gone."
I sighed, feeling myself frown. "I understand. It's a hard time in someone's life. I'm aware that you probably came here to sleep. Would you like me to leave?" I asked.
He chuckled. "Yeah, man. It was nice talking to you though. If you're in town again, you know where to find me?"
"Of course." I nodded. "I have more things for you if you'd like? I found that keeping myself presentable helped sometimes." I handed him my plastic bag. "I don't mean to offend-"
He picked out the travel sized razors, deodorant, shampoo and soaps. "Nah man, it's thoughtful. No one really thinks of this stuff. Sure you ain't some sorta angel?"
I huffed out a laugh as he did the same. "I hope you can get out of the cold, John."
"Yeah, man me too." He held his hand out for me to shake. I took it, using some of my grace to heal his rattling lung cough and his aching joints. "See you around, Cas."
I headed back to the store and bought the same items again, the clerk looking at me like I was odd this time. I ignored it. If I was quick I would get back to the motel an hour or so before either of the brothers woke up, meaning I could bring breakfast for them and they'd be in a good mood the entire drive back to Kansas.
I found the second person in a bus shelter, she wasn't awake but her dog was. I stroked the dog, animals seemed to take a shine to angels , which I found quite helpful.
The woman looked like she was in her early twenties, she hadn't been out here for long by the looks of her but she was certainly run down. I pressed a light touch to her hair, she wasn't injured or sick and for that I was grateful, I just left the plastic bag in between her and her dog and left. I circled back to the store to pick up some dog food and made my way back to her, adding the dog food to the bag before heading back to the motel.
It was only dawn so I had some time before Sam or Dean would wake up.
Of course Dean woke up as soon as I entered the room, pointing a gun at me.
"Oh, hey Cas." He mumbled and sank back down, asleep instantly.
I rolled my eyes and headed to the bathroom.
I take pleasure in having showers now, I'd never appreciated them before so the first shower I'd ever had as a human was in a shelter for people who slept outside. It was not enjoyable at all. I hated how the water was too hot on my skin, how my skin was covered with water just like it had been as I walked into the river with the leviathan. I shuddered at the memory. It didn't remind me of that anymore.
A hot shower like this, in a motel bathroom meant that I was most likely with Sam and Dean and they were both my friends and if I found myself in need of a bed I could have one, with multiple pillows and blankets and heating. I would be left alone, no nasty insects, no animals making strange noises, no rats running across my body. Just the occasional noise from either Sam or Dean would disturb me and that I really didn't mind.
I exited the bathroom even more quietly than before, wishing that I still had my wings so I wouldn't disturb either of their sleep. I managed to get out of the motel without waking either of them and walked the short distance to the diner to get their breakfasts for them.
I returned just as Sam was waking up.
"Mornin' Cas." He smiled, stretching.
"Good morning." I smiled.
"Morning Sunshine." Dean groaned as he sat up but then he smelt that I'd gotten him bacon and that made him smile at least. "Heaven missing an angel?" He winked.
I rolled my eyes.
"Funny." Sam smirked at me. "What's the occasion?" He came to the table and started eating the egg white omelette I'd picked up.
I shrugged. "Just thought it would be easier than stopping whilst we're on our way back to the bunker."
"Nice walk, buddy?" Dean asked as he dug in.
I nodded. "The stars were very clear last night. Helps me think."
"Whatever gets you in a good enough mood to bring me my bacon is good enough for me." He grinned and sipped his coffee, moaning.
I smiled at the table.
It was the little things that helped keep me at peace.
Helping the people less fortunate that I used to be like and helping my family that was now Dean and Sam Winchester.
As long as I kept those two worlds separate I would be happy.